HUMOR Digest - 7 May 1998 to 8 May 1998
There are 15 messages totalling 714 lines in this issue.

Topics of the day:

  1. Puns: The Treasure & the Gift
  2. The Not so Light Fantastic
  3. Nationalities (off. to just about everyone)
  4. HUMOR: Re: Year 2000 Compliant????
  5. Brewster the Horny Rooster <adult>
  6. off. to  George Michael!
  7. Sullenly Susan! (offensive to Arkansans)
  8. Humor:Clean, real life...
  9. Stupid comments and questions about contemporary life
 10. comfort ye [no off]
 11. Humor: Light at the End of the Tunnel
 12. You know you live in the Northwest if you...
 13. The Beer Prayer (0ffensie to the religious)
 14. McDONNELL DOUGLAS CORPORATION
 15. Tip for the Day

----------------------------------------------------------------------

Date:    Thu, 7 May 1998 00:03:59 -0800
From:    Stan Kegel <kegel@FEA.NET>
Subject: Puns: The Treasure & the Gift

Some local Nova Scotian teenagers went to Oak Island to search for the
legendary treasure of Captain Kidd. After thorough searching they came
across the cave where Kidd had hidden his most prized possessions. They
were afraid that if they were caught they would be arrested and the
treasure confiscated. So the leader of the group hid the loot inside his
grandfather's apiary. He then notified the rest of his conspirators: ...
Booty is in the beehives of the older."

" One hot summer day in a small town, a young boy was strolling down the
street with his girl friend. As they walked and window shopped, they
came upon a shop owned by a Chinese man named Chan. Among other things
in his shop, Chan had hand carved figurines made of teak wood. The girl
friend exclaimed "Oh I would love to have one of those teaks!! They are
beautiful!" Well, as luck would have it, the girl friends birthday was
only a week away and the young boy had not bought her a gift as yet.
After taking the girl home, he hurried back to the shop and asked Mr.
Chan about the teaks. "Oh teaks very fine quality" Chan replied "They
are $20 apiece." The boy said he only had $10 and told Chan what it was
for and would he sell him a teak for that price. Chan says no and tells
the boy to leave. The boy goes home thinking of a way to get one of
those teaks for his girl friend. Upon arriving home, The boy takes off
his shoes and socks so his feet would cool off. Just then, he sees a
bear skin rug on the floor and has an idea. He picks up the rug and goes
downtown. In his haste, the boy forgets to put his shoes back on, so he
puts the rug over his head and goes into Chan's shop and growls like a
bear and goes over to the teaks and grabs one and goes out the door. As
he is leaving Chan yells at him: ... "Come back -- Boy foot bear with
teak of Chan!"

------------------------------

Date:    Thu, 7 May 1998 03:49:44 -0400
From:    Jim Moore Jr <jimjr@QIS.NET>
Subject: The Not so Light Fantastic

* They started to dance.  As they spun around, he noticed that
  his partner was growing taller.  Asked what was happening, the
  girl explained, "I've got a wooden leg and you keep turning me
  the wrong way."
                                - - - - -

* She used to be a one of the best bubble dancers around...
  but one nite, her career blew up in her face.
                                - - - - -

*   At a party one time, I mentioned the wild dancers of the 50's
  and 60's.  An overweight lady there said she used to be a "go-go
  dancer."  Not wanting to insult her, all I said was "Neat."
    She sighed and replied, "Yeah.  Men took one look at me & said
  'Go !  Go !'."
                                - - - - -

* This is not only funny, but true.  The blonde go-go dancer in the
  many Annette and Frankie "Beach Party" movies named Candy wore out
  her dresses from the inside.
                                - - - - -

*   He held her closely as they moved around the dance floor. After
  about the 5th time of stepping on her toes, he said, "I just can't
  understand it.  I've never danced so badly before."
    The woman smirked and replied, "Oh !  You've danced before ?"
                                - - - - -

* I'd be a great dancer if it weren't for two things -- my feet !
                                - - - - -

*   Not sure how it ever got started, but a tradition in the Navy is
  all of the pilots dance with the Wing Commander's wife.  I walked
  over at a dance once and asked if she'd like to dance and she said,
  "I don't dance with a child."
    I smiled, bowed, and replied, "Oh !  I'm sorry.  If I would have
  known your condition, I wouldn't have asked."


