HUMOR Digest - 12 Mar 1998 to 13 Mar 1998
There are 15 messages totalling 553 lines in this issue.

Topics of the day:

  1. Christian lines (poss. off. to Christians)
  2. Snail and Turtle
  3. Gifts
  4. Modern Banking
  5. Top5 - 3/12/98 - Cruel and Unusual Punishments (fwd)
  6. The first parent <ultra-religious types may be offended>
  7. Its A Guy Thing
  8. More dog news (off. to Clinton fans)
  9. A Boy and His Dog <animal abuse>
 10. Microsoft Quotation
 11. Humor - Things To Consider
 12. Tickle-me-Elmo
 13. potential Dilbert quotes
 14. Remebering the '80's <part 3 of 3>
 15. Quips & Quotes

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Date:    Thu, 12 Mar 1998 00:14:59 -0700
From:    Janelle Barker <jbarker@HOLLY.COLOSTATE.EDU>
Subject: Christian lines (poss. off. to Christians)

TOP SEVEN PICK-UP LINES TO USE ON CHRISTIANS

7. "I hear there's going to be a love offering tonight."

6. "Did I tell you that my great-uncle was a personal friend of Billy Graham?"

5. "I don't see it myself, but people tell me I look like Michael W. Smith."

4."You have the body of Amy Grant and the soul of Mother Teresa."
   (DO NOT get this confused!)

3. "Before tonight, I never believed in predestination..."

2. "Just looking at you makes me feel all ecumenical."

	And the number one Christian pick-up line...

1. "What do you think Paul meant when he said, 'Greet everyone with a holy
    kiss'?"


TOP SEVEN LINES CHRISTIAN WOMEN USE TO BREAK-UP

7. "I'm sorry, I've found someone more spiritual."

6. "I feel called to the ministry very soon and very far from you as soon
    as possible."

5. "I'm sorry, it could never work. I'm a sanguine and you're a phlegmatic."

4. "You know, I feel like I'm dating my brother."

3. "At least I got a lot out of our Bible studies together."

2. "I think we should just be prayer partners."

	And the number one break-up line...

1. "I think you need someone with lower standards."


*"Where does the idea come from that if what we are doing is fun, it can't
  be God's will? The God who made giraffes, has a sense of humor. Make no
  mistake about that."
                                                --Catherine Marshall

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Date:    Thu, 12 Mar 1998 02:01:17 -0600
From:    Fred <fredb@LINKUP.NET>
Subject: Snail and Turtle

A snail was run over by a turtle. The snail ended up in the hospital and his
friends came to visit him. One of them asked "What happened". He said "I
don't know, it all happened so fast".

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Date:    Thu, 12 Mar 1998 03:06:30 -0500
From:    Jim Moore Jr <jimjr@QIS.NET>
Subject: Gifts

*   Max sat at the bar totally dejected.  The bartender served
  him his second drink and said, "What's wrong pal ?"
    "I'll never understand women." Max said.  "The other night
  my wife gave me a birthday party.  She told me later as her
  gift to me, I could do with her whatever I wanted."
    "Wow !" said the bartender.  "But why so unhappy ?  That
  sounds like quite a gift to me."
    "Well..." Max went on, "I thought about it and sent her
  home to her Mother, now she won't even speak to me."
                                - - - - -

* They say you can't make a silk purse out of a sow's ear.  Well,
  maybe...  but lots of women can get a mink out of an old goat.
                                - - - - -

* For so many years, Mrs JimJr always exchanged the gifts I would
  buy for her.  For her birthday one year, I decided to just give
  her a hundred dollar bill.  Guess what ?   She exchanged it !
                                - - - - -

* My neighbor Van says he has a good system for buying gifts for
  his wife Babette.  He always buys her something she would never
  think of buying for herself.  His plan has one fatal flaw though.
  He says that eliminates damn near everything !
                                - - - - -

*   A Yuppie friend of mine bought his wife a beautiful tennis
  bracelet for Christmas.  I said, "I thought she wanted one of
  those sporty 4-Wheel drive vehicles."
    "She did." he replied.  "But where in the hell was I gonna
  find a fake Jeep ?"


www.qis.net/~jimjr  ("QIS.NET")
www.geocities.com/BourbonStreet/6293

------------------------------

Date:    Thu, 12 Mar 1998 00:17:19 -0800
From:    Stan Kegel <kegel@FEA.NET>
Subject: Modern Banking

We are all used to the convieniences of a modern bank. While there has
been money lenders throughout the ages, full service banks are a
relatively new phenomenon. Molan' Cache is usually considered the man who
developed modern banking as we know it today. He enlisted the aid of
Tomas Benes, the Count of Prague and chief financial advisor to King
Charles II. The two were able to convince the Bohemian monarch to
finance this new experiment in banking. So really, .... credit should go
to a Czech king, a count and Cache.

