HUMOR Digest - 23 Apr 1998 to 24 Apr 1998
There are 13 messages totalling 765 lines in this issue.

Topics of the day:

  1. Seniors <some adult humor>
  2. Oi yoi yoi...
  3. Puns: The Fortune Teller & The Surrealist
  4. Soap operas <some semi-adult stuff>
  5. EMOTICONS <adult themes>
  6. How it should be!! (one for the men & off. to women)
  7. Accountants..
  8. Happy Birthday Bill Shakespeare!
  9. Humor: offensive to Monica + the Pres.  Adult...
 10. Clinton, Starr, Burton <political>
 11. Dividing the nuts
 12. Emergency Room Stories <some sexual content>
 13. Lawrence Of Arabia - You must have noticed! <clean>

----------------------------------------------------------------------

Date:    Thu, 23 Apr 1998 03:08:03 -0400
From:    Jim Moore Jr <jimjr@QIS.NET>
Subject: Seniors <some adult humor>

* Mrs JimJr sez sometimes she thinks I'm going thru my second
  childhood.  Well, maybe.  Biggest thing wrong I see with that
  though is you can't blame your parents for anything.
                                - - - - -

* Speaking of Mrs JimJr (I was) she never lies about her age.
  She tells everyone we're both exactly the same age.  Then...
  she lies about my age.
                                - - - - -

* These days, when you reach 80, there are 6 women for every man.
  What a hell of a age to get odds like that !
                                - - - - -

* Lots of longevity in my family. I had an Uncle who died at 108.
  He was shot by a jealous husband.
                                - - - - -

* My Uncle wasn't the only one who lived a long happy life though.
  I had an Aunt who died at 102.  Thank God they saved the baby.
                                - - - - -

*   An old man was having an on-going affair with a widow.  They
  had a standing date to meet once a month for a nite of passion.
  After their April tryst, he said to her, "See ya in May."
    She sighed and replied, "Is sex all you ever think about ?"
                                - - - - -

* I have a neighbor Mrs Musgrove, whom people say hasn't changed a
  bit in the last 20 years -- they swear she still looks the same.
  Of course, she looked old as hell twenty years ago too.
                                - - - - -

* I don't really know how old she is, but when she and her first
  husband were divorced, she got the cave.

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------------------------------

Date:    Thu, 23 Apr 1998 01:38:10 -0700
From:    Jack Kolb <KOLB@UCLA.EDU>
Subject: Oi yoi yoi...

[From--only most recently--Martin Lubin

ACTUAL PERSONALS WHICH APPEARED IN ISRAELI PAPERS

--Sincere rabbinical student, 27. Enjoys Yom Kippur,
    Tisha B'av, Taanis Esther, Tzom Gedaliah, Asarah B'Teves,
    Shiva Asar B'Tammuz.  Seeks companion for living life in
    the "fast" lane.
--Yeshiva bochur, Torah scholar, long beard, payos. Seeks
    same in woman.
--Very pretty, slim, lulav would like to meet fragrant,
    squeezable esrog. Let's do hoshanas together. Pitum a must.
--Worried about in-law meddling? I'm an orphan! Write.
--Nice Jewish guy, 38. No skeletons. No baggage. No personality.
--Are you the girl I spoke with at the kiddush after shul last
    week? You excused yourself to get more horseradish for your
    gefilte fish, but you never returned. How can I contact you
    again? (I was the one with the cholent stain on my tie).
--Shochet, 54, owns successful butcher shop in Midwest.
    Doesn't believe women should be treated like a piece of meat.
    Seeks glatt kosher maydl for marriage.
--Female graduate student, studying kaballah, Zohar, exorcism
    of dybbuks, seeks mensch. No weirdos, please.
--Staunch Jewish feminist, wears tzitzis, seeking male
    who will accept my independence, although you probably
    will not. Oh, just forget it.
--Jewish businessman, 49, manufactures Sabbath candles,
    Chanukah candles, havdallah candles, Yahrzeit candles.
    Seeks non-smoker.
--Israeli professor, 41, with 18 years of teaching in my
    behind. Looking for American-born woman who speaks English
    very good.
--Couch potato latke, in search of the right applesauce.
    Let's try it for eight days. Who knows?
--80-year-old bubby, no assets, seeks handsome, virile
    Jewish male, under 35. Object matrimony. I can dream,
    can't I?
--I am a sensitive Jewish prince whom you can open your
    heart to. Share your innermost thoughts and deepest secrets.
    Confide in me. I'll understand your insecurities. No fatties,
    please.
--Jewish male, 34, very successful, smart, independent,
    self-made. Looking for girl whose father will hire me.
--Single Jewish woman, 29, into disco, mountain climbing,
    skiing, track and field. Has slight limp.
--Orthodox woman with get, seeks man who got get, or can
    get get. Get it?  I'll show you mine, if you show me yours.
--Desparately seeking shmoozing!  Retired senior citizen
    desires female companion 70+ for kvetching, kvelling, and
    krechtzing.  Under 30 is also OK.
--Shul gabbai, 36.  I take out the Torah Saturday morning.
    Would like to take you out Saturday night.  Please write.
--Attractive Jewish woman, 35, college graduate, seeks
    successful Jewish Prince Charming to get me out of my
    parents' house.
--Divorced Jewish man, seeks partner to attend shule
    with, light Shabbos candles, celebrate holidays, build Sukkah
    together, attend brisses, bar mitzvahs.  Religion not
    important.


