HUMOR Digest - 8 May 1998 to 9 May 1998
There are 11 messages totalling 501 lines in this issue.

Topics of the day:

  1. Pun: Menopause
  2. Dilbert s Salary Law: Engineers Vs. Business
  3. Spoiled child and mother...(true story, language)
  4. maybe offensive to computer geeks (sexual innuendo)!
  5. what lucky charms marshmallows mean in the bedroom - adult langua ge
  6. College Finals--true story
  7. Say What You Mean
  8. FW: calvin and hobbes
  9. Frivolous comments & questions about contemporary life
 10. Adam and Eve
 11. really getting screwed! (suggestive)

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Date:    Thu, 7 May 1998 23:34:54 -0800
From:    Stan Kegel <kegel@FEA.NET>
Subject: Pun: Menopause

A woman goes to the doctor's and says, "Doctor, Doctor, you have to help
me. Every time I go to the bathroom, dimes come out!" The doctor tells
her to relax, go home, rest with her feet up and come back in a week. A
week later the woman returns and says, "Doctor, Doctor, it's gotten
worse! Every time I go to the bathroom, quarters come out!! What's wrong
with me?" Again the doctor tells her to relax, go home, rest with her
feet up and come back in a week. Another week passes and the woman
returns and yells, "Doctor, Doctor, I'm still not getting better! Every
time I go to the bathroom, half-dollars come out! What the heck is wrong
with me?" The doctor says, "Relax, Relax, ... you're just going through
your change!"

------------------------------

Date:    Fri, 8 May 1998 07:20:03 -0400
From:    Terry Galan <galante@MCMAIL.CIS.MCMASTER.CA>
Subject: Dilbert s Salary Law: Engineers Vs. Business

 Engineers and scientists will never make as much money as business
 executives. Now we have a mathematical proof that explains why this is
 true:

 Postulate 1:  Knowledge is Power.

 Postulate 2:  Time is Money.

 As every engineer knows,

   Work
   Power = ----Time

 Since, as everyone knows (postulated above) , Knowledge = Power, and
 Time = Money, we have:
                      Work
          Knowledge = ----- Money

 Solving for Money, we get:

                    Work
          Money = ---------
                   Knowledge     Q.E.D.!

 Thus, as Knowledge approaches zero, Money approaches infinity
 regardless of the amount of Work done.

 Conclusion:  The Less you Know, the More you Make.

 Note: It has been speculated that the reason why Bill Gates dropped out
 of Harvard's math program was because he stumbled upon this proof as
 an undergraduate, and dedicated the rest of his career to the pursuit of
 ignorance.

------------------------------

Date:    Fri, 8 May 1998 06:53:58 -0500
From:    Jennifer Walker <jkwalker@TENET.EDU>
Subject: Spoiled child and mother...(true story, language)

Thanks to JD STONE'S entry yesterday, I remembered this event when I
read his clean version of a similar experience... this is a TRUE recount
of my experience at a grocery store...

My mother and I were shopping together at the local grocery store, and
from the moment we entered, we were stuck behind this woman with her
son.  I say stuck because the boy was a brat, and the mother had
absolutely NO discipline system.  Since I am a teacher, I abhor being
around this sort of situation, but I find that I can muster up the
courage to say something to the parent once I have had enough.  As luck
would have it, just when we thought that we were away from them, we
would go to the next aisle and again have to put up with them there.  As
we went through the store, this boy would grab items and throw them into
the cart without permission.  Anything he liked, in it would go.  He was
about 3 or 4, and the mother had such a horrible time keeping him under
control.  As we got to the cereal aisle, he grabbed a box of cereal,
threw it into the cart, and the mother took it back out saying "you just
wait 'til we get home--I'm gonna tell your Daddy!"  The boy was
terrible.  We went on to the candy aisle, and again, here's this mother
and son, and he's throwing candy into the cart.  Again, the mother says
"you just wait 'til we get home--I'm gonna tell your Daddy!"  I had had
enough.  I told my mother that it was time to go.  She agreed.  We went
to the checkout line, and guess who shows up right behind us?  You
guessed it--this mother and son arrive.  She looks as if she has been
through World War III, and the boy begins to pick up candy from the
display and throw it into the cart.  Again, the mother says "you just
wait 'til we get home--I'm gonna tell your Daddy!"  Immediately the boy
shouts, "If you tell my Daddy, I'm gonna tell grandma that you put
Daddy's peepee in your mouth!"

