HUMOR Digest - 26 Apr 1998 to 27 Apr 1998
There are 7 messages totalling 505 lines in this issue.

Topics of the day:

  1. Weekly Traffic Report
  2. Fishing Trip (pun)
  3. Advice for Yankees
  4. Signature Lines <f-word>
  5. Dear Paula <political satire, sexually suggestive>
  6. Blondes! <adult?>
  7. Puns

----------------------------------------------------------------------

Date:    Sun, 26 Apr 1998 03:05:02 -0400
From:    Jim Moore Jr <jimjr@QIS.NET>
Subject: Weekly Traffic Report

Good Morning y'all, here I am with this week's Traffic Report.
This is the Weekly Traffic Report that is sent to all of the
HumorList subscribers once a month.

There are only a few days left in April, which was our "Every
Member Get A Member" month.  While it is true we obtained
360 new subscribers so far, you can notice from the numbers
below that our totals are still over 2,000 less than this
same time last year.

I'd like to ask each of you, who have not done so yet, to sign
up a new member this week.

                                          JimJr
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -

             Traffic Report for HUMOR, 19 April - 25 April

                      (Number of articles posted each day)
                     Last   3 Weeks  2 Weeks   1 Week    Past
Date   Day           Year     Back     Back     Back     Week

 19  Sunday           12        7        8        5       11
 20  Monday           22       10       10        5        7
 21  Tuesday          18        5       10        8        7
 22  Wednesday        11       11       11       14       14
 23  Thursday         15       16       11       12       13
 24  Friday           13        7       13        9       15
 25  Saturday         10        3        7        6        5

   (Average)          14        8       10        8       10

Subscriptions     10,668    8,190    8,293    8,331    8,448
Countries            100      107      106      106      106
Contributors         835      671      695      691      661

These are based on addresses registered to our listserver. It does
not include addresses which receive HUMOR via local bulletin boards,
area distribution lists, etc.  These numbers include both concealed
and non-concealed subscribers.

       The HumorList is sent daily to the following countries:

Argentina, Australia, Austria, Bahrain, Bangladesh, Belarus, Belgium,
Belize, Bermuda, Bolivia, Botswana, Brazil, Brunei, Bulgaria, Canada,
Chile,  China, Colombia, Cook Islands, Costa Rica, Croatia, Cuba,
Cyprus, Czech Republic, Denmark, Dominican Republic, Ecuador, Egypt,
El Salvador, England, Estonia, Federal Republic of Yugoslavia, Fiji,
Finland, France, Georgia, Germany, Greece, Guam, Guatemala, Hong Kong,
Hungary, Iceland, India, Indonesia, Iran, Ireland, Israel, Italy,
Jamaica, Japan, Jordan, Kazakhstan, Kenya, Korea, Kuwait, Latvia,
Lebanon,  Lithuania,  Luxembourg,  Macedonia,  Malaysia,  Malta,
Mauritius, Mexico, Moldova, Morocco, Mozambique, Namibia, Netherlands,
New Zealand, Northern Ireland,  Norway, Pakistan, Peru, Philippines,
Poland,  Portugal,  Qatar, Romania,  Russia, Saudi Arabia, Scotland,
Singapore,  Slovakia,  Slovenia,  South Africa,  Spain,  Sri Lanka,
Suriname, Sweden, Switzerland, Taiwan, Thailand, Trinidad and Tobago,
Turkey, Uganda, Ukraine, United Arab Emirates, Uruguay, USA, Venezuela,
Wales, Zambia, Zimbabwe

Total countries: 106

           Email me if your country is not listed here.
= = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = =
HUMOR GOALS

A daily average of 10-20 examples of humor
A diversity of humor: sources, forms, subjects
Freedom of expression for contributors
Protection of sensitivities for readers (heading warning requirement)


HUMOR CONTRIBUTOR RULES (brief version)

Subject line should disclose the subject of the humor
Subject line should include warning if potentially offensive

One contribution per day

Only substantial examples of verbal humor should be posted
Discussion, requests, and criticisms are not to be posted
No personal attacks, apologies, reactions or retractions

Articles should normally be shorter than 25 lines (99 lines max)
Conserve bandwidth: Avoid blank lines; No ASCII art or sig file

A contributor who violates the rules may be suspended

= = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = =
Send an e-mail to:  listserv@listserv.uga.edu
leave the subject area blank;
in the BODY of the letter, type:

   SUB HUMOR yourfirstname yourlastname      subscribe
   GET HUMOR GUIDE                           become a contributor
   QUERY HUMOR                               check your settings
   SIGNOFF HUMOR                             leave the list
   SIGNOFF HUMOR-P                           leave contributor's list
= = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = =
To verify current addresses, our server randomly selects subscribers
and sends an e-mail which you may be asked to respond to in order to
renew/continue your subscription.

