HUMOR Digest - 14 Mar 1998 to 15 Mar 1998
There are 9 messages totalling 401 lines in this issue.

Topics of the day:

  1. Religion
  2. Bear Bells (Not Offensive)
  3. Another funny name
  4. Alien Sex <adult>
  5. Oprah and Texas <Texans>
  6. Basic Truths
  7. Penguin Joke <Offensive to people who can't tolerate bad jokes>
  8. ABC's of Breakups Pt. 1 <Adult themes, Language>
  9. Marketing Strategies!!!!!

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Date:    Sat, 14 Mar 1998 02:48:04 -0500
From:    Jim Moore Jr <jimjr@QIS.NET>
Subject: Religion

*   The evangelist was haranguing the crowd and carrying on
  and on about sin. "The wages of sin are high." he bellowed.
    A young man sitting in the back yelled out, "Not if you
  can find somebody who'll do it for free."
                                - - - - -

*   The sermon had been going on too long, and the Minister
  should have been able to see the congregation getting more
  than a little restless; he droned on none-the-less for yet
  another 15 minutes.  Finally he paused and said, "What else
  can I say Brothers and Sisters ?"
    "How about 'Amen' Preacher ?" said a hungry soul from the
  rear of the Church.
                                - - - - -

* Then there was the Faith Healer who was so great, his audience
  gave him a kneeling ovation.
                                - - - - -

* These days, the very first thing the meek will do when they
  inherit the Earth is to hire a bunch of strong guys to protect
  them, and keep them from losing their inheritance.
                                - - - - -

* The plane was circling the airport, which was fogged in.  They
  didn't have enough fuel to make it to the next closest airport.
  After the Captain made the announcement and asked for calm, a
  lady said, "Somebody do something religious !"  A Baptist cleric
  took up a collection and a Priest organized a bingo game.
                                - - - - -

*    Speaking of Baptists (I was), do y'all all know why they
  object so strongly to pre-marital sex ?
     They're afraid it might lead to drinking and dancing.


www.qis.net/~jimjr  ("QIS.NET")
www.geocities.com/BourbonStreet/6293

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Date:    Sat, 14 Mar 1998 07:18:24 -0500
From:    Jay Harman <jharman@IX.NETCOM.COM>
Subject: Bear Bells (Not Offensive)

With Thanks to JoLene....


If you are considering doing some camping this Spring and Summer,
please note the following public service announcement:

In Alaska, tourists are warned to wear tiny bells on their clothing
when hiking in bear country.

The bells warn away MOST bears (grizzly, black, etc.) but be careful
because they don't scare Kodiak/brown bears.

Tourists are cautioned to watch the ground on the trail, paying
particular attention to bear droppings to be alert for the presence
of Kodiak/brown bears.

One can easily spot a Kodiak/brown bear's droppings.  Those are the
droppings that contain those tiny bells.

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Date:    Sat, 14 Mar 1998 07:33:52 -0600
From:    "Rowe, Thomas" <trowe@UWSP.EDU>
Subject: Another funny name

>Jack Shea wrote:
>Several years ago the bulletin put out by our local HMO announcing the
>new Urologist on staff....
>Dr. Stephen Stream

For some years, the chief urologist at the local clinic has been Dr. Philip
Hacker.  I had a procedure done by this man about 20 years ago, but I was in
such denial I never noticed the name until later.  I wonder if I could have
gone to him if his name had been Richard Hacker???

------------------------------

Date:    Sat, 14 Mar 1998 07:51:26 -0600
From:    Les Pourciau at UMem <POURCIAU@LATTE.MEMPHIS.EDU>
Subject: Alien Sex <adult>

 One night, the waitress in a bar was a bit unsettled that a strange
 looking man who sat quietly drinking at the bar always seemed to be
 looking at her intently. Finally, he got up enough nerve to speak to
 her. "You are the most beautiful thing I've ever seen. I do hope you
 don't mind my looking at you." She told him she would rather he didn't
 look so hard and that she didn't consider herself that special.  "Well,
 you see I am from a far away planet, sent here to observe some things
 here and I have to go back tonight. So you see, I really haven't seen
 anyone like you before. Please just let me look." So she said ok, although
 she thought he was a little nuts. He did mind his manners, didn't get drunk,
 and just sat quietly looking.  When it was time to close the bar, he prepared
 to leave, then walked back to the waitress.  "I know this is strange, but
 would you please let me see your tits?  I've never seen anything like this
 and it would mean so very much to me if I could go home and tell the guys
 all about you."  Since everyone but the owner had left and he was in the
 back room, she finally gave in and unbuttoned her blouse and pulled her tits
 out of her bra.  "Oh my goodness, that is wonderful! Thank you! Thank you!
 You don't know how much this means to me!"  When she started to gather her
 clothes around her again, he asked shyly, "Please, please, let me just touch
 your tits.  It would mean so much to me to be able to tell all the guys about
 how wonderful you are."  After a little consideration, she allowed him to
 touch. He was very gentle and she was beginning to get stirred up by this
 alien.  Then he asked her if she would allow him to make love to her. Since
 she was beginning to fancy that notion, she agreed right away.  To her
 surprise, however, he placed his right forefinger in the middle of her
 forehead quite firmly. As he did so, she could see the passion on his face
 and he called out ah, ahh, aaaahhhhh.  Then he took his finger from her
 forehead. Astonished, she asked him if he'd like to do it again. Looking at
 his curled up forefinger, he replied, "Yes, but I'll have to wait a little
 while."