------------------------------

Date:    Fri, 8 May 1998 08:51:37 -0400
From:    Grady Lacy <glacy@VALDOSTA.EDU>
Subject: maybe offensive to computer geeks (sexual innuendo)!

>From the BLAGUES-L (a bilingual joke list)

Two programming students meet on campus one day. The first engineer calls
out to the other, "Hey-Nice bike!  Where did you get it?"

"Well," replied the other, "I was walking to class the other day when this
pretty, young coed rode up on this bike. She jumped off, took off all of
her clothes, and said, "You can have ANYTHING you want!!"

"Good choice," said the first, "her clothes wouldn't have fit you anyway."

------------------------------

Date:    Fri, 8 May 1998 14:01:41 -0400
From:    "Musat, Bob" <Bob.Musat@TRI-C.CC.OH.US>
Subject: what lucky charms marshmallows mean in the bedroom - adult langua ge

Before you read on . . .choose your favorite marshmallow
from Lucky Charms from the list below . . .

     Pink hearts
     Yellow moons
     Orange stars
     Green clovers
     Blue diamonds
     Purple horseshoes
     Those icky oat bits

Ok. Have you got one in mind? Now you can read on. And don't change it!
-

Amazing new study shows that your favorite Lucky Charms marshmallow bit
shape determines what you're like in bed! Yes, it's true-just take this
simple test to determine your true bedroom personality:

GREEN CLOVERS: If your favorite Lucky Charms marshmallow shape is the
green clover, you're a happy-go-lucky type in bed. You don't take anything
too seriously in the bedroom or elsewhere and always manage to have a good
time, even if you have someone else with you. You don't have any patience
with depressed people and tend to sit on them until they cheer up.

BLUE DIAMONDS: If your favorite marshmallow shape is the blue diamond, your
thoughts in bed are mostly about what you'll get later. "If he really enjoys
this, will he buy me that mink coat?" is probably what's going through your
mind.  People who like blue diamonds have a notebook of preprinted
fill-in-the-blank palimony suit forms and are the people most likely to file
their nails while making love.

ORANGE STARS: If your favorite shape is the orange star, you expect to be
the center of attention in bed. You expect your partner to spend most of
his time pleasing you and when you do something for him, you expect
enthusiastic moaning if not applause. People who like orange stars often
have mirrors over their beds, not because they are turned on by watching
what is being done, but because they want to be able to watch themselves
having a good time. They often moan out their own names while making love.

PINK HEARTS: If you like pink hearts, you're the romantic type. You like
your partner to whisper romantic phrases into your ear and, if he's too
distracted to form coherent phrases, you'll settle for romantic syllables.
People who like pink hearts read most of the romance novels published and
are turned on by people wearing armor.

PURPLE HORSESHOES: If purple horseshoes are your thing, your tastes are
modern, uninhibited, and somewhat warped. You like variety in the bedroom,
especially when you can include handcuffs, chains, swingsets, and chocolate
pudding.. Be careful when going out on a picnic with anyone who likes purple
horseshoes-she's/he's likely to pin you down with croquet hoops when you're
not looking and who knows what could happen next?

YELLOW MOONS: If you're the yellow moon type, you're more interested in
satisfying your partner's needs than your own. You prefer to lie back and
wait for your partner to jump on you and express her/his needs verbally or
nonverbally. People who like yellow moons usually own several pairs of
handcuffs and other instruments of kinky sex just in case someone should
ever want to tie them up and ravish them.  Keep your eyes open for anyone
who eats all the yellow moons out of her cereal as soon as she opens the box.


Those little oat bits that aren't marshmallows at all: If you prefer the
little oat bits, you probably don't like sex anyway and don't need to read
this article. People who prefer the oat bits usually become accountants,
librarians who work at the reference desk, or government employees; these
people like to chow down on a big bowl brimming with oat bits before a
tough day of protesting suggestive lyrics in rock music. People who like
oat bits have more time to spend writing letters to the editor than any
other type.

------------------------------

Date:    Fri, 8 May 1998 12:14:58 -0600
From:    Noelle Umback <umback@LAMAR.COLOSTATE.EDU>
Subject: College Finals--true story

If anyone out there thinks teaching is easy....  I AM NOT MAKING THIS UP!

