HUMOR Digest - 24 Mar 1998 to 25 Mar 1998
There are 15 messages totalling 651 lines in this issue.

Topics of the day:

  1. The Wildebeasts and The Driver (Puns)
  2. Household Finance
  3. Fun in space <clean>
  4. Letters of Reference
  5. Imaginative Marriages
  6. (1) battle of sexes; (2) courtroom scene <inoff.>
  7. Humor:90's sex quiz,Adult,suggestive
  8. COGNO-INTELLECTUALISM ON THE RISE <humor?>
  9. Canada (Crude, off. to Canadians)
 10. Golf Joke <offensive to religious people>
 11. 2  IN  1 <1ST has sexual con.; 2nd off to psyke. patients>
 12. Other News <a little gross>
 13. Disdainful comments and questions about contemporary life
 14. Facts For Women!:-)-Part 2/2 <adult>
 15. Safety Concerns

----------------------------------------------------------------------

Date:    Mon, 23 Mar 1998 23:24:05 -0800
From:    Stan Kegel <kegel@FEA.NET>
Subject: The Wildebeasts and The Driver (Puns)

The Wildebeasts

Once upon a time, there lived in an African forest, two families off
amiiable, hardworking wildebeasts, who often enjoyed picnicing together.
However, each family had one yougn mischief-maker, though each mother
was convinced that her own little chilc was innocent and that the other
was the troublemaker. "You should punish that rascally brat of yours,"
shrilled one of the mothers finally. "A sound spanking might do him some
good." "Spank my son, indeed," huffed the other. "Why don't you ....
go paddle your own gnu?"

The Driver

Jacques Villeneuve, the intrepid Formula One and Indy driver was getting
ready for the Monaco Grand Prix, and came to town a little early to test
his new Lola/Nissan... and to meet some of the local women. Jacques, you
see, was a fairly handsome fellow, and had quite the female following
across Europe. He had everything: a pleasant face, a charming voice,
excellent physical condition, and the allure and mystique that can only
come from the wealth and danger of a successful racing career.
Unfortunately, he'd also developed something of a 'love 'em and leave
'em' reputation. This prompted many a father to tell his daughters, ....
"Leave Villeneuve alone!"
(By Merritt Stone)

------------------------------

Date:    Tue, 24 Mar 1998 02:38:55 -0500
From:    Jim Moore Jr <jimjr@QIS.NET>
Subject: Household Finance

* Husband to wife: "I feel like an infielder for the Orioles
  baseball team, trying to catch your checks before they bounce."
                        - - - - -

* Husband: "Your last check just came back"
     Wife: "Oh good !  What can we buy with it now ?"
                        - - - - -

* Wife to husband: "The way you argue about money, 'budget' is
  just another name for a quarrel."
                        - - - - -

* Wife to husband: "At least we don't have to worry about keeping
  up with the Jonses, they passed us many years ago."
                        - - - - -

* Husband to wife: "I've finally figured out what's wrong with our
  budget.  There's too much month left at the end of the money."
                        - - - - -

* Wife to husband: "The way we abuse the budget, we should be
  allowed to use handicapped parking."
                        - - - - -

* Husband to friend: "My wife makes our budget work. I just go
  without a lot of things she sez I don't need anyway."
                        - - - - -

* Husband to wife: "This budget is a sea of red ink.
  And, we're spending way too much on red ink too."
                        - - - - -

* Husband: "At least we have something saved for a rainy day."
     Wife: "Yeah !  One good drizzle would wipe us out."
                        - - - - -

* Wife to husband: "We're setting a bad example for the kids.
  They play Monopoly with money borrowed from 3 other games."


www.qis.net/~jimjr  ("QIS.NET")
www.geocities.com/BourbonStreet/6293

------------------------------

Date:    Tue, 24 Mar 1998 13:36:28 +0200
From:    Maurizio Mariotti <mariotti@IAFRICA.COM>
Subject: Fun in space <clean>

