HUMOR Digest - 25 Mar 1998 to 26 Mar 1998
There are 13 messages totalling 596 lines in this issue.

Topics of the day:

  1. You Knew and The Stunt Man (Puns)
  2. Maryland Day
  3. Top5 - 3/25/98 - Changes in "Moby Dick"
  4. I wonder why???
  5. 1) Cajun zoo <off to Cajuns>; 2) Drugstore <sexual ref but really inoff>
  6. Consultants <clean>
  7. Humor:Random thoughts, Language
  8. Males!!!
  9. Trite comments and questions about contemporary life
 10. Microsoft patents
 11. Make Up Your Own Holiday Day
 12. More Man Bashing Jokes <you know by now who may be offended.>
 13. clubs <inoffensive>

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Date:    Tue, 24 Mar 1998 23:23:33 -0800
From:    Stan Kegel <kegel@FEA.NET>
Subject: You Knew and The Stunt Man (Puns)

Although many people still blanch and hesitate when considering sampling
sushi, Japanese restaurants are increasing rapidly as more and more
people partake of these delicacies. Tuna, eel, clam octopus and other
raw treasures from the sea are becoming more and more popular, One of
the new taste sensations at sushi restaurants these days is an unusual
fish called the pufferfish or luchu. The luchu is not served as other
sushi dishes are; rather, it is served with ceremony and flair worthy of
the exquisite care and beauty the Japanese give many of their dishes.
Perhaps it is because the puffer fish contains a poison gland that must
be carefully removed before the fish is served. The sushi chef
carefully, but with elaborate ceremony, prepares the fish in front of
his customers, carefully cutting out the poison gland and ceremoniously
shaping the fish. Custom demands that the luchu be cut into small
precise square pieces. After cutting out the poison gland, the chef is
ready to cut the fish into cubes. At this point, when the fish is to be
cut and server, the chef announces with a flourish: .... "We who are
about to dice a luchu."


A Hollywood stuntman who could perform any deed was hired to perform in
a thrilling Western movie. The script called on the stuntman to become a
kind of springboard. To help the white settlers escape the persuing
Indians, the script called for the daredevil to lie on a cliff's edge
and push out as far as he could, holding his body stiff so that the
settttlers could use the extra six feet provided to jump safely to the
opposite cliff edge. The stuntman thought that this particular deed was
so hazardous that he should be paid doubler time for his effortrs. But
no matter how hard he tried, he couldn't convince the producer that the
stunt was worthy of extra pay. Morosely, as he went through with it and
jutted from the cliff, he murmured to himself mournfully, .... "Here I
am, a ledge end on my own time."

------------------------------

Date:    Wed, 25 Mar 1998 02:57:48 -0500
From:    Jim Moore Jr <jimjr@QIS.NET>
Subject: Maryland Day

On March 25 ("Maryland Day") we here in Maryland celebrate
its founding.  King Charles I granted the charter in 1632.
It only seemed appropriate to honor the English today:


* An Englishwoman had quadruplets one day.  Well, sort-of.
  Three were born at two in the afternoon.  The last one had
  to wait until tea time was over.
                                - - - - -

*   Sometimes though I think the English are far too reserved.
  I saw a drowning man pulled put of the water while I was in
  England on vacation.
    The lifeguard rushed over at once and promptly gave the
  man handshake-to-handshake resuscitation.
                                - - - - -

*   A Sunday School teacher in London was telling her charges
  all about "Crowns of Glory" given in Heaven for good deeds.
  At the end of her lesson, she asked, "Tell me children --
  who will get the biggest crowns ?"
    A Cockney youngster replied, "Easy, 'im what's got the
  biggest 'eads of course."
                                - - - - -

*   On a train from London to Manchester, an American was fast
  becoming a bit of a bore running down the English.
    "You English are just too stuffy.  You set yourselves apart
  too much.  I mean look at me -- I have Italian blood, French
  blood, a little Indian blood and even some Swedish."
    "I say old Chap." responded a local who'd had enuff. "That
  was most sporting of your Mother."
                                - - - - -

