HUMOR Digest - 20 Mar 1998 to 21 Mar 1998
There are 13 messages totalling 614 lines in this issue.

Topics of the day:

  1. Take my Wife... Please ! <innuendo>
  2. Technology: Workplace Rules and Guidlines PT. 1
  3. Masculinity Test
  4. guide to successful dating <some sexual content>
  5. Neat T (2)
  6. Humor: True story....clean
  7. Flippant questions & comments about contemporary life
  8. 2 funny anecdotes
  9. "Men"   <probably offensive to most men>
 10. ON THE DEVOLUTION OF HUMOR
 11. Nova
 12. Frank Buck (A Long Pun)

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Date:    Fri, 20 Mar 1998 03:13:49 -0500
From:    Jim Moore Jr <jimjr@QIS.NET>
Subject: Take my Wife... Please ! <innuendo>

* One fellow really thought his marriage was secure.  But a
  week or so after he moved to Dallas from Kansas City, he
  noticed he had the same mailman and newspaperman.
                                - - - - -

* I've tried to tell Mrs JimJr that a husband is like a fine
  wine -- he gets better with age.  Since then, all she wants
  to do is lock me in the cellar.
                                - - - - -

* Mrs JimJr and I follow that old rule that you should never go
  to bed mad.  Last month neither of us got much sleep at all.
                                - - - - -

* All in all we have a pretty good marriage though.  I don't
  try to run her life, and I don't try to run mine.
                                - - - - -

* Most marriages are happy, no matter what anyone tries to tell
  ya.  It's living together afterwards that's the rough part.
                                - - - - -

* They say it's bad luck for the Groom to see the Bride before
  the ceremony.  What they don't tell ya, is that it's also bad
  luck to see her anytime within the next 30 years too.
                                - - - - -

*   A young wife & her husband were sitting in the gynecologist's
  office.  The wife told the doctor that she was pregnant.
    "How many times have you missed ?" the Doctor asked.
    "Not one damn night Doctor.  Not one !" boasted the husband.
                                - - - - -

* Mrs JimJr told me the other week that she's given me the best
  years of her life.  Tell ya what -- I don't even wantta think
  about what's ahead.


www.qis.net/~jimjr  ("QIS.NET")
www.geocities.com/BourbonStreet/6293

------------------------------

Date:    Fri, 20 Mar 1998 04:51:04 -0500
From:    Lee Vermont <lvermont@UWIMONA.EDU.JM>
Subject: Technology: Workplace Rules and Guidlines PT. 1

Put a chair facing a printer, sit there all day and tell people you're
waiting for your document.

Arrive at a meeting late, say you're sorry, but you didn't have time
for lunch, and you're going to be nibbling during the meeting. During
the meeting eat 5 entire raw potatoes.

Insist that your e-mail address be
"zena_goddess_of_fire@companyname.com"  or
"thor_god_of_thunder@companyname.com"

Every time someone asks you to do something, ask them to sign a waiver.

Every time someone asks you to do something, ask them if they want
fries with that.

Send email to yourself engaging yourself in an intelligent debate about
the direction of one of your company's products. Forward the mail to a
co-worker and ask her to settle the disagreement.

Page yourself over the intercom. (Don't disguise your voice.)

Name all your pens and insist that meetings can't begin until they're
all present.

Come to work in your pajamas.

Put a picture of your mother on your business card.

Find out where your boss shops and buy exactly the same outfits. Always
wear them one day after your boss does. (This is especially effective if
your boss is a different gender than you are.)

Make up nicknames for all your coworkers and refer to them only by
these names. "That's a good point Sparky." "No I'm sorry I'm going to
have to disagree with you there, Chachi."

Suggest that beer be put in the soda machine.

Include a piece of your children's artwork as a cover page for all
reports that you write. (If you don't have children, draw stick figures
yourself.)

Schedule meetings for 4:14 pm.

Encourage your colleagues to join you in a little synchronized chair
dancing.

Agree to organize the company Christmas party. Hold it at McDonald's
Playland. Charge everyone $15 each.

Send email to the rest of the company telling them what you're doing.
For example "If anyone needs me I'll be in the bathroom."

No matter what anyone asks you, reply "Okay."

Put your garbage can on your desk. Label it "IN."

Grow mold in your coffee cup.

Build models of the Seven Wonders of the World using empty soda cans.

