HUMOR Digest - 30 Mar 1998 to 31 Mar 1998
There are 10 messages totalling 553 lines in this issue.

Topics of the day:

  1. Life at State Highway
  2. Baseball Puns
  3. Consultants, again <clean>
  4. Fore!
  5. Family Feud
  6. Humor: Internet Maintenance [it is that time of year again
  7. Man who is drunk.
  8. Adroit questions and comments about contemporary life
  9. Of Angels :-) <clean>
 10. <HUMOUR> The ultimate guide for new computer users

----------------------------------------------------------------------

Date:    Mon, 30 Mar 1998 03:04:33 -0500
From:    Jim Moore Jr <jimjr@QIS.NET>
Subject: Life at State Highway

*   Sometimes when interviewing people for a specific job, the
  questions are tailored to the skills needed; however, their
  meaning should be too.
    I was interviewing applicants for a Motor Grader Operator.
  I had all my questions written in advance.  I asked the first
  fellow, "Tell me, what have you done ?"
    He paused a bit, then replied, "About what ?"
                                - - - - -

*   Fads come and fads go.  I'm not sure any of you remember
  when green eye shadow was in vogue.  A group of engineers
  were touring our new facility at the Office of Maintenance,
  and one young lad from Egypt said, "I think you should check
  the humidity controls in your new building."
    When I asked why, he replied, "Well, I think it should be
  set a lot lower.  Most of your girls are starting to mildew."
                                - - - - -

* Like any good secretary, Pam was concerned with the temp
  keeping up her work while she went on two weeks vacation.
  After spending the morning explaining things to her
  substitute, she said, "I hope you'll continue working on
  everything I was.  Well...  except for Dave of course, I
  was finally making some progress there."
                                - - - - -

*   I know this is the age of specialization, but sometimes, I
  think people tend to get a little carried away.  The Deputy
  Chief Engineer for Maintenance was showing a new employee
  around the office.
    When he came to the cubicle of one really stunning young
  lady, he said, "And this is Sandi -- Sandi sorts out the
  men from the boys."
                                - - - - -

*   I asked a new temp once how she liked working for the
  manager of the Facilities Division.  She replied, "Well,
  he's OK I guess.  But he sure is bigoted."
    Somewhat taken aback, I said, "Rose that's a very serious
  allegation. Exactly what do you mean by 'bigoted' ?"
    She said, "Well, for one thing, he thinks words can only
  be spelled one way."

=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=
April is UGA HumorList Month; to subscribe,

Send an e-mail to:  listserv@uga.cc.uga.edu
leave the subject area blank;
in the BODY of the letter, type:

SUB HUMOR yourfirstname yourlastname

------------------------------

Date:    Mon, 30 Mar 1998 02:29:54 -0800
From:    Stan Kegel <kegel@FEA.NET>
Subject: Baseball Puns

When young Jose, newly arrived in the United States, made his first trip
to Yankee Stadium, there were no tickets left for sale. Touched by his
disappointment, a friendly ticket salesman found him a perch near the
American flag. Later, Jose wrote home enthusiastically about his
experience, "And the Americans, they are so friendly!" he concluded.
"Before the game started, they all stood up and looked at me and sang
.... 'Jose, can you see?'"

The scene was Mount Olympus, where Bacchus, the Greek god of wine, had
thrown a party for a pair of visiting Roman deities -- Ceres, the
goddess of agriculture, and Janus, the two-faced god of doors and
beginnings.  Everyone  overdid it, more or less. Ceres at one point was
staggering and turning in circles; Janus, equally submerged, was trying
to dance with her. Bacchus feared that the pair might fall over, so he
went to steady them. .... This marked the first time that a whirled
Ceres was held with a double-header.

There once was a king who was loved by all of his subjects, especially
because of the hunting excursions he arranged and shared with them. As
will happen, the king died and his eldest son took the throne. Now this
new king was an animal lover to the core, and immediately outlawed all
forms of hunting and fishing. His subjects accepted this for only a
short time before they finally ousted him. This was a truly a
significant event because it's the first time a reign was ever called on
account of game.

