HUMOR Digest - 30 Apr 1998 to 1 May 1998
There are 9 messages totalling 479 lines in this issue.

Topics of the day:

  1. 4 Puns
  2. The WorkPlace
  3. what's common? <very strong lang. off to women and yuppies>
  4. Ways for a Woman to get over Cabin Fever...and Drive Men Nuts!
  5. Virtual Hilarity
  6. five movies to get out of a date
  7. College Entrance Exam for Football Players <off. to college football
     players>
  8. It's A Tough Life
  9. Adam and Eve <sex reference>

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Date:    Wed, 29 Apr 1998 23:20:22 -0800
From:    Stan Kegel <kegel@FEA.NET>
Subject: 4 Puns

Fran and Al were honeymooning in France, visiting all the historic
sites. Today's highlight was to have been the visit to the famous bell
tower at the Cathedral of Saint Lorraine near Nice. They had expected
that the playing of the famous bells while they were in the tower would
be one of their fondest memories of the trip. They were the first in
line on that cloudy morning to purchase tickets to enter the tower when
there was a sudden flash of lightning which struck the tower totally
destroying it. The ticket-seller, surveying the results, immediately
offered to sell tickets to see the ruins at half the usual price. The
newlyweds immediately accepted the offer thereby becoming the first
husband and wife team to receive ... the no bell price.


When Leif Ericson returned from his New World voyage, he found that his
name had been dropped from the registry of his hometown. He reported the
omission to the chief town official who, deeming it a slight to a
distinguished citizen, protested strongly to the district census taker.
"I'm terribly sorry," apologized that officer in great embarrassment.
... "I must have taken Leif off my census"!


Two good Montana buddies were out hunting for a cougar that was killing
their sheep. They staked out an area of the woods near their fields, and
waited. After a while, sure enough, there came the cougar. They
patiently waited until it was close, and then they both jumped up and
shot it at the same time. They couldn't tell whose bullet had taken the
cougar's life! They decided to share the credit, and also to have the
cougar stuffed, and they decided to take turns keeping the stuffed
cougar. However, this arrangement turned out not to be to their liking.
Instead, they decided to divide the stuffed cougar in two, and flip a
coin for who would get which end. Bill lost, and ended up with a mounted
trophy of the cougar's rear. So even though shooting the cougar was a
great sporting victory, Bill thought ... it was nothing but a
catastrophe.


This story was related by a baseball announcer, who attributed it to
Honus Wagner. Way back when Honus played, they didn't have stadium
lights and when it got dark, you couldn't see what you were doing very
well. One time, he was playing in the outfield and the ball was hit his
way, but he just lost it in the darkness. Fortunately, a rabbit was
running by at the time and he grabbed it and threw it to first for the
out. This was the very first time anyone was ever ... thrown out by a hare.

------------------------------

Date:    Thu, 30 Apr 1998 02:59:44 -0400
From:    Jim Moore Jr <jimjr@QIS.NET>
Subject: The WorkPlace

* I have a question for all those work-aholics reading this.
  If work is so great, how come they have to pay us to do it.
                                - - - - -

* Before I retired the Maryland State Highway, I held a really
  responsible position in the Office of Maintenance.  Basically,
  anything that went wrong, they said I was responsible for it.
                                - - - - -

* Speaking of retiring (I was) after I left, the Administrator
  was asked when they were going to fill my vacancy.  All he said
  was, "Mr. Moore didn't leave any."
                                - - - - -

* I do have some advice for those youngsters just starting out in
  the workplace.  When you apply for a job, just remember, they're
  looking for educated 20 year olds with 30 years of experience.
                                - - - - -

* And after you get that job, remember: if you work faithfully for
  8 hours a day and complete your assignments accurately & on time,
  some day you'll become a manager and work 16 hours a day.
                                - - - - -

* You can always tell a really good Office Manager.  He's got that
  worried look on his assistant's face.
                                - - - - -

* Have y'all seen these "cubicles" most offices use these days ?
  Some of them are so small, the chairs can only swivel up and down.
                                - - - - -

* Always remember -- the only man who ever got all his work done by
  Friday was Robinson Crusoe.

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------------------------------

Date:    Thu, 30 Apr 1998 09:43:38 +0200
From:    Soni Satish * Datavia <SatishSo@TRANSNET.CO.ZA>
Subject: what's common? <very strong lang. off to women and yuppies>

What do cell phones and clitorus's have in common?

Every cunt has one!

------------------------------

Date:    Thu, 30 Apr 1998 07:07:51 -0400
From:    Terry Galan <galante@MCMAIL.CIS.MCMASTER.CA>
Subject: Ways for a Woman to get over Cabin Fever...and Drive Men Nuts!

