HUMOR Digest - 7 Apr 1998 to 8 Apr 1998
There are 10 messages totalling 601 lines in this issue.

Topics of the day:

  1. Religion
  2. Redneck Computer Meenin's Part 2
  3. Off-leash behavior (poss off to harried mothers and/or human beings)
  4. Monica Lewinsky's Diary
  5. Humor:Mature content
  6. Two items
  7. Classic moments in British journalism
  8. AIDS clinic <offensive to people with HIV>, T-shirt, rat
  9. Armey and Clinton <political>
 10. at the track

----------------------------------------------------------------------

Date:    Tue, 7 Apr 1998 03:31:42 -0400
From:    Jim Moore Jr <jimjr@QIS.NET>
Subject: Religion

* In days past, all of us used to feel sorry for the baby
  Jesus being born in a manger and all.  But these days, the
  way HMO's are dealing with maternity, actually, he didn't
  have it all that bad when ya think about it.
                                - - - - -

* I guess you could say I've moved into the 90's now too.  I
  created a database on my computer to count my blessings.
                                - - - - -

* I had the oddest dream the other nite about Heaven.  In order
  to get there, you had to climb this ladder and mark each rung
  with chalk for each time you had sinned.  I woke up totally
  exhausted, as I had to keep going back down to get more chalk.
                                - - - - -

* For those of you who don't know, there's quite a controversy
  going on at present in the Jewish religion over traditional
  beliefs and New Age/Reformed ones.  For example, there's a
  new Temple that just opened in Columbia Maryland that's so
  reformed, they can do a 24 hour fast in an hour and a half.
                                - - - - -

*   The Priest had just finished hearing the man's confession
  & was considering the man's penitence.  "Are you sure you're
  going to try to set aside all sin ?"
    "Yes Father, I certainly am going to try." replied the man.
  "I here-by resolve to double my efforts."
    "And you're going to attend Mass regularly my son ?" the
  Priest went on.
    "Yes Father, I realize I have strayed." said the man. "I
  shall both worship and confess every week."
    "And how about your debts and those you have cheated ?"
  inquired the Priest.
    "Now just a minute Father." said the man.  "Now you're
  talking business and not religion."

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------------------------------

Date:    Mon, 6 Apr 1998 23:40:13 -0800
From:    Stan Kegel <kegel@FEA.NET>
Subject: Redneck Computer Meanin's Part 2

GOPHER : small animal that digs holes in yer lon
HACKER : granpa after 62 years of smokin
HANDSHAKING : granma with parkinsons
HARDCODE : wen the snoot in yer nose gets real dry
HARD COPY: pictur to look at when selecting tattoos
HARD DRIVE : gettin home in the muddy season with a flat tire
HARDWARE : (1) leather and spats
           (2) yer rifle and guns
HEADER : a game as in the braves are playin a dubble header
HOMEPAGE : place in the newspaper with houses for sale
IBM : anser wen teechur calls yur name
ICON : braggin as in icon lift yur truk with one arm
INDEX : what poker cards cum in
INFRARED : ware the leftovers go when Freds here
INSTALL : ware ya keep your horse
INTERACTIVE : run into the house
INTERNET : (1) wut the bait duz wen ya catch it
           (2) ware cafeteria workers put thar hair
INTERNET EXPLORER : a currous fish
ITALIC : furriner from Roam
JAVA : strong coffee
JAVA APPLETS :  fritters for dunkin
JAZZ DRIVE ; fancy new sports car
JOYSTICK : wat you open yur pants fur
KEYBOARD : ware ya hang yur truk keys
LAN : (1) to borrow as,  Bert, lan me yur truk
      (2) the grass in fronta yur house
LAPTOP : ware the little kids jump on to sit
LASER PRINTER : fella too tired ta rite his ma
LINK : breakfast sausage
LOG ON : making a wood stove hotter
LOG OFF : takin the wood off the pile fur usin
MAC : yur kids favorite food
MAIN FRAME : wut holds up the barn roof
MANUAL : truk without automatic geers
MEGABYTE : wucha git from Meg durin luvmakin
MEGAHERTZ : (1) watcha git when yer not keerful gettin the farwood
            (2) yer head after 3 six-paks
MEMORY : watcha dont furgit
MEMORY CARD : used to cheat on tests
MENU : restarent list
MICROCHIP : wuts left in the munchie bag when the chips are gone
MICROFICHE : tiny fish used fur bait
MICROPROCESSOR : fine meat chopper fur making sausage
MICROSOFT : defrostin a TV dinner in the microwave
MICROSOFT WINDOWS : small plastic things on return envelopes
MICROSOFT WORD : whisper
MIME : belongs to me
MODEM : whacha do to the grass twisa yeer
MONITOR : teachur's helper at lunch
MOTHERBOARD : source of toothpicks
MOTOR HOUSING : a winnebago
MOUSE :  fuzzy white thing wut eats the horses grain in the barn and ya
can stuff in your beer bottle to get a free case
MOUSE PAD: where Mickey and Minnie live
MULTICASTING : two actors taking turns playing a part in a play
MULTISYNC : two washing areas in the same bathroom
NETSCAPE NAVIGATOR ; leeder of fish eludin comershall fishermen
NETWORK : (1) ESPN, FOX, NBC
          (2) scoopin up a big fish befor it brakes the line
NEWSGROUP : wives gossippin
NOVELL : (1) a fictional book
         (2) a new way of doin sumthing
ONLINE: ware to stay when takin a sobriety test
ORICLE : (1) earlobe
         (2) a singin bird
OVERWRITE : what makes yur checks bounce
PACKET : wucha do to a suitcase before a trip
PASSWORD :  fore, used wen playin golf
PING : noise the truk makes wen ya use cheep gas
PIXEL : small child or fairy
PLOTTER PEN : jail for conspirators and terrorists
PLUG-IN : push the end ot the TV cord into the wall
POP : (1) Dad
      (2) coke or pepsi
POP SERVER : Mom
PORT : fancy wine
PRINTER :  fella who can't rite in handritin
PRINTOUT ; wen ya uz a eraser or whiteout to currect a misteak
PROGRAM : wuts on the TV when there's receptshun
PROGRAMMER : fella with the TV remote
PROMPT : wucha wish the mail was in mud season
PROXY SERVER : sappini deliverer wen ya cant do it yurself