Fun things to do in space or during an abduction or alien encounter:
(By Paul Maddox)

o Pee everywhere. That stuff is messy in zero gravity.
o Push heaps of buttons on the control panel of the mothership.
o Find biosamples from other planets and let them roam  free.
o Cough a lot. (haha the aliens probably don't have the
   right antibodies to stop the virus from killing them  hahaha)
o Pretend to be dead, then when they get close, scream
    in their face.
o Call them names. (eg. Fathead, Bug-eyes etc.)
o Play in the airlock.
o If they're studying you, make cow noises.
o Go space-debris-shooting with the Ion Cannon.
o Step on their feet.

------------------------------

Date:    Tue, 24 Mar 1998 07:21:42 -0500
From:    Terry Galan <galante@MCMAIL.CIS.MCMASTER.CA>
Subject: Letters of Reference

 THE BOSS ASKED FOR A LETTER DESCRIBING BOB SMITH:

 Bob Smith, my assistant programmer, can always be found hard at work in
 his cubicle. Bob works independently, without wasting company time
 talking to colleagues. Bob never thinks twice about assisting fellow
 employees, and he always finishes given assignments on time. Often Bob
 takes extended measures to complete his work, sometimes skipping coffee
 breaks. Bob is a dedicated individual who has absolutely no vanity in
 spite of his high accomplishments and profound knowledge in his field. I
 firmly believe that Bob can be classed as a high-calibre employee, the
 type which cannot be dispensed with. Consequently, I duly recommend that
 Bob be promoted to executive management, and a proposal will be executed
 as soon as possible.

 Sd/-

 Project Leader
		**********************************

   A MEMO WAS SOON SENT FOLLOWING THE LETTER:

 That idiot was reading over my shoulder while I wrote the report sent to
 you earlier today. Kindly read only the odd numbered lines (1, 3, 5, ...)
 for my true assessment of him.

 Regards -

------------------------------

Date:    Tue, 24 Mar 1998 06:50:55 -0600
From:    Jennifer Walker <jkwalker@TENET.EDU>
Subject: Imaginative Marriages

Just imagine if the following people got married...

 If Yoko Ono had married Sonny Bono, she'd be Yoko Ono Bono.

 If Bo Derek married Don Ho, she'd be Bo Ho.

 If Oprah Winfrey married Depak Chopra, she'd be Oprah Chopra.

 If Cat Stevens married Snoop Doggy Dogg, hey! it's the '90's!, he'd be
 Cat Doggy Dogg.

 If Olivia Newton-John married Wayne Newton, then divorced him to marry
 Elton John, she'd be Olivia Newton-John Newton John.

 If Sondra Locke married Elliott Ness, then divorced him to marry Herman

 Munster, she'd become Sondra Locke Ness Monster.

 If Bea Arthur married Sting, she'd be Bea Sting.

 If Liv Ullman married Judge Lance Ito, then divorced him and married
 Jerry Mathers, she'd be Liv Ito Beaver.

 If Snoop Doggy Dogg married Winnie the Pooh, he'd be Snoop Doggy Dogg
 Pooh.

 Nog (Quark's brother on "Star Trek: Deep Space Nine") has no other name,
 so he uses it twice when getting a marriage license.  If he married
 Howard Hughes, and then Pamela Dare, he'd be Nog Nog Hughes Dare.

 If Shirley Jones married Tom Ewell, then Johnny Rotten, then Nathan Hale,
 she'd be Shirley Ewell Rotten Hale. (This one may take a little longer
 to get)

 If Jack Handy (SNL writer) married Andy Capp, then married Jack Paar,
 then moved on to Stephen King, he'd be Jack Handy Capp Paar King.

 If Ivana Trump married, in succession, Orson Bean (actor), King Oscar
 (of Norway), Louis B. Mayer (of MGM), and Norbert Wiener (mathematician),
 she would then be Ivana Bean Oscar Mayer Wiener.

