HUMOR Digest - 18 Mar 1998 to 19 Mar 1998
There are 15 messages totalling 723 lines in this issue.

Topics of the day:

  1. The USA at Peace (?)
  2. The Porcine Association (Pun)
  3. Topical Jokes (some adult themes)
  4. The Real Meaning of Guyspeak
  5. <HUMOR> I Was just looking for a cookie or two
  6. Humor - Stupid Criminal Story #8
  7. What about Sadaam?
  8. The world's smartest gorilla
  9. Paying respect <risque>
 10. Humor-The Singing Fish
 11. "Antifreeze"<adult, true>
 12. ABC's of breakups Pt. 2--Girlfriends Pt.1 <adult>
 13. A cloudbust of comments & questions about contemporary life
 14. Surd-Times : The Hunt <clean>
 15. no leg puns (f-word)

----------------------------------------------------------------------

Date:    Wed, 18 Mar 1998 03:31:05 -0500
From:    Jim Moore Jr <jimjr@QIS.NET>
Subject: The USA at Peace (?)

* With all the turmoil in the Middle East, the uncertainty with
  Iraq, as well as the continuing unrest in those countries which
  once made up the USSR, it does my heart good to see letters to
  both Dear Abby and Ms Manners from people whose most pressing
  concern is the proper response to a gift.
                                - - - - -

* Personally, I felt a lot more safe and secure in 1953 when I had
  to fear was fear itself.
                                - - - - -

* Sometimes I wonder about West Point though.  Are they trying to
  build men capable of kicking butt world wide, or just Notre Dame's
  and Navy's in a football game ?
                                - - - - -

* Even the Drill Sergeants have a new prospective on things.  One
  was addressing his charges: "Look at y'all.  Ya hair ain't combed,
  ya uniforms aren't pressed, ya lines are all crooked.  Suppose war
  broke out now ?  Is this how y'all want to represent the USA ?"
                                - - - - -

* If push does come to shove with Iraq, this will be the first war
  ever fought over disarmament, if ya think about it.
                                - - - - -

*   Imagine trying to keep busy in the peace-time Navy.  One Seaman
  was asked by a Chief if he had swabbed the decks and polished all
  the brass.
    He replied, "Yes Sir.  And when I finished all that, I took out
  my binoculars and swept the horizon."
                                - - - - -

* Thank God for the Marines though.  In spite of Clinton's high-level
  appointees referring to them as "radicals", I just hope they haven't
  changed much.  I mean, just think what would happen if they landed
  on a beach somewhere, and they all broke out their sunblock.


www.qis.net/~jimjr  ("QIS.NET")
www.geocities.com/BourbonStreet/6293

------------------------------

Date:    Wed, 18 Mar 1998 00:13:56 -0800
From:    Stan Kegel <kegel@FEA.NET>
Subject: The Porcine Association (Pun)

Pig farmers have never done well in the United States. Most Americans
prefer beef to pork. Hamburger is an American favorite but contains no
ham. The porcine raisers were hopeful to see a significant increase in
their business after the scares about health over beef, but most of the
benefits had gone to the poultry and fish industries, Sale of ham and
bacon remained virtually unchanged. Because of this, The National
Porcine Association hired a major Madison Avenue advertising firm to
boost sale of pork products. They decided on an intensive campaign to
saturate magazines television and radio with ads urging people to eat
pork patties. The campaign was given an extra boost when Congress was
convinced to designate the second of February as the day when every
family would be urged to eat pork sausage. That day would be celebrated
nationally, of course, as .... Ground Hog Day.

------------------------------

Date:    Wed, 18 Mar 1998 07:22:22 +0000
From:    JBR Humor <jimr@POBOXES.COM>
Subject: Topical Jokes (some adult themes)

The Daily Monologue for March 18, 1998

Quote of the Day: Ed Bradley: "Was he [pause] aroused?"

Daily Nugget of Wisdom:
	Give a man a fish, and he has a meal
	Teach a man to fish And you get out of work around the house
	For a weekend, maybe two

American Family Publishers reached an agreement with 32 states to
change the way it promotes its contests, such as reserving use of the
term "winner" for contestants who have actually won. Contestants must
also find and place a special "I am a Moron" sticker on their entries
to help officials identify the gullible.

