HUMOR Digest - 22 Apr 1998 to 23 Apr 1998
There are 14 messages totalling 651 lines in this issue.

Topics of the day:

  1. Dr Suess Chicken Poem
  2. Nurses <innuendo>
  3. Template e-mail <clean, long-ish>
  4. Is your computer male or female?
  5. Bi-lingual, may be offensive to deaf-mutes
  6. Beer and Women (May be offensive to women)
  7. Those Advancing Years
  8. Different Intelligence Levels
  9. Easily offended Republicans (political satire)
 10. <HUMOUR> Sadam Hussein
 11. Key West, Florida, news reports <language>
 12. Ludicrous comments and questions about contemporary life
 13. Your Horrorscope!<part offensive to gays or overly sensitive people>
 14. Will You Pay? <clean>

----------------------------------------------------------------------

Date:    Wed, 22 Apr 1998 01:20:27 -0800
From:    Stan Kegel <kegel@FEA.NET>
Subject: Dr Suess Chicken Poem

This was sent to me by Ed Cotler and is by Chris Cracknell 

Dr. Suess:
Would you, could you cross the street
On your two small chicken feet?

I would not, could not cross the street
On my two small chicken feet.
Across the road I will not scram
Even though a fowl I am.

Would you cross it in Japan
To flee Godzilla and Rodan

Not in Japan
Godzilla and Rodan
I would not, could not cross the street
On my two small chicken feet.
Across the road I will not scram
Even though a fowl I am.

Would you cross the road and cluck
And jump to avoid the speeding truck?

Not with a cluck
to avoid a truck
Not in Japan
Godzilla and Rodan
I would not, could not cross the street
On my two small chicken feet
Across the road I will not scram
Even though a fowl I am.

Would you hop across the road
As though you were a garden toad?

Not across the road
as though a toad
Not with a cluck
to avoid a truck
Not in Japan
Godzilla and Rodan
I would not could not cross the street
On my two small chicken feet.
Across the road I will not scram
Even though a fowl I am.

Would you cross it in the night
Lit by passing car headlight?

Not in the night
With car headlight
Not across the road
As though a toad
Not with a cluck
To avoid a truck
Not in Japan
Godzilla and Rodan
I would not could not cross the street
On my two small chicken feet.
Across the road I will not scram
Even though a fowl I am.

Please dear chicken give it a try
For across the road you can not fly.

Alright! Alright! I'll give it a try
For it is true, chickens can't fly.
Hey! It's not bad, infact it's neat!
I truly love to cross the street.
Across the road I LOVE to scram.
I cross the road, a fowl I am.

------------------------------

Date:    Wed, 22 Apr 1998 04:22:52 -0400
From:    Jim Moore Jr <jimjr@QIS.NET>
Subject: Nurses <innuendo>

*   Two buddies happened to meet on the street. One said, "I
  was out with a Nurse last nite."
    The other quipped, "Well, maybe if you behaved yourself,
  they'd let you go out without one."
                        - - - - -

*   I know a Nurse who's so efficient that she can make the
  patient without disturbing the bed.
                        - - - - -

*   A Nurse was showing some student Nurses thru the hospital.
  "This will be the most hazardous section in the hospital for
  you.  The men on this floor are almost well."
                        - - - - -

* A Practical Nurse is one who marries a wealthy patient.
                        - - - - -

*   The Nurse was preparing the patient for surgery. "The doctor
  will be in to see you shortly.  Can't you manage a smile for
  him instead of that frown ?"
    The patient replied, "I can't Nurse.  I feel terrible and I'm
  very worried about this operation."
    "You're worried ???" the Nurse said. "The doctor is scared to
  death."
                        - - - - -

*   The night before my bypass surgery, the doctor wanted me to
  take a shower; which was fine with me, after three days of using
  a basin and washcloth.
    As I walked down the hall, I had a Nurse on either side.  The
  one asked, "Are you going to me able to manage OK ?"
    I said, "I feel weak and dizzy.  Perhaps both of you would be
  kind enuff to get in the shower with me."
    The lil' blonde Nurse looked up and said, "Nice try Mr. Moore."