Several years ago, the Los Angeles Philharmonic Orchestra had scheduled
Beethoven's Ninth under the baton of Zubha Mehta. At the last moment
Mehta became ill and it was necessary to find a substitute. They were
able to convince Professor Theodore Badder from U. C. L. A. Classical
Music Department, an expert in Beethoven's Symphonies and a noted
conductor in his own right, to pinch-hit. The Fourth Movement of
Beethoven's Choral Symphony, as it is better known, is unusual in
several ways. First it uses not only a chorus but several soloists as
instruments during the famous "Ode to Joy" in the fourth movement.
Second, the bass players hate playing Beethoven's 9th. There's a long
segment in this movement where the bass viols don't have a thing to
do... not a single note for page after page! It had been decided that
during this performance, after the bass players had played their parts
in the opening of the last movement that they were to quietly lay down
their instruments and leave the stage rather than sit on their stools
looking and feeling dumb for twenty minutes. Well, once they got
backstage, someone suggested that they have a few brews. They had
quickly downed the first couple beers when one said, "Shouldn't we be
getting back to our seats? It'd be awfully embarrassing if we were
late." Another (presumably the one who suggested drinking in the first
place) replied, "Oh, I anticipated we could use a little more time, so I
tied a string around the pages of the conductor's score. Batter's has
had to slow the tempo way down while he waves the baton with one hand
and fumbles with the string with he other." So they had another round
and when finally returned to their chairs a little tipsy by now one look
at their conductor's face told them they were in serious trouble. And if
you thought things couldn't get worse, both first stand players soon
passed out right in their chairs! Batter was furious and on the verge of
completely losing it, as he began making gestures at the musicians while
trying to finish the piece while flipping tied pages. After all, .... It
was the last of the Ninth, The. Badder was a pinch-hitter, the score was
tied, the basses were loaded, and two men were out.

Was he the best pitcher that ever threw a baseball? Back in the 1950s,
there were a lot of folks who thought so. Mel Famey of the Milwaukee
Braves was a natural -- a once-in-a-lifetime phenomenon whose fast ball
blew away the best hitters. His 90 MPH curve ball would start out like
it was going to hit the batter's ear, only to break at the last instant
and hit the outside corner of the plate for a strike. His change up made
the best hitters in the league cry -- they would swing, drop the bat,
and stare incredulously as the ball hit the catcher's mitt. He was
indeed awesome! Why then, you might ask, is he not in the Hall of Fame?
Why haven't you ever heard of him? Alas, like many others before him,
Mel's downfall was demon alcohol. Ol' Mel really liked to tilt the
glass. His drinking became almost legendary around the country, but he
never let it affect his pitching until The Braves and the Yankees were
in the World Series! Excitement reigned! The series was tied at three
games apiece, and the Braves were in New York for the seventh and
deciding game. The night before the big event, Mel's thirst got the
better of him. He snuck out of the hotel after curfew, and bought
himself two cases of beer. As you might imagine, the next morning Mel
didn't feel too good. But being the pro that he was, Mel managed to do
just fine -- until the bottom of the ninth inning. With the Braves ahead
by one run, two out, and the bases loaded, Mel's revelry the night
before finally caught up to him. Eight straight pitches -- eight
straight balls. He walked in the tying run and the winning run, thereby,
losing the game and the series. After the game, a reporter went to the
jubilant Yankee's clubhouse and spoke to the last two players that faced
Mel. "Tell me," he asked, "to what do you attribute this victory over
the best pitcher in the major leagues"? In unison they replied, .... "It
was the beer that made Mel Famey walk us"!

