HUMOR Digest - 23 Mar 1998 to 24 Mar 1998
There are 12 messages totalling 522 lines in this issue.

Topics of the day:

  1. Men and Sex <adult humor>
  2. Top 10
  3. Deathbed confession <inoff.>
  4. Toy Factory
  5. Did you ever wonder?
  6. Fw: Parrot Joke (clean)
  7. How to hire a programmer
  8. Problems with mathematics
  9. nut story (bodily function allusion)
 10. Facts For Women!:-)-Part 1/2 <adult>
 11. Technology: Workplace Rules and Guidlines PT. 2
 12. Ouch...(off. to chiropracters)

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Date:    Mon, 23 Mar 1998 03:06:07 -0500
From:    Jim Moore Jr <jimjr@QIS.NET>
Subject: Men and Sex <adult humor>

*   I can almost feel sorry for the poor Yuppie who went to
  the seminar held at the Howard County Hospital in Columbia
  Maryland on Premature Ejaculation.
    The training was supposed to begin at eight o'clock. He
  got there at 10 of, but the meeting was already over.
                                - - - - -

* Men are always trying to out-do each other, even when it
  comes to sex. A friend of mine asked me if Mrs JimJr smokes
  after sex.  Pausing, as if to think a moment, I replied,
  "Well...  no...  but she sizzles a little."
                                - - - - -

*   The young American girl, on her very first trip to Paris,
  decided to test the French male's fabled expertise in the
  art of love-making.  On her first date, she asked him what
  exactly he intended to do with her.
    "First," he replied, "I weel remove ze dress. Zen, I will
  carry you to ze bed.  And zen," he added triumphantly, "I
  will kiss ze navel."
    "Big deal !!!" she said.  "I've had my navel kissed before
  hundreds of times."
    "Ahhhhhh, but of course." shrugged the Frenchman. "But...
  from ze inside ?"
                                - - - - -

* The most recent survey on women showed that 10 of the men
  interviewed liked women with thin legs.  Another 15 percent
  preferred muscular legs.  The rest liked something in-between.
                                - - - - -

*   The minister was passing a group of young teens sitting on
  the Church lawn and stopped to ask what they were doing.
    "Nothing much Pastor." replied the one lad.  "We just seeing
  who can tell the biggest lie about their sex life."
    "Boys !  Boys !  Boys !" he intoned.  "I'm shocked.  Why when
  I was your age, I never even thought about sex at all."
    They all replied, pretty much in unison, "You win Pastor !"


www.qis.net/~jimjr  ("QIS.NET")
www.geocities.com/BourbonStreet/6293

------------------------------

Date:    Mon, 23 Mar 1998 07:13:07 -0500
From:    Terry Galan <galante@MCMAIL.CIS.MCMASTER.CA>
Subject: Top 10


 Top Ten Things That Sound Dirty in Golf, but Aren't ...

 10.    Oh, bite, sweatheart.
 9.     See it suck back to the hole?
 8.     I yanked it in the woods.
 7.     I pushed it in the swamp.
 6.     Never up, never in.
 5.     My head was a little late to impact.
 4.     Hey, I think you're inside me.
 3.     Flip it up and let it land softly.
 2.     Make sure the shaft comes back to vertical.
 1.     Damn, there's hole in the headcover.

------------------------------

Date:    Mon, 23 Mar 1998 07:28:42 EST
From:    Cyn MacG <CynMacG@AOL.COM>
Subject: Deathbed confession <inoff.>

Sandra was on her deathbed, with her husband Burt at her side.  He held her
cold hand as his silent tears streamed down his face.

"Burt," she said, weakly.

"Hush," he interrupted.  "Don't talk."  But she insisted.

"Burt," she continued.  "I have something to confess."

"There is nothing to confess," said the weeping Burt.  "It's all right.
Everything's all right."

"No, no. I must die in peace.  I must confess, Burt, that I have been
unfaithful to you."

Burt stroked her hand.  "Now, Sandra, don't be concerned.  I know all about
it," he sobbed.

"You do?" she gasped.

"Sure. Why else would I poison you?"

------------------------------

Date:    Mon, 23 Mar 1998 06:47:02 -0600
From:    Jennifer Walker <jkwalker@TENET.EDU>
Subject: Toy Factory

A woman goes to work in a toy factory. The supervisor says he's sure
she'll dofine in the Tickle-me Elmo division.He'll check on her later,
after lunch. The woman is very nervous, so she follows his instructions
to the letter. The supervisor checks her work. She's a little behind, but
not that bad. However, there are 2 big metal nuts attached to Elmo's legs.
"Why are the nuts are Elmo's legs", he asked, "I told you to give him
two test tickles."

