HUMOR Digest - 20 Apr 1998 to 21 Apr 1998
There are 7 messages totalling 352 lines in this issue.

Topics of the day:

  1. College <some adult humor>
  2. Let me explain... (adult)
  3. Bill Clinton's new adventures <adult, off. to Clinton fans>
  4. Golf:  The Pope and Netanyahu (not offensive)
  5. NEW VIRUS ALERT <this is no Joking Matter!!!>
  6. Puns: Mergers & The Archeologists
  7. Titanic - Have you noticed ? <Part 1/2>

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Date:    Mon, 20 Apr 1998 03:34:12 -0400
From:    Jim Moore Jr <jimjr@QIS.NET>
Subject: College <some adult humor>

Every Member Update:  Week 1: +102  Week 2: +103  Week 3: + 38
                      (new members)
=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=

* The average college student in the US goes thru approximately
  210 books in his/her four years.  Surprisingly enuff, about
  78% of them aren't bank books either.
                                - - - - -

* The football coach at the University of Maryland raised a few
  eyebrows this year.  He overdrew his unlimited expense account.
                                - - - - -

* Coed: Will you love me forever ?
  Beau: I'd like to, but I have a 9:00 class in the morning.
                                - - - - -

* They called her "Alma Mater" because she educated a lot of guys.
                                - - - - -

* I'm not saying that colleges have lowered their standards or
  anything since I was there.  But I did note that two or three
  of the major universities are now advertising themselves as
  "remedial high schools".
                                - - - - -

* A college commencement is when the real world beckons to all the
  graduates.  Depending on their majors though, it's not always
  with the correct finger.
                                - - - - -

* The US Naval Academy has always conducted tests on the honor
  system.  A spokesman said the new procedure where the Middies
  now sit three rows apart, in alternate rows is only to give
  them more elbow room.
                                - - - - -

* So many colleges these days lower their admission requirements
  saying they have need of a specific type of student.  What they
  don't say is these students are all football/basketball players.

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Date:    Mon, 20 Apr 1998 07:16:52 -0400
From:    Terry Galan <galante@MCMAIL.CIS.MCMASTER.CA>
Subject: Let me explain... (adult)

 A kid comes home from school and says to his mom, "Mom I've got a
 problem." She says, "Tell me." He tells her that the boys at school are
 using two words he doesn't  understand. She asks him what are they. He
 says "well, pussy and bitch." She says, "Oh that's no big deal, pussy is
 a cat like our little Mittens, and bitch is a female dog like our Sandy."

 He thanks her and goes to visit dad in the workshop in the basement. He
 says to his dad, "Dad the boys at school are using words I don't  know
 and I asked mom and I don't think she told me the exact meaning." Dad
 says, "Son, I told you never to go to mom with these matters, she can't
 handle them.  What are the words?" He tells him...pussy and bitch.  Dad
 says, "OK," and pulls a Playboy down from the shelf, takes a marker and
 circles the pubic area of the centerfold and says, "son, everything
 inside this circle is pussy."

 "OK, dad, so what's a bitch?"
 "Son," he says, "everything outside that circle."

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Date:    Mon, 20 Apr 1998 16:40:55 +0300
From:    Wezz the Warlock <wtw@DLC.FI>
Subject: Bill Clinton's new adventures <adult, off. to Clinton fans>

  When visiting Argentina, Bill Clinton was offered a book by a local
reporter, who does this kind of stuff. The book was Kama Sutra. Clinton
looked at the cover and gave the book back.

 Not-so-releable witnesses have reported that while handing the book back
Clinton mumbled: "Seen that. Done that. Been there."

  But the story isn't over yet. Another reporter gave Bill a saxofone.
Billy boy didn't take that one either, perhaps commenting:
 "Sorry, I'm not into that kind of blowing anymore"


http://www.dlc.fi/~wtw/

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Date:    Mon, 20 Apr 1998 10:00:18 -0700
From:    Charles Maxson <cmaxson@GRAND-CANYON.EDU>
Subject: Golf:  The Pope and Netanyahu (not offensive)

The Pope met with his cardinals to discuss a proposal from Benjamin
Netanyahu, the leader of Israel.

