HUMOR Digest - 16 Apr 1998 to 17 Apr 1998
There are 12 messages totalling 630 lines in this issue.

Topics of the day:

  1. Men Are Like...
  2. Goldwynisms
  3. Top5 - 4/16/98 - The Final Episode of "Seinfeld"
  4. Why did the chicken...
  5. Humor:  Offensive to Clinton fans
  6. #12. World record in walking backwards
  7. Religious debate [no off]
  8. 50 things to do at Wal Mart (cont.)
  9. Yodeling Brothers (Adult humor)
 10. Octopus
 11. Care To Help? <clean>
 12. Some Puns

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Date:    Thu, 16 Apr 1998 02:55:16 -0400
From:    Jim Moore Jr <jimjr@QIS.NET>
Subject: Men Are Like...

  buttons - they're always popping off at the wrong time

  caterpillars - they got where they are by a lotta crawling

  character actors - when they show any character,
                     they're acting

  colds - you can never get rid of the bad ones in a hurry

  cookies - underneath, most are just plain crumbs

  crowbars - they're not much to crow about,
             but that doesn't bar anything

  crystal - some look real good,
            but you can still see right thru them

  drips - you can hear them, but you can't turn them off

  dry cleaners - most work fast and leave no ring

  fish - they keep getting into trouble
         when they can't keep their mouths shut

  flowers - they're often potted

  goats - they just love to butt in

  instant coffee - easy to make

  lilac - most can lie like anything

  magicians - they can turn almost anything
              into an argument

  rivers - the largest part is their mouths

  theories - they hardly ever work

  trucks - so much of the time, they have a load on

  wheelbarrows - they all need to be pushed

-  *  -  *  -  *  -  *  -  *  -  *  -  *  -  *  -  *  -  *  -
> From a former co-worker of JimJr @ Maryland State Highway

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------------------------------

Date:    Wed, 15 Apr 1998 23:39:33 -0800
From:    Stan Kegel <kegel@FEA.NET>
Subject: Goldwynisms

Samuel Goldwyn, the movie producer who founded Goldwyn Productions and
Metro-Goldwyn-Meyer was known for his misuse of the English language.
Here are some of my favorite Goldwynisms:

"An oral contract isn't worth the paper it's written on."

"Any man who goes to a psychiatrist ought to have his head examined."

"In two words, impossible."

"Include me out"

"I don't care if it (his new picture) doesn't make a nickel. I just want
every man woman and child in America to see it."

When Goldwyn's secretary asked him if she should destroy files that were
more than ten years old, he answered, "Yes, but keep copies."

When told he couldn't film Radclyffe Hall's "The Well of Loneliness"
because it dealed with lesbians, he replies, "All right, where they got
lesbians, we'll use Austrians."

"I'm willing to admit that I may not always be right, but I am never
wrong."

"Tell them (the actors) to stand closer apart."

"If I were in this business only for the business, I wouldn't be in this
business."

"You fail to overlook the crucial point."

"For your information, just answer me one question!'

"Its absolutely impossible, but it has possibilities."

"Put it out of your mind. In no time, it will be a forgotten memory."

"Go see that turkey for yourself, and see for yourself why you shouldn't
see it."

"Can she sing? She's practically a Florence Nightingale."

"Give me a couple of years and I'll make that actress an overnight
success."

"True, I've been a long time making up my mind, but now I'm giving you a
definite answer. I won't say yes and I won't say no--but I'm giving you
a definite maybe."

------------------------------

Date:    Thu, 16 Apr 1998 06:13:19 -0400
From:    John Vogel <jvogel@DGS.DGSYS.COM>
Subject: Top5 - 4/16/98 - The Final Episode of "Seinfeld"

                         April 16, 1998
    The Top 16 Surprises in the Final Episode of "Seinfeld"
[ The Top Five List   top5@walrus.com   http://www.topfive.com ]


16> 105-year-old Elaine recounts how Jerry's apartment hit an
    iceberg.

15> Jerry reveals to all that he, Paul Rieser and Richard Lewis
    are actually the same person.

14> Mulder and Scully bust in to kill Kramer, who was sent here
    as part of a diabolical alien plot, but he's already escaped
    to join the cast of "3rd Rock from the Sun."

13> Jerry wakes up next to Bob Newhart and realizes it was all
    just a dream.

12> *George* awakens from a long nightmare to find Bobby Ewing
    in his shower.

11> Bikini waxing accident leaves Elaine follically impaired.
   (Not that there's anything wrong with that.)

10> George Michael guest stars as "Master Of His Domain."

 9> Jerry finally accomplishes his goal of dating every single
    woman in NYC.  His number is then retired into the rafters
    with Wilt Chamberlain's.

 8> Everyone watches helplessly as the Soup Nazi invades Poland.

 7> George gets crushed by a falling beam at Yankee Stadium.

