HUMOR Digest - 13 Mar 1998 to 14 Mar 1998
There are 13 messages totalling 724 lines in this issue.

Topics of the day:

  1. Working Girls <adult humor>
  2. Puns for The Ides of March
  3. Top5 - 3/12/98 - Lesser Known Executive Privileges (fwd)
  4. What those job ads really mean??!!
  5. Lawyer vs. Accountant
  6. The Perfect day (Adult)
  7. HUMOR: amusing typo <not off.>
  8. Child of the '80's  PART I
  9. funny names <obscene, homonegative>
 10. THE IRISH FARM (Pun)
 11. HUMOR Digest - 12 Mar 1998 to 13 Mar 1998
 12. In The News - Humorous News Quips
 13. Funny Names

----------------------------------------------------------------------

Date:    Fri, 13 Mar 1998 03:06:42 -0500
From:    Jim Moore Jr <jimjr@QIS.NET>
Subject: Working Girls <adult humor>

*   The lil' blonde was being interviewed for a rather high
  level executive position in the ad agency.  Finally, the
  interviewer concluded with, "I like your style Miss Lawson,
  I think you'll do fine.  All we ask is that you put out."
    "Errr, Sir." she said, somewhat taken aback, "Are you
  referring to work or sex ?"
    "Lil' Lady," he replied, "around here... if you don't do
  one, you'd better damn sight be willing to do the other."
                                - - - - -

*   Two Yuppettes, both up-and-comers at the modeling agency,
  were lunching and the one was complaining about her latest
  boyfriend.  "Why... can you just imagine ?" she said. "Last
  night he actually asked me to do it doggie style."
    "I see.  How tacky !" said her friend. "And did you put
  your paw down ?"
                                - - - - -

*   A secretary, out with appendicitis, was being visited by
  a co-worker in the hospital.  "How are things at the Office
  going, Claudia ?" she asked.
    "Well, they're all sharing your work.  Jody is making the
  coffee, Louise is reading all your magazines, and Sharon is
  making it with the Boss."
                                - - - - -

*   A new employee at the stock brokerage saw a knock-out chick
  slink past.  "Whew !" he said.  "Exactly what does she do."
    "Not very much." replied his mentor. "She's one of our
  gilt-edged negotiable blondes."
                                - - - - -

*   "All the guys I know are married." complained the young New
  York ballet dancer to her understudy.  "Or else they're going
  out with another guy."


www.qis.net/~jimjr  ("QIS.NET")
www.geocities.com/BourbonStreet/6293

------------------------------

Date:    Fri, 13 Mar 1998 00:15:22 -0800
From:    Stan Kegel <kegel@FEA.NET>
Subject: Puns for The Ides of March

After Stalin died, he was succeeded by Beria. Shortly after his
appointment as leader of the Soviet Union, Beria was assaassinated. The
assassinator shouted as he shot the Premier, .... "I came to seize Beria,
not to praise him."

'Twas the fourteenth of March and Brutus and the boys were discussing
their planned political statement for the following day. Cassius the
Anorexic wanted to use Greek fire, which had been recently re-invented.
Brutus, however, favored the traditional Roman short-sword as the weapon
of choice. He stood and addressed his co-conspirators, "Friends, Romans
and Countrymen, Lend me your ears. I come to parry Caesar, not to braise
him!"

Two parents were discussing the relative merits of play-ground equipment
at Larch Park, so called because it contained a preponderance of Larch
trees. Said one, "Everything seems to be pretty safe to play on, except
for those rusty old slides." Remarked the second, "Yes, .... you must
beware the slides of Larch!"

