HUMOR Digest - 16 Mar 1998 to 17 Mar 1998
There are 15 messages totalling 488 lines in this issue.

Topics of the day:

  1. Hi, My Name Is.... (Pun List)
  2. JimJr's Pet Peeves
  3. chaps@TC4HQ.CMC.STPH.NET
  4. You did what!!!???
  5. Playmates (clean-ish, on the moronic side)
  6. <HUMOR> Trying to insult the help
  7. SHOULDN'T HAVE ASKED <ADULT>
  8. Clinton, Hairy Space, Birth Control <political, sex>
  9. "Things To Ponder" <adult> <some male bashing>
 10. 3 Eskimos (mildy disgusting)
 11. Puns for Saint Patrick's Day
 12. "Old Gaelic Blessing" <Irish religious humor>
 13. Cannibals
 14. vampires!
 15. The State of Politics (off. to anyone who is in politics probabl

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Date:    Sun, 15 Mar 1998 23:30:48 -0800
From:    Stan Kegel <kegel@FEA.NET>
Subject: Hi, My Name Is.... (Pun List)

Hi, my name is:

Art, I'm a museum curator.
Chuck, I'm a butcher.
Gene, I'm a DNA researcher.
Curt and Rod, we are in the drapery business.
Will, I'm a lawyer.
Sue. I'2m also a lawyer.
Mary. I'm a justice of the peace.
Phillip, I'm a service station attendant.
Bill. I run a collection agency
Grant, I would be a loan officer.
Bill. I run a collection agency.
Mike. I'm an announcer
Toni. I'm a hair dresser.
Gail. I'm a meteorologist
John. I'm a plumber
Herb. I'm a cook.
Stu. I also cook.
Wade and I'm in swimming pool maintenance.
Rob. I'm a thief.
Woody. A Forester.
Les I'm a dietician
Harry. I'm a barber.
Iris. I'm an optomotrist
Teddy I'm in lingerie
Carol. I sing during the holidays.
Bea. I'm in the honey business..
Hugh. I'm a painter.
Jim I train boxers
Brigham I'm a chauffeur
Dean A college chancellor
Nat abd Bea. We are entomologists
Bud. I'm in flowers.
And I'm Rose. I'm a gardener.
Clarence, I specialize in end-of-season inventory closeout sales.
Manuel, I  write intruction books.
Ruby and Pearl. We're jewelers.
Marshall. I'm a peace officier.
Gil. I'm a fisherman.
Avery. I raise birds.
Cliff. I'm a mountaineer.
Sherry. I'm a wine-master.
Cary. I'm a porter.
Barry. I'm an undertaker.
Chevy and Mercedes. We are car dealers.
Abbie. I'm a Mother Superior.
Belle. I play the carillon.
Candy. I'm a  confectioner.
Jack. I'm a banker.
Dick. I'm a plain-clothes policeman.
Bet. I'm a coupier.
Leo. A lion trainer.
Ham. I raise pigs
Otto. I'm a car mechanic.
Herald. I'm a messenger.
Ray. I'm a roentgenologist.
Faith. I'm a minister.
Bart. I drive a bus.
Frank, the Hot-Dog vendor
Holly, I'm a holiday decorator
Shelly, I'm an expert on mollusks
Rich, A successful investment banker.
Brooks. I'm an irrrigation consultant.
Tom. I bred cats.
Lute. I'm a musician.
Tellie. A gossip columnist
Victor, and I'm a winner in everything I do.

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Date:    Mon, 16 Mar 1998 03:25:30 -0500
From:    Jim Moore Jr <jimjr@QIS.NET>
Subject: JimJr's Pet Peeves

*   TV commercials for gyms.  Did y'all ever notice that the vast
  majority of the women shown could all have been "Playmates" ?
  And the men !  I suspect they're all there taking a break from
  their appearances in "Mr Body Builder of the Year."
    Don't any fat or old people ever go to gyms ?
                                - - - - -

* People who say things like "True happiness is the pursuit of
  something, not the catching of it."  Oh yeah ?  When's the
  last time any of these clowns tried to catch a bus in a tough
  neighborhood on an icy night ?
                                - - - - -

