HUMOR Digest - 10 May 1998 to 11 May 1998
There are 9 messages totalling 404 lines in this issue.

Topics of the day:

  1. Special Notice (Not a Joke)
  2. Cannibals
  3. Puns: Mickey Mantle & Milton Berle
  4. Zachary Disease (adult)
  5. Camping tips
  6. Presidential Humor - Suggestive
  7. Touched by Charlie's Angels (sexual theme)
  8. The Switch <adult>
  9. In The News - Humorous News Quips

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Date:    Sun, 10 May 1998 03:47:39 -0400
From:    Jim Moore Jr <jimjr@QIS.NET>
Subject: Special Notice (Not a Joke)

Good Morning y'all, this is a special notice which was sent
in the the Weekly Traffic Report to the contributors of
Humor List; the report to the entire list will be sent out
on May 31st.

First of all, I have to be sure and wish all the Mothers out
there a Happy Mother's Day. To those of you receiving this in
digest form, I hope you had a good day. Naturally, the closing
joke in the Traffic Report was in your honor.

Second, this is to alert y'all of some changes in Humor List
administration and maintenance.

Bill Edwards, the Founder of this list will be taking a less
active role in the administration and day-to-day Humor List
maintenance.  Bill is enjoying his role as a contributor.

The Staff will now be:
 Jay Harman      Listowner <jay_harman@hotmail.com>
 Larry Randall   Examiner/Rules Enforcer <lrandall@asymail.faa.gov>
 Jim Moore Jr    Traffic Reporter <jimjr@qis.net>
 Bill Edwards    Listowner Emeritus <edwards_bill@colstate.edu>

There will also be a change in the coming month to our ListServer
address.  Please do NOT change any of your current procedures in
submitting humor or sending ListServer commands YET.  You will be
notified when the change-over is effective.  This is an FYI note
only.

a.  Humor List and Humor-p are moving to a new server
b.  Humor List will have a new address  <listserv@listserv.uga.edu>
c.  Humor-p (contributor's list) will have a new address
d.  Subscribers to either list should not have to take any action
    to continue to receive Humor or to contribute jokes
e.  WHEN you are notified to do so, all correspondence to Humor List
    will be addressed to:   Listserv@listserv.uga.edu
f.  WHEN you are notified to do so by our Listserv program, you
    should address your response to: Listserv@listserv.uga.edu
g.  WHEN you need to change/verify your HUMOR or HUMOR-P status,
    such commands will go to Listserv@listserv.uga.edu

If you should stop receiving the Humor List, you should verify your
your subscription by sending an e-mail to: listserv@listserv.uga.edu
and in the body of the letter, type:  QUERY HUMOR

On a separate line (in the same message), contributors should type:
QUERY HUMOR-P

It should NOT be necessary to re-establish your Humor membership,
but if it is, you would send an e-mail to: listserv@listserv.uga.edu
and in the body of the letter, type:  SUB HUMOR John Smith
= = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = =
And now for a contribution of humor:

How many Mothers does it take to screw in a light bulb ?

None actually -- they just sit there quietly and say, "That's alright
I'll just sit here in the dark.  Don't worry about me, I'll be fine."

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Date:    Sun, 10 May 1998 00:08:41 -0800
From:    Stan Kegel <kegel@FEA.NET>
Subject: Cannibals

Two cannibals were walking through the jungle talking when the first
mentioned to the second that he had a belly ache. The second cannibal
asked, "Well, did you eat anything out of the ordinary lately?" "No,"
replied the first, "All I've eaten recently was a missionary." "Hmm,"
said the second, "And how did you cook him?" "I boiled him as usual,"
replied the first. The second asked, "Was he tall, thin and wearing a
black robe with a white collar?" "No" replied the first, "He was short,
fat, balding, and wore a brown robe." "Ah ha!" exclaimed the second,
"There's your problem, ... you shouldn't have boiled him. That was a
Friar!"

Two cannibals sat down at a table in a cannibal restaurant. The waiter
said, "All we have left is a missionary from Prague. You can each pay
for half." "Okay," said one of the cannibals. ... "We'll split the Czech."