Complete UGA Humor Digests [zip format] 1997-1998:
http://www.geocities.com/BourbonStreet/6293

------------------------------

Date:    Thu, 7 May 1998 07:19:59 -0400
From:    Terry Galan <galante@MCMAIL.CIS.MCMASTER.CA>
Subject: Nationalities (off. to just about everyone)

 There is a beautiful deserted island in the middle of nowhere where the
 following people are stranded:

   * 2 Italian men and 1 Italian woman
   * 2 French men and 1 French woman
   * 2 German men and 1 German woman
   * 2 Greek men and 1 Greek woman
   * 2 English men and 1 English woman
   * 2 Bulgarian men and 1 Bulgarian woman
   * 2 Swedish men and 1 Swedish woman
   * 2 Irish men and 1 Irish woman

 One month later on this beautiful deserted island in the middle of
 nowhere ...

 * The 1 Italian man killed the other for the Italian woman

 * The 2 French men and the French woman are living happily together in a
   "menage a trois"---

 * The 2 German men have a strict weekly schedule of when they alternate
   with the German woman

 * The 2 Greek men are sleeping with each other and the Greek woman is
   cleaning  and cooking for them

 * The 2 English men are waiting for someone to introduce them to the
   English woman

 * The Bulgarian men took one look at the endless ocean, one look at the
   woman and started swimming.

 * The two Swedish men are contemplating the virtues of suicide while the
   woman keeps on bitching about her body being her own and the true
   nature of feminism.  But at least it's not snowing and the taxes are
   low.

 * The Irish began by dividing their island Northside-Southside and
   setting up a distillery. They don't remember if sex is in the picture,
   cause it gets sort of foggy after the first few liters of
   coconut-whiskey, but at least they know the English aren't getting
   any...

------------------------------

Date:    Thu, 7 May 1998 09:59:24 -0400
From:    "Lara B. Little" <llittle@EMAIL.UNCC.EDU>
Subject: HUMOR: Re: Year 2000 Compliant????

There's one more verse to this song...

There is one way to fix this mess
I've got it now, by gosh!
If you want 4 digits for a date
Then get a Macintosh!
Then get a Macintosh!

(Sorry, couldn't resist...)

------------------------------

Date:    Thu, 7 May 1998 10:39:42 -0400
From:    Bill Stebbins <bs16@CORNELL.EDU>
Subject: Brewster the Horny Rooster <adult>


Farmer Bob had some chickens on his farm, and none of the roosters
would mate with them.  So, one day farmer Bob went to town to get a
new rooster. At the store, he told the storekeeper his problem.
"Oh, I have a rooster for you." The storekeeper said. He went back in
the back, and came out with an ordinary-looking rooster.  "This is
Brewster. He'll take care of those hens.  That'll be $50."

Farmer Bob was a little unsure, but he paid, took Brewster, and went
home.  He put Brewster in the hen house, and Brewster immediately began
mating with the hens:  feathers were flying everywhere, they were running
around, squawking like mad.  Farmer Bob went away laughing. Later in the
afternoon, Farmer Bob went out to the pig pen.  Brewster was there,
mating with all the pigs.  He was really going at it. Farmer Bob walked
away shaking his head.  The next morning, Farmer Bob went out to the
horse stable.  Again, Brewster was there mating with all the horses.

"Brewster!" Farmer Bob said, "You're gonna kill yourself!!"  Around noon,
Farmer Bob went past the cow pasture.  Brewster was at it with the cows.
"YOU ARE GONNA KILL YOURSELF!!!" Farmer Bob shouted at him before he
walked away. Around dinner time, Farmer Bob was making rounds of the
farm, and saw something on the hill in the pasture, with vultures
circling above.  He went up......sure enough, it was Brewster.  He lay
there, eyes popped out, tongue hanging out, feathers all over, wings
spread, not moving.  "SEE!! I TOLD YOU!!!  I TOLD YOU!!! YOU WERE GONNA
KILL YOURSELF, AND LOOK!"

