HUMOR Digest - 28 Apr 1998 to 29 Apr 1998
There are 14 messages totalling 384 lines in this issue.

Topics of the day:

  1. Mrs JimJr: Chef at Large
  2. Survival/Wedding Tradition (not off.)
  3. In court <off to judges?>
  4. isn't research grand?  :)
  5. Nature As The Example <risque>
  6. The White House Voice Mail (fwd)
  7. dog in heat
  8. The difference between men and women in one paragraph
  9. HUMOR: Sexually suggestive
 10. a small world [adult]
 11. New potency drug
 12. Puns: Split Personality & The Hunters
 13. Surd-Times : Milkha Singh <clean>
 14. Skeptical comments and questions about contemporary life

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Date:    Tue, 28 Apr 1998 03:12:24 -0400
From:    Jim Moore Jr <jimjr@QIS.NET>
Subject: Mrs JimJr: Chef at Large

* Mrs JimJr is kind of an old-fashioned cook.  In fact, to this
  very day, she still makes radio dinners.
                                - - - - -

* Some of her miscues come in handy though.  The other morning I
  was able to patch a tire on the tractor with one of her pancakes.
                                - - - - -

* Every nite, Mrs JimJr calls me to dinner exactly the same way:
  "Dinner's on the table -- come and guess it."
                                - - - - -

* I love steaks, the T-Bone steaks she fixes aren't bad at all.
  Well... once you put tenderizer on the gravy.
                                - - - - -

* I gotta admit though her coffee is good and strong.
  Of course, I have to use two hands to dunk my doughnuts.
                                - - - - -

* I can always tell when we're having salads for dinner.
  None of the smoke alarms in the house are going off.
                                - - - - -

* And she comes up with some interesting meals too.
  The other day for breakfast, we had marinated cornflakes.
                                - - - - -

* To say that her cooking is an nightly adventure is putting
  it mildly.  I mean how many of the rest of you have ever
  seen a microwave grease fire ?
                                - - - - -

* Ever since she read that salmon is good for the heart, she
  serves it quite often.  Oddest damn thing though -- twice a
  year I have this strange urge to swim upstream and spawn.

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Date:    Tue, 28 Apr 1998 07:24:55 -0400
From:    Terry Galan <galante@MCMAIL.CIS.MCMASTER.CA>
Subject: Survival/Wedding Tradition (not off.)

 A Scout Master was teaching his boy scouts about survival in the desert.
 "What are the three most important things you should bring with you in
 case you get lost in the desert?" he asked. Several hands went up, and
 many important things were suggested such as food, matches, etc. Then
 one little boy in the back eagerly raised his hand. "Yes Timmy, what are
 the three most important things you would bring with you?" asked the
 Scout Master. Timmy replied: "A compass, a canteen of water, and a deck
 of cards."
 "Why's that Timmy?"
 "Well," answered Timmy, "the compass is to find the right direction, the
 water is to prevent dehydration..."
 "And what about the deck of cards?" asked the Scout Master impatiently.
 "Well, Sir, as soon as you start playing Solitaire, someone is bound to
 come up behind you and say, "Put that red nine on top of that black ten!"
			***************************

 Attending a wedding for the first time, a little girl whispered to her
 mother, "Why is the bride dressed in white?"
 "Because white is the color of happiness, and today is the happiest day
 of her life," her mother tried to explain, keeping it simple. The child
 thought about this for a moment, then said, "So why's the groom wearing
 black!!!???"

------------------------------

Date:    Tue, 28 Apr 1998 13:43:12 +0200
From:    Maurizio Mariotti <mariotti@IAFRICA.COM>
Subject: In court <off to judges?>

At the height of a political corruption trial, the prosecuting
attorney attacked a witness. "Isn't it true," he bellowed, "that
you accepted five thousand dollars to compromise this case?" The
witness stared out the window, as though he hadn't hear the question.

"Isn't it true that you accepted five thousand dollars to compromise
this case?" the lawyer repeated. The witness still did not respond.

Finally, the judge leaned over and said, "Sir, please answer the
question."

"Oh," the startled witness said, "I thought he was talking to YOU."