"My father and I stayed with cannibals We played golf with them through
the rough gorse. And after that we had dinner, Except dad, who was... pa
for the course"

------------------------------

Date:    Sun, 10 May 1998 00:38:48 -0800
From:    Stan Kegel <kegel@FEA.NET>
Subject: Puns: Mickey Mantle & Milton Berle

The Federal Bureau of Investigation today released it long-awaited
report on the late New York Yankee superstar, Mickey Mantle. The sordid
report detailed Mantle's drinking problems, liaisons with married women,
and reported blackmail by gamblers. Buried in the report was the
Bureau's reasons for initiating the investigations. It was reported that
J. Edgar Hoover was interested in meeting the home run hitter personally
when it was reported to him that ... Mickey Mantle was a switch-hitter.

Milton Berle, affectionately known as "Uncle Miltie", was television's
first superstar. Every Tuesday night for twenty years starting in 1948,
all commerce would come to a halt on Tuesday nights as everyone found a
television set where the family could watch the Texico Star Theater. But
Uncle Miltie had a gambling problem, and in the forties no one had
conceived of Gamblers Anonymous for compulsive gamblers. Every week,
during rehearsals Berle would play gin rummy between takes and he would
always win big. By the time the show aired, he usually had won as much
as his weekly salary blitzing his producer. But after the show, they
would play craps where his luck was always bad, and by the end of the
evening, he would have lost everything he had won during the week.
Everyone connected with the show knew that Uncle Miltie could certainly
handle gin, but invariably, ... Milton's pair of dice lost.

------------------------------

Date:    Sun, 10 May 1998 09:31:30 -0400
From:    Terry Galan <galante@MCMAIL.CIS.MCMASTER.CA>
Subject: Zachary Disease (adult)

 A woman was very distraught at the fact that she had not had a date nor
 any sex in quite some time. Feeling something was wrong with her, she
 decided to employ the medical expertise of a sex therapist. Her MD
 recommended that she go see Dr. Chang, the well known Chinese sex
 therapist. So she went to see him. Upon entering the examination room,
 Dr. Chang said,  "Okay, Take off all your crose."......"Now get down and
 crawl reery fass  to the other side of the room." So she did. Dr. Chang
 said, "Okay now  crawl reery fass to me." So she did too. Dr. Chang
 slowly shook his head and  said, "Your probrem vewy, vewy bad. You haf
 Zachary Disease. Worse  case I ever see, that why you not haf sex or
 dates." Confused, the woman asked, "What is Zachary Disease?" Dr. Chang
 replied, "It when your face rook Zachary rike your ass."

------------------------------

Date:    Sun, 10 May 1998 10:51:40 -0700
From:    Jack Kolb <KOLB@UCLA.EDU>
Subject: Camping tips

From: jschmitz@qis.net

Helpful Camping Tips
by Bruce Cochran; from the Sept. `96 issue of Backpacker:

