HUMOR Digest - 19 Apr 1998 to 20 Apr 1998
There are 11 messages totalling 422 lines in this issue.

Topics of the day:

  1. Science Class
  2. Puns: Chinese Wisdom & The Environment
  3. "BAMA" JOKES (off.to folks livin' in Alabama)
  4. Texas Joke
  5. <No subject given>
  6. Gypsies on TV <off. to gypsies>, fishing <off. to reporters>
  7. Dear Paula, part 2 (political satire)
  8. Microwave Peep Jousting <cruelty to Easter candy>
  9. logging math
 10. Generosity <clean>
 11. Puns: Department Store & The Inventor of the Transistor

----------------------------------------------------------------------

Date:    Sun, 19 Apr 1998 02:59:33 -0400
From:    Jim Moore Jr <jimjr@QIS.NET>
Subject: Science Class

*   The class had been discussing the possibility of life in
  our solar system.  One student asked, "If there are people
  on other planets, why don't they contact us ?"
    The teacher looked slowly around the room at the students
  and replied, sweeping his hand, "Would you ?"
                        - - - - -

*   The chemistry teacher was berating the students for not
  learning the Periodic Table of the Elements. She said "Why
  when I was your age I knew both their names and weights."
    One kid popped up, "Yeah... but teach, there were so few
  of them back then."
                        - - - - -

*   One student couldn't be motivated to take an interest in
  science at all.  He said, "I plan to go into the business.
  Name me one thing that science has done to help business."
    The teacher shot back, "And just where would the belt
  industry be without the law of gravity."
                        - - - - -

*   In biology class the teacher was explaining that germs
  always work in large groups.
    The class clown piped up, "That would explain then why
  no one has ever come down with the measle."
                        - - - - -

*   When Stan Kegel was in college, for a class project in
  genetics, he wanted to develop a turkey w/bigger drumsticks.
    Failure after failure resulted, until he finally crossed
  a turkey with an ostrich.
    Its drumsticks were large enuff, but the bird kept hiding
  its head in the yams.

=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=
April is UGA HumorList Month; to subscribe,

Send an e-mail to:  listserv@listserv.uga.edu
leave the subject area blank;
in the BODY of the letter, type:

SUB HUMOR yourfirstname yourlastname

------------------------------

Date:    Sun, 19 Apr 1998 00:21:55 -0800
From:    Stan Kegel <kegel@FEA.NET>
Subject: Puns: Chinese Wisdom & The Environment

A Chinese scholar was lecturing when all the lights in the auditorium
went out. He asked the members of the audience to raise their hands. As
soon as they had all complied, the lights went on again. He then said,
"Prove wisdom of Old Chinese saying: ... 'Many hands make light work.'"


What a sad story about the "little train that couldn't" , carrying the
old napalm from California to Illinois. It had to turn back to
California when the Illinois people said that it might make bad
publicity to recycle an old weapon into heating fuel. Now the napalm
will rejoin the other aging and degrading bits of arsenal stored in an
army base on the west coast. The worst thought is that there are
soldiers whose entire duty is to guard these junked out weapons, and as
everyone knows, ... " a waste is a terrible thing to mind".

------------------------------

Date:    Sun, 19 Apr 1998 10:55:34 -0400
From:    Terry Galan <galante@MCMAIL.CIS.MCMASTER.CA>
Subject: "BAMA" JOKES (off.to folks livin' in Alabama)

 Q: Did you hear about the new 3 Million Dollar Alabama State Lottery?
 A: The winner gets 3 dollars a year for a million years.

 Q: What do a Divorce in Alabama, a Tornado in Kansas, and a Hurricane in
    Florida have in common?
 A: Somebody's fixin' to lose them a trailer house.

 Q: Why do folks from Alabama go to the movie theater in groups of 18 or
    more?
 A: 17 and under not admitted.

 Q: What do you get when you have 32 Alabamians in the same room?
 A: A full set of teeth.

 Q: Why did OJ Simpson want to move to Alabama?
 A: Everyone has the same DNA.

 Q: Did you hear that the governor's mansion in Alabama burned down?
 A: Yep.  Pert'near took out the whole trailer park.
		============================

 A new law was recently passed in Alabama: when a couple gets a divorce,
 they're still brother and sister.
		============================

 Two Alabamians are walking down different ends of a street toward each
 other and one is carrying a sack. When they  meet, one says, "Hey Tommy
 Ray, what'cha got in th' bag?"
 "Jus' some  chickens."
 "If I guess how many there are, can I have one?"
 "Shoot, ya guess right and I'll  give you both of them."
 "OK.  Ummmmm......, five?"
		============================

 An Alabamian came home and found his house on fire, rushed next door,
 telephoned the fire department and shouted, "Hurry over here. My house is
 on fire!"
 "OK," replied the fireman, "how do we get there?"
 "Say, don't you still have those big red trucks?"
		============================

 The Alabamian and his gal were embracing passionately in the front seat
 of the car. "Want to go in the back seat?" she asked.
 "No," he replied. A few  minutes later she asked, "Now do you want to get
 in the back  seat?"
 "No,"  he said again, "I wanna stay here in the front seat with you."
		============================

 An Alabamian hitchhiker was picked up by a guy in a big Lincoln
 Continental. The Alabamian noticed a bunch of golf tees on the front seat
 and asked, "What are those things for?" The driver  said,  "They're to
 hold my balls when I drive."
 "Boy," exclaimed the Alabamian, "these Lincoln Continentals have
 everything, don't they?"

