HUMOR Digest - 24 Apr 1998 to 25 Apr 1998
There are 15 messages totalling 770 lines in this issue.

Topics of the day:

  1. Columbia Maryland DateBook <some adult humor>
  2. Pun: The Barber
  3. Top5 - 4/24/98 - Least Watched Cable Channels
  4. Speech day<adult-rated>
  5. Crowd Control
  6. Misanthropic comments and questions about contemporary life
  7. Humor:2 clean ones
  8. Wagner quotes (off Wagner)
  9. Officer Efficiency Reports
 10. Psychic
 11. Puns: The Barber & The Eating Contest
 12. Humor: Chicken coop
 13. Star Trek meets Microsoft <off to lawyers?>
 14. dorm costs
 15. Chicken Quotes: Star Wars

----------------------------------------------------------------------

Date:    Fri, 24 Apr 1998 02:54:42 -0400
From:    Jim Moore Jr <jimjr@QIS.NET>
Subject: Columbia Maryland DateBook <some adult humor>

*   The University of Maryland Cooperative Extension Service
  offered a workshop for all 3rd/4th graders at Swansfield
  Elementary on "Investing & How to Start an Investment Club".
    "It was a nice review." remarked Shermia Stephen, one of
  the 4th graders attending.
                                - - - - -

* Oakland Mills Nursery School is holding a silent auction for
  the benefit of "YIKES" (Yuppies in Keen Emolument Schemes).
  A spokesperson for the Nursery stated that they decided on a
  silent auction, since their students couldn't bid otherwise.
                                - - - - -

* Candlelight Concerts will present the American Chamber Players
  at the Jim Rouse Theater for the Performing Arts all this month.
  They will be performing "The Joy that Kills" by a local composer
  which celebrates the lighter side of overwork, cardiac arrest,
  high blood pressure and stress.  Tickets are $ 525/person.
                                - - - - -

* Patapsco Heritage Greenway is offering guided tours thru the
  various US Mints on Saturdays and Sundays this month.
                                - - - - -

* Applications are being accepted by the Columbia 4-H Center for
  Summer Camp.  Pre-Nuptial Agreements, Scoping TownHouses for
  Investments, the Bulls and Bears of Wall Street and dining out
  (see and be seen) are offered during the two week camp.
                                - - - - -

* A planned study on the effects of "Virgra", a drug for impotent
  men, for a female-dysfunctional trial was canceled by the Howard
  County Hospital.  A hospital spokeswoman stated that over 90% of
  those who applied were Yuppettes. She said while the new drug is
  indeed promising, it is by no means a miracle cure.  A call for
  non-Yuppette volunteers has gone out.

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------------------------------

Date:    Fri, 24 Apr 1998 01:13:06 -0800
From:    Stan Kegel <kegel@FEA.NET>
Subject: Pun: The Barber

Abe Cohen was a very successful barber whose tonsorial shop happened to
be located next store to a bowling alley. Cohen became enamoured with
the sport and was determined to get his score over 200 so he began
spending more time bowling than barbering. He had started a game with 6
consecutive strikes one afternoon when the political boss of the county
tracked him down and demanded an immediate shave. Cohen indignantly
pushed him aside, declaring firmly, ... "A bowling Cohen lathers no
boss."

------------------------------

Date:    Fri, 24 Apr 1998 05:56:19 -0400
From:    John Vogel <jvogel@DGS.DGSYS.COM>
Subject: Top5 - 4/24/98 - Least Watched Cable Channels

                         April 24, 1998
            The Top 17 Least Watched Cable Channels

17> T&A&E

16> VHX - The Geriatric Porn Channel

15> C-Spam

14> ESPN222 -- All Interracial Intramural Sports with bad hair

13> E!Coli

12> ESPNC-17 -- 24-hour nude sports

11> The Chunnel Channel -- Live International Battle For
    Rush Hour Supremacy!

10> ESPMS

 9> The Naked MeterMaid & Construction Worker Channel

 8> The Khartoum Network

 7> That One Episode of Love American Style with Ruth Buzzi
    and Sonny Bono Channel

 6> Enema Cinema

 5> Vatican After Dark

 4> The Self-Discovery Channel -- with host, George Michaels

 3> Ho Shopping Network

 2> Dropaloadeon


    and Top5's Number 1 Least Watched Cable Channel...


