HUMOR Digest - 11 May 1998 to 12 May 1998
There are 11 messages totalling 420 lines in this issue.

Topics of the day:

  1. Lawyers
  2. Engineers (off. to engineers)
  3. The atheist
  4. More Viagra Humor
  5. Yo' mama is so fat... <off. to Yo' Mama>
  6. Moles
  7. Transportation: A joke & 2 Puns
  8. business problems  [generally acceptable / might be sacrilegious]
  9. I'm not touching it! <Adult...could offend anyone>
 10. Bill Gates Buys 1998
 11. Writing Wrules

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Date:    Mon, 11 May 1998 03:57:47 -0400
From:    Jim Moore Jr <jimjr@QIS.NET>
Subject: Lawyers

* A lawyer was walking down the street and saw an auto accident.
  He rushed over, started handing out business cards, and said,
  "I saw the whole thing.  I'll take either side."
                                - - - - -

* She was on trial for having shot her husband.  She'd even been
  discovered with the smoking gun still in her hand.  During his
  summation, her lawyer pleaded for mercy on the basis that the
  lady was now a widow.
                                - - - - -

* Speaking of summations (I was) another lawyer defending what
  appeared to be a guilty individual told the jury that it was
  an act of God, under very suspicious circumstances.
                                - - - - -

* The old adage that "It takes a thief to catch a thief" may
  indeed be true.  But these days there's a 3rd thief involved
  pleading the cases -- their lawyers.
                                - - - - -

* A lawyer soliciting a potential client told the man he got his
  last three clients suspended.  What he didn't mention was that
  they were all hung.
                                - - - - -

* A lawyer is addressing an all male jury.  "Gentlemen, shall we
  cast this beautiful, lonely young lady into a dim cell in a
  prison, or shall we return her to her oceanside beach Nudes 'R
  Us condo, Ocean City, telephone Number 555-4531 ?"


Complete UGA Humor Digests [zip format] 1997-1998:
     http://www.geocities.com/BourbonStreet/6293

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Date:    Mon, 11 May 1998 07:08:46 -0400
From:    Terry Galan <galante@MCMAIL.CIS.MCMASTER.CA>
Subject: Engineers (off. to engineers)

 There was a mine in a small town that completely collapsed. One of the
 Engineers who miraculously survived the disaster went into the local
 watering hole. The bar was empty except for one lonely soul at the other
 end of the bar. "Hey bartender" said the Engineer, "I'll have a beer and
 pour another one for my friend down at the end there." The bartender
 responded, "I'm sorry sir but that guy's a commie and we don't serve his
 kind around here."
 "Well, you'd better because if it weren't for that guy, I wouldn't be
 here. You remember that mine that caved in, well I was in that mine and
 so was that guy. When the last of us were escaping, he held the roof of
 the mine up with his head! So get him a beer and if you don't believe me,
 look at the top of his head and you'll see that it's flat from holding
 the roof up." The bartender sceptically served the commie his beer and
 then came back to talk to the Engineer: "Isaw the flat spot on his head
 but I also couldn't help noticing the bruising under his chin. What is
 that all about?" the Engineer responded: "Oh...that's where we put the
 jack."


* "The biggest problem the world experiences is that the human race still
   only hears and understands 13% of what the other half converys...
   despite speaking the same language...No wonder we have wars...."
                                    -John Collins, The New Age of Mankind

http://www.McMaster.ca/purchase
http://www.oupma.on.ca

------------------------------

Date:    Mon, 11 May 1998 05:04:16 -0700
From:    Joke List <1rodney@GEOCITIES.COM>
Subject: The atheist

A very religious man lived right next door to an atheist. While the
religious one prayed day in, day out, and was constantly on his knees in
communion with his Lord, the atheist never even looked twice at a
church. However, the atheist's life was good, he had a well-paying job
and a beautiful wife, and his children were healthy and good-natured,
whereas the pious man's job was strenuous and his wages were low, his
wife was getting fatter every day and his kids wouldn't give him the
time of the day. So one day, deep in prayer as usual, he raised his eyes
towards heaven and asked:

"Oh God, I honour you every day, I ask your advice for every problem and
confess to you my every sin. Yet my neighbour, who doesn't even believe
in you and certainly never prays, seems blessed with every happiness,
while I go poor and suffer many an indignity. Why is this?" And a great
voice was heard from above:

"BECAUSE HE DOESN'T BOTHER ME ALL THE TIME!"



Rodney And Cathy's Joke List
Visit our web site at: http://www.rcjokelist.com
To subscribe send a message to: rcjokelist-on@mail-list.com

------------------------------

Date:    Mon, 11 May 1998 07:50:29 -0600
From:    Les Pourciau at UMem <POURCIAU@LATTE.MEMPHIS.EDU>
Subject: More Viagra Humor

One Urologist has reported that his first request for Viagra was from an 80
year-old man. The old guy asked for 1000 tablets -- wanted to make up for
lost time!

