HUMOR Digest - 15 Mar 1998 to 16 Mar 1998
There are 11 messages totalling 931 lines in this issue.

Topics of the day:

  1. a Dilbertian quote
  2. The Friar (Pun)
  3. In The News - Humorous News Quips
  4. These Days <some innuendo>
  5. HUMOR Digest - 14 Mar 1998 to 15 Mar 1998
  6. In Praise of Older Women (adult theme)
  7. TIPS FOR MANAGERS AND BOSSES
  8. Joke (Sexual, language, off. to women)
  9. Topical Jokes (some adult themes)
 10. Cynical humor (comments & questions about contemporary life)
 11. Question

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Date:    Sun, 15 Mar 1998 10:51:00 +0800
From:    Darren <chngch@SINGNET.COM.SG>
Subject: a Dilbertian quote

(from Binnebrook in alt.quotations)

A magazine ran a Dilbert quotes contest.
Here's one:

No one will believe you solved this problem in one day!

We've been working on it for months. Now, go act busy for
a few weeks and I'll let you know when it's time to tell them.

------------------------------

Date:    Sat, 14 Mar 1998 23:23:44 -0800
From:    Stan Kegel <kegel@FEA.NET>
Subject: The Friar (Pun)

Hard as it might be to believe, Friar James, S.J., was too much of an
activist even for the other members of the Jesuit order. And as is
frequently the case with such people, Bro. James was sent to the
hinterlands to carry out his mission of service. It turns out, that he
was sent to the Land of the Trids, little Hobbit-Like creatures who
generally are hard-working folk, living their life out under the thumbs
of their ruthless masters. The evil nature of these masters was quickly
made clear to Bro. James when all the little creatures were mustered out
early in the morning and made to stand in a line, while bending over and
grabbing their ankles. Then, the masters walked down the line, applying
their jackboots to the most elevated portion of the exposed anatomy.
Bro. James was outraged, of course. He remonstrated with the masters for
more kindly treatment, but it was to no avail. Finally, in the best
tradition of passive resistance, he decided to join the little creatures
in their punishment in the hope of shaming the evil masters. The next
morning found the line of Trids, all bent over, and there in the middle
of the line, rear in the air, was Bro. James. The evil masters went down
the line, applying boots to butts. However to his chagrin, they skipped
Bro. James. Bro. James was outraged, again, and he complained that he
did not expect to be treated any different from his new parishioners.
Then it was explained to him that .... kicks are for Trids.

------------------------------

Date:    Sun, 15 Mar 1998 02:03:05 -0600
From:    Ed Lambert <elambert@IX.NETCOM.COM>
Subject: In The News - Humorous News Quips

In The News - Edited Excerpts from the LA Times
Includes some late night humor

WARNING: May be offensive to American politicians, Mexicans, Bill
Gates, OJ Simpson, actors who marry their kids, homosexuals, British
Royalty and their fans. Really. It's sick I tell ya.

Americans can be assured of one thing after this administration leaves
office: they won't rename any White House sleeping quarters the
"Clinton Bedroom".

You almost have to feel sorry for Hillary. In fact, she's writing a
book: "It Takes a Village to Keep an Eye on My Husband". (Leno)

President Clinton's former Whitewater partner James McDougal died of a
heart attack. The president was surprised. He said, "Really? I thought
it was supposed to be a stroke." (Leno)

The head of a Florida Latino group says the Taco Bell Chihuahua ad is a
"hate crime" against Latinos. Of course, he said the same thing about
the National Weather Service blaming record rains on El Nino. (Cutler
Daily Scoop)

Microsoft Chairman Bill Gates testified before the Senate recently,
insisting that Microsoft is not a monopoly. He then hopped into a giant
shoe and drove to his red hotel on Baltic Avenue. (SNL)

USA Networks has agreed to buy Ticketmaster for $400 million. Actually,
when you add in all the processing and service charges, the real price
is more like $500 million.

Russian cosmonauts ventured into space for three hours to fix a broken
lock on the Mir space station. Is this what it's come to? You need to
lock your doors in outer space? (SNL)

Congress agreed to rename National Airport to Ronald Reagan Airport.
The change will take awhile. They have to redo all the signs, print new
luggage tags and fire all the air traffic controllers.

