HUMOR Digest - 9 Apr 1998 to 10 Apr 1998
There are 11 messages totalling 521 lines in this issue.

Topics of the day:

  1. Barbers
  2. Classic Puns
  3. The Blue Light Special
  4. Top5 - 4/9/98 - George Michael Excuses (fwd)
  5. Ligt bulb (a true story - longish)
  6. two foul jokes (x-rated)
  7. Supersilly comments and questions about contemporary life
  8. Riddle: What's This? (in poor taste)
  9. Mind Game
 10. lightbulbs and technology
 11. sound familiar

----------------------------------------------------------------------

Date:    Thu, 9 Apr 1998 03:05:03 -0400
From:    Jim Moore Jr <jimjr@QIS.NET>
Subject: Barbers

* Competition is sometimes hot and heavy between BarberShops.
  One place put up a sign: "Why pay $20 for a haircut ?
                            We only charge $7.00"
  Another store fought back: "$7 Haircuts Repaired Here"
                                - - - - -

* Lots of men don't like barbers to use the straight razor
  around the backs of their necks and around their ears when
  they get a haircut.  For them, there's a special electric
  razor barbers use --  it's called the "Chicken Shick".
                                - - - - -

* I got a bottle of that hair restorer product, "Rogaine",
  from my barber.  He said to carefully rub it in with two
  fingers.  Well... my head looks about the same, but now,
  I'm shaving my index and middle fingers every other day.
                                - - - - -

* Thought for the Day: When one barber gives another barber a
                       haircut, who's in charge of the talking?
                                - - - - -

*   Unfortunately, long hair for men seems to be making a bit
  of a comeback.  I was in the barbershop the other week and
  this refugee hippie from the 60's came in & said to one of
  the barbers, "Are you the guy who cut my hair last time ?"
    The barber looked at him and replied, "I don't think so.
  I've only been here four years."
                                - - - - -

* Lord knows what they use, but some of these young guys have
  so much gunk on their hair, they actually look greasy.  One
  such fellow came into the barbershop and a barber asked him
  if he wanted a cut, or just an oil change.

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------------------------------

Date:    Thu, 9 Apr 1998 01:42:44 -0800
From:    Stan Kegel <kegel@FEA.NET>
Subject: Classic Puns

     The chief of an Indian tribe in Western Nebraska was faced with a
dilemma. He had three daughters. The oldest was one of the most
beautiful women who ever lived. She was smart as well as beautiful. The
second daughter was also very beautiful, but not as striking as the
first. The third was very, very plain. (The tribe was a group of Plains
Indians.) There were three young Indian warriors vying for the
affections of the chief's daughters. To solve the dilemma and get his
daughters married, the chief proposed that the three Indian braves go
out into the forest and return with evidence of their hunting prowess.
All three braves agreed.
     The first Indian, the best warrior and hunter in the tribe,
immediately spotted a ferocious mountain lion. Taking his bow and arrow,
he shot the lion, skinned it and returned to camp with the pelt. The chief
was impressed, and asked the young warrior if he wanted to marry his oldest,
most beautiful, most accomplished daughter. The brave replied that he
did. The chief said, "Take your lion skin to your tepee, lay it on the
ground, and my daughter will join you. Then you may consummate your
marriage, and tomorrow, with all the rites and traditions of the tribe,
I shall perform the sacred marriage ceremony." The young Indian did as
he was directed.
     The second Indian, not as lucky as the first, took two days to find
prey worth shooting to prove his hunting prowess. He spotted a bear. He
shot it with his bow and arrow, skinned it, and returned to camp with the
bearskin. The chief was impressed, and he asked him if he wanted to
marry his second daughter. The brave replied that he did. The chief
said, "Take the bearskin to your tepee, lay the pelt on the ground, and
my daughter will join you. Then you may consummate your marriage, and
tomorrow, in all the rites and traditions of our tribe, I shall perform
the sacred marriage ceremony." The Indian did as he was directed.
     The third Indian was, to be frank, a bumbling, inept fool. He was no
warrior, he couldn't hunt, and he could barely build a fire. He had been
a failure at "Indianing" since anyone could remember. He went out to the
forest, but couldn't find a lion or bear. Finally, he did manage to find
a sleeping hippopotamus wallowing in the river. (Probably an escaped
hippopotamus from the circus or zoo, to explain its presence in western
Nebraska.) He shot it, skinned it, and brought the hippo skin back to
camp. The chief was impressed, and he realized that although this was no
fierce forest animal, the young brave had fulfilled his hunting
obligation. "Would you like to marry my third, plain daughter?" the
chief asked. The brave replied that he did. "Take the hippo skin to your
tepee, lay it on the ground, and my daughter will join you and you may
consummate your marriage. Tomorrow, with all the rites and traditions of
the tribe, I shall perform the sacred marriage ceremony." And the young
brave followed instructions.
     Oh, wonder of wonders! Nine months later, three wonderful events
occurred. The first Indian brave and his beautiful wife had a baby boy.
The second Indian brave and his beautiful wife had a baby boy. But the
bumbling Indian who was good at nothing, and his plain wife, who wasn't
much better, had twin boys! The tribe was amazed, none more than the
chief, because twins portended something special in Indian folklore, and
nobody could understand how this had happened to the third daughter and
the third brave. Finally the chief gathered the people around him and
said, "I believe I know the reason for this mighty and wonderful event.
Remember, ... the sons of the squaw on the hippopotamus is equal to the
sons of the squaws on the other two hides."


