HUMOR Digest - 17 Mar 1998 to 18 Mar 1998
There are 6 messages totalling 297 lines in this issue.

Topics of the day:

  1. Joke Writing 101
  2. Did ya ever wonder? (not off.)
  3. Humor:Offensive to blondes and Christians?
  4. TGIF: Smart crooks? (fwd)
  5. MEN "PREFIX" <SOME MEN MAY FIND IT OFFENSIVE>
  6. Know It!<adult?>

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Date:    Tue, 17 Mar 1998 03:41:15 -0500
From:    Jim Moore Jr <jimjr@QIS.NET>
Subject: Joke Writing 101

There's been a comeback of the pun on the Net.  The credit
(or blame) can be attributed to one of our own contributors
Mr. Stan Kegel.  But there's an obscure form of the pun
called a "degenerative pun" that's fun too.  Start with a
simple statement, then go from there:

Why was the "Story of O" banned in the US ?
Too much sex and violence

        (and, we're off...)

* Why was "Ivanhoe" banned in the US ?
  Too much Saxon violence

* Why did the NFL ban macho razor blade commercials ?
  Too much Schicks and virulence

* Why did the woman hate VapoRub & not talking for laryngitis?
  Too much Vicks and silence

* Why did the woman quit dying her curtains for 27 windows ?
  Too much soaks and valances

* Why was the chip dipping, potato chip eating optician fired ?
  Too much snacks and vile lenses

* Why did the Lord of the Manor punish the surly Serfs ?
  Too much sulks and villeins

* Why did the orchestra leader quit ?
  Too much sax and violins


www.qis.net/~jimjr  ("QIS.NET")
www.geocities.com/BourbonStreet/6293

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Date:    Tue, 17 Mar 1998 07:18:01 -0500
From:    Terry Galan <galante@MCMAIL.CIS.MCMASTER.CA>
Subject: Did ya ever wonder? (not off.)

* How come you press harder on a remote-control when you know the battery
  is dead?
* Why are they called buildings, when they're already finished? Shouldn't
  they be called builts?
* Why are they called apartments, when they're all stuck together?
* Why do people without out a watch look at their wrist when you ask them
  what time it is? Why do you ask someone without a watch what time it is?
* Why does sour cream have an expiration date?
* Who is General failure and why is he reading my disk?
* The light went out, but where to?
* Why do banks charge you a "non-sufficient funds fee" on money they
  already know you don't have?
* Why is it you have a "pair" of pants and only one bra?
* Does the reverse side also have a reverse side?
* Why is the alphabet in that order?
* If the universe is everything, and scientists say that the universe is
  expanding, what is it expanding into?
* If you got into a taxi and he started driving backwards, would the taxi
  driver end up owing you money?
* What would a chair look like if your knees bent the other way?
* If a tree falls in the forest and no one is around to see it do the
  other trees make fun of it?
* Why is a carrot more orange than an orange?
* When two airplanes almost collide why do they call it a near miss?? It
  sounds like a near hit to me!!
* Do fish get cramps after eating?
* How come abbreviated is such a long word?
* Why are there 5 syllables in the word "monosylabic"?
* If it's zero degrees outside today and it's supposed to be twice as cold
  tomorrow, how cold is it going to be?
* Why do they call it the Department of Interior when they are in charge
  of everything outdoors?
* Why do scientists call it research when looking for something new?
* If vegetarians eat vegetables, what do humanitarians eat?
* When I erase a word with a pencil, where does it go?
* Why is it, when a door is open it's ajar, but when a jar is open, it's
  not a-door?
* Tell a man that there are 400 billion stars and he'll believe you. Tell
  him a bench has wet paint and he has to touch it.
* How come Superman could stop bullets with his chest, but always ducked
  when someone threw a gun at him?
* Do infants have as much fun in their infancy as adults do in adultery?
* If "con" is the opposite of "pro," then what is the opposite of
  progress?
* Why is lemon juice mostly artificial ingredients but dishwashing liquid
  contains real lemons?
* How much deeper would the ocean be if sponges didn't grow in it?
* Why buy a product that it takes 2000 flushes to get rid of?
* Why do we wait until a pig is dead to "cure" it?
* Why do we wash bath towels? Aren't we clean when we use them?
* Why do we put suits in a garment bag and put garments in a suitcase?
* Why doesn't glue stick to the inside of the bottle?
* Do Roman paramedics refer to IV's as "4's"?
* Whose cruel idea was it for the word "lisp" to have an "s" in it?
* What do little birdies see when they get knocked unconscious?
* Why doesn't Tarzan have a beard?
* If man evolved from monkeys and apes, why do we still have monkeys and
  apes?
* Should you trust a stockbroker who's married to a travel agent?
* Is boneless chicken considered to be an invertebrate?
* Do married people live longer than single people or does it just SEEM
  longer?
* I went to a bookstore and asked the saleswoman, "Where's the self-help
  section?" She said if she told me, it would defeat the purpose.
* If all those psychics know the winning lottery numbers, why are they all
  still working?
* Isn't Disneyland a people trap operated by a mouse?
* Sooner or later, doesn't EVERYONE stop smoking?
* Since light travels faster than sound, isn't that why some people appear
  bright until you hear them speak?
* Isn't the best way to save face to keep the lower part shut?
* War doesn't determine who's right, just who's left.