------------------------------

Date:    Thu, 12 Mar 1998 05:59:18 -0500
From:    John Vogel <jvogel@DGS.DGSYS.COM>
Subject: Top5 - 3/12/98 - Cruel and Unusual Punishments (fwd)

                         March 12, 1998
      The Top 16 Modern Day Cruel and Unusual Punishments

16> Two words: Reno's intern

15> Forced to go to a biker bar dressed as a mime

14> MmmBop, NnnonStop

13> The tofu burrito'n'beans self-inflicted gas chamber

12> Forced stint as court reporter for Mike Tyson vs. Don King Lawsuit

11> The DMV "Next Window, Please" Line-a-thon

10> Life Sentence of your Mother reading your mail, first

 9> Drink a sixer and some coffee, then try to make it through
    "Titanic" without a restroom break

 8> Castration by emery board

 7> Front-Row Seats at Celine Dion's "Tribute to Michael Bolton" concert

 6> The WB/UPN Torture

 5> Lethal injection of Cher's perfume

 4> The Chinese Buffet Torture

 3> You're booked as a guest on "Jerry Springer", and they give
    you the middle chair.

 2> Fran Drescher in the next cell watching The 3 Stooges

  and the Number 1 Modern Day Cruel and Unusual Punishment...

 1> Three Words: Don Knotts Tattoo


[ This list copyright 1998 by Chris White and Ziff Davis, Inc. ]
[ The Top Five List   top5@walrus.com   http://www.topfive.com ]
[      To forward or repost, please include this section.      ]

------------------------------

Date:    Thu, 12 Mar 1998 08:08:08 EST
From:    Cyn MacG <CynMacG@AOL.COM>
Subject: The first parent <ultra-religious types may be offended>

       Whenever your kids are out of control, you can take comfort from the
thought that even God's omnipotence did not extend to his kids.  After
creating heaven and earth, God created Adam and Eve.

   And the first thing God said to them was: "Don't."

       "Don't what?" Adam asked.

       "Don't eat the forbidden fruit, said God."

       "Forbidden fruit?  Really?  Where is it?" Adam and Eve asked, jumping
up and down excitedly.

       "It's over there," said God, wondering why he hadn't stopped after
making the elephants.

        A few minutes later God saw the kids having an apple break and he was
very angry.

       "Didn't I tell you not to eat that fruit?" the First Parent asked.

       "Uh huh," Adam replied.

       "Then why did you do it?" God asked exasperatedly.

       "I dunno," Adam answered.

       God's punishment was that Adam and Eve should have children of their
own.

       Thus the pattern was set and it has never changed.  But there is a
reassurance In this story.  If you have persistently and lovingly tried to
give your children wisdom and they haven't taken it, don't be so hard on
yourself.  If God had trouble handling his children, what makes you think it
should be a piece of cake for you?

------------------------------

Date:    Thu, 12 Mar 1998 08:27:15 -0500
From:    Terry Galan <galante@MCMAIL.CIS.MCMASTER.CA>
Subject: Its A Guy Thing

 In case you missed this in the newspapers a few months ago, there was a
 terrible shipwreck in which everyone died except 2 individuals. One
 average chap named "George" and supermodel Cindy Crawford. They found
 themselves stranded on a deserted island. After few weeks with no rescues
 in sight, nature began to take its course and they started to make love.
 Actually, they started to make love quite frequently as there is not a
 lot to do on a desert island - no CNN etc., its just eat fruit or make
 love. After a couple of weeks of making love, Cindy asks George with that
 famous beaming smile, "Is there anything, you know, extra special I can
 do for you George?" After reflecting for a moment George replies, "Yes
 Cindy, as a matter of fact there is. Would you mind putting on my shirt."
 Cindy, always obliging, replies "Sure". She proceeds to button up his
 shirt. "That's great" says George, "Now could you put on my pants?"
 "Okay" Cindy says, looking a little puzzled, but complying. "Right"
 George says "Now my tie and put this baseball cap on and tuck all your
 hair underneath". "If you say so." Cindy says looking even more
 bewildered. After she finishes with his requests she is standing there
 getting impatient and tapping her foot. "Well, what do you want me to do
 now?" she demands. George walks up to her and whispers in her ear, "Just
 between you and me buddy, I'm screwing Cindy Crawford."