* I will admit though that the English have always been real
  good fighters.  But think about it...  after what they do to
  food, they'd damn well be ready to defend themselves.
                                - - - - -

*   A English singer performed at a large cafe in New York.  At
  the end of his performance, the patrons gave him a five minute
  standing ovation.  He had to take a half-dozen bows.
    At the end of the nite, the manager asked him what he thought
  of the crowd.  "Seemed friendly enough." he replied.


www.qis.net/~jimjr  ("QIS.NET")
www.geocities.com/BourbonStreet/6293

------------------------------

Date:    Wed, 25 Mar 1998 05:47:10 -0500
From:    John Vogel <jvogel@DGS.DGSYS.COM>
Subject: Top5 - 3/25/98 - Changes in "Moby Dick"

                         March 25, 1998

NOTE FROM CHRIS:  Patrick Stewart is the actor who played Capt.
  Jean Luc Picard in the Star Trek: Next Generation series.
  He just did a TV-movie version of "Moby Dick," in the role of
  Captain Ahab.  Moby Dick was this great big whale, you see...

   The Top 15 Changes in "Moby Dick" Starring Patrick Stewart

15> "Thar she blows!" replaced by "White whale decloaking off
    the starboard bow!  Red alert!"

14> After animal rights activists complain, producers change
    Ahab's quest and send him to J.C. Penney's in search of the
    Great White Sale.

13> Captain Ahab spends time with Moby Dick, a large white mammal
    with no hair.  Conspicuously absent is William Shatner,
    a large white mammal with no hair.

12> Controversial scene in which Captain Ahab harpoons a drowning
    Leonardo DiCaprio.

11> Captain Ahab is transported to the whale's belly to bring
    Jonah a nice bowl of chicken soup.

10> "Sea -- the final frontier.  These are the voyages of the
    Star-Kist Enterprise."

 9> In a cheesy display of product placement, Starbuck now brings
    the captain coffee every morning.

 8> "Non-traditional casting" allows blue whale to play role of
    Moby Dick.

 7> You just KNOW the unknown crewmen with the red tunics are
    going to fall overboard before the first commercial.

 6> In response to pressure from Ralph Reed and Pat Robertson,
    name of the whale has been changed to "Moby Richard."

 5> Two words: Blowhole Cam

 4> "Prime directive be damned!  I said, kill the whale that bit
    off my friggin' leg!"

 3> A couple of phaser blasts over their heads and those Greenpeace
    wimps scatter.

 2> Whale beamed aboard the ship in the first minute.  Rest of the
    movie sucks.

	and the Number 1 Change in "Moby Dick" Starring Patrick Stewart...

 1> Ahab also searching for Moby Dick's big brother, Moby
    Diggler.


[ This list copyright 1998 by Chris White and Ziff Davis, Inc. ]
[ The Top Five List   top5@walrus.com   http://www.topfive.com ]
[      To forward or repost, please include this section.      ]

------------------------------

Date:    Wed, 25 Mar 1998 07:09:20 -0500
From:    Terry Galan <galante@MCMAIL.CIS.MCMASTER.CA>
Subject: I wonder why???

 1.  Why is 'abbreviation' such a long word?
 2.  Why isn't the word 'phonetic' spelled like it sounds?
 3.  Is there another word for 'synonym'?
 4.  Is it illegal to yell "Theatre!" in a crowded fire?
 5.  Why is it when you move something by car it's called a 'shipment',
     but when you move something by ship it's called 'cargo'?
 6.  If Teflon is supposed to be non-stick, how do they get it to stay
     attached to the pan?
 7.  Do vegetarians eat animal crackers?
 8.  When it rains, do cotton fields shrink?
 9.  Do chickens think rubber humans are funny?
 10. If "convenience" stores are open 24/7/365, why do they have locks on
     the doors?
 11. Would a blind tourist use a sightseeing eye dog?
 12. Why does Sour Cream have an expiration date?
 13. How would you throw away a garbage can?
 14. Do police sketch artists start out by drawing chalk outlines?
 15. After eating, do amphibians have to wait one hour before getting OUT
     of the water ?
 16. Why do they but braille numbers on drive-up ATM's?
 17. Why are there interstate highways in Hawaii?
 18. Why don't they just make food stamps edible?
 19. Why is it a pair of pants, but only one shirt?
 20. If someone with multiple personalities threatens to kill themself,
     would that be considered a hostage situation?