Are you watching "Moby Dick" with Star Trek's Patrick Stewart? There's
a few changes, like when Captain Ahab yells "Set harpoons to stun!"
and, of course, if a "bosun" you've never seen before leaves on an
"expedition party" -- D - E - A - D, dead!

Kathleen Willey's 60 minutes interview slam-dunked NCAA basketball in
the ratings. Coincidentally, with the personal foul on Ms. Willey,
President Clinton is now in a bonus situation with time running out.

The Dutch pharmaceutical company Organon has formulated a male
contraceptive pill. Now, the prototype must be tested on laboratory
rats, then Wilt Chamberlain.

James Brown must complete a 90-day drug treatment program after
illegally firing a rifle at his own home while under the influence of
alcohol or drugs. Have you seen JB's hair? I don't think he should be
doing anything that makes a spark within 100 feet of his head.

Lies!
El Hor=F1o Wreaks Havoc! -- El Hor=F1o, a massive basin of wet, warm
horniness just off the Pacific coast, has wreaked havoc on the United
States ... www.wirecom.com/jim/elhorno.htm

Al Gore has proposed an educational Internet channel which would show
the Earth against black space 24-hours a day, as seen from a new
micro-satellite. The idea came from a team of NASA scientists who were
assigned the challenge of inventing something that is more boring than
Al Gore himself.

Daily Verse:
Hollywood stars act like Lords
On the night of the Oscar awards
Someone get me some Beano
It's a hot air El Nino
When celebrities gather in hordes

Newly released statistics show that murders of current and former
spouses and lovers fell 38% since 1976. Sociologists attribute the
drop to the White House's quasi-official declaration that oral sex
does not count as adultery.

A Chicago tow truck driver hauled away a car with 85 year old Ruth
Wexler still sitting in it waiting for her son to run an errand.
Witnesses say the truck had "Kevorkian Towing Co." written on the side.

According to Bob Bennett, President Clinton's personal attrorney,
Kathryn Willey's lawyer is hawking a book. Tentative title: "Touched
by an A**hole.


Original Humor Content; Featuring the Daily Monologue of the Internet
http://www.wirecom.com/jim

------------------------------

Date:    Wed, 18 Mar 1998 07:30:01 -0500
From:    Terry Galan <galante@MCMAIL.CIS.MCMASTER.CA>
Subject: The Real Meaning of Guyspeak

 A quick reference guide to what guys really mean when they say
 something.....

 "I'm going fishing." Really means..."I'm going to drink myself
 dangerously stupid, and stand by a stream with a stick in my hand, while
 the fish swim by in complete safety."

 "It's a guy thing." Really means...."There is no rational thought pattern
 connected with it and you have no chance at all of making it logical."

 "Can I help with dinner?" Really means..."Why isn't it already on the
 table?"

 "Uh huh," "Sure, honey," or "Yes, dear." Really means....Absolutely
 nothing. It's a conditioned response.

 "It would take too long to explain." Really means..."I have no idea how
 it works.

 "I'm getting more exercise lately." Really means...."The batteries in the
 remote are dead."

 "We're going to be late." Really means..."Now I have a legitimate excuse
 to drive like a maniac."

 "Take a break, honey, you're working too hard." Really means...."I can't
 hear the game over the vacuum cleaner."

 "That's interesting, Dear." Really means...."Are you still talking?"

 "Honey, we don't need material things to prove our love." Really
  means...."I forgot our anniversary again."

 "You expect too much of me." Really means...."You want me to stay awake."

 "It's a really good movie." Really means...."It's got guns, knives, fast
 cars and Heather Locklear."

 "That's women's work." Really means...."It's difficult, dirty, and
 thankless."

 "Will you marry me?" Really means.... "Both my roommates have moved out,
 I can't find the washer, and there is no more peanut butter."

 "You know how bad my memory is." Really means.... "I remember the theme
 song to 'F Troop', the address of the first girl I ever kissed and the
 Vehicle Identification Numbers of every car I've ever owned, but I forgot
 your birthday."