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------------------------------

Date:    Wed, 22 Apr 1998 14:02:29 +0200
From:    Maurizio Mariotti <mariotti@IAFRICA.COM>
Subject: Template e-mail <clean, long-ish>

Dear:
  [  ] Clueless Newbie     [  ] Lamer         [  ] AOLer
  [  ] "Me too" er         [  ] Pervert       [  ] Geek
  [  ] Spammer             [  ] Nerd          [  ] Elvis
  [  ] Fed                 [  ] Freak         [  ] Cryogenic
  [  ] Scammer             [  ] Troller       [  ] Pre-teen

You Are Being Flamed Because:
 [  ] You posted MODs in pieces LESS than 5000 lines
 [  ] You posted something asking for warez sites
 [  ] You quoted an ENTIRE post in your reply
 [  ] You continued a long, stupid thread
 [  ] You started an off-topic thread
 [  ] You posted a "YOU ALL SUCK" message
 [  ] You posted a blatantly obvious troll
 [  ] You posted pretending to be someone famous (See "troll" above)
 [  ] You said "me too" to something
 [  ] You make no sense
 [  ] Your sig/alias/server is dreadful
 [  ] You posted a phone-sex ad
 [  ] You posted a stupid pyramid money making scheme and claimed it
      was  legal
 [  ] You posted in ElItE CaPiTaLs because you think that makes you cool
 [  ] You didn't do anything specific, but appear to be so generally
      worthless that you are being flamed anyway

 To Repent, You Must:
 [  ] Stop masturbating for a week
 [  ] Give up your AOL account
 [  ] Bust up your modem with a hammer and eat it
 [  ] Tell your Mommy to increase your medication
 [  ] Jump into a bathtub while holding your monitor
 [  ] Actually post something relevant
 [  ] Read the FAQ
 [  ] Be the guest of honor in alt.flame for a month

 In Closing, I'd Like to Say:
  [  ] Get Wrecked
  [  ] Get a life
  [  ] Never post again
  [  ] Age 10 more years before you post again
  [  ] I pity your dog
  [  ] Go tell your mother/father/test tube they failed
  [  ] Yer momma's so fat/stupid/ugly that etc...
  [  ] Take your gibberish somewhere else
  [  ] Get a clue, you pathetic loser
  [  ] Learn to post or get off the usenet
  [  ] All of the above

------------------------------

Date:    Wed, 22 Apr 1998 08:14:47 EDT
From:    SueS7 <SueS7@AOL.COM>
Subject: Is your computer male or female?

As you are aware, ships have long been characterized as being female
(e.g., "Steady as she goes," or "She's listing to starboard,
Captain!").  Recently, a group of computer scientists (all males)
announced that computers should also be referred to as being female. 
Their reasons for drawing this conclusion follow:

 Five reasons to believe computers are female:

1. No one but the Creator understands their internal logic.

2. The native language they use to communicate with other computers
   is incomprehensible to everyone else.

3. The message "Bad command or file name" is about as informative
   as, "If you don't know why I'm mad at you, then I'm certainly not
   going to tell you,"

4. Even your smallest mistakes are stored in long-term memory for
   later retrieval.

5. As soon as you make a commitment to one, you find yourself
   spending half your paycheck on accessories for it.

However, another group of computer scientists (all female) think
that computers should be referred to as if they were male.  Their
reasons follow:

Five reasons to believe computers are male:

1. They have a lot of data, but are still clueless.

2. They are supposed to help you solve problems, but half the time
   they are the problem.

3. As soon as you commit to one you realize that, if you had waited
   a little longer, you could have obtained a better model.

4. In order to get their attention, you have to turn them on.

5. Big power surges knock them out for the rest of the night.

------------------------------

Date:    Wed, 22 Apr 1998 08:26:14 -0400
From:    Grady Lacy <glacy@GRITS.VALDOSTA.PEACHNET.EDU>
Subject: Bi-lingual, may be offensive to deaf-mutes

Un mudo lee en el periodico un aviso: "Se ense=F1a a hablar a mudos,
garantizamos resultados". Aunque le resulta extra=F1o decide probar
suerte.

