HUMOR Digest - 28 Mar 1998 to 29 Mar 1998
There are 5 messages totalling 334 lines in this issue.

Topics of the day:

  1. Baltimore, Maryland
  2. Puns for a Sunday
  3. Darwin awards
  4. In The News - Humorous News Quips
  5. Barbie (sexual content)

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Date:    Sat, 28 Mar 1998 03:07:05 -0500
From:    Jim Moore Jr <jimjr@QIS.NET>
Subject: Baltimore, Maryland

* I saw a brand new condo being advertised in the paper last
  weekend.  One of the strongest selling points was: "Only a
  short run to the subway."
                                - - - - -

* The last hurricane to hit Baltimore did about eleven million
  dollars worth of improvements.
                                - - - - -

* Tuff ???  I'll say they're tuff.  The street gangs run around
  with chewed off shotguns.
                                - - - - -

* In some parts of Baltimore there aren't even any banks.  The
  people don't care much though because the loan sharks give
  out toasters and calendars.
                                - - - - -

* Talk about tuff -- most of the kids in Baltimore know all the
  words to the Bronx Cheer.

  (For those outside the US, the "Bronx Cheer" is a raspberry)
                                - - - - -

* The TV show "Homicide" films in Baltimore.  Most of the time
  they save a lot of money, since they don't have to hire any
  actors for the shooting scenes.
                                - - - - -

* Even the schools in Baltimore aren't quite what they should be.
  The teachers frisk the kids for their homework.
                                - - - - -

* Traffic in Baltimore is impossible.  I saw a pedestrian get hit
  by a car and it took him twenty minutes to fall down.


www.qis.net/~jimjr  ("QIS.NET")
www.geocities.com/BourbonStreet/6293

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Date:    Sat, 28 Mar 1998 00:58:12 -0800
From:    Stan Kegel <kegel@FEA.NET>
Subject: Puns for a Sunday

Egyptian Irrigation

During an anthropology class Harvard University, two students became
very interested in how the ancient Egyptians managed to irrigate that
dry country. They decided to visit Egypt to try to determine how the
ancient Egyptians drew water from the Nile. They went off to Egypt where
they found out that the same methods used over two thousand years ago
were still in place. They began examining the pipes, ducts and sewers of
Cairo. They even examined the bathroom facilities in the public
buildings. When they returned, they decided to change their course of
study from anthropology and become .... pharaoh faucet majors.

Hares to Paris

The French will eat almost anything. A young cook decided that the
French would enjoy feasting on rabbits and decided to raise rabbits in
Paris and sell them to the finer restaurants in the city. He searched
all over Paris seeking a suitable place to raise his rabbits. None could
be found. Finally, an old priest at the cathedral said he could have a
small area behind the rectory for his rabbits. He successfully raised a
number of them, and when he went about Paris selling them, a restaurant
owner asked him where he got such fresh rabbits. The young man replied,
"I raise them myself, near the cathedral. In fact, I have ..... a hutch
back of Notre Dame.

The Art Museum

A young couple Wilbur and Kay, were exploring the exhibits at the new
Paul Getty Museum in Los Angeles one Sunday afternoon, when they came
upon the museum's famous collection of Eighteenth-Century French
Impressionist Art. Suddenly Wilbur, unfamiliar as he was with the fine
points of the period, came across a well-known painting which he
mistakenly thought was an example of pointillism. He immediately called
his wife over and naively exclaimed, .... "Kay, Seurat! Seurat!" ....
She took one bored look at the painting and replied, .... "Whatever,
Wilby, Wilby."

The Bride

Seems that a tribal chieftain's daughter was offered as a bride to the
son of a neighboring potentate in exchange for two cows and four sheep.
The big swap was to be effected on the shore of the stream that
separated the two tribes. Pop and his daughter showed up at the
appointed time, only to discover that the groom and his livestock were
on the other side of the stream. The father grunted, ... "The fool
doesn't know which side his bride is bartered on."

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Date:    Sat, 28 Mar 1998 08:33:23 -0500
From:    Terry Galan <galante@MCMAIL.CIS.MCMASTER.CA>
Subject: Darwin awards

        (Permission has been granted for this lengthy post)


 The 1997 Darwin Award competition has announced its runners up and
 winners. These awards are given each year to bestow upon (the remains of)
 that individual, who through single-minded self sacrifice, has done the
 most to remove undesirable elements from the human gene pool.