 6> Jerry, Kramer, George and Newman compare their nude sketches
    of Elaine.

 5> Newman goes postal -- 8 dead, 14 wounded.

 4> A wacky new spin-off, "Minefield", is born when Elaine
    introduces the gang to her pregnant "roommate", played by
    the irrepressible Jodie Foster.

 3> Jerry's hot new girlfriend tricks him into appearing with
    her on the "I'm dating a prissy, neurotic mama's boy!"
    episode of Jenny Jones.

 2> Kramer shoots himself in the head mere moments after Jerry
    finally locks his front door.

	and Top5's Number 1 Surprise in the Final Episode of "Seinfeld"...

 1> Special surprise appearance by Shoshanna Lowenstein's
    obstetrician.


[ This list copyright 1998 by Chris White and Ziff Davis, Inc. ]
[ The Top Five List   top5@walrus.com   http://www.topfive.com ]
[      To forward or repost, please include this section.      ]

------------------------------

Date:    Thu, 16 Apr 1998 07:30:06 -0400
From:    Terry Galan <galante@MCMAIL.CIS.MCMASTER.CA>
Subject: Why did the chicken...

 KINDERGARTEN TEACHER: To get to the other side.

 PLATO: For the greater good.

 ARISTOTLE: It is the nature of chickens to cross roads.

 KARL MARX: It was a historical inevitability.

 TIMOTHY LEARY: Because that's the only trip the establishment would let
                it take.

 SADDAM HUSSEIN: This was an unprovoked act of rebellion and we were quite
                 justified in dropping 50 tons of nerve gas on it.

 RONALD REAGAN: I forget.

 CAPTAIN JAMES T. KIRK: To boldly go where no chicken has gone before.

 HIPPOCRATES: Because of an excess of phlegm in its pancreas.

 ANDERSEN CONSULTING: Deregulation of the chicken's side of the road was
 threatening its dominant market position. The chicken was faced with
 significant challenges to create and develop the competencies required
 for the newly competitive market. Andersen Consulting, in a partnering
 relationship with the client, helped the chicken by rethinking its
 physical distribution strategy and implementation processes. Using the
 Poultry Integration Model (PIM), Andersen helped the chicken use its
 skills, methodologies, knowledge, capital and experiences to align the
 chicken's people, processes and technology in support of its overall
 strategy within a Program Management framework. Andersen Consulting
 convened a diverse cross-spectrum of road analysts and best chickens
 along with Andersen consultants with deep skills in the transportation
 industry to engage in a two-day itinerary of meetings in order to
 leverage their personal knowledge capital, both tacit and explicit and to
 enable them to synergize with each other in order to achieve the implicit
 goals of delivering and successfully architecting and implementing an
 enterprise-wide value framework across the continuum of poultry
 cross-median processes. The meeting was held in a park-like setting,
 enabling and creating an impactful environment which was strategically
 based, industry-focused, and built upon a consistent, clear, and unified
 market message and aligned with the chicken's mission, vision, and core
 values. This was conducive towards the creation of a total business
 integration solution. Andersen Consulting helped the chicken change to
 become more successful.

 LOUIS FARRAKHAN: The road, you see, represents the black man. The chicken
 'crossed' the black man in order to trample him and keep him down.

 MARTIN LUTHER KING, JR.: I envision a world where all chickens will be
 free to cross roads without having their motives called into question.

 MOSES: And God came down from the Heavens, and He said unto the chicken,
 "Thou shalt cross the road". And the chicken crossed the road and there
  was much rejoicing.

 FOX MULDER: You saw it cross the road with your own eyes. How many more
 chickens have to cross the road before you believe it?

 RICHARD M. NIXON: The chicken did not cross the road. I repeat, the
                   chicken did NOT cross the road.

 MACHIAVELLI: The point is that the chicken crossed the road. Who cares
 why? The end of crossing the road justifies whatever motive there was.

 JERRY SEINFELD: Why does anyone cross a road? I mean, why doesn't anyone
 ever think to ask, "What the heck was this chicken doing walking around
 all over the place, anyway?"

 FREUD: The fact that you are at all concerned that the chicken crossed
 the road reveals your underlying sexual insecurity.

 BILL GATES: I have just released the new Chicken Office 2000, which will
 not only cross roads, but will lay eggs, file your important documents,
 and balance your checkbook.

 OLIVER STONE: The question is not, "Why did the chicken cross the road?"
 Rather, it is, "Who was crossing the road at the same time, whom we
 overlooked in our haste to observe the chicken crossing?"

 DARWIN: Chickens, over great periods of time, have been naturally
 selected in such a way that they are now genetically disposed to cross
 roads.

 EINSTEIN: Whether the chicken crossed the road or the road moved beneath
 the chicken depends upon your frame of reference.

 BUDDHA: Asking this question denies your own chicken nature.