 1> The Bitter Memories Channel


	[ This list copyright 1998 by Chris White and Ziff Davis, Inc. ]
	[ The Top Five List   top5@walrus.com   http://www.topfive.com ]
	[      To forward or repost, please include this section.      ]

------------------------------

Date:    Fri, 24 Apr 1998 03:32:57 PDT
From:    r s <jeetay@HOTMAIL.COM>
Subject: Speech day<adult-rated>

A professsor was asked to give a talk on "Sex"
When his turn came, he stood up, said "Ladies and gentlemen it gives me
great pleasure........." and sat down promptly.

------------------------------

Date:    Fri, 24 Apr 1998 10:03:54 EDT
From:    SueS7 <SueS7@AOL.COM>
Subject: Crowd Control

An award should go to the United Airlines gate agent in Denver,
Colorado, for being smart and funny and making her point when
confronted with an angry passenger.  During the final days at
Denver's old Stapleton airport, a crowded United flight was
canceled.  A single agent was rebooking a long line of
inconvenienced travelers.

Suddenly an angry passenger pushed his way to the desk.  He
slapped his ticket down on the counter and said, "I HAVE to be
on this flight and it has to be FIRST CLASS."

The agent replied, "I'm sorry sir.  I'll be happy to try to help you,
but I've got to help these folks first, and I'm sure we'll be able to
work something out."

The passenger was unimpressed.  He asked loudly, so that the
passengers behind him could hear, "Do you have any idea who I am?"

Without hesitating, the gate agent smiled and grabbed her public
address microphone.  "May I have your attention please?" she began,
her voice bellowing throughout the terminal.  "We have a passenger
here at the gate WHO DOES NOT KNOW WHO HE IS.  If anyone
can help him find his identity, please come to the gate."

With the folks behind him in line laughing hysterically, the man glared
at the United agent, gritted his teeth and swore, "F--- you!"

Without flinching, she smiled and said, "I'm sorry, sir, but you'll have
to stand in line for that, too."

The crowd applauded - and the errors of United were forgotten in a
moment of almost universal bliss.

------------------------------

Date:    Fri, 24 Apr 1998 10:28:54 EST
From:    Bill Edwards <EDWARDS_BILL@COLSTATE.EDU>
Subject: Misanthropic comments and questions about contemporary life

You are probably already a loser if you believe the envelope from Ed
McMahon and Dick Clark that said, "You may already be a winner."

I don't have an answering machine because it gives me an excuse not to
call you back.

Really living is not having to worry about catching every call when
you're out, or in the show. If it's that important, they'll call back.

What's wrong with Paula Jones' lawyers? Anybody who's ever seen her
knows she has no appeal.

Paula would have been better advised to have filed her claim under the
American with Disabilities Act, rather than charging the President
with Sexual Harassment. Our federal courts definitely protect the
insane and mentally retarded.

My friend cruises by my house every and honks his horn. I call it a
drive-by tooting.

A murderer is someone who is presumed to be innocent until he is
proven insane.

My friend told me he will speak his mind, because he has nothing to
lose.

After things go from bad to worse, the cycle will repeat itself.

Just once I would like to see a local TV station interrupt the
commercial for a special broadcast instead of the show. I don't think
they can do it.

Newt is afraid to say something about Clinton because he's been
naughty himself.

Republicans are bad losers! Clinton will be impeached House because he
won the election in 1992. Bubba will be convicted by the Senate
because he won the election in 1996. Republicans are losers!

Most of these items have been selected from the Atlanta
Journal-Constitution's the Vent column. See
http://www.accessatlanta.com/local/thevent

------------------------------

Date:    Fri, 24 Apr 1998 10:36:18 EST
From:    JD STONE <jstone@EMH1.LEAD.ARMY.MIL>
Subject: Humor:2 clean ones

From: Dorothy Pacheco

                             WHAT's IT COST

    On the first day of college, the Dean addressed the students,
    pointing out some of the rules:

    "The female dormitory will be out-of-bounds for all male
    students, and the male dormitory to the female students. Anybody
    caught breaking this rule will be fined $20 the first time."