England has had serious problems maintaining security around Princess
Di's gravesite due to the volume of visitors so they've installed a
new, "passive" security system... landmines. (rec.humor.funny)

Woody Allen has a real advantage this year on his taxes. Since his wife
is also his daughter, he gets two deductions. (Leno)

NASA has declared the Mars PAthfinder officially dead. Engineers at
Mission Control are now kicking themselves. For an extra $13.99, they
could have gotten the service policy.

Texas researchers believe they have isolated the two molecular
structures responsible for telling the human brain when it's time to
eat. One is a naturally occurring hormone. The other is a talking
Chihuahua.

Volkswagon has issued a remake of its classic Beetle, lovingly
recreated down to the smallest details. One of the radio knobs is
missing, the heater is broken and to get the windshield wiper to work,
you have to honk the horn.

OJ Simpson told ESPN he now spends a lot of time reading the Bible, or
as he calls it, "The Nine Commandments". (Leno)

A judge says Robert Downey Jr. can no longer leave prison to work on
his movie, "Two Girls and a Guy". In response, the producers said they
would simply finish the film in jail and change the title to "Two Guys
and Another Guy". (Leno)

The movie "Primary Colors" stars John Travolta as a Bill Clinton
character. The Hillary part went to Emma Thompson, and Ross Perot is
played by the Taco Bell Chihuahua. (Leno)

Members of Hanson plan to release material from their early years. What
will that be, a sonogram? (Leno)

The Village People are reuniting and will showcase the newest member of
the group: a Boy Scout leader.

The UPN TV network is creating an updated version of "The Love Boat".
It will be called "The I Care For You Very Much, but I'm Not Ready to
Make a Commitment Yet Boat."

The man who helped develop the 911 emergency response system has died.
His close friend, the inventor of *69, did not return calls.

The FDA has OK'd a new pill to fight baldness. It's called the Chia
Pill.

And finally, a study says walking prolongs life. Especially if you've
been offered a ride by Ted Kennedy. (Daily Scoop)

------------------------------

Date:    Sun, 15 Mar 1998 03:50:13 -0500
From:    Jim Moore Jr <jimjr@QIS.NET>
Subject: These Days <some innuendo>

* In the good old days, young people believed in steady dating,
  then, long engagements.  These days, they don't even believe
  in long introductions.
                                - - - - -

* I understand the need to have pets neutered with the over-
  abundance of them in this country today.  But now, the Yuppie
  set is even having their tropical fish "fixed".
                                - - - - -

* We've come a long way from that first mushroom-shaped atomic
  explosion plume.  With the emphasis on health these days, I
  understand they now come in carrot, broccoli and celery.
                                - - - - -

* I miss the long-legged sun-tanned beauties of the good old
  days.  Back then if you saw a girl with a tan all over, it
  meant she probably did everything under the Sun.
                                - - - - -

* In the good old days when a teenaged boy "ran out of gas",
  it meant his car had no gasoline.  These days when a girl
  says that, it means HE did.
                                - - - - -

* Speaking of teenaged boys (I was) in times past a guy going
  on a date called for her at the door, and even came in and
  sat down and talked a bit.  Imagine my surprise when my own
  Daughter was dating and a guy actually came to the door.  He
  looked at me sheepishly and said, "Sir, you'll have to excuse
  me for coming to your door to get Sandy, my horn is broken."
                                - - - - -

* I'm not really sure we're better off with all these new gadgets
  in the house.  Personally, I find it rather intimidating to be
  surrounded by all this stuff that's smarter than I am.


www.qis.net/~jimjr  ("QIS.NET")
www.geocities.com/BourbonStreet/6293

------------------------------

Date:    Sun, 15 Mar 1998 12:34:00 -0000
From:    Max Blumberg <max@MAXB.COM>
Subject: Re: HUMOR Digest - 14 Mar 1998 to 15 Mar 1998

	[Mis-sent post deleted for Archival Purposes]

------------------------------

Date:    Sun, 15 Mar 1998 10:04:54 -0500
From:    Terry Galan <galante@MCMAIL.CIS.MCMASTER.CA>
Subject: In Praise of Older Women (adult theme)

 --An older woman will never wake you up in the middle of the night and
   ask you, "What are you thinking?" An older woman doesn't care what you
   think.

 --An older woman always carries a condom in her purse. A younger woman is
   still hoping the guy might have one on him.