------------------------------

Date:    Mon, 23 Mar 1998 06:19:46 -0800
From:    Matthew R Hirsch <hmatt@JUNO.COM>
Subject: Did you ever wonder?

[I got this from my friend Timothy J Turner]

*How they know the earth is 4 billion years old if nobody was around to
 witness it?
*Why people with credit cards always seem to have bad credit.
*If a book is misprinted do they call it copy-wronged?
*If a book is published south of the equator is it copy-lefted?
*If the earth is turning west to east here, is it turning east to west
 south of the equator?
*How your luggage can end up in Ohio, you can end up in Nevada, and your
 plane can land in Afghanistan? (OK, maybe that's going too far.  Hey, 
 give me a break, I'm making these up as I go.)
*If earth is just another name for dirt, why don't the call Mars, Venus,
 Jupiter, etc. planet Earth too, aren't they made of dirt?
*If motion is relative, why do science classes teach that the Earth
 revolves around the sun?  Isn't it just as likely for the sun to revolve
 around the earth?
*How come police can't just say what's happening if all the criminals
 know the codes for everything? 10-4
*Why the way gangsters hold a gun changes every time Hollywood does?
*If they're only portraying reality, why we don't make directors make
 peaceful, happy movies?
*Why are news stations so eager to reveal scandal in the media?
*If everyone seems to think the media is corrupt, why do we still watch?
*What keeps gravity from being flung into space?
*How do we know the psycho people aren't really sane and everyone else
 isn't crazy?
*Why do we have a word for illiterate?
*What do we get if we go to one of those cyber-cafes and order fish and
 chips?
*Who decided that green meant go and red meant stop?
*If Latin is such an old language, why do we give our latest inventions
 Latin names?
*If the aliens are so incredibly advanced, do you think the government
 could hide them if the aliens wanted us to know they were here?
*Why war is bad, but rated R movies(the reeeeally gory ones) are OK?
*How people can go to multi-million dollar casinos, with thousands of
 expensive lights outside running up a huge electric bill, luxurious
 decorating, and a giant staff, and think they're going to win something?
*Did you ever wonder if maybe we were caught in a time warp?  Did you
 ever wonder if maybe we were caught in a time warp?  Did you ever wonder
 if maybe we were caught in a time warp?

------------------------------

Date:    Mon, 23 Mar 1998 11:46:58 -0800
From:    Susan Birkenseer <sbirkens@WAHOO.SJSU.EDU>
Subject: Fw: Parrot Joke (clean)

Dick received a parrot for his birthday.  This parrot was fully
grown with a bad attitude and a worse vocabulary.  Every other word was an
expletive...those that weren't expletives were, to say the least, rude.
Dick tried hard to change the bird's attitude and was constantly
saying polite words, playing soft music, anything he could think of to try
and set a good example ... nothing worked.  He yelled at the bird  and the
bird got worse.  He shook the bird and the bird got angrier  and ruder.
Finally, in a moment of desperation, Dick put the parrot into the
freezer.  For a few moments Dick heard the bird squawking and kicking and
screaming -- then suddenly there was quiet.

Dick was frightened that he might have actually hurt the bird and
quickly opened the freezer door.  The parrot calmly stepped out onto Dick's
extended arm and said:  "I'm sorry that I might have offended you with my
language and actions, and therefore, I ask for your forgiveness .  I will endeavor to correct my behavior."

Dick was astounded at the bird's change in attitude, and was just about to
ask the parrot what had made such a drastic change in his attitude, when
the parrot spoke again and said:  "If you don't mind, may I ask what
the chicken did?

------------------------------

Date:    Mon, 23 Mar 1998 15:23:12 -0500
From:    Beth Frantz <efrantz@ANNA-MARIA.EDU>
Subject: How to hire a programmer

Some interesting tips to use when interviewing candidates...

How to Hire a Programmer
by Kevin D. Weeks

Forget about competency tests, previous work history, personality profiles
like the MBTI, reference-checking, and follow-up interviews.  After years
of rigorous and admittedly maverick research, I've identified five key
characteristics you can use to quickly assess the fitness of a programmer
candidate.  I humbly submit that if you follow my advice and check for
these attributes, you'll shorten your hiring cycle and simultaneously
increase your success rate.