------------------------------

Date:    Mon, 11 May 1998 08:49:15 -0400
From:    Paul Benoit <Paul_Benoit@SPEEDLINE.COOKSON.COM>
Subject: Yo' mama is so fat... <off. to Yo' Mama>

... In order to have sex with her,
you have to slap her thigh and ride the waves in.

------------------------------

Date:    Mon, 11 May 1998 10:47:10 -0400
From:    Gwendolyn E Eckman <geckman@POLARIS.UMUC.EDU>
Subject: Moles

There was a mama mole, a papa mole, and a baby mole. They lived in a hole
outside of a farm house out in the country.
The papa mole reached his head out of the hole and said, "Mmmmm, I smell
sausage."
The mama mole reached her head outside of the hole and said "Mmmmmm, I
smell pancakes."
The baby mole tried to reach his head outside the hole but couldn't
because of the two bigger moles.
The baby mole said, "The only thing I can smell is molasses."

------------------------------

Date:    Sun, 10 May 1998 22:54:38 -0800
From:    Stan Kegel <kegel@FEA.NET>
Subject: Transportation: A joke & 2 Puns

A blonde is speaking to her psychiatrist.
Blonde: "I'm on the road a lot, and my clients are complaining that they
         can never reach me."
Psychiatrist: "Don't you have a phone in your car?"
B: "That was a little too expensive, so I did the next best thing. I put
    a mailbox in my car.
P: "Uh ... How's that working?"
B. "Actually, I haven't gotten any letters yet."
P. "And why do you think that is?"
B. "I figure its because when I'm driving around, my zip code keeps
    changing."
			By Jonathan Katz and Tom Snyder


The Harley Davidson executives have determined that their motorcycles
have been associated with men for too long, so they are targeting their
new sales promotion toward women. They've named the new model ... "The
Menstural Cycle" I suspect that in the heavy traffic we have on the
freeways in Southern California, doctors will be seeing many more
patients suffering from ... pre-menstrual tension?


I heard that the president of General Motors hit upon an idea to get
more people to buy American. He seriously considered making all the new
models in lavendar, which is the color you get when you mix red, white
and blue together. He figured, this way, is all American cars were the
same color, people would know an American car at a glance. However, one
of his assistants cautioned him. "Sir, has it occurred to you what would
happen if everyone in the country started driving pink cars?! Why, we
would have a ... pink car nation!"

------------------------------

Date:    Mon, 11 May 1998 11:35:48 -0400
From:    "Musat, Bob" <Bob.Musat@TRI-C.CC.OH.US>
Subject: business problems  [generally acceptable / might be sacrilegious]

A man had been in business for many years and his business was going
down the drain and was full of debt. He was seriously contemplating
suicide and he didn't know what to do.  So he went to his Priest to seek
advice. He told the Priest about all of his problems in business and
asked the Priest what he should do.
The Priest said "Take a beach chair and a bible and put them in your car
and drive down to the edge of the ocean. Go to the water's edge. Take
the beach chair out of the car, sit on it and take the Bible out and
open it up. The wind will rifle the pages for a while and eventually the
Bible will stay open at a particular page. Read the Bible and it will
tell you what to do."
The man did as he is told. He placed a beach chair and a Bible in his
car and drove down to the beach. He sat on the chair at the water's edge
and opened the Bible. The wind rifled the pages of the Bible and then
stopped at a particular page. He looked down at the Bible and knew
immediately what he had to do.
Three months later the man and his family came back to see the Priest.
The man was wearing a $1,000 Italian suit, his wife was all decked out
with a full-length mink coat and the child was dressed in beautiful
silk. The man handed the Priest a thick envelope full of money and told
him that he wants to donate this money to the church in order to thank
the Priest for his wonderful advice. The Priest was delighted. He
recognizes the man and asked him what advice in the bible brought this
good fortune to him.
The man replies: "Chapter 11."

[Note: For those unfamiliar with American Law, Chapter 11 refers to
       declaring bankruptcy and removing all of your debt. In modern
       years, some people have developed the practice as a strategic
       financial decision.]

------------------------------

Date:    Mon, 11 May 1998 13:18:06 -0400
From:    C and R <doglover@BIT-NET.COM>
Subject: I'm not touching it! <Adult...could offend anyone>

Bob goes into the public restroom and sees this guy standing next to
the urinal. The guy has no arms. As Bob's standing there, taking care
of business, he wonders to himself how the poor wretch is going to
take a leak.

Bob finishes and starts to leave when the man asks Bob to help him out.
Being a kind soul, Bob says, "Ah, OK, sure, I'll help you."

The man asks, "Can you unzip my zipper?"
Bob says, "OK."
Then the man says, "Can you pull it out for me?"
Bob replies, "Uh, yeah, OK."