------------------------------

Date:    Fri, 20 Mar 1998 07:11:01 -0500
From:    Terry Galan <galante@MCMAIL.CIS.MCMASTER.CA>
Subject: Masculinity Test

            HERE'S A QUICK QUIZ FOR THE "GENTLE"MEN....

 1. In the company of feminists, coitus should be referred to as:
    a)    Lovemaking
    b)    Screwing
    c)    The pigskin bus pulling into tuna town

 2. You should make love to a woman for the first time only after you've
    both shared:
    a) Your views about what you expect from a sexual relationship
    b) Your blood-test results
    c) Five tequila slammers

 3. You time your orgasm so that:
    a) Your partner climaxes first
    b) You both climax simultaneously
    c) You don't miss SportsCenter

 4. Passionate, spontaneous sex on the kitchen floor is:
    a) Healthy, creative love-play
    b) Not the sort of thing your wife/girlfriend would ever agree to
    c) Not the sort of thing your wife/girlfriend need ever find out about

 5. Spending the whole night cuddling a woman you've just had sex with is:
    a) The best part of the experience
    b) The second best part of the experience
    c) $100 extra

 6. Your girlfriend says she's gained five pounds in weight in the last
    month. You tell her that it is:
    a) No concern of yours
    b) Not a problem - she can join your gym
    c) A conservative estimate

 7. You think today's sensitive, caring man is:
    a) A myth
    b) An oxymoron
    c) A moron

 8. Foreplay is to sex as:
    a) Appetiser is to entree
    b) Priming is to painting
    c) A queue is to an amusement park ride

  9. Which of the following are you most likely to find yourself saying at
     the end of a relationship?
    a) "I hope we can still be friends."
    b) "I'm not in right now. Please leave a message after the tone...."
    c) "Welcome to Dumpsville. Population: You."

 10. A woman who is uncomfortable watching you masturbate:
    a) Probably needs a little more time before she can cope with that
       sort of intimacy
    b) Is uptight and a waste of time
    c) Shouldn't have sat next to you on the bus in the first place


 If you answered 'A' more than 7 times, check your pants to make sure you
 really are a man.

 If you answered 'B' more than 7 times, check into therapy, you're still a
 little confused.

 If you answered 'C' more than 7 times, call me up. Let's go drinking.

------------------------------

Date:    Fri, 20 Mar 1998 15:05:37 +0200
From:    Soni Satish * Datavia <SatishSo@TRANSNET.CO.ZA>
Subject: guide to successful dating <some sexual content>

The trick to sucessful dating is learning how to interpret the hidden
signs, those tiny giveaway gestures that can tell you so much about a
person. Train yourself to recognize - and decode - these key "signs."

 1. Woman won't unlock car door for man. - Doesn't engage in oral sex.
 2. Man gets in car without opening door for woman. - No foreplay.
 3. Can't hail a cab. - impotent.
 4. Insists on going to a brand new restaurant. - prefers virgins.
 5. Insists on going to a brand new restaurant but gets lost on the way. -
    Is a virgin.
 6. Insists on going to a romantic, candlelit restaurant. -
    Compulsive Don Juan.
 7. Insists in going to a homey little cafe with windmill motif. -
    Compulsive Don Quixote.
 8. Insists on going to a Polynesian bar. - Compulsive Don Ho.
 9. Wants to go to a French Restaurant. - will swallow.
10. Wants to go to a deli. - Won't swallow.
11. Uses Sweet n' Low. - Wearing falsies.
12. Takes too long deciding what to order. - Has trouble reaching orgasm.
13. Orders salad dressing on the side. - Will give you a hand job
    but will not go "all the way."
14. Gives explicit orders to waiter. - Will expect incredibly
    skillful gymnastics in bed.
15. Asks for extra rolls. - Will say she's using birth control when
    when she's not, will get pregnant and sue.
16. Insists on ordering for you, refering to you as "The lady will have..." -     Thinks you had an orgasm when you didn't.
17. Asks for "the usual" - Insists on missionary position only.
18. Asks what the specials are. - Will want you to use handcuffs.
19. Fills up on bread and crackers. - Premature ejaculator.
20. Doesn't finish everything on plate. - Has already come.
21. Insists on having some of whatever you ordered. - Will make you
    sleep on wet spot.
22. Changes mind after ordering. - Will never call you.
23. Changes tables. - Nyphomaniac.
24. Drinks decaf. - Fakes orgasms (female).
25. Orders in French. - Fakes orgasms (male).
26. Sends food back. - Will sleep with you, brag to all his friends,
    then try to borrow money.
27. Asks for detailed descriptions of desserts. - Needs you to talk
    dirty during sex.
28. Orders a dessert involving ladyfingers. - Wants a handjob.
29. Orders a dessert involving nuts. - Castrating bitch.
30. Wants to split dessert. - Is dying to get rid of her apartment,
    move in with you, rearrange all your closets, and take down all your
    baseball posters.
31. Credit card is refused. - Low sperm count.
32. Undertips waiter. - Small penis.
33. Undertips parking valet. - Small penis.
34. Undertips cabbie. - Small penis.
35. Uses toothpick. - Is trying to tell you size isn't everything.
36. Removable cassette player in car. - Pull outs repeatedly during sex.
37. Cellular phone in car.- Penile implant.

