HUMOR Digest - 27 Mar 1998 to 28 Mar 1998
There are 11 messages totalling 477 lines in this issue.

Topics of the day:

  1. Amateur
  2. Shepherd's Sons and The Record (Puns)
  3. HighJinx at State Highway
  4. Top5 - 3/27/98 - Movie Quotes We'd Like to See (Part I) (fwd)
  5. The Ivy League/Four kinds of Sex (adult
  6. Airplane humor
  7. What Every Man Expects In A Wife <clean>
  8. Bill Clinton joke (offensive to Bill Clinton)
  9. SCUBA divers <disrespectful to the dead>
 10. Virginity <Sexual Contents>
 11. Offhand comments and questions about contemporary life

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Date:    Fri, 27 Mar 1998 01:23:44 -0600
From:    Fred <fredb@LINKUP.NET>
Subject: Amateur

I heard a singer on the Bill Gaither singers tv show that said "Yes it was
amateurs that built the Ark-pause- But it was professionals that built the
Titanic"!

------------------------------

Date:    Thu, 26 Mar 1998 22:52:32 -0800
From:    Stan Kegel <kegel@FEA.NET>
Subject: Shepherd's Sons and The Record (Puns)

There was a poor shepherd who had one son. The son would try to help his
father with his chores. However, he always had to do things his own way
and would never obey his father's orders. One day his father told him
explicitly not to lead the herd across the frozen pond, The boy, anxious
to get his chores over with in order to go play with his friends grabbed
the lead sheep roughly and tugged him across the pond with all the other
sheep following close behind, He, thus, succeeded in .... pulling the
wool over his father's ice.

During a very cold winter's night, a shepherd sent his two sons up to
the high pasture, many miles from their house, to make certain the sheep
were not suffering from the cold. The two young shepherds trudged out
reluctantly, and when they reached the pasture, one was so tired he
would not go into the pasture to check the sheep. The other dutifully
spent most of the night rounding up sheep and herding them into a
corral. The next night, the father journeyed up to the high pasture to
check on his sons and the sheep. He found the dutiful son asleep. Asking
him how he felt, the son replied he was cold and tired from working all
night, and his lamp had gone out. The father, proud of his loyal,
hard-working son, gave him oil and a wick for his lamp. When the father
checked on his other son, he found him soundly asleep. Upon waking him,
he asked how he was, and the son replied that he was cold because his
lamp had gone out. When he asked for a new lamp, his father replied,
"You can have no lamp. ... There is no wick for the rested."


Yesterday I went into an antiquarian music store, wanting to buy a Mick
Jagger solo album. Unfortunatedly, I tripped, and the Jagger LP went
flew out of my hand like a frisbee and broke two records featuring Jim
McGuinn, David Crosby, Chris Hillman, Gene Clark and Michael Clarke.
Sadly, I had to pay.. As he was collecting the damages, the owner said,
"You killed two Byrds with one Stone!"

------------------------------

Date:    Fri, 27 Mar 1998 02:58:43 -0500
From:    Jim Moore Jr <jimjr@QIS.NET>
Subject: HighJinx at State Highway

*   The State Highway Administration operates under the "merit
  system" which means to be promoted you have to take a test.
  Having been successful and placing number one on the list, I
  asked my boss when my promotion would become effective.
    Without hesitation he replied, "As soon as you do."
                                - - - - -

*   The Deputy Chief Engineer - Maintenance appointed the first
  female as a snow monitor.  She was to ride the roads and report
  on current conditions in snow storms.  To mark the occasion, he
  gave her a white fur parka.  He said it was to keep her "warm".
    Personally, I think it was to keep her "quiet".
                                - - - - -

*   Senior Managers at the State Highway serve "at the pleasure"
  of the Administrator.  One Administrator, trying to create a
  better line of communications, told his Staff, "Never be afraid
  to speak up and complain -- even about me -- & even if it costs
  you your job."
                                - - - - -

*   Like a lot of the older generation, there was a retired Army
  Colonel in the State Highway's Facility Management Division who
  was literally terrified of computers.
    He was assigned one none-the-less and I showed him how to do a
  spreadsheet in Lotus that would finish a monthly report in less
  than a day, compared with three, doing it manually.
    Instead of being elated, old Colonel Bob Beidleman moaned, "And
  whatever am I going to do the other two days every month ?"
                                - - - - -