 RALPH WALDO EMERSON: The chicken did not cross the road... it transcended
                      it.

 ERNEST HEMINGWAY: To die. In the rain.

 MICHAEL SCHUMACHER: It was an instinctive maneuver, the chicken obviously
 didn't see the road until he had already started to cross.

 COLONEL SANDERS: I missed one?

------------------------------

Date:    Thu, 16 Apr 1998 11:05:03 -0500
From:    "Rowe, Thomas" <trowe@UWSP.EDU>
Subject: Humor:  Offensive to Clinton fans

The other day Bill Clinton was seen running around the White House with a
pair of women's panties wrapped around his arm.  When an aide finally had
the timerity to ask him what that was all about he confided "I'm trying to
quit so I went on the patch!"


Note:  People trying to quit smoking sometimes use "the patch" - a
       transdermal nicotine patch you wear on your skin.

------------------------------

Date:    Thu, 16 Apr 1998 14:15:25 -0400
From:    Joydeep Mitra <mitra@AECOM.YU.EDU>
Subject: #12. World record in walking backwards

From: India News Network Digest    Thu, 16  April  98
#12. World record in walking backwards

Hisar: Vaidya Rattan Dev Jangra of Hansi, near here, has created a world
record in walking backwards covering a distance of 174 km from Hisar to
Delhi in 48 hours and 20 minutes.

According to reports available here, while congratulating Jangra for
setting-up the world record, Guinness Book of World Records correspondence
editor Amanda Brooks has asked him to complete the second part of the
backward walk for another 24 hours before November.

Jangra said that he would undertake the backward walk in June from Delhi.
Talking to newsmen, Jangra said cricketer Kapil Dev has come forward to
help in his endeavour.

------------------------------

Date:    Thu, 16 Apr 1998 20:58:01 +0200
From:    Theo Legters <tlegters@GLOBALXS.NL>
Subject: Religious debate [no off]

A rabbi and a priest talk together.
Priest: Rabbi, Your religion is very strickt on not-eating pork?
Rabbi: That's right.
Priest: And you never, I mean really never, had pork?
Rabbi: To be honest, when I was a very young boy, I had a little nibble
on pork.
Priest: And did you like it?
Rabbi: Not really.
Silence.
Rabbi: But, priest, your religion is very strict on celibacy?
Priest: Yes, indeed.
Rabbi: And you really never ... eh...
Priest: (blushing): Well, before I joined the church, when I was a very
young I saw this girl and ...
Rabbi: Say no more; wasn't it much better than pork??

------------------------------

Date:    Thu, 16 Apr 1998 12:49:41 -0700
From:    Reza Banikazemi <Reza.Banikazemi@GTE.NET>
Subject: 50 things to do at Wal Mart (cont.)

26. TP as much of the store as possible.

27. Randomly throw things over into neighboring aisles.

28. Play with the calculators so that they all spell "hello" upside down.

29. When someone asks if you need help, begin to cry and ask, "Why won't
      you people just leave me alone?"

30. When two or three people are walking ahead of you, run between them,
      yelling, "Red Rover!"

31. Make up nonsense products and ask newly hired employees if there are
      any in stock, i.e., "Do you have any Shnerples here?"

32. Take up an entire aisle in Toys by setting up a full scale
      battlefield with G.I. Joes vs. the X-Men.

33. Take bets on the battle described above.

34. Nonchalantly "test" the brushes and combs in Cosmetics.

36. Hold indoor shopping cart races.

37. Dart around suspiciously while humming the theme from "Mission:
      Impossible."

38. Attempt to fit into very large gym bags.

39. Attempt to fit others into very large gym bags.

40. Say things like, "Would you be so kind as to direct me to your
      Twinkies?"

41. Set up a "Valet Parking" sign in front of the store.

42. Two words: "Marco Polo."

43. Leave Cheerios in Lawn and Garden, pillows in the pet food aisle, etc

44. "Re-alphabetize" the CD's in Electronics.

46. When someone steps away from their cart to look at something, quickly
      make off with it without saying a word.

47. Relax in the patio furniture until you get kicked out.

48. When an announcement comes over the loudspeaker, assume the fetal
      position and scream, "No, no!  It's those voices again!"

49. Pay off layaways fifty cents at a time.

50. Drag a lounge chair on display over to the magazines and relax.  If
      the store has a food court, buy a soft drink; explain that you don't
      get out much, and ask if they can put a little umbrella in it.

*BONUS*  Attempt all of the above during the same visit.

------------------------------

Date:    Thu, 16 Apr 1998 15:23:30 -0700
From:    "Michael J. Irvin" <irvinmj@WSU.EDU>
Subject: Yodeling Brothers (Adult humor)

There were two brothers who were national yodeling champions. One day their
car broke down out in the middle of nowhere and they had to put up at a
farmhouse. As fate would have it there was a beautiful farmer's daughter at
the house.

