HUMOR Digest - 11 Apr 1998 to 12 Apr 1998
There are 7 messages totalling 266 lines in this issue.

Topics of the day:

  1. Two Irishmen (Pun)
  2. Moore on Religion
  3. Religious humor (offensive to Jews/Christians)
  4. Odd questions and comments about contemporary life
  5. HUMOR - Squishtex
  6. The Cow, an Assay!
  7. Who's in charge?

----------------------------------------------------------------------

Date:    Sat, 11 Apr 1998 00:23:38 -0800
From:    Stan Kegel <kegel@FEA.NET>
Subject: Two Irishmen (Pun)

There are two Irishmen on the Forth road bridge in Edinburgh. One has a
budgie on his shoulder, and the other has a parrot and a shotgun. The
first takes a flying leap and unfortunately crashes to his death in the
icy cold waters of the Forth as the bird flies off. The second man
follows and halfway down he pulls out his shotgun and shoots the parrot,
but this does not prevent his death as he also crashes into the icy cold
waters of the Forth. They both meet up again as they go through the
Pearly gates. The first chap says, ... "I'm not trying that budgie
jumping again!" ... The second says, ... "And I'm never trying that
parrot shooting either!"

------------------------------

Date:    Sat, 11 Apr 1998 04:13:23 -0400
From:    Jim Moore Jr <jimjr@QIS.NET>
Subject: Moore on Religion

*   A local minister bought a used car and took it back the
  next day because there was so much he found wrong with it.
    He told the manager, "I could not remain a man of the
  cloth and drive that car at the same time."
                                - - - - -

* The main problem I see with most religions today is that a
  lot of people say they're a practicing Baptist; others say
  they're a practicing this or that.  Kinda makes me wonder
  why they're not better at it.
                                - - - - -

* A new denomination has sprung up in Columbia Maryland to fit
  the times -- The Seventh-Day Absentists.
                                - - - - -

*   I don't know about y'all, but personally, I like to pray in
  solitude for one main reason -- I hate to be interrupted.
    I mean, there's just something about putting God on hold.
                                - - - - -

*   An evangelist was going at it hot and heavy, telling those
  gathered about what could lay in store for them. "God's wrath
  will devour you." he bellowed.  "There will be weeping and
  wailing and gnashing of teeth."
    "I don't have any teeth." said one old man.
    "Teeth will be provided." replied the evangelist.
                                - - - - -

*   I can easily prove that humans were not present when God
  created the Earth.  I mean think about it.  The Bible says that
  God created everything in 6 days and rested on the 7th.
    Had humans been present then, the Bible would have mentioned
  that on the 8th day God started getting all these complaints.

=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=
April is UGA HumorList Month; to subscribe,

Send an e-mail to:  listserv@listserv.uga.edu
leave the subject area blank;
in the BODY of the letter, type:

SUB HUMOR yourfirstname yourlastname

------------------------------

Date:    Sat, 11 Apr 1998 01:48:22 -0700
From:    "Roger E. Taranto" <rog@TSOFT.COM>
Subject: Religious humor (offensive to Jews/Christians)

Have you heard that they canceled Easter this year?
It seems that they found the body.
			----

Q: What the difference between circumcision and crucifixion?

A: With crucifixion, they throw away the whole Jew.

------------------------------

Date:    Sat, 11 Apr 1998 15:52:06 EST
From:    Bill Edwards <EDWARDS_BILL@COLSTATE.EDU>
Subject: Odd questions and comments about contemporary life

Selected from recent issues of the Vent (a daily column in the
Atlanta Journal/Constitution).

My husband is overdrawn in the bank acocunt of love.

My rural county tried a school uniform program but had to drop it.
With all that camouflage clothing, we kept losing the kids at recess.

My friend's 6-year-old son was explaining why he tries to avoid
attending the religion class at his private school. "I don't want to
go to heaven," he sighed. "There's just a bunch of old dead people up
there."

You're getting old when getting lucky means you find your car in the
parking lot.

Sign seen on church: "Come inside for a faith lift."

Isn't it amazing what a safe and cautious driver you suddenly become
the moment you realize you left your driver's license at home?

I am a female and I met a true gentleman the other day. He was
standing immediately behind me in a checkout line. I dropped a coin
and he pointed to the spot on the floor where it had rolled so that I
could pick it up.

God must love journalists. After the tradegy of having the judge
dismiss their Paula Jones scandal, we now have the disasters of
bad weather.

