HUMOR Digest - 27 Apr 1998 to 28 Apr 1998
There are 11 messages totalling 523 lines in this issue.

Topics of the day:

  1. Education
  2. Signature lines <clean>
  3. Clothespin on Your Nose Dept.
  4. Merger Madness
  5. Chicken Quotes: Letterman
  6. Humor:adult..sexual..suggestive....
  7. Slick comments and questions about contemporary life
  8. Sister Mary & The Bet
  9. <HUMOUR> newspaper ad
 10. Proof Needed? <clean,off. to those flaming me;-)>
 11. Dear Paula (crude political humor)

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Date:    Mon, 27 Apr 1998 03:21:15 -0400
From:    Jim Moore Jr <jimjr@QIS.NET>
Subject: Education

* Oddly enuff, many a man acquires a huge vocabulary simply by
  marrying it.
                                - - - - -

* College graduates stand a very good chance of getting a job from
  someone who didn't go to college at all.
                                - - - - -

* These days, for every student who shows a spark of intelligence,
  there are ten more with ignition trouble.
                                - - - - -

* Think how lucky the kids studying history in the US are, compared
  to some of the other countries.  Kids in this country only have to
  learn the date of one revolution.
                                - - - - -

*   After my daughter Sandy had successfully graduated from college
  she asked me if I thought she would ever get a chance to put into
  practice everything she'd learned.
    Didn't take me a second to reply, "I certainly hope not Sandy...
  I certainly hope not !"
                                - - - - -

*   An immigrant came to the US and was unable to find work.  A local
  Parish Priest mercifully let him act as the Church's Beadle. It
  wasn't long before it was discovered the man could neither read nor
  write, and he was fired.
    He got a job in a grocery store, worked hard, saved his money and
  eventually opened-up his own store.  As the years went by, he added
  store by store until he became a millionaire.
    Being interviewed, the reporter was amazed that the man could not
  read or write to that day.  He said, "Think where you would be today
  if you could read and write."
    The old man replied, "Yeah.  I'd be a minor official in a local
  Catholic Church."

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Date:    Mon, 27 Apr 1998 12:44:21 +0200
From:    Maurizio Mariotti <mariotti@IAFRICA.COM>
Subject: Signature lines <clean>

A choice of signature lines I came across in various lists I
subscribe to:

* Even if you've been fishing for 3 hours and haven't gotten
anything except poison ivy and a sunburn, you're still better
off than the worm.

* Sincerity is the key to success. Once you can fake that, you've got it
made.

* People are so upset about cloning because it means that women no
longer need for anything.

* "No! Do, or do not. There is no -try-." -- Yoda
"Oh shut up, you ugly little troll, you are spoiling my concentration!"
-- Luke

* I don't suppose it's going to rain?  - Joan of Arc

* "Before you criticize someone, walk a mile in his shoes.
  That way, if he gets angry, he'll be a mile away   - and barefoot."

* I am a figment of my imagination.

------------------------------

Date:    Mon, 27 Apr 1998 07:28:18 -0400
From:    Terry Galan <galante@MCMAIL.CIS.MCMASTER.CA>
Subject: Clothespin on Your Nose Dept.

               THE 8 WORST CONVENIENCE FOODS ON EARTH

 8. Meeter's Kraut Juice (Stokely USA):

 Yes, that's sauerkraut juice, which is even worse than it sounds. The
 taste and smell can be a bit, well, harsh, but KJ is reputed by its fans
 to have certain medicinal benefits (as a source of vitamin C, cure for
 intestinal bugs, etc.), which adds up to a classic case of the cure being
 worse than the disease.

 7. Guycan Corned Mutton with Juices Added (Bedessee Imports):

 The best thing about this Uruguayan canned good is the very pouty-looking
 sheep on the package label -- he seems to be saying, "Go on, eat me
 already." The second-best thing is the presence of both "cooked mutton"
 and "mutton" in the ingredients listing, which would seem to have all the
 mutton bases covered.

 6. Armour Pork Brains in Milk Gravy (Dial Corp.):

 If you're really looking to clog up those arteries in a hurry, you'll be
 pleased to learn that a single serving of pork brains has 1,170 percent
 of our recommended daily cholesterol intake. All the more ingenious,
 then, that he label on this product helpfully features a recipe for
 brains and scrambled eggs.