Brewster made a noise, and Farmer Bob squatted down to see what he was
saying.  Brewster pointed up at the vultures and said: "Shhh!  you'll
scare them off..."

------------------------------

Date:    Thu, 7 May 1998 13:21:30 +0200
From:    Soni Satish * Datavia <SatishSo@TRANSNET.CO.ZA>
Subject: off. to  George Michael!

Dunno who wrote this but....

   Tribute To George Michael...

   Careless Wrister

   I'm never gonna wank again
   Guilty knobs have got no rythm
   Though it's easy to pretend
   I'm playing with my tool

   Should've known better than to wank in bogs
   Standing in shit and covered in jism
   So I'm never gonna wank again
   The way I wanked with you, oooh, argh, oooh...
   		~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

   Last Christmas

   Last Christmas I gave you my ass
   And the very next day you bashed it away
   This year, to save me from queers
   I gave it to some homosexual

   Once bitten, twice shy
   You kept on fistin', right up my brown eye
   Toilets baby, do you recognise me?
   From behind, I'm sure you'll surprise me!
   		~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

   Bog Tropicana

   Let me take you to a place
   Where queers will come upon your face
   If you want them to
   And if you're stoned from the bag
   They'll do things that make you gag
   As you sit upon the loo

   Bog Tropicana sex is free
   Bums and jism, there's enough for everyone
   And if you like cock just like me
   You can beat them, they all want you.
   		~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

   Filth

   Well I think it would be nice
   If I could stroke my todger
   I know that my big todger
   Would like it too,
   Oh

   But I've gotta think twice
   Before I give my game away
   Because the cops will come my way
   'Cause they like it too

   I've gotta have Filth, Filth, Filth
   I've gotta have Filth
   Yeah I've gotta have Filth, Filth, Filth
   I've gotta have Filth
   		~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

   Bolder

   I should have known, it seemed so easy
   You were there and watched me wanking, oooooh-e-oooooh

   Mmmm, don't you think I'm getting Bolder
   Something bad has happened to me
   Now all will know, that I'm really a fag

   So I'm out of time, I've gotta show
   I'll 'phone the Sun
   They'll tell blow by blow
   I'm out of time, I'm letting go
   My bum, is not my own...

------------------------------

Date:    Thu, 7 May 1998 11:08:28 +0000
From:    JBR Humor <jimr@POBOXES.COM>
Subject: Sullenly Susan! (offensive to Arkansans)

SULLENLY SUSAN!

(LITTLE ROCK, JRI) - Susan McDougal, Bill Clinton's partner in the
controversial Whitewater real estate venture may be rotting in jail,
but she's still has that enterpreunerial spirit! Today, McDougal
announced her own signature line of women's wear, targeted mainly to
the huge demographic of : "Women age 21 to 64 who have gotten jiggy
wit' President or "then Governor" Bill Clinton." The clothes are
variations on the bright orange jumpsuit which McDougal wears daily.
"These women feel dirty, guilty, violated," says McDougal. "They
want clothes which reflect the way they feel." Accessories include
stylish handcuffs and leg irons in glitering stainless steel, and
retro stenciled numbers on the lapel. The entire line should be
available in upscale Arkansas retail stores, such as "Everything's a
Dollar" and "Dress Barn Heifer."


Original Humor Content - Featuring the Daily Monologue of the Internet
http://www.wirecom.com/jim

------------------------------

Date:    Thu, 7 May 1998 15:00:54 EST
From:    JD STONE <jstone@EMH1.LEAD.ARMY.MIL>
Subject: Humor:Clean, real life...

Thanks to Christy Shannon....and to those still at Texas A&M

 Those of us who have had to take little ones shopping will get a
 real charge out of this one!