* Those who begin conversations with "Ya know something ?"  Yes
  Bozo, as a matter of fact, I know quite a bit.  The first thing
  which comes to mind is not to associate with idiots like you --
  buzz off !
                                - - - - -

* Mrs JimJr when she sez, "Hon, when you get a chance..."  when
  you know full right well she expects it to be successfully
  completed anytime within the next several minutes.  It wouldn't
  surprise me one bit if she were to say, "Hon, when you get a
  chance, the fireplace has exploded & the Family Room's on fire."
                                - - - - -

* Bores in general.  I mean all they can talk about is themselves
  & their possessions or where they've been or how much they make.
  These people go on and on and on, when they know full-right-well
  that you want to talk about yourself.
                                - - - - -

* Respect.  In the 50's, nobody respected teenagers.  Now that I'm
  becoming a Senior Citizen, nobody respects them either.  I seemed
  to have missed the boat here two times.


www.qis.net/~jimjr  ("QIS.NET")
www.geocities.com/BourbonStreet/6293

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Date:    Mon, 16 Mar 1998 17:42:58 -0000
From:    Stephen McCabe <bigsteve@ALLES.OR.JP>
Subject: Re: chaps@TC4HQ.CMC.STPH.NET

	[Personal Message deleted for Archival Purposes]

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Date:    Mon, 16 Mar 1998 07:33:38 -0500
From:    Terry Galan <galante@MCMAIL.CIS.MCMASTER.CA>
Subject: You did what!!!???

 A wife comes home after a shopping trip, and she's horrified to see her
 husband in bed with a young woman. She's about to storm out of the house,
 and the husband says "But I can explain, dear. As I was driving home I
 saw this poor and tired-looking creature standing by the road, so I
 offered her a ride. She said she was hungry, so I brought her to our home
 and fed her some of your leftover pot roast. Her shoes were completely
 worn out, so I gave her a pair of yours that you don't wear because
 they're out of style. She was cold, so I gave her your new birthday
 sweater you never wear because you say the colour doesn't suit you. Her
 slacks were tattered, so I gave her a pair of yours that don't fit you
 anymore. Then, just as she was about to leave our house, she stopped and
 asked me, 'Is there anything else your wife no longer uses?'"

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Date:    Mon, 16 Mar 1998 15:00:53 +0200
From:    Maurizio Mariotti <mariotti@IAFRICA.COM>
Subject: Playmates (clean-ish, on the moronic side)

A little girl asked her mother, "Can I go outside and play with the
boys?" Her mother replied, "No, you can't play with the boys, they're
too rough." The little girl thought about it for a few moments and
asked, "If I can find a smooth one, can I play with him?"

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Date:    Mon, 16 Mar 1998 14:10:16 -0500
From:    JIM MICA OFFICE OF ADMISSION ITHACA COLLEGE <JMICA@OA.ITHACA.EDU>
Subject: <HUMOR> Trying to insult the help

Subject: fast food restaurants

When we lived in Hicktown, uh sorry, Hazleton PA last year, we had trouble
with fast food clerks always botching orders.  Finally, one day I had had
enough.  Below is my interaction with the 20-something gap-toothed female
clerk.

Me, after returning a hamburger for the second time:
"HOW hard is it to make a burger with cheese, lettuce and ketchup!!?"

Clerk: "I guess I don't have the right button for that on the register."

Me: "The cook is RIGHT BEHIND YOU, you can tell him what I want."

Clerk: "But I have to press the right button!"

Me: "You know, you've got the smoothest cortex I have ever seen!"

Clerk: "Why thank you! I use Oil of Olay every night."


AYE YAE YAE....some people have been swimming in their own gene pool!


Dr. Robert L. La Duca
Assistant Professor of Chemistry
King's College

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Date:    Mon, 16 Mar 1998 14:32:58 EST
From:    CHARITY D CRENSHAW <charity.com1@JUNO.COM>
Subject: SHOULDN'T HAVE ASKED <ADULT>

      A woman comes home after going to the doctor and says to her
husband, "I'm delighted with the doctor's physical,dear. He said I have
the breasts of a woman half my age".
      "Yeah, but what did he say about your sixty-year-old ass"?
      She replied, "Come to think of it, he didn't even mention your
name".

