HUMOR Digest - 29 Mar 1998 to 30 Mar 1998
There are 7 messages totalling 585 lines in this issue.

Topics of the day:

  1. Weekly Traffic Report
  2. Humor:  WORDS FROM WOMEN
  3. A Legal Brief (off. to lawyers)
  4. Elaine's Horse <somewhat long>
  5. Climb the ladder to success
  6. Taters (Puns)
  7. Of Elections <clean>

----------------------------------------------------------------------

Date:    Sun, 29 Mar 1998 02:42:17 -0500
From:    Jim Moore Jr <jimjr@QIS.NET>
Subject: Weekly Traffic Report

Good Morning y'all, here I am with this week's Traffic Report.
This is the Weekly Traffic report that is sent to all of the
HumorList subscribers once a month.

Just as an FYI for y'all, there are now 270 established e-mail
joke lists.  I see more added almost daily in NewsGroups/UseNet.
Since most people only have a limited amount of time for jokes
(or anything else), a list, to be selected by a new reader, has
to offer something unique.  That's where y'all come in.

Beginning April 1st (April Fool's Day) the UGA HumorList is proud
to announce we're declaring "Every Member Get A Member Month."

The reason should be obvious.  If we are indeed one of the most
unique, open and diverse humor mailing lists, why not spread the
word ?   I hope y'all will choose to participate in this effort.


                                                JimJr
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -

             Traffic Report for HUMOR, 22 March - 28 March

                      (Number of articles posted each day)
                     Last   3 Weeks  2 Weeks   1 Week    Past
Date   Day           Year     Back     Back     Back     Week

 22  Sunday           19       11       14       11        9
 23  Monday           14       13       10       15       12
 24  Tuesday          18        9       10        6       15
 25  Wednesday        18       17       11       15       13
 26  Thursday         17       15       15       15       13
 27  Friday           14        7       13       13       11
 28  Saturday         15        8        9        9        5

   (Average)          15       11       12       12       11

Subscriptions     10,120    8,158    8,139    8,125    8,088
Countries             94      106      105      106      105
Contributors         825      684      684      685      685

These are based on addresses registered to our listserver. It does
not include addresses which receive HUMOR via local bulletin boards,
area distribution lists, etc.  These numbers include both concealed
and non-concealed subscribers.

        The HumorList is sent daily to the following countries:

Argentina, Australia, Austria, Bahrain, Bangladesh, Belarus, Belgium,
Belize, Bermuda, Bolivia, Botswana, Brazil, Brunei, Bulgaria, Canada,
Chile,  China, Colombia, Cook Islands, Costa Rica, Croatia, Cuba,
Cyprus, Czech Republic, Denmark, Dominican Republic, Ecuador, Egypt,
El Salvador, England, Estonia, Federal Republic of Yugoslavia, Fiji,
Finland, France, Georgia, Germany, Greece, Guam, Guatemala, Hong Kong,
Hungary, Iceland, India, Indonesia, Iran, Ireland, Israel, Italy,
Jamaica, Japan, Jordan, Kazakhstan, Kenya, Korea, Kuwait, Latvia,
Lebanon,  Lithuania,  Luxembourg,  Macedonia,  Malaysia,  Malta,
Mauritius, Mexico, Moldova, Morocco, Mozambique, Namibia, Netherlands,
New Zealand, Northern Ireland,  Norway, Pakistan, Peru, Philippines,
Poland,  Portugal,  Qatar, Romania,  Russia, Saudi Arabia, Scotland,
Singapore,  Slovakia,  Slovenia,  South Africa,  Spain,  Sri Lanka,
Suriname, Sweden, Switzerland, Taiwan, Thailand, Trinidad and Tobago,
Turkey, Uganda, Ukraine, United Arab Emirates, Uruguay, USA, Venezuela,
Wales, Zambia, Zimbabwe

Total countries: 105

           Email me if your country is not listed here.
= = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = =
HUMOR GOALS

A daily average of 10-20 examples of humor
A diversity of humor: sources, forms, subjects
Freedom of expression for contributors
Protection of sensitivities for readers (heading warning requirement)


