HUMOR Digest - 29 Apr 1998 to 30 Apr 1998
There are 13 messages totalling 574 lines in this issue.

Topics of the day:

  1. Gardening
  2. HUMOR: Men and Women
  3. Darwin awards(no lang. but violent)
  4. 11 Is Enough! (off. to Rednecks)
  5. Banned Children's Books <adult, oddly>
  6. Home Ec textbook - revised
  7. Top Ten Nerf Toys '97 <off. to Iowans and Lawyers>
  8. Alzheimer's disease <offending medical methodology>
  9. Glib comments and questions about contemporary life
 10. Big Tipper
 11. job applications
 12. Overheard in a parking lot (Clean)
 13. Save Your Head!!<clean,MUST for S/W people>

----------------------------------------------------------------------

Date:    Wed, 29 Apr 1998 03:07:37 -0400
From:    Jim Moore Jr <jimjr@QIS.NET>
Subject: Gardening

* I pretty much confine my efforts to yard work.  I don't seem
  to have much luck with house plants.  I bought one of those
  hanging fern things for my computer room last winter.  Hell,
  even the rope died.
                                - - - - -

* I pride myself mostly on my lawn.  I may have overdone the
  fertilizer this year though and overfed it -- now, I have
  the only fat grass in the neighborhood.
                                - - - - -

* Last summer was tough in Maryland -- we had one of the worst
  droughts in over a hundred years.  It was so dry that even the
  artificial grass around the pool turned brown.
                                - - - - -

* I like to experiment with plants.  I crossed a rosebush with
  a pansy once.  The new plant still rambled like a rosebush,
  but it also skipped too.
                                - - - - -

* My neighbor goes in for what's generally called "container
  gardening".  In his case though, he and his plants are
  both potted.
                                - - - - -

* The photos that came back from Mars showed vast stretches of
  arid land. Now I'm wondering if 2 of my neighbors are aliens.
                                - - - - -

*   Had a tree doctor come out from Columbia Maryland to check our
  prize Oak Tree. I had to fire him though. He became emotionally
  involved with his patient.
    I was suspicious of him from day one.  He did a little minor
  trimming, saw some sap, and fainted.

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------------------------------

Date:    Wed, 29 Apr 1998 02:34:29 -0600
From:    Les Pourciau at UMem <POURCIAU@LATTE.MEMPHIS.EDU>
Subject: HUMOR: Men and Women

   THE DIFFERENCE BETWEEN MEN AND WOMEN (in one paragraph)

   A man is driving up a steep, narrow, mountain road.   A woman is
   driving down the same road.  As they pass each other, the woman
   leans out the window and yells, "PIG!!!"  The man immediately leans
   out his window and replies, "BITCH!" They each continue on their way.
   As the man rounds the next curve he crashes into a pig in the road.

------------------------------

Date:    Wed, 29 Apr 1998 10:55:15 +0200
From:    Soni Satish * Datavia <SatishSo@TRANSNET.CO.ZA>
Subject: Darwin awards(no lang. but violent)

 Some more Darwin awards

 1. Trying to keep warm in freezing weather, a 50 year old Cypriot
    huddled over his paraffin heater. Accidentally overturning it, he set
    himself on fire, screaming in pain as his clothes were engulfed he ran
    out of his abode and jumped into a nearby reservoir, where he sank
    like a stone and drowned as he was unable to swim.
 2. The average cost of rehabilitating a seal after the Exxon Valdez
    oil spill in Alaska was $80,000.  At a special ceremony, two of the
    most expensively saved animals were released back into the wild amid
    cheers and applause from onlookers.  A minute later they were both
    eaten by a killer whale.
 3. A psychology student rented out her spare room to a carpenter in
    order to nag him constantly and study his reactions.  After weeks of
    needling, he snapped and beat her repeatedly with an axe leaving her
    mentally retarded.
 4. In 1992, Frank Perkins of Los Angeles made an attempt on the
    world flagpole-sitting record. By the time he  came down, eight hours
    short of the 400 day record, his sponsor had gone bust, his girlfriend
    had left him and his phone and electricity had been cut off.
 5. A woman came home to find her husband in the kitchen, shaking
    frantically with what looked like a wire running from his waist towards
    the electric kettle. Intending to jolt him away from the deadly current
    she whacked him with a handy plank of wood, breaking his arm in two
    places.  A shame as he has merely been listening to  his walkman.
 6. Two animal rights protesters were protesting at the cruelty of
    sending pigs to a slaughterhouse in Bonn. Suddenly the pigs, all two
    thousand of them, escaped through a broken fence and stampeded,
    trampling the two hapless protesters to death.