Jack Kolb
Dept. of English, UCLA

------------------------------

Date:    Thu, 23 Apr 1998 02:27:24 -0800
From:    Stan Kegel <kegel@FEA.NET>
Subject: Puns: The Fortune Teller & The Surrealist

While driving down the road the motorist say a roadside stand which had
a fortune teller sitting under an umbrella. She was just sitting there
smiling and laughing. The motorist passed on by and went a couple of
miles on down the road. All of a sudden he spun his car around and sped
back toward the fortune teller. As he got closer to the still laughing
fortune teller he began to slow down. He pulled up next to the woman and
jumped out of his car and suddenly began slapping and beating her. A
policeman passing by screeched to a stop and wresseled the man to the
ground. After cuffing the man he stood him up and asked him, "What do
you think you're doing?" After a moment the man replied, ... "Well, I've
always wanted to strike a happy medium."

It is a little known fact that a pharmacist was responsible for saving
the career of that creator of really weird, Surrealist paintings,
Salvador Dali. It seems that the artist accidentally poured boiling
water on his drawing hand and immediately sought help at the local
pharmacy. "What is the name of that medicinal plant that is good to
treat burns?" Our hero replied, ... "Aloe, Dali."

What did Stan Laurel say when his partner told him this joke?
"That's ... a load, Ollie!"

------------------------------

Date:    Thu, 23 Apr 1998 15:06:00 +0300
From:    Wezz the Warlock <wtw@DLC.FI>
Subject: Soap operas <some semi-adult stuff>

 Tony Blair, the Prime minister of Britain, is a soap opera fan. In fact,
he is so big fan that when a character in one of his favourites shows was
sent to jail innocent, he actually pleaded for rhe writers of the show to
relese the character.

 But why on Earth would Blair watch soap operas? Hell, he lives in one!
Well, only has a small part but still. The role is in the biggest soap
opera in the world: politics.

 The show so far:
 The president of the United States is still under investigation for his
claimed sexual exploits. He says he's innocent, but who believes? The
royals of Britain have been quiet since the tragic accident which took the
life of a member of the family. This deceased had divorced her husband, and
they both had affairs going on.. The president of Russia, who is a good
friend of the president of the USA, has been sick lately. A whole bunch of
people will be fighting for his position when the old guy finally kicks the
bucket.

 And still they wonder why world economics aren't doing so well..


http://www.dlc.fi/~wtw/

------------------------------

Date:    Thu, 23 Apr 1998 08:39:27 -0400
From:    Paul Benoit <Paul_Benoit@SPEEDLINE.COOKSON.COM>
Subject: EMOTICONS <adult themes>

received from Allison Burgos

We all know those annoyingly cute little computer symbols
called "emoticons," where  :)  or   :-)   means a smile and
:(   or  :-(  is a frown.  Well, how about some "ass cons"? Here goes:

