HUMOR Digest - 9 May 1998 to 10 May 1998
There are 7 messages totalling 454 lines in this issue.

Topics of the day:

  1. Happy Mother's Day
  2. Chicken Quotes: Computers
  3. Did You know...???? (not off.)
  4. New Cabinet Position
  5. Minnesota Scandinavian humor
  6. Better Plan <adult>
  7. In The News - Humorous News Quips

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Date:    Sat, 9 May 1998 03:45:12 -0400
From:    Jim Moore Jr <jimjr@QIS.NET>
Subject: Happy Mother's Day

* If evolution really works, how come Mothers only have two hands ?
                                - - - - -

* Personally, I think today's kids ought to do something really
  special for their Mothers on Mother's Day -- like move out !
                                - - - - -

* Hey guys -- looking for a great gift for your Mother-in-Law on
  Mother's Day ?  Why not send her back her daughter ???
                                - - - - -

* A single Mom was asked by a friend what her son was taking in
  college.  With a sigh she replied, "Everything I have."
                                - - - - -

* Fathers  -- take heart, your day is coming, and you can be sure
  of getting at least one thing -- the bills from Mother's Day.
                                - - - - -

* Most Mothers are always amazed when their sons/daughters marry
  a person with much lower mental capacity, ambition and moral
  standards, yet still manage to have utterly brilliant children.
                                - - - - -

* Mothers come in all shapes and sizes.  For example, an Italian
  Mother might chastise her offspring for not eating by saying,
  "Eat your dinner, or I'll kill you."  A Jewish Mother on the
  other hand would say, "Eat your dinner, or I'll kill myself."
                                - - - - -

* A daughter broke-up with her boyfriend.  She asked her Mother's
  advice about returning the gifts he'd given her.  Without a
  pause, her Mother replied, "Send back the stuffed animals and
  letters, but keep the jewelry for sentimental reasons."


Complete UGA Humor Digests [zip format] 1997-1998:
     http://www.geocities.com/BourbonStreet/6293

------------------------------

Date:    Sat, 9 May 1998 01:42:08 -0800
From:    Stan Kegel <kegel@FEA.NET>
Subject: Chicken Quotes: Computers

WHY DID THE CHICKEN CROSS THE ROAD?

24. Computers

Assembler Chicken:  First it builds the road ...

C Chicken:  It crosses the road without looking both ways.

C++ Chicken: The chicken wouldn't have to cross the road, you'd simply
refer to him on the other side.

COBOL Chicken:  0001-CHICKEN-CROSSING.
                        IF NO-MORE-VEHICLES
                        THEN PERFORM 0010-CROSS-THE-ROAD
                        VARYING STEPS FROM 1 BY 1 UNTIL
                        ON-THE-OTHER-SIDE
                        ELSE
                        GO TO 0001-CHICKEN-CROSSINGc

Cray Chicken: Crosses faster than any other chicken, but if you don't
dip it in liquid nitrogen first, it arrives on the other side fully
cooked.

Delphi Chicken: The chicken is dragged across the road and dropped on
the other side.

G3 300 mH Chicken: It crosses twice as fast as any Pentium chicken

Gopher Chicken: Tried to run, but got flattened by the Web chicken.

Intel Pentium Chicken: The chicken crossed 4.9999978 times.

Iomega Chicken: The chicken should have backed up before crossing.

Java Chicken: If your road needs to be crossed by a chicken, the server
will download one to the other side. (Of course, those are chicklets.)

Lotus Chicken: Don't you *dare* try to cross the road the same way we
do!

Mac Chicken: No reasonable chicken owner would want a chicken to cross
the road, so there's no way to tell it to.

Microsoft Chicken (TM): It's already on both sides of the road. And it
just bought the road.

Newton Chicken: Can't cluck, can't fly, and can't lay eggs, but you can
carry it across the road in your pocket!

NT Chicken: Will cross the road in June. No, August. September for sure.