HUMOR CONTRIBUTOR RULES (brief version)

Subject line should disclose the subject of the humor
Subject line should include warning if potentially offensive

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To verify current addresses, our server randomly selects subscribers
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If you have any questions, please email me at jimjr@qis.net ("QIS.NET")

And now for a contribution of humor:

  My Uncle Dave was a real World War II hero, but with the passage of
time, stories tend to grow.  He started one nite after a family dinner
to tell his famous "Pillbox" story.
  "There I was, on the island of Cebu, pinned down by pillbox fire and
saw eighteen Japanese soldiers advancing on me..."
   At that point my Aunt interrupted and said, "David !  The last time
you told the boys that story, it was a dozen enemy soldiers."
   Without pausing he replied, "Yes.  But they were too young then to
know the whole horrible truth."

                Jim Moore Jr;  HumorList Traffic Reporter
                           jimjr@qis.net

------------------------------

Date:    Sun, 29 Mar 1998 09:09:18 EST
From:    Mizz Darla <MizzDarla@AOL.COM>
Subject: Humor:  WORDS FROM WOMEN

I'm not offended by all the dumb blonde jokes because I know I'm not
dumb...and I also know that I'm not blonde.   - Dolly Parton

You see a lot of smart guys with dumb women, but you hardly ever see  a smart
woman with a dumb guy. - Erica Jong

I want to have children, but my friends scare me.  One of my friends told me
she was in labor for 36 hours.  I don't even want to do anything that feels
GOOD for 36 hours. -
 Rita Rudner

I figure that if the children are alive when I get home, I've done my job.
        - Roseanne

My husband and I are either going to buy a dog or have a child. We can't
decide to ruin our carpet or ruin our lives. - Rita Rudner

I was on a date recently, and the guy took me horseback riding.  That  was
kind of fun, until we ran out of quarters. - Susie Loucks

This guy says, "I'm perfect for you, 'cause I'm a cross between a macho and a
sensitive man." I said, "Oh, a gay trucker?" - Judy Tenuta

He tricked me into marrying him.  He told me he was pregnant
        - Carol Leifer

I've been on so many blind dates, I should get a free dog. -  Wendy Liebman

Never lend your car to anyone to whom you have given birth.
        -Erma Bombeck

If high heels were so wonderful, men would be wearing them. - Sue Grafton

I'm not going to vacuum 'til Sears makes one you can ride on.
        - Roseanne

I would love to speak a foreign language, but I can't.  So I grew hair under
my arms instead.  - Sue Kolinsky

I look just like the girls next door ... if you happen to live next door to an
amusement park. - Dolly Parton

I found out why cats drink out of the toilet.  My mother told me it's because
it's cold in there.  And I'm like: How did my mother know THAT?
        - Wendy Liebman

I think-therefore I'm single  - Lizz Winstead

"Any girl can be glamorous.  All you have to do is stand still and look
stupid."
        - Hedy Lamarr

"When women are depressed they either eat or go shopping.  Men  invade
another country."  - Elayne Boosler

"I base most of my fashion taste on what doesn't itch."  - Gilda  Radner

"Behind every successful man is a surprised woman."  - Maryon Pearson

"Our struggle today is not to have a female Einstein get appointed as an
assistant professor.  It is for a woman schlemiel to get as quickly promoted
as a male schlemiel."  - Bella Abzug

"In politics, if you want anything said, ask a man; if you want anything done,
ask a woman."  - Margaret Thatcher

"If I were going to convert to any religion I would probably choose
Catholicism because it at least has female saints and the Virgin Mary."
        - Margaret Atwood

"I have yet to hear a man ask for advice on how to combine marriage and
a career."  - Gloria Steinhem

"Some of us are becoming the men we wanted to marry."  - Gloria Steinhem

Sometimes I wonder if men and women really suit each other. Perhaps they
should live next door and just visit now and then."  - Katharine   Hepburn

"I never married because there was no need.  I have three pets at home
which answer the same purpose as a husband. I have a dog which  growls
every morning, a parrot which swears all afternoon and a cat that  comes
home late at night."  - Marie Corelli

