HUMOR Digest - 26 Mar 1998 to 27 Mar 1998
There are 13 messages totalling 555 lines in this issue.

Topics of the day:

  1. Mr. Presidents workers <off to democrats>
  2. The Titanic <clean>
  3. Joke Writing 102
  4. Another pick up line
  5. Two puns and a riddle
  6. 51 days
  7. New Technology
  8. 1) cremation < Jewish but inoff>, 2) PLAYBOY <Catholic but inoff>, 3)
     Prayer <in
  9. Jewish Fly
 10. Humor:Clinton bashing
 11. Lenten Levity {if the title means nothing, skip this one}
 12. Sex in the dark <sexual contents>
 13. Marketing Skills Needed? <adult>

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Date:    Thu, 26 Mar 1998 09:21:59 +0200
From:    Soni Satish * Datavia <SatishSo@TRANSNET.CO.ZA>
Subject: Mr. Presidents workers <off to democrats>

Heard on a South African radio station 'Highveld 94.7s morning.
The 'Rude Awakening' team regularly has mock-interviews with
personalities and this morning they 'interviewed' one of Billy Boy's
security-guards (I think) from the hotel that they're staying in.

Jeremy(radio dj) :Are you on Bill's staff?
Guard:  No, there are only female member's on Mr. President's Staff!

------------------------------

Date:    Thu, 26 Mar 1998 12:27:24 -0500
From:    Chalapathi Rao Poduri <chaps@TC4HQ.CMC.STPH.NET>
Subject: The Titanic <clean>

[..offensive to Titanic survivors;their progeny,..hmmm..fans of the
Titanic motion picture(?);-)]

A panicky passenger on the Titanic :
Passenger : Captain,captain, How far is the way to the nearest land ?
Captain   : Two Miles.
Passenger : In which direction ?
Captain   : Towards the bottom !

------------------------------

Date:    Thu, 26 Mar 1998 02:57:38 -0500
From:    Jim Moore Jr <jimjr@QIS.NET>
Subject: Joke Writing 102

Adage - An adage is a wise saying that you can rewrite to
        suit your purpose, add to or even create a new one.

* Today is the tomorrow you worried about yesterday...
  But not nearly enough !!!

* Cockiness is that self-assured feeling you have
  just before you realize you should have known better

* You can lead a man to Congress...
  But you can't make him think

* A woman's place is in the home...
  And she should go directly there, right after work

* If you can keep your head while all about you are losing theirs,
  You're probably the cause of it all in the first place

* It's hard to plan for the future...
  When you're so damn busy fixing what you screwed up yesterday

* Behind every great man is a woman
  telling him he's not so damn hot

* If at first you don't succeed...
  See if there's any government aid for the loser

* Never hit a man when he's down...
  Kick him -- it's easier, quicker and does far more damage

* If at first you don't succeed...
  Don't worry about it -- I mean "she" told you so !

* Most people can't handle prosperity...
  Thankfully, most people don't have to anyway

* Maybe hard work never killed anybody...
  But then relaxing is responsible for very few casualties


www.qis.net/~jimjr  ("QIS.NET")
www.geocities.com/BourbonStreet/6293

------------------------------

Date:    Wed, 25 Mar 1998 22:28:08 -1000
From:    Ian Ibbetson <ian@PTSPLUMBING.CO.CK>
Subject: Another pick up line

Do you believe in love at first sight or shall I walk past again?

------------------------------

Date:    Thu, 26 Mar 1998 00:26:13 -0800
From:    Stan Kegel <kegel@FEA.NET>
Subject: Two puns and a riddle

If You Knew Sushi

Although many people still blanch and hesitate when considering sampling
sushi, Japanese restaurants are increasing rapidly as more and more
people partake of these delicacies. Tuna, eel, clam octopus and other
raw treasures from the sea are becoming more and more popular, One of
the new taste sensations at sushi restaurants these days is an unusual
fish called the pufferfish or luchu. The luchu is not served as other
sushi dishes are; rather, it is served with ceremony and flair worthy of
the exquisite care and beauty the Japanese give many of their dishes.
Perhaps it is because the puffer fish contains a poison gland that must
be carefully removed before the fish is served. The sushi chef
carefully, but with elaborate ceremony, prepares the fish in front of
his customers, carefully cutting out the poison gland and ceremoniously
shaping the fish. Custom demands that the luchu be cut into small
precise square pieces. After cutting out the poison gland, the chef is
ready to cut the fish into cubes. At this point, when the fish is to be
cut and server, the chef announces with a flourish: .... "We who are
about to dice a luchu."