Once upon a time, far away in the ancient land of Persia, the ruler of
the country was called the Shah and his wife was known as the Shahnee.
And it came to pass, in the fullness of time, that the Shahnee gave
birth to a son, and this son, being the heir to the Peacock Throne was
given the title of Shan. It soon transpired that all was not well with
the young Shan and wise men were summoned from all over the kingdom to
the palace. They examined the Shan carefully; then they instructed the
scribes to write out enormous bills,; then they informed the Shah and
the Shahnee that their son, the Shan, heir to the Peacock Throne, was
epileptic. Now in those days there was no Medicare or super-efficient
public or private hospital system such as we enjoy in America today;
there was not much that could be done about his condition. So the wise
men got together, got their scribes to write out some more enormous
bills and recommended to the Shah that he appoint some special
bodyguards to take care of the Shan and watch over him all the time. And
it was so. Everywhere the little Shan went, the bodyguard went, too,
watching over him and taking care of him. For a while, all was well, but
then, one day, when many months had passed without any untoward
incident, the bodyguard grew complacent. The time came when he left the
Shan alone while he indulged in amorous dalliance with one of the ladies
of the court. And of course, it was at this time that the young Shan had
an epileptic seizure and, being unattended injured himself. Great was
the commotion in the Palace and the Shah waxed wrath. Summoning the
bodyguard into his presence he angrily demanded, ... "Where were you
when the fit hit the Shan?"


In conjunction with his retaliation against a coup attempt by a number
of rebellious nobles, George I had a huge mahogany rack constructed
intending to utilize it in punishing the leaders of the uprising. His
advisors solved the problem of transporting the rack to the upcoming
battle site, at a precipice overlooking the valley containing the enemy
encampment by renting forty pachyderms and hiring an African engineer
with reputed expertise in harnessing the huge beasts for productive
labor. Unfortunately, shortly after their arrival at the scene, the
elephants startled by nearby battle cries, stampeded, carrying the ramp
with the African on it, tumbling down the hill, rolling over the
opposition virtually destroying it. One of the survivors painfully
arose, crying out, "What in creation was that?" An anguished companion
stammered, "I'm not sure, but it looked like ... a rambling rack from
George's attack and an elephant engineer.
(By Dan Dutcher)

------------------------------

Date:    Thu, 9 Apr 1998 06:48:10 -0400
From:    Terry Galan <galante@MCMAIL.CIS.MCMASTER.CA>
Subject: The Blue Light Special

 A priest and a rabbi were talking when the rabbi asked the priest what
 goes on in the confessional. "I have an idea," said the priest. Why don't
 you sit with me on my side of the confession booth and hear it for
 yourself? No  one will ever know." A woman came into the booth and said,
 "Bless me Father for I have sinned." The priest asked, "What did you do?"
 "I cheated on my husband."
 "How many times?"
 "Three times."
 "Well," said the priest, "Say 5 Hail Marys and put 5 dollars in the
 offering box."
 Another woman came and said, "Bless me Father for I have sinned."
 The priest asked, "What did you do?"
 "I cheated on my husband."
 "How many times?"
 "Three times."
 Again the priest said, "Say 5 Hail Marys and put 5 dollars in the
 offering box."
 Then the priest said to the rabbi, "would you like to do the next
 confession?"
 The rabbi started to object, but the  priest said, "Go ahead. It's easy."
 So another woman came in and said, "Bless me Father for I have sinned."
 This  time the rabbi asked, "What did you do?"
 "I cheated on my husband."
 "How many times?"
 The woman said, "Twice."
 Then the rabbi said, "Well, you have another time coming to you.
 They're 3 for 5 dollars today."