"Nagging is the repetition of unpalatable truths."  - Baroness Edith
Summerskill

"If men can run the world, why can't they stop wearing neckties?  How
intelligent is it to start the day by tying a little noose around your neck?"
        - Linda Ellerbee

"I am a marvelous housekeeper.  Every time I leave a man I keep his house."
        - Zsa Zsa Gabor

------------------------------

Date:    Sun, 29 Mar 1998 09:30:48 -0500
From:    Terry Galan <galante@MCMAIL.CIS.MCMASTER.CA>
Subject: A Legal Brief (off. to lawyers)

 For 3 years, the young attorney had been taking his brief vacations at
 this country inn. The last time there, he'd finally managed to have an
 affair with the innkeeper's daughter. Looking forward to an exciting few
 days, he dragged his suitcase up the stairs of the inn, then stopped
 short. There sat his lover with an infant on her lap! "Helen, why didn't
 you write when you learned you were pregnant?" he cried. "I would have
 rushed up here, we could have gotten married, and the baby would have my
 name!" "Well," she said, "when my folks found out about my condition, we
 sat up all night talkin' and talkin.' We decided it would be better to
 have a bastard in the family than a lawyer."

------------------------------

Date:    Sun, 29 Mar 1998 12:55:40 -0500
From:    Lee_Bradley <lbradley@GRITS.VALDOSTA.PEACHNET.EDU>
Subject: Elaine's Horse <somewhat long>

A friend says she found this on Gagler's Joke of the Day:
Subject: Men vs women

Let's say a guy named Roger is attracted to a woman named Elaine. He
asks her out to a movie; she accepts; they have a pretty good time. A
few nights later he asks her out to dinner, and again they enjoy
themselves.

They continue to see each other regularly, and after a while neither one
of them is seeing anybody else.

And then, one evening when they're driving home, a thought occurs to
Elaine, and, without really thinking, she says it aloud: ''Do you
realize that, as of tonight, we've been seeing each other for exactly
six months?''

And then there is silence in the car. To Elaine, it seems like a very
loud silence. She thinks to herself: Geez, I wonder if it bothers him
that I said that. Maybe he's been feeling confined by our relationship;
maybe he thinks I'm trying to push him into some kind of obligation that
he doesn't want, or isn't sure of.

And Roger is thinking: Gosh. Six months.

And Elaine is thinking: But, hey, I'm not so sure I want this kind of
relationship, either. Sometimes I wish I had a little more space, so I'd
have time to think about whether I really want us to keep going the way
we are, moving steadily toward . . . I mean, where are we going? Are we
just going to keep seeing each other at this level of intimacy? Are we
heading toward marriage? Toward children? Toward a lifetime together? Am

I ready for that level of commitment? Do I really even know this person?

And Roger is thinking: . . . so that means it was . . . let's
see....February when we started going out, which was right after I had
the car at the dealer's, which means . . . lemme check the odometer . .
. Whoa! I am way overdue for an oil change here.

And Elaine is thinking: He's upset. I can see it on his face. Maybe I'm
reading this completely wrong. Maybe he wants more from our
relationship, more intimacy, more commitment; maybe he has sensed --
even before I sensed it -- that I was feeling some reservations. Yes, I
bet that's it. That's why he's so reluctant to say anything about his
own feelings. He's afraid of being rejected.

And Roger is thinking: And I'm gonna have them look at the transmission
again. I don't care what those morons say, it's still not shifting
right. And they better not try to blame it on the cold weather this
time. What cold weather? It's 87 degrees out, and this thing is shifting
like a goddamn garbage truck, and I paid those incompetent thieves $600.

And Elaine is thinking: He's angry. And I don't blame him. I'd be angry,
too. God, I feel so guilty, putting him through this, but I can't help
the way I feel. I'm just not sure.

And Roger is thinking: They'll probably say it's only a 90- day
warranty. That's exactly what they're gonna say, the scumballs.

