HUMOR Digest - 17 Apr 1998 to 18 Apr 1998
There are 9 messages totalling 484 lines in this issue.

Topics of the day:

  1. American Indians
  2. More One Liners (not off.)
  3. Student's Guide To Boston
  4. No problem [no off]
  5. US Post Office (aka US Postal Disservice)
  6. Dear Paula, fan mail <political satire>
  7. Semi-silly comments and questions about contemporary life
  8. Surd-Times : The Train,The Introduction <adult>
  9. In The News - Humorous News Quips

----------------------------------------------------------------------

Date:    Fri, 17 Apr 1998 02:50:56 -0400
From:    Jim Moore Jr <jimjr@QIS.NET>
Subject: American Indians

* Nobody tells jokes about American Indians anymore.  With
  today's politically correct crap, there'd be protests all
  over the damn place. Well, I happen to like both Indians
  and Indian jokes.  I even met an beautiful Indian Maiden
  once and took a chance on her blanket.
                        - - - - -

* Actually most of the problems between the "White Man" and the
  Indians are their own fault anyway.  If they would have had
  sticker immigration laws, none of this would have started in
  the first place.
                        - - - - -

* The "White Man" claims this country was founded in 1776.
  The Indians want to know just when it was ever losted.
                        - - - - -

* Never order a Manhattan in an Indian-owned bar.
  They'll charge ya $24.00 for it.
                        - - - - -

* One thing does puzzle the Indians though.  They're the only
  people whom we've ever defeated in war that didn't come out
  of it a whole lot better off.
                        - - - - -

*   A movie company went on location in southern Utah.  Because
  the weather there changes every 10 seconds, a local shaman was
  hired to tell the producer what the weather would be that week.
    The shaman did well for a week but on the 8th day was not
  able to come up with any forecast at all.
    The producer asked, "What happened to your magical powers
  there Chief ?"
    The shaman shrugged and answered, "Computer down."

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------------------------------

Date:    Fri, 17 Apr 1998 07:14:08 -0400
From:    Terry Galan <galante@MCMAIL.CIS.MCMASTER.CA>
Subject: More One Liners (not off.)

 * If Barbie is so popular, why do you have to buy her friends?
 * Corduroy pillows: They're making headlines!
 * I drive way too fast to worry about cholesterol
 * I couldn't repair your brakes, so I made your horn louder.
 * Depression is merely anger without enthusiasm
 * Eagles may soar, but weasels don't get sucked into jet engines
 * Early bird gets the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese
 * I'm not cheap, but I am on special this week
 * I almost had a psychic girlfriend but she left me before we met
 * I intend to live forever - so far, so good
 * I love defenseless animals, especially in a good gravy
 * If you ain't makin' waves, you ain't kickin' hard enough!
 * Mental backup in progress - Do Not Disturb!
 * Mind Like A Steel Trap - Rusty And Illegal In 37 States
 * Quantum Mechanics: The dreams stuff is made of.
 * Support bacteria - they're the only culture some people have
 * Televangelists: The Pro Wrestlers of religion.
 * The only substitute for good manners is fast reflexes.
 * When everything's coming your way, you're in the wrong lane.
 * Ambition is a poor excuse for not having enough sense to be lazy.
 * If I worked as much as others, I would do as little as they.
 * Beauty is in the eye of the beer holder ...
 * 24 hours in a day ... 24 beers in a case ... coincidence?
 * If everything seems to be going well, you've overlooked something.
 * Many people quit looking for work when they find a job.
 * When I'm not in my right mind, my left mind gets pretty crowded.
 * What happens if you get scared half to death twice?
 * Energiser Bunny arrested, charged with battery.
 * I poured Spot remover on my dog.  Now he's gone.
 * How do you tell when you run out of invisible ink?
 * Join the Army, meet interesting people, kill them.
 * Laughing stock: cattle with a sense of humor.
 * Wear short sleeves!  Support your right to bare arms!
 * OK, so what's the speed of dark?
 * Black holes are where God divided by zero.
 * All those who believe in psychokinesis raise my hand.
 * I tried sniffing Coke once, but the ice cubes got stuck in my nose.