--When using a public campground, a tuba placed on your picnic table will
  keep the campsites on either side vacant.
--Get even with a bear who raided your food bag by kicking his favorite
  stump apart and eating all the ants.
--Old socks can be made into high fiber beef jerky by smoking them over
  an open fire.
--When smoking a fish, never inhale.
--A hot rock placed in your sleeping bag will keep your feet warm. A hot
  enchilada works almost as well, but the cheese sticks between your toes.
--You'll never be awakened by the call of a loon if you have an unlisted
  number.
--The best backpacks are named for national parks or mountain ranges.
  Steer clear of those named for landfills.
--Acupuncture was invented by a camper who found a porcupine in his
  sleeping bag.
--While the Swiss Army Knife has been popular for years, the Swiss Navy
  Knife has remained largely unheralded. Its single blade functions as a
  tiny canoe paddle.
--Effective January 1, 1997, you will actually have to enlist in the
  Swiss Army to get a Swiss Army Knife.
--Modern rain suits made of fabrics that "breathe" enable campers to stay
  dry in a downpour. Rain suits that sneeze, cough, and belch, however,
  have been proven to add absolutely nothing to the wilderness experience.
--Lint from your navel makes a handy fire starter. Warning: Remove lint
  from navel before applying the match.
--You'll never be lost if you remember that moss always grows on the
  north side of your compass.
--You can duplicate the warmth of a down-filled bedroll by climbing into
  a plastic garbage bag with several geese.
--The canoe paddle, a simple device used to propel a boat, should never
  be confused with a gnu paddle, a similar device used by Tibetan
  veterinarians.
--When camping, always wear a long-sleeved shirt. It gives you something
  to wipe your nose on.
--You can compress the diameter of your rolled up sleeping bag by running
  over it with your car.
--Take this simple test to see if you qualify for solo camping. Shine a
  flashlight into one ear. If the beam shines out the other ear, do not
  go into the woods alone.
--A two-man pup tent does not include two men or a pup.
--A potato baked in the coals for one hour makes an excellent side dish.
  A potato baked in the coals for three hours makes an excellent hockey
  puck.
--You can start a fire without matches by eating Mexican food, then
  breathing on a pile of dry sticks.
--In emergency situations, you can survive in the wilderness by shooting
  small game with a slingshot made from the elastic waistband of your
  underwear.
--The guitar of the noisy teenager at the next campsite makes excellent
  kindling.
--A large carp can be used for a pillow.
--Check the washing instructions before purchasing any apparel to be warn
  camping. Buy only those that read "Beat on a rock in stream."
--The sight of a bald eagle has thrilled campers for generations. The
  sight of a bald man, however, does absolutely nothing for the eagle.
--It's entirely possible to spend your whole vacation on a winding
  mountain road behind a large motor home.
--Bear bells provide an element of safety for hikers in grizzly country.
  The tricky part is getting them on the bears.
--A great deal of hostility can be released by using newspaper photos of
  politicians for toilet paper.
--In an emergency, a drawstring from a parka hood can be used to strangle
  a snoring tent mate.

Jack Kolb
Dept. of English, UCLA

------------------------------

Date:    Sun, 10 May 1998 16:48:15 -0600
From:    Les Pourciau at UMem <POURCIAU@LATTE.MEMPHIS.EDU>
Subject: Presidential Humor - Suggestive

My sister-in-law and her husband went shopping this afternoon at one of
the largest malls in the city. All of the men's clothing stores were having
a President's Day Sale: All men's trousers were half off!

------------------------------

Date:    Sun, 10 May 1998 18:25:29 -0400
From:    JBR Humor <jimr@POBOXES.COM>
Subject: Touched by Charlie's Angels (sexual theme)

                TOUCHED BY CHARLIE'S ANGELS

(HOLLYWOOD, JRI) - Aaron Spelling, capitalizing on the success of CBS'
"Touched by an Angel," announced today that he will produce a new hour
long prime time drama "Touched by Charlie's Angels." Spelling has already
reportedly negotiated bargain basement contracts with the original stars,
whose careers have reached bottom. The format will be vintage Spelling,
with the Angels dressed in essentially lingerie throughout the 60 minute
program. They will be "summoned up" by desperate unattractive losers in
need of an Angel, whereupon they will engage in every permissible act
short of intercourse which can be shown on network television. Della Reese,
in a bitter contract dispute with CBS over her "Touched by an Angel"
earnings, is said to have contacted Spelling and offered to do full frontal
nudity for a few thousand dollars more, but was flatly refused.


Original Humor Content - Featuring the Daily Monologue of the Internet
http://www.wirecom.com/jim

------------------------------

Date:    Sun, 10 May 1998 21:55:05 -0400
From:    Bill Stebbins <bs16@CORNELL.EDU>
Subject: The Switch <adult>

The Switch

A little old lady with blue hair entered the marital aids shop and asked
in a quivering voice, "Yy-young man, dd-do y-you sell-dildos h-here?"

The salesman, somewhat taken aback by the little old lady's appearance
in his shop, answered "Uh, yes, ma'am. We do."

The little old lady, holding her quivering hands about 10 inches apart
asked, "D-do y-you ha-aave any ab-bb-bout th-this l-long?"