    He continued, "Anybody caught breaking this rule the second
    time will be fined $60. Being caught a third time will cost you a
    fine of $180.  Are there any questions?"

    At this point, a male student in the crowd inquired:

    "How much for a season pass?"
                              ********

                          What The Colors Mean


    Attending a wedding for the first time, a little girl whispered
    to her mother, "Why is the bride dressed in white?"

    "Because white is the color of happiness, and today is
    the happiest day of her life."

    The child thought about this for a moment, then said,
    "So why is the groom wearing black?"

------------------------------

Date:    Fri, 24 Apr 1998 18:19:03 0
From:    Alan Campbell <alanc@MISTRAL.CO.UK>
Subject: Wagner quotes (off Wagner)

"Wagner has beautiful moments, but awful quarters of an hour".
 -- attrib Rossini

"One can't judge _Lohengrin_ on first hearing, and I certainly
don't want to hear it again"
 -- attrib Rossini

Wagner's music is so very much better than it sounds.

Wagner is the Puccini of Music
-- Beachcomber (uk columnist)

_Parsifal_ is the sort of opera that starts at 6:00pm;  after
three hours, you look at your watch, and it's 6:20...

------------------------------

Date:    Fri, 24 Apr 1998 14:10:48 -0400
From:    Terry Galan <galante@MCMAIL.CIS.MCMASTER.CA>
Subject: Officer Efficiency Reports

                     Actual lines out of U.S. OER's:

 * Not the sharpest knife in the drawer;

 * Got into the gene pool while the lifeguard wasn't watching;

 * A room temperature IQ;

 * Got a full 6-pack but lacks the plastic thingy to hold it;

 * A prime candidate for natural deselection;

 * Bright as Alaska in December;

 * Gates are down, the lights are flashing but the train isn't coming;

 * So dense that light bends around him;

 * If brains were taxed, he'd get a rebate;

 * If he were more stupid, he'd have to be watered twice a week;

 * Was left on the Tilt-A-Whirl a bit too long as a baby;

 * Wheel is turning but the hamster is dead.
			------------------------

  Actual excerpts from Royal Navy and Marines officer fitness reports:

 * His men would follow him anywhere but only out of curiosity;

 * I would not breed this officer;

 * He has carried out each and every one of his duties to his entire
   satisfaction;

 * He would be out of his depth in a car park puddle;

 * This young lady has delusions of adequacy;

 * This medical officer has used my ship to carry his genitals from port
   to port and my officers carry him from bar to bar;

 * Since my last report he has reached rock bottom and has started to dig;

 * She sets low personal standards and then consistently fails to achieve
   them;

 * He has the wisdom of youth and the energy of old age;

 * Works well under constant supervision and cornered like a rat in a
   trap;

 * This man is depriving a village somewhere of an idiot.

------------------------------

Date:    Fri, 24 Apr 1998 15:21:32 -0400
From:    Paul Benoit <Paul_Benoit@SPEEDLINE.COOKSON.COM>
Subject: Psychic

Hillary Clinton goes to a psychic who tells her :
     "Prepare yourself for widowhood...
     Your husband is about to die a violent death."
Mrs. Clinton takes a deep breath and replies :
     "Will I be acquitted?"

------------------------------

Date:    Fri, 24 Apr 1998 17:45:43 -0800
From:    Stan Kegel <kegel@FEA.NET>
Subject: Puns: The Barber & The Eating Contest

Abe Cohen was a very successful barber whose tonsorial shop happened to
be located next store to a bowling alley. Cohen became enamoured with
the sport and was determined to get his score over 200 so he began
spending more time bowling than barbering. He had started a game with 6
consecutive strikes one afternoon when the political boss of the county
tracked him down and demanded an immediate shave. Cohen indignantly
pushed him aside, declaring firmly, ... "A bowling Cohen lathers no
boss."