------------------------------

Date:    Thu, 9 Apr 1998 06:19:46 -0400
From:    John Vogel <jvogel@DGS.DGSYS.COM>
Subject: Top5 - 4/9/98 - George Michael Excuses (fwd)

                         April 9, 1998

     NEWS FLASH!  Pop singer George Michael was arrested in
      Beverly Hills, California for allegedly engaging in
       lewd conduct while by himself in a park restroom.


           The Top 15 Excuses Given By George Michael

15> Trying to win a bet that he could be in the news in the 90s.

14> "Doesn't anybody bloody knock anymore!?"

13> "My publicist told me I needed more exposure."

12> Just working on the ol' solo act.

11> "You call *this* a lewd act?  Compared to the first Wham!
    tour??"

10> Accidentally gave himself that "I want your sex" look in
    the mirror.

 9> "Your strange foreign ways confuse me... Now look at my butt!"

 8> "Is it my fault I'm the only person good-looking enough to
    date me?"

 7> Original title of "I Want Your Sex" was "I Want Your Sex In The
    Men's Room of Will Rogers Park, Beverly Hills, California and
    If You Don't Show Up On Time, I'm Starting Without You."

 6> "Hey, why should that Milli Vanilli guy get all the attention?"

 5> "I just couldn't pass up a chance to look at me bum.  It's
    PERFECT!"

 4> "Hey, at least I didn't murder my ex-wife!!"

 3> Rehearsing for his new band, Whack!

 2> Rehearsing for upcoming role in "Dr. Elders, Medicine Woman."


    and the Number 1 Excuse Given By George Michael...


 1> Trying to get a feel for what Andrew Ridgeley's been doing
    for the last 12 years.


[ This list copyright 1998 by Chris White and Ziff Davis, Inc. ]
[ The Top Five List   top5@walrus.com   http://www.topfive.com ]
[      To forward or repost, please include this section.      ]

------------------------------

Date:    Thu, 9 Apr 1998 15:37:16 METDST
From:    Jan Kucera <kuc@FCE.VUTBR.CZ>
Subject: Ligt bulb (a true story - longish)

It really happened in Slovakia. At a students' party a student of medicine
declared that human jaws have such a "construction" that if you insert
a 60 Watt light bulb in your mouth, you will have big trouble to pull it out.
Nobody believed - if it goes in, it must go out as well. So one of the
students tried it when the party ended: he screwed out a  bulb in the
bathroom, put it in the mouth (with difficulty - it was quite a big one)
and found that it won't go out. An hour later his roommate found him
in the state of despair. They did not dare to crash the bulb and decided
that medical help was necessary. They went to a hospital by tram and tried
not to pay attetion to passengers gazing at a guy from whose mouth
a bulb screw sticked out.

The doctor was more surprized than the passengers - he was a novice
physician - so he called for an experienced surgeon. The surgeon had
to dislocate the jaw, take out the bulb, and reposition the jaw (of
course not without some pain for the student).

As it was rather late the students decided to return home by a cab. The
taxi driver was curious and asked why the student had a bandage around his
chin, so the boys told him the story. The driver could not believe,
grabbed for the bulb and in his mouth it went. Of course, the bulb
refused to go out again. He took the students to the dorm and then
visited the hospital. Imagine the face of the surgeon when he had to
remove the same bulb again during the same night.

With due credits to "The Invisible Dog" - a Czech online newspaper
where the story appeared today.

--
Jan Kucera; system administrator
Department of Computer Science
Faculty of Civil Engineering
Technical University Brno, Czechia

------------------------------

Date:    Thu, 9 Apr 1998 08:16:37 -0700
From:    Jack Kolb <KOLB@UCLA.EDU>
Subject: two foul jokes (x-rated)

[Thanks to Shelly Gibson]

   A man longs to wed a maiden with her virtue intact.  He searches for one
but resigns himself to the fact that every female over the age of 10 in his
town has been at it.
   Finally he decides to take matters in hand and adopts a baby girl from
the orphanage.  He raises her until she is walking and talking and then
sends her away to a monastery for safekeeping until marrying age.  After
many years she finally reaches maturity and he retrieves her from the
monastery and marries her.
   After the wedding they make their way back to his house and into the
bedroom where they both prepare themselves for the consummation.  They lie
down together in his bed and he reaches over for a jar of petroleum jelly.
   "Why the jelly?" she asks him.
   "So I don't hurt your most delicate parts during the act of lovemaking,"
he replies.
   "Well, why don't you just spit on your cock like the monks did?"
				------------

When did Pinocchio discover that he was made of wood?

When his hand caught on fire.


