HUMOR Digest - 10 Apr 1998 to 11 Apr 1998
There are 13 messages totalling 715 lines in this issue.

Topics of the day:

  1. Baseball
  2. Puns
  3. Top5 - 4/10/98 - Rejected Motel 6 Slogans
  4. The chicken and the egg (suggestive)
  5. Easter humour [EXTREMELY blasphemous!!!]
  6. Parlez vous Francais or anything else?
  7. limerick
  8. Dam Business (long)
  9. Funny Signs
 10. Silly comments and questions about contemporary life
 11. Italian wedding invitation (offensive to Italians)
 12. Men Jokes Again! <the usual warning>
 13. Computer Engineer's Haggadah (fwd)

----------------------------------------------------------------------

Date:    Fri, 10 Apr 1998 03:18:35 -0400
From:    Jim Moore Jr <jimjr@QIS.NET>
Subject: Baseball

* Baseball season is underway in the US now.  I've never seen
  such salaries for the players.  The other day the Baltimore
  Orioles manager called the bullpen for a relief pitcher and
  he got an answering service.
                                - - - - -

* Spring training is always important for all of the players.
  A rookie was asked the size cap he wore.  He replied, "I
  don't know, I'm not in shape yet."
                                - - - - -

*   Early in the season like this players are still not assured
  they'll remain on the team.  One of our pitchers after a really
  bad inning came into the dugout and kicked the bat rack.
    The manager looked over at him and said, "Be careful, you'll
  break your foot; then we'll never be able to trade ya."
                                - - - - -

*   That reminds me of a story when I was a Little League Coach.
  Parents take the game far more seriously than their kids.  I
  had one boy who was a terrible hitter; no amount of coaching or
  extra practice seemed to help.  One day he got 3 hits in a row
  and I asked him what he had done to improve so much so fast.
    "Nothing much Coach." he answered.  "The other night after I
  struck out 3 times my Father threatened to trade me."
                                - - - - -

* One vendor was fired at the ballpark already too.  They caught
  him warming the hot dogs and chilling the beer.
                                - - - - -

* There for a while this year the Orioles looked so good on paper,
  serious consideration was given to take the grass out of the
  ballpark and replacing it with Astro-Paper.

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------------------------------

Date:    Fri, 10 Apr 1998 00:33:22 -0800
From:    Stan Kegel <kegel@FEA.NET>
Subject: Puns

If you've ever been to California, especially the Los Angeles area, you
know that there are a lot of very strange companies doing business out
there. Some of the strangest are the "agencies" that cater to
celebrities. Places that will, for a fee, analyze your best colors,
surroundings, wardrobe, you name it. A bit up the road, the Gallo winery
was looking for something for their employees to do in the off-season.
Most of the employees had highly trained noses, due to their experience
in the winery. So, the Gallo brothers took the incentive and opened up
their own agency in Beverly Hills. For a fee, of course, you could come
in and be "sniffed" by these trained noses. Afterwards, they would
analyze your best scents for perfume, flowers, incense, and so on. Well,
Marcel Marceau read about this in his Sunday paper, and he decided that
this was just the thing he'd been looking for. So, he called the agency
and set up an appointment for the coming Friday at 3:00 pm. Thursday
came, and by this time Marcel was really excited about his upcoming
appointment. He was at home, thinking about how he should prepare for
his "sniffing," when the phone rang: it was his agent. Marcel had to be
at an emergency benefit performance for natural disaster victims in
Australia. He had to be on the plane to Sydney at 3:00 pm on Friday.
Marcel was crestfallen. He was so much looking forward to his
appointment, and now he would have to miss it. Suddenly, he got an idea:
"I'll call them. I'll try to move the appointment up a few hours." So,
he called the agency and pleaded with the receptionist to, please,
PLEASE, let him come in a few hours early for his "sniffing." The
receptionist, in her best Beverly Hills attitude, practically glared him
down through the phone line, saying: "Monsieur Marceau! ... We will
smell no mime before it's time!"


