HUMOR Digest - 19 Mar 1998 to 20 Mar 1998
There are 15 messages totalling 638 lines in this issue.

Topics of the day:

  1. Animal Crackers (Puns)
  2. Women and Sex <adult humor>
  3. A Man and His Son !!!!
  4. Boss Has A Head Cold <bosses>
  5. Irish Joke - may (or may not) offend Irish
  6. Parlez-vous francais? <adult humor>
  7. Police Joke (clean)
  8. Clinton Joke <off. to pigs >
  9. Top Ten Signs You're Addicted To Caffeine. <not offensive>
 10. ABC's of Breakups--Girlfriends Pt. 2 <adult>
 11. Excuses for sleeping in your cubicle
 12. Humor - Al Nino Gets Blamed
 13. Cynical questions and comments about contemporary life
 14. Are you upset?<adult>
 15. The Race Horse (Pun)

----------------------------------------------------------------------

Date:    Wed, 18 Mar 1998 23:31:25 -0800
From:    Stan Kegel <kegel@FEA.NET>
Subject: Animal Crackers (Puns)

The Wildebeasts
Once upon a time, there lived in an African forest, two families off
amiiable, hardworking wildebeasts, who often enjoyed picnicing together.
However, each family had one yougn mischief-maker, though each mother
was convinced that her own little chilc was innocent and that the other
was the troublemaker. "You should punish that rascally brat of yours,"
shrilled one of the mothers finally. "A sound spanking might do him some
good." "Spank my son, indeed," huffed the other. "Why don't you .... go
paddle your own gnu?"

The Baby Gull
The young gull was an only child. He was well behaved and a delight to
his mother. The mother said to her infant. "As you have been so good,
would you like a brother" The small bird replied, .... "Oh Yes! One good
turn deserves another."

Elephant Memory
An elephant was drinking out of a river one day, when he spotted a
turtle asleep on a log. So, he ambled on over and kicked it clear across
the river. "What did you do that for?" Asked a passing giraffe. "Because
I recognized it as the same turtle that took a nip out of my trunk 53
years ago." "Wow, what a memory" commented the giraffe. "Yes," said the
elephant, .... "turtle recall".

South Africa
The zebra is a fitting national animal for South Africa .... They both
have Op-Art hide.

The Crane
The trustees of the Madrid Zoo heard that their were only 30 whooping
cranes left in the world and decided they must have one befor the breed
became extinct, The only zoo that had more than two pair and was willing
to let one go was the San Doego Zoo in the United States. Arrangements
were made to trade the cranes for a species of Wildebeast that the San
Dfiego Zoo did not have. The birds were dispached via air freight.
However, when they arrived at the Madrid Airport, it was very cold and
the birds refused to disembark. It was reported to the zoo director,
that .... the cranes in Spain stay mainly in the plane.

Rudolph's Surgery
Christmas was over. Santa and his reindeer finally had a chance to rest.
And they deserved it. They had done a good job. Rudolph had a chance to
do something he had wanted to do for a long time. He made an appointment
with a plastic surgeon because he was so sensitive about his looks.
However it wasn't his glowing probiscus that he wanted changed. He was
proud of his nose and the help he had given Santa because of it. No, he
was sensitive about his long ears which were much more prominant than
the ears of the average rain deer, or bear for that matter. So one week
after Christmas, he let the good doctor do the pinna reconstructive
surgery procedure, and since that time, January 1st has been celebrated
as .... New Ears Day.

------------------------------

Date:    Thu, 19 Mar 1998 03:07:22 -0500
From:    Jim Moore Jr <jimjr@QIS.NET>
Subject: Women and Sex <adult humor>

* A niece was discussing sex appeal with her Aunt.  Even well
  into her forties, the woman was hardly ever without a date.
  The Aunt sat back in her chair and said, "Now listen Honey,
  just remember one thing.  Sex appeal is 40% what ya got,
  and 60% of what men think you've got."
                                - - - - -

* Two Yuppettes were discussing the morals of their generation.
  The one said, "There's just so much permissiveness these days,
  I guess the only way to avoid sex at all is to get married."
                                - - - - -

*   An American in Paris goes to the Left Bank for some fun and
  games. He asks one of the girls, "How about American Express?"
    She answers, "I'll do it as fast as I can, Monsieur."
                                - - - - -

*   The couple had met at the Shady Rest Retirement Home.  Even
  though they were in their 90's, they decided to get married.
    On the first night of the honeymoon, they got into bed and
  held hands until they both fell fast asleep.
    On the next night, they squeezed hands again & both drifted
  off into contented, peaceful slumber.
    On the third night, the husband reaches for his new bride's
  hand.  She said, "Not tonite please Frank, I have a headache."
                                - - - - -

