HUMOR Digest - 8 Apr 1998 to 9 Apr 1998
There are 11 messages totalling 503 lines in this issue.

Topics of the day:

  1. Redneck Computer Meenins Part 3
  2. Gone Fishin'
  3. Leroy Does it Again (adult)
  4. Middle East Relations
  5. SPAM <off to Sanford Wallace?>
  6. Top 14 Tips for Surviving College <Adult themes, language>
  7. spelling problem
  8. Starr, Clinton <politics>
  9. Nonchalant coments and questions about contemporary life
 10. The Italian Man's Visit <Off to italians, adult language>
 11. Italian obituary

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Date:    Tue, 7 Apr 1998 23:14:56 -0800
From:    Stan Kegel <kegel@FEA.NET>
Subject: Redneck Computer Meenins Part 3

QUEUE : (1) idea as in she hasnt got a queue
        (2) stick used to hit poolball
RAID :  (1) roach motel
        (2)  wen the cops crash yur party
RANDOM ACCESS MEMORY: wen ya cant member wen yer wife asks ware ya were and
who you wer with
REAL TIME :  on TV live, not delayed
REBOOT : wucha do wen ya step in horse manuer
RELOAD : (1) fill the frig with 6-pacs and chips
         (2) wacha do after usin yer guns
RAM :  (1) lambs daddy
       (2) whacha do to a car goin too slow on the hiway
RAM CHIP : male sheep droppins
ROM :  (1) the jungle pimp-in-the-box
       (2) the Popes home
       (3) good to drink with Coca Cola.
SCANNER : watchin a female disco dancer
SCREEN : thing to keep the flies out
SCSI:  what you call your week old underware
SECURITY :  (1) bank guard
            (2) why yer gal wants to get hitched
            (3) wat the bank keeps until ya pays back the lone
SERIAL PORT : breakfast wine
SERVER : gal in resterant that brings yur food
SHAREWARE : wen ya use yur rummates clothes
SHELL ACCOUNT : gas station credit card
SOFTWARE : (1) them plastic eatin utensils ya git at MacDonalds
           (2) yer gals cashmire sweater
SPAM : meat for special occashuns
SPREADSHEET : wat ya put on the table for thanksgivin dinner
STATIONARY : not movin as most wives in bed
SUPERCONDUCTORS : (1) Glenn Miller, Doc Severnsen, Lawrence Welk
                  (2) ticket takers on the express train
SUPPORT : (1) drink fancy wine slowly
          (2) wat bras do
          (3) wat ya hav to giv yur ex fur the kids
TERMINAL : time to call the undertaker
TEXT : dude from Dallas
TOKEN RING : wat ya usta git on the merry-go-round to git a free ride
UPDATE : wen ya rite a check so it cant be used until next month
UPGRADE : (1) when teechur changes an F to a D
          (2) skule term fur permoshun as upgrade to 2nd after jus 2 yers
              in 1st
UNZIP : open yur pants
USENET : wat ya do wen ya bring in a big fish
URL : wat ya dont want the doc to say at yer yeerly exam
VECTOR : winner of the fite or race
VERSION : wucha dislike as in he has a version to broccoli
VIRUS : same as a code but wurse
WEBMASTER : female spider
WEBSITE : ware spiders catch flies
WINDOW : place in a truk to hang your guns
WINDOWS : wucha shut when its 30 below
WORM : (1) wacha put on a fish hook
       (2) watcha use a blanket to get
ZIP DRIVE : goin fast at NASCAR

------------------------------

Date:    Wed, 8 Apr 1998 03:38:25 -0400
From:    Jim Moore Jr <jimjr@QIS.NET>
Subject: Gone Fishin'

* There are really only two basic kinds of fisherman:
  Sport fishermen and those who catch fish.
                                - - - - -

* Any fisherman will tell ya fishing is a matter of timing.
  Basically, you had to get there yesterday to catch anything.
                                - - - - -