I was surprised to see my psychiatrist in the audience of the Grammy
awards, and even more surprised when his name was read as the winner for
best new music genre. It's called, ... "Shrink Rap." (By Anita Gard)


One day, an elderly woman was walking along the street, coming home from
the supermarket. Her bag of groceries was especially heavy that day, and
as she passed Nathan Hale's Used Cars, she got an idea that she could
drive herself to the store and save a lot of shoe leather, time and
aching muscles. She walks into the car dealership and, as it just so
happens, gets the owner himself. He asks her what kind of car she wants
and she replies, "Well, sonny, I can't remember the name exactly, but it
has something to do with hate or anger." The dealer replies, "Well,
let's see... Oh yes, you want a Plymouth Fury! We have a couple on the
lot. What color do you prefer?" The lady has some trouble explaining the
exact color to him, so she reaches into her shopping bag, takes out an
ear of corn, strips down the shucks and says, "I want this color,
Sonny." To which Nathan replies, "Ma'am, I'm sorry, but we don't have
any in this color. Could I show you a nice blue one?" "No son, I want
this color." "But ma'am, they didn't make that color! Maybe a cherry red
one would suit you?" says the owner, obviously worried about losing a
sale. By this time, the old lady gets very angry, and starts throwing
things at the owner, thereby chasing him out of the office and into the
lot. One of the salesmen, coming into the office from the back door,
notices the disruption and asks the secretary what the old woman was so
upset about. The secretary replies, ... "Apparently, Hale hath no Fury
like the woman's corn!"

------------------------------

Date:    Fri, 10 Apr 1998 06:18:41 -0400
From:    John Vogel <jvogel@DGS.DGSYS.COM>
Subject: Top5 - 4/10/98 - Rejected Motel 6 Slogans

                         April 10, 1998

              The Top 16 Rejected Motel 6 Slogans
16> We're working on that smell thing, too.

15> Because you deserve better than the backseat of some car.

14> As seen on "COPS"

13> If We'd Known You Were Staying All Night, We'd Have
    Changed the Sheets

12> Not just for nooners anymore.

11> We left off the 9, but you know it's there.

10> You rented the room, now buy the video.

 9> Sure, you could stay someplace nicer, but then you
    wouldn't have money left over for a hooker.

 8> We'll leave the Lysol for ya!

 7> Hey, we're not the Ritz, but just try bringing your
    secretary there on *your* salary, pal!

 6> We don't make the adultery.  We make the adultery *better*

 5> It's Hookerriffic!

 4> Official Lodging of the 1998 Florida Marlins

 3> Blurring the line between stains and avant garde sheet art
    since 1962!

 2> Cheap and Easy -- Just Like Your Mother


    and the Number 1 Rejected Motel 6 Slogan...


 1> We put the "Ho" in "Motel"


[ This list copyright 1998 by Chris White and Ziff Davis, Inc. ]
[ The Top Five List   top5@walrus.com   http://www.topfive.com ]
[      To forward or repost, please include this section.      ]

------------------------------

Date:    Fri, 10 Apr 1998 08:29:41 -0400
From:    "Harter, Douglas" <Harter.Douglas@EXCHANGE.PADER.GOV>
Subject: The chicken and the egg (suggestive)

Thanks to another humor group  (rec.humor.funny)

A chicken and an egg are lying in bed. The chicken is smoking a cigarette
with a satisfied smile on its face and the egg is frowning and looking a bit
pissed off. The egg mutters, to no one in particular, "Well, I guess we
answered THAT question..."

------------------------------

Date:    Fri, 10 Apr 1998 08:34:27 -0400
From:    "Musat, Bob" <Bob.Musat@TRI-C.CC.OH.US>
Subject: Easter humour [EXTREMELY blasphemous!!!]

Hey!  You know how Good Friday got its name?!

This Roman centurion goes into Pontius Pilate's chambers and says,
"Pilate, we just crucified Christ!" and Pilate says, "GOOD!!!"

And ever since then....

------------------------------

Date:    Fri, 10 Apr 1998 09:45:49 -0400
From:    Terry Galan <galante@MCMAIL.CIS.MCMASTER.CA>
Subject: Parlez vous Francais or anything else?

 The following were winners in a New York Magazine contest in which
 contestants were to take a well-known expression in a foreign language,
 change a single letter and provide a definition for the new expression.

 HARLEZ-VOUS FRANCAIS? - can you drive a French motorcycle?

 EX POST FUCTO - Lost in the mail

 IDIOS AMIGOS - We're wild and crazy guys!

 VENI, VIPI, VICI - I came, I'm a very important person, I conquered.

 COGITO EGGO SUUM - I think, therefore I am a waffle.

 RIGOR MORRIS - The cat is dead.

 RESPONDEZ S'IL VOUS PLAID - Honk if you're Scottish.

 QUE SERA SERF - Life is feudal

 LE ROI EST MORT. JIVE LE ROI - The king is dead - No kidding!

 POSH MORTEM - Death styles of the rich and famous.

 PRO BOZO PUBLICO - Support your local clown.