Errors returned from your Server to our ListServer may cause your
name to be dropped from the list.

If you feel, at any time, that you have been dropped from the list,
or have stopped receiving mail from the ListServer, simply resubscribe.
You will not receive duplicate mailings to the same address; if you
are already subscribed, the ListServer will verify that.

= = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = =
If you have any questions, please email me at jimjr@qis.net ("QIS.NET")

And now for a contribution of humor:

   Like most married couples, Mrs JimJr and I have had our disagreements.
Tired of the "cold shoulder" after a few days, I put on my best contrite
puppy dog look and said, "I'm sorry hon.  I've been thinking it over and
decided that you were totally right and I was wrong."
   "You're too late !"  she snapped.  "I've changed my mind !!!"

                Jim Moore Jr;  HumorList Traffic Reporter
                           jimjr@qis.net

------------------------------

Date:    Sun, 26 Apr 1998 11:24:00 -0600
From:    Randall Woodman <randall.woodman@LUNATIC.COM>
Subject: Fishing Trip (pun)

One day many years ago, a fisherman's wife blessed her husband with
twin sons.  They loved the children very much, but couldn't think of
what to name their children.  Finally, after several days, the fisherman
said, "Let's not decide on names right now.  If we wait a little while,
the names will simply occur to us."
After several weeks had passed, the fisherman and his wife noticed
a peculiar fact.  When left alone, one of the boys would also turn
towards the sea, while the other boy would face inland.  It didn't
matter which way the parents positioned the children, the same child
always faced the same direction.  "Let's call the boys Towards and
Away," suggested the fisherman.  His wife agreed, and from that point
on, the boys were simply known as Towards and Away.
The years passed and the lads grew tall and strong.  The day came
when the aging fisherman said to his sons, "Boys, it is time that
learned how to make a living from the sea."  They provisioned their
ship, said their goodbyes, and set sail for a three month voyage.
The three months passed quickly for the fisherman's wife, yet the
ship had not returned.  Another three months passed, and still no ship.
Three whole years passed before the greiving woman saw a lone man
walking towards her house.  She recognized him as her husband.
"My goodness!  What has happened to my darling boys?" she cried.
The ragged fisherman began to tell his story: "We were just barely
one whole day out to see when Towards hooked into a great fish.  Towards
fought long and hard, but the fish was more than his equal.  For a whole
week they wrestled upon the waves without either of them letting up.
Yet eventually the great fish started to win the battle, and Towards was
pulled over the side of our ship.  He was swallowed whole, and we never
saw either of them again."
"Oh dear, that must have been terrible!  What a huge fish that must
of been!"
"Yes, it was, but you should have seen the one that got Away...."


---
Never encourage Politicians, Fools, or Punsters!

------------------------------

Date:    Sun, 26 Apr 1998 17:32:11 -0600
From:    Les Pourciau at UMem <POURCIAU@LATTE.MEMPHIS.EDU>
Subject: Advice for Yankees

 These instructions have proven useful for persons from the Northern
 region of the United States who are are visiting or relocating to the
 Southern regions of the country.

 1) Save all manner of bacon grease.  You will be instructed later how to
 use it.

 2) If you forget a Southerner's name, refer to him (or her) as  "Bubba".
 You have a 75% chance of being right.

 3) Just because you can drive on snow and ice does not mean we can.
 Stay home the two days of the year it snows.

 4) If you do run your car into a ditch, don't panic. Four men in the cab
 of a four wheel drive with a 12-pack of beer and a tow chain will be
 along shortly. Don't try to help them. Just stay out of their way. This
 is what they live for.