------------------------------

Date:    Fri, 20 Mar 1998 09:00:08 -0500
From:    Lee_Bradley <lbradley@GRITS.VALDOSTA.PEACHNET.EDU>
Subject: Neat T

This from a friend:

The other day, we had a bomb scare here in Rio Rancho, NM, at
the Giant gas station. Of course, the bomb squad had to be called
out to investigate, which in turn brought the news crews. In the
local paper the next day, there was a picture of a bomb squad
member, wearing a shirt that read:
     "I am a bomb technician. If you see me running, try to keep up!"

------------------------------

Date:    Fri, 20 Mar 1998 09:39:40 EST
From:    JD STONE <jstone@EMH1.LEAD.ARMY.MIL>
Subject: Humor: True story....clean

A 'friend' reminded me of this the other day.......

Back in 73' I bought a brand new 903 Z1 Kawasaki motorcycle. A 520
pound screamer.

It was a warm summer night and I was riding to a friends house.
As I pulled up at the traffic light beside a pretty young
thing driving a 69' Camaro convertible I smiled and said "Hi there,
nice car."
She broke out in hysterics as I fell over......I'd forgotten to put
my feet down.....I could hear her laughing for blocks as I crawled
out from under my bike.

------------------------------

Date:    Fri, 20 Mar 1998 10:30:54 EST
From:    Bill Edwards <EDWARDS_BILL@COLSTATE.EDU>
Subject: Flippant questions & comments about contemporary life

Rap music: The mother of all oxymorons.

My 14-year-old can't buy tobacco or alcohol, but he has no problem
whatsoever buying condoms.

Now that Bill Bennett, the pope of the Republican Party, has proposed
a sexual purity test for presidential candidates, the next campaign
could be more titillating than the Jerry Springer Show.

I'm one of those women who wears a ton of makeup and a Wonderbra and I
do it because I want the outside to look as good as the inside feels.

I think we Georgians need to help those people in California. All's
they need to stop those mudslides is a truckload of kudzu.

I just spent five minutes roaming through 99 channels and the only
thing I found worth watching was a Flintstones reruns.

I don't guess the previous write would consider reading a good book.

Who buys that nonalcoholic beer, anyway? People who don't want to get
high, but just like going to the toilet.

Is Kenneth Starr related to Ringo Starr?

When I die, no matter my accomplishments, please don't name a bridge,
overpass or intersection after me!

The brouhaha between Microsoft and the government could be called
Gatesgate.

Most of these items were selected from:
http//www.accessatlanta.com/local/thevent

------------------------------

Date:    Fri, 20 Mar 1998 10:46:27 -0500
From:    "Musat, Bob" <Bob.Musat@TRI-C.CC.OH.US>
Subject: Re: Neat T

speaking of bomb squads.....

a couple of days ago, Cleveland Hopkins International Airport was shut
down for two hours, due to the fact that 1) some guy had jumped the
security gates [blew past the metal detectors,] 2) skedaddled down the
concourse, and 3) security couldn't find him!

as it turns out, even after they brought in the dogs to try to sniff
this guy out, the authorities figured that two hours' worth of searching
was enough, and re-opened the airport!  no further incidents followed.

