HUMOR Digest - 21 Apr 1998 to 22 Apr 1998
There are 7 messages totalling 362 lines in this issue.

Topics of the day:

  1. Advertising
  2. Hey Cowboy!/Is it My Turn to Talk? (adult)
  3. Tampax <adult-ish>
  4. <humor> Adventures in Cooking from New Zealand
  5. THE PARENTING TEST
  6. Dear Paula (political satire)
  7. Titanic - Have you noticed? <Part 2/2>

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Date:    Tue, 21 Apr 1998 03:00:44 -0400
From:    Jim Moore Jr <jimjr@QIS.NET>
Subject: Advertising

* Strange business, advertising.  I mean, who would have thought
  that condoms, tampons, feminine hygiene products, underwear &
  yeast infection medicine would be advertised on TV & yet it's
  illegal to advertise cigarettes.
                                - - - - -

* Which brings a question to mind.  Every commercial I've seen for
  female douches states that they are "disposable".  Now I may be
  naive about such things, but why would anyone want to keep them.
                                - - - - -

* If you doubt the power of advertising, consider this.  There are
  dozens of peaks in Colorado a lot higher than Pike's Peak.  Try
  naming three of them right now.
                                - - - - -

*   An old-time farm wife in Howard County, Mrs. Musgrove, sold
  her vegetables at a road-side stand.  One day a local DJ stopped
  by and suggested that she advertise on the radio.
    "Certainly not !" she replied.  "Last time I did that, so many
  people came, they bought out everything I had."
                                - - - - -

* You know you're getting on in years when the TV commercial for
  hair restorer is more interesting than the show.
                                - - - - -

* The advertising campaign to quit smoking is somewhat less than a
  success.  Some of the people who quit got their taste buds back
  and discovered they've been eating things for years that they
  can't stand.
                                - - - - -

* City streets aren't safe to walk on; cars are being stolen at a
  rapid clip; homes are burglarized; the air around us is poisoned,
  but thanks to advertising, our underarms are fully protected.

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Date:    Tue, 21 Apr 1998 06:02:47 -0400
From:    Terry Galan <galante@MCMAIL.CIS.MCMASTER.CA>
Subject: Hey Cowboy!/Is it My Turn to Talk? (adult)

 An old cowboy dressed to kill with cowboy shirt, hat, jeans, spurs and
 chaps went to a bar and ordered a drink.  As he sat there sipping his
 whiskey, a young lady sat down next to him.  After she ordered her drink
 she turned to the cowboy and asked him, "Are you a real cowboy?"  To
 which he replied, "Well, I have spent my whole life on the ranch, herding
 cows, breaking horses, mending fences, I guess I am." After a short while
 he asked her what she was.  She replied, "I've never been on a ranch so
 I'm not a cowboy, but I am a lesbian.  I spend my whole day thinking
 about women. As soon as I get up in the morning I think of women, when I
 eat, shower, watch TV, everything seems to make me think of women." A
 short while later she left and the cowboy ordered another drink. A couple
 sat down next to him and asked, "Are you a real cowboy?"  To which he
 replied, "I always thought I was, but I just found out that I'm a
 lesbian."
			     *******************

 Matt's dad picked him up from school to take him to a dental appointment.
 Knowing the parts for the school play were supposed to be posted today,
 he asked his son if he got a part. Matt enthusiastically announced that
 he'd gotten a part.  "I play a man who's been married for twenty years."
 "That's great, son.  Keep up the good work and before you know it they'll
 be giving you a speaking part."

------------------------------

Date:    Tue, 21 Apr 1998 13:50:52 +0200
From:    Maurizio Mariotti <mariotti@IAFRICA.COM>
Subject: Tampax <adult-ish>

A woman went to a discount store to purchase several items. When she
finally got to the checker, she learned one of her items had no
price. She thought she'd die of embarrassment when the checker got
on the intercom   and boomed out for all the store to hear, "Price
check on lane thirteen, Tampax. Supersize."

As if that wasn't bad enough, the person looking for the price
misunderstood   the word "Tampax" for "Thumbtacks." In a businesslike
tone, a voice boomed back over the intercom, "Do you want the kind
you push in with your thumb or the kind you pound in with a hammer?"