 "I was just thinking about you, and got you these roses." Really
 means...."The girl selling them on the corner was a real babe."

 "Oh, don't fuss.  I just cut myself, it's no big deal." Really
  means...."I have actually severed a limb, but will bleed to death before
  I admit I'm hurt."

 "I do help around the house." Really means.... "I once put a dirty towel
 in the laundry basket."

 "Hey, I've got my reasons for what I'm doing." Really means...."And I
 sure hope I think of some pretty soon."

 "I can't find it." Really means.... "It didn't fall into my outstretched
 hands, so I'm completely clueless."

 "What did I do this time?" Really means.... "What did you catch me at?"

 "I heard you." Really means....  "I haven't the foggiest clue what you
 just said and am hoping desperately that I can fake it well enough so
 that you don't spend the next 3 days yelling at me."

 "You know I could never love anyone else." Really means.... "I am used to
 the way you yell at me, and realize it could be worse."

 "You look terrific." Really means.... "Oh, God, please don't try  on one
 more outfit. I'm starving."

 "I brought you a present." Really means...."It was free ice scraper night
 at the ball game."

 "I missed you." Really means.... "I can't find my sock drawer, the kids
 are hungry and we are out of toilet paper."

 "I'm not lost. I know exactly where we are." Really means.... "No one
 will ever see us alive again."

 "We share the housework." Really means....  "I make the messes, she
 cleans them up."

 "This relationship is getting too serious." Really means.... "I like you
 more than my truck."

 "I don't need to read the instructions." Really means.... "I am perfectly
 capable of screwing it up without printed help."

 "I'll fix the garbage disposal later." Really means.... "If I wait long
 enough you'll get frustrated and buy a new one."

------------------------------

Date:    Wed, 18 Mar 1998 12:28:26 -0500
From:    JIM MICA OFFICE OF ADMISSION ITHACA COLLEGE <JMICA@OA.ITHACA.EDU>
Subject: <HUMOR> I Was just looking for a cookie or two

Cookies and ?:
Humor In the Workplace that won't make it into Reader's Digest
by Jim Mica

The workplace of the 90s is a far more complicated place than you
would expect from reading "All in a Day's Work(Tm)" in Reader's
Digest.

Last fall we had a bunch of our word- and information-processing
folks shift from hard-wired terminals to networked PCs.  Since
then we "old hands" have been trying to help the "newbies" with
their transition problems.  I am one "old hand" who has often
been stumped in trying to deal with these problems.

The new PCs have Pentium IIs, huge RAMS, CD-ROM drives, quality
speakers and good soundboards.  The old uniform "tick... tick...
tack.." sound in word-processing has been replaced by a quiet
cacophony of competing music and sounds.  Some of the workers
play CDs, some listen to music streamed off the Internet and
others may be picking up police or fire calls.  You never know
what you're gonna hear as you walk amongst the cubes.

The other morning Dee brought in some cookies for everybody.  We
were celebrating Bee's return from maternity leave.  I took care
of some stuff at my desk and then hoofed it over to processing to
get at some of those cookies.  As I walked among the cubicles I
heard the strangest sound coming from one of the PCs.

The sound was coming from Bee's work area, right near where the
cookie stash was located.  She was sitting in her cubicle with
her back to the aisle so that her keyboard was at her elbow. She
didn't seem to be doing anything on the computer right then.
>From what I could see, she was working through a pile of papers
in front of her.  So far everything seemed normal, but the sound
her computer was making grabbed my attention.

I didn't hear music, I didn't hear voices, I didn't even hear
those "event sounds" the Windows95(TM) program is famous for.
What I heard was a whirring sound; something like an empty reel
on an open-reel tape deck spinning at high speed.

Now, this is NOT the kind of sound one normally hears from a PC.
I stared at her computer for some time while I tried to figure
out what was wrong with it.  Was her CD spinning wildly?  Was it
white noise coming out of the speakers?  I simply couldn't fathom
the situation.

I was just about to ask her if she was having a problem with her
equipment when I noticed that there were wires and some tubing
running up under her sweater.  I pondered this new bit of
information for a moment and suddenly had an epiphany!