 If Woody Allen married Natalie Wood, divorced her and married Gregory
 Peck, divorced him and married Ben Hur, he'd be Woody Wood Peck Hur.

 If Dolly Parton married Tommy Smothers, then went even further back in
 show business and married Mr. Lucky, then divorced and married Martin
 Short, then divorced and married football kicker Ray Guy, we could all
 nod understandingly when we heard,  Dolly Parton Smothers Lucky Short
 Guy.

------------------------------

Date:    Tue, 24 Mar 1998 07:59:04 EST
From:    Cyn MacG <CynMacG@AOL.COM>
Subject: (1) battle of sexes; (2) courtroom scene <inoff.>

A man parked his car at the supermarket and was walking past an empty cart
when he heard a woman ask, "Excuse me, did you want that cart?"

"No," he answered. "I'm only after one thing."

As he walked toward the store, he heard her murmur, "Typical male."
				-----

A lawyer defending a man accused of burglary tried this creative defense:

"My client's arm entered the window and removed a few trifling
articles. His arm is not himself, and I fail to see how you can punish
the whole individual for an offense committed by his limb."

"Well put," the judge replied. "Using your logic, I sentence the defendant's
arm to one year's imprisonment. He can accompany it or not, as he chooses."

The defendant smiled. With his lawyer's assistance he detached his artificial
limb, laid it on the bench, and walked out of the courtroom.

------------------------------

Date:    Tue, 24 Mar 1998 09:23:49 EST
From:    JD STONE <jstone@EMH1.LEAD.ARMY.MIL>
Subject: Humor:90's sex quiz,Adult,suggestive

 You should make love to a woman for the first time only after you've both
 shared:
 a) Your views about what you expect from a sexual relationship.
 b) Blood-test results.
 c) A cab.
 d) Five tequila slammers.

 You time your orgasm so that:
 a) Your partner climaxes first.
 b) You both climax simultaneously.
 c) The director can set up for a close-up.
 d) You don't miss football.

 Passionate, spontaneous sex on the kitchen floor is:
 a) Strictly for cats.
 b) Healthy, creative love-play.
 c) Not the sort of thing your wife/girlfriend would agree to.
 d) Not the sort of thing your wife/girlfriend need ever find out about.

 A prostitute is:
 a) A victim of male dominated society and social oppression.
 b) Someone who provides an essential service.
 c) A cheap date.
 d) A valued employee.

 A wife is:
 a) A victim of male dominated society and social oppression.
 b) Someone who provides an essential service.
 c) A cheap date.
 d) A valued employee.

 How can you tell when your partner has an orgasm?
 a) When she drops her nail file.
 b) When she goes the color of a Chicago Bulls uniform.
 c) When the Earth moves.
 d) Who cares?

 Which of the following lines best fits into your ideal role-playing sexual
 fantasy:
 a) "Frankly Scarlet, I don't give a damn..."
 b) "I've got a nasty swelling down here, Nurse..."
 c) "You're a lovely, fluffy little sheep...."
 d) "Another consonant please, Carol...."

 You take a woman out to dinner and the bill comes to $300. Do you expect:
 a) An overdraft.
 b) Oral sex.
 c) Her to pay next time.
 d) A thank-you letter.

 A woman who consents to having sex with you when she is drunk is:
 a) Easier.
 b) Unfortunately, probably incapable of rational judgment.
 c) Fortunately, probably incapable of rational judgment.
 d) A tricky defense in court.

 You wake to find your partner clutching your penis in one hand and a carving
 knife in the other. Do you:
 a) Talk through her anger.
 b) Shout "Look behind you!" and make a run for it.
 c) Ask her to put down the offensive weapon.
 d) Ask her to put down the knife.