*   Speaking of the Facilities Management Division (I was) during a
  Staff Meeting one time, a really pert and pretty female engineer
  named Rene told the manager of the Division, a Jim Keseling, "I'd
  like to get something off my chest."
    "What's that Rene ?" he asked.
    "Your eyes !" she replied.


www.qis.net/~jimjr  ("QIS.NET")
www.geocities.com/BourbonStreet/6293

------------------------------

Date:    Fri, 27 Mar 1998 06:39:18 -0500
From:    John Vogel <jvogel@DGS.DGSYS.COM>
Subject: Top5 - 3/27/98 - Movie Quotes We'd Like to See (Part I) (fwd)

                         March 27, 1998

           The Top 15 Movie Quotes We'd Like to See
                            (Part I)

15> "Wait.  Why don't we look for a campground that isn't
     plagued by a homicidal maniac?"

14> "Oh come on Clarisse, just a nibble?"

13> "That's great, Will.  Now solve *this* equation: How many
     times does a toilet have to back up before the whole damn
     math building stinks?"

12> "The truth?  You can't handle the truth -- You're a freakin'
     Scientologist!"

11> "Since there's ten of us surrounding Mr. Van Damme,
     let's attack him one at a time... it just makes sense."

10> "Dad, can I borrow the Death Star tonight?"

 9> "Okay Jack, I will.  But only because we're probably gonna
     be dead in an hour."

 8> "He can't be bargained with.  He can't be reasoned with.  He
     doesn't feel fear, or pain, or remorse.  And until he is found
     guilty of *something*, there's no stopping the Clintonator!"

 7> "The name's Jeremy... Ron Jeremy."

 6> "Mrs. Robinson, promise me you'll never discuss this with the
     Independent Counsel."

 5> "You know, Sally, rather than waste that talent in a deli,
     why don't we open a phone sex line?"

 4> "I'm sorry, Dave, I can't do that without MS PodBay 2.1."

 3> "Wardrobe!  See if you can find Ms. Stone some panties."

 2> "Thelma, I think we missed our turn."

    and the Number 1 Movie Quote We'd Like to See...

 1> "This could be the beginning of a beautiful friendsh...
     Hey!!  Get your hand off my ass!"


[ This list copyright 1998 by Chris White and Ziff Davis, Inc. ]
[ The Top Five List   top5@walrus.com   http://www.topfive.com ]
[      To forward or repost, please include this section.      ]

------------------------------

Date:    Fri, 27 Mar 1998 06:54:23 -0500
From:    Terry Galan <galante@MCMAIL.CIS.MCMASTER.CA>
Subject: The Ivy League/Four kinds of Sex (adult

 A girl goes into the doctor's office for a check-up. As she takes off her
 blouse, he notices a red "H" on her chest. "How did you get that mark on
 your chest?" asks the doctor. "Oh, my boyfriend went to Harvard and he's
 so proud of it that hen ever takes off his Harvard sweatshirt, even when
 we make love," she replies.

 A couple of days later, another girl comes in for a check-up. As she
 takes off her blouse, he notices a blue "Y" on her chest. "How did you
 get that mark on your chest?" asks the doctor. "Oh, my boyfriend went to
 Yale and he's so proud of it that he never takes off his Yale sweatshirt,
 even when we make love," she replies.

 A couple of days later, another girl comes in for a check-up. As she
 takes off her blouse, he notices a red "M" on her chest. "Oh, do you have
 a boyfriend at Michigan?" asks the doctor. "No, I have a girlfriend at
 Wisconsin. Why do you ask?"
			====================

 1. Smurf Sex: this happens during the honeymoon; you both keep doing it
    until you're blue in the face.

 2. Kitchen Sex: this is at the beginning of the marriage; you'll have sex
    anywhere, anytime. Hence, also in the kitchen.

 3. Bedroom Sex: you've calmed down a bit, perhaps have kids, so you gotta
    do it in the bedroom.

 4. Hallway Sex: this is where you pass each other in the hallway and say,
    "Fuck you!"

 There is also a fifth kind of sex: Courtroom Sex. This is when you get
 divorced and your wife fucks you in front of everyone in court.