 --The older a woman gets, the stronger her libido gets and the older a
   man gets, the weaker his libido gets... which is why nature intended
   young guys to go out with older women and young women to go out with
   older men.

 --An older woman can wear bright red lipstick during the day without
   looking like she just had an adventure inside a jam jar. This is not
   true of younger women or drag queens.

 --Older women can run faster because they're always wearing sensible
   shoes.

 -- An older woman is almost always already attached to someone, so
    there's no need to develop a phobia about committing to her. The last
    thing she needs in her life is another clingy, whiny, dependent man.

 --Older women are more honest. An older woman will tell you that you are
   an asshole if you're acting like one. A young woman will say nothing,
   just in case it means you might break up with her.

 --An older woman will never get pregnant and then suddenly demand that
   the two of you get married. In fact, if you impregnate an older woman,
   you will probably be the last to know...

 --Older women have jobs with dental plans. Younger women can't help you
   when your teeth get knocked out playing hockey.

 --Older women take charge of the situation. An older woman will call you
   up and ask you for a date. A younger woman will wait forever, by the
   phone, for you to call...

 --Older women know how to cook. Young women know how to dial Pizza Hut
   Take out.

 --An older woman will introduce you to all of her girlfriends. A younger
   woman will avoid her girlfriends when she's with you, in case you get
   any ideas...

 --Older women are psychic. You never have to confess to having an affair,
   because somehow they always know.

 --Older women often own an interesting collection of lingerie that they
   have acquired from admirers over the years. Young women often don't
   wear underpants at all, thus practically eliminating all possibility
   of a strip-tease.

 --Older women know what Kegel exercises are.

 --An older woman will agree to go to McDonald's with you for a meal.
   Younger women are too nervous to eat anything in front of somebody that
   they might possibly boff later.

 --Older women are dignified. They are beyond having a screaming match
   with you in the middle of the night in a public park.

 --Older women are experienced. They understand that sometimes, after 12
   beers, a boy just can't get it up. A younger woman may need some time
   to grasp this fact.

 --An older woman will always meet the minimum height requirement to go on
   an amusement ride.

------------------------------

Date:    Sun, 15 Mar 1998 18:46:36 EST
From:    DHughes250 <DHughes250@AOL.COM>
Subject: TIPS FOR MANAGERS AND BOSSES

1. Never give me work in the morning.  Always wait until 4:00 and then bring
   it to me.  The challenge of a deadline is refreshing.

2. If it's really a "rush job," run in and interrupt me every ten minutes to
   inquire how it's going.  That helps.

3. Always leave without telling anyone where you're going.  It gives me a
   chance to be creative when someone asks where you are.

4. If my arms are full of papers, boxes, books, or supplies, don't open the
   door for me.  I need to learn how to function as a paraplegic and opening
   doors is good training.

5. If you give me more than one job to do, don't tell me which is the
   priority.  Let me guess.

6. Do your best to keep me late.  I like the office and really have nowhere
   to go or anything to do.

7. If a job I do pleases you, keep it a secret.  Leaks like that could cost
   me a promotion.

8. If you don't like my work, tell everyone.  I like my name to be popular in
   conversation.

9. If you have special instructions for a job, don't write them down.  In
   fact, save them until the job is almost done.

10. Never introduce me to the people you're with.  When you refer to them
    later, my shrewd deductions will identify them.

11. Be nice to me only when the job I'm doing for you could really change
    your life.

12. Tell me all your little problems.  No one else has any and it's nice to
    know someone is less fortunate.

------------------------------

Date:    Sun, 15 Mar 1998 19:11:44 -5
From:    Mike Kidulich <mjkid@IX.NETCOM.COM>
Subject: Joke (Sexual, language, off. to women)

A man walks into a drugstore, goes over the the pharmacist, and
says, "Give me some condoms with insecticide". The pharmacist
says, "Don't you mean spermicide?" The man says, "No, I mean
insecticide." The pharmacist then asked, "Why insecticide?" The
man replied, "Well, my wife's gotten a bug up her ass, and I'm
going in after it!"


DNRC Minister of Homebrewing, Herfing and Really Cool Toys
Holder of Previous Knowledge O-

------------------------------

Date:    Sun, 15 Mar 1998 19:28:17 +0000
From:    JBR Humor <jimr@POBOXES.COM>
Subject: Topical Jokes (some adult themes)

              The Daily Monologue for March 16, 1998
                      Made with Real Cheese!