------------------------------

Date:    Fri, 17 Apr 1998 07:30:48 -0400
From:    Paul Benoit <Paul_Benoit@SPEEDLINE.COOKSON.COM>
Subject: Student's Guide To Boston

[Permission to post the following item that exceeds the 100-line limit
 has been granted by Larry Randall HUMOR co-listowner.]
     ----------------------------------------------

A student's guide to Bawstin for all of you who weren't bon heah
     By John Powers, Globe Staff, 09/11/97

The truth, now. How many of you said "Boston University" to the cabbie
at Logan and ended up at BC? You're right. It wasn't a misunderstanding.
The cabbie knew you weren't bon heah, so he took you for a ride. By now,
you know that nobody in the Hub calls it Boston University.  We don't
really call it the Hub, either, except in headlines. By the time you
graduate, you'll also be able to tell Southie from the South End, know
how to pronounce 'Gloucester' and who should have been at first base
instead of Bill Buckner.

You'll know who the cahdnal is, how to take the T to JP and what the
blinking red light atop the old Hancock Building means in the summer.
And if you're smaht, you'll know how not to get cahded at the packie.
Herewith, a student's survival guide to Bawstin:

How we tok:
We don't speak English. We speak whatever they brought over here from
East Anglia in 1630. The Bawstin accent is basically the broad A and the
dropped R, which we add to words ending in A ; pahster, Cuber, soder. For
the broad A, just open your mouth and say "ah," like the docta tells you.
So car is cah, park is pahk. If you want to talk like the mayah, repeat
after me: "My ahnt takes her bahth at hahpast foah."

When we say:   \    What we mean:
--------------------------------------------------
 bzah          \   odd
 flahwiz       \   roses, etc.
 hahpahst      \   30 minutes after the hour
 Hahwahya?     \   How are you?
 khakis        \   what we staht the cah with
 pissa         \   superb
 retahded      \   silly
 shuah         \   of course
 wikkid        \   extremely
 yiz           \   you (plural)

How we'll know you weren't bon heah:
- You wear a Harvard sweatshirt.
- You cross at a crosswalk.
- You ask directions to "Cheers."
- You order a grinder and a soda.
- You pronounce it "Worchester."
- You walk the Freedom Trail.
- You call it "Copely" Square.
- You go to BU.

Getting around:
Boston is a mishmosh of 17th-century cow paths and 19th-century landfill
penned in by water. You know, "One if by land, two if by sea."
Charlestown? Cahn't get theyah from heah.
And which Warren Street do you want? We have three, plus three Warren
Avenues, three Warren Squares, a Warren Park, and a Warren Place.
Pay no attention to the street names:
There's no school on School Street, no court on Court Street, no dock at
Dock Square, no water on Water Street.
Back Bay streets are in alphabetical odda: Arlington, Berkeley, Clarendon,
Dartmouth. So are South Boston streets: A, B, C, D. If the streets are
named after trees (Walnut, Chestnut, Cedar), you're on Beacon Hill. If
they're named after poets, you're in Wellesley.  Dot is Dorchester, Rozzie
is Roslindale, JP is Jamaica Plain. Readville doesn't exist.

The North-East-South-West thing:
- Southie is South Boston.
- The South End is the South End.
- The North End is east of the West End.
- The West End is no more. A guy named Rappaport got rid of it one night.
- Eastie is East Boston.
- The East End is Boston Harbor.

About our "cuisine":
- Boston cream pie is a cake.
- Frappes have ice cream; milk shakes don't.
- Chowdah does not come with tomatoes.
- Soda is club soda. Pop is Dad. If it's fizzy and flavored, it's tonic.
     When we mean tonic water, we say tonic water.
- Scrod is whatever they tell you it is, usually fish.
     If you paid more than  $6  a pound, you got scrod.
- Brown bread comes in a can. You open both ends, push it out, heat it,
     and eat it with baked beans.
- They're hot dogs. Franks were people who lived in France in the ninth
century.

People without last names:
- Dapper
- Whitey
- Raybo
- Natalie
- Roger
- Julia

Things not to do:
- Don't call it Beantown.
- Don't pahk your cah in Hahvid Yahd. They'll tow it to Meffa.
- Don't swim in the Charles, no matter what Bill Weld tells you.
- Don't sleep in the Common.
- Don't wear orange in Southie on St. Patrick's Day.
- Don't call the mayah "Mumbles." He hates that.
- Don't ask what she's majoring in. You don't care.

Things you should know:
There are two State Houses, two City Halls, two courthouses, two Hancock
buildings. There's also a Boston Latin School and a Boston Latin Academy.
How should we know which one you mean?
Route 128 is also I-95. It is also I-93.
It's the Sox, the Pats (or Patsies), the Seltz, the Broons.
The Harvard Bridge goes to MIT. It's measured in "smoots."
Johnson never should have hit for Willoughby.
The subway doesn't run all night. This isn't Noo Yawk.
Ray Flynn used to be mayah.
It's Comm Ave, Mass Ave and Dot Ave.
Yaz wore 8, Ted wore 9.
The drinking age is 21. If you use a fake ID, make sure it isn't from
Mississippi.
Argeo Paul Cellucci, the governor, is just acting.
To get back to Logan from BC, take the Green Line to the Blue Line - then
grab the bus.

