HUMOR Digest - 22 Mar 1998 to 23 Mar 1998
There are 9 messages totalling 382 lines in this issue.

Topics of the day:

  1. Ugliness <offensive to ugly people>
  2. MONICA SPEAKS OUT
  3. Giude to safe E-mail
  4. The Life Boat
  5. Jewish Mothers
  6. Yet MORE Men Jokes <offensive to men, maybe>
  7. BATS <abt relig but not likely to be offensive>
  8. A sick Joke <Possibly Offensive to Sensitive Individuals>
  9. Then & Now <clean>

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Date:    Sun, 22 Mar 1998 02:47:27 -0500
From:    Jim Moore Jr <jimjr@QIS.NET>
Subject: Ugliness <offensive to ugly people>

* It's said that beauty is in the eye of the beholder.  Alright.
  Problem is...  so is ugliness.
                                - - - - -

* I'm not saying she was ugly, but...
  When she went camping, the bears built a fire to keep her away
                                - - - - -

* At least you know ugly people aren't two-faced
  If they were, surely they'd use their other face
                                - - - - -

* I'm not saying she was ugly, but...
  At her "coming out party", they made her go back in
                                - - - - -

* It's said that beauty is only skin deep.  Alright.
  Does that mean if we skin ugly people they'd look better ?
                                - - - - -

* I'm not saying she was ugly, but...
  When she goes into a bank, they turn off the surveillance camera
                                - - - - -

* It's said that the beauty of a woman fades with time.  Alright.
  Then, what the hell happens to an ugly woman ?
                                - - - - -

* I'm not saying she was ugly, but...
  When she sat for her portrait, the artist keep breaking his brush
                                - - - - -

* There are no ugly children in Columbia Maryland
  The cats bury them all in their sandboxes
                                - - - - -

* I'm not saying she was ugly, but...
  When she went to the Ladies Room, the attendant asked for ID


www.qis.net/~jimjr  ("QIS.NET")
www.geocities.com/BourbonStreet/6293

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Date:    Sun, 22 Mar 1998 09:53:35 -0500
From:    Terry Galan <galante@MCMAIL.CIS.MCMASTER.CA>
Subject: MONICA SPEAKS OUT

   Fresh off of the Associated Press Wire...

 AP - Monica Lewinsky, in a statement released today, countered President
      Clinton's firm denial:

 "I have had enough. This whole experience has left a bitter taste in my
  mouth, and I can't stomach any more. I feel as if I am getting the
 shaft, that this ugly matter has come to a head and blown up in my face.

 "This may be a load to handle, but when things are hard, that is when I
  am at my best. I have faced hard things in the past, and I know what is
  coming. I will meet this challenge the only way I know how: head on.

 "I have licked bigger things than this before, and I will again. No one
  will ever be able to say that Monica Lewinsky isn't a finisher, that she
  quits before the job was done. I will work non-stop and fight this, blow
  by blow, until I am wiped clean of this dirty affair. I will not be
  stained by it.

  "Thank you."

------------------------------

Date:    Sun, 22 Mar 1998 10:41:28 -0500
From:    "James R. Muller" <computer25@JUNO.COM>
Subject: Giude to safe E-mail

Q. Do I have to be married to have safe E-MAIL?
A. Although married people E-MAIL quite often, there are many
  single people who E-MAIL to complete strangers every day.

Q. My parents say they never had E-MAIL when they were young and
   were only allowed to write their memos to each other until they
   were twenty-one. How old do you think someone should be before
   they can E-MAIL?
A. E-MAILing can be performed at any age once you learn the
   correct procedures.

Q. If I E-MAIL something to myself, will I go blind?
A. Certainly not, as far as we can see.

Q. There is a place on our street where you can go to pay to E-MAIL, is
   this legal?
A. Yes! Many people have no other outlet for their E-MAIL drives and
   must pay a "professional" when their need to E-MAIL becomes too great.

Q. Should a cover always be used for E-MAILing?
A. Unless you are really sure of the one you are E-MAILing to, a
   cover should be used to insure safe E-MAIL.