------------------------------

Date:    Fri, 20 Mar 1998 23:04:40 +0800
From:    Darren <chngch@SINGNET.COM.SG>
Subject: 2 funny anecdotes

captured from the web at
http://www.geocities.com/Heartland/Meadows/8036/campus.htm

			Auditorium Test
	 	   -----------------------
While taking a test at university, I felt lost in the back row of an
800-seat auditorium. How could our professor manage to monitor the full
room? I wondered. About ten minutes later I got the answer.
"You with the cap in the back row!" my professor barked, pointing to
the person next to me. "Let me see your eyes!"
As I looked up, I suddenly realized how our badly out-numbered
professor was able to function.  She was holding a pair of binoculars.
	- Page M. Baldwin from "Campus Comedy", Reader's Digest Dec 1997

			Labels ... labels
		      ----------------------

A Pharmacy Sophomore, I was taking a course in dispensing. One day we
were discussing the various labels affixed to prescription containers,
such as "Take with food" and "Take with water."
At the end of class, our professor passed out a few sample labels. Days
later I noticed that a classmate had struck one of them onto his chemistry
textbook. It read "Caution: may cause drowsiness."
	- Andrea McClelland from "Campus Comedy", Reader's Digest Dec 1997

------------------------------

Date:    Fri, 20 Mar 1998 15:04:22 EST
From:    CHARITY D CRENSHAW <charity.com1@JUNO.COM>
Subject: "Men"   <probably offensive to most men>

How do you find out what life is like without a man around?
                         Get married.

What do you call a man who tidies up after himself?
                 An over-achiever

What does a man really mean when he says he's separated from his wife?
  She's  at home with the children and I'm here, alone, with you.

------------------------------

Date:    Fri, 20 Mar 1998 18:13:49 -0500
From:    JIM MICA OFFICE OF ADMISSION ITHACA COLLEGE <JMICA@OA.ITHACA.EDU>
Subject: ON THE DEVOLUTION OF HUMOR

The Devolution of Humor  by Jim Mica


Once upon a time humor involved intelligent word play and called
upon the percipient to have a large vocabulary and imagination.

People produced elegant invectives like, "You son of a bachelor!"

Then the cultural milieu became more lax and vulgarisms were
introduced and thought to be quite witty.  Witness such oaths as
"Great swiving ducks!"

But, cheap humor began to drive out intelligent humor as
humorists tried to amuse the great unwashed.

Soon humor sank to the point were neo-humorists thought that it
was quite witty and telling to say things like: "Clinton is fat
and eats fast food."

This cheapening of humor continued apace until we have reached
the point were the following now suffices as a witty epigram:

"You killed Kenny, you bastards!"

Let us all hope for a renaissance.

------------------------------

Date:    Fri, 20 Mar 1998 18:12:53 -0600
From:    Les Pourciau at UMem <POURCIAU@LATTE.MEMPHIS.EDU>
Subject: Nova

Nova is the *best* salmon - from Nova Scotia - and is less salty and better
than lox.

        Scene: A Deli on Lexington Avenue in New York
        Customer: This salmon--is from a can?
        Waiter: What can! This salmon comes from Nova Scotia!
        Customer: Was it imported or deported?*

>From Leo Rosten's "Hooray for Yiddish"  p. 235.

------------------------------

Date:    Fri, 20 Mar 1998 17:22:46 -0800
From:    Stan Kegel <kegel@FEA.NET>
Subject: Frank Buck (A Long Pun)

Did you ever hear the one about Frank Buck? Frank Buck was the greatest
animal trapper that ever lived. He trapped animals for zoos, for
circuses, for sideshows, for almost anything. During his long career he
made quite a name for himself as the greatest animal trapper that ever
lived.

One day, like many men, Frank Buck reached the age of sixty-five and
decided to retire. So, our hero bought himself a little farm in
Louisville, Kentucky and settled down to live out his remaining years in
the peaceful surroundings of rural Louisville. Not quite. He had just
settled down and was sitting out on his back porch when the phone rang.
It was the San Diego Zoo. The zookeepers said to Frank Buck, "Mr. Buck?
This is the San Diego Zoo. We realize you've led a long and busy life,
and you deserve a peaceful retirement as much as any man on earth, but
there's this one unusual animal we need, and you're the only man we know
that can get it for us. It's a hornless rhinocerous." Well, Frank Buck
(being in retirement and all that) naturally argued a little, but
finally consented to get this hornless rhinocerous for the San Diego
Zoo. So, the next day he went down to his boat on the shore (this was
before the days of airplanes), sailed across choppy seas, and landed in
Africa, where he went a hackin' and a choppin', and a choppin' and a
hackin' through the jungles of Africa 'till he met Tarzan. Now Tarzan
was painting stripes. However, you couldn't tell whether they were white
stripes on a black zebra, black stripes on a white zebra, or black and
white stripes on a clear zebra. So Frank Buck went up to Tarzan and
said, "Tarzan, I hate to bother you while you're so busy, but there's
this one unusual animal I need. Would you happen to know the whereabouts
of a hornless rhinocerous?" Now Tarzan, being so busy and all that,
naturally was a little upset. But he put down his brush, pointed to a
bush, and said, "UGH!" And 'lo and behold, out walked this hornless
rhinocerous! So, Frank Buck captured the hornless rhinocerous, thanked
Tarzan (who had, by this time, gone back to painting the zebra), and
went a hackin' and a choppin', and a choppin' and a hackin' back through
the jungles of Africa, back down to his boat on the shore (this was
before the days of airplanes), sailed back across choppy seas, and
landed in America. The next day, he delivered the hornless rhinocerous
to the San Diego Zoo, and went back into retirement on his little farm
in Louisville, Kentucky.