(_!_)      a regular ass
(__!__)    a fat ass
(!)        a tight ass
(_._)      a flat ass
(_^_)      a bubble ass
(_*_)      a sore ass
(_!__)     a lop-sided ass
{_!_}      a swishy ass
(_o_)      an ass that's been around
(_O_)     an ass that's been around a lot
(_x_)     kiss my ass
(_X_)     leave my ass alone
(_zzz_)    a tired ass
(_o^o_)   a wise ass
(_13_)     an unlucky ass
(_$_)     Money coming out of his ass
(_?_)   Dumb Ass

------------------------------

Date:    Thu, 23 Apr 1998 11:37:25 -0400
From:    Terry Galan <galante@MCMAIL.CIS.MCMASTER.CA>
Subject: How it should be!! (one for the men & off. to women)

 Oh to live in the 60s!!! The Good Wives Guide This is an actual extract
 from a home economics book printed in the 60's.
			____________________

 Have dinner ready. Plan ahead, even the night before, to have a delicious
 meal ready, on time for his return. This is a way of letting him know
 that you have been thinking about him and are concerned about his needs.

 Most men are hungry when they come home and the prospect of a good meal
 (especially his favourite dish) is part of the warm welcome needed.

 Prepare yourself. Take 15 minutes to rest so you'll be refreshed when he
 arrives. Touch up your make-up, put a ribbon in your hair and be
 fresh-looking. He has just been with a lot of work-weary people. Be a
 little gay and a little more interesting for him. His boring day may need
 a lift and one of your duties is to provide it.

 Clear away the clutter. Make one last trip through the main part of the
 house just before your husband arrives. Gather up schoolbooks, toys,
 paper, etc. and then run a dust cloth over the tables. Over the cooler
 months of the year you should prepare and light a fire for him to unwind
 by. Your husband will feel he has reached a haven of rest and order, and
 it will give you a lift too. After all, catering for his comfort will
 provide you with immense personal satisfaction.

 Minimise all noise. At the time of his arrival, eliminate all noise of
 the washer, dryer or vacuum. Try to encourage the children to be quiet.
 Be happy to see him. Greet him with a warm smile and show sincerity in
 your desire to please him.

 Listen to him. You may have a dozen important things to tell him, but the
 moment of his arrival is not the time. Let him talk first. Remember, his
 topics of conversation are more important than yours. Make the evening
 his.

 Never complain if he comes home late or goes out to dinner or other
 places of entertainment without you. Instead try to understand his world
 of strain and pressure, and his very real need to be at home and relax.

 Your goal. Try to make sure your home is a place of peace, order and
 tranquillity where your husband can renew himself in body and spirit.
 Don't greet him with complaints and problems. Don't complain if he's late
 home for dinner or even if he stays out all night. Count this as minor
 compared to what he might have gone through that day.

 Make him comfortable. Have him lean back in a comfortable chair or have
 him lie down in the bedroom. Have a cool or warm drink ready for him.
 Arrange his pillow and offer to take off his shoes.

 Speak in a low, soothing and pleasant voice. Don't ask him questions
 about his actions or question his judgement or integrity. Remember, he is
 the master of the house and as such will always exercise his will with
 fairness and truthfulness. You have no right to question him.

 A good wife always KNOWS HER PLACE.

------------------------------

Date:    Thu, 23 Apr 1998 13:35:53 +0000
From:    Jack Shea <jshumor@BERK.COM>
Subject: Accountants..

When The "Baltimore Business Journal" reported on August 25,
1995 about the image realignment wanted by accountants, they
had no idea that Robert Prentice, Professor at the University
of Texas at Austin would pick it up. They reported that "The
industry's trade group plans to spend $3 million this year to
make over the humble accountant's image." Mr. Prentice saw
this as a call to action, and he quickly marshaled his students
in LEB 380.17 (Liability of Accountants) to come up with pithy
new slogans for use in the new marketing push. The results of
their laborious efforts are here, in "Top Ten" format:


10. No matter how low we sink, we're always a step above lawyers.
  9. Let the lawyers do the lying-- leave the manipulating to us.
  8. We may be geeky, but at least we're not lawyers.
  7. You may not like us, but at least we're not lawyers. (At this
       point, you may be thinking to yourself, "Self, I think I sense
       a pattern here!" But you'd be wrong-- read on!)
  6. Just count it!
  5. Have you hugged your accountant today?
  4. If you don't look good, we don't look good.
  3. After you pay our bill, the IRS's bill won't bother you.
  2. We check to make sure you're balanced.