Q. What happens when I incorrectly do the procedure and I E-MAIL
   prematurely?
A. Don't panic, many people prematurely E-MAIL when they haven't E-MAILed
   in a long time. Just start over, most people won't mind if you try
   again.

Q. I have a personal and a business E-MAIL, can transmissions
  become mixed up?
A. Being bi-E-MAILual can be confusing, but as long as you use a
   cover with each one, you won't transmit anything you're not supposed
   to.

------------------------------

Date:    Sun, 22 Mar 1998 02:26:58 -0800
From:    Stan Kegel <kegel@FEA.NET>
Subject: The Life Boat

The ship was sinking and four sailors were able to get a lifeboat into
the water and climb into it safely. As they relaxed, they decided to
have a cigarette and relax a few moments before starting their journey
to safety. The cigarettes were dry but all their matches had become wet
and they had no way to light their cigaretttes. Finally, one of the
sailors came up with a solution. He threw a cigarette overboard. This
worked well because .... the lifeboat had become a cigarette lighter.

------------------------------

Date:    Sun, 22 Mar 1998 11:08:04 -0800
From:    Stan Kegel <kegel@FEA.NET>
Subject: Jewish Mothers

After 40 years, mother finally got her citizenship papers and proudly
registered to vote. Well, Mother received a notice to report for jury
duty, and to our surprice was not only selected for a jury but was
elected the foreman. It was a criminal case. A husband had shot his
wife's lover, but only grazed his arm. The jury was out for over four
houirs before returning. Everyone waited with bated breath as the judge
asked my mother whether the jury had reached a verdict, Mother stood up,
and firmly replied, "We have, your honor, we decided not to butt in."

My mother once gave me two sweaters for Christmas. The next time we
visited, I made sure to wear one. As we entered her home, instead of the
expected smile, she said, "What's the matter ? You didn't like the other
one ?"

A man called his mother in Florida. He said to his mother, "How are you
doing ?" She said, "not to good. I've been very weak." The son then
asked, "Why are you so weak ?" She said, "Because I havn't eaten in 38
days." The son then asked, "How come you haven't eaten in 38 days." She
said, "Because I didn't want my mouth to be filled with food when you
called."

On a bus in Tel Aviv, a mother was talking animatedly, in Yiddish, to
her little boy - who kept answering her in Hebrew. And each time the
mother said, "No, no, talk Yiddish!" An inpatient Israeli, overhearing
this, exclaimed, "Lady, why do you insist the boy talk Yiddish instead
of Hebrew?" Replied the mother, "I don't want him to forget he's a Jew."

A Jewish young man was seeing a psychiatrist for an eating and sleeping
disorder. "I am so obsessed with my mother... As soon as I go to sleep,
I start dreaming, and everyone in my dream turns into my mother. I wake
up in such a state, all I can do is go downstairs and eat a piece of
toast." The psychiatrist replies: "What, just one piece of toast, for a
big boy like you?"

Q. Why aren't there any Jewish mothers on parole boards?
A. They'd never let anyone finish a sentence!

Q: What's Jewish Alzheimer's Disease?
A: It's when you forget everything but the guilt...

------------------------------

Date:    Sun, 22 Mar 1998 17:35:48 EST
From:    CHARITY D CRENSHAW <charity.com1@JUNO.COM>
Subject: Yet MORE Men Jokes <offensive to men, maybe>

PLUMBER: Where's the drip?
WIFE: He's in the bathroom trying to fix the leak.

What do you call a stupid man who uses the rhythm method?
	       DAD

"Do you think you could fall for me?" asked the man at the bar.
              "Only if you pushed me."

What quality do most men look for in a woman?
               Breathing.

How do you brainwash a man?
              Step on his enema bag.

What's the only time a man thinks about a candlelight dinner.
              When the power goes out.

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Date:    Sun, 22 Mar 1998 18:33:30 EST
From:    Cyn MacG <CynMacG@AOL.COM>
Subject: BATS <abt relig but not likely to be offensive>

Three Pastors in the south were having lunch in a diner.

One said, "You know, since summer started I've been having trouble with bats
in my loft and attic at church.  I've tried everything -- noise, spray, cats--
nothing seems to scare them away."