------------------------------

Date:    Fri, 27 Mar 1998 07:22:43 -0500
From:    Gwendolyn E Eckman <geckman@POLARIS.UMUC.EDU>
Subject: Airplane humor

Real stories from Flight Attendants apologizing for rough transport on the
airlines.....

~~~ From a disgruntled Southwest Airlines employee....

"Welcome aboard Southwest Flight XXX, to YYY.  To operate your seatbelt,
insert the metal tab into the buckle, and pull tight.  It works just like
every other seatbelt, and if you don't know how to operate one, you
probably shouldn't be out in public unsupervised. In the event of a sudden
loss of cabin pressure, oxygen masks will descend from the ceiling. Stop
screaming, grab the mask, and pull it over your face. If you have a small
child traveling with you, secure your mask before assisting with theirs.
If you are traveling with two small children, decide now which one you
love more.

~~~ Weather at our destination is 50 degrees with some broken clouds, but
they'll try to have them fixed before we arrive. Thank you, and remember,
nobody loves you, or your money, more than Southwest Airlines."

~~~ United Airlines FA: "Ladies and Gentlemen, as you are all now
painfully aware, our Captain has landed in Seattle. From all of us at
United Airlines we'd like to thank you for flying with us today and please
be very careful as you open the overhead bins as you may be killed by
falling luggage that shifted during our so called "touchdown."

~~~ About 5 or 6 years ago I was on an American Airlines flight into
Amarillo, Texas on a particularly windy and bumpy day. I could tell during
the final that the Captain was really having to fight it, and after an
extremely hard landing, the Flight Attendant came on the PA and announced,
"Ladies and Gentlemen, welcome to Amarillo. Please remain in
 your seats with your seatbelt fastened while the Captain taxis what's
left of
 our airplane to the gate!"

~~~ Another flight Attendant's comment on a less than perfect landing:
"We ask you to please remain seated as Captain Kangaroo bounces us to the
terminal."

~~~ Overheard by a guy giving rides: "Sorry about the rough landing, but
I'm practicing for a job at SAS. Next time I'll try to lose your luggage."

~~~ Upon landing hard, the pilot gets on the PA system, "Sorry folks for
the hard landing. It wasn't the pilot's fault, and it wasn't the plane's
fault... it was the asphalt."

~~~ An airline pilot wrote that on this particular flight he had hammered
his plane into the runway really hard. The airline had a policy which
required the first officer to stand at the door while the passengers
exited, give a smile, and a "Thanks for flying XYZ airline." He said that
in light of his bad landing, he had a hard time looking the passengers in
the eye, thinking that someone would have a smart comment. Finally
everyone had gotten off except for this little old lady walking with a
cane. She said, "Sonny, mind if I ask you a question?" "Why no" said the
pilot, Ma'am, what is it?" The little old lady said, "Did we land or were
we shot down?"

------------------------------

Date:    Fri, 27 Mar 1998 11:21:39 -0500
From:    Paul Benoit <Paul_Benoit@SPEEDLINE.COOKSON.COM>
Subject: What Every Man Expects In A Wife <clean>

* She will always be beautiful and cheerful.
* She could marry a movie star, but wants only you.
* She will have hair that never needs curlers or beauty shops.
* Her beauty won't run in a rainstorm.
* She will never be sick -- just allergic to jewelry and fur coats.
* She will insist that moving the furniture by herself is good for
  her figure.
* She will be an expert in cooking, cleaning house, fixing the car
  or TV, painting the house, and keeping quiet.
* Her favorite hobbies will be mowing the lawn and shoveling snow.
* She will hate charge cards.
* Her favorite expression will be, "What can I do for you, dear?"
* She will think you have Einstein's brain but look like Mr.
  America.
* She will wish you would go out with the boys so that she could
  get some sewing done.
* She will love you because you're so sexy.

WHAT HE USUALLY GETS
* She speaks 140 words a minute, with gusts up to 180.
* She was once a model for a totem pole.
* Where there's smoke, there she is -- cooking.
* She's a light eater.  Once it gets light, she starts eating.
* She lets you know you only have two faults.  Everything you do,
  and everything you say.
* No matter what she does with it, her hair looks like an explosion
  in a steel wool factory.
* If you get lost, open your wallet and she'll find you.

------------------------------

Date:    Fri, 27 Mar 1998 10:52:08 -0800
From:    Susan Birkenseer <sbirkens@WAHOO.SJSU.EDU>
Subject: Bill Clinton joke (offensive to Bill Clinton)

One Sunday morning Chelsea burst into the living quarters at the White
House and said, "Dad!  Mom!  I have some great news for you! I am
getting married to the greatest hunk in Washington.  He lives in
Georgetown and his name is Matt."