 5. Sweet Sue Canned Whole Chicken (Sweet Sue Kitchens, Inc.):

 From its size (think growth-impaired Cornish hen) to its overall
 appearance (it's stewed in a quivering mass of aspic goop), this product
 may change forever your idea of what constitutes a chicken. Gives new
 meaning to the old line about meat "falling off the  bone."

 4. Musk Life Savers (Nestle Confectionery):

 You may think musk is a scent, but over in Australia, they think it's a
 candy flavor. A candy flavor that tastes disturbingly like raw meat,to be
 precise. But what did you expect from a country where eveyone happily
 consumes Vegemite?

 3. Blind Robins Smoked Ocean Herring (recently discontinued by Bar Food
                                       Products):

 Possibly the world's most bizarre prepackaged tavern snack.
 Interestingly, the product's titular robin isn't actually blind, he's
 blindfolded -- the better, presumably, to avoid looking at these heavily
 salted herring strips, which look like giant slugs.

 2. Kylmaenen Reindeer Pate` (Kylmaenen Oy):

 This Finnish canned good may not be particulary tasty, but at least it
 answers the age-old question of why Rudolph was so eager for that safe,
 steady job on Santa's sleigh team -- he didn't want to end up as cracker
 spread.

 1. Tengu Clam Jerky (Tengu Co.):

 Nothing you've ever consumed can prepare you for the horror that is clam
 jerky. Still, this product does score a sort of conceptual coup: If
 you're the sort who's always found raw clams too slimy and gelatinous for
 your taste, these dried, shriveled mollusks will help you dislike clams
 on a whole new level.

------------------------------

Date:    Mon, 27 Apr 1998 09:43:30 -0400
From:    Paul Benoit <Paul_Benoit@SPEEDLINE.COOKSON.COM>
Subject: Merger Madness

CONCORD, N.H., May 14 (Reuters)
Continuing the wave of consolidation that saw Alabama, Mississippi
and Georgia join to form Nationsouth, Vermont and New Hampshire
signed a deal today that will combine the two into one state with the
motto "Live Free or Whatever."
The deal involves a stock swap in which cows from Vermont and
chickens from New Hampshire will be exchanged 1-for-1.
     		+-+-+-+-+-+-+-+-+-+-+-+-+-+-+-+-+

BANGOR, Me., Aug. 22 (Bloomberg)
Stephen King announced today that he had acquired Joyce Carol
Oates in a deal that will allow him to increase production by as much
as 125 percent, boosting his output to at least one novel a month.
The new author, who will do business as Stephen, Joyce, King, Carol
and Oates, will be one of the most violent and critically acclaimed
novelists working today. Though Mr. King sells more books than Ms.
Oates, analysts say the acquisition of the respected writer will help
him make inroads into new markets, like college literature classes.
"It's a win-win situation," Mr. King said in an exclusive interview with
The New York Daily Newsday Times. "Joyce has the prestige I've
been looking for and is one of the few writers who can keep up with
my production schedule."
An earlier deal in which Mr. King had hoped to buy Upjohn Inc.
fell  through when Mr. King was informed that the company was
not John Updike.

------------------------------

Date:    Sun, 26 Apr 1998 23:38:25 -0800
From:    Stan Kegel <kegel@FEA.NET>
Subject: Chicken Quotes: Letterman

Disclaimer: This list is not authentic and any resemblance
to a real top 10 list by David Letterman is purely intentional
and not co-incidental.

The Ten Top Reasons The Chicken Crossed The Road:

10. She was no longer a spring chicken

9. To avoid Col. Saunders.

8. To meet a fine feathered friend.

7. She was going to a hen party.

6. There was a fowl smell present.

5. To go to mass, he was a fryer.

4. To visit a duck who was a little down in the mouth.

3. The radio announced there was a foul ball in Yankee Stadium.

2. One word, fricassee!

	And the number one reason the chicken crossed the road:

1. He heard Disney was casting for its new cartoon version of
   Kafka's "The Metamorphosis."

------------------------------

Date:    Mon, 27 Apr 1998 15:07:23 EST
From:    JD STONE <jstone@EMH1.LEAD.ARMY.MIL>
Subject: Humor:adult..sexual..suggestive....

