HUMOR Digest - 14 Apr 1998 to 15 Apr 1998
There are 8 messages totalling 362 lines in this issue.

Topics of the day:

  1. Airlines
  2. Puns: Greta Garbo & 3 Riddles
  3. Re-run: (4 y.) love and sex <adultish>
  4. State of the Union Address (adult)
  5. Semi-funny comments and questions about contemporary life
  6. April 15th Questions
  7. Warning Labels
  8. Satan

----------------------------------------------------------------------

Date:    Tue, 14 Apr 1998 02:55:51 -0400
From:    Jim Moore Jr <jimjr@QIS.NET>
Subject: Airlines

* It's a wonder no one's ever filed a discrimination complaint
  against Vatican Airlines.  The emergency escape instructions
  are written in Latin so the Catholics can get out first.
                        - - - - -

* Speaking of discrimination, (I was) I wonder how long it's
  gonna be before a feminist pilot refuses to enter the cockpit.
                        - - - - -

* Back when hijacking airlines was in vogue, I became a little
  concerned one time on a flight to Miami.  My filet mignon was
  served wrapped in pita bread.
                        - - - - -

* If you're worried about the safety record of the airline you're
  going to use -- Check and see if the insurance machine in the
  terminal is sold out or not.
                        - - - - -

* In Peru scientists have discovered what appears to be ancient,
  strange, lost airfields.  They're pretty sure the sites were
  airfields, because they also found what appears to be ancient,
  strange, lost luggage.
                        - - - - -

*   Once Mrs JimJr & I had to take a flight that had 4 other
  stops before arriving at the Dallas-Forth Worth Airport.
    At the first stop, a little white truck drove up to the
  plane and Mrs JimJr watched it pull up to the wing.  She
  asked, "What's that truck doing ?"
    I explained that some airlines don't completely fuel up
  a plane for various reasons & we were taking on more fuel.
    This process was repeated at the next three stops, and
  Mrs JimJr watched the plane being fueled each time.
    At the last stop, I said, "Ya know, in spite of all these
  delays, we're making pretty good time."
    Mrs JimJr pointed out the window & said, "I don't know --
  that lil' white truck's keeping right up with us.

=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=
April is UGA HumorList Month; to subscribe,

Send an e-mail to:  listserv@listserv.uga.edu
leave the subject area blank;
in the BODY of the letter, type:

SUB HUMOR yourfirstname yourlastname

------------------------------

Date:    Mon, 13 Apr 1998 23:48:53 -0800
From:    Stan Kegel <kegel@FEA.NET>
Subject: Puns: Greta Garbo & 3 Riddles

 Greta Garbo, the famous actress was considered an eccentric, and for
 being a recluse, isolating herself from her fans and the world. She
 once, so the story goes, sprinkled grass seed in her hair. When asked
 why she performed this stunt, the elusive Swede replied, ... "I vant
 to be a lawn."

(1) Late in the last century, the Stocking Gang were notorious cattle
rustlers in the Chimney Hill area near Austin. These Nair-do-wells were
the bane of the more staid ranchers living in the area. For many years,
they did their deeds with impunity. Finally, they were captured near
their home and subjected to the rough version of frontier justice. What
was their fate?

(2) As they grew older, the Stocking sisters grew increasingly unhappy
with their lot in life. Men had much more fun and clearly were the
superior sex. They tried to arrange for an operation to make the
necessary changes, but, found it very difficult to find a competant
physician who would do it on an outpatient basis. Finally they were able
to make contact with a reliable reconstructive urologist who was willing
to do the surgery at home in front of the fireplace. What was the
outcome?

(3) Bill and Mary Stocking had four children, Andy, Nora, Susie, and
Sylvia, and a poodle named Care. It was their tradition to hang their
Christmas socks, on the mantel in hopes that Santa would put something
in them. Even their dog had a sock, which was a little replica of
himself. What happened on Christmas Eve?


Answer:... The Stockings were hung by the chimney with care.

------------------------------

Date:    Tue, 14 Apr 1998 12:41:22 +0200
From:    Alar ''The Joker'' <alar14@MAIL.EE>
Subject: Re-run: (4 y.) love and sex <adultish>

Date sent:        Thu, 14 Apr 1994 13:41:20 -0400
From:             Chris Brown Witt

I have heard it said that men give love in order to get sex,
whereas women give sex in order to get love.