------------------------------

Date:    Mon, 16 Mar 1998 15:19:15 -0600
From:    Joe Hickman <comedy@FLASH.NET>
Subject: Clinton, Hairy Space, Birth Control <political, sex>

     Well, unfortunately, we still have the Willies--Slick and Kathleen.

     President Clinton says he's "mystified" by sex allegations made
against him by Kathleen Willey. Everybody else is mystified he's
actually admitting he's mystified.
     It's the first thing Bill Clinton has ever admitted.
     Kenneth Starr is expected any minute now to launch an investigation
into whether the President has ever denied under oath being mystified.

     You can send your hair into outer space for $50. Better hurry,
though. They only have room for 4.5-million people this September to
blast off their hair. Supposedly, it's so alien races can test your DNA
and find out what you're made of. But it sounds more like we're just
going to have a giant hairball flying around in space.

     China has developed a new birth control device that fits into a
man's underwear and emits electronic sperm-killing pulses. I may be on
the cutting edge, but I am not wearing electronic underwear. I will
never gamble on having a short in my shorts.
     Moreover, I will not wear gas, battery, microwave, or nuclear
underwear either.
     I will never ever allow my underwear to become a killing field!
     Call me old-fashioned, but I do not want mass destruction occurring
between my legs!


Copyright 1998 by Joe Hickman
From Ha! http://www.flash.net/~comedy

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Date:    Mon, 16 Mar 1998 16:38:24 EST
From:    CHARITY D CRENSHAW <charity.com1@JUNO.COM>
Subject: "Things To Ponder" <adult> <some male bashing>

1. Better to have loved and lost than to have spent your whole damn life
   with him.
2. If they can send a man to the moon, why can't they send them all?
3. The reason the average American woman would rather be pretty than
   smart, is because the average American man can see better than he can
   think.
4. Life is like a sewer, you get out what you put in.
5. Roses are red, violets are blue, sugar is sweet and so are you. The
   roses are wilted, the violets are dead, the sugar bowl's empty and
   so is your head.
6. There's no such thing as inner peace, just nervousness and death.

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Date:    Mon, 16 Mar 1998 11:28:47 +0200
From:    Soni Satish * Datavia <SatishSo@TRANSNET.CO.ZA>
Subject: 3 Eskimos (mildy disgusting)

 There were three Eskimos in Alaska, and one time while they were at
 their local bar, they got to talking about how cold it was outside,
 and how cold their igloos were. They could agree on everything but
 whose igloo was the coldest, so they decided to determine who indeed
 had the coldest igloo.

 They went to the first Eskimo's igloo, where he said "Watch this!"
 and poured a cup of water into the air. Well, the water froze in mid-air
 and fell onto the floor solid. "Not bad", said the other Eskimos,
 but each maintained their igloo was colder still.

 So they went to the second Eskimo's igloo, and he said "Watch this!"
 and took a big breath and exhaled, whereupon his breath froze into a
 big lump and fell to the floor. "Wow, that's colder than mine!" said
 the first Eskimo.

 But the third Eskimo exclaimed his was colder still. So they ended up
 at the third Eskimo's igloo. He said "Watch this!" and went into the
 bedroom, threw back the thick furs, and retrieved one of several small
 balls of ice there. He took it, put it in a spoon, and held a match
 under it. When it heated up enough, it went "FFFAAAARRRRTTT".

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Date:    Mon, 16 Mar 1998 18:31:46 -0800
From:    Stan Kegel <kegel@FEA.NET>
Subject: Puns for Saint Patrick's Day

The Deaf Mule

An Irishman named O'Leary, who loved to sing as he worked, bought a mule
to farm his garden. The mule worked well but was almost totally deaf.
So, when his owner yelled, "Whoa!", the animal often continued plowing.
Asked how the mule was working out, O'Leary shook his head. "There was a
time," he said, "when all the neighbors could here was me singing my
liltimg melodies." "Lately, I'm afraid, they've heard nothing but ....
my riled Irish whoa's!"

Their constant conflicts must somedday lead the Irish to see .... the
Eire of their ways.