------------------------------

Date:    Wed, 25 Mar 1998 07:47:26 EST
From:    Cyn MacG <CynMacG@AOL.COM>
Subject: 1) Cajun zoo <off to Cajuns>; 2) Drugstore <sexual ref but really
         inoff>

Q:  What's the difference between a normal zoo and a Cajun zoo?

A:  In a normal zoo, you have a plaque next to the cage, with the animal's
common name and Latin name. In a Cajun zoo, you have a plaque next to the
cage, with the animal's common name, it's Latin name, and the recipe for how
to cook it.
				-----

A fellow who works as a pharmacist at a high-volume pharmacy tells this one.
He says most of the processing is done by technicians, who don't always know
the purpose of the meds they dispense.

One day last week, he says, there was a medicine making its way to the counter
for a waiting customer. The tech didn't know the medicine's purpose was to
help with erection problems.  Seeing that the customer seemed to be growing
impatient, the tech sought to placate him and reassured him, "Yours will
be up in just a minute, sir."

------------------------------

Date:    Wed, 25 Mar 1998 15:04:58 +0200
From:    Maurizio Mariotti <mariotti@IAFRICA.COM>
Subject: Consultants <clean>

Top Ten Things a Consultant Shouldn't Tell a Client

10. That was my first guess as well, but then I really thought about it.

9. You should see the hotel I'm staying at.

8. Hey, I just realized that I was in junior high when you started
   working here.

7. I like this office space. I'll have them put me in here when you're
   gone.

6. My rental car looks nicer than that junker you're driving.

5. Sure it'll work; I learned it in business school.

4. So what do you need me to tell you?

3. Of course it's right; the spreadsheet says so.

2. I could just tell you the answer, but we're committed to a three
   month project.

1. What are you, stupid?

------------------------------

Date:    Wed, 25 Mar 1998 12:38:05 EST
From:    JD STONE <jstone@EMH1.LEAD.ARMY.MIL>
Subject: Humor:Random thoughts, Language

May offend some women......

  A FEW RANDOM FEMALE THOUGHTS ABOUT A FEW RANDOM THINGS...

  Skinny people piss me off. Especially when they say things like, "You
  know, sometimes I forget to eat."   Now, I've forgotten my address, my
  mother's maiden name, and my keys. But I've never forgotten to  eat.
  You have to be a special kind of stupid to forget to eat. In that
  case, you don't deserve to eat.

  I'm Catholic. My mother and I were unpacking and she found my diaphragm.
  I had to tell her it was a bathing cap for my cat.

  A friend of mine confused her Valium with her birth control pills she
  had 14 kids, but she didn't give a damn.

  They kept telling us we had to get in touch with our bodies. Mine isn't
  all that communicative but I heard from it on a Tuesday morning when I
  genially proposed, "Body, how'd you like to go to the nine o'clock class
  in Vigorous Toning With Resistance?"  Clear as a bell my body said,
  "Listen, bitch, do it and you die."

  The trouble with some women is that they get all excited about nothing -
  and then marry him.

  The way I look at it, if the kids are still alive when my husband comes
  home from work, then I've done my job.

  My doctor said "I've got good news and I've got bad news. The good news
  is you don't have PMS. The bad news is -  you're a bitch".

  I read this article. It said the typical symptoms of stress are eating
  too much, smoking too much, impulse buying and driving too fast.  Are
  they kidding? This is my idea of a perfect day.

  I'll tell you what Victoria's Secret is. The secret is that nobody that's
  34 inches around or 34 years old can fit into that stuff.

  Sometimes I wonder if men and women are really suited to each other.
  Perhaps they should live next door and just visit now and then."

  "If men can run the world, why can't they stop wearing neckties? How
   intelligent is it to start the day by tying a little noose around your
   neck?