The best programmers prefer cats as pets.  I've canvassed hundreds of
programmers on the subject of preferred pets, and despite the odd
ferret-lover (and believe me, ferret-lovers are odd), time after time cats
turn out to be the non-human companion of choice.  Think about it; it makes
perfect sense because programmers are human cats.  Cats are night animals,
as are programmers.  Cats are independent, like programmers.  Cats prefer
to be left alone except when they want attention, and so do programmers.
Cats are notoriously elegant animals and ... uhm, well ... programmers
love elegant code.  What's more, software guru Meilir Page-Jones has
likened managing programmers to herding cats.

Turning to the next characteristic, programmers have a highly developed
sense of the absurd.  And if you think about it, this makes no sense at
all.  I don't know why so many programmers can quote The Hitchhiker's Guide
to the Galaxy or know the entire Naughty Hungarian Phrase Book skit, but
they do.  The next time you interview a programmer candidate throw a
"You're all individuals" at him and see what he says.

Perhaps a sense of the absurd matters because so much of what developers
put up with is absurd - absurd schedules, absurd requirements, absurd hours.
Treating the absurdities of the average development process with humor
makes developers' jobs much easier.

Developers are usually science-fiction fans.  Great programmers love
technology, especially technology that doesn't yet exist.  You're in a
business where the only constant is change, and you need developers who
don't mind a few arrows in their backs.  Make sure your candidate has read
Robert Heinlein's The Moon Is a Harsh Mistress.  And remember, every
programmer worth her salt knows what grok means.  Many developers also are
musicians, painters, or photographers.  Some will claim this is because
both programming and artistic endeavors require great creativity.  They're
wrong.  It's because programming is more like painting than engineering.
Like painters, when programmers make mistakes, they just code right over
them.

Then there's the matter of puns.  I've witnessed online pun-fests that
lasted as long as a week, with as many as 30 programmers trying to outdo
each other.  I've noticed that some participants are punctilious about
staying with the root word, while others approach them as pun-tests where
misspelling words is permitted.  Again, the predilection makes perfect
sense.  Programming is about using language to accomplish something, and
programmers have a highly evolved appreciation of how a language can be
manipulated to specific ends.  Puns are ways of both displaying a mastery
of language and honing it.

So there you have it.  Look for developers who love cats, quote Monty
Python, read Heinlein, play guitar, and are accomplished punsters.  If you
find all these characteristics in a single individual, hire that person
immediately - confident you're hiring a truly great developer.

VB Tech Journal  January 1998


Beth Frantz; Music Therapy Major
Anna Maria College
Paxton, MA

------------------------------

Date:    Mon, 23 Mar 1998 17:45:57 -0800
From:    Joke List <1rodney@GEOCITIES.COM>
Subject: Problems with mathematics

A ten year old boy was failing math.  His parents tried everything from
tutors to hypnosis, but to no avail.  Finally, at  the insistence of a
family friend, they decided to enroll their son in a private Catholic
school.

After the first day, the boy's parents were surprised when he walked in
after school with a stern, focused and very determined expression on his
face, and went right past them straight to his room, where he quietly
closed the door.

For nearly two hours he toiled away in his room - with math books strewn
about his desk and the surrounding floor. He emerged long enough to eat,
and after quickly cleaning his plate, went straight back to his room,
closed the door, and worked feverishly at his studies until bedtime.

This pattern continued ceaselessly until it was time for the first
quarter report card.  The boy walked in with his report
card-unopened-laid it on the dinner table and went straight to his room.
Cautiously, his mother opened it and to her amazement, she saw a bright
red "A" under the subject of MATH.

Overjoyed, she and her husband rushed into their son's room, thrilled at
his remarkable progress. "Was it the nuns that did it?", the father
asked.

The boy only shook his head and said, "No."

"Was it theone-on-one tutoring? The peer-mentoring?"

"No."

"The textbooks?  The teachers?  The curriculum?"

"Nope," said the son. "On that first day, when I walked in
the front door and saw that guy they nailed to the 'plus sign,'
I just knew they meant business!"


Rodney And Cathy's Joke List
Visit our web site at: http://www.rcjokelist.com
To subscribe send a message to: rcjokelist-on@mail-list.com

------------------------------

Date:    Mon, 23 Mar 1998 19:59:03 -0800
From:    Steven & Susan <sgarrett@NWRAIN.COM>
Subject: nut story (bodily function allusion)

A NUT story....................

 An institution for the mentally ill arranged for its inmates to
 attend a baseball game. The director spent days training the patients
 to obey his commands so there wouldn't be any trouble.