     --And, the Number 1 suggested marketing topic............,

  1. Accountants: Always there to cover your ASSets!

------------------------------

Date:    Thu, 23 Apr 1998 14:43:55 -0400
From:    JIM MICA OFFICE OF ADMISSION ITHACA COLLEGE <JMICA@OA.ITHACA.EDU>
Subject: Happy Birthday Bill Shakespeare!

        As I drove in to work this morning, the announcer on my local
public radio station reminded me that today (April 23) is probably
William Shakespeare's birthday!  One of the greatest English humorists
ever surely deserves to be remembered to the humor community on his birthday.

        So here's to Bill, Bard of Avon, whether or not the scholars can
pull your bacon out of the fire, you were one who made words trip and
dance and shake-a-lance.

        I was in Much Ado About Nothing in high school --that was back before
Kenneth Branagh got a hold of it and stuck Michael Keaton in my favorite role.

        Much Ado is full of juicy tibits for eager young minds take the
quickly looked up interchange between Benedict and one of the Maids noted
below:

BENEDICT
     ...I give thee the bucklers.

MARGARET
     Give us swords; we have bucklers of our own.

BENEDICK
     If you use them, Margaret, you must put in the
     pikes with a vice; and they are dangerous weapons for maids.

                        *******

        I still crack up over that one.  The young woman who played
Margaret was scandalized, but as our Director pointed out at the time,
"This is Shakespeare, we can get away with it."

        And then there is the dimwitted Officer Dogberry --one wonders if
he was the original model for Deputy Dawg, et al.  Let your mind spin around
with this speech by Dogberry that will remind of of Abbot & Costello meeting
up with Monty Python:

DOGBERRY
     Marry, sir, they have committed false report;
     moreover, they have spoken untruths; secondarily,
     they are slanders; sixth and lastly, they have
     belied a lady; thirdly, they have verified unjust
     things; and, to conclude, they are lying knaves.

DON PEDRO
     First, I ask thee what they have done; thirdly, I
     ask thee what's their offence; sixth and lastly, why
     they are committed; and, to conclude, what you lay
     to their charge.

CLAUDIO
     Rightly reasoned, and in his own division: and, by
     my troth, there's one meaning well suited.
                        ********

        Ah, Bill, any praise we might offer would be faint praise indeed.
        As Officer Dogberry observes when he makes his exit:

DOGBERRY
     Come, bring away the plaintiffs: by this time our
     sexton hath reformed Signior Leonato of the matter:
     and, masters, do not forget to specify, when time
     and place shall serve, that I am an ass.

------------------------------

Date:    Thu, 23 Apr 1998 15:02:02 EST
From:    JD STONE <jstone@EMH1.LEAD.ARMY.MIL>
Subject: Humor: offensive to Monica + the Pres.  Adult...

Note: this is definately adult material, suggestive sexually
Monica's Diary............87 lines...long but amusing....