 1. Take the batteries out of all the remotes in the house.
 2. Organize his workshop, bedroom, or other special place.
 3. Bribe his faithful dog away from him with a steady diet of HoHos.
 4. Shrink his underwear in the dryer and when he complains, innocently
    suggest that he's gained a few pounds.
 5. Stare at his forehead and when he notices, casually ask if there is
    any history of male pattern baldness on his mother's side.
			===========================

 The Best Ways to Drive a Woman Crazy and Help Relieve Boredom for Men

 1. Call her by the dog's name and then deny it.
 2. Answer all her questions with a question, preferably one on a totally
    different subject.
 3. Superglue the commode seat in the up position.
 4. Shrink her jeans and when she overreacts because she thinks that she's
    gaining weight, give her a condescending smile and say that you prefer
    her with some meat on her bones.
 5. Firmly refuse to ever ask for directions even if you find yourself in
    Georgia when your original destination was California.
 6. "Accidentally" fill the gas tank of his new Porsche with diesel.
 7. Loan his precious cellular phone to a pregnant girlfriend who "needs
    it more than he does."
 8. Insist upon a lot of "meaningful conversations."
 9. If you live together, have your mother fly in for a month-long visit
    unannounced.

                     And Finally...

 10. Give the secret stash of dirty magazines that he thinks you don't
     know about to his younger brother.
			===========================

     Hey, Guys! Don't Get Mad, Get Even!!

 1. Call her by your mother's name and then deny it.
 2. Buy her power tools for Valentine's Day.
 3. Leave the newspaper open to an ad for plastic surgery.
 4. Never give her a straight answer.

         And Finally...

 5. Answer every question with "Yes, dear." (Use with caution - PMS is a
    valid murder defense in many states.)

------------------------------

Date:    Thu, 30 Apr 1998 07:25:05 -0400
From:    Bill Stebbins <bs16@CORNELL.EDU>
Subject: Virtual Hilarity

VIRTUAL HILARITY

I work in a busy office where a computer going down causes quite an
inconvenience. Recently one of our computers not only crashed, it made a
noise that sounded like a heart monitor. "This computer has flat-lined,"
a co-worker called out with mock horror. "Does anyone here know how to do
mouse-to-mouse?"

"Hey, I just heard you can download the entire Tyson-Holyfield fight from
the Internet," one boxing fan mentioned to another. "Really?" said the
other man. "How much memory does it take up?" "Very little," replied the
first man. "Just two bytes."

While my brother-in-law was tapping away on his home computer, his
ten-year-old daughter sneaked up behind him. Then she turned and ran into
the kitchen, squealing to the rest of the family, "I know Daddy's
password! I know Daddy's password!" "What is it? her sisters asked
eagerly. Proudly she replied, "Asterisk, asterisk, asterisk, asterisk,
asterisk!"

A couple of years ago, I helped a friend buy a computer because he said I
was the only "computer friend" he had. Recently he decided to buy a more
powerful computer and again asked my advice. "I'm sorry," I told him. "I
haven't kept up with computers much since your last purchase." "Great,"
he said "Not only do I have to upgrade my computer, I have to upgrade my
computer friend too."

Little Girl to her friend: "I'm never having kids. I hear they take nine
months to download."

When my printer's type began to grow faint, I called a local repair shop
where a friendly man informed me that the printer probably needed only to
be cleaned. Because the store charged $50 for such cleanings, he told me,
I might be better off reading the printer's manual and trying the job
myself. Pleasantly surprised by his candor, I asked, "Does your boss know
that you discourage business?" "Actually it's my boss's idea," the
employee replied sheepishly. "We usually make more money on repairs if we
let people try to fix things themselves first."

Bumper sticker: Not tonight, dear. I have a modem.

When my son Jared began spending lots of time in the Internet chat
rooms,I worried that his grades would suffer. I made him promise to do
schoolwork until I returned home at 5p.m. One day at 4:30 I decided to
check up on him. Using my office computer, I went on-line and entered his
favorite chat room. To my dismay I saw Jared's name among the list of
current participants and immediately decided to teach him a lesson in
front of his cyber friends. "Jared," I typed, "this is your mother,
and you are grounded for two weeks!" "Hi, Mrs. Beyeler," came a
reply. "This is David. Jared's doing homework right now, and he said I
could use his computer. But I'll be sure to let him know that he's been
grounded."


http://www.people.cornell.edu/pages/bs16/

------------------------------

Date:    Thu, 30 Apr 1998 13:57:53 -0400
From:    "Musat, Bob" <Bob.Musat@TRI-C.CC.OH.US>
Subject: five movies to get out of a date

as reported at http://www.student.com/98/02/12/vtinesbadate/index.phtml


Not everyone who has a date on Valentine's Day actually wants one. If
you'd like to get away from love and spend the night with your crew,
watch one of these awful movies - and be sure to make comments at the
appropriate (or inappropriate) times!
1. Ben
This sordid tale chronicles a boy's bizarre and disturbing love for a
lab rat named Ben. Be sure to weep for Ben when he gets it. Your date
will be out the door in no time!
2. The Birth of a Nation
Claim to be a history buff. Don't forget to cheer for the Ku Klux Klan!
3. Alive
This should give you some interesting conversation topics. Examples: "If
I died tonight, I'd want you to eat me," "What part of my face would you
eat last?" and so forth.
4. Me and Him
Griffin Dunne has a penis. The penis talks. This movie is even worse
than it sounds. More conversation you and your "loved one" can share:
either "Mine does that too," or "Boy, I sure wish I had one of those."
5. Before Sunrise
If your date insists on a romantic movie, get this one. It depicts the
best first date ever. Watching it while on a date of your own makes you
realize that no relationship you'll have could possibly measure up. Your
companion will go home miserable and alone, just like everyone else in
the world on Valentine's Day.

