HUMOR Digest - 12 Apr 1998 to 13 Apr 1998
There are 5 messages totalling 359 lines in this issue.

Topics of the day:

  1. Puns: Contented Cows; The Vampire
  2. Texas and Texans
  3. In The News - Humorous News Quips
  4. A Bad Day
  5. Lateral Puzzles <clean>

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Date:    Sat, 11 Apr 1998 23:21:06 -0800
From:    Stan Kegel <kegel@FEA.NET>
Subject: Puns: Contented Cows; The Vampire

Farmer Jones had heard that the best milk comes from contented cows.
Therefore, he'd visit them every morning and tell them jokes. The cows
laughed and laughed, and they gave excellent milk. However, the news got
around and no one else was much amused. Thus, ... his cows became the
laughing stock of the community.

This fellow checks into a Vegas hotel. The bellman hands him his key,
and he gives the bellman a big tip, and says, "Listen, can you get me
some Italian prostitutes, and send them up to the room?" Bellman, says,
"Oh, yes, Sir. Right away, Sir." Guy says, "Now, they have to be Italian
prostitutes, understand? And, send lots of them." "Yes sir." Little
later, girls start appearing at the door of his room. He invites them
in. Turns out he's a vampire. He drinks their blood and, then, pushes
them off the balcony. The bellman is going out to get luggage and is hit
several times by the falling bodies. He tells the manager who calls the
police. The police arrive and question the bellman, asking him "What's
going on?" He says, "All I know is ... drained wops keep falling on my
head."

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Date:    Sun, 12 Apr 1998 03:11:34 -0400
From:    Jim Moore Jr <jimjr@QIS.NET>
Subject: Texas and Texans

Every Member Update:  Week 1: +102  Week 2: +103 (new members)
=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=

* Friend of mine just moved to Texas and the house she bought
  has one of those typical Texas kitchens -- seven rooms.
                                - - - - -

*   Had a friend visiting from Texas and he had read so many
  of my Columbia Maryland jokes he said he just had to see the
  place and meet some of the infamous Yuppettes I write about.
    Well, I arranged to take him to a party and the very first
  Yuppette he met said, "How much did you say your name was ?"
                                - - - - -

*   Bruno, my displaced Texan friend, claims he knows a guy "back
  home" who was so sentimental, he had his kid's nursery bronzed.
                                - - - - -

*   For a while, even Texas fell on hard times, but they refused
  to concede they too were experiencing a recession.
    One Texan merely explained, "We're having a lean boom year."
                                - - - - -

* Big ?  I'll say Texas is big -- and the western part of the State
  is so flat too.  You can look further than you can see !
                                - - - - -

* In fact, I never knew how big Texas really was until I tried to
  unfold a map of the State in the car.
                                - - - - -

* Pity the men in Texas who are under 6 feet tall.  I mean, what the
  hell's the sense of being from Texas if you're gonna be small.
                                - - - - -

* One Texan named his ranch the "Running Lazy Z Double Circle
  Crossing Trails Ranch".  He damn near went outta business his
  first year though -- only 1/3 of the herd survived the branding.

=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=
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------------------------------

Date:    Sun, 12 Apr 1998 12:20:29 -0500
From:    Ed Lambert <elambert@IX.NETCOM.COM>
Subject: In The News - Humorous News Quips

In The News - Edited excerpts from the LA Times
Includes some late night humor

WARNING - May be offensive to American politicians, Russian presidents,
pedophile teachers, British au pair's, rock stars, OJ and dead people.

Happy Easter folks! This is irritable bowel syndrome month. Fortunately
the parade was cancelled.

The FDA has approved a new pill, Viagra, that cures male impotence.
Side effects include dizziness and a temporary feeling of exhilaration,
followed by possible impeachment.

The judge dropped PAula Jones' case against Bill Clinton, however,
Clinton isn't in the clear just yet... Paula says she may appeal this
all the way to the Jerry Springer show. (Leno)

Bill Clinton's lawyer said Kathleen Willey is trying to sell a book for
$300,000. Clinton tried to sell his little black book, but it turns out
Kenneth Starr has already published it.