------------------------------

Date:    Tue, 21 Apr 1998 14:28:34 -0400
From:    JIM MICA OFFICE OF ADMISSION ITHACA COLLEGE <JMICA@OA.ITHACA.EDU>
Subject: <humor> Adventures in Cooking from New Zealand

My Younger brother culled this from somewhere or other:

ROAST GHOST

KAY MARTIN, a secretary to a New Zealand MP, got the fright of her life a
few weeks ago. According to the Auckland Sunday Star, she and a friend were
chatting over a drink when they heard a chicken squawking.  The bird
sounded in some distress, so they went outside to investigate, thinking
perhaps that it had escaped from one of the neighbours. But there were no
chickens anywhere.

Then Martin realised with horror that the sound was coming from her own
kitchen--coming, in fact, from the oven, where she had put a chicken in to
roast half an hour earlier. "It was as if it was shrieking at me from its
grave," she says. "It was so bizarre I just froze."

As they approached the oven, the squawking reached a crescendo. They took
the tray out, and as the chicken began to cool, the squawking died away.
Martin chopped the neck off and threw it in the sink. She noticed that the
vocal chords were intact. "Steam was coming up the neck from the stuffing,"
says Martin, and this had caused the dead bird to squawk. She has not
cooked chicken since.

(12 March 1994)

Note:
Up until recently, dear friends, I would have dismissed this chicken joke
as just another bit of urban folklore.  I would have been dubious, but no more.
My friend [note to folklorists: that's friend not FOAF], farmer Ed and his
wife, told me a similar story involving a goose.
It seems Ed had dispatched the goose and removed it's head for processing.
He sat with the body in his lap as he tried to pull out the feathers.  This
was no easy task and it was rendered rather surreal as the dead goose began
to honk at him!  Each time he'd pull out a quill there'd be an ummistakable
"HONK."  He kept looking at the head of the beast, but it seemed as still
as death.  He finally figured out that the vocal (or is that honkal?)
chords were still in the neck.  He was sending air through them as he
plucked and these blasts of air made the dead to speak.

------------------------------

Date:    Tue, 21 Apr 1998 17:55:04 EDT
From:    Jenn Selke <JennSelke@AOL.COM>
Subject: THE PARENTING TEST

"How many times have you heard the comment that people have to take a test
to drive a car, but anyone can be a parent? A test is needed. And not one
with a bunch of Bozo questions like 'How many servings of vegetables are
required for a three-year old female living in Boise who walks 4.3 miles
a day?' No, this test will ask the REAL questions. Are you ready to find
out if you have the right stuff to be a parent in the 90s? Get those number
two pencils ready. And let's keep our eyes on our own papers, people.

Section One -- Mathematics

For each problem, estimate the total number of times
this phrase is used per parent per week. (2 points per question)

1. I don't care what the other kids get to do.
2. ... and this time I really mean it.
3. Somebody's going to get hurt doing that.
4. See, I told you somebody was going to get hurt doing that.
5. Now we're REALLY going to be late.
6. One ... I'm counting ... two ... I'm counting ...
7. Because I'm the Mommy (Daddy).
8. Let's not discuss that at the dinner table.
9. Why is your brother (sister) crying?
10. Okay ... but only five more minutes.

Section Two -- Fill in the Blank

Write the correct word in the blank. (3 points per question)
 1. Tickle Me ____________.
 2. 101 _________________.
 3. The Berenstain _________.
 4. Clifford, the Big _________ Dog.
 5._______________ Nuggets.
 6._______________ Meals.
 7.Please won't you be my _____________?

Section Three -- Matching

Match each vocabulary word with its definition. (4 points per question).

 1.Amoxicillin
 2.Legos
 3.Pull-Ups
 4.Push-Ups
 5.Tubes

A] Small bits of plastic designed to accentuate any style of carpeting.
B] Either a recreational device originally developed for hamsters, but since
   adapted for use by children in fast food restaurants OR that which is
   placed in ears when Letter "C" fails.
C] A pink substance which is usually a regular part of a toddler's diet.
D] A frozen food amazingly devoid of any nutritional value.
E] A disposable article of clothing which one swears will only be necessary
   for a few more weeks.

Section Four -- Problem Solving

Briefly describe the solution to each problem. (5 points per question)

1] It is 8:50 a.m. School starts at 9 a.m. Where are your car keys?
2] She says that he started it. He says she started it. Who's right?
3] You are attempting to go to the post office with two very large
   packages, two very small children, zero very close parking places,
   and one frazzled parent. How will you accomplish this?
4] At 7 p.m., you must be at dance class with Debbie, Cub Scouts
   with Carl, and soccer with Susie. Without any King Soloman
   maneuvers, how will this be done?

Section Five -- Essay
Answer the question and defend your choice. (19 points)

Which of the 'Big V's' has made a bigger contribution to parenting?