"Well, yes ma'am, we do. We have several that size."

Forming a 5" circle with her fingers, she then asked, "A-are an-nny
ofth-them about thi-is b-big ar-round-d?"

"Well... Yes, a few of them are about that big."

"D-do aa-ny of th-them ha-ave a vv-ii-bra-a-ator?"

"Yes, Ma`am, one of them does."

"W-Wel-ll, h-how d-do y-you t-turn it off?"


http://www.people.cornell.edu/pages/bs16/

------------------------------

Date:    Sun, 10 May 1998 23:45:08 -0500
From:    Ed Lambert <elambert@IX.NETCOM.COM>
Subject: In The News - Humorous News Quips

In The News - Edited Excerpts from the LA Times
Includes some late night humor

WARNING - May be offensive the First Family, impotent men, Disneyland,
Smurfs, lesbians, aging "teen idols".

Bill & Hillary Clinton spent last weekend in California to spend time
with Chelsea. It was sweet. Their favorite family ritual is to sit at
the dinner table, hold hands and rehearse the story.

The Clintons also got a chance to meet Chelsea's new boyfriend. He told
her parents that Bill was his role model, and was immediately forbidden
from ever seeing Chelsea again. (SNL)

Chelsea also got a chance to meet her new boyfriends parents. The first
meeting is always awkward, especially when mom has to be patted down by
Secret Service agents. (Cutler Daily Scoop)

Did you hear about the 85 year old couple who honeymooned at Viagra
Falls?

Doctors aren't touting one major side effect of the impotency drug,
Viagra. Men will be forced to make conversation for an hour before the
pill kicks in...

Some people taking Viagra are complaining they see everything with a
blueish tint. So, Viagra makes you function again, but you think you're
having sex with a Smurf. (O'Brien)

Viagra cures impotence but may cause baldness. Propecia cures baldness
but may cuase impotence. Unfortunately, if you take both, all you get
is straight hair.

According to transcripts from his diary, Unabomber Ted Kaczynski once
considered having a sex change operation. I can see why he didn't - I
mean, let's face it... getting a threatening letter from the "Eunuch
Bomber" just isn't very scary...

Oklahoma state troopers had to subdue a drug suspect after he bit a
police dog during his arrest. Police apparently controlled the man by
slapping him on the nose with a rolled up newspaper and saying, "Bad
suspect! Bad!"

ABC News is examining the dramatic increase in casino gambling in
America. It's getting huge - a Harvard study says Americans spend $32
billion a year on games of chance, and that's not including weddings
and elections.

A woman wrongly accused of shoplifting a doll at Disneyland won a
$65,000 settlement. When asked, "Now what are you going to do?" she
replied, "I'm going to Magic Mountain!"

The Lego Toy Co. announced it will open a theme park. The park was
scheduled to be opened earlier this year, but builders lost almost half
the pieces.

This week is the 50th anniversary of Norman Mailer's book, "The Naked
and the Dead". Is this book about Clinton and Gore? (Leno)

Diane Sawyer interviewed Ellen DeGeneres and her lover Anne Heche. The
interview was perfectly normal, but for some reason Sam Donaldson kept
asking if he could watch. (o'Brien)

This week is National Herb Week. For all you music fans, National
Peaches Week isn't until August.

Martha Stewart is launching a new TV show aimed at children. She says
the show is supposed to teach children that Marth Stewart does
everything better than Mommy. (O'Brien)

Rumor has it that Mike Tyson is starting his own record company. It has
been said that he's got a good ear for music - unfortunately, it
belongs to Evander Hollyfield.

Peter Noone of Herman's Hermits, Davy Jones of the Monkees and Bobby
Sherman of TV's "Shindig" are putting a "Teen Idol" tour together.
Perhaps they should call it "Geezerpalooza".

And finally, here's a couple to add to the ongoing Oxymoron list -
Act Naturally, Found Missing, Airline Food, Resident Alien,
Congressional Ethics, Sanitary Landfill, Taped Live

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End of HUMOR Digest - 10 May 1998 to 11 May 1998
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