*   The Mother was concerned that perhaps her daughter was not
  only not quite as chaste as she should be, but lately, didn't
  even seem to be selective.  Trying to open a conversation on
  the subject of morals she asked, "Susan, do you know where
  bad girls go ?"
    "Sure Mom." the daughter replied. "Anywhere they want !"


www.qis.net/~jimjr  ("QIS.NET")
www.geocities.com/BourbonStreet/6293

------------------------------

Date:    Thu, 19 Mar 1998 07:14:59 -0500
From:    Terry Galan <galante@MCMAIL.CIS.MCMASTER.CA>
Subject: A Man and His Son !!!!

 A man and his young son are in the drugstore when the son comes across
 the condoms and asks his father what they are. The dad replies, "Well
 son, those are condoms and they're for protection when you're having
 sex." The son then picks up one of the packs and asks why it has three in
 it. The dad replies, "Those are for high school boys. One for Friday, one
 for Saturday, and one for Sunday." The son then picks up one with six
 condoms asks, "Why six?" The dad replies, "Well son, those are for
 college men. Two for Friday, two for Saturday and two for Sunday." The
 son then notices the 12 pack of condoms and asks the same > question. The
 dad replies, "Son, those are for married men. One for January, one for
 February, one for March...."

------------------------------

Date:    Thu, 19 Mar 1998 07:04:55 -0600
From:    Joe Hickman <comedy@FLASH.NET>
Subject: Boss Has A Head Cold <bosses>

 Signs your boss has a head cold:
    - He has a Kleenex hanging from each nostril.
    - He can sneeze and whine simultaneously.
    - He keeps wondering out loud if he's got the chicken flu.
    - He looks like a basset hound with pink eye.
    - Every time he sneezes, people hit the deck.
    - He keeps asking if you think he should go to the emergency room.
    - He shows everybody his Robitussin flask.
    - His secretary keeps whining about his whining.
    - He keeps rubbing Mentholatum on his bald spot.
    - The staff votes unanimously to tell him if he comes to work
tomorrow he's getting a gang enema.
			

From Ha! at http://www.flash.net/~comedy

------------------------------

Date:    Thu, 19 Mar 1998 08:20:03 -0600
From:    "Rowe, Thomas" <trowe@UWSP.EDU>
Subject: Irish Joke - may (or may not) offend Irish

Seems this Irishman (1) walked (unsteadily) into a pub, went to the bar, sat
on a stool and ordered a whiskey.  The man sitting next to him (2) started
this conversation.

2: "Telll me sor.  Are ye by any chance from the olde sod?"
1: "Yes; yes I am."
2: "I knew it - I can spot an authentic brogue anywhere!  I'm from Eire
    too."
1: "Ye don't say!  Well, pleased to make your aquaintence.  Barkeep!  Bring
    us another, and one for me new friend here."

After a bit of chat

2: "And, and what part of Ireland are ye from?"
1: "Ah, well, from Dublin."
2: "Dublin!  Saints be praised!  I'm from Dublin Meself."
1:  Bleary incredulence.  "No."
2: "Yes.  Barkeep.  Two more here and I'm buyin' the round."

And a bit later

2: "Where then in Dublin, me lad?"
1: "Kilkenney Street.  Ah, many a fond memory I have..."
2: "Why, why.. I was born on Kilkenney Street.  We could 'a been neighbors."
1: "No!  This is amazin'. Barkeep!  Another for me and my friend.  And a
    round for all the Irish in the place!"

1: "Ye got to tell me.  Who was your mother and da?"
2: Choking back tears.  "Mary was me mum's name.  She died just a wee while
   back now."
1: Breaking up himself "Oh, ye poor lad.  My own Sainted mother's name was
   Mary and she too passed on."

About then the phone rang and the bartender answered it.  "Yeah, how you
doin' Jack?.... Uhuh...... Yeah, same old, same old.  The wife's mad at me
again about somethin', don't know what; still having problems with that new
delivery guy for the draft.  And, oh yeah, the Murphy twins are soused
again."

------------------------------

Date:    Thu, 19 Mar 1998 09:15:21 -0500
From:    Lee_Bradley <lbradley@GRITS.VALDOSTA.PEACHNET.EDU>
Subject: Parlez-vous francais? <adult humor>

A Texan is visiting Paris, and in the middle of a hot afternoon, after
drinking liters and liters of water, he feels the call of nature.  He just
happens to be in the Tuileries Garden and goes over to the "urinoir." a
brick walll with a small gutter at its base.