 A man observed a woman in the grocery store with a three year old
 girl in her basket. As they passed the cookie section, the little
 girl asked for cookies and her mother told her no. The little girl
 immediately began to whine and fuss, and the mother said quietly,
 "Now Monica, we just have half of the aisles left to go through;
 don't be upset. It won't be long."

 Soon they came to the candy aisle, and the little girl began to
 shout for candy. And when told she couldn't have any, began to cry.
 The mother said, "There, there, Monica, don't cry--only two more
 aisles to go, and then we'll be checking out."

 When they got to the check-out stand, the little girls immediately
 began to clamor for gum and burst into a terrible tantrum upon
 discovering there'd be no gum purchased. The mother patiently said,
 "Monica, we'll be through this check out stand in 5 minutes and then
 you can go home and have a nice nap."

 The man followed them out to the parking lot and stopped the woman
 to compliment her. "I couldn't help noticing how patient you were
 with little Monica," he began.

 Whereupon the mother said, "I'm Monica -- my little girl's name is
 Tammy."

 Thanx to FranCMT.

------------------------------

Date:    Thu, 7 May 1998 15:14:03 EST
From:    Bill Edwards <EDWARDS_BILL@COLSTATE.EDU>
Subject: Stupid comments and questions about contemporary life

(Source: http://www.accessatlanta.com/local/thevent)

If Bill and Hillary told the truth, do you think Kenneth Starr would
believe them?

The last tar paper house I saw in Jane Fonda's north Georgia had a BMW
in the front yard and a satellite dish mounted on the outhouse.

Could Bill Clinton have been the test subject for Viagra?

Twinkle, twinkle, Mr. Starr. How I wonder why you are.

I keep seeing a sign that says "Lots for sale," but it never says
specifically what they're selling.

I think they should also have emotionally handicapped parking.

Why isn't Paula Jones on public speaking circuit?

If you think you need the anti-impotence pill now, just wait until the
Dow starts to fall.

I don't care. At all. The end.

I'm sick and tired of all these stupid vents!

------------------------------

Date:    Thu, 7 May 1998 21:41:05 +0200
From:    Theo Legters <tlegters@GLOBALXS.NL>
Subject: comfort ye [no off]

Just for comfort:
There's always a light at the end of the tunnel -  it just could be the
oncoming train.

[Omnis Permitent So Long Hilaere Est]

------------------------------

Date:    Thu, 7 May 1998 14:55:25 -0600
From:    Les Pourciau at UMem <POURCIAU@LATTE.MEMPHIS.EDU>
Subject: Humor: Light at the End of the Tunnel

  Or, if you're travelling from New York, it could be New Jersey!!!

 Just for comfort:
 There's always a light at the end of the tunnel -  it just could be the
 oncoming train.

 [Omnis Permitent So Long Hilaere Est]

------------------------------

Date:    Thu, 7 May 1998 14:29:55 -0700
From:    "Michael J. Irvin" <irvinmj@WSU.EDU>
Subject: You know you live in the Northwest if you...

You know you live in the Northwest if you...

 1. Feel overdressed wearing a suit to a nice restaurant.

 2. Know at least eight people who work for companies that manufacture
    computer parts, airplanes, or athletic shoes.

 3. Can tell the difference between Japanese, Chinese, Vietnamese, and Thai
    food.

 4. Return from a California vacation depressed because "all the grass was
    dead."

 5. Know the vast difference between SBC, Torrefazone, Coffee People and
    Starbucks.

 6. Take a half day every July 1 to find your sunglasses and sunscreen.

 7. Remember the date, severity, time of day, where you were, and how long
    you were out of power and phone service for every winter-weather event in
    the last five years.

 8. Feel guilty for days after throwing an aluminum can in the trash instead
    of recycling it.

 9. Get very, very happy when the early morning weather forecast includes the
    term "sun breaks."

10. Are able to use 10 words to order a beverage the rest of the country
    calls "coffee."

11. Have ever called your insurance agent to ask if your homeowner's policy
    covers falling trees, flooding, or mud slides - or if the number of your
    favorite roofing company is on your phone's "speed-dial" list.