OOP Chicken: It doesn't need to cross the road, it just sends a message.

OS/2 Chicken: It crossed the road in style years ago, but it was so
quiet that nobody noticed.

OS? 8.1 HFS+ Chicken: It had much more free space to cross.

Quantum Logic Chicken: The chicken is distributed probabalistically on
all sides of the road until you observe it on the side of your choice.

VB Chicken: USHighways!<TheRoad.cross> (aChicken)

Web Chicken: Jumps out onto the road, turns right, and just keeps on
running.

Windows 95 Chicken: You see different colored feathers while it crosses,
but cook it and it still tastes like ... chicken.

Windows 98 Chicken: It should have expected to cause a crash while
crossing.

------------------------------

Date:    Sat, 9 May 1998 07:34:38 -0400
From:    Terry Galan <galante@MCMAIL.CIS.MCMASTER.CA>
Subject: Did You know...???? (not off.)

 The sentence "The quick brown fox jumps over the lazy dog." uses every
 letter in the alphabet. (Developed by Western Union to Test telex/twx
 communications)

 A duck's quack doesn't echo, and no one knows why.

 In the 1940s, the FCC assigned television's Channel 1 to mobile Services
 (two-way radios in taxicabs, for instance) but did not re-number the
  other channel assignments. That is why your TV set has channels 2 and
  up, but no channel 1.

 The San Francisco Cable cars are the only mobile National Monuments.

 The only 15 letter word that can be spelled without repeating a letter is
 uncopyrightable.

 Hang On Sloopy is the official rock song of Ohio.

 The reason firehouses have circular stairways is from the days of yore
 when the engines were pulled by horses.  The horses were stabled on the
 ground floor and figured out how to walk up straight staircases.

 The Main Library at Indiana University sinks over an inch every year
 because when it was built, engineers failed to take into account the
 weight of all the books that would occupy the building.

 Each king in a deck of playing cards represents a great king from
 history. Spades - King David; Clubs - Alexander the Great; Hearts -
 Charlemagne; and Diamonds - Julius Caesar.

 111,111,111 x 111,111,111 = 12,345,678,987,654,321

 If a statue in the park of a person on a horse has both front legs in the
 air, the person died in battle; if the horse has one front leg in the
 air, the person died as a result of wounds received in battle; if the
 horse has all four legs on the ground, the person died of natural causes.

 Clans of long ago that wanted to get rid of their unwanted people without
 killing them used to burn their houses down - hence the expression "to
 get fired."

 "I am." is the shortest complete sentence in the English language.

 The term "the whole 9 yards" came from WWII fighter pilots in the
 Pacific.  When arming their airplanes on the ground, the .50 caliber
 machine gun ammo belts measured exactly 27 feet, before being loaded into
 the fuselage.  If the pilots fired all their ammo at a target, it got
 "the whole 9 yards."

 Hershey's Kisses are called that because the machine that makes them
 looks like it's kissing the conveyor belt.

 The phrase "rule of thumb" is derived from an old English law which
 stated that you couldn't beat your wife with anything wider than your
 thumb.

 An ostrich's eye is bigger that it's brain.

 The longest recorded flight of a chicken is thirteen seconds.

 The name Jeep came from the abbreviation used in the army for the
 "General Purpose" vehicle, G.P.

 The Pentagon, in Arlington, Virginia, has twice as many bathrooms as is
 necessary. When it was built in the 1940s, the state of Virginia still
 had segregation laws requiring separate toilet facilities for blacks and
 whites.

 Cat's urine glows under a blacklight.

 The highest point in Pennsylvania is lower than the lowest point in
 Colorado.

 Nutmeg is extremely poisonous if injected intravenously.

 If you have three quarters, four dimes, and four pennies, you have $1.19.
 You also have the largest amount of money in coins without being able to
 make change for a dollar.

 Only one person in two billion will live to be 116 or older.