During the time of Cleopatra, giving flowers to women as a token of
affection had not become customary, yet. Instead, men used to make gifts
of food to the objects of their love and desire. This was, on the whole,
much more sensible. One particularly poor laborer was amazed one day to
find a berry that was more round, more colorful, and in every way more
perfect than any berry he had ever seen. He plucked it, and took it home
to his wife. The wife was so amazed at the perfection of this berry that
she chose not to eat it, and instead took it around and showed it to her
friends. Word spread, and soon people were coming from all over the land
to see this magnificent fruit. The poor laborer and his wife soon became
rather wealthy by charging people admission to view the berry. Such was
its beauty that lines formed outside of the laborer's house day and
night with people waiting to pay for the privilege of viewing an example
of nature's perfection. It was not very long before word of this reached
the Queen, herself. Being a jealous woman, she did not consider it
proper that she, the Queen, should be deprived of this perfect berry,
and she sent a squadron of soldiers to retrieve it and bring it to her.
It was very late at night when the soldiers arrived at the laborer's
house. They pounded on the door. "Go away, we're closed for the day",
shouted the laborer from his bed. "We have come for the berry", the
centurion called back. "Come back tomorrow, there's no more viewing of
the berry tonight", shouted the laborer, beginning to lose his patience.
"You don't understand", called the centurion... "We come to seize your
berry, not to praise it.

Once there was this cattle rancher who, after three years, finally found
a buyer for his oldest bull Ceasar. This new owner happened to be the
rancher's closest neighbor, who lived on the other side of the valley
accross the river. "Men," the rancher said to his cowhands, "It's time
to say our good-byes to this bull, and take him across the river". So
the men roped Caesar, and walked him down to the river. They were about
to put him on the boat to take him across, when the rancher's youngest
nephew who helped to raise Caesar, said with a tear in his eye, "Can we
take him out for one last munch in his favorite meadow?" The other hands
said, "Sure", and led him just off the riverbank for a snack. Well, with
the day as nice as it was, all of the hands took a quick nap. Four hours
later, the rancher saw that the bull was still on his property and ran
down into the valley. He shouted and cursed at the men to wake them up.
Once everyone was standing, he said that the beast should have been
across the river long ago. .... "In fact, we've come to ferry Ceasar,
not to graze him!"

------------------------------

Date:    Fri, 13 Mar 1998 05:46:47 -0500
From:    John Vogel <jvogel@DGS.DGSYS.COM>
Subject: Top5 - 3/12/98 - Lesser Known Executive Privileges (fwd)

                         March 13, 1998

   The Top 16 Lesser Known Presidential Executive Privileges

16> Executive dibs on fries in the bottom of the bag...
    anywhere, any time, *any* bag

15> Authorized to dispatch towel-wielding Secret Service agents
    at White House pool parties to apply stinging "rat tails"

14> "You're Greek?  Hey, come on up to my place tonight and we'll
    lob a couple of missiles at Istanbul."

13> 5-Day video rentals from Justice Thomas's "personal collection"

12> Prerogative to suspend constitutional prohibition on "Cruel and
    Unusual Punishment" should he feel like appearing in public
    wearing gym shorts

11> The "President's Dozen" -- 15 doughnuts for the price of 12 at
    all DC doughnut shops

10> Platinum membership in The Players Club AND front-row seats at
    any Wrestlemania event

 9> In case of pants-too-tight emergencies, there's Gertie, the
    little-used corset-cincher left over from the McKinley
    administration

 8> When competing on Jeopardy, not required to answer in the
    form of a question

 7> Goodbye, Extra Value Meal -- hello, Super-sized Extra Value
    Meal with Apple Pie and Milkshake!

 6> Somebody piss you off?  Make their yard a national park
    and it'll be wall-to-wall Winnebagos.

 5> Can order lawn mowed by upside-down Marine Corps helicopter

 4> One GET OUT OF LAWSUIT FREE card per term

 3> Allowed to bring bucket of fried chicken to opera performances
    at Lincoln Center

 2> Commander-in-Chief status + surplus Partiot missiles
    = 1 bitchin' 4th of July!

	and the Number 1 Lesser Known Presidential Executive Privilege...

 1> Unlimited Murphy's Oil to maintain Vice President's natural
    wood-grain luster


[ This list copyright 1998 by Chris White and Ziff Davis, Inc. ]
[ The Top Five List   top5@walrus.com   http://www.topfive.com ]
[      To forward or repost, please include this section.      ]

------------------------------

Date:    Fri, 13 Mar 1998 08:07:11 -0500
From:    Terry Galan <galante@MCMAIL.CIS.MCMASTER.CA>
Subject: What those job ads really mean??!!