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Date:    Tue, 17 Mar 1998 10:45:43 EST
From:    JD STONE <jstone@EMH1.LEAD.ARMY.MIL>
Subject: Humor:Offensive to blondes and Christians?

Three blondes just died and are at the pearly gates of heaven.
St. Peter tells them that they can enter the gates if they can
answer one simple question.  St. Peter asks the first blonde,
"WHAT IS EASTER?"

The blonde replies, "Oh, that's easy, it's the holiday in
November when everyone gets together, eats turkey, and are
thankful..."

"WRONG," replies St. Peter, and proceeds to ask the second
blonde the same question, "WHAT IS EASTER?"

The second blonde replies, "No, Easter is the holiday in
December when we put up a nice tree, exchange presents, and
celebrate the birth of Jesus."

St. Peter looks at the second blonde, shakes his head in
disgust, looks at the third blonde and asks, "WHAT IS EASTER?"

The third blonde smiles and looks St. Pete in the eye. "I know
what Easter is. Easter is the Christian holiday that coincides
with the Jewish celebration of Passover.  Jesus and his
disciples were eating at the last supper and Jesus was later
deceived and turned over to the Romans by one of his disciples.
The Romans took him to be crucified and he was stabbed in the
side, made to wear a crown of thorns, and was hung on a cross.
He was buried in a nearby cave which was sealed off by a large
boulder.

Every year the boulder is moved aside so that Jesus can come
out, and if he sees his shadow there will be six more weeks of
winter."

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Date:    Tue, 17 Mar 1998 09:03:41 -0800
From:    Susan Birkenseer <sbirkens@WAHOO.SJSU.EDU>
Subject: TGIF: Smart crooks? (fwd)

Tennessee:
A man successfully broke into a bank after hours and stole the bank's
video camera. While it was recording, remotely.  (That is, the videotape
recorder was located elsewhere in the bank, so he didn't get the
videotape of himself stealing the camera.)

 Louisiana:
A man walked into a Circle-K, put a $20 bill on the counter and asked
for change. When the clerk opened the cash drawer, the man pulled a gun
and asked for all the cash in the register, which the clerk promptly
provided.  The man took the cash from the clerk and fled-leaving the $20
bill on the counter. The total amount of cash he got from the drawer?
Fifteen dollars. (If someone points a gun at you and gives you money,
was a crime committed?)

Arkansas:
Seems this guy wanted some booze pretty badly. He decided that he'd
just throw a cinder block through a liquor store window, grab some
booze, and run.  So he lifted the cinder block and heaved it over his
head at the window.  The cinder block bounced back and hit the would-be
thief on the head, knocking him unconscious. Seems the liquor store
window was made of Plexi- Glass. The whole event was caught on videotape.

New York:
As a female shopper exited a convenience store, a man grabbed her purse
and ran. The clerk called 911 immediately and the woman was able to give
them a detailed description of the snatcher. Within minutes, the police
had apprehended the snatcher. They put him in the cruiser and drove back
to the store. The thief was then taken out of the car and told to stand
there for a positive ID. To which he replied "Yes Officer, that's her.
That's the lady I stole the purse from."

Seattle:
When a man attempted to siphon gasoline from a motor home parked on a
Seattle street, he got much more than he bargained for.  Police arrived
at the scene to find an ill man curled up next to a motor home near
spilled sewage. A police spokesman said that the man admitted to trying
to steal gasoline and plugged his hose into the motor home's sewage tank
by mistake.  The owner of the vehicle declined to press charges, saying
that it was the best laugh he'd ever had.

Newark:
A woman was reporting her car as stolen, and mentioned that there was a
car phone in it. The policeman taking the report called the phone, and
told the guy that ad in the newspaper and wanted to buy the car. They
arranged to meet, and the thief was arrested.

Ann Arbor:
The Ann Arbor News crime column reported that a man walked into a
Burger King in Ypsilanti, Michigan at 7:50am, flashed a gun and demanded
cash.  The clerk turned him down because he said he couldn't open the
cash register without a food order. When the man ordered onion rings,
the clerk said they weren't available for breakfast. The man,
frustrated, walked away.

And Finally, Kentucky:
Two men tried to pull the front off a cash machine by running a chain
from the machine to the bumper of their pickup truck.  Instead of
pulling the front panel off the machine, though, they pulled the bumper
off their truck. Scared, they left the scene and drove home. With the
chain still attached to the machine. With their bumper still attached to
the chain.  With their vehicle's license plate still attached to the
bumper.

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Date:    Tue, 17 Mar 1998 14:28:21 EST
From:    CHARITY D CRENSHAW <charity.com1@JUNO.COM>
Subject: MEN "PREFIX" <SOME MEN MAY FIND IT OFFENSIVE>

MENtal illness
MENopause
MENstrual cramps
MENtal breakdown

Ever noticed how all our problems begin with MEN?

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Date:    Wed, 18 Mar 1998 09:35:48 -0500
From:    Chalapathi Rao Poduri <chaps@TC4HQ.CMC.STPH.NET>
Subject: Know It!<adult?>

A bra is a true socialist......because.....

It uplifts the poor
Assists the fallen
And arrests the rich!

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End of HUMOR Digest - 17 Mar 1998 to 18 Mar 1998
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