 MONAGE A TROIS - I am three years old.

 FELIX NAVIDAD - Our cat has a boat.

 HASTE CUISINE - Fast French food.

 VENI, VIDI, VICE - I came, I saw, I partied.

 QUIP PRO QUO - A fast retort.

 MAZEL TON - Tons of luck

 APRES MOE LE DELUGE - Larry and Curly got wet.

 PORTE-KOCHERE -Sacramental wine.

 ICH LIEBE RICH - I'm really crazy about having dough.

 FUI GENERIS -What's mine is mine.

 VISA LA FRANCE -Don't leave your chateau without it.

 CA VA SANS DIRT - And that's not gossip.

 MERCI RIEN -Thanks for nothin!

 AMICUS PURIAE -Platonic friend.

 L'ETAT, C'EST MOO - I'm bossy around here.

 COGITO,ERGO SPUD - I think, therefore I Yam.

------------------------------

Date:    Fri, 10 Apr 1998 10:04:36 -0600
From:    Janelle Barker <jbarker@HOLLY.COLOSTATE.EDU>
Subject: limerick

There once was an old man from Esser,
Who's knowledge grew lesser and lesser.
        It at last grew so small,
        He knew nothing at all,
And now he's a College Professor.

------------------------------

Date:    Fri, 10 Apr 1998 10:04:28 -0700
From:    "Michael J. Irvin" <irvinmj@WSU.EDU>
Subject: Dam Business (long)

[Permission to post the following item that exceeds the 100-line limit has
 been granted by the Larry Randall <lrandall@asymail.faa.gov>, HUMOR
 co-listowner.]

This was an actual letter from and reply to the Michigan Department of
Environmental Quality.

State of Michigan

Reply To: Grand Rapids District Office
State Office Building 6th Floor
350 Ottawa NW
Grand Rapids MI 49503-2341

John Engler, Governor
Department Of Environmental Quality
Hollister Building, PO Box 30473,
Lansing MI 48909-7973

Russell J. Harding, Director

December 17, 1997

CERTIFIED

Mr. Ryan DeVries
2088 Dagget
Pierson, MI 49339

Dear Mr. DeVries:

SUBJECT:        DEQ File No. 97-59-0023-1 T11N, R10W,
Sec. 20, Montcalm County

It has come to the attention of the Department of Environmental Quality
that there has been recent unauthorized activity on the above referenced
parcel of property. You have been certified as the legal landowner and/or
contractor who did the following unauthorized activity: Construction and
maintenance of two wood debris dams across the outlet stream of Spring Pond.

A permit must be issued prior to the start of this type of activity. A
review of the Department's files shows that no permits have been issued.
Therefore, the Department has determined that this activity is in violation
of Part 301, Inland Lakes and Streams, of the Natural Resource and
Environmental Protection Act, Act 451 of the Public Acts of 1994, being
sections 324.30101 to 324.30113 of the Michigan Compiled Laws, annotated.
The Department has been informed that one or both of the dams partially
failed during a recent rain event, causing debris and flooding at
downstream locations. We find that dams of this nature are inherently
hazardous and cannot be permitted.

The Department therefore orders you to cease and desist all unauthorized
activities at this location, and to restore the stream to a free-flow
condition by removing all wood and brush forming the dams from the strewn
channel. All restoration work shall be completed no later than January 31,
1998.

Please notify this office when the restoration has been completed so that a
follow-up site inspection may be scheduled by our staff. Failure to comply
with this request or any further unauthorized activity on the site may
result in this case being referred for elevated enforcement action. We
anticipate and would appreciate your full cooperation in this matter.

Please feel free to contact me at this office if you have any questions.

Sincerely,
David L. Price
District Representative
Land and Water Management Division


			----Reply Letter----

Dear Mr. Price:

Re:     DEQ File No. 97-59-0023; T11N, R10W, Sec 20; Montcalm County

Your certified letter dated 12/17/97 has been handed to me to respond to.
You sent out a great deal of carbon copies to a lot of people, but you
neglected to include their addresses. You will, therefore, have to send
them a copy of my response.

First of all, Mr. Ryan DeVries is not the legal landowner and/or contractor
at 2088 Dagget, Pierson, Michigan - I am the legal owner and a couple of
beavers are in the (State unauthorized) process of constructing and
maintaining two wood "debris" dams across the outlet stream of my Spring
Pond. While I did not pay for, nor authorize their dam project, I think
they would be highly offended you call their skillful use of natural
building materials "debris." I would like to challenge you to attempt to
emulate their dam project any dam time and/or any dam place you choose. I
believe I can safely state there is no dam way you could ever match their
dam skills, their dam resourcefulness, their dam ingenuity, their dam
persistence, their dam determination and/or their dam work ethic.