12. Never go camping without waterproof matches, ponchos, and mattress pads
    that double as flotation devices.

13. Know more people who own boats than air conditioners.

14. Moved to the Northwest because you read that the two most popular
    hobbies are fishing and reading. Since arriving you've taken up fly
    fishing and learned to tie flies by reading a book.

15. Consider that if it doesn't have snow on it or has not recently erupted,
    regardless of elevation, it is a "hill" and not a "mountain."

16. Complain about Californians until the day you sell your house to one for
    twice what you paid for it.

17. Don't complain about Californians because you secretly married to one or
    are dating one.

18. Find a wallet with $500 in it, return it all to the owner and refuse a
    reward.

19. Know the difference between Chinook, Coho, and Sockeye salmon.

20. Used to live somewhere else.

21. Believe swimming is not a sport but a survival skill to prevent boating
    deaths.

22. Believe swimming should only be done indoors, except in emergencies.

23. Own more than 10 articles of clothing that have the names of
    microbrewries/brewpubs printed on them. Bonus for embroidery.

24. Wave at people who drive Ford Explorer sport utility vehicles like yours.

25. Basically, you just drive down the road waving.

26. Can point in the direction of two or more volcanoes even though you
    can't see them through the clouds.

27. Think downtown is "scary" because you were panhandled there once.

28. Go to work and return home in the dark in the winter, even though you
    only have an eight-hour work day.

29. Find that when the weather gets above 60 degrees, you replace your
    hiking boots with Birkenstock or Teva sandals.

30. Believe people who use umbrellas are wimps, Californians, or both.

31. You are sitting at a downtown red light. The light turns green and the
    car in front of you does not move. You do not honk. After two more light
    changes, you approach the driver to ask if they need any assistance.

------------------------------

Date:    Thu, 7 May 1998 18:39:21 EDT
From:    SueS7 <SueS7@AOL.COM>
Subject: The Beer Prayer (0ffensie to the religious)

 The Beer Prayer:

      Our lager,
      Which art in barrels,
      Hallowed be thy drink.
      Thy will be drunk, (I will be drunk), At home as it is in the tavern.
      Give us this day our foamy head,
      And forgive us our spillage,
      As we forgive those who spill against us. And lead us not to
      incarceration,
      But deliver us from hangovers.
      For thine is the beer, the bitter, and the lager.

      Barmen.



*  The problem with the world is that everyone is a few drinks behind.
			  --Humphrey Bogart

------------------------------

Date:    Thu, 7 May 1998 19:10:33 -0700
From:    "Dr. L. A. Wilson" <Allen_Wilson@BC.SYMPATICO.CA>
Subject: McDONNELL DOUGLAS CORPORATION

This was actually posted very briefly on the McDonnell Douglas website by
an employee who obviously has a sense of humor. The company made the web
department take it down immediately.

Thank you for purchasing a McDonnell Douglas military aircraft. In order
to protect your new investment, please take a few moments to fill out the
warranty registration card below.
Answering the survey questions is not required, but the information will
help us to develop new products that best meet your needs and desires.

1. [_] Mr.    [_] Mrs.     [_] Ms.    [_] Miss    [_] Lt.
   [_] Gen.   [_] Comrade  [_] Classified    [_] Other
Name: ...................................................
Password: .............................. (max 8 char)
Code Name: ......................................................
Latitude-Longitude-Altitude: ...........  ...........  ..........

2. Which model aircraft did you purchase?
 [_] F-14 Tomcat        [_] F-15 Eagle          [_] F-16 Falcon
 [_] F-117A Stealth     [_] Classified

3. Date of purchase (Year/Month/Day): 19....... / ....... / ......

4. Serial Number: .................................................

5. Please check where this product was purchased:
 [_] Received as gift / aid package     [_] Catalog showroom
 [_] Independent arms broker            [_] Mail order
 [_] Discount store                     [_] Government surplus
 [_] Classified