 Here's what HR really means, at times: CLARIFICATION OF CORPORATE LINGO

 "COMPETITIVE SALARY:"  We remain competitive by paying less than our
 competitors.

 "JOIN OUR FAST-PACED COMPANY:"  We have no time to train you.

 "CASUAL WORK ATMOSPHERE:"  We don't pay enough to expect that you'll
 dress up; well, a couple of the real daring guys wear earrings.

 "MUST BE DEADLINE ORIENTED:"  You'll be six months behind schedule on
 your first day.

 "SOME OVERTIME REQUIRED:"  Some time each night and some time each
 weekend.

 "DUTIES WILL VARY:"  Anyone in the office can boss you around.

 "MUST HAVE AN EYE FOR DETAIL:"  We have no quality control.

 "CAREER-MINDED:"  Female Applicants must be childless (and remain
 that way).

 "APPLY IN PERSON:"  If you're old, fat or ugly you'll be told the
 position has been filled.

 "NO PHONE CALLS PLEASE:"  We've filled the job; our call for resumes
 is just a legal formality.

 "SEEKING CANDIDATES WITH A WIDE VARIETY OF EXPERIENCE:"  You'll need it
 to replace three people who just left.

 "PROBLEM-SOLVING SKILLS A MUST:"  You're walking into a company in
 perpetual chaos.

 "REQUIRES TEAM LEADERSHIP SKILLS:"  You'll have the responsibilities
 of a manager, without the pay or respect.

 "GOOD COMMUNICATION SKILLS:"  Management communicates, you listen,
 figure out what they want and do it.

------------------------------

Date:    Fri, 13 Mar 1998 09:29:01 EST
From:    SueS7 <SueS7@AOL.COM>
Subject: Lawyer vs. Accountant

What is the difference between a lawyer and an accountant?

The accountant knows he is boring.

------------------------------

Date:    Fri, 13 Mar 1998 11:01:00 EST
From:    Jon Bisbey <jonb@NORTEL.CA>
Subject: The Perfect day (Adult)

New variation of an oldie...

The Perfect Day According to HER
--------------------------------

8:45 AM - Wake up to hugs and kisses

9:00 AM - 5 lbs lighter on the scale

9:30 AM - Light Breakfast

11:00 AM - Sunbathe

12:30 PM - Lunch with best friend at outdoor cafe

1:45 PM - Shopping

2:30 PM - Run into boyfriend's/husband's ex - notice she's gained 30lbs

3:00 PM - Facial, massage, nap

7:30 PM - Candlelight dinner for two and dancing

10:00 PM - Make love

11:30 PM - Pillow talk in his big strong arms

1:30 AM - Sleep


The Perfect Day According to HIM
--------------------------------

6:45 AM - Alarm

7:00 - 7:30 AM - Shower and massage

7:30 - 7:45 AM - Blowjob

7:45 - 8:15 AM - Massive dump while reading USA Today sports section

8:15 AM - Limo arrives, Stoli Bloody Marys

8:30 AM - Butler Aviation, O'Hare Field, Lear Jet to Augusta, Georgia

9:30 AM - Front nine holes, Augusta National Golf Club

11:30 AM -12:30 PM - Lunch - 2 dozen oysters, 3 Heinekens

12:30 -12:45 PM - Blowjob

12:45 - 2:30 PM - Back nine holes, Augusta National Golf Club

2:30 PM - Limo to Augusta Airport, Bombay Sapphire Martini

3:30 - 6:15 PM - Nassau, Bahamas. Afternoon fishing with all female crew
(topless). Catch 1249 lb. Blue Marlin. Grilled tuna and steamed lobster
appetizers, six Heinekens, nap

6:15 - 6:30 PM - Blowjob

6:30 PM - Lear Jet return flight, total body massage in transit

7:30 PM - Shit, shower, shave

8:00 - 9:00 PM - Watch CNN Live coverage of Bill Clinton's resignation.
Hillary and Al Gore are indicted in the same scandal (which involves
graphic pictures and large farm animals).