Irish Countess

Lura, the Countess of Killarney, was on a world tour with her husband,
the Count. They were staying at an Intourist hotel on the edge of the
Ural Mountains and were scheduled to begin an escorted horseback tour of
the area early the next morning. Lura had developed a good tan a month
earlier on the beach at Nice, but now she noticed that it was beginning
to fade. Not having anything scheduled after lunch, she took a blanket
and wandered off in search of a secluded spot where she could touch up
the tan a bit. Unfortunately, Lura failed to realize that at high
attitudes the rays of the sun were much more damaging than at sea level.
Even worse, she fell asleep. She awoke, feeling rather uncomfortable.
Dressing gingerly, she limped back to the hotel to have her husband
assess the damages and the prospects for the morrow. After one look he
delivered his verdict: .... "Tour all Ural, Lura? Too raw, Lura. Lie."

The Irish .... An English-piquing people.

The Rarie

An exotic animal collector finally was able to complete his collection
with the acquisition of an juvenile member of a very unusual species
called the Rarie. The animal looked like a furry, round ball, with feet
on the bottom. However, the collector did not know much about this
creature, especially how much it would grow. And it grew. As the Rarie
grew, it ate more and more. And it grew at an alarming rate. The small
animal enclosure had to be enlarged, and enlarged, and enlarged. All too
soon, the size of the creature was becoming alarming, and the amount of
food consumed was straining the collector's budget. Finally, in a state
of desperation, he took the animal in a dump truck to the edge of a
gigantic cliff with the idea that he would drop it over the edge. Just
as the collector was getting set to roll the animal out of the truck,
the animal popped open an eye and looked at him and asked, "Whatcha
gonna do now?" The collector explained how he could no longer afford the
upkeep, and that dropping it over the cliff would be a humane way to get
rid of such an expensive liability. The animal looked over the edge and
with a tear in its eye, it said, .... "It's a long way to tip a Rarie."

Irish Prisoners

During World War II, the captured Allied agents of Stalag 15 were
attempting yet another daring prison break. On this particular night,
Major O'Roarke and Lieutenant Flanagan were chosen to try to cut their
way through the bars of the East gate. They were hard at work when the
siren sounded, and the floodlights caught them in the act. As the German
officer led them away, O'Roarke said, "We were so careful. How did you
ever catch us?" The German replied,"It's very simple. Somehow, I can
always tell .... when Irish spies are filing."

------------------------------

Date:    Mon, 16 Mar 1998 20:14:41 -0800
From:    "Dr. L. A. Wilson" <Allen_Wilson@BC.SYMPATICO.CA>
Subject: "Old Gaelic Blessing" <Irish religious humor>

For Saint Patrick's Day, an "Old Gaelic Blessing":

"May those who love us, love us;
 And those that don't love us,
   may God turn their hearts;
 And if He doesn't turn their hearts,
   may He turn their ankles,
 So we'll know them by their limping."

------------------------------

Date:    Tue, 17 Mar 1998 09:52:24 -0500
From:    Chalapathi Rao Poduri <chaps@TC4HQ.CMC.STPH.NET>
Subject: Cannibals

An explorer in the deepest Amazon suddenly finds himself surrounded by
a bloodthirsty group of natives. Upon surveying the situation, he says
quietly to himself, "Oh God, I'm screwed."
There is a ray of light from the sky above and a voice booms out: "No, you
are NOT screwed. Pick up that stone at your feet and bash in the head of
the chief standing in front of you."
So the explorer picks up the stone and proceeds to bash the life out of the
chief. He stands above the lifeless body, breathing heavily and surrounded
by 100 natives with a look of shock on their faces.
The voice booms out again: "Okay . . . . NOW you're screwed."

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Date:    Mon, 16 Mar 1998 21:46:34 -0700
From:    Janelle Barker <jbarker@HOLLY.COLOSTATE.EDU>
Subject: vampires!

What is a vampire's favorite fruit?

Neck-tarines.

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Date:    Tue, 17 Mar 1998 01:27:24 +0000
From:    Jack Shea <jshumor@BERK.COM>
Subject: The State of Politics (off. to anyone who is in politics probabl

Considering all the investigations, insinuations, leaked testimony,
conjecture, partisan bad-mouthing etc......

I'm considering a run for the Presidency of the US on the platform of:

"I can't get it up anymore...so I'll have time to run the country"

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End of HUMOR Digest - 16 Mar 1998 to 17 Mar 1998
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