And Elaine is thinking: maybe I'm just too idealistic, waiting for a
knight to come riding up on his white horse, when I'm sitting right next
to a perfectly good person, a person I enjoy being with, a person I
truly do care about, a person who seems to truly care about me. A person
who is in pain because of my self-centered, schoolgirl romantic fantasy.

And Roger is thinking: Warranty? They want a warranty? I'll give them a
goddamn warranty. I'll take their warranty and stick it right up
their...

''Roger,'' Elaine says aloud.

''What?'' says Roger, startled.

''Please don't torture yourself like this,'' she says, her eyes beginning
to brim with tears. ''Maybe I should never have... Oh God, I feel so...''
(She breaks down, sobbing.)

''What?'' says Roger.

''I'm such a fool,'' Elaine sobs. ''I mean, I know there's no knight. I
really know that. It's silly. There's no knight, and there's no horse.''

''There's no horse?'' says Roger.

''You think I'm a fool, don't you?'' Elaine says.

''No!'' says Roger, glad to finally know the correct answer.

"'It's just that . . . It's that I . . . I need some time,'' Elaine
says.

(There is a 15-second pause while Roger, thinking as fast as he can,
tries to come up with a safe response. Finally he comes up with one that
he thinks might work.)

''Yes,'' he says.

(Elaine, deeply moved, touches his hand.)

''Oh, Roger, do you really feel that way?'' she says.

''What way?'' says Roger.

''That way about time,'' says Elaine.

''Oh,'' says Roger. ''Yes.''

(Elaine turns to face him and gazes deeply into his eyes, causing him to

become very nervous about what she might say next, especially if it
involves a horse. At last she speaks.)

''Thank you, Roger,'' she says.

''Thank you,'' says Roger.

Then he takes her home, and she lies on her bed, a conflicted, tortured
soul, and weeps until dawn, whereas when Roger gets back to his place,
he opens a bag of Doritos, turns on the TV, and immediately becomes
deeply involved in a rerun of a tennis match between two
Czechoslovakians he never heard of. A tiny voice in the far recesses of
his mind tells him that something major was going on back there in the
car, but he is pretty sure there is no way he would ever understand
what, and so he figures it's better if he doesn't think about it. (This
is also Roger's policyregarding world hunger.)

The next day Elaine will call her closest friend, or perhaps two of
them, and they will talk about this situation for six straight hours. In
painstaking detail, they will analyze everything she said and everything
he said, going over it time and time again, exploring every word,
expression, and gesture for nuances of meaning, considering every
possible ramification. They will continue to discuss this subject, off
and on, for weeks, maybe months, never reaching any definite
conclusions, but never getting bored with it, either.

Meanwhile, Roger, while playing racquetball one day with a mutual friend
of his and Elaine's, will pause just before serving, frown, and say:
''Norm, did Elaine ever own a horse?"

------------------------------

Date:    Sun, 29 Mar 1998 18:34:42 -0500
From:    "James R. Muller" <computer25@JUNO.COM>
Subject: Climb the ladder to success

A man is walking along one day and he comes upon a ladder.
Looking up, he sees that the ladder disappears into the clouds.
Curious, he begins to climb.  Before long, he is *in* the clouds.
He looks around and sees the most horribly ugly woman he
has ever seen in his life.

Obese, snaggle-toothed, matted hair.....  She looks at him, beckons,
and says, "Have sex with me, or climb the ladder to success."

Well, having no intention of doing *anything* with this woman, the
man climbs higher up the ladder.  A bit further on, he comes upon a
woman slightly less ugly than the woman before.  Not attractive, by any
means, but not repugnant.  "Have sex with me, or climb the ladder to
success, "she says.

Again, the man elects to continue his climb.

Before long, he comes upon another woman.  This one is actually
attractive.  Not a knock-out, but very pleasing.  "Have sex with
me, or climb the ladder to success."

Well, he figures the women keep getting better and better looking as he
gets higher and higher.  So he decides to continue climbing.

A bit farther up is the most gorgeous woman he's ever seen in his
life! Miss America beautiful.  In a sultry voice she says, "Have
sex with me, or climb the ladder to success."  Well, needless to say he
is *very* tempted.