------------------------------

Date:    Tue, 24 Mar 1998 10:34:17 -0500
From:    JIM MICA OFFICE OF ADMISSION ITHACA COLLEGE <JMICA@OA.ITHACA.EDU>
Subject: COGNO-INTELLECTUALISM ON THE RISE <humor?>

        *Long term HUMOR my recall the following announcement from
last December's issue of The mini-Annals of Improbable Research*

Date: Thu, 11 Dec 1997 00:01:37 -0500 (EST)
From: Marc Abrahams
Subject: mini-AIR Dec 97 -- Cogno-Intellectual

We invite you to take part in a large-scale language experiment.
It concerns the word "cogno-intellectual." This noble word can be
used as an adjective or as a noun. We just invented it. The fact
that "cogno-intellectual" has no meaning makes it a useful word.
Meaning nothing, it can be used for anything.

Here is the experiment. Use the word "cogno-intellectual" in
written and oral communications...  {snip}

The most interesting, and the most useful, stage of the experiment
will be to then gather evidence that the word is seeping into
general use. When you see such evidence, please send a copy to us
at:
                Institute of Cogno-Intellectual Research
                c/o AIR, PO Box 380853, Cambridge MA 02238 USA

        *This update on the C-I project arrived in my mail today:

Date: Mon, 23 Mar 1998 19:57:28 -0500 (EST)
From: Marc Abrahams <marca@wilson.harvard.edu>

COGNO-INTELLECTUAL ADVANCEMENT
Investigator Sturle Sunde reports on Norwegian business practices:
        "A friend of mine used the word 'cogno-intellectual' several
times in a presentation (which he wasn't very well prepared for)
for his employer.  He also used the word 'pro-active.' His
employer liked the idea of being cogno-intellectual, and promoted
my friend immediately. He is now in charge of some projects which
he doesn't know anything about. "
      ------------------------------------------------

        *This snippet is also in the latest issue of Mini-AIR

1998-04-04      Luggage Vaporization

Investigator David Smith writes to notify us of a startlingly
powerful new technology:
        "The March 16th issue of "Aviation Week and Space
Technology" (p.13) reports that passengers at San Francisco
International Airport will be asked to submit carry-on luggage for
examination by a machine called the "Carry-on Luggage Profiler."
Av Week reports that this remarkable device makes use of "3-
megawatt average power" top- and side-mounted lasers to derives
precise bag height and width data. The article goes on to say that
initial trials at Des Moines International Airport have
'significantly increased the amount of luggage that was checked.'"

If anyone has first-hand knowledge as to what is the minimum power
needed to convert luggage from solid to gaseous form, please send
it to <marca@wilson.harvard.edu>

------------------------------

Date:    Tue, 24 Mar 1998 09:52:57 -0600
From:    PHREdd <phredd@MCS.NET>
Subject: Canada (Crude, off. to Canadians)

There was a boy who worked in the produce section of the market. A man
came in and asked to buy half a head of lettuce.

The boy told him that they only sold whole heads of lettuce, but the man
replied that he did not need a whole head, but only a half head. The boy
said he would go ask his manager about the matter.

The boy walked into the back room and said, "There is some asshole out
there who wants to buy only a half a head of lettuce." As he was finishing
saying this he turned around to find the man standing right behind him, so
he added, "And this gentleman wants to buy the other half." The manager
okayed the deal and the man went on his way.

Later the manager called on the boy and said, "You almost got yourself in
a lot of trouble earlier, but I must say I was impressed with the way you
got yourself out of it. You think on your feet and we like that around
here.

Where are you from son?"

The boy replied, "Canada, sir".

"Oh really. Why did you leave Canada?" asked the manager..

The boy replied, "They're all whores and hockey players up there."

"My wife is from Canada!!"

The boy replied, "Really!  What team did she play for?"

------------------------------

Date:    Tue, 24 Mar 1998 09:02:19 -0800
From:    Susan Birkenseer <sbirkens@WAHOO.SJSU.EDU>
Subject: Golf Joke <offensive to religious people>


Nice Shot
---------
Moses and Jesus are part of a threesome playing golf one day.  Moses
pulls up to the tee and drives a long one.  The ball lands on the fairway,
but rolls directly toward a water trap.  Quickly Moses raises his club,
the water parts, and the ball rolls to the other side, safe and sound.