9:00 - 10:30 PM - Dinner at Ritz Carlton, Oysters Casino, 20 oz. Filet
Mignons (rare), Gorgonzola salad, Fettucini Alfredo, Chateau Lafite
Rothschild 1963 (magnum), Creme Brulet, Louis XIV Cognac, Cohiba Lancero

10:30 - 11:30 PM - Sex with 3 women - 1 each blonde, brunette and redhead.

11:30 - 12:00 Midnight - Whirlpool, steam and message

12 Midnight - Women quietly get dressed, hail cab and leave. Sleep.

------------------------------

Date:    Fri, 13 Mar 1998 11:44:10 -0500
From:    "Lara B. Little" <llittle@NEWMAIL.UNCC.EDU>
Subject: HUMOR: amusing typo <not off.>

The following line is from the minutes of a recent meeting:

"The newly hired administration people will be meeting with various
departments on campus to get aquatinted."

Bet those new hires had no idea what they were getting into! :)

Lara B. Little
Ref Collection Maintenance Guru/Afternoon Circ Desk Fixture
Atkins Library, UNCC

------------------------------

Date:    Fri, 13 Mar 1998 12:34:03 -0700
From:    Scotty <colliers@STUDENT.SUU.EDU>
Subject: Child of the '80's  PART I

YOU KNOW YOU'RE A CHILD OF THE '80s WHEN:

 1. You've ever relaxed by putting on your legwarmers and dancing to the
    "Footloose" soundtrack.
 2. You're still bitter that Wham! broke up.
 3. Punky Brewster was your hero.
 4. You had an Atari and got past level 6 on Frogger.
 5. The first thing you learned to play on a keyboard was A-Ha's "Take On
    Me".
 6. Motorcycle cops still make you think of  "Ponch".
 7. You wanted to be Molly Ringwald when you grew up.
 8. You remember Sesame Street before Elmo .
 9. You owned black patent leather shoes and fingerless gloves.
10. You and you friends could all quote the "dentist," "chocolate cake,"
    and "toilet bowl" monologues from Bill Cosby Live.
11. You remember when Cats was considered a new and innovative piece of
    theatre.
12. You danced on the ceiling and wore your sunglasses at night.
13. Every time you see a fountain you want to dance around it and yell
    "Fame!"
14. You ever wore acid washed, pin striped or "pegged" jeans or owned a
    pair of parachute pants.
15. You owned T-shirts that said "Miami Mice" or "Pac Man Fever".
16. You know it's not "comma, comma, comma" it's "karma, karma, karma".
17. You remember when MTV announced which hours they'd be showing
    Michael Jackson's "Thriller" video.
18. You can do the Safety Dance.
19. You ever had a tail or spiked hair.
20. You get depressed thinking about Anthony Michael Hall's career.
21. You remember when John Mellencamp was John Cougar Mellencamp and
    before that John Cougar.
22. You consider Jo vs. Blair the major philosophical conflict of the
    20th century.
23. You ever wanted a duck phone and little train to ride around your
    house in.
24. You wanted to be a Solid Gold Dancer.
25. Your favorite game was Hungry Hungry Hippos.
26. You liked Tom Hanks better when he was a crossdresser.
27. Ducky Dale and Lloyd Dobbler are still the men of your dreams.
28. You still have "Do They Know it's Christmas" by Band-Aid on 45.
29. You ever wore frosted blue eyeshadow and feathered bangs.
30. You had a collection of soft plastic bracelets.
31. You hanker for a hunk of cheese.
32. There was a time when everthing in your wardrobe was pastel or
    flourescent.
33. You've ever walked like an Egyptian.
34. You can name every voice in "We are the World".
35. The Goonies are good enough for you.
36. In your fifth grade class picture, you're wearing an Izod shirt with
    the collar "up".
37. You know, by heart, the words to any "Weird" Al Yandovic song.
38. You've taken the "Pepsi challenge".
39. Sometimes you just want to shout, shout, let it all out.
40. You've ever been gagged with a spoon.
41. The first time you ever kissed someone at a dance came during "Crazy
    for you" by Madonna.
42. You can feel St. Elmo's fire burnin' in you.
43. This rings a bell  "Battlestar Gallactica" --"biddy, biddy, biddy....".
44. A predominant color in your childhood photos is "plaid".
45. You remember when music that was labeled "alternative" really was.
46. You sat down and memorized the entire lyric sheet to "It's the End
    of the World as We Know It".
47. While in middle school you and all you friends discussed elaborate
    plans to get together again at the end of the century and play "1999"
    by Prince over and over again.
48. Schoolhouse Rock played a HUGE part in how you actually learned the
    English language.
49. You've ever dressed to emulate Madonna, Prince, Cyndi Lauper, Boy
    George, or anyone in Duran Duran.
50. You ever had a pet rock or collected trolls.