A deaf-mute reads an advertisement in the newspaper: "We teach deaf-mutes
to speak. We guarantee results." Although this strikes him as being
strange, he decides to try his luck.

Llega al lugar indicado, paga lo que le dicen y entra al consultorio.

Arriving at the indicated place, he pays what he is told, and enters the
consultation room.

Lo recibe un doctor muy sonriente que le indica:

A smiling doctor receives him and signs to him:

- Buenos dias, esta es la primera sesion del tratamiento, siga mis
instrucciones. Parese en medio de la sala con las piernas un poco
abiertas - el mudo obedece - Ahora cierre los ojos...

"Good morning. This is the first treatment session; follow my
instructions. Stand in the middle of the room with you legs open a little
bit."  The man does this. "Now close your eyes..."

Entonces el supuesto medico le da una tremenda patada en la
entrepierna, inmediatamente el mudo empieza a gritar:
- AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA !!!!!!

Then the supposed doctor gives him a tremendous kick in the groin, and the
man immediately began to shout: "AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA!"

El doctor le dice entonces:
- Muy bien ! Muy bien ! Vuelva ma=F1ana que le ense=F1amos la B !!!!

And the doctor says:
"Very good.  Come back tomorrow and we'll teach you 'B'!"

------------------------------

Date:    Wed, 22 Apr 1998 08:48:19 -0400
From:    Jay Harman <jharman@IX.NETCOM.COM>
Subject: Beer and Women (May be offensive to women)

Yesterday scientists revealed a theory that beer contains small traces
of female hormones."

To prove their theory, the scientists fed 100 men 12 pints of beer
over an extended period of time and observed that 100% of them
gained weight, talked excessively without making sense, became
emotional, and couldn't drive.

No further testing is planned.

------------------------------

Date:    Wed, 22 Apr 1998 08:36:19 -0600
From:    Les Pourciau at UMem <POURCIAU@LATTE.MEMPHIS.EDU>
Subject: Those Advancing Years

Last evening I heard an after dinner speaker refer to the ages of man as
youth, middle age, and ..."You're looking good."

------------------------------

Date:    Wed, 22 Apr 1998 12:09:14 -0400
From:    Terry Galan <galante@MCMAIL.CIS.MCMASTER.CA>
Subject: Different Intelligence Levels

 1. A few clowns short of a circus.
 2. A few fries short of a Happy Meal.
 3. A few beers short of a six-pack.
 4. One taco short of a combination plate.
 5. The wheel is spinning, but the hamster is dead.
 6. He doesn't have all his corn flakes in one box.
 7. She couldn't pour water out of a boot with instructions on the heel.
 8. He fell out of the Stupid tree and hit every branch on the way down.
 9. Too much yardage between the goalposts.
 10. Her elevator doesn't go all the way to the top floor.
 11. His gates are down, the lights are flashing, but the train isn't
     coming.
 12. It takes her an hour and a half to watch "60 Minutes".
 13. His belt doesn't go through all the loops.
 14. If she had another brain it would be lonely.
 15. Some drink from the fountain of knowledge, but he just gargled.
 16. He's about as bright as Alaska in December.
 17. Not the sharpest knife in the drawer.
 18. If she were any more stupid, she'd have to be watered twice a week.
 19. His skylight leaks a little.

                And Finally....

 20. She should wear a T-shirt that says "I'm with Stupid" and no arrow!

------------------------------

Date:    Wed, 22 Apr 1998 20:47:27 -0400
From:    George Hughes <hughie@MINDSPRING.COM>
Subject: Easily offended Republicans (political satire)

	[Discussion deleted for Archival Purposes] 

------------------------------

Date:    Thu, 23 Apr 1998 09:18:24 +0800
From:    Mike Robertshaw <mrobert@OUHK.EDU.HK>
Subject: <HUMOUR> Sadam Hussein

>From Bridget Swearse

Saddam Hussein, curious to see how his newly implemented decree allowing
Iraqis to travel abroad for the first time in years heads down to the
passport office. Once there he joins the line. One after another the
passport seekers ahead of him insist that
President Saddam take their place. Very quickly he has moved to the head
of the line and he is dealing with the clerk.