 Note, there was great improvement in the areas of teamwork and
 cooperation among the candidates in 1997, it's no longer an individual
 sport. Here are  (drum roll) the 1997 runners-up and winners:

   5th runner-up:

 A San Anselmo, California, man died when he hit a lift tower at the
 Mammoth Mountain ski area while riding down the slope on a foam pad.
 22-year old David Hubal was pronounced dead at Centinela Mammoth
 Hospital. The accident occurred about 3 a.m., The Mono County Sheriff's
 Department said. Hubal and his friends apparently had hiked up a ski run
 called Stump Alley and undid some yellow foam protectors from lift
 towers, said Lt. Mike Donnelly of the Mammoth Lakes Police Department.
 The pads are used to protect skiers who might hit towers.The group
 apparently used the pads to slide down the ski slope and Hubal crashed
 into a tower. It has since been investigated and determined the tower he
 hit was the one with its pad removed.


 4th Runner-up:

 Robert Puelo, 32, was apparently being disorderly in a St. Louis market
 when the clerk threatened to call the police. Puelo grabbed a hot dog,
 shoved it into his mouth, and walked out without paying. Police found him
 unconscious in front of the store where paramedics removed the six-inch
 wiener from his throat where it had choked him to death.


 3rd Runner-up:

 Poacher Marino Malerba of Spain, shot a stag standing above him on an
 overhanging rock and was killed instantly when it fell on him.


 2nd Runner-up:

 A man at a West Virginia party (probably related to the man in Arkansas
 who used the 22 bullet to replace the fuse in his pick-up truck) popped a
 blasting cap into his mouth and bit down, triggering an explosion that
 blew off his lips, teeth, and tongue. Jerry Stromyer, 24, of Kincaid, bit
 the blasting cap as a prank during the party late Tuesday night, said
 Cpl. M.D. Payne. "Another man had it in an aquarium hooked to a battery
 and was trying to explode it, said Payne. "It wouldn't go off and this
 guy said I'll show you how to set it off. "He put it into his mouth and
 bit down. It blew all his teeth out and his lips and tongue off, Payne
 said. Stromyer was listed in guarded condition Wednesday with extensive
 facial injuries, according to a spokesperson at Charleston Area Medical
 Division. "I just can't imagine anyone doing  something like that, Payne
 said.


 1st Runner-up:

 Doctors at Portland University Hospital said an Oregon man shot through
 the skull by a hunting arrow is lucky to be alive and will be released
 soon from the hospital. Tony Roberts, 25, lost his right eye last weekend
 during an initiation into a man's rafting club, Mountain Men Anonymous
 (probably known now as Stupid Mountain Men Anonymous) in Grants Pass,
 Oregon. A friend tried to shoot a beer can off his head, but the arrow
 entered Robert's right eye. Doctors said had the  arrow had gone 1 mm. to
 the left, a major blood vessel would have been cut* and Roberts would
 have died instantly. Neurosurgeon Doctor Johnny Delashaw at the
 University Hospital in Portland said the arrow went through 8 to 10 in.
 of brain with the tip protruding at the rear of his skull, yet somehow
 managed to miss all major blood vessels. Delashaw also said had Roberts
 tried to pull the arrow out on his own he surely would have killed
 himself. Roberts admitted afterwards he and his friends had been drinking
 that afternoon. (DUH). Said Roberts, "I feel so dumb about this".  No
 charges have been filed but the Josephine County district attorney's
 office said the initiation stunt is under investigation.

 Last year's winner, you will remember, was the fellow who was killed when
 he attached a JATO (Jet Assisted Take Off) unit to his Chevy Impala and
 shot himself and his car into a desert cliff at 300 M.P.H.

                    ..now this year's winners:

 (The late) John Pernicky and his friend, (the late) Sal Hawkins, of the
 great state of Washington, decided to attend a local Metallica concert at
 the George Washington amphitheater. Having no tickets (but having had 18
 beers between them), they thought it would be easy to "hop" over  the
 9 ft. fence and sneak into the show. They pulled their pick-up truck
 over to the fence and the plan was for (the late) Mr. Pernicky (who was
 100 pounds heavier than Mr. Hawkins) to hop the fence and then assist his
 friend over. Unfortunately for (the late) Mr. Pernicky, there was a
 30 ft. drop on the other side of the fence. Having heaved himself over,
 he found himself crashing through a tree. His fall was abruptly halted
 (and broken, along with his arm, as it were) by a large branch that
 snagged him by his shorts. Dangling from the tree with a broken arm, he
 looked down and saw some bushes below him. (Possibly) figuring the bushes
 would break his fall, he removed his pocket knife and proceeded to cut
 away his shorts to free himself from the tree.  Finally free, (did I
 mention he is THE LATE) Mr. Pernicky crashed into Holly bushes. The sharp
 leaves scratched his ENTIRE body and now without the protection of his
 shorts, a Holly branch penetrated his rectal cavity. To make matters
 worst (?!), on landing,his pocket knife penetrated his thigh 3-inches.
 (The late) Mr. Hawkins, on seeing his friend in considerable pain and
 agony, decided to throw him a rope and pull him to safety (now he thinks
 of the "S" word) by tying the rope to the pick-up truck and slowly
 driving away. However, in his drunken haste/state, he put the truck into
 reverse and crashed through the fence landing on his friend and killing
 him. Police arrived to find the crashed pick-up with its driver thrown
 100 ft. from the truck and dead at the scene from massive internal
 injuries. Upon moving the truck, they found John under it, half-naked
 with scratches on his body,  a holly stick in his rectum, a knife in his
 thigh, and his shorts dangling from a tree branch 25-feet in the air.