------------------------------

Date:    Sat, 11 Apr 1998 15:48:27 -0600
From:    Les Pourciau at UMem <POURCIAU@LATTE.MEMPHIS.EDU>
Subject: HUMOR - Squishtex

                            SquishTeX

 Is your manuscript 213 words too long with the deadline in 10 minutes?  Do
 the last two citations run over the 10-page limit?  Are your lines already
 running off the page?  Is the move from 5-point to 4-point looking
 inevitable?

                         *** NO MORE ***

 Now, No-Knuthing Technologies presents SquishTeX, the first typesetting
 program with a compression coefficient, $\alpha$, that allows you to
 continuously vary the length of your document from original size to zero
 without ever violating journal submission guidelines.  If $\alpha = 1$,
 SquishTeX performs in the same uncompromising, idyllic fashion as the
 original TeX.

 As $\alpha$ is decreased towards 0, SquishTeX uses a variety of proprietary
 devices to cleverly condense your text.

         * Substitution of almost-equivalent citations, but with shorter
           names and fewer authors.  Elimination of citations of authors
           unlikely to be on review boards.

         * Elision of unnecessarily pompous literary devices: adjectives,
           adverbs and prepositions, for instance.

         * Automatic use of thesaurus to find short equivalents of long
           words:
                         relativistic -> fast
                         superlative -> rad
                         1.56 * 10^37 -> a lot

         * Elimination of vowels and consonants that seem "obvious enough".

         * Wide-scale deletion of mindless drivel.

         * Use of the "you can guess the rest" syntactic construct.

 Turn a 200 page thesis into an 8 page conference paper ($\alpha = .04$)!
 No document is too complex.  New users will marvel at the sophisticated
 foreign air about their papers!

------------------------------

Date:    Sat, 11 Apr 1998 17:51:55 -0400
From:    "Aditya, the Hindu Skeptic" <a018967t@BC.SEFLIN.ORG>
Subject: The Cow, an Assay!

Explanation: UPSC conducts examinations for the top civil servants in India.

In the recent UPSC examinations, a candidate has written an essay on the
Indian cow:

"The cow is a successful animal. Also he is quadrupud, and because he
is female, he give milk,but will do so when he is got child.He is same
like God,sacred to Hindus and useful to man.But he has got four legs
together. Two are forward and two are afterwards.

"His whole body can be utilised for use. More so the milk. What can it
do? Various ghee, butter,cream, curd, why and the condensed milk and so
forth.  Also he is useful to cobbler, watermans and mankind generally.

"His motion is slow only because he is of asitudinious species.  Also
his other motion is much useful to trees, plants as well as making flat
cakes in hand and drying in the sun. Cow is the only animal that extricates
his feeding after eating.  Then afterwards she chew with his teeth whom are
situated in the inside of the mouth.  He is incessantly in the meadows in
the grass.

"His only attacking and defending organ is the horn, specially so when
he is got child.  This is done by knowing his head whereby he causes the
weapons to be paralleled to the ground of the earth and instantly proceed
with great velocity forwards.

"He has got tails also, but not like similar animals.  It has hairs on
the other end of the other side.  This is done to frighten away the flies
which alight on his cohoa body whereupon he gives hit with it.

The palms of his feet are soft unto the touch.  So the grasses head is
not crushed.  At night time have poses by looking down on the ground and he
shouts his eyes like his relatives, the horse does not do so.

"This is the cow."

 P.S.: We are informed that the candidate passed the exam.

------------------------------

Date:    Sat, 11 Apr 1998 20:50:47 -0700
From:    Reza Banikazemi <Reza.Banikazemi@GTE.NET>
Subject: Who's in charge?

 One day the different parts of the body were having an argument to see
 which should be in charge:

 The brain said "I do all the thinking so I'm the most important and I
 should be in charge."

 The eyes said "I see everything and let the rest of you know where we are,
 so I'm the most important and I should be in charge."

 The hands said: "Without me we wouldn't be able to pick anything up or move
 anything. So I'm the most important and I should be in charge."

 The stomach said: "I turn the food we eat into energy for the rest of you.
 Without me, we'd starve. So I'm the most important and I should be in
 charge."

 The legs said: "Without me we wouldn't be able to move anywhere. So I'm the
 most important and I should be in charge."

 Then the rectum said: "I think I should be in charge."

 All the rest of the parts said:  "YOU?!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! You don't do
 anything! You're not as important as we surely are! You can't be in charge."

 So the rectum closed up. After a few days, the legs were all wobbly, the
 stomach was all queasy, the hands were all shaky, the eyes were all watery,
 and the brain was all cloudy.

 They all agreed that they couldn't take any more of this and agreed to put
 the rectum in charge.

 The moral of the story?
 You don't have to be the most important to be in charge.  Just an Asshole.

------------------------------

End of HUMOR Digest - 11 Apr 1998 to 12 Apr 1998
************************************************