Seems to me, this works out pretty well, for the most part.


Alar Pardla's Joke Collection... Collected humor since 1994
http://fun.ee/jokes/ |

------------------------------

Date:    Tue, 14 Apr 1998 07:17:28 -0400
From:    Terry Galan <galante@MCMAIL.CIS.MCMASTER.CA>
Subject: State of the Union Address (adult)

 THE STATE OF THE UNION ADDRESS THAT PRESIDENT CLINTON SHOULD HAVE GIVEN.

 "Members of Congress...people of America.... I banged her. I banged her
 like a cheap gong. Which is not news, folks, because if you think Monica
 Lewinsky was the only skin flute player in my orchestra, you haven't been
 paying attention. The only babes in D.C. I haven't tried to do are the
 First Lady, Reno, Albright, and Shalala, mostly because they're a little
 older than I like and they have legs that former Houston Oiler Earl
 Campbell would envy. Which isn't to say I don't appreciate Hillary...I
 do. If not for the ice-water coursing through her veins, I'd be pumping
 gas into farm equipment in Hope, Arkansas, and she'd be married to the
 President.

 So, let me set the record straight. I dodged the draft, hid FBI files,
 smoked dope, flipped Whitewater property, set up a new Korean wing in the
 White House, fired the travel agent, paid hush money to Hubbell, sold the
 Lincoln bedroom like an upscale Motel 6, and grabbed every ass that
 entered the Oval Office. Got it? Good. Six years ago, there's not a man,
 woman, or child who didn't know I was as horny as Woody Allen.  But, you
 elected me anyway, which turned out to be a good move on your part.

 Your other choice was Bush, an aging baseball player and part-time
 resident of some place called "Kennebunkport" who thought he could bomb
 his way into the White House. Before him, it was Reagan, who left the
 office with the same Alzheimer's he came in with. There was Carter before
 him who brought you a 17% prime interest rate, smiling the whole time
 like his lithium drip had just kicked in. Nixon before that coined, but
 never really understood, the concept of plausible deniability,' and
 almost got a one-way ticket to San Clemente for his crackerjack style of
 governing. Johnson was an inbred, power-mad war criminal whose major
 contribution to American society was Agent Orange. And John Kennedy, who
 was a little naughty himself, didn't hang around long enough for America
 to spot that curious atavistic tic for "beaver-wrestling" shared by at
 least a dozen former residents of the White House.

 Which brings me back to my point. Since I have been strumming the banjo
 here at the White House, government is doing more for less. The budget is
 balanced for the first time since JFK did a one gun salute to Marilyn,a
 fact the press didn't seem to care about, evidently. unemployment is so
 low today a blind felon can get a job as a night-watchman. And the stock
 market is higher than a D-student on a full gram of dumb-dust,and anyone
 with a degree from a junior college who can spell 'internet' has enough
 money to ponder the annual maintenance cost of his boat, instead of where
 his or her next meal is coming from.

 Bottom line: I'm running a country here and I'm doing it with my pecker
 showing. What I'm asking for is your support, not a date with your
 daughter...unless, of course, she's a hotty with thin ankles, and then
 I'd like to discuss it. In the meantime, think about where you are today
 and what kind of life you're living before you get too interested in
 where I'm parking the Presidential limousine.

 Thank you, good night and God bless America.

------------------------------

Date:    Tue, 14 Apr 1998 15:14:27 EST
From:    Bill Edwards <EDWARDS_BILL@COLSTATE.EDU>
Subject: Semi-funny comments and questions about contemporary life

I had a blind date last weekend, and we had a lot in common. We both
enjoy dancing, art, sunsets -- and men!

How can supermarket tabloids hope to compete with the mainstream
network news shows that shmelessly exploit the most sordid aspects of
the tragic Arkansas child murders?

I've found the secret to enjoying your job. Marry a foul-tempered,
nagging woman. You'll look forward to going to work every day. I do.

Is it really true that Paula Jones is planning to run for Sonny
Bono's old congressional seat? Imagine Paula getting to vote to
impeach Billy Bob Arkansas.