Daily Nugget of Wisdom
To me, the greatest book of all time is The Bible
Because of all that religious stuff in it

President Clinton will not apologize for slavery when he tours Africa
beginning later this month, the White House says. He will, however,
apologize for brother Roger's soul music album.

USA Networks will buy Ticketmaster for $400 million. They won the
right to purchase the company by waiting in line all day, getting a
bracelet, paying a service fee of 10% of the purchase price, then
getting a seat on the Corporate Board where they can't really see
anything.

Six-term Massachusetts Congressman Joseph Kennedy announced Friday
that he will not seek another term. As a matter of fact, he's so fed
up with public service he's asked the Vatican to have his entire
congressional tenure annulled.

Michael Jackson's wife is due to give birth to their second child.
Wife Debbie Rowe says she is not sure if it's a boy or a girl. Same
goes for the baby.

Microsoft Corp. Chairman Bill Gates is reportedly considering writing
a second book in a move to showcase his current vision for technology.
Preliminary plans are for a more hip-hop, youth-oriented book
tentatively titled "Me So Wealthy."

Janet Jackson plans to donate a share of the proceeds from her
upcoming North American tour to help needy kids. The money will fund
public service announcements which warn children to stay away from her
brother.

Daily Verse
Rankle, Rankle Kenneth Starr
Wonder if you've gone too far ...
Airing all that dirty laundry
Judging you is such a quandary

NASA scientists announced an, ummm, recalculation, saying that
asteroid will miss the earth by 600,000 miles. They also apologized
for NASA's Packers by 21 announcement in early January.

Britain's Sun tabloid reported Michael Jackson and Luciano Pavarotti
will record a duet. Pavarotti will then donate the fat hanging from
his right forearm for Jackson's next face.

That former teacher imprisoned for having a sexual relationship with a
14-year-old boy who fathered her child is pregnant again... and her
lawyer says it's likely the same teen-ager is the father! These
teacher's today are so lenient with extra-credit projects ... it's a
crime.

Astronomers in Hawaii have seen the most distant-ever object observed
from Earth. Apparently, it's from a future so distant that Kenneth
Starr is almost finished with his investigation.

The LA Dodgers baseball team, was sold to Rupert Murdoch's Fox Group
for about $350 million. The team will now be knows as "The World's
Scariest Bat Swingers."

It's spring break week, a time when young people give in sexual excess
and immoral behavior -- sort of like a mini White House internship.

Last week, the man who helped develop the 9-1-1 emergency response
system died or, as he would have said, "went to the great Dispatcher
in the sky."


Original Humor Content; Featuring the Daily Monologue of the Internet
http://www.wirecom.com/jim

------------------------------

Date:    Sun, 15 Mar 1998 22:46:56 EST
From:    Bill Edwards <EDWARDS_BILL@COLSTATE.EDU>
Subject: Cynical humor (comments & questions about contemporary life)

Selected from: http://www.accessatlanta.com/local/thevent

Buddy's getting fixed? Maybe they should do his master while they're
at it.

I'm going to let it be known. I hate kids.

You know you're watching too much TV when you dream you're about to
have an affair with a beautiful woman and the dream is interrupted by
a commercial and then you wake up.

I see UGA has a new president. He has great plans for education, but
what does he know about football.

Instead of roads, bridges, and airports, let's name sewage treatment
plants after politicians.

The Pillsbury Doughboy is my roll model.

Based on the polls, it looks like the American people hired Bill
Clinton to make love, not war.

There is a computer company in town that does disk duplications but
does not copy data files or "dats." I think their motto should be,
"We do disk, but we don't do dat."

There's a new program for Washington reporters to reward their
informants. It's called "take a leak to lunch."

I'm not greedy. As old as I am, I'd settle for the fountain of middle
age.

How are husbands like lawn mowers? They're hard to get started, emit
foul odors, and don't work half the time.

------------------------------

Date:    Mon, 16 Mar 1998 09:47:24 -0500
From:    Chalapathi Rao Poduri <chaps@TC4HQ.CMC.STPH.NET>
Subject: Question

	[Personal Message deleted for Archival Purposes]

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End of HUMOR Digest - 15 Mar 1998 to 16 Mar 1998
************************************************