------------------------------

Date:    Tue, 7 Apr 1998 06:57:11 -0400
From:    rlb <rlb@DORUK.COM.TR>
Subject: Off-leash behavior (poss off to harried mothers and/or human beings)

The following sequence of two messages is taken verbatim from a USENET group
that discusses dog behavior...

>This afternoon I saw a strange sight.  A harried woman
>carrying several grocery bags was walking along a rather
>busy sidewalk/street.  She had a *very* boisterous and unruly
>kid *on a leash* who was troubling that poor woman as much
>as he could.  And *off-leash* was her Golden who was heeling
>perfectly most of the time and occasionally trying to "herd" the
>brat away from the edge of the sidewalk and from the traffic.

Humans tend to show both same sex and opposite sex aggression.
Sometimes a human can go decades and not show aggression and then
suddenly injure or kill another human over food, a toy, or the right
to breed with a bitch. It is best to keep humans on their leash at all
times when in public, even if you know and trust them. I know you
think to yourself "but humans are friendly, it's the media's fault
they get blamed for everything." That may be true, but the fact
remains that in this century alone, humans have killed hundreds of
millions of people while Pit Bulls, Rotties, and even the wild French
Bulldogs of the upper Amazon have not killed more than a million or
two. Please, keep your humans in a fenced yard or an a leash at all
times. Avoid being one of the statistics.

------------------------------

Date:    Tue, 7 Apr 1998 07:39:24 -0400
From:    Terry Galan <galante@MCMAIL.CIS.MCMASTER.CA>
Subject: Monica Lewinsky's Diary

 Entry 1
 Dear Diary, I'm so excited! Just got a job as an intern at the White
 House and don't know a thing about medicine. Don't even know what my
 duties are yet, but I hope it's a "hands on" position.

 Entry 2
 Dear Diary, Unbelievable! Snuck into the Oval Office when no one was
 looking. Then I dropped one of my contact lenses. So, I got down on my
 hands and knees looking for it when the President walked in. He said,
 "You must be the new intern." That man is psychic! I hope he likes me.

 Entry 3
 Dear Diary, I think the President likes me. Today he dropped HIS contacts
 on the rug and asked me to find them. We looked all over for them, and
 you'll never believe where they turned up. The most embarrassing thing
 was, he was the one who found them.

 Entry 4
 Dear Diary,
 He really, really likes me.

 Entry 5
 Dear Diary, I have been sent to the stupid Pentagon. It's such a drag.
 Like they're going to put me in charge of heat-seeking missles or
 something. I still talk to my Bubba-cakes on the phone. He calls me
 "1-900-Monica." (That means he thinks I'm one in nine hundred. That's
 pretty special.)

 Entry 6
 Dear Diary, I met a really nice girl today. Her name is Linda. She's
 really cool except for that clown hair. Has she ever heard the word
 "conditioner?" She looks like Mrs. Ronald McDonald.