The clerk issues President Saddam his passport with lightning speed. The
president thanks the clerk, then turns around to discover that all those
in line behind him have vanished without a trace. Saddam turns back to
the clerk and asks what has happened. "Simple," says the clerk, "if you
leave Iraq, no else has to."

------------------------------

Date:    Wed, 22 Apr 1998 18:56:01 -0700
From:    "Dr. L. A. Wilson" <Allen_Wilson@BC.SYMPATICO.CA>
Subject: Key West, Florida, news reports <language>

The following is an excerpt from an article written by William Thomas, a
nationally syndicated columnist, a radio and TV personality, and the
author of 5 books of humor, including "Guys - Not Real Bright and Damn
Proud of It".

News reports (true stories) from the Key West newspaper "The Citizen":

In 1990, Winston The Horse was "surprise attacked on his 'dangles' by
Unknown The Pit Bull". The startled horse escaped the pit bull by taking
refuge on the top of a parked car. Both animal and vehicle needed
extensive body repairs.

In 1993, Chi Chi, the pot-belly pig, was charged with sexually assaulting
a parked Harley Davidson motorcycle. The Harley needed a new fender but
suffered no lasting traumatic or emotional damage. The pig had a pretty
good defense - he thought it was just another "hog". And what did the pig
get for his punishment? Castration; 'cause down here nobody messes with
another man's Harley.

In 1993, Rocky The Chihuahua, who must be one smooth talkin' pooch, was
sued for impregnating a purebred Rottweiler. Apparently a publication ban
prohibits using the embarrassed Rottweiler's name so we'll just call her
Strumpet. And although the outcome of this civil suit is not known, a
sentence of castration for Rocky The Chihuahua was never under
consideration. In Key West, as long as it's consensual, and the victim
isn't 40% chrome, the damages are strictly monetary.

Benedict Thielen, one of hundreds of writers who've made Key West their
home, may have said it best: "Key West is a place where the unexpected
happens with monotonous regularity." Put another way, by a bumper sticker
I spotted: "Shit Happens. But More Shit Happens in Key West."

------------------------------

Date:    Wed, 22 Apr 1998 22:57:23 EST
From:    Bill Edwards <EDWARDS_BILL@COLSTATE.EDU>
Subject: Ludicrous comments and questions about contemporary life

Selected from the files of http://www.accessatlanta.com/local/thevent

Why is there an expiration date on sour cream?

Love is blind, but marriage is a real eye opener.

When asked about relations with Rwanda, President Clinton said:
"She's lying. I never laid a hand on her."

The good news is the Republican Congress's economy is creating
millions of new jobs every year. The bad news is they're all
telemarketers.

We can put a man on the moon, but we can't manufacture a pair of
men's socks that stay up.

I wonder if Paula Jones will go back to her old ways of making money,
or did her right-wing backers provide her with financial security?

To ensure economic prosperity, ancient civilization would sacrifice a
virgin by throwing her in a volcano. Nowadays, the job qualifications
are less stringent, and she merely has to work as a White House
intern.

Nostalgia makes me long for the good old days.

The best things about Ronald Reagan's presidency is that we won't
have to be bothered with his memoirs.

Can a storm be officially designated as a tornado without touching
down at a trailer park?

Every time we see Ken Starr on TV he is walking outside some place.
Doesn't he have a real office?

------------------------------

Date:    Wed, 22 Apr 1998 21:07:48 -0700
From:    CHARITY D CRENSHAW <charity.com1@JUNO.COM>
Subject: Your Horrorscope!<part offensive to gays or overly sensitive people>

ARIES  (me!)  mar.21-apr.19

    You are the pioneer type and hold most people in contempt. You are
quick tempered, impatient, and scornful of advice. You are not very nice.