"Your Holiness" said one of the Cardinals, "Mr. Netanyahu wants to
challenge you to a game of golf to show the friendship and ecumenical
spirit shared by the Jewish and Catholic faiths."

The Pope thought is was a good idea, but he had never held a golf club
in his hand.  "Have we not," he asked "a cardinal who can represent me
against the leader of Israel?"

"None that plays golf very well," a cardinal said. "But," he added,
"there is a man named Jack Nicklas, an American golfer who is a devout
Catholic.  We can offer to make him a cardinal; then ask him to play
Benjamin Netanyahu as your personal representative.  In addition to
showing our spirit of cooperation, we'll also win the match."

Everyone agreed it was a good idea.

The call was made.  Of course, Nicklaus was honored and agreed to play.

The day after the match, Nicklaus reported to the Vatican to inform the
Pope of the result.  "I have some good news and some bad news, Your
Holiness," said the world-class golfer.

"Tell me the good news first, Cardinal Nicklaus," said the Pope.

"Well, Your Holiness, I don't like to brag, but even though I've played
some pretty terrific rounds of golf in my life, this was the best I have
ever played, by far.  I must have been inspired from above.  My drives
were long and true, my irons were accurate and purposeful and my putting
was perfect.  With all due respect, my play was truly miraculous."

"There's bad news?" the Pope asked.

Nicklaus sighed.  "I lost to Rabbi Woods by three strokes."

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Date:    Mon, 20 Apr 1998 13:44:36 -0400
From:    JIM MICA OFFICE OF ADMISSION ITHACA COLLEGE <JMICA@OA.ITHACA.EDU>
Subject: NEW VIRUS ALERT <this is no Joking Matter!!!>

My younger brother sent me this virus warning the other day.  I felt
it was so important I'm sending it along to all of you on the list.
=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=
POSTMASTER GENERAL WARNING...

The Postmaster General released a warning last Wednesday concerning a
matter of major importance to anyone who ever uses the USPS.
Apparently, a new paper virus has been engineered by someone at
Dartmouth that is unparalleled in its destructive capability.

What makes this virus so terrifying, said the U.S. Postal Service, is
the fact that no genetic material needs to be exchanged for someone new
to be infected.  It can be spread through the existing mail systems of
the world.  Once a person is infected, one of several things can
happen.  If the person has a sex drive, that will most likely be
destroyed.  If the virus is not stopped, it can place the person's
nervous system in an nth-complexity infinite binary loop -- which can
severely damage neurons if it is not stopped before long.
Unfortunately, most novice mail users will not realize what is happening
before it is too late.

Luckily, there is one sure means of detecting what is now known as the
"Million Dollar" virus.  It always travels to new hosts the same way:
in a large envelope with the text "You May Have Already Won One Million
Dollars" on the envelope.

Avoiding infection is easy once the letter has been received -- don't
read it.  The act of opening the envelope releases pheromones that cause
a hypnotic-like response as the virus takes over the reader's central
nervous system.  The virus is highly intelligent -- it will force the
victim to make copies of itself and mail them to everyone whose mailing
address is contained in an address book or on a piece of received mail,
if it can find one.  It will then proceed to trash the nervous system it
has taken over.

The bottom line here is -- if you receive a piece of mail with "You May
Have Already Won One Million Dollars" on it, throw it out immediately!
Do not read it!  Rest assured that whoever's name was in the return
address was surely struck by the virus.

Warn your friends and local mail users of this newest threat to their
health!  It could save them a lot of time and money.

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Date:    Mon, 20 Apr 1998 18:33:04 -0800
From:    Stan Kegel <kegel@FEA.NET>
Subject: Puns: Mergers & The Archeologists

There has long been a rumor that W. R. Grace Co. was going to buy the
Fuller Brush Co. and Mary Kay Cosmetics and then merge with the Hale
Business Systems. This would result in the new mega-corporate entity
known as ... "Hale Mary Fuller Grace." ...