Outside a small Macedonian village a lone Catholic nun keeps a quiet
watch over a silent convent. She is the last caretaker of this site of
significant historical developments, spanning more than 2,000 years.
When Sister Maria Cyrilla of the Order of the Perpetual Watch dies, the
convent of St. Elias will be closed by the Eastern Orthodox Patriarch of
Macedonia. However, that isn't likely to happen soon, as Sister Maria,
53, enjoys excellent health. By her own estimate, she walks 10 miles
daily about the grounds of the convent, which once served as a base for
the army of Attila the Hun. In more ancient times, a Greek temple to
Eros, the god of love, occupied the hilltop site. Historians say that
Attila took over the old temple in 439 A.D., and used it as a base for
his marauding army. The Huns are believed to have first collected and
then destroyed a large gathering of Greek legal writs at the site. It is
believed that Attila wanted to study the Greek legal system and had the
writs and other documents brought to the temple. Scholars differ on why
he had the valuable documents destroyed - either because he was barely
literate and couldn't read them, or because they provided evidence of a
democratic government that did not square with his own notion of "rule
by an all-powerful tyrant". When the Greek church took over the site in
the 15th century and the convent was built, church leaders ordered the
pagan statue of Eros destroyed, so another ancient Greek treasure was
lost. Today, there is only the lone sister, watching over the old Hun
base. When she goes, that will be it. Thus, that's how it ends, with ,,,
No Huns, No Writs, No Eros, and Nun on base.

Actually, this story concerns three elderly ladies, a large bottle of
Jack Daniels (Black Label), and a baseball game. In addition, you get to
be a detective. Our three protagonists went to their first Rangers game,
something that was an occasion of great excitement to them. To add to
the excitement, they smuggled a bottle of booze into the game, and
started immediately to enhance the soft drinks they bought. It was a
good game. There was a lot of action on the field and a lot of action in
the stands. All too soon, long before the game was over, the bottle was
nearly empty. By now, I have given you enough information to be able to
tell us how far along we are in the game, and what the status of the
game is. It's the bottom of the fifth and the bags are loaded.

------------------------------

Date:    Mon, 30 Mar 1998 12:59:23 +0200
From:    Maurizio Mariotti <mariotti@IAFRICA.COM>
Subject: Consultants, again <clean>

Top Ten Things You Shouldn't Say at a Consulting Interview

10.  I'm a t-shirt and jeans kind of person.

9. Do you pay overtime?

8. I hate flying.

7. I'm useless without twelve hours of sleep a night.

6. There are lies, damn lies, and statistics.

5. Do you cover rental cars for collision?

4. Stanford taught me that working in teams is great for slackers.

3. I think three letter acronyms are for people too stupid to remember
   whole phrases.

2. Two words: family first.

1. Call it what you want, it still means firing people.

------------------------------

Date:    Mon, 30 Mar 1998 07:02:37 -0500
From:    Terry Galan <galante@MCMAIL.CIS.MCMASTER.CA>
Subject: Fore!

 There once was a lawyer who was so fanatical about his golf game that he
 used to play every day. One morning he had played the first hole and was
 just about to tee off on the second, when he saw the most gorgeous woman
 he had ever seen putting on the first. The lawyer waited until the woman
 had reached the second tee and asked if she would like to join him and
 they could finish the round together. To his surprise the woman agreed
 and they played the remaining holes. Not only was this woman beautiful,
 she was also a good golfer. When they completed their round, the lawyer
 told the woman that, not only was he a lawyer, but he was also a cordon
 bleu chef and wine buff. He invited her back to his place for a meal and
 a few drinks. The woman accepted enthusiastically and off they went. Back
 at the house the lawyer cooked a magnificent meal. In fact it was more
 than just cooking it was a performance to behold. They enjoyed good food,
 good wine and good conversation. After the meal, the woman repaid the
 lawyer with the best oral sex he had ever experienced. The lawyer was so
 taken by the beauty and skill of this woman and desired her no end. He
 then asked if she would like to play golf the following morning, to which
 she agreed. Once again they enjoyed a great game of golf, a magnificent
 evening meal and once more the woman performed sensational oral sex on
 the lawyer. This went on for three weeks when the lawyer finally said to
 the woman, "Listen, the golf and the company have been fantastic! But,
 there are only so many performances a man can take. When are we going
 to have sexual intercourse?" "We can't," said the woman. "Why not?" came
 the reply. "Because I'm a transvestite" replied the woman. "YOU BITCH!"
 screamed the lawyer, "...I CAN'T BELIEVE that you've been playing off the
 LADIES TEE FOR THE LAST THREE WEEKS!"

------------------------------

Date:    Mon, 30 Mar 1998 08:27:30 -0500
From:    Gwendolyn E Eckman <geckman@POLARIS.UMUC.EDU>
Subject: Family Feud

Here are some actual answers from contestants who have appeared on that
wonderful*! quiz show Family Feud.

