HUMOR Digest - 25 Apr 1998 to 26 Apr 1998
There are 5 messages totalling 231 lines in this issue.

Topics of the day:

  1. Teenagers
  2. Eager beaver police dogs
  3. Twain quote <language>
  4. Chicken Quotes: The Zodiac
  5. pope account

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Date:    Sat, 25 Apr 1998 04:25:41 -0400
From:    Jim Moore Jr <jimjr@QIS.NET>
Subject: Teenagers

* Teenage boy to Mother: "Don't yell at me. I'm not your husband."
                                - - - - -

* They have a new teenage doll on the market now. You wind it up
  and it resents you for it.
                                - - - - -

* If all the teenagers who slept in class were laid end to end --
  they'd be a lot more comfortable.
                                - - - - -

* I have a question.  If mind expanding drugs are such a problem in
  schools these days, how come all the kids don't get better grades.
                                - - - - -

* It's hard being a teenager these days.  I mean, they all face one
  huge insurmountable obstacle.  Sooner or later, they all realize
  they're going to grow-up to be just as stupid as their parents.
                                - - - - -

* My daughter Sandy was a typical teenager. I remember one day she
  stood there in her Calvin Klein jeans & designer blouse, wearing
  Gucci shoes and carrying a Louis Vuitton purse and told me (with
  a straight face), "I gotta be me Dad."
                                - - - - -

* So many Fathers complain when their teenage daughters' boyfriends
  start coming around the house and try to eat everything in sight.
  I never minded so much having another mouth to feed.  What used
  to bother me more was, I had yet another mouth to listen to.
                                - - - - -

*   Speaking of my daughter Sandy (I was), like any teenage girl,
  she considered the telephone a life-support system of some kind
  to keep her going while in hostile territory (our house).
    When she left home to get married, the telephone company here
  retired her phone number.

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Date:    Sat, 25 Apr 1998 06:02:27 -0400
From:    rlb <rlb@DORUK.COM.TR>
Subject: Eager beaver police dogs

"Police and school officials in an upstate New York town got more than they
bargained for in a program given at the local high school to demonstrate the
force's dogs. The students were herded into the auditorium and the handlers on
stage put the dogs through their paces. They demonstrated some bite work, then
let some students up onto the stage to pet the dogs to show that police dogs
aren't vicious, they're just trained to stop bad guys. Then for a special
demonstration, they announced that there were four bags of pot hidden around
the auditorium and then they let the dogs loose in the room to find them. By
the time they had finished, the dogs had brought back six bags..."

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Date:    Sat, 25 Apr 1998 13:07:41 -0600
From:    Janelle Barker <jbarker@HOLLY.COLOSTATE.EDU>
Subject: Twain quote <language>

Substitute "damn" every time you're inclined to write "very"; your
editor will delete it and the writing will be just as it should be.
                -- Mark Twain

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Date:    Sat, 25 Apr 1998 18:14:40 -0800
From:    Stan Kegel <kegel@FEA.NET>
Subject: Chicken Quotes: The Zodiac

WHY DID THE CHICKEN CROSS THE ROAD?

33. The Zodiac

ARES (March 21 to April 19): Chickens born under the sign of Ares are
natural leaders possessing a pioneering determined spirit, who wish to
make their mark on the world. They cross the road to assert themselves
and seek action, daring and adventure.

TAURUS (April 20 to May 20): Taurus chickens are strong willed and have
a down to earth attitude toward life. They are overly interested in
material things and have a real need for security. They feel unsettled
unless comfortable. They will cross only if there is more security on
the other side or to obtain material possessions.

GEMINI (May 21 to June 20): They are highly restless and are always
seeking a wide variety of contrasting experiences. They cross because
they do not know what is on the other side and to avoid the boredom of
their mundane existence.

CANCER (June 21 to July 22): While having a tough shell-like exterior,
Cancer chickens are very sensitive and vulnerable. They have very
delicate emotions, and are always attuned to their environment and the
feelings of those around them. They a constant and urgent need to feel
safe and always act defensively. They will only cross the road when
there is danger to themselves or others on this side.

LEO (July 20 to August 22): Leo chickens are majestic and proud with
personalities that need to shine, and greet opportunities with fervor
and vitality. They always need to be in charge. They need plenty of
drama and color to escape a normal, humdrum existence. They will cross
the road with great enthusiasm for the opportunities it provides.