Bee had recently given birth to a bouncing baby boy.  She had
returned to work after the customary 6-week maternity leave, long
before the new kid would have been weaned.

Yup, it all finally made sense:  the whirring sound, the tubes
and wires indicated it wasn't a problem with an office PC she was
expressing milk to take home for her son.

Boy was I glad that I had NOT asked what the sound was and
offered to help my colleague with her equipment!  I could have
been in the midst of a very embarrassing situation.

I left the area so quickly, I nearly forgot to pick up the cookies.

Post Script: Comments from Friends
1) One suggested the "milk and cookies" theme for the title.
2) A woman friend was shocked that I couldn't tell a PC from a breast pump,
   but proud of me for figuring things out before I made a faux paux.
3) One guy said that I needed to have the mom in the story uplinking to the
   Internet. He's into SF you see.
			***********************

The author grants the right to forward and reproduce the above as
long as the title and author's name are attached.

------------------------------

Date:    Wed, 18 Mar 1998 13:34:02 -0600
From:    "Ken Brousseau Sr." <kenbruso@IO.COM>
Subject: Humor - Stupid Criminal Story #8

By RICHARD STEWART
 Copyright 1998 Houston Chronicle East Texas Bureau

 BEAUMONT -- A man accused of forcing his estranged wife to give him the
keys to a Palestine bank was later beaten and robbed during a would-be drug
deal when he flashed too much of the stolen loot, police said.  "The robber
got robbed himself," said police Detective Mike Brimberry.

 If that wasn't trouble enough, he's also recovering from a broken nose, a
concussion and several bruises that police said came while he was being
beaten and robbed.

------------------------------

Date:    Wed, 18 Mar 1998 22:22:14 +0200
From:    Avi & Rachel Ben Zev <benzev@KINNERET.CO.IL>
Subject: What about Sadaam?

Bruce H.G. Calder's                                   March 4, 1952
THIS-DAY-IN-HISTORY

-Korean War-
The communist North Korean government accuse United Nations forces
of germ warfare. The U.N. replies that communist troops are
generally sick due to their inadequate medical and supply services.
The germ warfare accusation will be repeated, but North Korea
will refuse a Red Cross investigation of the claims.

Eyewitness: A North Korean Remembers
  http://www.kimsoft.com/korea/eyewit.htm
Korean War Project
  http://www.koreanwar.org/
International Committee of the Red Cross
  http://www.icrc.org/unicc/icrcnews.nsf/DocIndex/home_eng?OpenDocument
Canadians in Korea
  http://www.vac-acc.gc.ca/historical/koreawar/korea.htm

http://www.calder.net/

------------------------------

Date:    Wed, 18 Mar 1998 13:13:11 -0800
From:    Joke List <1rodney@GEOCITIES.COM>
Subject: The world's smartest gorilla

        This guy went to the zoo one day.  While he was standing in
front of the gorilla's enclosure, he noticed the gorilla watching him
intently.  The man waved at the gorilla, the gorilla waved back.  He
patted his stomach and the gorilla copied him.  He jumped up and down,
the gorilla started jumping.  He made faces, pull his hair, hopped on
one foot, spun in a circle, and beat on his chest.  His antics were
copied exactly by the gorilla in the cage.

        All of a sudden the wind gusted and he got some grit in his
eye.  The man rubbed his eye, trying to make it better.  While doing
so he, he stepped closer and closer to the cage.  As he pulled his
eyelid down to dislodge the particle, the gorilla went crazy, banged
against the bars, reached out, grabbed the nearly blinded man and
beat the guy senseless. When the guy came to, the zoo keeper was
anxiously bending over him, and as soon as he was able to talk,
he told the keeper what had happened. The zoo keeper nodded and
explained that in gorilla language, pulling down your eyelid
means "f--- you".

      The explanation didn't make the gorilla's victim feel any better
but he accepted it.  As he left he became madder and madder.  He plotted
his revenge.  The next day he purchased two large knives, two
party hats, two party horns, and a large sausage. Putting the
sausage in his pants, he hurried to the zoo and over to the gorilla's
cage, into which he tossed a hat, a knife, and a party horn.