 5) Don't be surprised to find movie rentals and bait in the same store.

 6) Do not buy food at the movie store.

 7) If it can't be fried in bacon grease, it ain't worth cooking, let
 alone eating.

 8) Remember:"Y'all" is singular. "All y'all" is plural. "All y'all's" is
 plural possessive.

 9) There is nothing sillier than a Northerner imitating a southern
 accent, unless it is a southerner imitating a Boston accent.

 10. Get used to hearing, "You ain't from around here, are you?"

 11) People walk slower here.

 12) Don't be worried that you don't understand anyone.
 They don't understand you either.

 13) The first Southern expression to creep into a transplanted
 Northerner's  vocabulary is the adjective "Big ol'", as in "big ol'
 truck" or "big ol' boy." Eighty-five percent begin their new southern
 influenced dialect with this expression. One hundred percent are in denial
 about it.

 14) The proper pronunciation you learned in school is no longer proper.

 15.  Be advised:  The "He needed killin'" defense is valid here.

 16.  If attending a funeral in the South, remember, we stay until the
 last shovel  of dirt is thrown on and the tent is torn down.

 17) If you hear a Southerner exclaim, "Hey, y'all, watch this!" stay out
 of his way.   These are likely the last words he will ever say.

 18) Most Southerners do not use turn signals, and they ignore those who
 do. In fact, if you see a signal blinking on a car with a southern
 license plate, you may rest assured that it was on when the car was purchased.

 19) Northerners can be identified by the spit on the inside of their
 car's windshield that comes from yelling at other drivers.

 20) The winter wardrobe you always brought out in September can wait
 until November.

 22) If there is the prediction of the slightest chance of even the most
 minuscule  accumulation of snow, your presence is required at the local
 grocery store.  It does not matter if you need anything from the store,
 it is just something you're supposed to do.

 23) Satellite dishes are very popular in the South.  When you purchase
 one  it is to be positioned directly in front of your trailer.This is
 logical bearing in mind that the dish cost considerably more than the
 trailer and should, therefore, be displayed.

 24) Tornadoes and Southerners going through a divorce have a lot in
 common.  In either case, you know someone is going to lose a trailer.

 25) Florida is not considered a southern state.  There are far more
 Yankees than Southerners living there.

 26) In southern churches you will hear the hymn, "All Glory, Laud and
 Honor".   You will also here expressions such as, "Laud, have mercy,"
 "Good Laud," and "Laudy, Laudy, Laudy."

 27) As you are cursing the person driving 15 mph in a 55 mph zone,
 directly in  the middle of the road, remember, many folks learned to
 drive on a model of vehicle known as John Deere, and this is the proper
 speed and lane position for the vehicle.

 28) You can ask a Southerner for directions, but unless you already know
 the positions of key hills, trees and rocks, you're better off trying to
 find it yourself.

------------------------------

Date:    Sun, 26 Apr 1998 21:02:28 EDT
From:    SueS7 <SueS7@AOL.COM>
Subject: Signature Lines <f-word>

I've wondered for some time if my posts were, well you know, lacking
something.  I mean, I try to find something that is funny and not already seen
on HUMOR, but something always seems to be missing.  Then one day <BAM> it hit
me:  every day I receive the HUMOR List automatically downloaded to my hard
drive, and every day there are - on average - an extra 10-100 lines that have
nothing to do with the actual posts cluttering up my hard drive.  You know
those extra 2-25 lines at the end of the post:  the signature lines.  And
being an American, I suppose I feel compelled to "do as you are done by" and
"keep up with the Jones" so I suddenly felt naked.  My God, I've been posting
for almost 2 years, WITHOUT SIGNATURE LINES.

And so, the pressure is on, I gotta get myself a couple 'o signature lines.
Hmm, but what to say?  I can say truthfully and proudly, that I have never
been to nerdnosh, the lunatic fringe, or any advertised "virtual campfire"
(what is that, a bunch of people who boldly burn their computer manuals?).  I
have ventured into some of the home page/web sites advertised in the other
posters signature lines and there was only one that made an impression on me
and that was Anne Watters's home page.  Seriously, go to her home page some
time then sit back, thank the deity of your choice, and marvel at her every-
day courage.