*Entry 1   Dear Diary,
     I'm so excited! Just got a job as an intern at the White House...
and I don't know a thing about medicine.  Don't even know what my
duties are yet, but I hope it's a "hands on" position.
*Entry 2   Dear Diary,
     You won't believe this!  I snuck into the Oval Office when no
one was looking. But then I dropped one of my contact lenses.  So, I
got down on my hands and knees and was looking for it when, guess
what, the President walked in. He said, "You must be the new intern."
That man is psychic! I hope he likes me.
*Entry 3   Dear Diary,
     I think the President likes me.  Today he dropped HIS contacts
on the rug and asked me to find them.  We looked all over for them,
and you'll never believe where they urned up.  And the most
embarrassing thing was, he was the one who found them.
*Entry 4   Dear Diary,
     He really likes me.
*Entry 5   Dear Diary,
     I have been sent to the stupid Pentagon to work.  It is such a
drag.  Like they're going to put me in charge of heat-seeking missles
or something.  But I still talk to my Bubba-cakes on the phone.  He
calls me "1-900-Monica." (That means he thinks I'm one in nine
hundred.  That's pretty special.)
*Entry 6   Dear Diary,
     I met a really nice girl today.  Her name is Linda.  She's
really cool except for that clown hair.  Has she ever heard the word
"conditioner?"  She looks like Mrs. Ronald McDonald.
*Entry 7   Dear Diary,
     I think Linda is hard of hearing.  She keeps asking me to speak
louder whenever we go out for a quiet dinner.
*Entry 8   Dear Diary,
     Oh-oh.  The bad news:  I've been subpoenaed.  The good news is
that Vernon Jordan is my new best friend. I'm going job hunting with
him tomorrow.
*Entry 9   Dear Diary,
     I had to give an affidavit in that stupid Paula Jones' case. What
is she talking about?  There are no distinguishing marks.  And, by the
way, I am way cuter than her. She looks like David Brenner in drag.
*Entry 10  Dear Diary,
     I've had it. I'm never going to be an intern again. I'm going
back to Hollywood where they pay you for that kind of work.
*Entry 11  Dear Diary,
     Finally got home to L.A. and hugged Daddy so hard I thought I
would pop. It's the first time in six months I called a man "daddy"
that I was actually related to.
*Entry 12  Dear Diary,
     It is so totally fabulous being back in Brentwood where they
really understand me. O.J. stopped by-he said not to worry because,
"If there's no spot on the dress, it's anybody's guess."
*Entry 13  Dear Diary,
     All my girlfriends are so jealous of all the attention I'm
getting from Kenneth Starr.  I think they have a subpoena envy.  And
Linda Tripp-I hate her. I'm thinking of selling a Linda Doll.  You
wind it up and it stabs a Barbie Doll in the back.
*Entry 14  Dear Diary,
     Got to remember to tell Bubba-cakes my totally do-able solution
to this whole wacky Iraqi crisis. He forgets that I worked at the
Pentagaon. Just have Vernon Jordan get Saddam Whatsisname a job at
Revlon. (Like, really, it's a no brainer!)
*Entry 15  Dear Diary,
     They keep asking me if I had sexual relations with the President.
I mean, give me a break. That is so crazy. I mean, just because every
day, when I worked at the White House, his name was at the top of my
"To Do" list.
*Entry 16  Dear Diary,
     Sometimes I wish some of the other girls who were in my position
would stand up and be counted. But they might hit their heads on the
President's desk if they did.
*Entry 17  Dear Diary,
     They keep talking about immunity... like I caught something from
the President or something. The truth is, there was always a secret
service man outside the Oval Office protecting us. Now, that's what I
call safe sex!
*Entry 18  Dear Diary,
     Omigod. Mom and I are both going to the grand jury.  What is that
about anyway? Sounds like some big hotel. Anyway, I guess I shouldn't
have told mom about taking dictation in the Oval Office.  Me and my
big mouth!
*Entry 19  Dear Diary,
     I'm not really worried.  I've got offers to do some really cool
movies that are going straight to video and starring me!  The Full
Monica, a sequel to In And Out, A Pack-O-Lips Now, Wag the Willy and
my most favorite: Good Bill Humping. I hope Speilberg will direct.

------------------------------

Date:    Thu, 23 Apr 1998 14:53:59 -0500
From:    Joe Hickman <comedy@FLASH.NET>
Subject: Clinton, Starr, Burton <political>

Susan McDougal, Bill Clinton's partner in the Whitewater real estate
venture, still won't cooperate with Kenneth Starr. Well, that just about
makes it unanimous.

Let's face it, if a woman won't cooperate even to get out of jail and an
orange jumpsuit, maybe you're just not using the right approach.

Republican Congressman Dan Burton says he may have used the wrong term
referring to President Clinton as a "scumbag." After all, he is not a
licensed scumologist.  Though, of course, almost any politician would be
inordinately scum-aware.

Obviously, Indiana Republican Congressman Dan Burton, who called
President Clinton a scumbag, is a graduate of the Dan Quayle School of
Political Eloquence.

Republican Dan Burton, who thinks President Clinton is a scumbag, is
heading the congressional investigation into the President's election
fund. So in addition to Ken Starr, the President's now being
investigated by a Special Scumecutor.