------------------------------

Date:    Thu, 30 Apr 1998 18:07:21 EDT
From:    Jeffrey C Gerard <thepiman@JUNO.COM>
Subject: College Entrance Exam for Football Players <off. to college football
         players>

UNIVERSITY ENTRANCE EXAM - FOOTBALL PLAYER VERSION
Time Limit: 3 weeks

1. Foreign Language: What Language is spoken in France?

2. History: Give a dissertation on the ancient Babylonian Empire with
   particular reference to architecture, literature, law, and social
   conditions
   		  -OR-
   Give the first name of Pierre Trudeau.

3. Literature: Would you ask William Shakespeare to
 (a) build a bridge
 (b) sail the ocean
 (c) lead an army or
 (d) WRITE A PLAY

4. Religion: What religion is the Pope?
 (a) Jewish
 (b) Catholic
 (c) Hindu
 (d) Polish
 (e) Agnostic (circle only one)

5. Metric Conversion: How many feet equal 0.0 meters?

6. Physics: What time is it when the big hand is on the 12 and the little
   hand is on the 5?


7. Religion: How many commandments were Moses given? (approximately)


8. Geography: What are people in America's far north called?
 (a) Westerners
 (b) Southerners
 (c) Northerners

9. American History: Spell Bush, Carter, and Clinton.

10. European History: Six kings of England have been called George, the
    last one being George the Sixth. Name the previous five.

11. Natural Science: Where does rain come from?
 (a) Macy's
 (b) a 7-11
 (c) Canada
 (d) the sky

12. Advanced Physics: Can you explain Einstein's Theory of Relativity?
 (a) yes
 (b) no

13. Philosophy: What are coat hangers used for?

14. Political Science: The Star Spangled Banner is the National Anthem
    for what country?

15. Physics:Explain Le Chateliers Principle of Dynamic Equilibrium
	     -OR-
    Spell your name in BLOCK LETTERS.

16. Architecture: Where is the basement in a three story building located?

17. Agricultural Science: Which part of America produces the most oranges?
 (a) New York
 (b) Florida
 (c) Canada
 (d) Wisconsin

18. Advanced Math: If you have three apples how many apples do you have?

19. Communications: What does NBC (National Broadcasting Corporation)
    stand for?

20. The Cornell University tradition for efficiency began when
    (approximately)?
 (a) B.C.
 (b) A.D.
 (c) still waiting

You must answer three or more questions correctly to qualify.

------------------------------

Date:    Thu, 30 Apr 1998 21:15:35 EDT
From:    Minnstrall <Minnstrall@AOL.COM>
Subject: It's A Tough Life

Before you start crabbing about your job, or final exams, or whatever.....
READ THIS:

The San Francisco Zoo has an elephant named Calle who has a chronic
illness, requiring  medication.  The zoo people couldn't get Calle to
take her dose orally, so a California pharmacologist developed a
suppository.  The 10-inch-long, four-pound, cocoa-butter bullets are
crafted by the good folks at Guittard Chocolates in Burlingame.

Administering the DAILY medication takes five zoo workers, including
one person to distract Calle with treats and one person who wears a
full-arm glove.

Why am I telling you this????

Just think - FIVE people have jobs worse than yours!
Now stop bitching and get back to work.

------------------------------

Date:    Thu, 30 Apr 1998 19:27:58 -0800
From:    Steven & Susan <sgarrett@NWRAIN.COM>
Subject: Adam and Eve <sex reference>

After a few days on the new Earth, the Lord called to Adam and said,
"It is time for you and Eve to begin the process of populating the earth,
so I want you to kiss her."

Adam answered, "Yes, Lord, but what is a 'kiss'?" The Lord gave a
brief description to Adam, who took Eve by the hand and took her to a
nearby bush.

A few minutes later, Adam emerged and said, "Thank you Lord, that was
enjoyable."

And the Lord replied, "Yes Adam, I thought you might enjoy that. Now,
I'd like you to caress Eve."

And Adam said, "What is a 'caress'?"

So, the Lord again gave Adam a brief description and Adam went behind
the bush with Eve.

Quite a few minutes later, Adam returned, smiling, and said, "Lord,
that was even better than the kiss."

And the Lord said, "You've done well Adam. And now, I want you to
make love to Eve."

And Adam asked, "What is 'make love', Lord?"

So, the Lord again gave Adam directions and Adam went again to Eve
behind the bush, but this time he re-appeared in two seconds.

And Adam said, "Lord, what is a 'headache'?"

------------------------------

End of HUMOR Digest - 30 Apr 1998 to 1 May 1998
***********************************************