So back to my dilemma.  The signature lines seem to fall into categories:
advertising a home page, or advertising a web site, or some "clever" saying.
Hmmm, advertising!  I don't have a home page.  If I'm going to advertise, I
might as well get paid for it...now there's an interesting possibility:

Sue Sevin                   Sue Sevin                   Sue Sevin
Your ad here!               My laughs are               Turn yucks
Only $15 per day	    your business!		into bucks
I'm PMSing, let
me write your
flames!!

Perhaps later, but not the first time out.  How about the clever saying
category, I can be at least as clever as the next guy (provided the next guy
is Dan Quayle).  Some of the virtually clever people quote other people.  How
hard can that be?  I read a couple dozen books a year, one or two should be
good for a one liner.  Maybe it could be a contest where you have to guess the
author of the quote.  But what could I give away?  Free advertising, maybe?
What should I quote?  Song lyrics?  Fiction?  Non-fiction?  Politicians?  Do I
have to pay the author for using his/her material.  Lets try a couple:
"Mulder!" -- Scully (too obvious), "Four score and seven years ago..."  Abe
Lincoln (too deep for everyday use?),  "Fuck you" -- George Carlin (then I've
got to warn people every day for language).  Too many quotes, too little
time....maybe I could just use my signature lines to say what I really think
abut HUMOR:

SS                          SS                           SS
One more                And I'm not                  If you don't
My hair is blonde       going to your	              read posts,
chicken joke            @#%* home page		    don't contribute
and I'll........                                    stupid, alright?!!!

I don't know, they all seem too angry.  Chalapathi really has the best
signature lines, a jest on the whole signature line business, while still
cluttering my hard drive.  Well, I know the suspense is killing you so I've
narrowed it down to a couple, but since you've been so kind as to hear me out,
I'll give them all to you at once:

            SS                                        SS
"Joy shared is multiplied                       Don't put me on
 pain shared is divided."                         your fucking
 -- Spider Robinson                               mailing lists!

             SS                                               SS
"Between kindness and honesty,                    "And I'm not ashamed to say
 I choose kindness every time,                         the wild boys were my
 giving or receiving."   			              friends"	
                -Robert Heinlein                                 --Billy Joel
------------------------------

Date:    Sun, 26 Apr 1998 21:27:04 -0400
From:    George Hughes <hughie@MINDSPRING.COM>
Subject: Dear Paula <political satire, sexually suggestive>

(Fan mail for Paula Corbin Jones)

Dear Paula,

I'm a founding member of the Merryville Republican Sewing Circle. There are
about thirty of the sweetest little ladies in the group. We meet once a
week, usually at the Merryville Senior Recreational Center. Needless to say
we don't talk about politics or sewing. We talk about our children,
grandchildren, but most of our gab is about nasty stuff. We have a good time.

Sweet Paula, our hearts went out to you when that mean judge threw you
lawsuit out of the Little Rock federal court house. Honey, we were on pins
and needles waiting to hear your description of Billie Bob's slick dick. We
are so afraid that a full description will never be heard. Now, honey,
don't you let that lady judge stop you. You should write a best-selling
book and it will be a best-selling book if you give us the wicked details.
Why even my black maid, and you know she is a Democrat, said she would buy
your book if you told us more about Bill Clinton than a society lady should
know.

We have been debating what "distinguishing characteristic" you saw in that
hotel room. Ooooh, dear one, how many of those ugly things have you see?
You can tell me. Honey, most of us think he must have a big one. He has
such big hands and his nose aint small neither. There is another group who
thinks it was the color you noticed. There is this one gal who will bet
anything that his big thing is deep purple. You should hear her talk. It
gives me the hot flashes all over again.

Now my guess is that he couldn't get it up. I think that's the reason you
stayed in the room so long. Heck, you had to give the boy a chance to get
it up. I know you were disappointed. Lord knows, this was you chance to
have the governor and he was a hunk, too. Why you would have been crazy
turn your back on such luck. Those male reporters and lawyers don't
understand the pressure you were under after he failed to perform. He asked
you for oral sex. Ha, ha. That's what they want when they can't get it up.
We understand the code. I also understand why you were afraid that man
would try to punish you for being a witness to his wilted willy. You were
so brave. No wonder you and your husband had to leave the state.