President Clinton and Paula Jones are expected to attend the same
banquet in Washington Saturday night. Hillary's not taking any chances.
She's making Bill wear his duct tape suspenders. (Bill Williams)


>From Ha! at http://www.flash.net/~comedy

------------------------------

Date:    Thu, 23 Apr 1998 23:14:21 -0400
From:    Gwendolyn E Eckman <geckman@POLARIS.UMUC.EDU>
Subject: Dividing the nuts

On the outskirts of town, there was a huge nut tree by the cemetery fence.
One day two boys filled up a bucketful of nuts and sat down by the tree,
out of sight, and began dividing the nuts. "One for you, one for me. One
for you, one for me," said one boy. The bucket was so full, several rolled
out toward the fence.

Cycling down the road by the cemetery was a third boy. As he passed, he
thought he heard voices from inside the cemetery. He slowed down to
investigate. Sure enough, he heard, "One for you, one for me. One for you,
one for me."

He knew what it was.  "Oh, my God!" he shuddered, "It's Satan and St.

Peter dividing the souls at the cemetery!" He cycled down the road as fast
as he could and found an old man with a cane, hobbling along.

"Come quick!"  said the boy. "You won't believe what I heard.  Satan and
St. Peter are down at the cemetery dividing the souls."

The man said, "Shoo, you brat! Can't you see I'm finding it hard to walk
as it is!"

After several pleas, the man hobbled to the cemetery.  Standing by the
fence he heard, "One for you, one for me. One for you, one for me..."

The old man whispered, "Boy, you've been tellin' the truth! Let's see if
we can see the Devil himself."  Shivering with fear, they peered through
the fence, yet they were still unable to see anything.  The old man and
the boy gripped the wrought iron bars of the fence tighter and tighter as
they tried to get a glimpse of Satan.

At last they heard, "One for you, one for me.  And one last one for you.
That's all.  Now let's go get those nuts by the fence, and we'll be done."

They say the old guy made it back to town 5 minutes before the boy!

------------------------------

Date:    Thu, 23 Apr 1998 20:16:14 -0700
From:    Reza Banikazemi <Reza.Banikazemi@GTE.NET>
Subject: Emergency Room Stories <some sexual content>

Just a few stories from our nations Emergency Rooms to prove that
fact is stranger than fiction.

- A 28-year old male was brought into the ER after an attempted
suicide. The man had swallowed several nitroglycerin pills and a
fifth of vodka. When asked about the bruises about his head and
chest he said that they were from him ramming himself into the wall
in an attempt to make the nitroglycerin explode.

- A 50-year old woman came into the ER with a complaint of mild
abdominal pain. During a pelvic exam the doctor found that the
lady had inserted a whole chicken piece by piece into her vagina.
Unable to have children she was hoping that the chicken would turn
into a baby.

- A man in his mid-fifties did a Loraina Bobbit on himself in a
drunken rage and ended up in the ER. The urologist thought that he
could reattach the mans genitalia if it could be recovered and if it
was in good condition. The police were dispatched to the man's
house and the search was on. During the search one of the officers
heard a choking sound coming from the man's poodle that was sitting in the
corner. After a brief fight the officer was able to retrieve the
man's jewels from the dog's mouth. After inspection of the parts
by the urologist it was decided that the man would need to be taught
to pee while sitting (if you know what I mean) The officer was given a
commendation from his precinct for medical assistance.

- A woman with shortness of breath and who weighed approximately 500
lbs was dragged into the ER on a tarp by six firemen. While trying
to undress the lady an asthma inhaler fell out of one of the folds
under her arm. After an X-ray showed a round mass on the left side
of her chest her massive left breast was lifted to find a shiny new
dime. And last but not least during a pelvic exam a TV remote
control was discovered in one of the folds of her crotch. She
became known as "The Human Couch".

- A doctor who spoke limited Spanish was rushed to a car in the ER
parking lot to find a Spanish woman in the process of giving birth.
Wanting to tell the woman to push he started yelling "Puta! Puta!
Puta!" at this the grandmother started to cry and the baby's father
had to be restrained. What the doctor should have been saying was
"Puja!" (Push!) Instead he was saying "Whore! Whore! Whore!"

- An unconscious 36-year old male was brought to the ER with
cocaine induced seizures. As a nurse pulled back his foreskin to
insert a catheter (a tube passed through the urethra and into the bladder)
a neatly folded twenty dollar bill fell out of the foreskin fold. When
the man woke up and demanded to leave, the nurse gave him back his
belongings and told him where she had found the money. His
response: "It was a fifty, bitch!"