Vacuum cleaners 'Velcro' or the VCR


Thanks to Nathan D. Richards Mental Health Net
http://www.cmhc.com/joke.htm
------------------------------

Date:    Tue, 21 Apr 1998 21:39:00 -0400
From:    George Hughes <hughie@MINDSPRING.COM>
Subject: Dear Paula (political satire)

(Fan mail addressed to Paula Corbin Jones)

Dear Miss Paula,

I was pleased as punch to see you on tv the other day cryin' about the way
Bill Clinton mistreated you. It was funny as hitting the jackpot on an
injine reservation. Give him hell, honey. All the Rs in Texas are pullin'
for you, even you do seem to tied up with some of the worse lawyers in
here in these parts. At least they're Republicans. Appeal, appeal, appeal.

Can't believe it was a George Bush, Sr., judge who treated you so badly.
And a lady judge at that. I thought you gals stuck together better than
that. Don't worry, when George, Jr., becomes president, we'll impeach the
bitch.

I was hoping you would talk some more about ole Bill's pecker. Talk about
getting the Ds around these parts upset: Just mentioning that my Paula will
someday describe his little ole private thing drives =91em crazy.  They
wanna kill us both every time I start telling =91em that my Paula knows all
about their degenerate's deformed pecker.

Your fan in Saddle Sore, Texas
MILTON

------------------------------

Date:    Wed, 22 Apr 1998 09:52:05 -0400
From:    Chalapathi Rao Poduri <chaps@TC4HQ.CMC.STPH.NET>
Subject: Titanic - Have you noticed? <Part 2/2>

TITANIC (1997) : Incorrectly regarded as goofs

The tugs that assisted the Titanic away from the Southampton dock did
belong to the company known today as the Red Funnel Line, but they
had not yet adopted that nickname or colour scheme. As shown in the
film, the actual tugs had beige funnels.

Although the Titanic's fourth smokestack was not an exhaust avenue for
the ship's engines, it was used as an outlet for the Titanic's massive
kitchen. Since the Titanic used coal stoves, some smoke would have
been coming out of the fourth smokestack.  In one of the flyovers of
the ship, it is possible to see that most of the top of the fourth
smokestack is sealed.

It has been stated that the paintings in Rose's room are famous works
that did not go down with Titanic. The paintings were by artists
noted for creating many similar paintings.

Although her fingers partially obscure it, the coin that Rose gives to
Jack is generally agreed to be a Barber dime, minted 1892-1916. The
Barber dime is distinctive because the portrait of Liberty on the head
of the coin faces the right, not the left.

After the iceberg is spotted, First Officer Murdoch bellows a helm
order: "Hard-a-starboard!" But Quartermaster Hichens, manning the
wheel, turns the wheel counter-clockwise, or to port. At first glance
this would seem to be a mistake. The order itself, "Hard-a-
starboard," was a holdover from earlier days when the tiller of a
ship would be used to control the rudder. Pushing the tiller to the
right (starboard) would cause the ship to turn to the left(port). So
a turn to port was ordered by calling "hard-a- starboard."Sources
differ on which way the wheel had to be turned to actually carry out
this order. Director James Cameron is on the record as being aware of
the possible confusion that turning the wheel in the "wrong"
direction might create, but decided to include it to be as accurate
as possible.

There is much disagreement over the last song played by the band
before the ship sank. Wallace Hartley's family firmly believe that it
was "Nearer My God to Thee" as shown in the film, and indeed had this
inscription placed on his tombstone, as do the majority of witnesses.
According to Junior Wireless Operator Harold Bride, the band played
the song "Songe d'Automne",which has some similar sections.

The lifeboats for RMS Titanic were in fact labeled "SS Titanic". This
is verified by a photograph which appears on page 718 of National
Geographic Magazine Vol. 168 no. 6 (December 1985).
			----------------------

Fourteen years before the Titanic sailed and met its doom, a novel by
name "Futility" was published. This novel was about an unsinkable and
glamorous Atlantic liner, the largest in the world. The liner's
similarity to Titanic in all aspects was striking. In the novel too,
on a cold April night, the fictional "unsinkable" vessel strikes an
iceberg and sinks in the Atlantic ( Fourteen years later, the Titanic
also struck an iceberg on a cold April night and sunk in the Atlantic
!). In this novel by the author Morgan Robertson, what was the name
of the fictional liner ?


THE LINER WAS INCIDENTALLY CALLED AS 'The Titan' in the novel ...

Rather strange coincidence I am sure you would agree! Serendipity!

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End of HUMOR Digest - 21 Apr 1998 to 22 Apr 1998
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