------------------------------

Date:    Sun, 19 Apr 1998 12:52:42 -0400
From:    "Dexter E. Gulledge" <gulledge@MAIL.PTDPROLOG.NET>
Subject: Texas Joke

* After a long day of listening to a Texan brag, a New Yorker decided to
show the Texan
  the Empire State Building.  When the Texan but down New York's well-know
landmark by saying
  "Heck, that's nothing. In Texas, we have outhouses bigger than that!"  The
New Yorker, reponded, "You need them!"

------------------------------

Date:    Sun, 19 Apr 1998 12:21:43 -0500
From:    "Ramon G. Clark" <ramonclark@JUNO.COM>
Subject: <No subject given>

	[Mis-sent subscription request deleted for Archival Purposes]

------------------------------

Date:    Sun, 19 Apr 1998 22:42:55 +0300
From:    Wezz the Warlock <wtw@DLC.FI>
Subject: Gypsies on TV <off. to gypsies>, fishing <off. to reporters>

Last year a TV-station here in Finland aired a series about the life of
modern gypsies. It portrayed their life as a violent struggle against each
other.

Now, many of the Finnish gypsies were angried by this, and sent death
threats to the makers of the series claiming that they aren't violent...
              ----------------------------------------

A Canadian research reveals that catch-and-release fishing does not only
hurt the fish's mouth, but also it's spine, due to the struggle it must go
through.

Well, maybe people should just start fishing newsreporters then, everyone
knows they have no spine..


http://www.dlc.fi/~wtw/

------------------------------

Date:    Sun, 19 Apr 1998 16:18:21 -0400
From:    George Hughes <hughie@MINDSPRING.COM>
Subject: Dear Paula, part 2 (political satire)

(Fan mail addressed to Paula Corbin Jones)

Dear Paula,

Bless you! You are the model of Christian virtue and charity. May God
continue to bless you as you help Him and Judge Starr bring that Satanist
Bill Clinton and his lesbian wife to justice.

We pray for you by name each Sunday at the Friendliness Church of the Holy
Ghost. We have lovely showroom building one-half mile north of the city
limits on state highway 145, just where the four lanes end. You should
visit us the next time to come North Carolina. I live across the highway
from the church building in the New Bluebird Mobile Home City. My home is
the only pink and light green one; it is across from the cesspool.

My live-in boyfriend, Jesus, says you can stay with us. We're going to get
married once he finished community college, gets a good job, and joins the
church. He's a good boy. You'd like him. Don't worry, we wouldn't expect
you to send us a wedding gift.

Well, Paula, I need some advice. I have two lovely little girls, just the
same ages as your little boys. Unfortunately, I'm pregnant again and the
father wants me to get an abortion and refuses to consider providing
support if I don't. He's the minister of music at the church. I realize he
can't marry me because he has a wife and four children. Anyway, I'm happy
waiting for Jesus. I think the church should help me, but they refuse. One
big mouth church lady called me trailer park trash. She doesn't have any
room to talk. She lives in an unfinished  Jim Walter house on a lot next to
the city dump and I happen to know she sleeps more with the high school
custodian's boy than she does with her third husband.

Now I've written the Rutherford foundation asking for help. I've written
three times and not once have they written back. I thought that they would
want to help a good Christian lady like me get a good settlement. I thought
they were dedicated to protecting the rights of Christian women against
dirty ole men.

Do those Rutherford people only help you if the man is a Democrat? When I
asked the Democratic mayor to help me, I gave him my best come hither look.
He didn't even blow me a kiss. He ordered me to pull my panties back up and
ordered me out of his office. A good Christian Republican woman shouldn't
have to take that kind of treatment from a Democrat. It's like these dumb
Democrat don't realize that we have a man like Do you think your lawyers
can make a sexual harassment case out of that. The Federal judges in NC are
all Republicans. The mayor, he's a black man, told me to get out of his
office.. She said I wasn't a citizen of his city and that if I needed
welfare, perhaps the county public assistance office could help. I think
that's discrimination.

Write soon. I think I'm going to get let go at the tobacco plant once they
find out that I'm pregnant.

Daisy Somerseat Moore

------------------------------

Date:    Sun, 19 Apr 1998 20:12:28 -0400
From:    Barry Johnson <barryj@TECHNOLOGIST.COM>
Subject: Microwave Peep Jousting <cruelty to Easter candy>

Now that Easter is over, and all that Easter candy is 50% off, it's time to
unveil the newest sport of the season:

Microwave Peep Jousting is the latest craze among trailer park people, and
kooky grandmothers all over the world.  The process to observe this new
sport is simple.