Next, Jesus strolls up to the tee and hits a nice long one directly
toward the same water trap.  It lands right in the center of the pond and
kind of hovers over the water. Jesus casually walks out on the pond and
chips the ball right up onto the green.

Then the third guy gets up and sort of randomly whacks the ball.  It
heads out over the fence and into oncoming traffic on a nearby street.
It bounces off a truck and hits a nearby tree.  From there, it bounces
onto the roof of a shack close by and rolls down into the gutter, down
the drain spout, out onto the fairway and straight toward the aforementioned
pond. On the way to the pond, the ball hits a little stone and bounces out
over the water and onto a lily pad, where it comes quietly to rest.
Suddenly, a very large bullfrog jumps up on the lily pad and snatches the
ball into his mouth.  Just then, an eagle swoops down and grabs the frog
and flies away. As they pass over the green, the frog squeals with fright
and drops the ball, which bounces right into the hole for a beautiful
hole in one.

Moses leans over toward Jesus and whispers, "I HATE playing with your Dad."

------------------------------

Date:    Tue, 24 Mar 1998 10:08:06 +0200
From:    Soni Satish * Datavia <SatishSo@TRANSNET.CO.ZA>
Subject: 2  IN  1 <1ST has sexual con.; 2nd off to psyke. patients>

 A man comes to his doctor and tells him that his wife doesn't want to
 have sex with him for the last 7 months. The doc tells the man to bring
 his wife in so he can talk to her. So the wife comes into the doctors
 office and the doctor asks her whats wrong and why doesn't she want to
 have sex with her husband anymore.

 The wife tells him, "For the last 7 months every morning I take a cab to
 work. I dont have any money so the cab driver asks me, 'So are you going
 to pay today or what?' so I take a 'or what'. When I get to work I'm late
 so the boss asks me, 'So are we going to write this down in the book or
 what?' so I take a 'or what'. Back home agian I take the cab and again I
 don't have any money so the cab driver asks me again, 'So are you going
 to pay this time or what?' so again I take a 'or what'.

 So you see doc when I get home I'm all tired out, and I don't want it any
 more." The doctor thinks for a secound and then turns to the wife and
 says, "So are we going to tell your husband or what?"
				 ~~~~~~

 Late one night at the insane asylum one inmate shouted, "I am Napoleon!"
 Another one said, "How do you know?"
 The first inmate said, "God told me!"
 Just then, a voice from another room shouted, "I did NOT!!!"

------------------------------

Date:    Tue, 24 Mar 1998 14:38:20 -0600
From:    Joe Hickman <comedy@FLASH.NET>
Subject: Other News <a little gross>


-The FBI says two packages laced with gunpowder sent to two U.S.
 senators apparently came from a Vermont man with a history of mental
 illness. He's sending gunpowder through the mail? Who is he--the
 Unisnorter?

-The Boy Scouts of America may make snowboarding a merit badge
 activity. That's great. You never know when you might need to help a
 little old lady down a mountain really fast.

-In Lubec, Maine, an 84-year-old grocer who died two weeks ago is
 resting in a concrete vault on the steps of the store he used to run.
 Flooding ruined the cemetery, so the man's daughter thought he'd be
 happy at the store until other arrangements can be made. She must be
 right--he hasn't complained.

-A London stockbroker has invented an aerosol spray that quick freezes
 dog poop, making it easier to scoop. It even comes with a cute little
 stick for making =93poopsicles.=94 =A0(Bill Williams, e-mail)
--------------------------

>From Ha! at http://www.flash.net/~comedy

------------------------------

Date:    Tue, 24 Mar 1998 16:14:28 EST
From:    Bill Edwards <EDWARDS_BILL@COLSTATE.EDU>
Subject: Disdainful comments and questions about contemporary life

Bills travel through the mail at twice the speed of checks.