Spies of Life

During the most intensive days of the cold war, the Central Intelligence
Agency undertook a recruitment drive to booster its ranks and try to
rectify the Soviet intelligence advantages. During the initial
interviews, two candidates appeared particularly promising. Wayne and
Amber were a brother and sister team. Although their fervor and
patriotism could not be denied and their aptitude for spying was
peerless, their one flaw was their inability to get along withe each
other. Rarely did a moment go by when they weren't arguing, bickering or
insulting each other. As unorthodox as this behavior may have been, they
were admitted to the CIA's training program and both excelled in all of
their training. However, throughout their training they were constantly
arguing and screaming at each other. Their first assignment was to
infiltrate a groop of Soviet agents who were using Washington's
nightclubs and restaurants as meeting places to plan their activities.
Wayne and Amber had to become familiar with the coming and going of
these restaurant patrons. One night they had to visit five restaurants
in a row. In order to protect their covers, they had to fit in with the
restaurant crowd; that meant drinking and dining as legitimate patrons
at these elegant eating establishments. As they went from restaurant to
restaurant, they argued, bickered and screamed at each other, all the
while eating full meals and drinking their fill. Because this was their
first assignment, they were observed by a couple of CIA veterans. The
observers were amazed by their huge appetites but did witness their
arguing. One observer turned to the other and said, .... "They're
dutiful, voracious spies, but Amber raves at Wayne."
(Thanks to Theodore Brett)

The Trains

A train operated by a Norwegian-American engineer starts from
Minneapolis to Chicago just as a train with a drunken engineer leaves
Chicago for Minneapolis. There is only one track, no switches or siding,
yet the trains do not collide. Why? ... Because:

Norse is Norse, and souse is souse, and never the trains shall meet.

------------------------------

Date:    Thu, 26 Mar 1998 07:01:23 -0500
From:    "Dexter E. Gulledge" <gulledge@MAIL.PTDPROLOG.NET>
Subject: 51 days

Eight very happy blondes walked into the neighborhood bar cheering "51 days,
51 days!" and giving each other high fives. One of them called out to the
bartender, "Whew, we are celebrating 51 days - give us a round of beer."

They laughed and cheered and drank with the conversation being peppered with
comments about 51 days.  Every once in a while one of them would call for
another round of beer to celebrate 51 days.  As much as the bartender tried
to piece together the importance of 51 days, he could not.  Finally,
as he brought these eight happy blondes their eighth round of beers he could
not hold his curiosity any longer.  He said, "What's this big deal about 51
days that has you pretty things out celebrating tonight?"

One of the blondes turned to him and said, "Well,  we got one of those
jigsaw puzzles that said 2 to 4 years on the side of the box, and we were
able to finish it in only 51 days."

------------------------------

Date:    Thu, 26 Mar 1998 07:13:41 -0500
From:    Terry Galan <galante@MCMAIL.CIS.MCMASTER.CA>
Subject: New Technology

 Jake is struggling through the bus station with two very large and
 obviously heavy suitcases when a stranger stops him and asks, "Do you
 know what time it is?" Jake sighs, puts the suitcases down and glances at
 his wrist. It's 2:05 p.m." he says. "Hey, that's a pretty fancy watch!"
 exclaimed the stranger. Jake brightens a little. "Yeah, it's not bad.
 Check this out," and he shows him a time zone display not just for every
 time zone but for the 86 largest metropoli. He hits a few buttons and
 from somewhere on the watch a voice says, "The time is eleven o'five," in
 a very west Texas accent. A few more buttons and the same voice says
 something in Japanese. Jake continues, "I've put in regional accents for
 each city." The display is unbelievable and the voice is crystal clear.

 The stranger is dumbstruck with admiration. "That's not all", says Jake.
 He pushes a few more buttons and a tiny but very high resolution map of
 New York city appears on the display. "The flashing dot shows our exact
 location via satellite positioning", explains Jake. "View recede ten",
 Jake says, and the display changes to show eastern New York state.

 "I want to buy this watch!" says the stranger. "Oh no, it's not ready for
 sale yet; I'm still working out the bugs", says the inventor. "But look
 at this", and he proceeds to demonstrate that the watch is also a very
 creditable little AM/FM digital receiver, a sonar device that can measure
 distances up to 125 feet, a pager with a thermal paper printer and, most
 impressive of all, the capacity to handle voice recordings of up to 300
 standard size books, though I only have 32 of my favourites in there so
 far", says Jake.