------------------------------

Date:    Tue, 28 Apr 1998 08:20:18 -0400
From:    "Musat, Bob" <Bob.Musat@TRI-C.CC.OH.US>
Subject: isn't research grand?  :)

here's an anonymous survey about sexual habits online.

http://www.msnbc.com/modules/surveys/sexsurvey2.asp

while not strictly a humourous story or anecdote, i think that those of
you who are able to peruse the above addy will find it most amusing, indeed!

------------------------------

Date:    Tue, 28 Apr 1998 09:26:48 -0400
From:    Paul Benoit <Paul_Benoit@SPEEDLINE.COOKSON.COM>
Subject: Nature As The Example <risque>

A newly married couple was walking alone in their village,
along a winding country road. The husband had been trying
to figure out a way to approach his new wife for sex, since they
hadn't yet consummated their vows and the sexual tension
was beginning to be more than he could handle.
As they walked, they came across a cow and a bull engaged
in the act of reproduction.
The husband leaned over to his new bride and whispered in
her ear, "Darling, would you like me to do what the bull is doing?"
"Do what you want," she says, "but take care, since that is not
our cow."


(from Alli Burgos)

------------------------------

Date:    Tue, 28 Apr 1998 10:43:03 -0400
From:    Lee_Bradley <lbradley@GRITS.VALDOSTA.PEACHNET.EDU>
Subject: The White House Voice Mail (fwd)

I got this from a friend who got it from a friend who ...

White House Voice Mail (39 lines)

Thank you for calling the White House. You have reached the White House
voice mail system. No one is available to take your call at this time
because the entire administration is out to lunch. Please follow these
instructions carefully to leave your message. When you are finished, don't
hang up until the FBI finishes tracing the call.  Have a nice day.

If you are male and have a message for the president, press 9.
If your are female and would like to leave a message for the
president, press M-O-T-E-L-6.
To leave a message for Mrs. Clinton, press N-O-W.
If you are male and would like to leave a message for Chelsea,
press N-O-W-A-Y.
To leave a message for Buddy, press D-O-G.
To leave a message for Socks, press D-O-G-F-O-O-D.
To leave a message for Roger Clinton, press A-A.
To leave a message for Ted Kennedy, Press 7-A-N-D-7.
If you are from Arkansas, ask the next person who walks by to show you
which button has a 2 on in and then press it.
If you are calling with a question about affirmative action, press 3 and
step to the back of the phone booth.
If you are calling to arrange a night in the Lincoln bedroom, press
D-O-L-L-A-R.
If you are calling to arrange a White House coffee, pres Y-E-N.
If you are calling to support Hillary's birth control program,
press F-R-I-G-I-D.
If you are calling leave a message for Janet Reno, press W-A-C-O.
To leave a message for the president's advisor on womem's
rights, press O-J.
To leave a message for Steven Speilberg to give to Barney Frank, press
E.-T.-P-H-O-N-E-H-O-M-O.
To leave a message for a member of Congress, press B-I-G-D-O-N-O-T-H-I-N-G.
To leave a message for the Gore2000 campaign, press H-O-P-E-L-E-S-S.
Tospeak to an operator, press 0.
To speak to a slick operator, stay on the line and the president
will answer your call shortly.

------------------------------

Date:    Tue, 28 Apr 1998 14:23:06 -0400
From:    Gwendolyn E Eckman <geckman@POLARIS.UMUC.EDU>
Subject: dog in heat

Little girl asked her Mom, "Mom, may I take the dog for a walk around the
block?"

Mom says, "No, because the dog is in heat. " What's that mean?" asked the
child.

"Go ask your Father. I think he's in the garage".

Little girl goes to the garage and says, "Dad, can I take Susie for a walk
around the block. I asked Mom but she said the dog was in heat and that I
should ask you".

Dad said, "Bring Susie over here".  He took a rag, soaked it with
gasoline, and scrubbed the dog's butt with it and said, "Ok, you can go
now but keep Susie on the leash and only go one time around the block".

Little girl left and returned a few minutes later with no dog on the
leash.  Dad said, "Where's Susie?"

Little girl said, "Susie ran out of gas about halfway down the block and
there's another dog pushing her home."

