HUMOR Digest - 21 Mar 1998 to 22 Mar 1998
There are 9 messages totalling 424 lines in this issue.

Topics of the day:

  1. Diagnosis
  2. Dog training stories
  3. Aren't computers grand
  4. In The News - Humorous News Quips
  5. THE SMARTER SEX?
  6. Fatuous questions & comments about contemporary life
  7. Deadly Sex
  8. Police Radar - true
  9. More Men  Jokes <men may be offended>

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Date:    Sat, 21 Mar 1998 03:07:33 -0500
From:    Jim Moore Jr <jimjr@QIS.NET>
Subject: Diagnosis

*   A Yuppette went to Dr Mac, a throat specialist.  He found
  what was wrong, and told her he'd have to paint her throat.
    She spent the next hour deciding on colors.
                                - - - - -

* The patient said: "How do I stand Doctor ?"
  He replied, "Damned if I know.  It's a medical miracle."
                                - - - - -

*   A patient complained to his doctor, "I've been to three other
  doctors and none of them agreed with your diagnosis."
    The doctor calmly replied, "Just wait until the autopsy, then
  they'll see that I was right."
                                - - - - -

*   A man went to an internist and complained of listlessness.
  After a thorough examination, the doctor said, "You ought to
  try some hormones."
    "Like they give to women ?" the patient asked, dumbfounded.
  "Are you serious ???"
    "Everybody uses hormones and for different purposes.  They
  even give them to racehorses." replied the doctor.
    The patient agreed to a shot and returned two weeks later
  for a follow-up visit. The Doctor asked if they worked.
    The patient replied, "You bet they did !  But, not exactly
  as I planned. Yesterday, I ran six furlongs in one-ten !"
                                - - - - -

*   I went to see Dr. Mac for a throat problem I was having.  Even
  in this day and age, he works alone.  I sat in the waiting room
  for over an hour.  Finally, when I got to see him, he said, "I'm
  sorry you had to wait so long Mr. Moore."
    I replied, "No problem Doctor.  Still...  I wish you could have
  seen this problem in its early stages."


www.qis.net/~jimjr  ("QIS.NET")
www.geocities.com/BourbonStreet/6293

------------------------------

Date:    Sat, 21 Mar 1998 09:54:47 EST
From:    AdinaS <AdinaS@AOL.COM>
Subject: Dog training stories

M-Talk:  True dog-traiing tales
Reposted here with the permission of the author.

Necessary background:  C/T or "click and treat" is a form of operant
conditioning used to train animals.

From: Emily Glick

Heywood is my first dog and my first attempt at training a dog.  I've
discovered that owning a dog (especially such a big dog) leads to all sorts
of unexpected human encounters.  Here are a few particularly funny things
that have happened since I got Heywood and started using the clicker to
train him.

1.  Remote control dog:

All the folks I work with own and like dogs.  I bring Heywood to work with
me quite often so everyone knows about how he's clicker trained and that
he's trained to hand signals.  This is of endless fascination to them since
most of their dogs ignore any sort of command.

One day I was giving someone from work a ride home.  There was a clicker
sitting on the dash board of my van and Heywood was sitting in the back.
Laura picked up the clicker and said, "So this is a clicker.  Let's see if
it works".  Before I could say anything she pointed it at Heywood like it
was a remote control and clicked it.  Heywood sat instantly.  Laura was
impressed, "Wow - it really does work".


2.  Another person at work was also impressed by Heywood's clicker trained
behavior but was disturbed that I would do such a thing to my dog.  I asked
why and he said, "I think it's cruel to make an animal undergo unnecessary
surgery when with just a little extra time you could have trained him
yourself."  Apparently he thought that the clicker was a remote control and
that Heywood was so responsive due to the electrodes I had had implanted in
his brain.

I couldn't make stuff like this up if I tried.

3.  My new career option:

Heywood was playing at the off-leash dog park.  He was romping with two lab
puppies when they took off down the trail.  Heywood took off after them, but
was so enthusiastic that he overtook the puppies and was rapidly becoming a
spec in the distance.  I was standing in a group of several owners.  "You'll
never see him again." someone commented.  Worried that they were right and
that Heywood was headed to the next county, I called his name.  Without
slowing down he executed a border collie style hairpin turn and came
charging back with the same enthusiasm.  He skidded to a sit at my feet.  I
clicked and gave him every treat on me.  The other owners actually clapped.
I was even more shocked than they were, but they don't need to know that.
After the treats and a big petting session, I non-chalantly told Heywood to
go play in the water.  He got up and obediently trotted up to his chest into
the water.  Another mummer of disbelief from the owners.

Later, individually, each of the owners approached me for my card.  They all
thought I was a professional dog trainer.