Another said, "Yea, me too.  I've got hundreds living in my belfry and in the
attic.  I've even had the place fumigated, and they still won't go away."

The third said, "I baptized all mine, and made them members of the church... haven't seen one back since!"

------------------------------

Date:    Sun, 22 Mar 1998 20:01:53 -0500
From:    Owen H O'Neill <ohoneill@JUNO.COM>
Subject: A sick Joke <Possibly Offensive to Sensitive Individuals>

A man is waiting for wife to give birth. The doctor comes in and informs
the dad that his son was born without torso, arms or legs. The son is just
a head! But the dad loves his son and raises him as well  as he can, with
love and compassion.

After 21 years, the son is old enough for his first drink. Dad takes him
to the bar and tearfully tells the son he is proud of him. Dad orders up
the biggest, strongest drink for his boy. With all the bar patrons looking
on curiously and the bartender shaking his head in  disbelief, the boy
takes his first sip of alcohol. Swoooop! A torso pops out!

The bar is dead silent; then bursts into a whoop of joy. The father,
shocked, begs his son to drink again. The patrons chant "take another
drink"!  Swoooop! Two arms pops out. The bar goes wild. The father, crying
and wailing, begs his son to drink again. The patrons chant "take another
drink"!

By now the boy is getting  tipsy, and with his new hands he reaches down,
grabs his drink and guzzles the last of it. Swoooop! Two legs pop out.
The bar is in chaos. The father thanks God. The boy stands up on his new
legs and stumbles to the left... then to the right... right through the
front door, into the street, where a truck runs into him and kills him. The
bar falls silent. The father moans in grief.

And the moral of the story, of course, is: Quit while you're a head.

------------------------------

Date:    Mon, 23 Mar 1998 10:26:06 -0500
From:    Chalapathi Rao Poduri <chaps@TC4HQ.CMC.STPH.NET>
Subject: Then & Now <clean>

Once upon a time in a hot summer afternoon, a man was traversing
the vast plains when he felt tired and wanted to have a nap.

He found a nice mango tree with lots of branches and cool
shade, laced his bag of caps beside him and went to sleep.

Tired as he was, he was quickly fast asleep.  When he woke up after
a refreshing little nap, he found that there weren't any caps in his bag!
"Oh, god!", he said to himself, "Did the thieves have to find
me of all the people?"

But then he noticed that the mango tree was full of cute monkeys
wearing colourful caps!

He yelled at the monkeys and they screamed back.
He made faces at them and found the monkeys to be experts at that.
He threw a stone at them and they showered him with raw mangoes.

"Oh god, how do I get my caps back," he said.
Frustrated, he took off his own cap and slammed it on theground.

And lo, the stupid monkeys threw their caps too!
Smart Mr.X didn't waste a second, collected the caps and was on his way.


50 Years later ......


Young Mr.Y, grandson of famous topiwala Mr.X who was also
working hard at making caps doing his family business,
was going through the same jungle. After a long walk he was very
tired and found a nice mango tree with lots of branches and cool shade.

Mr.Y decided to rest a while and very soon was fast asleep.
A few hours later, when he woke up, he realised that all thecaps
from his bag were gone!

He started searching for the same and to his surprise found
some monkeys sitting on the mango tree wearing his caps.

He was frustrated and didn't know what to do.

And then he remembered a story his grandfather proudly used to tell him.

"Yes!!!! I can fool these monkeys!!!", said Mr.Y. "I'll make them
imitate me and very soon I'll get all my caps back!"

He waved at the monkeys   -- the Monkeys waved at him
He blew his nose                -- the Monkeys blew their noses
He started dancing             -- the Monkeys were also dancing
He pulled his ears              -- the Monkeys pulled their ears
He raised his hands           -- the Monkeys raised their hands
He threw his cap on the ground .................... one of the monkeys
jumped down from the tree, walked up to him, slapped him left
and right and said

"Idiot!!!Do you think ONLY YOU HAD A GRANDFATHER?????"

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End of HUMOR Digest - 22 Mar 1998 to 23 Mar 1998
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