He whips it out and is immediately joined by a small Frenchman who is not
shy at all about ogling the Texan's plumbing.  The Texan doesn't cotton
much to queers, so he gives the guy a push on the shoulder and warns:
"Say, Bo!"

The Frenchman responds: "C'est beau?  O, non, monsieur, c'est MAGNIFIQUE!"

------------------------------

Date:    Thu, 19 Mar 1998 09:19:12 -0800
From:    Susan Birkenseer <sbirkens@WAHOO.SJSU.EDU>
Subject: Police Joke (clean)

   A man is driving home late one afternoon, well above the speed limit.
He notices a police car with its red lights on in his rear view mirror.
He thinks, "I can outrun this guy!" so he floors it, and the race is on.
   The cars are racing down the highway -- 60, 70, 80, 90 miles an
hour  Finally, as his speedometer passes 100, the guy figures, "What the
heck..." and gives up. He pulls over to the curb.
   The police officer gets out of his cruiser and approaches the car.
He leans down and says, "Listen Mister, I've had a really lousy day,
and I just want to go home. Give me a good excuse and I'll let you go."
   The man thought for a moment and said, "Three weeks ago, my wife
ran off with a police officer. When I saw your cruiser in my rear view
mirror, I thought you were trying to give her back to me!"

------------------------------

Date:    Thu, 19 Mar 1998 09:17:37 -0500
From:    Barcillo <barcillo@GU.PRO.EC>
Subject: Clinton Joke <off. to pigs >

 Bill Clinton and his driver were cruising along a country road one
night when all of a sudden they hit a pig, killing it instantly. Bill told
his driver to go up to the farm house and explain to the owners what had
happened.

About 1 hour later Bill sees his driver staggering back to the car
with a  bottle of wine in one hand, a cigar in the other and his clothes
all ripped and torn.

"What happened to you", asked Bill.

Well, the Farmer gave me the wine, his wife gave me the Cigar and his 19    year old daughter made mad passionate love to me.

"My God, what did you tell them", asks Clinton.

The driver replies, "I'm Bill Clinton's driver, and I just killed the pig".


http://www.geocities.com/NapaValley/1155/index.html

------------------------------

Date:    Thu, 19 Mar 1998 18:56:39 EST
From:    CHARITY D CRENSHAW <charity.com1@JUNO.COM>
Subject: Top Ten Signs You're Addicted To Caffeine. <not offensive>

1. Haven't slept since the Johnson Administration.

2. Your neighbors often call to complain about the sound of  your
   chattering teeth.

3. Instead of Tic Tacs you suck on No Doz.

4. You named your twins "Cappuccino" and "Espresso".

5. On the way to work you get pulled over for speeding, and you don't
   even own a car.

6. You kill a guy for trying to switch your regular coffee with Folgers
   Crystals.

7. You wake up in the middle of the night screaming,"Coffee! For the love
   of God I need coffee!"

8. When a Maxwell House commercial comes on you actually lick the T.V.
   screen.

9. You drink so much coffee it starts coming out of your ears.

10. You're shaking like Michael Jackson on his wedding night.

------------------------------

Date:    Thu, 19 Mar 1998 18:00:28 -0600
From:    "Grant C. Anderson" <robschool@NWU.EDU>
Subject: ABC's of Breakups--Girlfriends Pt. 2 <adult>

N stands for Necropheliac. She didn't move very much, did she?

O is for On top. When on top she has another O word.

P is for Pill. She said she was on it. She lied. She is now sueing
you for a few hundred bucks a month.

Q is for Quitter. She couldn't last.

R is for Rich little Bitch. She bought my love but I paid for it.

S stands for Stab. Stabbing would be fun.

S is also for Steve. Steve was the guy that was sleeping with her.
Steve is a bad person. Perhaps you should stab Steve.

T is for torture. Torture is what she did. She tortured you with the
truth. She also tortured you with lies. She even tortured you with
whips and hand- cuffs.

U is for Understatement. Saying you hate that fucking bitch is an
understatement.

V is for Voluptuous. That is the primamry reason you were dating her
in the first place.

W stands for Wine. Wine is expensive. She loved wine. She got drunk
awfully slow though. After too much wine she liked to fuck. But after
too much of it she puked; that is, from the wine. Not the activity.

X is for Xylophone. Because X is always for xylophone.

Y stands for You suck! Remember when she yelled that at you.