Scotland is a great place for fishing -- people travel from all over
Britain to take part in the angling competitions held in Fifeshire. To
keep the visiting fishermen entertained in the evenings, one of the
hotels decided to stage a fish eating competition as well. A dozen
competitors sat at a long table with a supply of grilled fish fresh from
the nearby river and their choice of tipple to help wash it down. The
winner would be the one who could eat the greatest number of whole fish
in 15 minutes. There were two favourites in the race who had done well
in the previous year's competition. Local man John Hicks was well-known
for his appetite, and Steven Coleridge from London was also strongly
fancied, although he didn't have access to the same sort of training
facilities during the year. At first, Hicks surged ahead and had
devoured three fish in the first five minutes. But Coleridge was close
behind him and finished his third fish after seven minutes. The rest of
the field were rank amateurs by comparison and most were only there for
the free drinks. Hicks continued to lead for most of the allotted time,
until suddenly there was a loud crunching sound and he cried out in
pain. He had bitten a hard piece of bone and dislodged a molar; after
consuming eight fish he couldn't continue. Coleridge was unfazed and
kept chewing at his relentless pace. By the end of the fifteen minutes,
Coleridge had edged past his rival to win the competition. The headline
in the paper next day read: ... "One tooth free for Fife's Hicks, Steven
ate nine tench."

------------------------------

Date:    Fri, 24 Apr 1998 20:57:47 -0400
From:    Arthur Emerson <emerson@EIDETI.COM>
Subject: Humor: Chicken coop

Q: Why do chicken coops have two doors?

A: Because if they had four doors, they'd be chicken sedans!

------------------------------

Date:    Fri, 24 Apr 1998 21:15:00 -0400
From:    Barry Johnson <barryj@TECHNOLOGIST.COM>
Subject: Star Trek meets Microsoft <off to lawyers?>

"Star Trek Lost Episodes" Transcript

(Picard) "Mr. LaForge, have you had any success with your attempts at
 finding a weakness in the Borg? And Mr. Data, have you been able to
 access their command pathways?"

(Geordi)"Yes, Captain. In fact, we found the answer by searching through
 our archives on late Twentieth-century computing technology."

(Geordi presses a key, and a logo appears on the computer screen.)

(Riker looks puzzled.) "What the hell is 'Microsoft'?"

(Data turns to answer.) "Allow me to explain. We will send this program,
for some reason called 'Windows', through the Borg command pathways. Once
inside their root command unit, it will begin consuming system resources
at an unstoppable rate."

(Picard) "But the Borg have the ability to adapt. Won't they alter their
processing systems to increase their storage capacity?"

(Data) "Yes, Captain. But when 'Windows' detects this, it creates a new
version of itself known as an 'upgrade'. The use of resources increases
exponentially with each iteration. The Borg will not be able to adapt
quickly enough. Eventually all of their processing ability will be taken
over and none will be available for their normal operational functions."

(Picard) "Excellent work. This is even better than that 'unsolvable
geometric shape' idea."

(Data) "Captain, We have successfully installed the 'Windows' in the
command unit and as expected it immediately consumed 85% of all resources.
We however have not received any confirmation of the expected 'upgrade'."

(Geordi) "Our scanners have picked up an increase in Borg storage and CPU
capacity to compensate, but we still have no indication of an 'upgrade' to
compensate for their increase."

(Picard) "Data, scan the history banks again and determine if their is
something we have missed."

(Data) "Sir, I believe their is a reason for the failure in the 'upgrade'.
Apparently the Borg have circumvented that part of the plan by not sending
in their registration cards.

(Riker) "Captain we have no choice. Requesting permission to begin emergency
escape sequence 3F ..."

(Geordi, excited) "Wait, Captain I just detected their CPU capacity has
suddenly dropped to 0% !"

(Picard) "Data, what does your scanners show?"

(Data) "Apparently the Borg have found the internal 'Windows' module named
'Solitaire' and it has used up all the CPU capacity."

(Picard) "Lets wait and see how long this 'solitaire' can reduce their
functionality."

(Riker) "Geordi what's the status on the Borg?"