------------------------------

Date:    Wed, 25 Mar 1998 19:39:31 +0200
From:    Mohamed El-Nadi <mnadi@USA.NET>
Subject: Males!!!

A man parked his car at the supermarket and was walking past an empty
cart when he heard a woman ask, "Excuse me, did you want that cart?"

"No," he answered. "I'm only after one thing."

As he walked toward the store, he heard her murmur, "Typical male."


http://www.geocities.com/BourbonStreet/4267/

------------------------------

Date:    Wed, 25 Mar 1998 14:31:44 EST
From:    Bill Edwards <EDWARDS_BILL@COLSTATE.EDU>
Subject: Trite comments and questions about contemporary life

The preacher asked me if I ever played the lottery. I said yes, I do.
He replied, "Well, you ought to put that dollar in the collection
plate because you got a whole lot better chance of going to heaven
than winning the lottery."

Warning: Dates on the calendar are closer than they appear.

I almost had a psychic girlfriend, but she left me before we met.

Anybody interested in filing a class action lawsuit against that
lying groundhog?

Surely Kenneth Starr can find something illegal about Bill & Hillary
Clinton's trip to Africa.

The government could save a lot of money if it would dump the surgeon
general and go with a chiropractic colonel.

I always look for jobs that have drug testing because I studied.

Why don't all the lonely people just meet somewhere?

My son has been married three times. By the third time he had
learned a lot. He remarried his first wife.

If this asteroid hits the earth in 2028, we'll never find out how the
Kenneth Starr investigation turns out.

Grocery checkout people: It's the 90s. My husband enjoys doing
grocery shopping with our son. So please don't ask him if he has
custody.

Most of these items were selected from the Atlanta
Journal-Constitution's column called The Vent:
http://www.accessatlanta.com/local/thevent

------------------------------

Date:    Wed, 25 Mar 1998 12:49:35 MST
From:    Jim Winski! <jcw@UPI.UHCOLORADO.EDU>
Subject: Microsoft patents

from http://www.theonion.com/onion3311/microsoftpatents.html

REDMOND, WA--In what CEO Bill Gates called "an unfortunate but necessary
step to protect our intellectual property from theft and exploitation by
competitors," the Microsoft Corporation patented the numbers one and zero
Monday.

With the patent, Microsoft's rivals are prohibited from manufacturing or
selling products containing zeroes and ones--the mathematical building blocks
of all computer languages and programs--unless a royalty fee of 10 cents per
digit used is paid to the software giant.

"Microsoft has been using the binary system of ones and zeroes ever since its
inception in 1975," Gates told reporters. "For years, in the interest of the
overall health of the computer industry, we permitted the free and unfettered
use of our proprietary numeric systems. However, changing marketplace
conditions and the increasingly predatory practices of certain competitors now
leave us with no choice but to seek compensation for the use of our numerals."

A number of major Silicon Valley players, including Apple Computer, Netscape
and Sun Microsystems, said they will challenge the Microsoft patent as monopolistic and anti-competitive, claiming that the 10-cent-per-digit
licensing fee would bankrupt them instantly.

"While, technically, Java is a complex system of algorithms used to create a
platform-independent programming environment, it is, at its core, just a
string of trillions of ones and zeroes," said Sun Microsystems CEO Scott
McNealy, whose company created the Java programming environment used in many
Internet applications. "The licensing fees we'd have to pay Microsoft every
day would be approximately 327,000 times the total net worth of this company."

"If this patent holds up in federal court, Apple will have no choice but to
convert to analog," said Apple interim CEO Steve Jobs, "and I have serious
doubts whether this company would be able to remain competitive selling
pedal-operated computers running software off vinyl LPs."

As a result of the Microsoft patent, many other companies have begun radically
revising their product lines: Database manufacturer Oracle has embarked on a
crash program to develop "an abacus for the next millennium." Novell, whose
communications and networking systems are also subject to Microsoft licensing
fees, is working with top animal trainers on a chimpanzee-based
message-transmission system. Hewlett-Packard is developing a revolutionary new
steam-powered printer.