(I HAVE NO IDEA WHAT HAPPENED TO Z)

. stands for period. Which is a couple of weeks late, because she
  lied to you about taking what P stands for. It also means you won't
  get any for a week.

------------------------------

Date:    Thu, 19 Mar 1998 18:07:58 -0600
From:    Jennifer Walker <jkwalker@TENET.EDU>
Subject: Excuses for sleeping in your cubicle

This was sent to me from a friend.  Author unknown.

Best excuses if you get caught sleeping in your cubicle
 --------------------------------------------

*It's okay...I'm still billing the client.

*"They told me at the blood bank this might happen."

*This is just a 15 minute power-nap like they raved about in the last
 time management course you sent me to.

*I was working smarter, not harder.

*"Whew! Guess I left the top off the liquid paper"

*"I wasn't sleeping! I was meditating on the mission statement and
  envisioning a new paradigm!"

*This is one of the seven habits of highly effective people !

*I was testing the keyboard for drool resistance

*I'm in the management training program

*Actually doing a "Stress Level Elimination Exercise Plan" (SLEEP) you
  learned at the last mandatory seminar your boss made you attend.

*This is in exchange for the six hours last night when I dreamed about
  work!

*"I was doing a highly specific Yoga exercise to relieve work-related
   stress.

*Are you discriminatory towards people who practice Yoga?"

*Damn! Why did you interrupt me? I had almost figured out a solution to
  our biggest problem.

*The coffee machine is broke....

*Someone must've put decaf in the wrong pot.

*Boy, that cold medicine I took last night just won't wear off!

*It worked well for Reagan, didn't it?

*I was cross-training for telecommuting. (Next, I watch the Walton's)

*Ah, the unique and unpredictable circadian rhythms of the workaholic!

*Wasn't sleeping. Was trying to pick up contact lens without hands.

*The mailman flipped out and took out a gun so I was playing dead to
 avoid getting shot.

*I thought you (boss) were gone for the day.

------------------------------

Date:    Thu, 19 Mar 1998 19:26:19 -0600
From:    "Ken Brousseau Sr." <kenbruso@IO.COM>
Subject: Humor - Al Nino Gets Blamed

By Buck Wolf, ABC News:

El Nino has been blamed for a lot of bad weather. And so has a 74-year-old
retired Navy seaman named Al Nino. In the middle of the night, angry
callers ring Nino's home, apparently thinking the Nipomo, Calif., man is
responsible for the El Ni=F1o weather phenomenon that has wreaked deadly
flooding and snow storms across the country this winter.People ask, "Why
are you making it rain?" "They're crazy," Nino said." I try to be nice. But
I don't know why they would think the weather would have a telephone
number".

 As the storms have worsened, Nino's phone began ringing. He thinks he's
had about 50 calls since December. "I usually joke around with them a bit,"
he said. "But if they are rude, I tell them I'll bring more bad weather."

 Nino said he was awakened at 2 a.m. recently by an enraged, foul-mouthed
woman complaining about the weather. The retired Navy man replied in
suitable nautical language and hung up.

 Another man held him responsible for his daughter losing her virginity
because she was unable to get home one night after a storm. "I said I was
sorry,although I assured him I didn't have anything to do with it.

 P.S.: Nino tries to be an optimist and refuses to change his number. Just
like the storms, he said, "it will all blow over."

------------------------------

Date:    Thu, 19 Mar 1998 21:28:58 EST
From:    Bill Edwards <EDWARDS_BILL@COLSTATE.EDU>
Subject: Cynical questions and comments about contemporary life

My son has been married three times. By the third time he had learned
a lot. He remarried his first wife.

I almost had a psychic girlfriend, but she left me before we met.

I went to the barber about 10 years ago and had a little cut off the
top and it never grew back.

My wife is like a lawn mower. I just pull her cord and off she goes.

Keeneth Starr called James McDougal a fine Southern gentleman. This
is the guy Starr wanted to indict on 84 counts. Is he a gentleman
just because he turned around and started to testify against Clinton.

Hey, Delta, why don't I get sky miles for circling Hartsfield?

I always look for jobs that have drug testing because I studied.

Why don't all the lonely people just meet somewhere?

Why are my Republican friends so disappointed by good economic news
and so happy about the President's troubles with girls?

So much classroom time is spent on parenting that should be done at
home that there isn't enough time left for academics.

I heard that chances are pretty high that if your parents don't have
any children, then you probably won't either.