VIRGO (August 23 to September 22): Virgos are practical and adaptable.
They have a strong desire to succeed, are very discriminating and tend
to be critical of others. They strive for perfection. They are very
poultriatarian and will usually cross for the good of other chickens and
because it is the proper or correct thing to do.

LIBRA (September 23 to October 22): Libra chickens are thoughtful and
sensitive, and are always seeking balance and harmony. They need the
respect and love of other chickens more than any other group. They are
compelled to think carefully before making any decision. Libra chickens
are prone to stop in the middle of the road to try to decide which way
to go, making crossing the road always a considerable risk to themselves
and others.

SCORPIO (October 23 to November 21): Scorpios have a depth and intensity
of their emotions that gives them a strong inner power. They are
creatures of passion whose focused desires assist them in achieving
their aims. They can be ruthlessly self-critical in their quest for
truth. They are uncompromising, and stick to any commitment they have
made. They cross because they promised to do so.

SAGITTARIUS (November 23 to December 21): These chickens are restless
and visionary. They love to explore new horizons and see life as a
journey full of adventure. They greet every new experience with a warm
heart, a ready smile and an open mind. They cross the road because of a
passion to see more of the world. , and a spirit which longs to be free.

CAPRICORN (December 22 to January 19): Capricorns are very ambitious and
are always striving to reach the top of the coop. They are tenacious in
planning every step to achieve their goals, and leave themselves little
time to relax before looking for new peaks to climb. They cross because
they must to achieve the success they feel should be theirs.

AQUARIUS (January 20 to February 18): Chickens born under the sign of
Aquarius are strong independent spirits longing to break free from
traditional conventions and restrictions and the status quo. They are
innovative and idealistic always replacing old outdated thinking with
fresh perspectives. They are strongly driven to oppose social injustice
and oppression. They are always experimenting to discover their own
identity. They will cross because it is forbidden to do so and by doing
so it will be easier for others to do so in the future.

PISCES (February 19 to March 20): Pisces chickens are dreamy and
sensitive. They are blessed with deep intuition and a wealth of emotion.
Pisces are romantic, creative and full of love with a potential for
great happiness and lasting joy. Their imagination is so strong that it
frequently merges with fantasy. They usually cross because they had a
vision telling them that this is the means to the happiness they are
striving to achieve.

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Date:    Sat, 25 Apr 1998 20:27:15 -0800
From:    Steven & Susan <sgarrett@NWRAIN.COM>
Subject: pope account

			BUSINESS IS BUSINESS

After watching sales falling off for three straight months
at Kentucky Fried Chicken, the Colonel calls up the Pope and
asks for a favor.

The Pope says, "What can I do?  "The Colonel says, "I need you to
change the daily prayer from, 'Give us this day our daily bread'
to 'Give us this day our daily chicken'.  If you do it, I'll donate
10 Million Dollars to the Vatican."

The Pope replies, "I am sorry.  That is the Lord's prayer and I can
not change the words." So the Colonel hangs up.

After another month of dismal sales,
the Colonel panics, and calls again.

"Listen your Excellency.  I really need your help.  I'll donate $50
million dollars if you change the words of the daily prayer from 'Give
us this day our daily bread' to 'Give us this day our daily chicken.'"
And the Pope responds, "It is very tempting, Colonel Sanders.  The
church
could do a lot of good with that much money.  It would help us to
support many charities.  But, again, I must decline. It is the Lord's
prayer, and I can't change the words."

So the Colonel gives up again.  After two more months of terrible
sales.  The Colonel gets desperate. "This is my final offer, your
Excellency.  If you change the words of the daily prayer from, 'Give
us this day our daily bread' to 'Give us this day our daily chicken' I
will donate $100 million to the Vatican." The Pope replies, "Let me get
back to ,you."

So the next day, the Pope calls together all of his bishops and he
says, "I have some good news and I have some bad news.  The good news
is that KFC is going to donate $100 million to the Vatican."

The bishops rejoice at the news.
Then one asks about the bad news. The Pope
replies,

"The bad news is that we lost the Wonder Bread account."

 - Submitted by Ron Rich

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End of HUMOR Digest - 25 Apr 1998 to 26 Apr 1998
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