1)  Buy a package of Peeps (Marshmallow candy creatures covered in sugar).
Bunnies can't be used, use the chicks instead.  Also purchase a box of
toothpicks

2)  Insert two toothpicks into the peep's "chest"

3)  Place two Peeps about 1 1/2 toothpick length apart, facing each other,
then turn on the microwave.

Don't leave them in too long because melted marshmallow is impossible to
get out of  a microwave.


http://www.geocities.com/SouthBeach/Pier/5132

------------------------------

Date:    Sun, 19 Apr 1998 19:41:21 -0800
From:    Steven & Susan <sgarrett@NWRAIN.COM>
Subject: logging math

TEACHING MATH
                          - Submitted by Phil Kiracofe
                        ------------------------------------
Teaching Math in 1950:
A logger sells a truckload of lumber for $100. His cost of production
is 4/5 of the price. What is    his profit?

Teaching Math in 1960:
A logger sells a truckload of lumber for $100. His cost of production
is 4/5 of the price, or $80. What is his profit?

Teaching Math in 1970:
A logger exchanges a set "L" of lumber for a set "M" of money. The
cardinality of set "M" is 100. Each element is worth one dollar. The
set "C", the cost of production contains 20 fewer points than set
What is the cardinality of the set "P" of profits?

Teaching Math in 1980:
A logger sells a truckload of lumber for $100. His cost of production
is $80 and his profit is $20. Your assignment: Underline the number 20.

Teaching Math in 1990:
By cutting down beautiful forest trees, the logger makes $20. What do
you think of this way of making a living? Topic for class participation
after answering the question? How did the forest birds and squirrels
feel as the logger cut down the trees? There are no wrong answers.

Teaching Math in 1996:
By laying off 402 of its loggers, a company improves its stock price
from $80 to $100. How much capital gain per share does the CEO make by
exercising his stock options at $80. Assume capital gains are no longer
taxed, because this encourages investment.

Teaching Math in 1997:
A company outsources all of its loggers. They save on benefits and
when demand for their product is down the logging work force can easily
be cut back. The average logger employed by the company earned $50,000,
had 3 weeks vacation, received a nice retirement plan and medical
insurance. The contracted logger charges $50 an hour. Was outsourcing a
good move?

Teaching Math in 1998:
A logging company exports its wood-finishing jobs to its Indonesian
subsidiary and lays off the corresponding half of its US workers (the
higher-paid half). It clear-cuts 95% of the forest, leaving the rest
for the spotted owl, and lays off all its remaining US workers. It tells
the workers that the spotted owl is responsible for the absence of
fellable trees and lobbies Congress for  exemption from the Endangered
Species Act. Congress instead exempts the company from all federal
regulation. What is the return on investment of the lobbying.

steven

------------------------------

Date:    Mon, 20 Apr 1998 10:39:10 -0400
From:    Chalapathi Rao Poduri <chaps@TC4HQ.CMC.STPH.NET>
Subject: Generosity <clean>

One afternoon, a man was riding in the back of his limousine when he saw
two men eating grass by the road side.  He ordered his driver to stop and
he got out to investigate.
"Why are you eating grass?", he asked one man.
We don't have any money for food", the poor man replied.
"Oh, come along with me then."
But sir, I have a wife with two children!"
Bring them along! And you, come with too!", he said to the other man.
But sir, I have a wife with six children!", the second man answered.
Bring them as well!"
They all climbed into the car, which was no easy task, even for a car as
large as the limo.  Once underway, one of the poor fellows says sir, you
are too kind.  Thank you for taking all of us with you."
The rich man replied  "No, you don't understand, the grass at my home is
about two metres tall!"

------------------------------

Date:    Sun, 19 Apr 1998 22:46:34 -0800
From:    Stan Kegel <kegel@FEA.NET>
Subject: Puns: Department Store & The Inventor of the Transistor

I was hired to modernize the town's only department store. I had to
convince them that it was financially sound to add escalators, even
though they had adequate elevators. Every successful department store
executive should know that elevators ... have their ups and downs, ...
but escalators ... are a step in the right direction.

My bigggest error was to recommend they redo the front in imported
marble. Everybody .... took it for granite.


The transistor was invented on Christmas Day, 1948, by Emily Gerund, a
high school teacher of English from Boston, Massachusetts, who was
serving a 20 years-to-life sentence in the state penitentiary for
throwing her husband's coat under a speeding truck. The judge was rather
severe with her because her husband was still in the coat at the time.
The Governor of the state owned an electronics firm and so was able to
provide surplus vacuum tubes to the prisoners so that they could
decorate their Christmas trees. Now Emily had an extremely tiny tree,
much too small for a string of SV6s or even for a single QL4. But she
just happened to find some germanium crystals lying around. She stuck
three wires in each one and used them to decorate her tree. She was
quite surprised when after she completed the tree, it started picking up
the Jack Benny Show. The Governor, upon learning about this and
realizing its implications, immediately rushed to the prison and offered
the English teacher a full pardon in exchange for the manufacturing
rights to her invention. "Of course, Governor," she replied. ... "In
this case, I'll be glad to let you end a sentence with a proposition."

------------------------------

End of HUMOR Digest - 19 Apr 1998 to 20 Apr 1998
************************************************