------------------------------

Date:    Tue, 28 Apr 1998 15:33:08 EDT
From:    SueS7 <SueS7@AOL.COM>
Subject: The difference between men and women in one paragraph

A man is driving up a steep, narrow mountain road.   A
woman is driving the opposite way, down the same road.
As they pass each other the woman leans out the window
and yells: "PIG!!"  The man immediately leans out
his window and screams "BITCH."

They each continue on their way, and as the man rounds the next
corner he crashes into a huge pig that was trying to cross the road.


* "Laws to sweep back the tide never do work."
                           -- Robert Heinlein

------------------------------

Date:    Tue, 28 Apr 1998 16:21:39 -0600
From:    Les Pourciau at UMem <POURCIAU@LATTE.MEMPHIS.EDU>
Subject: HUMOR: Sexually suggestive

Bill Gates has decided to rename Windows 98 to Monica 98 because it
keeps going down.

------------------------------

Date:    Tue, 28 Apr 1998 23:48:20 +0200
From:    Theo Legters <tlegters@GLOBALXS.NL>
Subject: a small world [adult]

Yesterday a great turmoil in Disneyland, Paris. We wanted to visit
Snowwhite's house, but it seemed she had escaped. Cast members discovered
her in Pinokkio's place, where she was found sitting on his face, shouting
'Lie to me, boy, lie to me!'

[Omnis Permitent So Long Hilaere Est]

------------------------------

Date:    Wed, 29 Apr 1998 09:20:00 +0800
From:    Mike Robertshaw <mrobert@OUHK.EDU.HK>
Subject: New potency drug

My urologist tells me that there is one danger with the male "potency"
drug, Viagra.

If you don't swallow the pill very quickly, you get a stiff neck.

------------------------------

Date:    Tue, 28 Apr 1998 20:46:44 -0800
From:    Stan Kegel <kegel@FEA.NET>
Subject: Puns: Split Personality & The Hunters

In Medical School, we were required to rotate through Psychiatry and
spend a service at one of the local mental institutions. One of the most
interesting cases I saw involved a schizophrenic with a multiple
personality disorder. At times this person believed himself to be a
temptress in a Bizet opera. At other times he was convinced that he was
the head of the German Luftwaffe in World War II. The consensus of the
my instructors was that ... the fellow didn't know if he was Carmen or
Goerring.

------------------------------

Date:    Wed, 29 Apr 1998 09:42:15 -0400
From:    Chalapathi Rao Poduri <chaps@TC4HQ.CMC.STPH.NET>
Subject: Surd-Times : Milkha Singh <clean>

A NEW Twist to an old,old tale..

Milkha Singh was taking rest on a bench on the coast of SanFrancisco.(!)

A gentleman came and asked him "Are you relaxing ?"

"NO, I am Milkha Singh", was the anwer of Milkha Singh.

Then Milkha Singh went down the lane and saw a native sun-bathing
on the beach. Milkha Singh went to him and asked him

"Are you relaxing ?"

The native replied "Yes"

Milkha Singh "Someone was looking for you out there "

------------------------------

Date:    Wed, 29 Apr 1998 00:31:18 EST
From:    Bill Edwards <EDWARDS_BILL@COLSTATE.EDU>
Subject: Skeptical comments and questions about contemporary life

Selected from recent issues of the Vent,
www.accessatlanta.com/local/thevent

My son and I were eating breakfast and we noticed something very
scary. Why doesn't Captain Crunch have any teeth?

I work for the IRS. I won't ask you how much money you have left after
you pay your bills because I know you'd lie and try to keep someof it.
Send it all in!

I just got a post card from the UPS saying it could not deliver my
package because it did not have my complete address. On the front is
my complete address.

Does the Little Mermaid wear an algebra?

The No. 1 best thing about answering machines. Telemarketers don't
leave messages.

Ever wonder why the words enemy and enema are so similar?

If God didn't want us to eat animals he wouldn't have made them out of
meat.

If all the trailer parks keep getting blown away by tornadoes, Jerry
Springer won't have any guests left.

Does Sam Donaldson have hair or does he paint his head?

Isn't Disney World really just a people trap operated by a mouse?

I wonder what Paula Jones and Newt Gingrich talk about when they
have dinner.

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End of HUMOR Digest - 28 Apr 1998 to 29 Apr 1998
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