 "I've got to have this watch", says the stranger.
 "No, you don't understand. It's not ready yet."
 "I'll give you $1,000 for it!"
 "Oh no, I've already spent much more than that."
 "I'll give you $5,000 for it!"
 "But it's just not...."
 "I'll give you $15,000 for it!" And the stranger pulls out his cheque
 book. Jake stops to think. He's only put $8,500 into materials and
 development and with $15,000 he can certainly make another one and have
 it ready for merchandising in only 6 months. The stranger frantically
 finishes writing the cheque and waves it in front of Jake. "Here it is.
 I'm ready to hand it to you right here and now. $15,000! Take it or leave
 it."

 Jake abruptly makes his decision. "Okay", he says and peels off the
 watch. They make the exchange and the stranger starts happily away.

 "Hey, wait a minute", calls Jake after the stranger, who turns around
 warily. Jake points to the two suitcases that he'd been trying to wrestle
 through the station. "Don't forget your batteries."

------------------------------

Date:    Thu, 26 Mar 1998 07:19:30 EST
From:    Cyn MacG <CynMacG@AOL.COM>
Subject: 1) cremation < Jewish but inoff>, 2) PLAYBOY <Catholic but inoff>,
         3) Prayer <in

A woman from Brooklyn decided to prepare her will and make her final requests.
She told her rabbi she had two final requests. First, she wanted to be
cremated, and second, she wanted her ashes scattered over Bloomingdales.

"Bloomingdales!" the rabbi exclaimed.  "Why Bloomingdales?"

"Then I'll be sure my daughters visit me twice a week."
			*********************

Did you hear about the new Catholic edition of Playboy?

It's got the same centerfold as the regular edition, but you have to pull it
out at just the right moment.
			*********************

My Prayer

Lord help me to relax about insignificant details beginning tomorrow at
7:41:23 am, e.s.t.

God help me to consider people's feelings, even if most of them ARE
hypersensitive.

God help me to take responsibility for my own actions, even though they're
usually NOT my fault.

God, help me to not try to RUN everything.  But, if You need some help, please
feel free to ASK me!

Lord, help me to be more laid back, and help me to do it EXACTLY right.

God help me to take things more seriously, especially laughter, parties, and
dancing.

God give me patience, and I mean right NOW!

Lord help me not be a perfectionist.  (Did I spell that correctly?)

God, help me to finish everything I sta

God, help me to keep my mind on one thing--Look at that bird!--at a time.

God help me to do only what I can, and trust you for the rest.  And would you
mind putting that in writing?

Lord keep me open to others' ideas, WRONG though they may be.

Lord help me be less independent, but let me do it my way.

Lord help me follow established procedures today.  On second thought, I'll
settle for a few minutes.

Lord, help me slow down andnotrushthroughwhatIdo.

Amen

------------------------------

Date:    Thu, 26 Mar 1998 05:55:02 -0800
From:    Joke List <1rodney@GEOCITIES.COM>
Subject: Jewish Fly

A stunningly beautiful woman walked into a bar and sat down. She was
followed a few minutes later by a man who took a seat at the end of the
bar. He immediately noticed the beauty and, since this was his local
hangout, figured the bartender would do him a favor.  "Jack, here's a
twenty-dollar bill," whispered the man, leaning over the bar, "slip her
some Spanish fly."

"I don't have any Spanish fly," said the bartender, "but a customer
gave me some Jewish fly."

"Jewish fly!" exclaimed the man, "what does THAT do?"

"I don't know," answered the bartender. "Why don't we try it and find out?"

The next time the woman needed a refill, the bartender put the Jewish fly
powder in her drink. She finished the drink, and a few minutes later got
up and sidled over to the man. She put her arm around his shoulder, put
her other hand on his knee, and began to rub the inside of his leg.

"You attract me," she purred. "I'd like to do something with you tonight."

"Honey, I'll do anything you want," gasped the man.

"Great! Take me shopping at Bloomingdale's!"


Rodney And Cathy's Joke List
Visit our web site at: http://www.rcjokelist.com
To subscribe send a message to: rcjokelist-on@mail-list.com

------------------------------

Date:    Thu, 26 Mar 1998 10:11:39 EST
From:    JD STONE <jstone@EMH1.LEAD.ARMY.MIL>
Subject: Humor:Clinton bashing

	 * URGENT  WARNING *

FROM THE CENTER FOR DISEASE CONTROL IN ATLANTA

The President has proven you can get sex from aides.

------------------------------

Date:    Thu, 26 Mar 1998 11:58:13 -0500
From:    JIM MICA OFFICE OF ADMISSION ITHACA COLLEGE <JMICA@OA.ITHACA.EDU>
Subject: Lenten Levity {if the title means nothing, skip this one}

Content-Type: text/plain;  <not to be confused with chant/plain>
name="Honesty in Hymnody..."; charset=us-ascii

Forwarded from a posting to the Anglican email list.