Jack Kolb
Dept. of English, UCLA

------------------------------

Date:    Thu, 9 Apr 1998 13:39:07 EST
From:    Bill Edwards <EDWARDS_BILL@COLSTATE.EDU>
Subject: Supersilly comments and questions about contemporary life

Selected from recent issues of the Atlanta J-C's the Vent column
http://www.accessatlanta.com/local/thevent

If you think the IRS is hostile and insensitive, try dealing with a
credit collection agency with incorrect information. Those people
make the IRS look like a soft touch.

As one ages, it is important to remember which pocket has the pills
and which pocket has the change. Yesterday, I felt a heart pain, and
took 35 cents.

My mom said I could invite 20 people to my 13th birthday party; I've
already invited 50. I don't think I'll live to be 14.

My wife treats me like a god. She feeds me burnt offerings every day.

When I hit the lottery, I'm going to get my transmission fixed.

Why do our kids have to take the Iowa Test for Basic Skills? Why
can't we have a Georgia Test of Basic Skills with questions like,
"Bubba's got three cars and he done traded for two more. How many
cement blocks is Bubba gonna need?"

What's all the fuss about same-sex marriages? I've been married for
years, and I keep have the same sex.

Gossip: A person who will never tell a lie if the truth will do more
damage.

Georgie Porgie puddin' and pie, kissed the girls and made them cry
sexual harassment.

What should a neighorhood do if all its Neighborhood Watch signs are
stolen overnight?

I told my daughter she had to obey her mother. She asked why and I
replied, "Because we all have to."

I'm in perfect health and Ie at from the four basic food groups:
salt, sugar, alcohol and grease.

------------------------------

Date:    Thu, 9 Apr 1998 15:26:34 -0700
From:    "Michael J. Irvin" <irvinmj@WSU.EDU>
Subject: Riddle: What's This? (in poor taste)

Picture a woman, mouth closed, cheeks bulging, uttering a muffled
"mmm-mm-mmm" as if trying to speak.

Q: What is this?

A: Monica Lewinsky withholding evidence.

------------------------------

Date:    Thu, 9 Apr 1998 21:23:46 EDT
From:    TejasMehta <TejasMehta@AOL.COM>
Subject: Mind Game

First, write down the numbers 3 -11 in a column.

Write the names of two people (of whatever sex you're attracted to)
you know in the 3rd and 7th spaces.

Write anyone's name you know (like friends or family...) in the 4th, 5th, and
6th spaces.

Write four song titles in 8, 9,10 and 11.

Finally, make a wish...

The  name in 3 is the one you love.
The person in 7 is the one you like but can't work out.
You care most about the person you put in 4.
Fifth is the one you knows you very well.
The name in 6 is your lucky star.
The song in 8 is the song that matches with the person in 3.
The title in 9 is the song for 7.
The tenth space is the song telling you about your mind.

And 11 is the song telling what you feel for sex.

------------------------------

Date:    Thu, 9 Apr 1998 21:50:58 -0600
From:    Janelle Barker <jbarker@HOLLY.COLOSTATE.EDU>
Subject: lightbulbs and technology

How many hardware engineers does it take to change a lightbulb?
None: "We'll fix it in software."

How many software engineers does it take to change a lightbulb?
None: "We'll document it in the manual."

How many tech writers does it take to change a lightbulb?
None: "The user can work it out."

------------------------------

Date:    Thu, 9 Apr 1998 21:48:41 -0800
From:    Steven & Susan <sgarrett@NWRAIN.COM>
Subject: sound familiar

Dakota tribal wisdom says that when you discover you are riding a dead
horse, the best strategy is to dismount.

In business, however, it seems that we often try other strategies
with dead horses, including the following:

1.   Buying a stronger whip.
2.   Changing riders.
3.   Saying things like "This is the way we always have ridden this           horse."
4.   Appointing a committee to study the horse.
5.   Arranging to visit other sites to see how they ride dead horses.
6.   Increasing the standards to ride dead horses.
7.   Appointing a tiger team to revive the dead horse.
8.   Creating a training session to increase our riding ability.
9.   Comparing the state of dead horses in today's environment.
10.  Change the requirements declaring that "This horse is not dead."
11.  Hire contractors to ride the dead horse.
12.  Harnessing several dead horses together for increased speed.
13.  Declaring that "No horse is too dead to beat."
14.  Providing additional funding to increase the horse's performance.
15.  Do a CA Study to see if contractors can ride it cheaper.
16.  Purchase a product to make dead horses run faster.
17.  Declare the horse is "better, faster and cheaper" dead.
18.  Form a quality circle to find uses for dead horses.
19.  Revisit the performance requirements for horses.
20.  Say this horse was procured with cost as an independent variable.
21.  Promote the dead horse to a supervisory position.

------------------------------

End of HUMOR Digest - 9 Apr 1998 to 10 Apr 1998
***********************************************