* Don't think fishing isn't a dangerous sport either.  I once
  dislocated both shoulders describing a Thrasher Shark I caught.
                                - - - - -

* We all know about Texans in the US and their tall tales. Well,
  my displaced Texas friend, Bruno, was telling me about a lake
  in Texas where it was so crowded with fish, that the fish all
  have to swim standing on their tails.
                                - - - - -

*   Bruno never lets up either.  I showed him a picture of a fish
  I had once caught that was rather impressive.  He said, "I got
  me one of them too -- a full 11 inches."
    I replied, "Bruno !  You can clearly see this fish is a lot
  bigger than any 11 inches."
    He smiled and slowly said, "Jim, in Texas we measure all the
  fish between their eyes -- saves carrying around a big tape."
                                - - - - -

*   I'll say this about him though.  Bruno has the patience of a
  saint.  We were once sitting in a boat about 3 hours, and no
  bites at all.  I shuffled my feet and my position to get more
  comfortable after staying still for so long.
    He glanced over and said, "You come here to fish or dance ?"

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------------------------------

Date:    Wed, 8 Apr 1998 06:38:13 -0400
From:    Terry Galan <galante@MCMAIL.CIS.MCMASTER.CA>
Subject: Leroy Does it Again (adult)

 Once again Homey Leroy was asked to do a simple homework assignment.
 Still befuddled by the whole school thing, Leroy is a trooper. He was
 given another set of vocabulary words to use in sentences. Here's what he
 handed in:

  1.  HONOR ROLL - We was playin poker on the stoop the other day, man I
                   was HONOR ROLL.

  2.  PLANET - I got me some seed to grow  weed, so I PLANET in the
               backyard.

  3.  DISMAY - I went for a blood test, the doctor pulled out a big
               needle. He said DISMAY hurt a little.

  4.  OMELETTE - Every time I start a new job, OMELETTE go after a week.

  5.  STAIRWAY - When me and my homies get high, we STAIRWAY into space

  6.  MOBILE - I went to buy crack, I was short on cash, my man said gimme
               one MOBILE

  7.  DEFENSE - I ran from the cops, and hopped DEFENSE and got away.

  8.  AFRO - I got so mad at my bitch, AFRO a lamp at her.

  9.  AFTERMATH - I like to be high in school, so AFTERMATH I go to the
                  field and smoke weed.

  10.  LOCKET - I slam the door so hard, I LOCKET.

  11.  DOMINEERING - My girly's birthday was yesterday, I got her a
                     DOMINEERING.

  12.  KENYA - I needed change fo the subway, so I axe a stranger KENYA
               spare some change.

  13.  DERANGE - DERANGE is where da deer and antelope play.

  14.  DATA -  At my basketball game, I scored thirty points. My coach
               said 'DATA boy'.

  15.  COPULATE - I called 911 and an hour later when they show up, I said
                  COPULATE.

  16.  FASCINATE - My girly's titty's are so big. Her shirt has ten
                   buttons but she can only FASCINATE.

  17.  BEWARE - I asked at the unemployment office, "Is this BEWARE I get
                a job?"

  18.  DIMENSION - I be tall, dark, handsome and not DIMENSION hung like
                   a horse.

  19.  COATROOM - The judge said, "One more outburst like that, you'll be
                  thrown out the COATROOM.

  20.  DECIDE - I like Wanda and Yolanda, but I like to have couple of
                bitches on DECIDE.

------------------------------

Date:    Wed, 8 Apr 1998 06:49:50 -0400
From:    Gwendolyn E Eckman <geckman@POLARIS.UMUC.EDU>
Subject: Middle East Relations

Clinton visits Saddam Hussein to talk about the weapon-inspections in
Iraq.  As he sits down he sees three buttons in the arm-rest of the chair
of Saddam.  When Saddam sits down, Clinton immediately asks:'why are there
three buttons in your arm-rest?'

'You'll see' replies Saddam.