 In Cleveland, Ohio, it's illegal to catch mice without a hunting license.

 It takes 3,000 cows to supply the NFL with enough leather for a year's
 supply of footballs. There are an average of 178 sesame seeds on a
 McDonald's Big Mac bun.

 The world's termites outweigh the world's humans 10 to 1.

 When Heinz ketchup leaves the bottle, it travels at a rate of 25 miles
 per year.

 It's possible to lead a cow upstairs...but not downstairs.

 Humans are the only primates that don't have pigment in the palms of
 their hands.

 On average, 100 people choke to death on ballpoint pens every year.

 In 10 minutes, a hurricane releases more energy than all the world's
 nuclear weapons combined.

 Reno, Nevada is west of Los Angeles, California.

 Average age of top GM executives in 1994: 49.8 years. Average age of the
 Rolling Stones: 50.6.

 Elephants can't jump. Every other mammal can.

------------------------------

Date:    Sat, 9 May 1998 08:26:08 -0400
From:    JBR Humor <jimr@POBOXES.COM>
Subject: New Cabinet Position

                        NEW CABINET POSITION

(WASHINGTON, JRI) - President Clinton today announced his historic
plan for a new cabinet-level position: Secretary of Regret. The new
office would coordinate and prioritize official United States
government apologies for past, present and future actions. The
budget calls for funding of several key staff members to support the
Secretary : Undersecretary of Guilt, Apologist General, and the
White House Angstperson. The White House has named the Rev. Jimmy
Swaggart as the first Secrectary of Regret. "We have sinned against
thee," cired a sorrowful Swaggart in the press conference called to
introduce him. Swaggart said he plans to begin with "hurting the
feelings of the British," and move chronologically through each and
every offense, both real and imagined, ever committed by the United
States of America. As a sign of the seriousness of the undertaking,
"E Pluribus Unum" will be replaced by "Mea Culpa" on all U.S. coins.


Original Humor Content - Featuring the Daily Monologue of the Internet
http://www.wirecom.com/jim

------------------------------

Date:    Sat, 9 May 1998 08:19:12 -0600
From:    Les Pourciau at UMem <POURCIAU@LATTE.MEMPHIS.EDU>
Subject: Minnesota Scandinavian humor

Heard on Garrison Keillor's "Prairie Home Companion" radio show:


Ole was on his death bed. His pastor had been summoned and, from all
appearances, the end was imminent. As he lay there gasping for breath,
a waft of an odor drifted into the room and Ole sniffed. He realized
that he was smelling his favorite of all things, Lena's chocolate
marshmallow brownies. With great effort, the old may got out of bed
and, with a huge effort, made his way down the stairs and into the
kitchen, following the delicious smell of the brownies. He spied them
in the open window, cooling. He staggered over and took one, savoring
the aroma, and took a big bite out of it. At that moment, Lena walked
into the kitchen and said, "Ole! You should be ashamed of yourself! I
baked those for after the funeral!"

------------------------------

Date:    Sat, 9 May 1998 22:01:52 -0400
From:    Bill Stebbins <bs16@CORNELL.EDU>
Subject: Better Plan <adult>


A new intern is getting a tour of the hospital he will be
working in.  He walks past a room where a man is vigorously
masturbating non-stop, and asks the doctor why the man was
doing such a thing out in the open?  The doctor replies, "Oh
he has a medical condition where the sperm builds up quickly
in his body, he has to masturbate constantly or he will explode.

"Oh, I see" says the intern.

They walk past another room where the intern sees a man laying
on a stretcher getting a blow job from a nurse.  Again, he asks
the doctor "What's up with that?"