As to your dam request the beavers first must fill out a dam permit prior
to the start of this type of dam activity, my first dam question to you is:
are you trying to discriminate against my Spring Pond Beavers or do you
require all dam beavers throughout this State to conform to said dam
request? If you are not discriminating against these particular beavers,
please send me completed copies of all those other applicable beaver dam
permits. Perhaps we will see if there really is a dam violation of Part
301, Inland Lakes and Streams, of the Natural Resource and Environmental
Protection Act, Act 451 of the Public Acts of 1994, being sections
324.30101 to 324.30113 of the Michigan Compiled Laws annotated.

My first concern is - aren't the dam beavers entitled to dam legal
representation? The Spring Pond Beavers are financially destitute and are
unable to pay for said dam representation - so the State will have to
provide them with a dam lawyer. The Department's dam concern that either
one or both of the dams failed during a recent rain event causing dam
flooding is proof we should leave the dam Spring Pond Beavers alone rather
than harassing them and calling their dam names.

If you want the dam stream "restored" to a dam free-flow condition -
contact the dam beavers - but if you are going to arrest them (they
obviously did not pay any dam attention to your dam letter-being unable to
read English) - be sure you read them their dam Miranda rights first. As
for me, I am not going to cause more dam flooding or dam debris jams by
interfering with these dam builders. If you want to hurt these dam beavers
- be aware I am sending a copy of your dam letter and this response to
PETA. If your dam Department seriously finds all dams of this nature
inherently hazardous and truly will not permit their existence in this dam
State - I seriously hope you are not selectively enforcing this dam policy
- or once again both I and the Spring Pond Beavers will scream prejudice!

In my humble opinion, the Spring Pond Beavers have a right to build their
dam unauthorized dams as long as the sky is blue, the grass is green and
water flows downstream. They have more dam right than I to live and enjoy
Spring Pond. So, as far as the beavers and I are concerned, this dam case
can be referred for more dam elevated enforcement action now. Why wait
until 1/31/98? The Spring Pond Beavers may be under the dam ice then and
there will be no dam way for you or your dam staff to contact/harass them
then.

In conclusion, I would like to bring to your attention a real environmental
quality (health) problem; bears are actually defecating in our woods. I
definitely believe you should be persecuting the defecating bears and leave
the dam beavers alone. If you are going to investigate the beaver dam,
watch your step! (The bears are not careful where they dump!)

Being unable to comply with your dam request, and being unable to contact
you on your dam answering machine, I am sending this response to your dam
office.

Sincerely,
Stephen L. Tvedten

xc: PETA

------------------------------

Date:    Fri, 10 Apr 1998 10:32:59 -0700
From:    Reza Banikazemi <Reza.Banikazemi@GTE.NET>
Subject: Funny Signs

On a ski lift in Taos, NM:
'No jumping from the lift. Survivors will be prosecuted.'
	     *******************
Official sign near door:  Door Alarmed.
Handprinted sign nearby:  Window frightened.
	     *******************
Guys:  No shirt, No service
Girls: No shirt, No charge
	     *******************
Road sign seen on the island of Cyprus
    (translation of the Greek):
'Caution: Road Slippery from Grapejuice'
	     *******************
A sign advertising a Company wide skiing race:
  'Let's see who can go downhill the fastest'
	     *******************
Sign in King's Canyon in California:
'Slow Parking Ahead'
	     *******************
MORE OF AN AD THAN A SIGN:
An Ad for BMW showing a photo of a BMW 328i convertible with the
roof and all the windows down. The caption reads:
'Our hardware runs better without WINDOWS!!!'
	     *******************
Two signs found on top of one another in a country
kitchen several years ago:
   Restrooms
    <-----
   Please wait for hostess to seat you.
	     *******************
Sign in front of church in Montpelier, VT:
'Bingo Friday night at 8:00pm
Quickies Thursday at  7:30pm.'
	     *******************
Seen in a health food store_
" Shoplifters will be beaten over the head with an organic carrot "
	     *******************
"Children left unattended will be towed at parents expense."
	     *******************
In a little hole-in-the-wall restaurant, a sign read:
"Women are not served here -
 You have to bring your own."