They start the talks, but after 10 minutes Saddam presses the 1st button,
and 'WHACK' a boxing glove hits Clinton in the face, Clinton grabs his
nose, while Saddam is laughing himself silly. Clinton remains calm because
he doesn't want this to affect the talks.

After another 10 minutes, Saddam presses the 2nd button and another boxing
glove hits Clinton in the stomach.  While Clinton is gasping for air,
Saddam falls out of his chair from laughing.  Clinton gets annoyed by now,
but still remains outwardly calm.

They resume the talk, but after 5 minutes Saddam presses the final button,
and from under the table another boxing glove hits Clinton, right in the
groin. Clinton is really fed up by it now and stands up to leave. 'We'll
continue this talk next week in the White House' says the President.
Saddam, choking from laughing, is too proud to say no, so the appointment
stands.

A week later Clinton receives Saddam in the Oval Office, and as Saddam
sits down, he sees three buttons in the arm-rest of Clinton's chair.

As the meeting goes on, Saddam sees that Clinton presses the first button,
and ducks really fast, but nothing seems to happen.  This doesn't stop
Clinton from laughing...really loud.

After this, Clinton continues where he left off, until he presses another
button. Saddam reacts really quick, and jumps up.  Absolutely nothing
happens, and this time Clinton falls out of his chair laughing. Saddam
doesn't get it - what the hell is happening here?

But he hasn't been harmed yet, so he sits down again to talk further.
After a few minutes Clinton presses the final button. This time, Saddam
stays sitting, but Clinton isn't, he's is rolling on the floor, doubled up
from laughing.  Saddam is really annoyed by now, so he stands up from his
chair and shouts: "I've had enough of this, I'm going back to Baghdad"

(Through tears of laughter from the floor) - "Baghdad?.....what Baghdad?"

------------------------------

Date:    Wed, 8 Apr 1998 13:09:53 +0200
From:    Maurizio Mariotti <mariotti@IAFRICA.COM>
Subject: SPAM <off to Sanford Wallace?>

(By Matthew Breitenstine)

BAGHDAD, IRAQ (AP) - March 11, 1998 -
Saddam Hussein today announced his pledge to fight terrorism, starting
with "the fool who crashed my 286 with junk e-mail spam". The iron fisted
leader went on to state that it took nearly five years to scavenge the
countryside for stray computer parts "just to get on the net." After
months of receiving busy signals from America Online, Saddam was finally
able to negotiate (handshake) with the AOL server. He then went to download
his e-mail, expecting to receive the customary AOL welcome e-mail message.
But much to his dismay he was hit hard by Sanford Wallace's spam puking
Cyber-Bomber Program.

The attack consisted of endless copies of the exact same junk e-mails
such as "Get Rich Quick", "Internet Porno Site Adverts", etc., etc..
The attack was so hard & heavy that Saddam's 120 MB hard drive simply
crashed within a matter of minutes. Saddam stated that Mr. Wallace has
got himself in the same predicament as Salman Rushdie, and will have
nowhere to hide.

Reaction amongst netizens was generally positive, and in total
agreement with Saddam's decree.

Sources at the Pentagon stated that Mr. Wallace will most likely be
placed in the Wit-less Protection Program (funded by a new tax on all
e-mails).

Furthermore, Pentagon Officials were so impressed with the
capabilities of the Cyber-Bomber Program, that this highly effective
technology will now become property of the Department of Defense. No
further details were given in regards to further research and
development of junk e-mail spamming as a weapon of mass irritation.

Mr. Spamford Wallace was unavailable for comment.

------------------------------

Date:    Wed, 8 Apr 1998 06:46:36 -0500
From:    Jennifer Walker <jkwalker@TENET.EDU>
Subject: Top 14 Tips for Surviving College <Adult themes, language>

Taken from Trashlaughs


The Top 14 Tips for Surviving College

14> Minimize food budget by scheduling classes around Happy Hour.

