HUMOR Digest - 18 Apr 1998 to 19 Apr 1998
There are 6 messages totalling 287 lines in this issue.

Topics of the day:

  1. The Concession Truck & The Gourmet (Puns)
  2. (Dis)Order in the Court <some adult humor>
  3. A Couple of Smiles (adult)
  4. Questions <offensive to all and esp. cabbies>
  5. Church Bulletin Bloopers (oldie but goodie)
  6. Tooth paste

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Date:    Fri, 17 Apr 1998 23:58:47 -0800
From:    Stan Kegel <kegel@FEA.NET>
Subject: The Concession Truck & The Gourmet (Puns)

Dora Evans made a nice living running her mobile concession truck. She
would find out where the local movie company was shooting on location
and park her truck, which she called simply "The Box", near-by.
Technicians and actors alike would stop by for some pastry and coffee
during breaks from shooting. This was the day that the director was
shooting the most important scene in the movie. In this scene the lovers
walking along a deserted beach decide to break off their relationship
and return to their respective spouses to live the rest of their lives
with only the memory of their short interlude to comfort them in the
years ahead. He had shot the scene several times in order to insure that
he had obtained the most dramatic effect. That evening, on reviewing the
daily takes, he was shocked to find every take was spoiled. As the stars
were talking, the camera swept around the surrounding loneliness of the
empty beach. But in every take, there was the concession truck with
several people enjoying its wares. He immediately called his
cinematographer and shouted angerly, "I told you never to ... pan Dora's
Box."
(By Lee Daniel Quinn and Stan Kegel )


A man went to his dentist because he feels something wrong in his mouth.
The dentist examines him and says, "that new upper plate I put in for
you six months ago is eroding. What have you been eating?" The man
replies, "all I can think of is that about four months ago my wife made
some asparagus and put some stuff on it that was delicious ...
Hollandaise sauce. I loved it so much I now put it on everything ---
meat, toast, fish, vegetables, everything." "Well," says the dentist,
"that's probably the problem. Hollandaise sauce is made with lots of
lemon juice, which is highly corrosive. It's eaten away your upper
plate. I'll make you a new plate, and this time use chrome." "Why
chrome?" asks the patient. To which the dentist replies, "It's simple.
Everyone knows that ... there's no plate like chrome for the
Hollandaise!"

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Date:    Sat, 18 Apr 1998 03:20:08 -0400
From:    Jim Moore Jr <jimjr@QIS.NET>
Subject: (Dis)Order in the Court <some adult humor>

* Judge: "Have you anything to offer to this Court before
          I pass sentence ?"
  Defendant: "No your honor, my lawyer took every penny."
                        - - - - -

* Then there was the nymphomaniac who got herself arrested
  so she could be tried by the jury.
                        - - - - -

* Speaking of juries (I was) to show ya how far apathy has
  gone, last month in Howard County Circuit Court a jury
  of Yuppies and Yuppettes was asked by the Judge if they
  had reached a verdict.  The foreman stood-up and replied,
  "We, the Jury, find that we don't want to get involved."
                        - - - - -

* If you think about the American System of justice for a
  moment, you'll never request a trial by jury.  I mean,
  who wants their fate decided by 12 strangers not smart
  enuff to get out of jury duty.
                        - - - - -

* This is probably the only country in the world anyway where
  they lock up the jury and send the guilty party home.
                        - - - - -

* During the divorce proceedings the wife said, "And that your
  Honor is my side of the story...  Now let me tell you his."
                        - - - - -

* The Judge called the death row prisoner into his chambers.
  "I'm afraid that clemency is out of the question in your
  case.  The Governor just got indicted."

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Date:    Sat, 18 Apr 1998 10:55:39 -0400
From:    Terry Galan <galante@MCMAIL.CIS.MCMASTER.CA>
Subject: A Couple of Smiles (adult)

 A man was walking on the sidewalk and noticed up ahead that Little
 Johnny was wearing a red fireman's hat and sitting in a red wagon. It
 appeared that the wagon was being pulled very slowly by a large German
 Shepherd. When he got closer to the lad, he noticed that Little Johnny
 had a rope tied around the dog's testicles, which probably accounted for
 why the dog was walking so gingerly.

 Smiling, he spoke to the little boy, "That's really a nice fire engine
 you have there, son. But I'll bet the dog would pull you faster if you
 tied that rope around his neck."

 "Yeah, sure" Little Johnny replied, "but then I wouldn't have a siren."
			--------------------------------

 An explorer in the deepest Amazon suddenly finds himself surrounded by
 a bloodthirsty group of natives. Upon surveying the situation, he says
 quietly to himself "Oh God, I'm screwed!!!!!."

 There is a ray of light from heaven and a voice booms out: "No, you are
 NOT screwed. Pick up that stone at your feet and bash in the head of the
 chief standing in front of you." So the explorer picks up the stone and
 proceeds to bash the living heck out of the chief.

 As he stands above the lifeless body, breathing heavily and surrounded by
 100 natives with a look of shock on their faces, Gods voice booms out
 again: "Okay ..... NOW you're screwed!!!"