Miscellaneous:
- The Hub:
        A Bostonian once called this city the Hub of the Universe. It was -
in 1775.
- The Big Dig:
       The downtown highway project that's taking longer and costing more
        than it should.  The latest excuse for why traffic here is bzah.
- The old Hancock Building lights are actually a weather forecast:
     Steady blue, clear view/Flashing blue, clouds due.
     Steady red, rain ahead/Flashing red, snow instead.
     - In the summer, flashing red means
         the Sox home game has been called off.

------------------------------

Date:    Fri, 17 Apr 1998 14:13:36 +0200
From:    Theo Legters <tlegters@GLOBALXS.NL>
Subject: No problem [no off]

Goy: Dear Rabbi, I have learned a lot about judaism, its scholars, its
culture, its books. And I discovered that study is very important to you.
But please, answer me this: Why do you, rabbis, always answer a question
with a question?

Rabbi: Why does that bother you?

------------------------------

Date:    Fri, 17 Apr 1998 08:58:50 -0400
From:    "Lara B. Little" <llittle@EMAIL.UNCC.EDU>
Subject: Re: US Post Office (aka US Postal Disservice)

True story: My husband ordered a computer game called "Postal", a
shoot-em-up game named for those wonderful postal workers who inspired the
phrase "going postal". The maker of the game sent 3 copies, none of which
got to us. Finally my huband asked how they were sending it. They answered
the US postal service. My husband asked them to please UPS it this time.
They did, and sure enough, we got it...

------------------------------

Date:    Fri, 17 Apr 1998 11:37:48 -0400
From:    George Hughes <hughie@MINDSPRING.COM>
Subject: Dear Paula, fan mail <political satire>

(Letter to Paula Corbin Jones)

Dear Paula,

        As a member of the Republican Trial Lawyers Association, I rise to
congratulate you on your decision to appeal the dismissal of your sexual
intimidation lawsuit against slick Willie Clinton. Without brave clients
like you, Republicans like me might not be able to make a living suing the
government and government officials.

Someday, very soon, American children will read about Republicans retaking
control of the American Trial Lawyers Association. Your decision to use
good Christian Republican lawyers to destroy the reputation of the Great
Pervert will be a landmark event on that path.

When you write your best selling book about slick Willie attempt to destroy
your reputation, please remember to emphasis the role of the Republican
Trial Lawyers Association. Our motto is, "Sue the government; reduce your
taxes."

If you ever what to go on the Jerry Spring Show, let me know. I'm in the
know and I can get us top dollar. I happen to know Jerry wants you on his
extra special show: "Trailer park virgins who have been raped by a
good-looking boss."

Your Republican Trial Lawyer friend,
E. E. Smith

------------------------------

Date:    Fri, 17 Apr 1998 14:56:31 EST
From:    Bill Edwards <EDWARDS_BILL@COLSTATE.EDU>
Subject: Semi-silly comments and questions about contemporary life

After that megamerger, my new bank will have assets of $570 billion
and serve 29 million American households in 22 states. Do you think
that maybe now they'll open a second teller's window?

I went to church Sunday, and the preacher didn't even know my name. If
he can't remember me from one Easter to the next, I'm looking for
another church.

You know what I think? I think it isn't very important which telephone
company I use.

I don't exaggerate - I just remember big.

What some drivers don't know about driving can fill a hospital.

Poor Paula. No money, no movie, no hairdresser.

If we could get handguns classified as sex toys, we could finally have
some meaningful gun control.

Say goodnight, Paula. Your 15 minutes are finally up.

Is this a great country or what? My 4-year-old just got an offer for a
pre-approved Visa card with a $5,000 limit.

Selected from: http://www.accessatlanta.com/local/thevent

------------------------------

Date:    Sat, 18 Apr 1998 09:36:00 -0400
From:    Chalapathi Rao Poduri <chaps@TC4HQ.CMC.STPH.NET>
Subject: Surd-Times : The Train,The Introduction <adult>

A Sardarji  is  travelling  in the same train compartment with a girl.
He pulls  out a metal plate and starts playing it "Ding. Ding.  Ding."
The girl  gets really annoyed and says, "You  stop  that." He stops
and they travel for a while.
Then when the night comes the girl takes off her clothes, looks at him
and asks, "Do you want to do IT?" He says "Yes". "Go ahead", she says.
He pulls out his plate and starts playing "Ding. Ding. Ding."
		     ----------------------------

Elizabeth Taylor once boarded a plane. Everybody around greeted her.
Since the plane was crowded she had difficulty in finding a seat.  She
saw our Sardar Balwinder Singh who was sitting next to a vacant seat.
She went up to him and introduced herself saying in her cool sexy
voice, "Hi, I am Elizabeth Taylor... Liz to you."
Balwinder was bewildered but immediately responded, "Hi I am
Balwinder... Balls to you."