 And the last & best.......

 7. Iraqi terrorist, Khay Rahnajet, didn't pay enough postage on a
    letter bomb. It came back with "return to sender" stamped on it.
    You've guessed it, he opened it and said a fond farewell to his face.

------------------------------

Date:    Wed, 29 Apr 1998 07:10:52 -0400
From:    Terry Galan <galante@MCMAIL.CIS.MCMASTER.CA>
Subject: 11 Is Enough! (off. to Rednecks)

 After having their 11th child, a redneck couple decided that was enough.
 They could not afford a larger double-wide so, the husband went to his
 doctor, who also treated mules, and told him that he and his wife/cousin
 didn't want to have any more children. The doctor told him that there was
 a procedure called a vasectomy that could fix the problem. The doctor
 instructed him to go home, get a cherry bomb (small fireworks), light it,
 put it in a beer can, then hold the can up to his ear and count to 10.
 The redneck said to the doctor, "I may not be the smartest man but I
 don't see how putting a cherry bomb in a beer can next to my ear is going
 to help me."

 So, the couple drove to get a second opinion. The second doctor was just
 about to tell them about the medical procedure for a vasectomy when he
 realized how truly backwards these people were. This doctor instead told
 the man to go home and get a cherry bomb, light it, place it in a beer
 can, hold it to his ear and count to 10.

 Figuring that both physicians couldn't be wrong, the man went home, lit a
 cherry bomb and put it in a beer can. He held the can up to his ear and
 began to count: "1, 2, 3, 4, 5.... ", at which point he paused, placed
 the beer can between his legs and resumed counting on his other hand.

------------------------------

Date:    Wed, 29 Apr 1998 13:31:16 +0200
From:    Maurizio Mariotti <mariotti@IAFRICA.COM>
Subject: Banned Children's Books <adult, oddly>

Children's Books That Were Banned Last Year

* Dad's New Wife Timothy
* Pop! Goes The Hamster....And Other Great Microwave Games
* Maybe Dick
* The Boy Who Ate Spinach...And Lived To Tell About It
* How to Become The Dominant Military Power In Your Elementary School
* Safe Sex And The Zip-Lock bag
* Testing Home-made Parachutes With Nothing At All But
   Your Household Pets
*  Egghead - And Other Things Mrs. Dumpty Gave Humpty
* The Complete Set Of "Mother Got Goosed" Nursery Rhymes

------------------------------

Date:    Wed, 29 Apr 1998 08:42:58 -0400
From:    Bill Stebbins <bs16@CORNELL.EDU>
Subject: Home Ec textbook - revised

Last week, an excerpt of a 50's Home Economics text book was posted,

New text books have recently been distributed...The 90's version:
		    ============================

Have dinner ready: Make reservations ahead of time.  If your day becomes
too hectic just leave him a voice mail message regarding where you'd like
to eat and at what time.  This lets him know that your day has been crappy
and gives him an opportunity to change your mood.

Prepare yourself:  A quick stop to the Lancome counter on your way home
will do wonders for your outlook and will keep you from becoming irritated
every time he belches at the table (don't forget to use his credit card!).