 The day of the game was bright and sunny, and the group arrived
 just before the first pitch. When it was time for the national anthem,
 the director yelled, "Up, nuts!" and the inmates immediately rose.
 When the national anthem was over, the director yelled, "Down,
 nuts!" and the inmates  sat. The game proceeded, and the inmates were
 well behaved. When the home team made a good play, the director yelled,
 "Clap, nuts!" and the patients applauded just like normal fans.

 Things were going so well that the director left his seat to go
 get a hot dog and a beer. But when he came back, there was a riot going
 on. The director finally located his assistant and demanded to know
 what happened!?"

 "Everything was fine," the assistant said, "until some guy came
  over and yelled, "Peanuts!"

------------------------------

Date:    Tue, 24 Mar 1998 09:53:22 -0500
From:    Chalapathi Rao Poduri <chaps@TC4HQ.CMC.STPH.NET>
Subject: Facts For Women!:-)-Part 1/2 <adult>

Actual amout of semen per ejaculation: 1-2 teaspoons
Average number of times a man will ejaculate in his lifetime: 7,200
Average # of times he will ejaculate from masturbation: 2,000

Average total amount of lifetime ejaculate: 14 gallons
Average amount of water it takes to fill a bathtub: 35 gallons

Average speed of ejaculation: 28 miles per hour
Average speed of a city bus: 25 miles per hour

Average # of calories in a teaspoon of semen: 7
Average # of calories in a can of Dr. Pepper: 150

Average length of penis when not erect: 3.5 inches
Average length when erect: 5.1

Smallest natural penis recorded: 5/8 of an inch
Largest natural penis recorded: 11 inches

Largest penis in the animal kingdom: 11 feet (blue whale)
Height from court floor to the rim of a basketball hoop: 10 feet

Most arousing time of day/season for a man: early morning/fall

Best ways to improve sexual function: quit smoking, start excercising,
lose weight.

Foods that improve sex life: oysters, lean meat, seafood, whole grains,
wheat germ, chicken fingers from Erie dining hall

------------------------------

Date:    Tue, 24 Mar 1998 00:08:12 -0500
From:    Cereal Killer <lvermont@UWIMONA.EDU.JM>
Subject: Technology: Workplace Rules and Guidlines PT. 2

Put on your headphones on whenever the boss comes into the office. Talk
in a loud voice. Remove your headphones when he or she leaves.

When in conversation, no matter where you are in the office, mutter, "I
think my phone is ringing" and leave. Go get a coffee.

Determine how many cups of coffee is "too many."

Develop an unnatural fear of staplers.

Compose all your e-mail in rhyming couplets.

Install a set of buttons and lights in the arm of your chair. Talk into
your daytimer.

"Hi-lite" your shoes. Tell people that you haven't lost your shoes
since you did this.

Hang mistletoe over your desk.

Bring in dishes that you tried to cook but didn't turn out quite right
as special treats for your co-workers.

While sitting at your desk, soak your fingers in "Palmolive".

Put up mosquito netting around your cubicle.

Decorate your office with pictures of Cindy Brady and Danny Partridge.
Try to pass them off as your children.

For a relaxing break, get away from it all with a mask and snorkel in
the fish tank. If no one notices, take out your snorkel and see how many
you can catch in your mouth.

Send e-mail messages saying free pizza, free donuts etc... in the
lunchroom, when people complain that there was none... Just lean back,
pat your stomach, and say, "Oh you've got to be faster than that." See
how long it takes until the last person stops believing you. Then start
planting pizzas.

Put decaf in the coffeemaker for 3 weeks. Once everyone has gotten over
their caffeine addictions, switch to espresso.

Put those hole reinforcing circles on the center of you eyeglasses. Now
go to that executive meeting.

Put shaving foam on your bosses telephone earpiece. Dial the number.
When he/she answers, say "Sqwish."

Subscribe your coworkers to  those free trade journals. Give them wacky
middle names. Example: Bobby "Pud" McNeel.

Change the message on the company voice mail system. Get "Creative".

------------------------------

Date:    Tue, 24 Mar 1998 01:44:05 +0000
From:    Jack Shea <jshumor@BERK.COM>
Subject: Ouch...(off. to chiropracters)

James Van Gorder, 31, filed a lawsuit in August against the Parkway
Chiropractic Center in Detroit, Mich., for negligence during his recent
treatment for back pain.  According to Van Gorder, the chiropractor had
him take off his clothes and lie face down on the two-part examining table.
The way he was lying, his genitals fell between the parts, and when the
chiropractor adjusted the table, Van Gorder got caught.  He claims extreme
pain, suffering, disfigurement, and loss of sexual desire.

------------------------------

End of HUMOR Digest - 23 Mar 1998 to 24 Mar 1998
************************************************