http://members.tripod.com/scollier

------------------------------

Date:    Fri, 13 Mar 1998 19:29:24 EST
From:    "Karl L. Wuensch" <PSWUENSC@ECUVM.CIS.ECU.EDU>
Subject: funny names <obscene, homonegative>

 Names that correlate amusingly with their occupation or field of study

     Linwood OUTLAW -- Grifton, NC, Police Chief (Daily Reflector)
				---------
     DININNY, D. H. (Ohio U.).  A psychoacoustic study of difference limens
for white noise stimuli.  Diss. abstr. intn, 1970 3(3-B) 1584.
				---------
     Packer and PUSEY -- Authors of article on reproductive behavior in lions
(Animal Behavior, vol 31).
				---------
     Baker, ROBIN.  (1984).  Bird navigation: the solution of a mystery?
Meier.  ISBN 0-8418-0846-6.
				---------
     Dr. Robert L. CAPPS, dentist (ad in Daily Reflector)
				---------
     David CHEATEM, Sales Representative, Scott, Foresman, and Company
				---------
     Virginia SATIR, conducted workshop on "Practical Application of Intimate
Relationship Skills."  (ad in APA Monitor).
				---------
     JOHNSON, O. W.  Chapter on "Urinary Organs" in A. S. King & J. McLelland,
"Form and function in birds," 1980, ISBN 0-12-407501-0.
				---------
     P. E. LAKE.  Chapter on "Male Genital Organs" in the second volume of
the "Form and function in birds" set.
				---------
     Linda WEINER & Billie Wright DZEICH -- Women cited in article on sexual
harassment on campus (article appeared in ECU student newspaper, just below a
picture with the caption "Pee Dee Gets Down"
				---------
     Book titled "HYMAN's comparative vertebrate anatomy."
				---------
     Harry FAGGART -- Defense attorney for a reverend accused of touching an
undercover vice officer's genitals:  (East Carolinian, 10. Sept. 87).
				---------
     Kurt BUSSE -- studied how the posterior of female baboons swells and
turns bright colors when they go into heat.  In colloquial German the vulgar
word for vagina is "Buesi" (literally, a little cat), which sounds quite
similar to "Busse."  I must confess that when I told him this years ago his
face turned the same color as the posterior of the baboons he studied.
				---------
     EBERHART (my spelling may be off a bit, sounded like "ever hard") --
had an article in American Scientist about the evolution of penises as
"internal courtship devices."
				---------
Dear TIPsters [From: MGRIFFITHS <M.Griffiths@plymouth.ac.uk>]

There was actually a paper published in 1975 by Casler called "Put the
blame on name". Some of his examples were :

- Zipper (researching into contraception)
- Cockburn (researching into infectious diseases)
- Mumpower (researching into parental pressure on school performance)
- Albino (researching into rats)
- Fish (researching......fish!)
		=========================================
                            Other Funny Names