Paula should have taken the deal when she had a chance. The rule is,
never turn down a brand new double-wide.

Now that Paula has passed, let's let Bill get back to his regular
full-time job -- raising funds for the Democratic National Committee.

When Prince William the Apologizer comes back from his Excellent
African Adventure, can we deny him access into the country? Too late,
he already back.

I think car alarms should be set of explode after two minutes. That
way, we either take out a car thief, or deprive a noise-polluting
jerk of his wheels.

Don't you just hate it when people put a period at the end of a
sentence when it should be a question mark.

My doctor says I'm getting shorter as I get older, so my children
keep telling me not to shrink and drive.

Select and adapted from rent Atlanta J-C's The Vent columns at
http://www.accessatlanta.com/local/thevent

------------------------------

Date:    Tue, 14 Apr 1998 14:33:54 -0500
From:    Joe Hickman <comedy@FLASH.NET>
Subject: April 15th Questions

Important questions all American taxpayers must answer before midnight
tonight:

- Did you attach your check or money order made payable to Internal Revenue
  Service? And if so, do you know where your next meal is coming from?

- Did you attach your Forms W-2 to your return? Did you also attach the
  shirt off your back and your Underalls?

- Did you use your preprinted label? If not, just who do you think you are
  and which day next week can you come in for an audit?

- Did you place proper postage in the little box on the front of the
  envelope where it says "Place Stamp Here?" Did you also have sense
  enough to lick the stamp even though the IRS didn't remind you to do it?


>From Ha! at http://www.flash.net/~comedy

------------------------------

Date:    Tue, 14 Apr 1998 18:02:49 -0700
From:    Reza Banikazemi <Reza.Banikazemi@GTE.NET>
Subject: Warning Labels

If government is going to put health warning labels on beer, wine and
liquor, let's at least have a little truthfulness about the matter!

WARNING:  Consumption of alcohol may cause you to wake up with
breath that could knock a buzzard off a shit truck at 100 yards.

WARNING:  Consumption of alcohol is a major factor in dancing
like an asshole.

WARNING:  Consumption of alcohol may lead you to believe that ex-lovers
are really dying for you to telephone them at 4 in the morning.

WARNING:  Consumption of alcohol may cause you to tell the same boring
story over and over again until your friends want to smash your head in.

WARNING:  Consumption of alcohol may cause you to thay things like thish.

WARNING:  Consumption of alcohol may cause you to tell the boss what you
REALLY THINK while photocopying your butt at the office Christmas party.

WARNING:  Consumption of alcohol may leave you wondering what the hell
ever happened to your pants (panties) anyway.

WARNING:  Consumption of alcohol may cause you to roll over in the morning
& see something really scary (whose species and/or name you can't remember)

WARNING:  Consumption of alcohol is the leading cause of inexplicable rug
burn on the forehead.

WARNING:  Consumption of alcohol may create the illusion that you are
tougher, more handsome, and smarter than some really, really, really big
biker guy named "Big Al".

------------------------------

Date:    Tue, 14 Apr 1998 17:24:58 -1000
From:    Ian Ibbetson <ian@PTSPLUMBING.CO.CK>
Subject: Satan

One bright, beautiful Sunday morning, everyone in tiny Johnstown wakes up
early and goes to their local church.  Before the service starts, the
townspeople sit in their pews and talk about their lives, their families,
etc.

Suddenly, at the altar, Satan appears!!  Everyone starts screaming and
running for the front entrance, trampling each other in their determined
efforts to get away from Evil Incarnate.

Soon, everyone is evacuated from the church except for one man, who sits
calmly in his pew, seemingly oblivious to the fact that God's  ultimate
enemy is in his presence. This confuses Satan a bit.

Satan walks up to the man and says, "Hey, don't you know who I am?"

The man says, "Yep, sure do."

Satan says, "Well, aren't you afraid of me?"

The man says, "Nope, sure ain't."

Satan, perturbed, says, "And why aren't you afraid of me?"

The man says, "Well, I've been married to your sister for 25 years."

------------------------------

End of HUMOR Digest - 14 Apr 1998 to 15 Apr 1998
************************************************