The doctor says, "Same condition, better medical plan."


http://www.people.cornell.edu/pages/bs16/

------------------------------

Date:    Sat, 9 May 1998 21:39:11 -0500
From:    Lambert Ed <elambert@IX.NETCOM.COM>
Subject: In The News - Humorous News Quips

In The News - Edited Excerpts from the LA Times
Includes some late night humor

WARNING - May be offensive to American politicians and their interns, Los
Angelenos, El Ninoians, dead people, statisticians, actors & singers.
Includes sexual references.

Hillary Clinton testified before Kenneth Starr for the sixth time. She
reportedly broke down and admitted having a sexual relationship with
President Clinton. (O'Brien)

The Rev. Jerry Falwell has asked President Clinton to confess his sins and
get help if he's a sex addict. Clinton says he's a firm believer in God. In
fact, the president is often heard in the Oval Office screaming, "Oh God, Oh
God!"

Paula Jones says she'll be appealing a judge's decision to throw out her
sexual harassment lawsuit against President Clinton. This is the first time
that "Paula Jones" and "appealing" have ever appeared in the same sentence.

According to a USA Today poll, when women were asked who recently sent them
a love letter, 47% said their husband, 15% their boyfriend, and the rest
wouldn't say. Those letters have been subpoenaed by Kenneth Starr.

A friend of mine is trying out the new impotence miracle drug Viagra, but he
dropped one and his dog ate it. Now the dog's a pointer. (Leno)

Starbucks has a new - Viagra Latte. Guaranteed to keep you up all night.
(Leno)

Speaking of impotence - Microsoft is planning an image boosting campaign.
Bill Gates will have sex with his intern.

Delta and United Airlines are discussing mergers. Clinton is in favor of the
airline mergers - in fact, he wants to merge Virgin with Air Force One.
(Leno)

El Nino continued to pound Los Angeles last week. It's dangerous on the
roads - last week three people were killed in row-by shootings. (Cutler
Daily Scoop)

All the rain we've had means more flowers, which means killer bees will
come. Scientists say killer bees are no more dangerous than lightning.
Except lightning doesn't chase you down the street, into your house and fly
up your pant leg. (Leno)

When astronauts took off on their last Space Shuttle trip, they took with
them 18 mice, 152 rats and 1500 crickets. Humm.... sounds like my last
apartment.

A new version of "Psycho" will be filmed, with a new director and cast. It
will be different than the original - this time it will be in color, have
hip young stars, and suck. (Miller)

When Hollywood movies play in Hong Kong the titles often translate
strangely. "Boogie Nights" became "His Powerful Tool Makes Him Famous", "The
Full Monty" became "Six Stripped Warriors" and "The English Patient" is
"Don't Ask Me Who I Am". Oddly, "Titanic" is simply "Brando".

The producers of "Baywatch" annoiunced that this year the final episode of
the show will be interactive for viewers. Then again, for most men Baywatch
always is interactive... (O'Brien)

Boy George and Culture Club will reunite for a huge summer tour. Organizers
had hoped to get Wahm! on the bill, but George Michael declined. He prefers
to work solo in front of small audiences.

Michael Jackson is having a submarine built for him to escape any asteroid
that might hit the Earth. This way, he'll be able to perpetuate the species.
The question is, what species would that be?

A candy company has come out with Spice Girls lollipops. Now they suck in
more ways than one.

Statistics show that America has the highest rate of deaths from firearms.
This proves that guns don't kill people, keeping statistics kills people.

Magazines for women have these tips on how to avoid meeting Mr. Wrong -
check his medicine cabinet. If he has Beano, Rogaine and Viagra... just keep
moving. (Leno)

Hallmark Cards has introduced a line of dog thank-you notes. Don't we
already have this? My neighbor's dog keeps leaving them on my lawn...

The man who created the Alka-Seltzer jingle, "Plop plop, fizz fizz" has died
at the age of 65. Funeral plans call for his remains to be cremated and his
ashes scattered across a glass of water.

Bumper snicker of the day - "Dyslexics Have More Fnu"

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End of HUMOR Digest - 9 May 1998 to 10 May 1998
***********************************************