Bob pulls it out and it has all kinds of mold and red bumps, with hair
clumps, rashes, moles, scabs, scars, and reeks something awful. Then the
guy asks Bob to point it for him, and Bob points for him. Bob then
shakes it, puts it back in and zips it up.

The guy tells Bob, "Thanks, man, I really appreciate it."
Bob says, "No problem, but what the hell's wrong with your penis?"
The guy pulls his arms out of his shirt, "I don't know, but I ain't
touching it.

------------------------------

Date:    Mon, 11 May 1998 16:51:53 -0400
From:    Bill Stebbins <bs16@CORNELL.EDU>
Subject: Bill Gates Buys 1998

News Flash:

     In a surprise move, Microsoft chairman Bill Gates announced yesterday
that he has purchased the entire calendar year of 1998.

     1998 will be replaced instead by 'Year-M' to be followed by actual 1998.
"Windows 98 was not going to ship on schedule," Gates said.  "But we couldn't change the name again... people were starting to get confused."

     Instead of spending a lot of time and money on a new marketing campaign we decided just to buy 1998.  "That way we get an extra year to debug Windows and get it shipped for what will be the new 1998."

     Microsoft arranged this coup by leveraging its financial assets to bail out the Federal Government and pay off the national debt.

     "The IRS is being disbanded for next year, but taxes will be collected as usual with one change: all checks must be made payable to Bill Gates."

A side benefit of this purchase is that Gates now owns the judicial branch for the duration of 'Year-M.'  Speculators stated that Gates would likely use this opportunity to dismiss the numerous lawsuits pending against Microsoft.  Gates apparently feels this would be cheaper than actually hiring lawyers to represent his rickety cases.

     In a related story, God has filed suit against Gates because of his purchase, claiming time to be the sole property of God.  In a countersuit, Gates claims God is a monopoly and demands that he be broken up into 'deity conglomerates.'

     "Gosh," said Gates. "They broke up AT&T... why can't we break up God?"

     Inside sources at Microsoft said that Gates was looking for an early resolution to the suit by hiring God as a programmer.  Evidently, God has the exact profile that Gates is looking for in a programmer:  HE doesn't mind rainy climates, doesn't need any money, isn't married, and can work for at least 6 days without sleeping.

     "If we could just get some employees like that," Gates lamented, "we would be able to ship Windows 98 on time."


http://www.people.cornell.edu/pages/bs16

------------------------------

Date:    Mon, 11 May 1998 19:21:39 -0400
From:    Phil Glowatz <glowatz@PIPELINE.COM>
Subject: Writing Wrules


How to Write Better

1.  Avoid alliteration.  Always.

2.  Never use a long word when a diminutive one will do.

4.  Employ the vernacular.

5.  Eschew ampersands & abbreviations, etc.

6.  Parenthetical remarks (however relevant) are unnecessary.

7.  Remember to never split an infinitive.

8.  Contractions aren't necessary.

9.  Foreign words and phrases are not apropos.

10. One should never generalize.

11. Eliminate quotations.  As Ralph Waldo Emerson said, "I hate quotations.
    Tell me what you know."

12. Comparisons are as bad as cliches.

13. Don't be redundant; don't use more words than necessary; it's highly
    superfluous.

14. Be more or less specific.

15. Understatement is always best.

16. One-word sentences?  Eliminate.

17. Analogies in writing are like feathers on a snake.

18. The passive voice is to be avoided.

19. Go around the barn at high noon to avoid colloquialisms.

20. Even if a mixed metaphor sings, it should be derailed.

21. Who needs rhetorical questions?

22. Exaggeration is a billion times worse than understatement.

23. Don't never use a double negation.

24. capitalize every sentence and remember always end it with point

25. Do not put statements in the negative form.

26. Verbs have to agree with their subjects.

27. Proofread carefully to see if you words out.

28. If you reread your work, you can find on rereading a great deal of
    repetition can be avoided by rereading and editing.

29. A writer must not shift your point of view.

30. And don't start a sentence with a conjunction. (Remember, too, a
    preposition is a terrible word to end a sentence with.)

31. Don't overuse exclamation marks!!!

32. Place pronouns as close as possible, especially in long sentences, as
    of 10 or more words, to their antecedents.

33. Writing carefully, dangling participles must be avoided.

34. If any word is improper at the end of a sentence, a linking verb is.

35. Take the bull by the hand and avoid mixing metaphors.

36. Avoid trendy locutions that sound flaky.

37. Everyone should be careful to use a singular pronoun with singular
    nouns in their writing.

38. Always pick on the correct idiom.

39. The adverb always follows the verb.

40. Last but not least, avoid cliches like the plague; They're old hat;
seek viable alternatives.


http://www.pipeline.com/~glowatz

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End of HUMOR Digest - 11 May 1998 to 12 May 1998
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