Sultan, a popular zoo gorilla, died of a heart attack shortly after
three female apes were sent into his cage for mating purposes.
Republicans are now abandoning impeachment as a way to get rid of
Clinton. Instead, they plan to lock him in the Oval Office with
Flowers, Jones and Lewinsky.

While visiting Africa, Clinton stopped at a souvenir stand in Rwanda to
pick up a few gifts, including a collar for his dog Buddy, a hat for
Chelsea, and the Ebola virus for Kenneth Starr. (Miller)

A California comission has raised the pay for elected officials, saying
the increase is needed to attract good people. Of course, that's what
they promised us the last time.

Florida executed four people within the period of a week. It's getting
so busy on death row, they've done away with the last meal. They just
put in a buffet. (Leno)

Oregon's first doctor assisted suicide took place when a terminally ill
woman ate a concoction of barbiturates, syrup and brandy. Or, as Boris
Yeltsin call it, breakfast.

Mary Kay LeTourneau, the Seattle teacher who is reportedly pregnant for
a second time by a former student, has authorized a book about her
life. It'll be called, "Everything I Needed To Know About Sex, I
Learned From A Kindergartner."

British au pair Louise Woodward has been turned down in her application
for a job at a Massachusetts dog pound. Apparently the pound prefers to
put its dogs down with anesthesia instead of just shaking them
violently until they die.

The National Attention Deficit Disorder Association is holding its
annual convention this week. The National Attention Deficit Disorder
Association is holding its annual convention this week.

The FDA has approved Sucralose, a new sugar substitute that's 600 times
sweeter than sugar. It's also known by its other name, cancer. (SNL)

Missouri is considering a bill that would allow death row inmates to
have their sentences reduced to life in prison if they donate a kidney
or bone marrow. Hey, why not go ahead with the execution and take both
kidneys? (Miller)

Pop singer George Michael was arrested for lewd conduct in a public
restroom. If convicted, he could get jail time, be fined and then
ordered to enter the Hugh Grant Center for Stupid Celebrities.

It's been a bad week for singers. First George Michael. Tommy Lee is
going to jail. Who'd ever think that the rock star with the most normal
sex like is Michael Jackson? (Leno)

And if that isn't enough... Rolling Stone rocktogenarian Keith Richards
was asked to appear on stage when the Grateful Dead tour this year.
Apparently, it was easier than digging up Jerry Garcia.

Andrew Lloyd Webber says illness is forcing his to slow down, but he
won't stop working altogether. His new muisical, "Illness Is Forcing Me
to Slow Down, But I Won't Stop Working Altogether," opens in September.
(Miller)

OJ Simpson is taking a law school correspondence course. Armed with his
new knowledge of the law, he is reportedly furious that he was
acquitted. (SNL)

Romance novelist Danielle Steel got married for the fifth time. At the
end of the service, the minister said, "You may now press your
quivering lips against the birde's hot, eager, hungry mouth..."

David Schramm, the man behind the "Big Bang Theory" of how the universe
was created, died in a plane crash. A witness said, "I heard a big
thud... no... a boom... no... a wham... hummm... I can't find the word
I'm looking for..."

And finally,  the inventor of the La-Z-Boy recliner died at the age of
90, so I'm taking the rest of the day off.

------------------------------

Date:    Sun, 12 Apr 1998 11:14:38 -0700
From:    Reza Banikazemi <Reza.Banikazemi@GTE.NET>
Subject: A Bad Day

Calling in sick to work makes me uncomfortable because no matter how
legitimate my illness, I always sense my boss thinks I am lying.

On one occasion, I had a valid reason but lied anyway because the
truth was too humiliating to reveal. I simply mentioned that I had
sustained a head injury and I hoped would feel up to coming in the
next day. By then, I hoped I could think up a doozy to explain the bandage
on my crown. In this case, the truth hurt. I mean it really hurt in
the place men feel the most pain.

As the daily routine prescribes, I was taking my shower after
breakfast when I heard my wife, Deb, call out to me from the
kitchen. "Ed!" she hearkened, "The garbage disposal is dead. Come
reset it."

"You know where the button is," I protested through the shower
(pitter-patter). "Reset it yourself!"