If the House is going to hold impeachment hearings, Congress should
sell the television rights. Not only will we be able to pay off
Kenneth Starr's bills, but I bet we'd make enough money to save
Social Security for the next twenty-five years.

Most of these items were selected from the AJC's column the Vent.
http://www.accessatlanta.com/local/thevent

------------------------------

Date:    Fri, 20 Mar 1998 09:41:04 -0500
From:    Chalapathi Rao Poduri <chaps@TC4HQ.CMC.STPH.NET>
Subject: Are you upset?<adult>

A small balding man storms into a local bar and demands
"Gimme a double of the strongest whiskey you got! I'm so pissed I can't
even see straight!"

The bartender, noticing that the little man is a bit
the worse for wear, pours him a DOUBLE of Southern Comfort.

The man swills down the drink and says, "Gimme another
ONE!". The bartender pours the drink, but says "Now, before I
give you this,  why don't you let off a little steam and tell me
WHY you're so upset?"

So the man begins his tale:
"Well, I was sitting in the bar next door when this
gorgeous blonde slinks in, and actually sits beside ME at the bar.  I
thought WOW, this has never happened before.  You know, it was kind of a
fantasy come TRUE.  Well, a couple of minutes later I feel this hand
moving around  in my lap and the blonde leans over, licks my ear, and
asks if I'm INTERESTED?  I couldn't believe this was happening! I
managed to nod my head YES, so she grabs my hand, and starts walking out
of the bar.  So of course I went with her. This was just too good to
be true!"

"She took me down the street here to a nice hotel and
up to her room. As soon as she shut the door she slips out of her
dress.  That was all she was wearing! I tell you it didn't take me much
longer to get out of my clothes!  But as soon as I jumped into the bed, I
hear some keys jingling, and SOMEONE starts fumbling with the door."

"The blonde says 'Oh my god, it's my BOYFRIEND.  He
must have lost his WRESTLING match tonight, he's gonna be REAL MAD!
Quick, HIDE!'"

"So, I opened at the CLOSET, but I figured that was
probably the FIRST place he would look, so I didn't hide there.  Then I
looked under the  bed, but no, I figured he's bound to look there,
TOO.  By now I could  hear the key in the lock. I noticed the window
was open, so I climbed  out and was hanging there by my FINGERS praying
that the guy WOULDN'T  see me."

The bartender says "Well I can see how you might be a BIT FRUSTRATED at
this point."

"Well, yeah, but I hear the guy finally get the door open and he yells
 out 'Who you been sleeping with now, bitch?'

The girl says 'Nobody, honey, now come to bed and calm down.'
Well the guy starts TEARING up the room.  I hear him tear the door off
the closet and throw it across the room.

I'm thinking 'Boy,  I'm glad I didn't hide in there.'
Then I hear him lift up the bed and throw it across the room.  Good
thing I didn't hide under there either.

Then I heard him say 'What's that over there by the WINDOW?'
I think 'Oh Shit, I'm dead meat now'.  But the blonde by now is
trying  real hard to distract him and convince him to stop looking."

"Well, I hear the guy go into the bathroom, and I hear water running
for a long time, and I figure maybe he's gonna take a bath or something,
when all of asudden the asshole pours a pitcher of scalding HOT WATER
out of the window right on top of my head!  I mean look at this, I got
second degree burns all over my scalp and shoulders!"

The bartender says, "Oh man, that would have pissed me off for SURE."
"No, that didn't really BOTHER me.  Next the guy starts slamming the
window shut over and over on my hands.  I mean, look at my fingers.
They're a bloody mess, I can hardly hold onto this glass."

The bartender looks at the guy's hands and says "Yeah, buddy, I can
understand why you are so UPSET."

"No, that WASN'T what really pissed me off."
The bartender then asks in exasperation, "Well, then, what DID finally
piss you off?"

"Well I was hanging there, and I turned around and looked down, and
I  WAS ONLY ABOUT 6 INCHES OFF THE GROUND!"

------------------------------

Date:    Thu, 19 Mar 1998 22:38:24 -0800
From:    Stan Kegel <kegel@FEA.NET>
Subject: The Race Horse (Pun)

This Kentucky horse breeder had a filly that won every race in which she
was entered. But as she got older she became very tempermental. He soon
found that when he raced her in the evening, she would win handily, but
when she raised during the day she would come in dead last. He consulted
the top veteranarians and horse psychologists to no avail. He finally
had to give up because it had become ... a real night mare.

(Thanks to Piers Anthony for the idea for this pun)

------------------------------

End of HUMOR Digest - 19 Mar 1998 to 20 Mar 1998
************************************************