------------------------------

Date:    Sat, 21 Mar 1998 09:54:55 -0500
From:    "James R. Muller" <computer25@JUNO.COM>
Subject: Aren't computers grand

   1.  Home is where you hang your @
   2.  The E-mail of the species is more deadly than the mail.
   3.  A journey of a thousand sites begins with a single click.
   4.  You can't teach a new mouse old clicks.
   5.  Great groups from little icons grow.
   6.  Speak softly and carry a cellular phone.
   7.  C:\ is the root of all directories.
   8.  Don't put all your hypes in one home page.
   9.  Pentium wise; pen and paper foolish.
  10.  The modem is the message.
  11.  Too many clicks spoil the browse.
  12.  The geek shall inherit the earth.
  13.  A chat has nine lives.
  14.  Don't byte off more than you can view.
  15.  Fax is stranger than fiction.
  16.  What boots up must come down.
  17.  Windows will never cease.
  18.  In Gates we trust (and our tender is legal).
  19.  Virtual reality is its own reward.
  20.  Modulation in all things.
  21.  A user and his leisure time are soon parted.
  22.  There's no place like http://www.home.com
  23.  Know what to expect before you connect.
  24.  Oh, what a tangled website we weave when first we practice.
  25.  Speed thrills.
  26.  Give a man a fish and you feed him for a day; teach him to
       use the Net and he won't bother you for weeks.

------------------------------

Date:    Sat, 21 Mar 1998 09:59:31 -0600
From:    Ed Lambert <elambert@IX.NETCOM.COM>
Subject: In The News - Humorous News Quips

In The News - Edited Excerpts from the LA Times
Includes some late night humor

WARNING - May be offensive to American politicians, Woody, OJ, airline
baggage handelers. Includes a reference to illegal drug use.

Well, let's see what's going on with President Clinton, or as they're
calling him in Washington, the Unagroper. (Leno)

Kathleen Willey said that after the president kissed and groped her,
she asked him, "Aren't you afraid someone's going to walk in here?"
Clinton said, "No, I gave Moinica the rest of the day off." (Leno)

No matter whether you believe Willey or Clinton, it's going to come
down to a case of he said, she said, she said, she said. (Leno)

In a jab at Clinton, the Rev. Jerry Falwell noted that he's never been
alone with any woman except his wife and daughter. Big deal, Woody
Allen can say the same thing. (Leno)

Sgt. Major Gene McKinney was acquitted of sexual harassment charges. If
it's good enough for the commander in chief, it's good enough for the
troops. (Leno)

Text for Clinton's next 50 speeches: I did not lie, I did not have
sexual relations with (insert name here).

Astronomers now say a milewide asteroid will not come as close to the
Earth in 2028 as previously believed. Pot smokers are deeply bummed.
They heard there was a chance the whole world would get stoned.

The mayor of Acteal, Mexico, was arrested in connection with the
Chiapas massacre and the outgoing mayor of Darby, Pa. was booked on
suspicion of bank robbery. Man, I remember the good old days when
mayors just smoked crack! (Cutler Daily Scoop)

Mao Tse-tung's preserved corpse is once again on display in China's
Tianamen Square. These people really need to get cable.

In a recent interview, OJ Simpson said he loves coming to New York
because he gets a warm reception. If he thinks he gets a warm reception
in New York, wait 'till he gets to his final destination... (Letterman)

OJ says he's taking several law courses in the hopes of becoming a
lawyer. Becoming a lawyer could save him millions on his next murder.

French scientists say they have cloned a female calf. Next they hope to
clone a thigh.

California rescinded a decades old policy requiring billingual
education. The move prompted Taco Bell to replace its talking chihuahua
with an old English sheep dog.

There's talk of a movie about Bobbi McCaughey, the mother of the
septuplets. It will be the story of how she gave birth. I think it will
be called "Scream 3." (Leno)

Soon Yi is rumored to be pregnant with what would be her first baby
and, inevitably, Woddy Allen's fourth wife. (Comedy Central)

Pillsbury is reportedly updating its doughboy mascot to better reflect
the 90's. Now, when someone presses his tummy, he sues them for sexual
harassment. (O'Brien)

El Al Airlines offers an $85 "flight to nowhere" that takes off,
cruises around for sevreal hours, then returns to the same airport.
Oddly, 38% of the luggage still gets routed to the wrong city.

Internal memos show that RJ Reynolds aimed tobacco products at kids.
Among the test marketed flops: Cough-On-Me Elmo, Cigarette-Butt Barbie,
GI Joe's buddy GI Phlegm, and Bubble Yum Chewing Tobacco.

The San Francisco school board is considering a proposal to require 70%
of classroom reading materials to be written by "authors of color".
That would exclude Dickens, Shakespeare and Chaucer, but Dennis
Rodman's "Bad As I Wanna Be" would make the list.

The movie "Grease" is being rereleased. In it, John Travolta plays a
slick rock 'n' roller who has the hots for a young high school queen.
It's a role he's reprising in "Primary Colors".

Hollywood is trying to figure out if they can make a sequel to
"Titanic". They're going to have to be creative. Let's see... the
survivors are a professor, a movie star, a skipper, a millionaire and
his wife...