Well, three days later Frank Buck was sitting out on his back porch when
the phone rang. This time it was the Chicago Zoo. The zookeepers at the
Chicago Zoo said, "Mr. Buck? This is the Chicago Zoo. We hate to bother
you, seeing as you're in retirement and all that, but there's this one
unusual animal we need and only you can get it for us. It's a
short-necked giraffe." Well, Frank Buck (being in retirement and all
that) naturally argued a little, but finally consented to get this
short-necked giraffe for the Chicago Zoo. So the next day, he went down
to his boat on the shore (this was before the days of airplanes), sailed
across choppy seas, and landed in Africa, where he went a hackin' and a
choppin' and a choppin' and a hackin' through the jungles of Africa
'till he met Tarzan. Now, Tarzan was painting stripes. However, you
couldn't tell whether they were black stripes on a white zebra, white
stripes on a black zebra, or black and white stripes on a clear zebra.
So, Frank Buck went up to Tarzan and said, "Tarzan, I hate to bother you
while you're so busy, but there's this one unusual animal I need. Would
you happen to know the whereabouts of a short-necked giraffe?" Now
Tarzan (being so busy and all that) naturally was a bit peeved, but he
put down his brush, pointed to a bush, and said, "UGH!" And 'lo and
behold, out walked this short necked giraffe! So Frank Buck captured the
short-necked giraffe, thanked Tarzan (who had, by this time, gone back
to painting stripes), and went a hackin' and a choppin', and a choppin'
and a hackin' back through the jungles of Africa, down to his boat on
the shore (this was before the days of airplanes), sailed across choppy
seas, and landed in America. The next day, he delivered the short-necked
giraffe to the Chicago Zoo and went back to retirement on his little
farm in Louisville, Kentucky.

Well, three days later, he was sitting out on the back porch when the
phone rang. This time it was the Smithsonian Zoo. The zookeepers said,
"Mr. Buck, we realize you're in retirement and all that, but there's
this one unusual animal we need, and only you can get it for us. It's a
trunkless elephant." Well, Frank Buck (being in retirement and all that)
naturally argued a little, but finally he consented to get this
trunkless elephant for the Smithsonian Zoo. So the next day, he went
down to his boat on the shore (This was before the days of airplanes),
sailed across choppy seas, and went a hackin' and a choppin', and a
choppin' and a hackin' through the jungles of Africa 'till he met
Tarzan. Now Tarzan was painting stripes. However, you couldn't tell if
they were black stripes on a white zebra, or white stripes on a black
zebra, or black and white stripes on a clear zebra. So Frank Buck went
up to Tarzan and said, "Tarzan, I hate to bother you while you're so
busy, but there's this one unusual animal I need. Would you happen to
know the whereabouts of a trunkless elephant?" Now Tarzan, totally
peeved, broke his brush over his knee, threw the brush into the bushes,
pointed to a bush and hollered,"UGH!" And, 'lo and behold, out walked
this trunkless elephant! So Frank Buck captured the trunkless elephant,
thanked Tarzan (who had by this time picked up a chipmunk and was
painting with its tail), went a hackin' and a choppin', and a choppin'
and a hackin' back through the jungles of Africa down to his boat on the
shore (this was before the days of airplanes), sailed across choppy
seas, and landed in America. The next day, he delivered the trunkless
elephant to the Smithsonian Zoo, and went back into retirement on his
little farm in Louisville, Kentucky.

Three days later, he was sitting on his back porch when the phone rang.
However, this time it was a wrong number. So the next day, Frank Buck
had his phone disconnected and lived happily ever after. Moral: ....
Tarzan stripes forever.

------------------------------

End of HUMOR Digest - 20 Mar 1998 to 21 Mar 1998
************************************************