 Congratulations gentlemen, you win...

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Date:    Sat, 28 Mar 1998 13:22:31 -0600
From:    Ed Lambert <elambert@IX.NETCOM.COM>
Subject: In The News - Humorous News Quips

In The News - Edited excerpts from the LA Times
Includes some late night humor

WARNING - May be offensive to American politicians, the Chinese,
homosexuals, Martha Stewart, chihuahuas, OJ Simpson. Mild language.

Russian President Boris Yeltsin has fired his entire government. We do
things differently here in America - here the government tries to fire
the president.

Sgt. Maj. Gene McKinney was acquitted of sex offense charges. After the
verdict was read, President Clinton invited the whole legal team to the
White House.

Clinton will be visiting a radically changing China in June. College
life there is said to be like U.S. campuses in the 60's. Unfortunately,
the last thing a nation with 2 billion people needs is a Free Love
movement.

California's Supreme Court ruled that Boy Scouts can exclude gays. In
response, gay activists immediately formed their own group called the
Girl Scouts.

Mary Kay LeTourneau won't be able to keep her baby in prison. He has to
be back in school.

Lt. Col. Eileen Collins, the first woman to command a space shuttle,
will be following the footsteps of Sally Ride, Christa McCauliffe and
trailblazing housewife Alice Kramden, who was sent to the moon by her
husband, Ralph, in the 50's. (SNL)

Twenty five states are currently considering anticloning legislation.
The bills are easy to follow. They're all identical.

Oscar nominees received gift baskets which included a 12 ounce bottle
of Kaopectate. They wanted to ensure a solid performance.

Jack Kevorkian assisted in his 100th suicide. He'll receive a gold
syringe to mark the accomplishment.

Marth Stewart is suing the National Enquirer for $10 million for saying
that she is mentally ill. She denied the accusation, then spent the
next 15 hours making the perfect sandwich. (SNL)

A boa constrictor that ate a neighbor's dog was reunited with its
owner. We're not quite sure if the snake has been rehabilitated... its
first words were, "Yo quiero Chihuahua."

Tourists in Italy were allowed to view Leonardo da Vinci's "The Last
Supper" which has been undergoing restoration since 1978. The biggest
change is a presiously uncovered sign on the wall reading, "No Shirt,
No Shoes, No Salvation."

A report says that some of country singer Neal McCoy's fans have made
him the beneficiary of their life insurance policies. When he heard
this, he began work on a country remake of Ozzy Osbourne's "Suicide
Solution."

Rolling Stones guitarist Keith Richards says he's scared to death of
cell phones, that he consideres them dangerous. Amazing. Cell phones
are dangerous, but black tar heroin is OK. (Leno)

A new OJ Simpson rumor says he wants to become a rap singer. With two
murders under his belt, he's certainly qualified. (Cutler Daily Scoop)

A Canadian psychologist is selling a video that teaches you how to test
your dog's IQ. Here's how it works: If you spend $12.99 for the video,
your dog is smarter than you. (Leno)

Jerry Springer may get his own sitcom. It will be about four friends
who hang out in a New York cafe and beat the crap out of each other.
(Daily Scoop)

Tony Orlando's backup singers sued him over sexist comments he made to
them. Wow, this could really hurt his career. (Miller)

And finally, two deaths to report this week: E. Paul Bindrim, the
father of nude psychotherapy, died at age 77. Fortunately, there won't
be an open casket.

And Walter E. Diemer, the inventor of bubblegum, died at age 93. In
keeping with his wishes, his body will be cryogenically frozen and
placed on the underside of a movie theater seat.

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Date:    Sat, 28 Mar 1998 17:44:23 -0700
From:    Janelle Barker <jbarker@HOLLY.COLOSTATE.EDU>
Subject: Barbie (sexual content)

Why can't Ken have sex with Barbie?

Because Ken comes in a different box!

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End of HUMOR Digest - 28 Mar 1998 to 29 Mar 1998
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