     TITNET, "the electronic mail organ of The International Tit Society"
(TITS), discussed in the ABSnet Email Newsletter, Oct. 26, 1993.
				---------
     Millicent FICKEN edits the TITS hardcopy newsletter.  "Ficken" is a
vulgar German word for "copulate."
				---------
     PEEDIN, JOHN -- My daughter Lotus showed me this name.
				---------
     ANEMA, JOHN -- In the Greenville phone book
				---------
     Karl WUENSCH ("Wuensch" being German for "wish" or "desire") --  Doesn't
seem to provide any amusement regarding my research, but has caused my spouse
some grief back home (she is Swiss-German), where the men have been known to
tease by asking, " And just what do you desire, Mrs. Desire?"
				---------
     HARDER, P., and C. KOCK (1976). The theory of presupposition
         failure. Copenhagen: Akademisk Forlag.
	----------------------------------------------
     
Here at ECU userids are generally a two letter prefix (indicating the
user's department) followed by e's last name, often truncated.  Sometimes
these come out funny also.  Here are some actual userids here:  ASSTRICK,
ARSExaue, GRAYCOCK, MUTAIT, POBLACKS, UGLEE.  Please excuse any reference
to caudal structures.

------------------------------

Date:    Fri, 13 Mar 1998 17:55:34 -0800
From:    Stan Kegel <kegel@FEA.NET>
Subject: THE IRISH FARM (Pun)

Starknight looks up from his drink. "I have a confession to make; I was
once in jail in Derry. The story of how it came about, though, is
interesting... "You see, one of my relatives (a 3rd cousin twice-removed
on my mother's side of the family) was a landowner in Ireland. He had a
small dairy, some pasture lands, and about 10 acres of crops. All in
all, a nice little family business, except that he had no family, being
a confirmed bachelor. So, when he died, the farm came back to the
family. "Now, somehow this distant cousin knew of me, and decided that I
would be the perfect choice to handle the disposition of his estate.
Personally, I think he liked my name. So I travelled to Ireland, to look
at the farm and see what kind of assets Paddy had to distribute.
Arriving at Derry, I asked for Paddy O'Brien's farm, and was directed
there by a helpful milkmaid. "When I got to the farmhouse, I was greeted
by an elderly gentleman with graying red hair and merry blue eyes.
'Welcome to O'Brien Manor,' he said. 'I am Darby, the houseman.' He
proceeded to introduce me to the rest of the household and farm staff,
and showed me to the office which Paddy had built on to the back of the
house." Starknight pauses to take a refreshing drink from his rum and
Coke. "Ah, that's better... Clear those yiors from my throat. Where was
I? Oh, yes, just going into the office. Anyway, I spent the next two
days going over the financial situation, which was bleak. The dairy
equipment needed to be upgraded, the farm was deeply in debt, and the
house mortgaged to the hilt. Clearly, I was going to have to liquidate
everything in order to pay off Paddy's debts. "However, I was a bit
concerned about how the staff was going to take the news. The best way
to break it to them, I thought, would be to take them all to a pub in
Derry and tell them over a few drinks that they were going to be out of
work. So we packed them into the farm truck and headed into town. "In a
pub called The Green Bough, we all sat down and had a few pints of ale.
I really didn't want to tell them, but I knew I had to do so, and I
managed to stand up and blurt out a few words before giving each of them
their walking papers. At that, however, a constable who had been
drinking in the corner got up and approached the table. Taking out his
handcuffs, he affixed them to my wrists while pronouncing, 'Yer under
arrest, laddie - come along quietly!' "Believe me, I was much surprised
when .... the judge sentenced me to thirty days in jail for discharging
an Eire farm within city limits..."

------------------------------

Date:    Fri, 13 Mar 1998 23:33:25 EST
From:    GKat86573 <GKat86573@AOL.COM>
Subject: Re: HUMOR Digest - 12 Mar 1998 to 13 Mar 1998

	[Mis-sent post deleted for Archival Purposes]

------------------------------

Date:    Fri, 13 Mar 1998 23:53:13 -0600
From:    Ed Lambert <elambert@IX.NETCOM.COM>
Subject: In The News - Humorous News Quips

In The News - Edited excerpts from the LA Times
Includes some late night humor

WARNING - May be offensive to American politicians, interns, Kennedys,
schizophrenics, men in drag, Woody Allen, au pairs, US Postal workers.