 Entry 7
 Dear Diary, I think Linda is hard of hearing. She keeps asking me to
 speak louder whenever we go out for a quiet dinner.

 Entry 8
 Dear Diary, Oh-oh. The bad news: I've been subpoenaed. The good news is
 that Vernon Jordan is my new best friend. I'm going job hunting with him
 tomorrow.

 Entry 9
 Dear Diary, I had to give an affidavit in that stupid Paula Jones' case.
 What is she talking about? There are no distinguishing marks. And, by the
 way, I am way cuter than her. She looks like David Brenner in drag.

 Entry 10
 Dear Diary, I've had it. I'm never going to be an intern again. I'm going
 back to Hollywood where they pay you for that kind of work.

 Entry 11
 Dear Diary, Finally got home to L.A. and hugged Daddy so hard I thought I
 would pop.  It's the first time in six months I called a man "daddy" that
 I was actually related to.

 Entry 12
 Dear Diary, It is so totally fabulous being back in Brentwood where they
 really understand me. O.J. stopped by. He said not to worry because "If
 there's no spot on the dress, it's anybody's guess."

 Entry 13
 Dear Diary, All my girlfriends are so jealous of all the attention I'm
 getting from Kenneth Starr. I think they have a subpoena envy. And Linda
 Tripp-I hate her. I'm thinking of selling a Linda Doll. You wind it up
 and it stabs a Barbie Doll in the back.

 Entry 14
 Dear Diary, Got to remember to tell Bubba-cakes my totally do-able
 solution the Pentagaon. Just have Vernon Jordan get Saddam Wahtsisname a
 job at Revlon. (Like, reallly, it's a no brainer!)

 Entry 15
 Dear Diary, They keep asking me if I had sexual relations with the Pres.
 I mean, give me a break. That's so crazy. Just because every day when I
 worked at the White House, his name was at the top of my "To Do" list.

 Entry 16
 Dear Diary, Sometimes I wish some of the other girls who were in my
 position would stand up and be counted. But they might hit their heads on
 the President's desk if they did.

 Entry 17
 Dear Diary, They keep talking about immunity like I caught something from
 the President or something. The truth is, there was always a secret
 service man outside the Oval Office protecting us. Now, that's what I
 call safe sex!

 Entry 18
 Dear Diary, Omigod. Mom and I are both going to the grand jury. What is
 that about anyway? Sounds like some big hotel. I guess I shouldn't have
 told mom about taking dictation in the Oval Office. Me and my big mouth!

 Entry 19
 Dear Diary, I'm not really worried. I've got offers to do some really
 cool movies that are going straight to video and starring me! The Full
 Monica, a sequel to In And Out, A Pack-O-Lips Now, Wag the Willy and my
 most favorite: Good Bill Humping. I hope Speilberg will direct.

------------------------------

Date:    Tue, 7 Apr 1998 09:54:45 EST
From:    JD STONE <jstone@EMH1.LEAD.ARMY.MIL>
Subject: Humor:Mature content

 What Are You Thinking?
 by John Scalzi

 The question this time, from the men's side of the table:  what
 should you do when the women you're with asks you:  "What are you
 thinking?"

 Every male in the world has had to deal with this question, which is
 more often than not uncorked at entirely inappropriate times, such as
 when you are watching sports, locked in a passionate embrace, or
 reeling in a feisty marlin from the Gulf of Mexico.  Regardless of
 what you're doing, you must come up with a complete and satisfactory
 answer, or stand accused of Hiding Your True Feelings.   Which means,
 of course, you'll spend the next week pretending to be sorry.  So
 you've got to come up with something.  And it had better be good.

 Now, the obvious question here is:  WHY do women want to know what
 we're thinking?  Simple:  They assume we're thinking in the first
 place.  Hard to believe, but there it is.

 Why on earth would they think that?  Well, go up to a woman and ask
 her what she is thinking.  I have just done so with my wife, and this
 is what she is thinking about:

 "Off the top of my head, I'm thinking about the party we're having
 Saturday, and how I'm going to fix that chandelier in the front room
 so that people can walk around without hitting their heads.
 Underneath that I'm thinking about my work schedule this week and
 whether or not I'm going to have time to do some of the things I need
 to do at home as well. And under that I'm wondering if it's too late
 to get tickets on a plane to Ohio for Christmas.  AND I'm thinking
 about getting a snack."

 Not only is she thinking about something, she's thinking about four
 separate things.  If I check back in five minutes, she'll still be
 thinking.  Women are always thinking, and often about practical
 things.