Hymns, the way we'd sing them if we were honest:

    Sit Up, Sit Up for Jesus
    A Comfy Mattress Is Our God
    Self-esteem to the World! The Lord Is Come
    Oh, for a Couple of Tongues to Sing
    Amazing Grace, How Interesting the Sound
    Go Tell It on the Speed Bump
    Special, Special, Special
    Lord, Keep Us Loosely Connected to Your Word
    Praise God from whom All Affirmations Flow
    My Hope Is Built on Nothing Much
    O, God, Our Enabler in Ages Past
    I Lay My Inappropriate Behaviors on Jesus
    Pillow of Ages, Fluffed for Me
    All Hail the Influence of Jesus' Name!
    When Peace, Like a Trickle
    I'm Fairly Certain that My Redeemer Lives
    We Give Thee but Still Think We Own
    What an Acquaintence We Have in Jesus
    My Faith Looks Around for Thee
    Joyful, Joyful We Think Thee Pretty Good
    Blessed Hunch
    Above Average Is Thy Faithfulness
    We Are Milling Around in the Light of God
    Spirit of the Living God, Fall Somwhere Near Me
    Blest Be the Tie that Doesn't Cramp My Style


"Preach the gospel at all times-- if necessary, use words."
                           -- St. Francis of Assisi

------------------------------

Date:    Thu, 26 Mar 1998 09:38:18 -0500
From:    Barcillo <barcillo@GU.PRO.EC>
Subject: Sex in the dark <sexual contents>

A woman was becoming frustrated with her husband's insistence that they
have sex in the dark. Hoping to free her husband from his inhibitions,
during a passionate evening, she flipped on the lamp--only to discover a
cucumber in his hand.

Is THIS what you've been using on me for the past 10 years!?!"
"Honey! Let me explain!"

"Why you sneaky bastard!" she screamed.
"You impotent SOB!!"

"Speaking of sneaky!" he interrupted,
"Maybe you'd care to explain our 2 kids!!!"

http://www.geocities.com/NapaValley/1155/index.html

* "When the guy at the door said, 'Alcohol, Tobacco and Firearms,'
   I just assumed it was more supplies ..."

------------------------------

Date:    Fri, 27 Mar 1998 09:40:41 -0500
From:    Chalapathi Rao Poduri <chaps@TC4HQ.CMC.STPH.NET>
Subject: Marketing Skills Needed? <adult>

Kevin, a 19 year old college student, is home for summer break. In order
to make a few extra bucks he decides that he is going to apply for a
part time job at the local K-Mart.

Kevin fills out the standard application and is called into the
manager's office.  The manager is the typical K-Mart employee -- skinny,
glasses, pocket protector and K-Mart clothes.  Also, he takes a little
too much pride in working at K-Mart.  He says, "Kevin, do you think you
have what it takes to work at the 'Big K'?"

Kevin laughs to himself, thinking "what an asshole!"
But since it was an interview he responded, "Absolutely."

The Manager continued, "In order to work here you need to be a salesman
and you need to be in touch with the customer. Do you think you've got
those qualities?"

Again, Kevin laughs to himself, "Is this fucking guy serious?" but he
says again, "Absolutely."

"Well let me show you how it's done,"says the manager.

The manager leads Kevin to a counter and waits for a customer. The first
guy to come along drops a 50 pound bag of grass seed on the counter. The
manager says, "That's a pretty big bag of grass seed ya got there."

"Yup," responds the customer.

The manager winks at Kevin and says, "Ya think you might need a new lawn
mower for that grass you're putting down?"

Kevin actually sees the lightbulb go off over the customer's head.

"Yeah!  That's a great idea."  The manager leads him back to the lawn
mowers and helps him pick out a really nice model.

"Ya see, Kev, that's how it's done.  Ya think you can do that?"

"Hell, yeah!" says Kevin, "Just watch."

Kevin steps up to the counter and the next man to come along drops a
huge package of tampons onto the counter.  Kevin looks at the box and
then at the embarrassed customer.  "That's a pretty big box of tampons
ya got there," says Kevin.

The embarrassed man looks up feebly and says, "Yup."

A moment of silence passes and then Kevin blurts out,
"Would you be interested in buying a new lawnmower?"

The customer looks up from his shoes and responds,
"What the fuck would I want a lawnmower for?"

Kevin winks at his manager and says, "Well, since you won't be getting
laid this weekend I figured you might want to mow your fucking lawn!"

------------------------------

End of HUMOR Digest - 26 Mar 1998 to 27 Mar 1998
************************************************