After dinner, the President took Chelsea aside.  "Honey, I have to
talk with you. Your mother and I have been married a long time. She's
a wonderful wife but she's never offered much excitement in the
bedroom, so I used to fool around with women a lot.  Matt is actually
your half-brother, and I'm afraid you can't marry him."  Chelsea was
heart-broken.

After eight months she eventually started dating again.  A year later
she came home and very proudly announced, "Robert asked me to marry
him! We're getting married in June." Again her father insisted on
another private conversation and broke the sad news.

"Robert is your half-brother too, honey.  I'm awfully sorry about
this." Chelsea was furious!

She finally decided to go to her mother with the news. "Dad has done
so much harm.  I guess I'm never going to get married," she
complained. "Every time I fall in love, Dad tells me the  guy is my
half-brother."

Hillary just shook her head.  "Don't pay any attention to what he
says, dear.  He's not really your father."

------------------------------

Date:    Fri, 27 Mar 1998 18:50:44 EST
From:    Cyn MacG <CynMacG@AOL.COM>
Subject: SCUBA divers <disrespectful to the dead>

The evening after Mr. Wilkins lost his wife scuba diving, he answered the
doorbell rather late to find two policemen.  "We're sorry to call on you at
this hour," they said, "but we have some information about your wife."

"Well...tell me!" he demanded.

One officer said, "We have some bad news, some pretty good news, and some
really great news."

Mr. Wilkins replied, "Give me the bad news first."

So the policeman said, "I'm sorry to tell you, sir, but we found your wife's
body this morning in San Francisco Bay."

"OH MY GOD!," said Mr. Wilkens.  Then, remembering what the policeman had
said, he asked, "What's the good news?"

"Well," said the policeman, "when we pulled her up she had two five-pound
lobsters and a dozen good-size Dungeness crabs on her."

"Huh?" he said, not understanding. "So, what's the great news?"

The policeman smiled, licked his chops, and said, "We're going to pull her up
again tomorrow morning."

------------------------------

Date:    Fri, 27 Mar 1998 09:20:49 -0500
From:    Barcillo <barcillo@GU.PRO.EC>
Subject: Virginity <Sexual Contents>

The young virgin Chastity used to sleep with her legs spread apart.
Her grandma didn't like that and used to tell her:
" Chast, don't sleep like that because you may loose your virginity"
But little Chastity continued to sleep that way.
One night while the virgin was sleeping, grandma put a big watermelon
between her legs to give her a scare.
The next morning while grandma was having breakfast she heard a scream.
After a while came Chastity running and told her:
"Grandma, you where right!, Last night I lost my virginity, this morning I
found it in my bed between my legs "
Grandma replied: "I told you girl not to sleep like that"
Chast told her:
"But don't worry, I've already put it back in"


http://www.geocities.com/NapaValley/1155/index.html
------------------------------

Date:    Fri, 27 Mar 1998 19:44:52 EST
From:    Bill Edwards <EDWARDS_BILL@COLSTATE.EDU>
Subject: Offhand comments and questions about contemporary life

Most items selected from recent Vents (Atlanta Journal-Constitution)
http://www.accessatlanta.com/local/thevent

I have a psychic girlfriend. We don't go out. We just sit around at
home and she tells me how the evening went.

The same country that makes Hyundai and Kia now wants to build a
nuclear reactor. Don't you think they should master the internal
combustion engine first?

Does anyone else hate it that spellcheck won't clear "y'all"?

Isn't it annoying that national TV news programs keep interrupting
coverage of President Clinton's sex life with boring stories about
foreign and domestic policy issues?

You can tell whether a person is a Democrat or Republican by how they
say Starr's name. Democrats call him Kenneth Starr while Republicans
call him Judge Starr.

I don't understand why Judge Starr doesn't investigate Bill's sexual
abuse of Chelsea. After all, Clinton is a native Arkansan.

Politics: Even the word sounds like a disease.

Spring is finally here again. Now we can get back out on the lakes.
But don't swim in or drink the water, and by all means do not eat
anything that comes out of one.

White House employees should get hazard pay.

My vote IS for sale! All you have to do is lower my taxes.

Read in a book: The door creaked silently.

In the 50s, TV was called "The Vast Wasteland." Not so any more. Now
it is just a waste.

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End of HUMOR Digest - 27 Mar 1998 to 28 Mar 1998
************************************************