Now if you had told that women judge the whole story, she would have been
more sympathetic. Even those NOW lesbians would have helped you. Women
understand how men can be so cruel about impotency. They always try to
blame us. Why I think limp libidos must be one of the leading causes of
husbands beating up their wives. I'm beginning to sound like a liberal.

If you ever write that book, you can stay at house. My husband's best
friend is the manager of our B. Dalton Book store. His wife promises that
you can do a book signing at his store. And I'll host a special meeting of
the Sewing Circle just for you.

Come see us,
Betty Carol Haynoble Dodger

------------------------------

Date:    Mon, 27 Apr 1998 09:22:07 -0400
From:    Chalapathi Rao Poduri <chaps@TC4HQ.CMC.STPH.NET>
Subject: Blondes! <adult?>

A blonde is walking down the street with her blouse open and her
right breast hanging out.  A policeman approaches her and says,
"Ma'am, are you aware that I could cite you for indecent exposure?"
She says, "Why, officer?" "Because your breast is hanging out."
She looks down and says, "OH MY GOD, I left the baby on the bus again!"

------------------------------

Date:    Sun, 26 Apr 1998 22:50:05 -0800
From:    Stan Kegel <kegel@FEA.NET>
Subject: Puns

I took my two sons, ages seven and five to the playground at our local
park. My seven year old was very proud as he was able to read the sign
with all the rules to his brother. "Do not jump on the merry-go-round
when in motion." "Go down the slide while sitting only." "Only one child
on a swing at a time." There were about twenty rules and the boys
promised to obey them all, if I would trust them and let them play
without Daddy standing by. They said that they were too old to be
watched and their friends would tease them calling them babies if Dad
stayed. I made them promise to be good and obey the rules, and rejoined
my wife preparing our picnic lunch. When it was time to get the
children, I decided to watch them at a distance for a while to see how
reliable they were in following my instructions. I found that they
obeyed most of the printed instructions. That is, all but one. They
would get on the tall semicircular slide and go down head first or
backward. Angerly, I picked up the children and took them over to the
posted regulations and made my seven year old read it aloud again. Then
I asked the boys what they had to say for themselves. My five year old
answered immediately, "Don't be silly, Dad. ... There s no use for a slide
rule anymore." (By Stan Kegel)

In a recent NBC poll in which people were asked whether they would
prefer to kill a minstrel, or to kill a mime. Nearly 83 percent chose to
shoot the minstrel. You see, they all agreed that ... a mime is a
terrible thing to waste.

One day a poppa dog had the job of looking after his young puppy while
mommy went off shopping. He had his heart set on going to the dog show
that day so asked his young son if he would like to go along. Of course
that sounded exciting to the little puppy so he agreed. While there the
poppa dog entered himself in the show. Lo and behold, he came away with
the blue ribbon for 'best of show.' On the way home he suggested to his
son that they stop by the local pub to celebrate with a beer or two. The
puppy drank sodas while his father had several beers. When they got home
poppa realized that they had left the ribbon on the bar. The puppy said,
"You've had enough to drink already, Pop. I'll run back for it." When he
climbed up onto the bar stool the bartender asked, "What'll you have
young man?" The puppy replied, ... "I'll have pap's blue ribbon,
please!"

At the end of a long day, all the fisherman had caught was one small,
red salmon. He was about to kill it when the salmon shouted, "Wait, I'm
much too small!" "Wow!, a talking salmon," the fisherman exclaimed,
"What's your name? "Rusty," replied the salmon. "Please throw me back
into the sea!" The fisherman did so. About a year later, the man was
fishing the same spot when he again caught Rusty! "Amazing," exclaimed
the fisherman, "What have you been doing since I last caught you?" "I've
been sitting on the wreck of the good ship Titanic writing poetry, it's
very inspirational there." The fisherman read some of the poems and was
quite impressed. "These should be published," he said. "Have you thought
of a title for them?" After some thought the fish said, "I'll call them
... "Salmon Rusty's Titanic Verses."

------------------------------

End of HUMOR Digest - 26 Apr 1998 to 27 Apr 1998
************************************************