"I'm scared!" She pleaded. "What if it starts going and sucks me
in?"... Pause... "C'mon, it'll only take a second."

No logical assurance about how a disposal can't start itself will
calm the fears of a person who suffers from "Big-ol-scary-machine"
phobia, a condition brought on by watching too many Stephen King
movies. It is futile to argue or explain, kind of like telling Lloyd
Bentsen Americans are over-taxed. And, if a poltergeist did, in
fact, possess the disposal, and she was ground into round, I'd have
to live with that for the rest of my life...

So out I came, dripping wet and buck naked, hoping to make a
statement about how her cowardly behavior was not without
consequence. I crouched down and stuck my head under the sink to
find the button. It is the last action I remember performing.

It struck without warning, without respect to my circumstances. Nay,
it wasn't a hexed disposal, drawing me into its gnashing metal
teeth. It was our new kitty, clawing playfully at the dangling
objects she spied between my legs. She ("Buttons" aka "the Grater")
had been poised around the corner and stalked me as I took the bait
under the sink. At precisely the second I was most vulnerable, she
leapt at the toys I unwittingly offered and snagged them with her
needle-like claws.

Now when men feel pain or even sense danger anywhere close to their
masculine region, they lose all rational thought, and the ability to
control orderly bodily movements. Instinctively, their nerves compel
the body to contort  inwardly, while rising upwardly at a violent
rate of speed. Not even a well trained monk could calmly stand with
his groin supporting the full weight of a kitten and rectify the
situation in a step-by-step procedure.

Wild animals are sometimes faced with a "fight-or-flight" syndrome;
men, in this predicament, choose only the"flight" option. Fleeing
straight up, I knew at that moment how a cat feels when it is
alarmed. It was a dismal irony. But, whereas  cats seek great
heights to escape, I never made it that far. The sink and cabinet
bluntly impeded my ascent; the impact knocked me out cold.

When I awoke, my wife and the paramedics stood over me. Having been
fully briefed by my wife, the paramedics snorted as they tried to
conduct their work while suppressing their hysterical laughter. My
wife told me I should be flattered.

At the office, colleagues tried to coax an explanation out of me. I
kept silent, claiming it was too painful to talk. "What's the
matter, cat got your tongue?" If they had only known.



* "Informed sources say that those who die and are standing before The
   Throne to be sentenced to hell for their sins can claim credit for
   time served if they were Windows 95 users."
              --Larry Blasko, Associated Press, W/S Journal, 1/27/98

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Date:    Mon, 13 Apr 1998 09:58:53 -0400
From:    Chalapathi Rao Poduri <chaps@TC4HQ.CMC.STPH.NET>
Subject: Lateral Puzzles <clean>

This kind of puzzle teaches you to check your assumptions about any
situation. You need to be open-minded, flexible and creative in your
questioning and able to put lots of different clues and pieces of
information together. Once you reach a viable solution you keep going
in order to refine it or replace it with a better solution.
This is lateral thinking!

Try out the following ones -


#1  Friday
     A man rode into town on Friday. He stayed for three nights and then
     left on Friday. How come?

#2 The Deadly Party
     A man went to a party and drank some of the punch. He then left
     early. Everyone else at the party who drank the punch
     subsequently died of poisoning. Why did the man not die?

#3 The Blind Beggar
     A blind beggar had a brother who died. What relation was the blind
     beggar to the brother who died? (Brother is not the answer).

#4 The Elder Twin
     One day Kerry celebrated her birthday. Two days later her older
     twin brother, Terry, celebrated his birthday. How come?


Answers

1.  The man's horse was called Friday.

2.  The poison in the punch came from the ice cubes.
    When the man drank the punch the ice was fully frozen. Gradually
    it melted, poisoning the punch.

3.  The blind beggar was the sister of her brother who died.

4.  At the time she went into labor, the mother of the twins was
    travelling by boat.  The older twin, Terry, was born first early on
    March 1st. The boat then crossed the International Date line (or any
    time zone line) and Kerry, the younger twin, was born on February the
    28th. In a leap year the younger twin celebrates her birthday two days
    before her older brother.

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End of HUMOR Digest - 12 Apr 1998 to 13 Apr 1998
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