------------------------------

Date:    Fri, 17 Apr 1998 23:07:15 -0500
From:    Ed Lambert <elambert@IX.NETCOM.COM>
Subject: In The News - Humorous News Quips

In The News - Edited excerpts from the LA Times
Includes some late night humor

WARNING - May be offensive to American politicians, celebrities in the
news, Chinese, Hollywoodies and postal workers.

According to Men's Health magazine, the male lion can have sex as often
as 100 times a day. In fact, at 103 times a day, the other animals stop
calling him "King of the Jungle" and start calling him "President of
the United States."

A judge threw out Paula Jones' lawsuit against Bill Clinton. This means
that OJ Simpson is the second luckiest man in America. (Letterman)

In fact, Clinton is so lucky... if he were on the Titanic, the iceburg
would have sunk.

Jones' lawyers are considering an appeal, as are all late night
comedians. (Cutler Daily Scoop)

An 11 year old girl has published a study proving that touch therapy -
making oneself feel better by the "laying on of hands" - doesn't work.
When George Michael heard this, he said, "Great! Now she tells me!"

A new study by the National Institutes of Health says men and women
react differently to painkillers. Give them both the same painkiller
and it might not be effective. That's why I stopped taking Midol. I get
bloated. (Leno)

According to another study, managers are twice as likely to die from a
heart attack immediately after firing an employee than at any other
time, except for Postal Service managers: They're just twice as likely
to die.

After hanging upside down for four hours in an airplane caught on power
lines in Seallte, a pilot was removed with the help of a cherry picker.
After the ordeal, the pilot was cited for not returning his plane to
its full upright position.

About 360 boxes of ance medication was stolen from a pharmacy in
Singapore. Police are looking for three suspects who go by Hanson.
(O'Brien)

Sea World has lost track of the released JJ The Whale, but next week,
JJ will be reunited with her parents on a very special Jerry Springer.

China says it wants to start putting people in space. Not to explore,
just to get rid of them.

Can you imagine what it will be like for the younger astronauts on John
Glenn's upcoming spaceflight? "In my day we didn't have a fancy
shuttle... we had to mix our own Tang by hand... Turn that radio down!
I had to spacewalk five miles through meteor showers every day... You
kids today, you land the shuttle on airstrips... we had to land in the
middle of the ocean..." (Leno)

Lorena Bobbitt was acquitted of punching her mom over family bills. You
can't blame her mom for calling the cops. When Lorena threatens to cut
you off, she really means it!

A man in New York City chained his bike to a tree and was sentenced to
hug, kiss and apologize to the tree. I think I'll chain myself to Cindy
Crawford. (Leno)

Marge Schott, who owns baseball's Cincinnati Reds, is recovering from
hip surgery. She took a spill on her driveway last week, further
injuring her hip, which had become weakened over the years by Schott's
habit of putting her foot in her mouth.

The zipper is 105 years old! Before the zipper was invented, people had
to knock twice as long before entering the Oval Office.

Michael Jackson and his wife named their new baby girl Paris, because
that's where the baby was conceived. That and it's a lot easier to
spell than "In Vitro".

According to a survey, a woman is more likely than a man to give
another driver the finger, except on Hollywood Boulevard, where a woman
driver is more likely to BE a woman. (Leno)

Hollywood is planning a remake of the classic film, Psycho. In the new
version, after Norman Bates slashes his victims, Johnnie Cochran gets
him off the charge.

Next year, filming of the hit TV show The X-Files will move to Los
Angeles. The show will feature some changes - to find altered beings,
aliens and strange phenomenon, Mulder and Scully will just drive down
Hollywood Bouldvard.

Former Milli Vanilli singer Rob Pilatus died in Germany. In keeping
with his last wishes, the priest lip-synched the eulogy.

And finally, feminist Bella Abzub died at the age of 77. In Lieu of
flowers, mourners were asked to send burned bras. (Daily Scoop)

------------------------------

End of HUMOR Digest - 17 Apr 1998 to 18 Apr 1998
************************************************