Clear away the clutter:  Call the housekeeper and let her know you'll need
her for an extra day this week.  Tell her that any miscellaneous items left
on the floor by the children can be placed in the Goodwill box in the garage.

Prepare the children:  Drop them off at Grandma's.

Minimize the noise: When he arrives at home, remind him that the washer and
the garbage disposal are still not working properly and the noise is
driving you crazy (but do this in a nice way and greet him with a warm
smile...this way he might fix it faster).

Some don'ts:  Don't greet him with problems or complaints.  Let him speak
first, and then your complaints will get more attention and remain fresh in
his mind throughout dinner.  Don't complain if he's late for dinner.
Simply remind him that the last one home does the cooking and the cleanup.

Make him comfortable:  Remind him where to find a warm fuzzy blanket if
he's cold.  This will really show you care.

Listen to him:  But don't ever let him get the last word.

Make the evening his: The chance to get the washer and garbage disposal fixed.

The goal:  To try to keep things amicable without reminding him that you
make much more money than he does.

------------------------------

Date:    Tue, 28 Apr 1998 19:34:22 -0600
From:    Brandon P Ruckdashel <bpruck@JUNO.COM>
Subject: Top Ten Nerf Toys '97 <off. to Iowans and Lawyers>

(Disclaimer) Although this is a top ten list it was not written by David
Letterman and although it may appear like one of his it isn't.

From his Home office in Salt Lake City Paul Ruckdashel

The Top Ten Nerf Toys for '97
10. The Nerf Sling shot for those whose parent's do not approve of
    any type of weapon. (Don't shoot at point blank range, it may cause
    longterm damage to target)
 9. The nerf nerve prodder delivers quick shocks to target, three
    settings nerf, old timer, and die die die.
 8. The nberf raygun is a compact gun with two settings don't hurt
    nothin (nerf) and blow your bedroom walls to oblivian.
 7. The nerf exploding football is the perfect tool for teaching
    your children how to catch a football. (Football if dropped delivers
    a 50 mega ton nuclear explosion to surrounding area and state)
 6. The nerf robotic ping pong opponent is great for the
    experienced ping pong player, it also teaches advanced techniques.
    (if the robotic nerf ping pong players opponent misses the ping pong
    ball during a game, this robot has been known to chuck a large number
    of balls at his/her head)
 5. The nerf electronic Karate tutor is an excelent addition to any dojo,
    the karate tutor is programed with black belt experience. (if karate
    tutor is not wearing nerf sandals and gloves serious injury could
    occur)
 4. Nerf cookies are great for practical jokes they look, feel, and
    almost never taste like the real thing. (if oinjested the nerf cookie
    could cause longterm mental and physical complications.
 3. Nerf bodyt parts make another good eddition to your practical
    joke kit. (blood sold seperately)
 2. Nerf Iowan mask is great for wearing in Iowa infact it'll even
    fool the cowa. (mask is actually a replica of Arne Carlsons face and
    will get you hurt)
 1. The nerf disguise kit is so good it'll even fool your local lawyer.

------------------------------

Date:    Wed, 29 Apr 1998 22:14:04 -0500
From:    Kristian Kirsfeldt <noonius@NETEXPRESS.EE>
Subject: Alzheimer's disease <offending medical methodology>

The test for detecting Alzheimer's disease
Institute of Alzheimer's disease (c) 1997

Introduction:
This test is used for detecting Alzheimer's disease. It provides a quick and
a simple method for a procedure previously thought almost impossible. The
following test should be used only by licensed doctors.

Guide for usage:
In the column below are 50 words of which 49 are invented and only one word
is the real "Alzheimer". The patient recieves the list of the words and is
asked to find "the right word". The patient has four hours to accomplish the
task.  After the patient has selected a word from the list, the doctor will
make conclusions based on the selection, time used by the patient etc.

The test, time: four hours, only one right word.