 Men, on the other hand, are actively thinking for about five minutes
 out of every hour (usually not in sequence).  So, at best, you have a
 one in 12 chance of catching a man actually having a thought.  What
 are we thinking about?

  1. Women
  2. Food
  3. Steve Miller tunes
  4. Sports
  5. "Beavis and Butthead"
  6. How an awesome computer operating system like Linux can exist
     _AND_ be free at the same time (or Women)
  7. Work
  8. The black unknowable nothingness that frames our existence, and
     whether a benevolent and omnipotent higher power can possibly
     exist within it (or Beer)
  9. Sleep
 10. Women

 In summary, randomly asking a man what he's thinking has precisely a
 8.83% chance of turning up a real, verifiable, honest-to-God thought.
 You might as well bet on the New York Jets.  Sound harsh, guys?
 Fine.  Quick -- what are you thinking?  Had to think about it, didn't
 you.  You lose. Sit down.

 Despite the overwhelming evidence that men, in fact, are almost never
 thinking, women will still demand to know their innermost thoughts.
 In a way, it's touching; women are expressing faith that, if prodded
 long enough and frequently enough, they may yet boost the number of
 times we think in an hour.  And they will.  Unfortunately, most of
 what we'll be thinking is "stop asking me what I'm thinking."  And
 that's just going to get us in trouble.

 The best way to keep a woman from constantly asking you what you are
 thinking is to have a ready, pre-memorized answer for the times that
 she does.  Here are some tried and true responses, with the pros and
 cons of each:

 "I'm thinking that tonight it'd be nice to stay at home and sit by
 the fire together."

   Pros: Romantic; Sounds as if you're spontaneous.
   Cons: Requires fireplace (or a cement floor and ventilation);
       Romantic moments often prompt even more "What are you
       thinking" queries.

 "I'm thinking how much I love you."

   Pros: Generally provokes a positive response that short circuits
         any need for further conversation; Is often also true.
   Cons: If you use it too much, she'll know it's a line, and then
         you're really in trouble.

 "I was wondering if there is actually life on other planets."

   Pros: Cosmic; shows you are a deep thinker.
   Cons: Woman may wonder if this is an intro to the same sort of
         "alien sigmoidoscopy" story that ruined her last relationship.

 "I was imagining, if I were an animal, what sort of animal I'd be."

   Pros: Imaginative; Allows woman to spend many happy minutes trying
         to establish your place in the animal kingdom.
   Cons: She might think you resemble a marmoset or skink; She may
         forego the animal world altogether and go straight to yeasts.

 "I'm just thinking about how true the lyrics to 'Dust in the Wind'
 really are."

   Pros: Shows depth of musical knowledge; As last resort to forestall
         conversation, you may break out into song.
   Cons: If she's a connoisseur of 70s melodic rock, you may find
         yourself in a bitter, divisive quarrel about which is deeper,
         "Dust" or Aerosmith's "Dream On."

 Keep in mind that these responses are not to supersede an actual
 thought. If you find yourself having one at the moment she asks, go
 ahead and share it, as long as it's not something along the lines of
 "This relationship blows" or "I really like margarine."  With a
 little practice, you should come out okay.

 But, hey.  That's just what I think.


 (John Scalzi is a writer and editor for America Online.  His wife
 almost never asks him what he is thinking.  He can't decide if this
 is a good or bad thing.)

------------------------------

Date:    Tue, 7 Apr 1998 09:58:35 -0400
From:    Lee_Bradley <lbradley@GRITS.VALDOSTA.PEACHNET.EDU>
Subject: Two items

Jim Mica's reference to Spring Ahead (for daylight savings time) reminds
me of an item that I heard on a central Georgia radio station several
years ago:

        "Remember when you go to bed tonight to set
        your clock ONE HOUR AHEAD.  If you're Newt
        Gingrich, set you clock BACK 40 YEARS!"
				------

Top Ten Amish Spring Break Activities

10.  Drink molasses 'til you heave.
 9.  Wet bonnet contest.
 8.  Stuff as many guys as you can into a buggy.
 7.  Buttermilk kegger.
 6.  Blow past the Dairy Queen on a really bitchin' Clydesdale.
 5.  Get a tattoo: "Born to raise barns."
 4.  Cruise streets of Belleville shouting insults at people with
     zippers.
 3.  Sleep 'til 6 a.m.
 2.  Drive over to Allensville and kick some Mennonite ass.
 1.  Churn butter naked.