      Knowing that the big ape liked to mimic people, he put on a party
hat. The gorilla looked at him, and looked at the hat, and put it on.
Next he picked up his horn and blew on it.   The gorilla picked up his
horn and did the same.  He twirled in a circle blowing the horn.  The
gorilla did the same.  Then the man picked up his knife and waved it
over his head.  Again the gorilla copied it.  Next the man whipped the
sausage out of his pants, and sliced it neatly in two. The gorilla
looked at the knife in his big hairy hand, looked at his own crotch, and
pulled down his eyelid.

------------------------------

Date:    Wed, 18 Mar 1998 14:18:51 PDT
From:    Mark Huth <mhuth@RODGERS.RAIN.COM>
Subject: Paying respect <risque>

During the American Comedy Awards, which was broadcast last night on
FOX, John Cleese of Monty Python fame presented a list of reasons why
the UK is better than the USA.  One of them was:

Common people only need to go down on *one* knee when paying hommage
to their leaders.

------------------------------

Date:    Wed, 18 Mar 1998 14:35:37 -0800
From:    "Gunther, Tina" <tina_gunther@PETER.BIOLA.EDU>
Subject: Humor-The Singing Fish

Pat:   Hey, Chris! How's your new pet fish doing?
       You told me he was really something special.
Chris: To tell you the truth, I'm really
       disappointed in him. The guy who sold him to
       me said I could teach him to sing like a bird.
Pat:   You bought a fish because you thought you
       could teach him to sing like a bird?  I can't
       believe it!
Chris: Well, yeah. After all, he's a _parrot_ fish.
Pat:   I hate to tell you this, Chris, but while you
       might be able to teach a parrot _bird_ to
       sing, you're never going to get anywhere with
       a parrot _fish_.
Chris: That's what _you_ think!  He can sing all
       right. The thing is, he keeps singing off-key.
       It's driving me crazy.  Do you know how hard
       it is to tuna fish?

------------------------------

Date:    Wed, 18 Mar 1998 16:15:55 -0800
From:    "Dr. L. A. Wilson" <Allen_Wilson@BC.SYMPATICO.CA>
Subject: "Antifreeze"<adult, true>

An RCMP officer stopped to help a stranded rider standing beside a
stalled motorcycle in the mountains. It was extremely cold, and the rider
was heavily dressed in a helmet, balaclava and snowmobile suit. In a
muffled voice, the rider told the Mountie the carburetor was frozen.
"Well, piss on it," the Mountie said.
"Can't," replied the rider.
The helpful Mountie took out his own equipment and liberally hosed down
the carburetor, and the bike soon fired up.
A few days later the local detachment received a thankyou note from a
father, grateful for the roadside assistance his young daughter had
received from the RCMP.

------------------------------

Date:    Wed, 18 Mar 1998 19:13:56 -0600
From:    "Grant C. Anderson" <robschool@NWU.EDU>
Subject: ABC's of breakups Pt. 2--Girlfriends Pt.1 <adult>

The ABC's of Ex-Girlfriends...

A is for Arteries. You know, the things that your ex-girlfriend
ripped out because she really didn't care for you you twit she was
only after your money and could have given a shit about you.

B is for Bitter. Who, me?? No way. I really hope things between them
do work out. I hope they get married and have 2 children that are
little devils and her hips get huge and his eyebrows finally grow
completely together and they get fat and old together and then DIE!!

C is for Call ya later. She won't. She never has before.

D is for Dumped. Does D need to be explained?

E is for Eating like a pig. Remember when you took her out and she
said "I'm not hungry" so you figured you could take her to a nice
place because you were able to afford a nice meal at this fine
restaurant. Then she ate more than your Uncle Roy (you remember Uncle
Roy the one with the mustard stains on everything). So you flip the
bill and are broke for the next two weeks and she wonders why you
were unable to call her that week and go see movies.

F is for Friends. That is what she just wants to be. As if you can
even stand to look at her.

G is for Gun. And yes there is a waiting period.

H is for Horny. Remember when she looked nice and even had a
personality? Well, you figure it out.