(Geordi) "As expected the Borg are attempting to re-engineer to compensate
for increased CPU and storage demands, but each time they successfully
increase resources I have setup our closest deep space monitor beacon to
transmit more 'windows' modules from something called the 'Microsoft
fun-pack'.

(Picard) "How much time will that buy us ?"

(Data) "Current Borg solution rates allow me to predicate an interest time
span of 6 more hours."

(Geordi) "Captain, another vessel has entered our sector."

(Picard) "Identify."

(Data) "It appears to have markings very similar to the 'Microsoft' logo"

(Over the speakers) "THIS IS ADMIRAL BILL GATES OF THE MICROSOFT FLAGSHIP
MONOPOLY. WE HAVE POSITIVE CONFIRMATION OF UNREGISTERED SOFTWARE IN THIS
SECTOR. SURRENDER ALL ASSETS AND WE CAN AVOID ANY TROUBLE. YOU HAVE 10
SECONDS"

(Data) "The alien ship has just opened its forward hatches and released
thousands of humanoid shaped objects."

(Picard) "Magnify forward viewer on the alien craft"

(Riker) "Good God captain! Those are humans floating straight toward the
Borg ship with no life support suits ! How can they survive the tortures
of deep space ?!"

(Data) "I don't believe that those are humans sir, if you will look closer
I believe you will see that they are carrying something recognized by twenty-
first century man as doe skin leather briefcases, and wearing Armani suits"

(Riker and Picard together horrified) "Lawyers !!"

(Geordi) "It can't be. All the Lawyers were rounded up and sent hurtling
into the sun in 2017 during the Great Awakening."

(Data) "True, but apparently some must have survived."

(Riker) "They have surrounded the Borg ship and are covering it with all
types of papers."

(Data) "I believe that is known in ancient vernacular as 'red tape' - it
often proves fatal."

(Riker) "They're tearing the Borg to pieces !"

(Picard) "Turn off the monitors. I can't stand to watch, not even the Borg
deserve that."

Windows95 Annoyances, Copyright 1995 - 1998 Creative Element (tm).
All rights reserved.


http://www.geocities.com/SouthBeach/Pier/5132

------------------------------

Date:    Fri, 24 Apr 1998 18:46:41 -0800
From:    Steven & Susan <sgarrett@NWRAIN.COM>
Subject: dorm costs

   On the first day of college, the Dean addressed the students,
   pointing out some of the rules:

   "The female dormitory will be out-of-bounds for all male students,
   and the male dormitory to the female students. Anybody caught
   breaking this rule will be fined $20 the first time."

   He continued, "Anybody caught breaking this rule the second
   time will be fined $60. Being caught a third time will cost you
   a fine of $180.  Are there any questions?"

   At this point, a male student in the crowd inquired:

   "How much for a season pass?"

------------------------------

Date:    Fri, 24 Apr 1998 21:04:02 -0800
From:    Stan Kegel <kegel@FEA.NET>
Subject: Chicken Quotes: Star Wars

WHY DID THE CHICKEN CROSS THE ROAD?

28. Star Wars

Wedge Antilles: I've lost both starboard engines. My fire control is
out. I can't hold the chickens off any longer!

Lando Calrissian: Well, well... What have we here? A chicken? Mmmm you
truly belong here on my plate!

Cantina Bartender: We don't serve their kind in here. Your chickens
they'll have to wait across the street.

C3PO:
(1) Sir, may I remind you that I am fluent in 6,000,000 forms of
    communication and this chicken has not... shutting up, sir.
(2) Sir, according to my calculations, the odds of a chicken
    successfully navigating a road are 3,750 to 1 against.
(3) Oh, splendid! We are now a part of the flock!

Boba Fett: What if he doesn't survive the crossing? He's worth a lot to
me!

Bib Fortuna: The chicken must be allowed to cross!

Greedo: You were a good chicken once; now you're Buick fodder!

Princess Leia:
(1) Chicken? I thought I recognized your fowl scent I was brought aboard!
(2) The tighter your grasp, the more chickens will slip through your
    feathers!

Jabba the Hut: I have little use for chickens who drop their eggs at
first sign of a cross-walk.

Obi Wan Kenobi:
(1) The Force was strong with him.
(2)To follow old obi wan on some damn fool idealistic crusade.