        (author unknown)

------------------------------

Date:    Tue, 7 Apr 1998 14:21:38 -0400
From:    Gwendolyn E Eckman <geckman@POLARIS.UMUC.EDU>
Subject: Classic moments in British journalism

 Jon Snow:  "In a sense, Deng Xiaoping's death was inevitable, wasn't
 it?" Expert: "Er, yes."  (Channel 4 News)

 "As Phil De Glanville said, each game is unique, and this one is no
 different to any other." (John Sleightholme - BBC1)

 "If England are going to win this match, they're going to have to
 score a goal." (Jimmy Hill - BBC)

 "Beethoven, Kurtag, Charles Ives, Debussy - four very different
 names." (Presenter, BBC Proms, Radio 3)

 "Cystitis is a living death, it really is. Nobody ever talks about it,
 but if I was faced with a choice between having my arms removed and
 getting cystitis, I'd wave goodbye to my arms quite happily."
 (Louise Wener (of Sleeper) in Q Magazine)

 "Julian Dicks is everywhere. It's like they've got eleven Dicks on the
 field."
 (Metro Radio Sports Commentary)

 Listener: "My most embarrassing moment was when my artificial leg fell
 off at the altar on my wedding day."
 Simon Fanshawe: "How awful! Do you still have an artificial leg?"
 (Talk Radio)

 Interviewer: "So did you see which train crashed into which train
 first?" 15-year-old: "No, they both ran into each other at the same
 time."
 (BBC Radio 4)

 Presenter (to palaeontologist): "So what would happen if you mated the
 woolly mammoth with, say, an elephant?"
 Expert: "Well in the same way that a horse and a donkey produce a
 mule, we'd get a sort of half-mammoth.
 Presenter: "So it'd be like some sort of hairy gorilla?"
 Expert: "Er, well yes, but elephant shaped, and with tusks." (GLR)

------------------------------

Date:    Tue, 7 Apr 1998 22:02:17 +0300
From:    Wezz the Warlock <wtw@DLC.FI>
Subject: AIDS clinic <offensive to people with HIV>, T-shirt, rat

    Here in Finland there have been a few cases where foreigners infected
with AIDS have intentionaly spread the disease. Last one was a asian woman,
who did her job in a town very small comparing to international scale.

    When her exploits were revealed, everyone who had the reason to suspect
that they might have been infected was asked to have it checked.

     During the first few days 300 people visited the clinic..
                -------------------------------------

( To avoid just about anything, the company name has been changed. )

 There is a beer company here who advertises itself using the phrase :
"Think positively - take XYZ"

 Last summer I saw a guy with a funny T-shirt. It had the XYZ company logo
and read : "I'm filled with positive toughts"
               ---------------------------------------

Remember : Even if you do win the rat race, you're still a rat.


* "We are ready for an unforeseen event that may or may not occur."
             -Former U.S. Vice-President Dan Quayle

http://www.dlc.fi/~wtw/

------------------------------

Date:    Tue, 7 Apr 1998 14:36:51 -0500
From:    Joe Hickman <comedy@FLASH.NET>
Subject: Armey and Clinton <political>

House Majority Leader Dick Armey calls President Clinton "shameless" and
a poor role model for children. Come on, Dick, we all know it takes a
village to ruin a child.

Is always bashing the President being a role model? If it is, we've got
enough role models already.

Is this what Republicans teach their children: "If you can't say
something nasty about someone, just shut up and look for tax loopholes?

House Majority Leader Dick Armey says President Clinton should resign.
Nobody took him seriously, but Al Gore walked around all day with his
fingers crossed anyway.

Which brings up an interesting constitutional question: If Bill Clinton
resigns and Al Gore becomes President, can Hillary still run the country?


>From Ha! at http://www.flash.net/~comedy

------------------------------

Date:    Tue, 7 Apr 1998 17:32:23 -0800
From:    Steven & Susan <sgarrett@NWRAIN.COM>
Subject: at the track

A group of third, fourth and fifth graders accompanied by two
female teachers went on a field trip to the local race track to
learn about thoroughbred horses and the supporting industry.

 While at the race track some of the children wanted to go to the
toilet so it was decided that the girls would go with one teacher
and the boys would go with the other.

 As the teacher assigned to the boys waited outside the men's
toilet, one of the boys came out and told her he couldn't reach
the urinal.  Having no choice, she went inside and began hoisting
the little boys up by their armpits, one by one.

 As she lifted one, she couldn't help but notice that he was
unusually well endowed for an elementary school child.  "I guess
you must be in the fifth," she said.

 "No ma'am" he replied, "I'm in the seventh, riding Silver Arrow.
 Thanks for the lift anyhow."

------------------------------

End of HUMOR Digest - 7 Apr 1998 to 8 Apr 1998
**********************************************