------------------------------

Date:    Fri, 10 Apr 1998 13:57:15 EST
From:    Bill Edwards <EDWARDS_BILL@COLSTATE.EDU>
Subject: Silly comments and questions about contemporary life

Selected from recent issues of The Vent
http://www.accessatlanta.com/local/thevent

Wouldn't you like to have seen Latrell Sprewell play for Bobby
Knight?

Think about it: If e-mail had been invented first, telephones would
be considered a quantum jump in technology and convience.

If the Russians can fire their entire government, they must be more
democratically advanced than we thought. Maybe THEY won the Cold War.

I think the world would have been a better place if they had issued
Cliff Notes along with the song, "American Pie."

My wife is addicted to "All My Children." My question is who is
the "my" who had all the children?

Obesity has now been linked to religion and to the number of hours
you watch TV. And all this time I thought it had something to do with
food.

When God created my grandchildren he was just showin' off.

The Academy Awards show will never win an Emmy.

My husband is overdrawn in the bank account of love.

My rural county tried a school uniformprogram but had to drop it.
With all that camouflage clothing, we kept losing the kids at recess.

------------------------------

Date:    Fri, 10 Apr 1998 12:44:12 MST
From:    Jim Winski! <jcw@UPI.UHCOLORADO.EDU>
Subject: Italian wedding invitation (offensive to Italians)

The following is an Italian wedding invitation:

,2 da wedding
Rosa Mr.

What does it mean?

,2 da wedding      -->  come'a to da wedding
Rosa Mr.           -->  Rosa missed her period.



Jim Winski
Programmer/Analyst, Information Systems
University Physicians, Inc. - Denver, CO

------------------------------

Date:    Fri, 10 Apr 1998 14:34:07 -0700
From:    CHARITY D CRENSHAW <charity.com1@JUNO.COM>
Subject: Men Jokes Again! <the usual warning>

What do people say when a stupid man enters a room with a beautiful woman
on his arm?
       "Where did you get the tattoo?"

You don't need to lead a man into temptation,
	He can usually find it on his own.

What's the best way to get a man to remember your anniversary?
	Get married on his birthday.

How many men does it take to change a toilet paper roll?
	Don't know, it's never happened before.

How are men like carpet tiles?
	If you lay them properly the first time around, you can walk
	all over them the rest of your life.

MAN: "I think I could make you very happy."
WOMAN: "Why? Are you leaving?"

Woman to Man: "Over eighty thousand sperm, and yours had to make it."

------------------------------

Date:    Fri, 10 Apr 1998 16:34:21 -0700
From:    Jack Kolb <KOLB@UCLA.EDU>
Subject: Computer Engineer's Haggadah (fwd)

>Thanks to Varda Ullman Novick

          ____________________________________________
          Release ISRAEL
          ISRAEL running in slave mode, cannot release
          Set ISRAEL;mode=master
          Pharaoh already running in master mode, cannot change ISRAEL
          Set Pharaoh;mode=slave
          Command ignored
          Load Moshe
          Done
          Deactivate Pharaoh
          Pharaoh account hard locked;cannot be deactivated
          For i=1 to 10 do plagues
          Are you sure? Y
          Done

          Release ISRAEL
          error: ISRAEL uninitialized
          Set ISRAEL = 600,000
          Done
          Release ISRAEL
          ISRAEL released

          Declare Matza;array(width=20,length=20,height=0)
          Done

          Move ISRAEL to Sinai
          OPERATOR WARNING! SYSTEM ABOUT TO CRASH! PHARAOH AND RED SEA
          HAVE LIMITED YOUR MEMORY SPACE! SAVE YOUR WORK!
          Save ISRAEL
          Specify save device
          Save ISRAEL with miracle
          Done

          Move ISRAEL to Sinai
          Done

          For I=1 to 10 do commandments
          Allocation conflict:Commandments cannot be operated with active/
          golden calf routine
          Destroy calf
          Done
          For I=1 to 10 do commandments
          Done; commandments stored on hard rock device

          Move ISRAEL to desert
          Warning! Command could lead to infinite loop
          Move ISRAEL to desert;limit=40 years
          Done

          Build Mishkan
          Syntax error
          Build Mishkan;owner=Betzalel
          Done

          Move ISRAEL to ISRAEL
          Warning: operand terms must be unique
          Move ISRAEL to CANAAN
          Overload: cannot move all of ISRAEL to CANAAN
          set ISRAEL = ISRAEL - (SPIES * 10)
          Done
          Move ISRAEL to CANAAN
          Done


Jack Kolb
Dept. of English, UCLA

------------------------------

End of HUMOR Digest - 10 Apr 1998 to 11 Apr 1998
************************************************