I stands for I still hate her. Odds are I always will, unless she
calls me and offers me favors.

J stands for Jim. This is her new boyfriend. Doesn't Jim have a nice
car? Doesn't Jim have a good job? Why does Jim want to date her? I
think Jim could do much better. I hate Jim. Jim is my mortal enemy.

K stands for Kill.

L is for Love. It's a great euphoric feeling that exists between two
people and is shared upon by both parties.

L is also for Lunatic. Lunatics are crazy. Lunatics are the last
people that actually believe in love.

M stands for Mephistophiles. That is who she worked for.

N-Z tomorrow...

------------------------------

Date:    Wed, 18 Mar 1998 22:36:52 EST
From:    Bill Edwards <EDWARDS_BILL@COLSTATE.EDU>
Subject: A cloudbust of comments & questions about contemporary life

Most of these were selected from recent issues of the Vent:
http://www.accessatlanta.com/local/thevent

Does Willey give Willie the willies?

Are the classes at Shorter College shorter? If they are, enroll me
because I don't have much time.

If Dr. Kevorkian got sick and decided to kill himself would it be
bad business if he decide to go to someone else?

I think that there is a new cult in Atlanta that's growing in
popularity. They hold the religious belief that it is immoral and
impolite to use a turn signal.

Where you find CRAP you will find RAP.

Bill Clinton's new code name is Cleopatra. After all he is the Queen
of Denial.

Fathers: Never raise your hands to your kids. It leaves your groin
unprotected.

Next things you know, Spreewell will be suing for injuries to his
wrists suffered while choking his coach.

My two-year old could be Miss Iraq; she's a model of non-compliance.

Help wanted: Psychic. You know where to apply.

Old age affects memory. I've forgotten who I am supposed to hate and
why I'm supposed to hate them.

When will Kenneth Starr collapse into a black hole?

------------------------------

Date:    Thu, 19 Mar 1998 09:55:53 -0500
From:    Chalapathi Rao Poduri <chaps@TC4HQ.CMC.STPH.NET>
Subject: Surd-Times : The Hunt <clean>

Sardar Dhakaal Singh is big hunter. Once he went to a zoo to see
the "real" stuff.At the same time a big tiger escaped from its cage.the
zoo officials sent all the people out of the zoo and closed the
main gate.The tiger's now inside the  zoo but wandering freely..
The Zoo officials requested our man to go inside and trap the tiger.
Our man was scared, but to avoid insult he went into the zoo in his
jeep carrying a big gun.

While driving on one of the zoo's roads,he noticed that the
tiger was chasing him. Feeling scared he drove the jeep pretty fast
only to observe that the tiger's quite near to the jeep.At that
time the road seperated into two paths ahead,one to the left and
other to the right.Then ,VERY cleverly Dhakaal put the left indicator ON
and turned the jeep to the road on RIGHT.The tiger runs into the
left path.

With a sigh of relief,Dhakaal drove forward.after some time the roads
met and the same situation arises again.Once more the road
divides into two and this time our Sardar is smart enough to put
the right indicator ON and turn to the LEFT.This time the tiger goes
into the road on right side.

After some time the roads meet again to our sardar's misfortune
and the tiger starts to chase him again.This time there isn't any
division and our Sardar thought the tiger would catch him.Then a
brilliant idea struck his mind. Our Sardar slows down his jeep taking
it to the left corner of the road.Then he holds his hand outside
and a gives signal which is given for vehicles which want to
overtake. The tiger this time overtakes his jeep and runs
forward.

Moral: You can take it for granted that the tiger's from Punjab too.

------------------------------

Date:    Wed, 18 Mar 1998 23:22:15 -0700
From:    Janelle Barker <jbarker@HOLLY.COLOSTATE.EDU>
Subject: no leg puns (f-word)

Q: What do you call a deer with no eyes?

A: No ideer.

Q: What do you call a deer with no eyes and no legs?

A: Still no ideer.

Q: What do you call a deer with no eyes and no legs and is trying
   to have sex?

A: Still fucking no ideer!

------------------------------

End of HUMOR Digest - 18 Mar 1998 to 19 Mar 1998
************************************************