A recently concluded $18 million, seven-year study by the University
of Stockholm has conlcuded that God speaks like we do here in the
South. Actually, he sounds almost exactly like Sen. Strom Thurmond.

America is like the guy at the party who gives eveyrone cocaine, and
still no one likes him.

If an older woman marries a younger man, it is called "robbing the
cradle." So, if a younger woman marries an older man, is is called
"robbing the casket"?

Is it too late? I think that part of the tobacco settlement should be
that you could buy a coffin with Marlboro Miles.

I wonder if Noah blamed the flood on El Nino.

If you still think "There's no such thing as a stupid quesiton," you
haven't met my boss!

One of my black friends told me that the SAT is "culturally biased"
in favor of whites. if that's true, how come the Asian kids are
kicking our white butts?

Memo to Tara Lipinski: when invited to the White House, take along
your friend the sumo champ.

I wish there were mute buttons for people!

source: http://www.accessatlanta.com/local/thevent

------------------------------

Date:    Wed, 25 Mar 1998 09:44:28 -0500
From:    Chalapathi Rao Poduri <chaps@TC4HQ.CMC.STPH.NET>
Subject: Facts For Women!:-)-Part 2/2 <adult>

Percent of men who say they masturbate: 60%
Percent of men who say they masturbate at least once a day: 54%
Percant of men who say they feel guilty masturbating that often: 41%

Amount of time needed for a man to regain erection: from 2 min to 2weeks

Average # of erections per day for a man: 11
Average # of erections during the night: 9

Distance sperm travels to fertilize an egg: 3-4 inches
The human equvalent: 26 miles (a marathon distance)
Time it takes the sperm: 2.5 seconds
Time it takes an average person to complete a marathon: 4 hours

Sperm life: 2 1/2 months (from development to ejaculation)
Shelf life of a hostess twinkie: 7 years

Cost of a year's supply of condoms: $100

Thickness of the average condom: .07 mm
Thickness of super-thin condoms: .05 mm
Thickness of plastic wrap: .0127 mm
# of times condoms are thicker that plastic wrap: almost 6

And a brief but useful bit of information for women...:-

In general, the taste of a man's semen varies with his diet.  Some say
that the alkaline-based foods (fish and some meats) produce a buttery or
fishy taste.  Dairy products can create a foul taste; the taste of semen
after eating asparagus is said to be the foulest.  ACIDIC FRUITS AND
ALCOHOL (EXCEPT PROCESSED LIQUORS) GIVE IT A PLEASANT AND SUGARY TASTE.
Examples: oranges, mangos, kiwi, lemons, grapefruit, limes, Labatt Blue,
Honey BRown, etc.  ( drinking a Corona with lime is double the fun)
Odors that increase blood flow to the penis: lavender, licorice,
chocolate, doughnuts, pumpkin pie (happy thanksgiving!)

Yes, the penis does shrink in the shower

It is common for men to wake up with 'moring wood', a name for an a.m.
erection Blue balls, or the term a man uses when he says his balls will 
explode if he doesn't have sex, is totally false

And ONE fact for men:-
Guys, it's not us, a female is wet all of the time.

------------------------------

Date:    Wed, 25 Mar 1998 00:25:26 +0000
From:    Jack Shea <jshumor@BERK.COM>
Subject: Safety Concerns

In June, a Scripps Howard News Service reporter examined Consumer Product
Safety Commission records recently made public & found that 1,823 serious
injuries caused by "electronic air-fresheners" had been reported to the
agency.  Though the records were short on details, they included 50 cases
of amputation, 46 burns, 48 scaldings, 68 poisonings, 56 "foreign-body"
penetrations, and 69 "drownings."

------------------------------

End of HUMOR Digest - 24 Mar 1998 to 25 Mar 1998
************************************************