Don't forget the failed merger between Yahoo and Netscape. ...
Net'n'yahoo. ... It didn't work out because they were afraid they would
have to relocate the headquarters ... Intel aviv.
 (Both by Gary Hollack)

A great number of years ago there was a proposed merger between
Fairchild Electronics and Honeywell Computers. Rumor had it that the new
company would be called ... Fairwell Honeychild. (By P. C. Swanson)

Two archeologists, exploring a remote mountain in Tibet came across a
huge granite statue which resembled a sitting man. It stood almost 400
foot tall, and its bodily details were accurate down to the fingernails
and teeth. "It looks real enough to talk," says one. "Lets try," says
the other and turning to the statue asks it its name. No answer. "How
old are you?" No answer. Finally. one shouts out, "What is the square
root of 64?" Suddenly, the mountain shakes as the giant statue rise onto
its feet and puts it's hand on it's chin. Then after about ten seconds,
the statue answers in a roaring voice, "Eight."   Of course,  says the
scientist, ... "It only stands to reason."

------------------------------

Date:    Tue, 21 Apr 1998 09:43:48 -0400
From:    Chalapathi Rao Poduri <chaps@TC4HQ.CMC.STPH.NET>
Subject: Titanic - Have you noticed ? <Part 1/2>

So much for the ruckus about Ben-Hur,the chariot race and that lil
car in the background...

GOOFS FOR TITANIC (1997)

Continuity
Jack won his ticket by beating 2 pair with a full house.  However,
when we first see Jack's hand, he has nothihg that could be made
in to a full house, and only draws one card.

Revealing mistakes
A strip of desert is visible between the dock and the Titanic when
docked at Southampton.

Anachronisms
Jack claims to have gone ice fishing on Lake Wissota, which wasn't
created until five years after the Titanic sank.
Jacks claims to have visited the Santa Monica Pier, which did not
begin construction until 1916.
The pipe frames supporting the third class berths have set-screw speed
rail fittings, not developed until 1946.

Continuity
In the scene where Jack is teaching Rose to spit, there is no spit on
his chin as he starts to turn around to face the ladies, but by the
time he has completed his turn he has some on his chin.

The main characters have lunch in the Palm Court/Verandah on A Deck.
These were not used for dining, although passengers could order tea
or a small snack.
Cal orders lamb with mint sauce for himself and Rose. Lamb was only
available for dinner on the ship, while mutton was reserved for
lunch. The lamb was prepared in the D-Deck galley and would not have
been served in the Palm Court.

Revealing mistakes
While Jack and Rose are walking on the promenade the day after he
rescues her, a small hill with a building on it is visible over
Jack's shoulder and above the ship.

Continuity
Jack takes Rose and Molly's arms to go into dinner. They start
walking, but in the next shot they are still standing apart.

Factual errors
The worship services held at 10:30 on Sunday April 14th, 1912, in the
First Class Dining Room were open to all passengers of the ship.

Anachronisms
"Eternal Father Strong To Save" is sung during the worship service;
the verse that begins "Lord, guard and guide the men who fly/ Through
the great spaces  in the sky" was written by Mary C. D. Hamilton in
1915.

Factual errors
During the scene when Rose "flies" from the ship's bow, the sunlight
is clearly falling almost exactly straight across the ship from left
to right.
On the evening of the 14th, the ship would be steaming somewhere
between WSW and SW; the lighting in the movie would indicate that the
sun is between  SSE and SE, when it actually would have been between
W and WNW.

Factual errors
Workers in the Titanic's engine room had to wear thick protective
clothing to shield them from the heat generated by the engines.

Anachronisms
The gauges in the engine room are fitted with sweated tubing fittings,
a plumbing technique not available when the ship was constructed. The
fittings should have been threaded brass.

Factual errors
There was no door between boiler room 6 and the cargo area (and no
access to any but authorized crew). If there had been a door, it
would have entered the third cargo area aft, not the one where the
Renault was stored.

When Captain Smith enters the wheelhouse, the ship's telegraph is set
to "Full Reverse" instead of "All Stop".

Factual errors
First Officer Murdoch did not shoot anyone, including himself.
It is impossible for voices to echo in the middle of the North
Atlantic unless there is a large, flat object like a ship nearby.

Tomorrow:Incorrectly regarded goofs!

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End of HUMOR Digest - 20 Apr 1998 to 21 Apr 1998
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