Despite the swarm of protest, Gates is standing his ground, maintaining that
ones and zeroes are the undisputed property of Microsoft.

"We will vigorously enforce our patents of these numbers, as they are legally
ours," Gates said. "Among Microsoft's vast historical archives are Sanskrit
cuneiform tablets from 1800 B.C. clearly showing ones and a symbol known as
'sunya,' or nothing. We also own: papyrus scrolls written by Pythagoras himself
in which he explains the idea of singular notation, or 'one'; early tracts by
Mohammed ibn Musa al Kwarizimi explaining the Heisenberg, Einstein and Planck;
and a signed first-edition copy of Jean-Paul Sartre's Being And Nothingness.
Should the need arise, Microsoft will have no difficulty proving to the
Justice Department or anyone else that we own the rights to these numbers."

Added Gates: "My salary also has lots of zeroes. I'm the richest man in
the world."


Jim Winski; Programmer/Analyst, Information Systems
University Physicians, Inc. - Denver, CO

------------------------------

Date:    Wed, 25 Mar 1998 14:55:43 -0600
From:    Joe Hickman <comedy@FLASH.NET>
Subject: Make Up Your Own Holiday Day

Thursday, March 26, 1998

Today is Make Up Your Own Holiday Day. So here goes:
- Spring Cat Cleaning Day. For best results use the "Delicate" cycle.
- Grease Your Automatic Garage Door Opener Without Getting Grease in
  Your Hair Day.
- Salt and Pepper Integration Day, a day to mix your salt and pepper in
  one shaker to encourage moderation in the use of both.
- Antiacid Appreciation Day, sometimes called Burpless Thursday.
- Shave Off Half Your Moustache Day.
- Spring Sock Hunting Day, a day to turn the house upside-down to find
  all those missing odd socks.
- Macaroni and Cheese Day. Try to give away free bites door-to-door.
- Start A New Hobby Day. Go to every hardware store in town and see how
  many different free paint samples you can collect.
- Kiss Somebody the Way They Used to Do It In the Movies Without
  Slobbering Day.


From Ha! Loads of laughs at http://www.flash.net/~comedy

------------------------------

Date:    Wed, 25 Mar 1998 16:30:59 EST
From:    CHARITY D CRENSHAW <charity.com1@JUNO.COM>
Subject: More Man Bashing Jokes <you know by now who may be offended.>

How does a stupid man know dinner is ready?
              The smoke alarm goes off.

How can you tell if a stupid man has cooked dinner?
             The salad's burnt.

Why is swapping partners with your friend a big mistake?
              Because it's so depressing when you get him back.

What do you call a man who opens the car door for you?
              A chauffeur

What do you call 10 stupid men in a circle?
              A dope ring.

  MAN: "You're lucky we met. People like me don't grow on trees."
WOMAN: " No, they swing from them."

------------------------------

Date:    Wed, 25 Mar 1998 19:54:45 -0800
From:    Steven & Susan <sgarrett@NWRAIN.COM>
Subject: clubs <inoffensive>

	 Would You Like to Join?
	=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=

  The Yoko Club?                  Oh no.

  The German philosophy club?     I. Kant.

  The Ford-Nixon club?            Pardon me?

  The Arafat club?                Yessir.

  The Alzheimer's club?           Forget it.

  The Ebert movie club?           Roger.

  The Groucho Marx club?          You bet your life.

  The Peter Pan club?             Never. Never.

  The Japanese theater club?      Noh.

  The quarterback club?           I'll pass.

  The Rhett Butler club?          I don't give a damn.

  The compulsive rhymers club?    Okey-dokey.

  The Spanish optometrists club?  Si.

  The anti-perspirant club?       Sure.

  The pregancy club?              Conceivably.

  The Procrastinator's Club       Maybe next week

  The Self Esteem Builders        They wouldn't accept me anyway

  The Agoraphobics Society        Only if they meet at my house

  The Co-Dependence Club          Can I bring a friend?

  The Prayer Group                God willing!

------------------------------

End of HUMOR Digest - 25 Mar 1998 to 26 Mar 1998
************************************************