------------------------------

Date:    Sat, 14 Mar 1998 08:34:41 -0600
From:    Joe Hickman <comedy@FLASH.NET>
Subject: Oprah and Texas <Texans>

Things Oprah Winfrey did in Amarillo, Texas, that she'd never done before:

- Attended a mock trial conducted by the ACLU-- the American Cow Liberties
  Union.
- Had a panel of West Texas honkytonk waitresses demonstrate how easy
  it is to conceal a handgun in your hair.
- Prepared an investigative report on the dangers of Mad Possum Disease.
- Invited experts in to discuss proper ways to paper-train your prairie dog.
- Tried to milk a cow on a roller coaster.
- Invited local medical researchers to debate the clinical effectiveness of
  cactus acupuncture.
- Televised a traditional West Texas marathon--which involves running 260
  yards with an armadillo strapped to each foot.
- Rented a road house and conducted a topless tumbleweed eating contest.
- Demonstrated the West Texas way to clean a shotgun--including tips on
  how to get the oil off your tongue.
- Produced an outdoor TV sex documentary entitled "Turning the Texas
  Panhandle Upside-Down in Search of A Gay Horse."
			----------------------------------

From Ha! at http://www.flash.net/~comedy

------------------------------

Date:    Sat, 14 Mar 1998 11:13:36 -0500
From:    Gwendolyn E Eckman <geckman@POLARIS.UMUC.EDU>
Subject: Basic Truths

Everyone has a photographic memory.  Some don't have film

Save the whales.  Collect the whole set.

On the other hand, you have different fingers.

Back up my hard drive?  How do I put it in reverse?

I just got lost in thought.  It was unfamiliar territory

When the chips are down, the buffalo is empty.

Seen it all, done it all, can't remember most of it.

Those who live by the sword get shot by those who don't.

I feel like I'm diagonally parked in a parallel universe.

He's not dead, he's electroencephalographically challenged.

She's always late.  Her ancestors arrived on the June Flower.

You have the right to remain silent.  Anything you say will be
misquoted, then used against you.

I wonder how much deeper would the ocean be without sponges.

Honk if you love peace and quiet.

Pardon my driving, I'm reloading.

Despite the cost of living, have you noticed how it remains so popular?

Nothing is foolproof to a sufficiently talented fool.

Atheism is a non-profit organization.

------------------------------

Date:    Sat, 14 Mar 1998 11:38:40 -0500
From:    Don Chesnel <dches@CONCENTRIC.NET>
Subject: Penguin Joke <Offensive to people who can't tolerate bad jokes>

A policeman in Southern Florida sees a guy driving a pickup truck with
28 penguins in the back. He pulls the guy over, checks his license and
registration and informs the man that these penguins should be taken to
a zoo. The man says, "No problem, officer, I can do that."

The next day, the policeman is cruising his area and spots the guy with
the pickup truck. The penguins are still in the back, but now they all
have sunglasses on. He stops the truck, walks up to the driver's side
window and says to the man, "Aren't you the guy I pulled over yesterday;
and didn't I tell you to bring these penguins to a zoo?"  The man
replies, "Yes, officer, I'm the guy you stopped yesterday and I did
bring these penguins to a zoo. Today, we're going to the beach!"

------------------------------

Date:    Sat, 14 Mar 1998 13:28:36 -0600
From:    "Grant C. Anderson" <robschool@NWU.EDU>
Subject: ABC's of Breakups Pt. 1 <Adult themes, Language>

ABC's of Ex-Boyfriends

A is for Asshole, which is what attracted you to him in some odd,
mystifying, "I know he'll change for me" kind of way. He didn't.

B is for Beavis & Butthead. It's what you lost his attention to
every night. That and Singled Out. He said he really liked to see
people together and as happy as the two of you were. You knew it was
just Jenny McCarthy's Boobies.

C is for Cunt. His mother, in other words.

D is for Dildo, something that always performed on command and never
came before you. Besides, since you've Ditched him, you and your
toys have gotten to know each other pretty well, on a first name
basis, as a matter of fact. Dan the Dildo.

D is also for Dick, something that you were not getting but pretty
sure someone else was so you resorted to Dan.

E is for Elephant. They never forget. Maybe next time you'll go out
with an Elephant.

F is for Faking it, which you had to do on several occasions.
Remember when you were a sophomore in high school and you were dating
the college guy that really knew how to make you scream? Wonder if
you can track him down via the Internet?

G is for Gut, which he developed after drinking so much beer.