Name something a blind person might use - A sword

Name a song with moon in the title - Blue suede moon

Name a bird with a long neck - Naomi Campbell

Name an occupation where you need a torch - A burglar

Name a famous brother & sister - Bonnie & Clyde

Name a dangerous race - The Arabs

Name an item of clothing worn by the 3 musketeers - A horse

Name something that floats in the bath - Water

something you wear on the beach - A deckchair

Name something Red - My cardigan

Name a famous cowboy - Buck Rogers

Name a famous royal - Mail

A number you have to memorize - 7

Something you do before going to bed - Sleep

Something you put on walls - Roofs

Something in the garden that's green - Shed

Something that flies that doesn't have an engine - A bicycle with wings

Something you might be allergic to - Skiing

Name a famous bridge - The bridge over troubled waters

Something a cat does - Goes to the toilet

Something you do in the bathroom - Decorate

Name an animal you might see at the zoo - A dog

Something associated with the police - Pigs

A sign of the zodiac - April

Something slippery - A con man

A kind of ache - Fillet 'O' Fish

A food that can be brown or white - Potato

A jacket potato topping - Jam

A famous Scotsman - Jock

Another famous Scotsman - Vinnie Jones

Something with a hole in it - Window

A non living object with legs - Plant

A domestic animal - Leopard

A part of the body beginning with 'N' - Knee

A way of cooking fish - Cod

Something you open other than a door - Your Bowels

------------------------------

Date:    Mon, 30 Mar 1998 13:33:24 EST
From:    JD STONE <jstone@EMH1.LEAD.ARMY.MIL>
Subject: Humor: Internet Maintenance [it is that time of year again

To: All Internet Users
From: Kim Dereksen
      Interconnected Network Maintenance staff
      Main branch, Massachusetts Institute of Technology
Subject:  Internet Cleaning

PLEASE PASS THIS NOTICE TO OTHER USERS WHO MAY NOT SEE IT!
As many of you know, each year the internet must be shut down for 24
hours in order to allow us to clean it.  The cleaning process, which
eliminates dead e-mail and inactive ftp, www and gopher sites, allows
for a better-working and faster internet.
This year, the cleaning process will take place from 12:01 a.m.
GMT on April 1 until 12:01 a.m. GMT on April 2.  During that
24-hour period, five very powerful Japanese built multi-lingual
internet-crawling robots (Toshiba ML-2274) situated around the
world will search the internet and delete any data that they
find.
In order to protect your valuable data from deletion we ask that
you do the following:
1. Disconnect all terminals and local area networks from their
   internet connections.
2. Shut down all internet servers, or disconnect them from the
   internet.
3. Disconnect all disks and hardrives from any connections to the
   internet.
4. Refrain from connecting any computer to the internet in any
   way.
5. Avoid placing operating microwave ovens or toaster/toaster
   ovens near your computer modem.
6. Avoid wearing nylon (or other dielectric fiber) undergarments
   because of the possibility of electrical discharge.
We understand the inconvenience that this may cause some internet
users, and we apologize.  However, we are certain that any
inconvenience will be more than made up for by the increased speed and
efficiency of the internet, once it has been cleared of electronic
flotsam and jetsam.
We thank you for your cooperation.
Kim Dereksen
Interconnected Network Maintenance staff
Main branch, Massachusetts Institute of Technology
Sysops and others:  Since the last internet cleaning, the number
of internet users has grown dramatically.  Please assist us in
alerting the public of the upcoming internet cleaning by posting
this message where your users will be able to read it.  Please
pass this message on to other sysops and internet users as well.
Thank you.

------------------------------

Date:    Tue, 31 Mar 1998 00:36:30 +0200
From:    Alar ''The Joker'' <alar14@MAIL.EE>
Subject: Man who is drunk.

In front of the liquer store is a man, sleeping right on the grass.
someone woh passes by, calls the police, and asks them to take thad
bum away. Soon the police arrives and starts talking to the bum.

"Why are you sleeping in front of the liquer store??? Get up and go
away, or I will book jou and throw you in cell"

"But officer, I am not doing anythink illegal! I work here ad living
advertisement!"