13> Enjoy being a Sophomore -- It will be the best three years of
    your life.

12> Wear an athletic cup to panty raids, because it's all fun and
    games until someone loses their 'nads.

11> Lemon juice and baking soda make an excellent bong water
    stain remover.

10> Earn extra cash by parlaying chemistry knowledge into
    lucrative "home pharmaceuticals" business.

 9> If an 8:00 am class is required for your major, change your
    major.

 8> Boring lecture?  Start a wave!

 7> College-level algebra: 5 returnable bottles = 1 delicious
    Ramen Noodle dinner.

 6> "I Phelta Thi" is *not* a real fraternity, except at state
    colleges.

 5> Remember - almost no one complains when you puke in a
    dumpster.

 4> Clever margin manipulation can turn a 4-page outline into
    a 100-page senior essay.

 3> Football games were never meant to be observed by sober
    people.

 2> Don't think of it as sleeping with your professor -- think of
    it as "acing Biology."

	and the Number 1 Tip for Surviving College...

 1> In a pinch, milk can be used as a beer substitute in your
    breakfast cereal.

------------------------------

Date:    Wed, 8 Apr 1998 08:26:49 -0600
From:    Janelle Barker <jbarker@HOLLY.COLOSTATE.EDU>
Subject: spelling problem

If an S and an I and an O and a U
With an X at the end spell Su;
And an E and a Y and an E spell I,
Pray what is a speller to do?
Then, if also an S and an I and a G
And an HED spell side,
There's nothing much left for a speller to do
But to go commit siouxeyesighed.
                -- Charles Follen Adams, "An Orthographic Lament"

------------------------------

Date:    Wed, 8 Apr 1998 14:40:56 -0500
From:    Joe Hickman <comedy@FLASH.NET>
Subject: Starr, Clinton <politics>

   Kenneth Starr's report to Congress on alleged impeachable offenses by
President Clinton involving Monica Lewinsky is almost ready. It'll be
presented as a live daytime drama sponsored by Right-Wing Detergent, the
powerful new soap created especially to clean up the Oval Office.

Jobs Bill Clinton could do if this presidential thing fizzles:
 - Become a French fry fat consultant for McDonalds.
 - Partner with Dick Morris in operating a really strange bi-partisan
900 sex-talk line.
 - Represent Oprah in suing mad cows.
 - Chair the health-care task force when Hillary is elected President.
 - Sell access to high-ranking Democrats on the Home Shopping Network.
In China.
 - Open a dating service for government interns.
 - Become a highly-paid beach dancer in Miami.
 - Model jogging shorts designed especially for white thighs.
 - Get revenge by talking Janet Reno into appointing him Special
Persecutor.
 - Sign on with a circus as "Schmucko the Clown."
 - Invite former girlfriends to attend Tuppernose parties.


>From Ha! at http://www.flash.net/~comedy

------------------------------

Date:    Wed, 8 Apr 1998 20:01:56 EST
From:    Bill Edwards <EDWARDS_BILL@COLSTATE.EDU>
Subject: Nonchalant coments and questions about contemporary life

These examples of humor were selected from recent issues of The Vent
column: http://www.accessatlanta.com/local/thevent

The three major food groups are canned, forzen and takeout.

Sacred cows make the best hamburgers.

Thank goodness Congress is on spring break. Now our elected officials
can get down to the really important business of campaigning.

After a recent stroke, I gave up french fries, but if they raise the
cigarette tax by $1.50, I won't be able to afford my medication.

If Clinton keeps getting more girlfriends, he can have his own
illustrated calendar: "The Women of the Clinton Era."

Do wet hens really get mad?

I'm worried about my daughter's boyfriend. I told him she had to be
home by 10:15 and he said, "October 15? Cool!"

Researchers are very concerned about why women outlive men. If it was
the other way around, would they even care?

Why is it that every time gasoline prices go down, the liberals start
calling for higher taxes on gas?