But he just can't imagine what could top this woman, so he decides to
climb higher.

On the next cloud up is a horrid  500 lb man.  You can see the lice
in his hair, he stinks, his clothes are ratty.....  "Who are you?"
our climber asks in horror.  Grinning a toothless grin, the man looks
at him and says, "Hi.  I'm Cess.

------------------------------

Date:    Sun, 29 Mar 1998 15:57:09 -0800
From:    Stan Kegel <kegel@FEA.NET>
Subject: Taters (Puns)

Taters

One night, the Potato family sat down to dinner. Mother Potato and her
three daughters. Midway through the meal, the eldest daughter spoke up.
"Mother Potato?" she said. "I have an announcement to make." "And what
might that be?" said Mother, seeing the obvious excitement in her eldest
daughter's eyes. "Well," replied the daughter, with a proud but sheepish
grin, "I'm getting married!" The other daughters squealed with surprise
as Mother Potato exclaimed, "Married! That's wonderful! And who are you
marrying, Eldest daughter?" "I'm marrying a Russet!" "A Russet!" replied
Mother Potato with pride. "Oh, a Russet is a fine tater, a fine tater
indeed!" As the family shared in the eldest daughter's joy, the middle
daughter spoke up. "Mother, I too, have an announcement." "And what
might that be?" asked Mother Potato. Not knowing quite how to begin, the
middle daughter paused, then said with conviction, "I, too, am getting
married!" "You, too!" Mother Potato said with joy. "That's wonderful!
Twice the good news in one evening! And who are you marrying, Middle
Daughter?" "I'm marrying an Idaho," beamed the middle daughter. "An
Idaho!" said Mother Potato with joy. "Oh, an Idaho is a fine tater, a
fine tater indeed!" Once again, the room came alive with laughter and
excited plans for the future, when the youngest Potato daughter
interrupted. "Mother? Mother Potato? Umm, I, too, have an announcement
to make." "Yes?" said Mother Potato with great anticipation. "Well,"
began the youngest Potato daughter with the same sheepish grin as her
eldest sister before her, "I hope this doesn't come as a shock to you,
but I am getting married, as well!" "Really?" said Mother Potato with
sincere excitement. "All of my lovely daughters married! What wonderful
news! And who, pray tell, are you marrying, Youngest Daughter?" "I'm
marrying Dan Rather!" "Dan Rather?!" Mother Potato scowled suddenly.
"But he's just a common tater!"

Some people are very bossy and like to tell others what to do, but don't
want to soil their own hands. They are called ... "Dick Tators."

Some people never seem motivated to participate, but are just content to
watch while others do the work. They are called ... "Speck Tators."

Some people never do anything to help, but are gifted at finding fault
with the way others do the work. They are called ... "Comment Tators."

Some people are always looking to cause problems by asking others to
agree with them. It is too hot or too cold, too sour or too sweet. They
are called ... "Agie Tators."

There are those who say they will help, but somehow just never get
around to actually doing the promised help. They are called ... "Hezzie
Tators."

Some people can put up a front and pretend to be someone they are not.
They are called ... "Emma Tators."

Then there are those who love and do what they say they will. They are
always prepared to stop whatever they are doing and lend a helping hand.
They bring real sunshine into the lives of others. They are called ...
"Sweet Tators."

Then some of these people that are commonly known as tators have
children. They are called ... "Tator Tots."

------------------------------

Date:    Mon, 30 Mar 1998 09:32:04 -0500
From:    Chalapathi Rao Poduri <chaps@TC4HQ.CMC.STPH.NET>
Subject: Of Elections <clean>

USA Presidential elections has never witnessed a women contestant yet!
Can you guess why?

Because, the minimum age requirement for a Presidential candidate in USA
is 35. And so far, NO American woman has come forward to boldly accept
that she has crossed 30,leave alone 35!!!!.Simple as hell,isn't it?

------------------------------

End of HUMOR Digest - 29 Mar 1998 to 30 Mar 1998
************************************************