And finally, William Kelly, founder of the Kelly Temporary Agency, died
at age 97. His remains will go to an indefinite, long term assignment
in the ground.

Afterthought - Sign in a doctors office: Everything I know about
surgery, I learned from my lawyer.

------------------------------

Date:    Sat, 21 Mar 1998 11:07:20 -0500
From:    Terry Galan <galante@MCMAIL.CIS.MCMASTER.CA>
Subject: THE SMARTER SEX?

 A woman and a man are involved in a car accident but it's a bad one. Both
 of their cars are totally demolished but amazingly neither of them are
 hurt. After they  crawl out of  their cars, the woman says, "So you're a
 man, that's interesting. I'm a woman. Wow, just look at our cars! There's
 nothing left but fortunately we are unhurt. This must be a sign from God
 that we should meet and be friends and live together in  peace for the
 rest of our days." The man replied," I agree with you completely This
 must be a sign from God!

 The woman continued, "And look at  this, here's another miracle. My car
 is completely demolished but this bottle of  wine didn't break. Surely
 God wants us to drink this wine and celebrate our good fortune." Then she
 hands the bottle to the man. The man shakes his head in agreement, opens
 it and takes a few very large swigs from the bottle and then hands it
 back to the woman. The woman takes the bottle, immediately puts the cap
 back on, and hands it back to the man. The man asks, "Aren't you having
 any?" The woman replies, "No. I think I'll just wait for the police..."

------------------------------

Date:    Sat, 21 Mar 1998 12:19:34 EST
From:    Bill Edwards <EDWARDS_BILL@COLSTATE.EDU>
Subject: Fatuous questions & comments about contemporary life

Most of the following items are selected from:
http://www.accessatlanta.com/local/thevent

Are you ever the lucky one. When I get to the cash register, they
change cashiers and put a trainee on.

I live in such a low rent neighborhood that one particularly
prestigious bumper sticker reads: My boy is a model prisoner at West
Central Correctional.

If Linda Tripp loses her job at the Pentagon, maybe the Republican
National Committee could hire her to bug telephone and hotel room at
the next Democratic convention.

So Leonardo DiCaprio didn't get an Oscar nomination. Get over it,
ladies. The award is for best actor, not cutest!

I'd rather be reading about the Marines mopping up Saddam than
listening to all the crap about Clinton's love life.

I'm surprised that in a place like Hope they don't teach a thing
called trust.

Mother Nature gave me such a short neck that I have two chins to make
up for it.

I grow carnations, and when they bloom each spring I call it
reincarnation.

I have a complaint about the Better Business Bureau. To whom would I
report that?

There are so many good sales with such great savings right now, I'm
going to save myself right into bankruptcy.

I agree, we should purge the troublesome "ph" from the English
language, and replace it with "f." Then words like fotograf, fone,
and fonics will be fonetically correct.

------------------------------

Date:    Sat, 21 Mar 1998 20:14:28 +0200
From:    Mohamed El-Nadi <mnadi@USA.NET>
Subject: Deadly Sex

An 80-year-old millionaire becomes engaged to a beautiful 22-year-old
model. He goes to his doctor for a checkup a couple of weeks before the
wedding date. The doctor looks him over and says, "Bill, you seem
completely healthy but I must tell you one thing."

"What's that?", asks the millionaire.

"At your age, sex can be dangerous, and you need to watch it, take care
it could be really deadly" the doctor replies.

Bill thinks for a minute and then says, "What the hell, if she dies she
dies."


http://www.geocities.com/BourbonStreet/4267/

------------------------------

Date:    Sat, 21 Mar 1998 15:57:40 -0800
From:    "Dr. L. A. Wilson" <Allen_Wilson@BC.SYMPATICO.CA>
Subject: Police Radar - true

Police in Britain using a radar gun noted a reading of more than 300 mph,
just before their equipment fried. Seconds later a low-flying Harrier jet
hurtled past. The police complained to the Royal Air Force about the
damage to their equipment, but the police were told to consider themselves
lucky. The Harrier's target-seeker had locked onto the radar and triggered
an automatic retaliatory air-to-surface attack. Fortunately for the
police, the Harrier was not armed with missiles.

------------------------------

Date:    Sat, 21 Mar 1998 21:53:52 EST
From:    CHARITY D CRENSHAW <charity.com1@JUNO.COM>
Subject: More Men  Jokes <men may be offended>

MAN: "What would you say if I asked you to marry me?"
WOMAN: "Nothing. I can't laugh and talk at the same time".


How does a man make sex more interesting?
            He leaves town.


What does it mean to come home to a man who will give you some love and
tenderness?
                You're in the wrong house.


How can you tell if a man is lying?
          His lips are moving.



Why did the stupid man throw away his toilet brush?
             He discovered toilet paper.

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End of HUMOR Digest - 21 Mar 1998 to 22 Mar 1998
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