Alar Pardla's Joke Collection... Collected humor since 1994
http://fun.ee/jokes/

------------------------------

Date:    Mon, 30 Mar 1998 21:56:12 EST
From:    Bill Edwards <EDWARDS_BILL@COLSTATE.EDU>
Subject: Adroit questions and comments about contemporary life

I am putting my house up for sale and I will give a discount to any
family with wild, unruly children as long as they promise to torment
the grumpy neighbors across the street.

I would just like to thank Bill Clinton for extending the Jerry
Springer show into the 6 o'clock news.

George Washington is known as the Father of Our Country. Bill Clinton
will be known as the Fondler of Our Country.

I honor my personality flaws, for without them I would have no
personality at all.

I much prefer Clinton's "I can't remember sexual affairs," to
Reagan's, "I cannot remember selling arms to foreign countries."

If you are born again, do have two belly buttons?

I want to quit smoking, but the drugstore refuses to sell me the
patch because I'm not 21 yet.

I knew my career was coming to an end when my company sent me to Dr.
Kevorkian for my annual physical.

Hey! We foreigners are just as preoccupied about sex as you
Americans. We just keep it out of our prime time news coverage.

Wow! What would your typical fairminded Republican say if Judge Starr
reports that the Clintons conducted their Whitewater business
in a legally appropriate way, that the Clintons didn't have Vince
Foster murdered, that the FBI files where not misused, that the
travel office was badly mismanaged before it was reoganized by the
Clinton White House, Clinton only counseled and encouraged a troubled
Monica Lewinsky, that Gennifer Flowers, Paula Jones, Linda Tripp
and Kathleen Willey are conniving women who are exploiting the Bill
Clinton for financial gain, and that the Clinton appropriately
defended themselves against false and politically motivated charges?
What a silly, stupid, dumb, outrageous, ludicrous, mindless
series of questions.

I can't wait for Bill to get back home where the Washington press
know how to give the president the royal treatment.

Most of these items are selected from recent issues of the Vent:
http//www.accessatlanta.com/local/thevent

------------------------------

Date:    Tue, 31 Mar 1998 09:27:13 -0500
From:    Chalapathi Rao Poduri <chaps@TC4HQ.CMC.STPH.NET>
Subject: Of Angels :-) <clean>

A man was walking in the street when he heard a voice shout at him.
"-Stop! Stand still ! If you take one more step,a brick will fall
down on your head and kill you." The man stopped and a few seconds
later a big brick fell down in front of him, the man was shocked
that he wasn't hit by the brick, the man went on and after a while
he went to cross the road.
Once again the voice shouted:
"-Stop! Stand still ! If you take one more step a car will run over
 you and you will die."
The man asked the voice -"who are you?"
I am your guardian angel,the voice  answered.
"Oh yeah?! And where the hell were you when I got married?".

------------------------------

Date:    Tue, 31 Mar 1998 13:37:54 +0800
From:    Mike Robertshaw <mrobert@OUHK.EDU.HK>
Subject: <HUMOUR> The ultimate guide for new computer users

Source unknown, but it arrived at the point where I was tearing my hair
out handling student problems with connecting to the Net for the first
time:

	Frequently Asked Questions for Etch-A-Sketch Technical Support
	--------------------------------------------------------------

Q: My Etch-A-Sketch has all of these funny little lines all over the
   screen.
A: Pick it up and shake it.

Q: How do I turn my Etch-A-Sketch off?
A: Pick it up and shake it.

Q: What's the shortcut for Undo?
A: Pick it up and shake it.

Q: How do I create a New Document window?
A: Pick it up and shake it.

Q: How do I set the background and foreground to the same color?
A: Pick it up and shake it.

Q: What is the proper procedure for rebooting my Etch-A-Sketch?
A: Pick it up and shake it.

Q: How do I delete a document on my Etch-A-Sketch?
A: Pick it up and shake it.

Q: How do I save my Etch-A-Sketch document?
A: Don't shake it.

------------------------------

End of HUMOR Digest - 30 Mar 1998 to 31 Mar 1998
************************************************