 The P-Files
 -----------
 Actual amount of semen per ejaculation: 1-2 teaspoons

 Average number of times a man will ejaculate in his lifetime: 7,200
 Average number of times he will ejaculate from masturbation: 2,000
 Average total amount of lifetime ejaculate: 14 gallons Average
 amount of water it takes to fill a bathtub: 35   gallons

 Average speed of ejaculation: 28 miles per hour

 Average speed of a city bus: 25 miles per hour

 Average # of calories in a teaspoon of semen: 7

 Average # of calories in a can of Dr. Pepper:   150

 Average length of penis when not erect: 3.5 inches

 Average length when erect: 5.1

 Smallest natural penis recorded: 5/8 of an inch

 largest natural penis recorded: 11 inches

 Largest penis in the animal kingdom: 11 feet (blue whale)

 Height from court floor to the rim of a basketball hoop: 10 feet

 Most arousing time of day/season for a man: early morning/fall

 Best ways to improve sexual function: quit smoking, start
 excercising, lose weight.

 Foods that improve sex life: oysters, lean meat, seafood, whole
 grains, wheat germ, chicken fingers from Erie dining hall

 Percent of men who say they masturbate:   60%

 Percent of men who say they masturbate at least once a day:   54%

 Percent of men who say they feel guilty masturbating that often: 41%

 Amount of time needed for a man to regain erection: from 2 min to 2 weeks

 Average # of erections per day for a man: 11

 Average # of erections during the night: 9

 Distance sperm travels to fertilize an egg: 3-4 inches

 The human equvalent: 26 miles (a marathon distance)

 Time it takes the sperm: 2.5 seconds

 Time it takes an average person to complete a marathon: 4 hours

 Sperm life: 2 1/2 months (from development to ejaculation)

 Shelf life of a hostess twinkie: 7 years

 Cost of a year's supply of condoms: $100

 Thickness of the average condom: .07 mm

 Thickness of super-thin condoms: .05   mm

 Thickness of plastic wrap: .0127 mm

 # of times condoms are thicker that plastic wrap: almost 6

 In general, the taste of a man's  semen varies with his diet.  Some
 say that the alkaline-based foods (fish and some meats) produce a
 buttery or fishy taste.  Dairy products can create a foul taste; the
 taste of semen after eating asparagus is said to be the foulest.
 ACIDIC FRUITS AND ALCOHOL (EXCEPT PROCESSED LIQUORS) GIVE IT A
 PLEASANT AND SUGARY   TASTE. Examples: oranges, mangos, kiwi,
 lemons, grapefruit, limes, Labatt Blue, Honey BRown, etc. (drinking
 a Corona with lime is double the fun)

 Odors that increase blood flow to the penis: lavender, licorice,
 chocolate, doughnuts, pumpkin pie (happy thanksgiving!)

 Yes, the penis does shrink in the shower

 It is common for men to wake up with 'moring wood', a name for an
 a.m. erection

 Blue balls, or the term a man uses when he says his balls will
 explode if he doesn't have sex, is totally false.

------------------------------

Date:    Mon, 27 Apr 1998 18:35:53 EST
From:    Bill Edwards <EDWARDS_BILL@COLSTATE.EDU>
Subject: Slick comments and questions about contemporary life

There is an internet domain for the clueless: .gov!

Why would anyone get into politics? Easy -- money for nohtin' and
your chicks for free.

Does anyone besides me find it rude and disgusting when you out at a
restuarant and the man next to your table blows his nose in his
napkin? Obviously, he didn't go to a good private school.

You know, if we had a female president, none of this would be
happening.

What are the chances that Hillary Clinton will get the Democratic
nomination in 2000?

Hurrah! Baseball is back. Now I can throw away my sleeping pills.

Let me settle this once and for all NASCAR is a sport. Everything
else is just a game.

Talk Radio: If you have something on your mind, call in and get it
off your chest.

What's the difference beween Jerry Spring and Kenneth Starr? Once's a
guy who gets his jollies exposing the sexual transgressions of
hillbillies, and the other one is a talk show host.

What scares me most about the concept of Good Old Days is that
someday, these will be the Good Old Days.

Most of these items were selected from:
http://www.accessatlanta.com/local/thevent

------------------------------

Date:    Mon, 27 Apr 1998 17:28:00 -0600
From:    Randall Woodman <randall.woodman@LUNATIC.COM>
Subject: Sister Mary & The Bet

>Sent From: Judy Lococo

Sister Mary burst into the office of the principal of Our Lady
of Perpetual Motion parochial school in an advanced state
of agitation.