Vernon Jordan said the president's secretary asked him to get Monica
Lewinsky a job, and that he drove her to interviews. These are either
the nicest people in the world, or someone's lying. We have interns and
we don't drive them anywhere. In fact, we send them out for coffee
during El Nino storms. (SNL)

Kenneth Starr subpoenaed Secret Service logs to count the number of
times Lewinsky visited the White House at night. They're having a hard
time coming up with an accurate number, though. Turns out her code name
was Pizza Hut.

US unemployment has fallen to a 24 year low. Nobody looses their job
anymore. You choke your boss, no problem. Kill the kid you're
babysitting, no problem. Have sex with an intern, your job approval
rating goes UP... (Leno)

The guests at Time magazine's 75th anniversary party included OJ
Simpson and Jack Kevorkian. OJ and Kevorkian sat in the back all night
and talked shop. (Letterman)

South African President Nelson Mandela says he'll step down when his
term ends in 1999. He spent 25 years in prison before holding public
office. Here in America, we do it the other way around.

The Star says JFK Jr. and wife, Carolyn, are having trouble conceiving,
possibly because of stress. To excite him, Carolyn is planning a REAL
Kennedy weekend: She's dressing up like Marilyn Monroe, taking him to
Chappaquiddick and "babysitting him".

Donald Andrews, dubbed "the lipstick bandit" for robbing Detroit banks
in drag, was sentenced to three years in prison. He was found guilty of
bank robbery, carrying a concealed weapon and wearing shoes that didn't
match his purse.

Eli Lilly is offering college scholarships to schizophrenics taking
Zyprexa. The first scholarship went to a girl majoring in anthropology,
business, engineering, music and art.

Badean Cool told "60 Minutes" last Sunday that a psychiatrist had
convinced her she had multiple personalities, includuing Satan and a
duck. That's a good combination. She could lay deviled eggs.

Have you seen the Ensure commercial where the little girl is sitting on
a bench with and old man and she says, "Grandpa, can I marry you?" At
first I thought it was advertising a TV movie about Woody Allen and
Soon-Yi. (Leno)

CBS made a TV movie called "The Last Don II". The original working
title was, The Last Don; No Really, This Time We Mean It."

"The Price Is Right" had its 5,000th show. Bill Clinton loves the show
because it's his perfect fantasy: beautiful women in bikinis opening
refrigerators. (Letterman)

A new study says half of American adults have trouble with such common
tasks as reading a newspaper, filling out a job application or
balancing a checkbook. Three fourths, however, can correctly sing the
theme to "Gilligan's Island."

Fertility experts say the price of human eggs has doubled in recent
months. In fact, the fertility clinic in my neighborhood is now open 24
hours and has a slurpee machine.

The space shuttle Atlantis is in the garage for a $70 million upgrade.
Among the improvements being made to the 13 year old craft are
installation of a new satellite based navigational system, new docking
hardware, and a CD player to replace the old 8 track.

To prepare for his presidential role in "Primary Colors", John Travolta
put on 24 pounds, and practiced cheating on his wife.

A strange thing happened to me: I went to a hockey game and a Jerry
Springer show broke out. (Leno)

A substance nick-named Special K is the new drug of choice among club
goers. Intended as a cat tranquilizer, it causes euphoria and short
term memory loss, so once it wears off you have no idea who shaved your
belly or why there's a big plastic cone around your head. (Miller)

In Florida, "vampire" cult leader Rod Ferrell was sentenced to death in
the electric chair. Electric chair? Don't these people know anything
about vampires? Where's the wooden stake? (Cutler Daily Scoop)

And finally, a new lolipop is being sold. When you put it in your
mouth, it plays a voice inside your head that only you can hear. It's
available in three flavors" Postal Worker, Unabomber and Ross Perot.

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Date:    Sat, 14 Mar 1998 01:23:07 +0000
From:    Jack Shea <jshumor@BERK.COM>
Subject: Re: Funny Names

Several years ago the bulletin put out byour local HMO announcing the
new Urologist on staff....

Dr. Stephen Stream

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End of HUMOR Digest - 13 Mar 1998 to 14 Mar 1998
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