Luchzwiizer
Ifzfoirer
Hokzroiher
Larzmuicher
Wikzruiter
Chomzzainer
Otzneifer
Fizzmiirer
Fitzriiler
Lafztuizer
Chanzchiiler
Kurzwainer
Warzneiter
Zohztaiker
Chamzzaizer
Melzfuiwer
Elzruimer
Zinzniiter
Zinzmoiker
Charztiiner
Namzmailer
Chalzmiimer
Onzfeiker
Tawzheiler
Tichzmiiwer
Kezzfaifer
Fakzreifer
Kotzfaiter
Helzweifer
Hinzroicher
Mufzwaifer
Rifznaizer
Netzweirer
Henzhiiwer
Tahzkiiner
Nazzkairer
Alzheimer
Funzwaicher
Ukzkeimer
Kamzzeimer
Zahzliicher
Kalzkiiher
Limzlaicher
Chanzteicher
Watzlaicher
Chetzwoiher
Talzloizer
Lezzliiher
Chatzmiiter
Nawznaizer

------------------------------

Date:    Wed, 29 Apr 1998 17:19:03 EST
From:    Bill Edwards <EDWARDS_BILL@COLSTATE.EDU>
Subject: Glib comments and questions about contemporary life

Selected from http://www.accessatlanta.com/local/thevent

If all the world is a stage, where is the audience sitting?

Why are potato chips so expensive? Somebody has to pay for all that
air they use to fill the bag.

I went to church last year on Easter and they asked for money. I went
back again this year and they still wanted money.

Why is it the souvenirs we buy on vacation seem to tacky looking a
couple of years later?

Maybe Gill Gates should buy Raid to get the bugs out of Windows 98.

I understand the unofficial name for Windows 98 is now Monica 98. What
goes down more?

If the no. 2 pencil is so popular, why is it still no. 2.

If you ate pasta and antipasta, would you still be hungry?

All of these government restrictions that the tobacco companies are
crying about sound just fine to me.

Kenneth Starr says he is beginning to wrap things up. Give him another
six years, and he thinks he can get Clinton out of office.

You'd think with all their security, NASA could keep all those rats,
mice and crickets from getting aboard the space shuttle.

I will flip down the toilet seat if you promise to move the car seat
back. What's good for one seat should be good for the other.

------------------------------

Date:    Wed, 29 Apr 1998 17:36:00 -0600
From:    Randall Woodman <randall.woodman@LUNATIC.COM>
Subject: Big Tipper

>Sent From: Judy Lococo

One day a  bachelor who was a poor tipper walked into his favorite
restaurant and ordered lunch.

A new waitress served his meal and received a three cent tip.

When he came in the next day, she thanked him for his "generosity" and
she said she could tell the character of a diner by the way he tipped.

"Well, what could you tell about me?" he asked.

"You put three pennies in a neat row," said the waitress, "and that shows
you are a very tidy person.  The first penny tells me you are a frugal,
and the second tells me that you are a bachelor."

"That's true," he agreed.  "But what does the third penny tell you?"

"The third penny tells me your Father was a bachelor, too."


---
... Parking is such street sorrow

------------------------------

Date:    Wed, 29 Apr 1998 18:55:22 -0800
From:    Steven & Susan <sgarrett@NWRAIN.COM>
Subject: job applications

Today I was going through applications for a secretary position that I have
open and was amused twith a couple of responses.

One wrote: "I pick up quick things I don't know." (Kids don't try this at
home - we're professionals)

Another wrote: "fellow co-workers come to me for proofreading and proper
grammer skills." (I don't  think I will be asking her to proofread
anything)

------------------------------

Date:    Thu, 30 Apr 1998 00:06:37 -0500
From:    Anne Watters <PURPLE1@WEBTV.NET>
Subject: Overheard in a parking lot (Clean)

Two cars are parked together outside a supermarket.  The Ford is
scribbling furiously.

The Chevy asks "Hey.  Whatcha writing?"

"A book," frowns Ford.

"What's it about?," Chevy inquires.

"My life," offers Ford.

'What's it called?," Chevy continues.