Wednesday at 2:30 pm I was recording final grades after grading my Chemistry 120 exam which was given Monday at 2:00 pm.  I got a phone call from a guy who asked, "Can I take the final?"
I asked "what final?"
"The final in 120."
"That was MONDAY at 2.  Why are you calling now?!"
"Well, I had car trouble and I had to get back to Colman" (about 20 miles south of here.)
"And you couldn't call me before NOW?"
"Well, I got back late."
"Why didn't you call yesterday?"
"I was in court all day."  (He probably only got one phone call on Monday and he didn't want to use it on me.  I have a feeling that the car trouble was more than mechanical.) Looking up his grades I find that he has only passed (with a very low D) one test/quiz all semester.  I told him that the only way I'd let him take it was right NOW.
"No, I'm suppose to be in another final now.  So, you don't think it is worth my while to take it?"
"No, I don't think you'll get the 150+ points (out of 200) that you'll need to get a D in the class."
"Ok.  I had to ask."

So, HE SHOWS UP IN 45 MIN!!!
"So, can I take the final?"
"NO!!!  I'VE HAD IT POSTED FOR OVER AN HOUR!!!!"
"You mean this stuff is the final?"  (Pointing to 20+ pieces of paper labeled
KEY TO FINAL all over my wall.)
"If you can't figure that out, I'm sure you can't get the points you need on the final.  I'm sorry but NO."

He also went on to tell me about 300 acres of corn he has to get in....

I'm going to go borrow some high blood pressure meds.

------------------------------

Date:    Fri, 8 May 1998 14:41:49 -0400
From:    Bill Stebbins <bs16@CORNELL.EDU>
Subject: Say What You Mean

I've always ordered beverages one simple way: "A Coke, please."
Lately, though, this hasn't seemed to work.  Waitresses now often
respond, "I'm sorry, we don't have Coke.  We have Pepsi, Diet
Pepsi, Dr. Pepper, Mr. Pibb."

Tired of listening to the long list of soft drinks, I thought I'd
make life easier.  So one day I simply asked the snack bar clerk at
a movie theater for a "dark, carbonated beverage."

The young man behind the counter chuckled and asked, "Sir, would
you like a cylindrical plastic sucking device with that?"

------------------------------

Date:    Fri, 8 May 1998 13:25:10 +0200
From:    Soni Satish * Datavia <SatishSo@TRANSNET.CO.ZA>
Subject: FW: calvin and hobbes

	(For those Calvin and Hobbes fans out there)

    Calvin's (c) Dad's (D) "scientific" explanations.

    C: How do they know the load limit on bridges, Dad?
    D: They drive bigger and bigger trucks over the bridge until it
       breaks. Then they weigh the last truck and rebuild the bridge.

    C: Why does the sun set?
    D: It's because hot air rises. The sun's hot in the middle of
       the day, so it rises high in the sky. In the evening then, it
       cools down and sets.

    C: Why does it go from east to west?
    D: Solar wind.

    C: Why does the sky turn red as the sun sets?
    D: That's all the oxygen in the atmosphere catching fire.

    C: Where does the sun go when it sets?
    D: The sun sets in the west. In Arizona actually, near Flagstaff.

    C: Oh.
    D: That's why the rocks there are so red.
    C: Don't the people get burned up?
    D: No, the sun goes out as it sets. That's why it is dark at night.

    C: Doesn't the sun crush the whole state when it lands?
    D: Ha ha, of course not. Hold a quarter up. See, the sun's just
       about the same size.

    C: I thought I read that the sun was really big.
    D: You can't believe everything you read, I'm afraid.

    C: So how does the sun rise in the east if it lands in Arizona
       each night?
    D: Well, time for bed.

    C: Dad, how come old photographs are always black and white?
       Didn't they have color film back then?
    D: Sure they did. In fact, those old photographs ARE in color.
       It's just the WORLD was black and white then.

    C: Really?
    D: Yep. The world didn't turn color until sometime in the 1930s,
       and it was pretty grainy color for a while, too.

    C: That's really weird.
    D: Well, truth is stranger than fiction.

    C: But then why are old PAINTINGS in color?! If the world was
       black and white, wouldn't artists have painted it that way?
    D: Not necessarily. A lot of great artists were insane.