"Father!" she cried, "just WAIT until you hear this!"

The priest led the sister to a chair, and said, " Now just calm
down and tell me what has you so excited?"

"Well, Father" the nun began, "I was just walking down the
hall to the chapel and I heard some of the older boys
wagering money!"

"A serious infraction, indeed!" said the priest.

"But that's not what has me so excited, father" replied the
nun, " it was WHAT they were wagering ON! They had
wagered on a contest to see who could urinate the
highest on the wall!!"

"What an incredible wager!" exclaimed the priest,

"What did you do?"

"Well, I hit the CEILING, father."

"How much did you win?"


---
A royal Egyptian passing gas is a toot uncommon.

------------------------------

Date:    Tue, 28 Apr 1998 09:10:32 +0800
From:    Mike Robertshaw <mrobert@OUHK.EDU.HK>
Subject: <HUMOUR> newspaper ad

"Personal" ad in local paper: David G. Contact me soon! Bring three
rings: Engagement, wedding and teething. Have news. Debbie.

------------------------------

Date:    Tue, 28 Apr 1998 09:28:47 -0400
From:    Chalapathi Rao Poduri <chaps@TC4HQ.CMC.STPH.NET>
Subject: Proof Needed? <clean,off. to those flaming me;-)>

A quiet little man was brought before a judge. The judge looked
down at the man and then at the charges and then down at the little
man in amazement.

"Can you tell me in your own words what happened?" he asked the man.
"I'm a mathematician dealing in the laws of nature."

"Yes, go on," said the astounded judge.

"Well, I was at the library and I found the books I wanted and
went to take them out.  They told me my library card had expired
and I had to get a new one.  So I went to the registration office
and got in another line.  And filled out my forms for another card.
And I got back in line for my card."

"And?" said the judge.

"And he asked 'Can you prove you're from New York City?'

....So I stabbed him."

------------------------------

Date:    Tue, 28 Apr 1998 01:14:12 -0400
From:    George Hughes <hughie@MINDSPRING.COM>
Subject: Dear Paula (crude political humor)

(Fan mail for Paula Corbin Jones)

Dear Paula,

You are one tacky broad. I just love you. You upstaged the president at
that big Washington banquet. I thought it was so nice of the Washington
Times people to invite you. Surely they paid for your transportation,
hotel, clothes, and security. Your husband looked at bit uncomfortable in
his tux. Our local formal wear shop has a country boy tux with a bib front
and a fancy union undershirt instead of a fancy dress shirt. If you take
him along to any more of these functions, consider the country boy tux.

Well anyway, I'm so proud of you. You must have one brilliant set of
lawyers. They probably need a psychiatrist more than you do. After all the
trauma you have been through with that bad boy Bill, you had the guts to go
to dinner with him. I don't blame you for turning your back when he gave
his stupid after-dinner speech. One reporter said you laughed at some of
bubba's jokes, but I think you were crying hysterically. Male journalists
have no sensitivity, especially those from the Post and NY Times.

I understand you were chewing green gum, but I know it was chewing tobacco.
Those stupid city slickers don't understand people from Arkansas. Hey,
chewing the leaf will get you extra money from your Virginia-North Carolina
tobacco sponsors. You ought to ask an advertising agent to get you a job
modeling how to chew. Did you wear a Mimie Pearl straw hat, too? I read you
exposed your ample breasts. Daisy Mae would have been proud of you. Are you
trying to tease those bad boys?

You should consider a career as a special guest. Work up good routine and
the Congressional Republicans will hire you to follow Clinton around. That
would teach him to keep his pants zipped up.

Dump that wimpy husband. With all the money you can make, you can pay him
alimony to stay home with the children. He looks like the type guy who
would like to watch sports 24 hours a day=96NASCAR, wrestling, the Braves,
Dallas Cowboys. Replace him with a big black escort. That would pissoff
those liberal rich Democrats and reduce your need for security.

Gotta go to bed now. Keep up the act! I hope you make a ton of money. I
would have five dollars, but I'd already sealed the letter before I thought
of it.

Love ya, Molly McGhee
Sunnydale, Kansas

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End of HUMOR Digest - 27 Apr 1998 to 28 Apr 1998
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