If Republicans hate government so much, why is it that they insist on
being first in line to get the best benefits?

------------------------------

Date:    Wed, 8 Apr 1998 21:46:14 -0400
From:    C and R <doglover@BIT-NET.COM>
Subject: The Italian Man's Visit <Off to italians, adult language>

	(This is suposed to be read with an italian accent)

One day Ima go to New York to a bigga hotel. I go down to eat soma breakfast. I tella the waitress I want two piss toast. She branga me only wona piss. I tella her I wanna two piss. She says go to the toilet. I say you no understand...I want two piss on my plate. She say you better not piss on the plate you sonna ma bitch! I dont even know the lady and sha calla me sonna ma bitch.

Later, I go to eat soma lunch at Emma's restaurant. The waitress bringa me a spoon ana knife, but no fock. I tella her I wanna fock. She tella me everyone wanna fock. I tella her you no understand, I wanna fock on the table. She say you better not fock on the table you sonna ma bitch! I dont even know the lady and she calla me a sonna ma bitch.

So I go back to room inna hotel, and there's no sheet on my bed. I calla the manager ana tell him I wanna sheet. He tells me to go to the toilet. So I say you no understand, I wanna sheet on the bed. He says you better not sheet on the bed, you sonna sonna ma bitch. I dont even know the man ana he call me sonna ma bitch.

I go the the checkout and the man at the desk say peace to you...I say piss onna you too, you sonna ma bitch! :->


http://www.bit-net.com/~doglover

------------------------------

Date:    Wed, 8 Apr 1998 21:22:02 -0600
From:    Les Pourciau at UMem <POURCIAU@LATTE.MEMPHIS.EDU>
Subject: Italian obituary

 Staten Island contractor, Procofacio Unscrupulata, age 62, of 69
 Grotto Boulevard, South Beach, died yesterday from injuries
 received in the collapse of a building he was inspecting prior to
 sale at a public auction.

 Born in Monte Marrona, Sicily, Unscrupulata was brought into this
 country at the age of 11 by his parents, Regurgito and Nauseatta
 Unscrupulata.  Prior to his untimely demise, Unscrupulata was the
 president of the Negligenta Construction Company, which he
 founded with his late brother, Devio.  Before his association
 with the Negligenta Construction Company, Unscrupulata worked for
 the Profuso Cesspool Cleaning and Catering Company.  He is
 survived by his wife, Inconsolata: their sons, Retardo, Cretio
 and Imbecillio; daughters Ovaria, Fallopia, and Clitoria: two
 sisters, Mrs. Hysteria Psicosi and Mrs. Mammaria Pendulosa: a
 half-brother, Prolifico Fornicata and 14 grandchildren, all of
 the Grotto Boulevard address.

 Active for many years in community affairs, Unscrupulata was also
 a member of the Sons of Sicily Sharpshooters Society, the Il Duce
 Theology and Boccee Club, Insanisortos Pizzeria Bowling League,
 and past president of the South Beach Pink Flamingo Lawn and
 Garden Alliance.  Until recently he appeared also in local
 carnivals performing his never-to-be-forgotten knife throwing act
 with the late Inadverto Castrato.

 The Very Reverend Celibata Unfortunato of the St. Bastardo Church
 will offer a Solemn High Requiem Bingo game on Wednesday.
 Interment will be at the Arriverderci Roma Memorial Park.
 Funeral arrangements will be handled by the Rigori-Mortisio
 Funeral Parlor and Excavating Company.

 In the event that strange panel trucks are seen in the vicinity
 of the cemetery, guests are advised to bring large hankerchiefs,
 dark glasses and large hats.  In lieu of flowers, envelopes will
 be collected by the deceased's friend of long standing, Miss
 Amicobilata Clandestino, at whose beach house the party will be held.

------------------------------

End of HUMOR Digest - 8 Apr 1998 to 9 Apr 1998
**********************************************