Admiral Ozzel: Lord Vader, the chicken has crossed the street and is
preparing to... acgh! wheeze! cough! THUD!

Emporer Palpatine:
(1) Soon the hen-house will be crushed and young chick will be one of us!
(2) Foolish chicken! Only now, at the end, do you see the head-lights!

Admiral Piett: Hold here. We only have to keep the chicken from
crossing. I have my orders from the Emporer himself. He has a special
barbeque planned.

R2D2: beep bleep be deep birp whirrrrrrrrr!

Mr. Scott:' Cos ma wee transporter beam was na functioning properly. Ah
canna work miracles, Captain, wi' no dilithium crystals left to speak
of!

Luke Skywalker:
(1) But Uncle Owen, Biggs got to go to the Academy, so did that chicken!
(2) You chickens sure have a lot of rubber scoring.. you must have seen
    a lot of road action!
(3) But how am I to know to the Good Side of the Road from the Bad?

Han Solo:
(1) Crossing roads aint like dustin' crops, chicken! There's lot of precise
    calculations. You could walk right into a Starrion, bounce to close to a
    Chevy Nova, and that would end your trip real fast
(2) I have a bad feeling about this chicken.

Stormtrooper: We don't need to see his feathers... He's not the chicken
we're looking for... He can go about his road-crossing... Move along...
Move along...

Darth Vader:
(1) She was seduced by the dark side of the road.
(2) The circle is now comlete. When I left you, I was a chick... Now, I
    am the rooster!
(3) The Empire will compensate you if he's squashed.
(4) Because it could not resist the power of the Dark Side.
(5) Chicken? So! You have a pet chicken! Obi-Wan was wise to hide it across
    the street. Now his failure is complete! If you will not cross to
    the Dark Side of the road, then perhaps IT will!

General Veers: The generator will be down in moments... you may begin
egg-laying!

Yoda:
(1) Crossing the road makes not a chicken great
(2) Roads? What know you of roads? For 800 years have I trained
    chickens; my own counsel I will keep on why they cross!
(3) This chicken, long time have I watched. Always looking away to the
    crossing the road! Never his mind on WHERE HE WAS! Allante! Hah! El
    Dorado! Hmph! A chicken has not use for things such as these
(4) Do not under-estimate the powers of the road, or suffer the
    butcher's block you will!

George Lucas :
(1) Because the Force was with it.
(2) You'll have to wait for the next set of movies, 1-3, to find out the
    real reason why the chicken crossed. The whole point of the current
    releases, 4-6, is the story of the chicken's redemption crossing.
(3) I originally planned to have a chicken army attack the Stormtroopers
    on Endor, but the AT-AT walkers kept squishing them
(4) The first chicken crossing scene was underbudget and rushed, so I've
    used ILM's digital editors to add several more cars and also a school
    bus, which has nothing to do with story, but I thought looked really
    cool. The sound effects have been bolstered by the folks at my THX
    studio, and now, for the first time, you can hear the chicken scream,
    even though chickens don't really scream, but the sound, I find, helps
    set the tone of the scene. The chicken itself has been recreated from
    old footage. We had to edit out the original road and replace it with
    an updated digital road. It looks nothing like the other roads in the
    film, but that's okay because I wanted to show the hustle and bustle
    of a real superhighway, full of the action and of the grand scale that
    the fans really deserve. The chicken's blaster effects have been
    improved; now you can clearly see that the Dodge shoots first, making
    the chicken look less like a cold-blooded killer. That the Dodge missed
    by about seven feet, even though they were only a lane apart, and that
    the Dodge had the draw and plenty of time to aim, merely demonstrates
    the chicken's skill. All in all, the scene is about ten minutes longer,
    which is still shorter than I originally envisioned, but I felt that
    adding any more might break the flow of the story. Now the fans can see
    the chicken cross the road the way it was meant to be seen, on the big
    screen.

John Williams: I'll have to thoroughly research the chicken's musical
background before I can compose a road-crossing theme.

------------------------------

End of HUMOR Digest - 24 Apr 1998 to 25 Apr 1998
************************************************