The two brothers had a way of communicating over several miles by yodeling
to each other. One particular yodel (ay-la-de-o-la-te-tu) signaled trouble,
and meant for the other one to run.

Anyway, the farmer warned the two brothers not to mess with his daughter.
The next morning the farmer was up before dawn, and caught his daughter in
the bed with one of the brothers. He grabbed his gun and shouted that he
would start counting, and if the guy wasn't out of his sight by the count
of 5 he would shoot him.

Well, the fellow high-tailed it out of there and was just jumping over the
fence when the farmer hit 3. He yodeled the tune to warn his brother of
impending doom, when the farmer suddenly shot him.

The other brother came running out of his room and said, "What happened?"

The farmer said, "I caught your brother sleeping with my daughter and,
although I gave him a fair chance, before he was out of sight he yelled, "I
laid the old lady, too," so I shot him.

------------------------------

Date:    Thu, 16 Apr 1998 16:21:55 -1000
From:    Ian Ibbetson <ian@PTSPLUMBING.CO.CK>
Subject: Octopus

A guy walks into a bar with an octopus. He sets the octopus down on a stool
and tells everyone in the bar that this is a very talented octopus. He can
play any instrument in the world. He hears everyone in the crowd laughing
at him, calling him an idiot, etc... So he says he will wager $50 to anyone
who has an instrument that the octopus can't play.

A guy walks up with a guitar and sits it beside the octopus. The octopus
starts playing better then Jimi Hendrix, just rippin' it up. So the man
pays his $50.

Another guy walks up with a trumpet. The octopus plays the trumpet better
than Dizzy Gillespie. So the man pays his $50.

A third guy walks up with bagpipes. He sits them down and the octopus
fumbles with it for a minute, and sits it down with a confused look.
"Ha!" the man says, "can't you play it?"

The octopus looks up at the man and says, "Play it? I'm going to screw it
as soon as I get its pajamas off!"

------------------------------

Date:    Fri, 17 Apr 1998 09:42:21 -0400
From:    Chalapathi Rao Poduri <chaps@TC4HQ.CMC.STPH.NET>
Subject: Care To Help? <clean>

         Ok, there's this guy on a bar, just looking at his drink He
stays like that for half-an-hour. Then, this big trouble-maker truck
driver steps next to him, and drinks what he was staring at. The poor man
starts crying. The truck driver says:
      --Come on man, I was just joking. Here, I'll pay you another
drink. I just can't see a man crying.
      --No, it's not that. This day is the worst of my life. First, I
fall asleep, and I go late to my office. My boss, outrageous,fires me.
when I leave the building, to my car, I found out it was stolen.And
the police, they say they can do nothing. I get a cab to return
home, and  when I leave it, I remember I left my wallet and credit cards
there. The cab driver just runs away. I go home, and when I get there, I
find my  wife in bed with the gardener. I leave home, to this bar. And
when I was thinking about geting an end to my life, you show up and drink
my  poison...

------------------------------

Date:    Thu, 16 Apr 1998 22:41:06 -0800
From:    Stan Kegel <kegel@FEA.NET>
Subject: Some Puns

The experimental salt-water algae farm was having difficulty because of
the depletion of the plants by hundreds of sea gulls. An ornithologist
was hired to solve the problem. His solution was to grow cannabis sativa
plants along the rim of the algae tanks. The terns would nibble at the
cannabis and leave the algae alone. Cost was the only factor. He was
sent to the Chief Financial Officer to get approval. "Certainly, spend
all that is necessary" he was told, ... "Leave no tern unstoned."

The motto of our local health club: ... "We will leave no stern untoned!"

And then there was the naval commander that ordered that all band
practices take place aft. He wanted to be certain that ... he left no
stern untuned.

Once upon a time a boy penguin and a girl penguin met at the equator.
After a brief but passionate interlude the boy penguin went away to the
North Pole, and the girl penguin to the South Pole. A few months later,
a telegram arrived at the North Pole, saying: ... "Come quick. Am with
Byrd."

It happened in Seattle. It took an unlucky combination of people meeting
together in one of the Microsoft executive suites. First, there were the
Scotlanders recently responsible for the cloning of the sheep. In
addition, the group was blessed with Chrysler Motors ex-CEO, Lee Iococa,
and with the famous vampire, Count Dracula. Oh, the pain, oh the
difficulty of sitting down. DNA was taken from both Iococa and Dracula
and the DNAs were combined into the empty ovum of a Microsoft executive.
The fertilized ovum was implanted in a conscripted volunteer, and after
nine months, the conceptus came fully to term. Thus, it was born. Now we
have the explanation : ... AUTOEXEC. BAT

------------------------------

End of HUMOR Digest - 16 Apr 1998 to 17 Apr 1998
************************************************