TAURUS- apr.20-may.20

    You are practical and persistent. You have a dogged determination and
work like hell. Most people think you are stubborn and bullheaded. You
are a communist.

GEMINI may.21-jun.20

     You are a quick and intelligent thinker. People like you because you
are bisexual. However you are inclined to expect too much for too little.
This means you are cheap.

CANCER jun21-jul.22

  You are sympathetic and understanding about other people's problems.
They think you are a sucker. You are always putting things off. That's
why you'll never make anything of yourself. Most welfare recipients are
Cancers.

LEO jul.23-aug.22

  You consider yourself a born leader. Others think you are pushy. Most
Leo people are bullies. You are vain and dislike honest criticism. Your
arrogance is disgusting. Leo people are known thieves.

VIRGO aug.23-sept.22

  You are the logical type and hate disorder. This nitpicking  is
sickening to your friends. You are cold and unemotional and sometimes
fall asleep while making love. Virgos make good bus drivers.

LIBRA sept.23-oct.22

  You are the artistic type and have a difficult time with reality. If
you are a man you are more than likely a queer.
Chances for employment and monetary gains are excellent. Most Libra women
are good prostitutes. All Libras die of venereal disease.

SCORPIO oct.23-nov.21

  You're shrewd in business and cannot be trusted. You shall reach the
pinnacle of success because of your total lack of ethics. Most Scorpio
people are murdered.

SAGITTARIUS nov.22-dec.21

  You are optimistic and enthusiastic. You have a reckless tendency to
rely on luck since you lack talent. The majority of Sagittarians are
drunks or dope fiends. People laugh at you a great deal.

CAPRICORN dec.22-jan19

  You are conservative and afraid of taking risks. You don't do much of
anything and are lazy. There has never been a Capricorn of any
importance. Capricorns should avoid standing still for too long as they
are apt to be mistaken for inanimate objects.

AQUARIUS jan.20-feb.18

  You have an inventive mind and are inclined to be progressive. You lie
a great deal. On the other hand you are inclined to be careless and
impractical, causing you to make the same mistakes over and over again.
People think you are stupid.

PISCES feb.19-mar.20

  You have vivid imagination and often think you are being followed by
the CIA or FBI. You have minor influence over your associates and people
resent you for flaunting your power. You lack confidence and are
generally a coward. Pisces people do terrible things to small animals.

------------------------------

Date:    Thu, 23 Apr 1998 09:43:04 -0400
From:    Chalapathi Rao Poduri <chaps@TC4HQ.CMC.STPH.NET>
Subject: Will You Pay? <clean>

One fine day, a bus driver went to the bus garage, started his bus, and
drove off along the route.  No problems for the first few stops-a few
people got on, a few got off, and things went generally well.
At the next stop, however, a big hulk of a guy got on.  Six feet eight,
built like a wrestler, arms hanging down to the ground.  He glared at
the driver and said, "Big John doesn't pay!" and sat down at the back.
Did I mention that the driver was five feet three, thin, and basically
meek?  Well, he was.  Naturally, he didn't argue with Big John, but he
wasn't happy about it.
The next day the same thing happened-Big John got on again, made a show
of refusing to pay, and sat down.  And the next day, and the one after
that, and so forth.  This grated on the bus driver, who started losing
sleep over the way Big John was taking advantage of him.
Finally he could stand it no longer. He signed up for body building
courses, karate, judo, and all that good stuff.  By the end of the
summer, he had become quite strong;  what's more, he felt really good
about himself.
So on the next Monday, when Big John once again got on the bus and said,
"Big John doesn't pay!," the driver stood up, glared back at the
passenger, and screamed, "And why not?"
With a surprised look on his face, Big John replied, "Big John has a bus
pass."

------------------------------

End of HUMOR Digest - 22 Apr 1998 to 23 Apr 1998
************************************************

