HUMOR Digest - 31 Mar 1998 to 1 Apr 1998
There are 5 messages totalling 248 lines in this issue.

Topics of the day:

  1. Salesmen
  2. Top5 - 3/31/98 - Signs God is on Your TV
  3. Where Does It Hurt???
  4. Etch-A-Sketch Technical Support (clean)
  5. The Truth Behind It All <adult,off. to Clinton loyalists>

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Date:    Tue, 31 Mar 1998 03:33:14 -0500
From:    Jim Moore Jr <jimjr@QIS.NET>
Subject: Salesmen

Every Member Update: As an added incentive for everyone to
obtain at least one new subscriber during April, any person
who fails to sign-up at least one new person will receive a
347.2 meg file of "The Best of JimJr". PLUS, Stan Kegel has
agreed to send a pun every hour on the hour to all of the
slackers during the entire month of May.
                        =-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=

*   A Baltimore City Policeman went up to a vendor selling toys
  at the Inner Harbor and said, "I'm sorry, you can't sell that
  stuff without a license."
    The peddler replied, "I knew I wasn't selling any, but I
  didn't know the reason."
                            - - - - -

* One of the saddest sights in the world is an impotent salesman
  with an unlimited expense account and a bleeding ulcer.
                            - - - - -

*   Henry and Bert, two traveling salesmen met at the bar of
  their hotel. Henry moaned about how bad business was.  He
  hadn't made a sale all day.
    Bert said, "President Clinton says that business is great
  and times have never been better."
    Henry replied dourly, "Maybe he's got a better territory."
                            - - - - -

* One salesman said that he had only gotten three orders all week
  long.  And they were: get out, stay out, and don't come back.
                            - - - - -

*   I was on one of my rare shopping trips when this gray-haired
  woman started staring at me.  Finally, she walked over and said,
  "You look old, what would you suggest for a man over fifty."
    I smiled and replied, "A girl of twenty."

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------------------------------

Date:    Tue, 31 Mar 1998 06:00:59 -0500
From:    John Vogel <jvogel@DGS.DGSYS.COM>
Subject: Top5 - 3/31/98 - Signs God is on Your TV

                         March 31, 1998

          The Top 16 Signs God is Appearing on Your TV

16> "See Rabbi Schwartz, Father Flanagan, and Master Yogi in a
    theological grudge match in the Steel Confessional of Death
    in Biblemania XIV!"

15> That "John 3:16" guy at the football game is now holding a
    sign saying "Channel 5, right now!"

14> The Weather Channel broadcasting 24-hour a day "Ark Advisory."

13> Bearded guy in the window outside "The Today Show" keeps
    sending telepathic messages.

12> NBC starts plugging "THOU SHALT SEE TV"

11> That older gentleman announcing the new "Fig Leaf Policy" on
    the Playboy channel ain't Hef.

10> At last, somebody smote those idiotic Mentos commercials!!

 9> Guest on Entertainment Tonight squashes James Cameron like
    a bug, raises arms and exclaims, "No, *I'm* the king of the
    world!"

 8> MTV's Vatican Spring Break '98

 7> Maximum possible Jeopardy score: $783,200.
    Contestant who looks like George Burns: $700,000 and climbing.

 6> Flurry of white people sighted on UPN and WB networks.

 5> Jerry Springer only gets out the words "Today our topic is..."
    before he bursts into flames.

 4> For sixth straight day, "Kenny G. live from Branson" cancelled
    due to technical difficulties.

 3> When Oprah says "My next guest wrote his bestselling book
    thousands of years ago, and he hasn't been seen in public
    since," she ain't talking about Salinger!

 2> Your first two clues?  Mohammed as sidekick and Buddha as
    bandleader.

    and the Number 1 Sign God is Appearing on Your TV...

 1> Normally standoffish Amish family from down the street
    drops by with a bundt cake and a bottle of Amaretto.


[ This list copyright 1998 by Chris White and Ziff Davis, Inc. ]
[ The Top Five List   top5@walrus.com   http://www.topfive.com ]
[      To forward or repost, please include this section.      ]

------------------------------

Date:    Tue, 31 Mar 1998 07:26:47 -0500
From:    Terry Galan <galante@MCMAIL.CIS.MCMASTER.CA>
Subject: Where Does It Hurt???