"'An Autobiography,'" Ford states simply.

http://members.tripod.com/~Purple9999

------------------------------

Date:    Thu, 30 Apr 1998 10:48:38 -0400
From:    Chalapathi Rao Poduri <chaps@TC4HQ.CMC.STPH.NET>
Subject: Save Your Head!!<clean,MUST for S/W people>

This article is about Hyper Celebral Electrolysis (or simply
overloading of brain) and software engineers are more
prone to this problem.  Some symptoms are enlisted at the
end.  Read through....

How To Tell If Your Head's About To Blow Up
>From the WEEKLY WORLD NEWS, May 24, 1994

MOSCOW-Doctors are blaming a rare electrical imbalance in the
brain for the bizarre death of a chess player whose head
literally exploded in the middle of a championship game!

No one else was hurt in the fatal explosion but four players
and three officials at the Moscow Candidate Masters' Chess
Championships were sprayed with blood and brain matter when  Nikolai
Titov's head suddenly blew apart.

Experts say he suffered from a condition called Hyper-Cerebral
Electrosis or HCE. "He was deep in concentration with his eyes
focused on the board," says Titov's opponent, Vladimir Dobrynin. "All
of a sudden his hands flew to his temples and he screamed in pain.
Everyone looked up from their games, startled by the noise. Then, as
if someone had put a bomb in his cranium, his head popped like a
firecracker."

Incredibly, Titiov's is not the first case in which a person's
head  has spontaneously exploded. Five people are known to have died
of HCE in the last 25 years. The most recent death occurred just
three years  ago in 1991, when European psychic Barbara Nicole's skull
burst. Miss Nicole's story was reported by newspapers worldwide,
including WWN. "HCE is an extremely rare physical imbalance," said
Dr. Anatoly Martinenko, famed neurologist and expert on the human brain
who  did the autopsy on the brilliant chess expert. "It is a condition
in which the circuits of the brain become overloaded by the body's
own electricity. The explosions happen during periods of
intense mental activity when lots of current is surging through the
brain.

Victims are highly intelligent people with great powers of
concentration. Both Miss Nicole and Mr. Titov were intense
people who tended to keep those cerebral circuits  overloaded. In a
way it could be said they were literally too smart for their own good."

Although Dr. Martinenko says there are probably many undiagnosed cases,
he hastens to add that very few people will die from HCE. "Most
people who have it will never know. At this point, medical
science still doesn't know much about HCE. And since fatalities are
so rare it will probably be years before research money becomes
available."

      In the meantime, the doctor urges people to take it easy and
not think  too hard for long periods of time. "Take frequent
relaxation breaks when you're doing things that take lots of mental
focus," he recommends.

  Although HCE is very rare, it can kill. Dr. Martinenko says
knowingyou have the condition can greatly improve your odds of
surviving it.

A "yes" answer to any three of the following seven questions
could mean that you have HCE:

1.  Does your head sometimes ache when you think too hard?
    Head pain can indicate overloaded brain circuits.)
2.  Do you ever hear a faint ringing or humming sound in your
    ears? (It could be the sound of electricity in the skull cavity.)
3.  Do you sometimes find yourself unable to get a thought out
    of your head? (This is a possible sign of too much electrical
    activity in the cerebral cortex.)
4.  Do you spend more than five hours a day reading, balancing
    your check book, or other thoughtful activity? (A common symptom of
    HCE is  a tendency to over-use the brain.)
5.  When you get angry or frustrated do you feel pressure in
    your temples? (Friends of people who died of HCE say the victims
    often complained of head pressure in times of strong emotion.)
6.  Do you ever overeat on ice cream, doughnuts and other
    sweets? (Acraving for sugar is typical of people with too much
    electrical pressure in the cranium.)
7.  Do you tend to analyze yourself too much? (HCE suffers)

------------------------------

End of HUMOR Digest - 29 Apr 1998 to 30 Apr 1998
************************************************