- An elderly woman came into the ER complaining: "I got the green
vines in my virginny" (Interesting). A pelvic exam verifies that
she did, indeed, have a six inch vine growing out of her vagina.
Further inspection revealed that she had a mass in her vaginal
vault. It was easily removed and looked very much like a potato. It
was, indeed, a potato. The patient said that her uterus was
falling out and that she "put a potato in there to hold it up" and
then forgot about it.

- The most nonemergent ER visit: A male adolescent came in at 2
a.m. with a complaint of belly button lint.

- A young female came to the ER with lower abdominal pain. During
the exam and questioning the female denied being sexually active.
The doctor gave her a pregnancy test anyway and it came back positive.
The doctor went back to the young female's room.
Doctor: "The results of your pregnancy test came back positive. Are
you sure you're not sexually active?"
Patient: "Sexually active? No, sir, I just lay there."
Doctor: "I see. Well, do you know who the father is?"
Patient: "No. Who?"

- A 92-year old woman had a full cardiac arrest at home and was
rushed to the hospital. After about thirty minutes of unsuccessful
resuscitation attempts the old lady was pronounced dead. The doctor
went to tell the lady's 78-year old daughter that her mother didn't
make it. "Didn't make it? Where could they be? She left in the ambulance
forty-five minutes ago!"

- A 15-year old boy was laying on a stretcher with his mother
sitting next to him. The boy was coming down from "crank"
(methamphetamine) that he had injected into his veins with needles he had
been sharing with his friends. Concerned about this the doctor asked the
boy if there was anything he might have been doing that put him at risk for
AIDS. The boy thought for a while then said questioningly, "I've been
screwing the dog?"

- A 19-year old female was asked why she was in the ER. She said
that she and her boyfriend were having sex and the condom came off and she
wasn't able to retrieve it with her fingers. " Then I went to the bathroom and
"gagged" myself to vomit but couldn't vomit it up either."

------------------------------

Date:    Fri, 24 Apr 1998 10:44:26 -0400
From:    Chalapathi Rao Poduri <chaps@TC4HQ.CMC.STPH.NET>
Subject: Lawrence Of Arabia - You must have noticed! <clean>

Obviously,there are more Titanic fanatics than meets the eye!;-)
Here's a retort by Mr.Bob Morris <morris@sce.carleton.ca>.
[Edited to make a "cleaner" picture]

Lawrence Of Arabia and why Titanic is better off than the former:
-By Bob Morris

In Lawrence of Arabia, a 1962 Spanish bus can be seen passing a doorway
when Lawrence and Allenby are talking after Lawrence comes out of the
desert.

The guy who Lawrence rescued and the guy Lawrence shot were two different
people! Bolt combined them for dramatic purposes.

Dryden was a composite of a half dozen Civil Servants. He didn't exist!

The reporter was Lowell Thomas, not Jackson Bentley!

In *many* desert shots the shadows don't match: when Lawrence comes in from
the desert with Gasim and Ali and the Arabs rush to get him the shadows
are all out of kilter in the opposing shots.

In the well scene, one shot was done 1 year later and O'Toole says he
can see himself visibly age 1 year in one second.

Lawrence knew about the Sykes Picot agreement very early on in the war,
but thought it would be best to just have the Arabs fight on and the more
they did the more they'd get in the Peace Agreement! Lawrence was wrong.

In the film, Lawrence finds out about Sykes Picot late in the film.

Lawrence and Feisal were really about the same age. In the film, Feisal
is the wise father figure to Lawrence. In reality Lawrence used Feisal,
as a starting point, and then manipulated him. This is correctly brought
out in the film A Dangerous Man: Lawrence After Arabia.

Lawrence was 5' 5": O'Toole is 6' 1".


And some comparisons on the two movies..
Most of the Titanic "real characters" look incredibly like the real
people.

If Cameron had taken the same liberties as Robert Bolt in twisting history,
Cameron would have been crucified, lynched, drawn and quartered, and then
shot -- in the press that is!

Even more than he already has been!

Because he's James Cameron and not Robert Bolt or Robert Townes or
any other number of "respected" screenwriters.

Probably 98% of Titanic details are correct.

Lawrence is nowhere in that ballpark.

------------------------------

End of HUMOR Digest - 23 Apr 1998 to 24 Apr 1998
************************************************