    C: But... but how could they have painted in color anyway?
       Wouldn't their paints have been shades of gray back then?
    D: Of course, but they turned colors like everything else in the '30s.

    C: So why didn't old black and white photos turn color too?
    D: Because they were color pictures of black and white, remember?

    C: Dad, will you explain the theory of relativity to me? I don't
       understand why time goes slower at greater speed.
    D: It's because you keep changing time zones. See, if you fly to
       California, you gain three hours on a five-hour flight, right?
       So if you go at the speed of light, you gain MORE time, because
       it doesn't take as long to get there. Of course, the theory of
       relativity only works if you're going west.

------------------------------

Date:    Fri, 8 May 1998 15:54:58 EST
From:    Bill Edwards <EDWARDS_BILL@COLSTATE.EDU>
Subject: Frivolous comments & questions about contemporary life

Now that I'm retired and don't have the weekend to look forward to,
some of the thrill has gone out of life.

Now we know the truth about Clinton. He had access to Viagra before
the FDA released it.

We smokers throw our cigarette butts on the ground because moron
nonsmokers fillup our ashtrays with trash, and we don't want to start
a fire.

Do tobacco companies have no-smoking areas?

What do you do if you work in a fast-food restaurant and a naked
couple pays for their order at the drive-through window?

Dear Jane (Fonda): Me and my seven starving children are sitting here
in our tar paper shack in North Georgia. We are hungry, but we are
happy because we are watching wrestling on cable TV.

To the person wondering how many white people were considered for the
airport manager position (Hartsfield, Atlanta): Now you know how we
black people feel and how we have to live each and every day.

When a tornado downs trees, it's called devastation. When a developer
does it, it's called necessary.

Heard on an Alive News Flash: "This woman's lifeless body was found on
the side of the road. Do you have the missing pieces?"

I don't care how "Seinfeld" ends, I didn't like "Titanic," and I don't
have an answering machine or call waiting!

Source: recent issue's of the Atlanta Journal-Constitution's the Vent.

------------------------------

Date:    Fri, 8 May 1998 03:51:45 -0400
From:    Jim Moore Jr <jimjr@QIS.NET>
Subject: Adam and Eve

* God made Adam & He rested.  Then he made Eve.  Since then --
  No one's rested !
                                - - - - -

* Adam and Eve must have had a great marriage.  Adam couldn't
  talk about his Mother's cooking, and Eve couldn't mention
  all the men she could/should have married.
                                - - - - -

*   A family came home from Church where the sermon was on Adam
  and Eve.  The Mother noticed the boy sitting on the bed feeling
  his ribs.  She asked what he was doing.
    He said, "I counted these things 3 times now.  Ma !  I think
  I'm having a wife."
                                - - - - -

* Speaking of ribs (I was).  Guys, the next time your wife bests
  you in an argument.  Look at her evenly & calmly say, "Ya know...
  sometimes I think I'd rather have my rib back.
                                - - - - -

* God was wise in making Adam first.  Had He made Eve first, He'd
  still be "fixing things" Eve wanted changed in man.
                                - - - - -

* Contrary to popular belief, it wasn't the apple on the tree that
  got us banished from Paradise.  It was the pair on the ground.
                                - - - - -

* Just think.  When Eve said she had nothing at all to wear --
  She meant it !
                                - - - - -

* Could it be that God's not perfect after all ?  The Jury's still
  out on whether Eve was God's second mistake.


Complete UGA Humor Digests [zip format] 1997-1998:
     http://www.geocities.com/BourbonStreet/6293

------------------------------

Date:    Fri, 8 May 1998 20:10:09 -0700
From:    Jack Kolb <KOLB@UCLA.EDU>
Subject: really getting screwed! (suggestive)

[Thanks to Katie Andrews]

Late one night a woman was walking home when a man grabbed her and
dragged her into the bushes.
   "Help me!  Help me!" she screamed.  "I'm being robbed!"
   "You ain't being robbed, slut!" her attacker interrupted.  "You're
being screwed!"
   The woman looked down at her attacker as he unzipped his jeans. "If
you're screwing me with that," she fumed, "I am being robbed!"

Jack Kolb
Dept. of English, UCLA

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End of HUMOR Digest - 8 May 1998 to 9 May 1998
**********************************************