------------------------------

Date:    Sat, 18 Apr 1998 18:13:12 +0300
From:    George Anagnostopoulos <firefly@HOL.GR>
Subject: Questions <offensive to all and esp. cabbies>

Dedicated to all the Greek taxi-drivers:

A mother with her little son take a cab to the zoo. Once inside the cab, the
little boy sees a dog outside and asks his mother with his reedy voice:
- Mommy, if you were a dog and duddy was a dog too, what would I be now?
- You'd be a puppy, dear.

Later on, the boy sees a cat:
- Mommy, if you were a cat and duddy was a cat too, what would I be now?
- You'd be a kitten, dear.

The taxi driver hates the boy's high-pitch voice so decides to ask something
to make him stop talking. So he asks:
- So little boy, if you mother was a hooker and you father was a pimp, was
would you be now?
- Uhm... a taxi driver, I guess, sir!

* Old age is when a broad mind and a narrow waist trade places.


George Anagnostopoulos
BA Business Studies,
Univ of Glamorgan

------------------------------

Date:    Sat, 18 Apr 1998 16:50:13 -0400
From:    Gwendolyn E Eckman <geckman@POLARIS.UMUC.EDU>
Subject: Church Bulletin Bloopers (oldie but goodie)

 1. "Scouts are saving aluminum cans, bottles, and other items to be
     recycled. Proceeds will be used to cripple children."

 2. "Ushers will eat latecomers."

 3. "The Ladies Bible Study will be held Thursday morning at 10. All ladies
     are invited to lunch in the Fellowship Hall after the B.S. is done."

 4. "The Pastor would appreciate it if the ladies of the congregation would
     lend him their electric girdles for the pancake breakfast next Sunday
     morning."

 5. "The audience is asked to remain seated until the end of the
     recession."

 6. "Low Self-Esteem Support Group will meet Thursday at 7 to 8:30 PM.
     Please use the back door."

 7. "Pastor is on vacation. Massages can be given to church secretary."

 8. "The third verse of Blessed Assurance will be sung without musical
     accomplishment."

 9. "The Rev. Merriwether spoke briefly, much to the delight of the
     audience."

 10. "The pastor will preach his farewell message, after which the choir
     will sing, 'Break Forth Into Joy.'"

 11. "Next Sunday Mrs. Vinson will be soloist for the morning service.  The
     pastor will then speak on 'It's a Terrible Experience'."

 12. "Due to the Rector's illness, Wednesday's healing services will be
     discontinued until further notice."

 13. "Weight Watchers will meet at 7 PM.  Please use large double door at
     the side entrance."

 14. "Remember in prayer the many who are sick of our church and community."

 15. "The eighth graders will be presenting Shakespeare's Hamlet in the
     church basement on Friday at 7 PM.  The congregation is invited to
     attend this tragedy."

 16. "A song fest was hell at the Methodist church Wednesday."

 17. "Today's Sermon: 'How Much Can a Man Drink?' with hymns from a full
     choir."

 18. On a church bulletin during the minister's illness: "God is good -Dr.
     Hargreaves is better."

 19. "Potluck supper: prayer and medication to follow."

 20. "The outreach committee has enlisted 25 visitors to make calls on
     people who are not afflicted with any church."

 21. "Eight new choir robes are currently needed, due to the addition of
     several new members and to the deterioration of some older ones."

 22. "The choir invites any member of the congregation who enjoys sinning to
     join the choir."

------------------------------

Date:    Sat, 18 Apr 1998 23:57:25 +0300
From:    Wezz the Warlock <wtw@DLC.FI>
Subject: Tooth paste

One day here I went to buy a tooth brush. I walked to the section of tooth
brushes here in one of our local supermarkets, and found tooth brushes by
three different manufacturers. I chose the one whose tooth paste I also use.

But it wasn't over yet, oh no. There were two models provided by this
manufacturer, called "Professional" and "Contact". No what the hell do
those mean?! Does professional mean I have to be a professional to use it,
or that it is good enough for professional use, or is the name just a
stupid sales ploy to sell stuff which had a cool name? And what about
Contact then? Does it mean that Professional has no contact to the teeth,
or that Contact has better contact, or that it's just another stupid name?
And to make things even more complicated, there was a totally own rack for
Professional, while the others shared a rack; but there were Professionals
at the common rack, too.

And what about hardness then? There were four types of Professional : extra
soft, soft, medium and hard. The extra soft ones were available only on the
Professionals own rack. But there only were two types of Contact : soft and
medium. Now, does this mean that they have a different scale? Why no hards
of extra softs of Contact? Are they so good that they have been sold out,
or are they so bad that they have never been ordered in?

Contacts cost almost twice as much as Professionals. Does this mean it is
twice as good, or just twice as expensive to manufacture? On the
Professional's package was the word "New", and on the Contact's there
wasn't. Does this mean that Professional is easier to manufacture now or
just stripped of the expensive parts?

Of course, I had to choose color, too. Well, that was easy. I will NOT buy
a pink tooth brush, and they were mostly white, just some parts had
different colors.

Well, I ended up choosing blue medium Professional. It only took 10
minutes. Lucky I wasn't buying socks.


* "We are ready for an unforeseen event that may or may not occur."
                   -Former U.S. Vice-President Dan Quayle

http://www.dlc.fi/~wtw/

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End of HUMOR Digest - 18 Apr 1998 to 19 Apr 1998
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