 A man with a bad stomach complaint sees his family doctor and asks what
 he can do. The doctor replies that the illness is quite serious but can
 be cured with a small course of two suppositories inserted into the back
 passage. The man agrees, although reluctantly. The doctor warns the man
 to expect some discomfort, and then asks him to bend over. The doctor
 then shoves the thing into his behind. The man experiences some minor
 discomfort but endures the pain.   Afterwards, the doctor hands the man a
 second dose and tells him to do the same thing in six hours, using rubber
 gloves and some KY-Jelly. Later that evening, the man tries to insert the
 second suppository. Sure enough, he can't reach himself properly to
 obtain the required depth. He calls his wife over and explains what she
 has to do. The wife nods and puts one hand on his shoulder to steady him.
 She uses her free hand to shove the medicine home. The man suddenly
 screams in horror. "What's the matter?" asks his wife. "Did I hurt you?"
 "No, but I just realized that the doctor had BOTH hands on my shoulders."

------------------------------

Date:    Tue, 31 Mar 1998 12:49:10 EST
From:    Jenn Selke <JennSelke@AOL.COM>
Subject: Etch-A-Sketch Technical Support (clean)

Frequently Asked Questions for Etch-A-Sketch Technical Support

Q: My Etch-A-Sketch has all of these funny little lines all over the
   screen.
A: Pick it up and shake it.

Q: How do I turn my Etch-A-Sketch off?
A: Pick it up and shake it.

Q: What's the shortcut for Undo?
A: Pick it up and shake it.

Q: How do I create a New Document window?
A: Pick it up and shake it.

Q: How do I set the background and foreground to the same color?
A: Pick it up and shake it.

Q: What is the proper procedure for rebooting my Etch-A-Sketch?
A: Pick it up and shake it.

Q: How do I delete a document on my Etch-A-Sketch?
A: Pick it up and shake it.

Q: How do I save my Etch-A-Sketch document?
A: Don't shake it.


Funny Town UpdateMail
http://www.funnytown.com/

------------------------------

Date:    Wed, 1 Apr 1998 09:37:22 -0500
From:    Chalapathi Rao Poduri <chaps@TC4HQ.CMC.STPH.NET>
Subject: The Truth Behind It All <adult,off. to Clinton loyalists>

The President's Zipper:

Whitehouse press spokeswoman Joan Braithwaite has delivered the
following statement to media regarding accusation involving impropriety
between President Clinton and Miss Lewinsky: The President absolutely
did not engage in any sexual conduct with Miss Lewinsky and will
vigorously defend himself against such claims. However the President
would like to state that it is possible that a perfectly innocent
incident has been twisted by right wing Republicans in order to
undermine his administration. Mr. Clinton has said that there was an
occasion when it was necessary for him to adjust his clothing he noticed
with some embarrassment that his fly was undone. The President said that
he unfortunately had some difficulty with his clothing as his zipper got
stuck. Because Mr. Clinton has slight arthritis in his hands he found he
could not get the zipper up. He therefore, for medical reasons, was
forced to enlist the assistance of one of his staffers, who was Miss
Lewinsky.

In the course of assisting Mr. Clinton, Miss Lewinsky had to kneel in
front of him to facilitate the operation of the zipper. For medical
reasons Mr.Clinton has been advised to wear no undergarments and it so
happened, that in their anxiety to end the embarrassment and rectify the
fly problem, that Mr.Clinton's penis may have fallen out of his
trousers. As Miss Lewinsky was grappling with his fly and felt sure that
she nearly had it, and did not want Mr. Clinton to be seen with his
penis hanging out, she took the presidential penis into her mouth so
that it would not be visible should anyone enter the room. Mr. Clinton
was unable to use his own hands for this purpose as he was assisting
Miss Lewinsky by holding her hair out of her face so she could properly
visualize his fly. It took some minutes for Miss Lewinsky to fix Mr.
Clinton's fly, and it was during this time that another staff member
entered the room and apparently completely misconstrued the situation.

Mr. Clinton would like to reiterate that there was nothing unusual about
his working relationship with Miss Lewinsky. He did say however that as
he had trouble with his fly on a number of occasions, necessitating Miss
Lewinsky's repeated assistance, he was considering changing his tailor.

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End of HUMOR Digest - 31 Mar 1998 to 1 Apr 1998
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