6. Please check how you became aware of the McDonnell Douglas product
   you have just purchased:
 [_] Heard loud noise, looked up        [_] Store display  [_] Espionage
 [_] Recommended by friend / relative / ally
 [_] Political lobbying by manufacturer [_] Was attacked by one
 7. Please check the three (3) factors that most influenced your decision
    to purchase this McDonnell Douglas product:
 [_] Style / appearance          [_] Speed / maneuverability
 [_] Price / value               [_] Comfort / convenience
 [_] Kickback / bribe            [_] Recommended by salesperson
 [_] McDonnell Douglas reputation[_] Advanced Weapons Systems
 [_] Negative experience opposing one in combat
 [_] Backroom politics

8. Please check the location(s) where this product will be used:
 [_] North America              [_] Central / South America
 [_] Aircraft carrier           [_] Europe
 [_] Middle East                [_] Africa
 [_] Asia / Far East            [_] Misc. Third World countries
 [_] Classified

9. Please check the products that you currently own or intend to
   purchase in the near future:
 [_] Color TV                   [_] VCR
 [_] ICBM                       [_] Killer Satellite
 [_] CD Player                  [_] Air-to-Air Missiles
 [_] Space Shuttle              [_] Home Computer
 [_] Nuclear Weapon

10. How would you describe yourself or your organization?
    (Check all that apply:)
 [_] Communist / Socialist      [_] Terrorist
 [_] Crazed                     [_] Neutral
 [_] Democratic                 [_] Dictatorship
 [_] Corrupt                    [_] Primitive / Tribal

11. How did you pay for your McDonnell Douglas product?
 [_] Deficit spending           [_] Cash
 [_] Suitcases of cocaine       [_] Oil revenues
 [_] Personal check             [_] Credit card
 [_] Ransom money               [_] Traveler's check

12. Your occupation:
 [_] Homemaker                  [_] Sales / marketing
 [_] Revolutionary              [_] Clerical
 [_] Mercenary                  [_] Tyrant
 [_] Middle management          [_] Eccentric billionaire
 [_] Defense Minister / General [_] Retired
 [_] Student

13. To help us understand our customers' lifestyles, please indicate the
interests and activities in which you and your spouse enjoy participating
on a regular basis:
 [_] Golf                       [_] Boating / sailing
 [_] Sabotage                   [_] Running / jogging
 [_] Propaganda / disinformation[_] Destabilization / overthrow
 [_] Default on loans           [_] Gardening
 [_] Crafts                     [_] Black market / smuggling
 [_] Collectibles / collections [_] Watching sports on TV
 [_] Wines                      [_] Interrogation / torture
 [_] Household pets             [_] Crushing rebellions
 [_] Espionage / reconnaissance [_] Fashion clothing
 [_] Border disputes            [_] Mutually Assured Destruction

Thank you for taking the time to fill out this questionnaire. Your
answers will be used in market studies that will help McDonnell Douglas
serve you better in the future - as well as allowing you to receive
mailings and special offers from other companies, governments, extremist
groups, and mysterious consortia.
Comments or suggestions about our fighter planes? Please write to:
McDONNELL DOUGLAS CORPORATION, Marketing Department
Military Aerospace Division, P.O. Box 800, St. Louis, MO

------------------------------

Date:    Thu, 7 May 1998 21:16:20 -0700
From:    "Keith E. Sullivan" <KSullivan@WORLDNET.ATT.NET>
Subject: Tip for the Day

TIP FOR THE DAY

Study all the world's truly great success or motivational classics --
"How to Win Friends and Influence People," What Color Is Your
Parachute," and "The Autobiography of Attila the Hun" -- and you will
soon notice they all say the same thing:  a great success or
motivational book needs lots of anecdotes.

Anecdotes are quite powerful for they are hearty examples of DOING.  The
best ones are written in prison, where they are honed to mythic levels
of inspiration and then passed on to the high echelons of leadership.
Use them often!

by Rich Hall, Self-Help for the Bleak, Copyright 1994


--
Keith's Mostly Clean Humor & Weird (McHaw) List

------------------------------

End of HUMOR Digest - 7 May 1998 to 8 May 1998
**********************************************