H is for Hell. Obviously it was Heaven to be with him, you wouldn't
have left. Although Hell would insinuate that he could get you Hot,
which he rarely attempted after three months of being together.

I is for Indigo Girls. His actions caused you to resort to listening
to music...a lot of music. You chose the Indigo Girls and now you
are a lesbian.

J is for Juicy Fruit gum, which is what your relationship was like.
So wonderful in the beginning, fresh and new....he was so sweet. Then
after a short while he turned into a small grey lump with absolutely
no flavor.

K is for Kelly. The girl that was supposed to be an Irish GUY that
he was hanging out with at the bar after work. This was not the case
when you found two pairs of Victoria's Secret thong - back lace
panties with "Kelly's" name in one and "Shelly's" in the other.
Assume they were twin brothers, right?

L is for Lust. You Lust for Antonio Banderas and then go visit your
buddy Dan.

M stands for Murder One. You could get a double life sentence for
this - he really isn't worth it.

M also stands for Marriage. The Mention of Marriage may have been
what made him run like hell. Men, when found in their natural
habitat, are afraid of the committment beast.

N stands for Nice guys get None. Guess what? After this asshole,
Nice guys get Nothing but Nookie.

O is for Over it. This made you throw him out, general disgust. It
could have been the belching, the laziness, or the farting noises in
the armpits, but the nose-picking in bed was a little too much.

P is for Pissed off. All of your girlfriends are pissed off at him,
just because girls like to stick together.

Q is for Quickly. Kelly and Shelly must have run quickly away when
they heard your car pull up in the driveway and he mentioned that
you did carry a gun.

R is for Right. Women are always Right.

R is also for Rules. Men break them. So should we.

S is for Sex. Remember that?

T is for Tongue. If he's smart, he won't try to slip anything in your
mouth at this point if he intends on keeping it.

U is for Underwear. Not only did he forget Kelly and Shelly's, but he
would leave his skidmarked ones in the bathroom all the time.

V is for Venezuela. That's where you shipped Kelly in Shelly. In five
neatly compacted parcels.

W is for Whine. He did an awful lot of that for Sex when he came home
at three in the morning reeking of alcohol and "lost" his key. (You
later found it at Kelly and Shelly's house)

X is for Xavier Roberts. You know, the multi-millionaire that got rich
by creating Cabbage Patch dolls? Maybe you should track him down.
Money makes PMS (putting up with Men's shit) a lot easier.

Y is for Yak's breath, which seemed like a much better option than the
stench that would come from his mouth in the morning.

Z is for Zoro.  What the hell?  Tonto can join in on the fun if he
wants.

ABC's of ex-girlfriends tomorrow...

------------------------------

Date:    Sat, 14 Mar 1998 14:54:08 -0500
From:    Terry Galan <galante@MCMAIL.CIS.MCMASTER.CA>
Subject: Marketing Strategies!!!!!

 Here's an example of how Marketing strategies and advertising slogans
 can easily go astray:
			================================

 1.  Coors put its slogan, "Turn it loose," into Spanish, where it was
     read as "Suffer from diarrhea".
 2.  Scandinavian vacuum manufacturer Electrolux used the following in an
     American campaign: Nothing sucks like an Electrolux.
 3.  Clairol introduced the "Mist Stick", a curling iron, into German only
     to find out that "mist" is slang for manure. Not too many people had
     use for the "manure stick".
 4.  When Gerber started selling baby food in Africa, they used the same
     packaging as in the US, with the beautiful Caucasian baby on the
     label. Later they learned that in Africa, companies routinely put
     pictures on the label of what's inside, since most people can't read.
 5.  Colgate introduced a toothpaste in France called Cue, the name of a
     notorious porno magazine (it's also a nasty word in french).
 6.  An American T-shirt maker in Miami printed shirts for the Spanish
     market which promoted the Pope's visit. Instead of "I saw the Pope"
     (el  Papa), the shirts read "I saw the potato" (la papa).
 7.  Pepsi's "Come alive with the Pepsi Generation" translated into "Pepsi
     brings your ancestors back from the grave", in Chinese.
 8.  Frank Perdue's chicken slogan, "it takes a strong man to make a
     tender chicken" was translated into Spanish as "it takes an aroused
     man to make a chicken affectionate".
 9.  The Coca-Cola name in China was first read as "Ke-kou-ke-la", meaning
     "Bite the wax tadpole" or "female horse stuffed with wax", depending
     on the dialect. Coke then researched 40,000 characters to find a
     phonetic equivalent "ko-kou-ko-le", translating into "happiness in
     the mouth".
 10. When Parker Pen marketed a ball-point pen in Mexico, its ads were
     supposed to have read, "it won't leak in your pocket and embarrass
     you". Instead, the company thought that the word  "embarazar" (to
     impregnate) meant to embarrass, so the ad read: "It won't leak in
     your pocket and make you pregnant".

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End of HUMOR Digest - 14 Mar 1998 to 15 Mar 1998
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