------------------------------

Date:    Thu, 12 Mar 1998 14:21:30 -0500
From:    rlb <rlb@DORUK.COM.TR>
Subject: More dog news (off. to Clinton fans)

 "WASHINGTON (Reuters) - The White House doctor told Doris Day first:
 first dog Buddy is getting neutered. Dr. E. Connie Mariano broke the
 news to the actress, who heads an animal welfare group that urged
 President Clinton to set an example for other pet owners by having
 Buddy neutered. Mariano did not say when the operation would be performed.
 A representative of the Doris Day Animal Welfare League said the actress
 was thrilled by the news. The group promotes neutering of pets to help
 fight overpopulation and the killing of unwanted animals in shelters and
 animal pounds."

 Well now...

 * If there's anyone in the White House who needs neutering, it's
   certainly not Buddy.

 * Hillary should ask the vet if he'd do a "two-for-one" sale.
   (According to Leno, she should ask for "group rates".)

 * Bumper sticker: SAVE BUDDY'S BALLS! SPAY DORIS!

 * Saddam wants to know how much to spay Maggie Albright.

------------------------------

Date:    Thu, 12 Mar 1998 16:51:34 -0500
From:    JIM MICA OFFICE OF ADMISSION ITHACA COLLEGE <JMICA@OA.ITHACA.EDU>
Subject: A Boy and His Dog <animal abuse>

        The Economical Emergency Vehicle

  A man was walking on the sidewalk and noticed up ahead that Little
Johnny was wearing a red fire man's hat and sitting in a red wagon.
It appeared that the wagon was being pulled slowly by a large Labrador
Retriever.

  When he got closer to the lad, he noticed that Johnny had a rope tied
around the dog's testicles, which probably accounted for why the
dog was walking so gingerly.

  Smiling, he spoke to the little boy, "That's really a nice fire engine
you have there son.  But I'll bet the dog would pull you faster if you
tied that rope around his neck."

  "Yeah," Johnny replied, "but then I wouldn't have a siren."

------------------------------

Date:    Thu, 12 Mar 1998 19:08:49 -0600
From:    Les Pourciau at UMem <POURCIAU@MSUVX1.MEMPHIS.EDU>
Subject: Microsoft Quotation

Supposedly heard from a Microsoft executive:

"It's every man for himself," said the elephant
as he danced among the chickens!

------------------------------

Date:    Thu, 12 Mar 1998 19:36:51 -0600
From:    "Ken Brousseau Sr." <kenbruso@IO.COM>
Subject: Humor - Things To Consider

Forwarded to me by a freind - author unknown:

 - Does the Little Mermaid wear an algebra?
 - Do infants enjoy infancy as much as adults enjoy adultery?
 - How is it possible to have a civil war?
 - If all the world is a stage, where is the audience sitting?
 - If God dropped acid, would he see people?
 - If love is blind, why is lingerie so popular?
 - If one synchronized swimmer drowns, do the rest have to drown too?
 - If work is so terrific, how come they have to pay you to do it?
 - If you're born again, do you have two bellybuttons?
 - If you ate pasta and antipasta, would you still be hungry?
 - If you try to fail, and succeed, which have you done?
 - Is a castrated pig disgruntled?
 - Why are hemorrhoids called "hemorrhoids" instead of "asteroids"?
 - Why is it called tourist season if we can't shoot at them?
 - Why is the alphabet in that order? Is it because of that song?
 - What happens when none of your bees wax?
 - Where are we going?  And what's with this handbasket?
 - Don't sweat the petty things and don't pet the sweaty things.
 - One tequila, two tequila, three tequila, floor.
 - Atheism is a nonprophet organization.
 - The main reason Santa is so jolly is because he knows where all the
   bad girls live.
 - Could it be that all those trick-or-treaters wearing sheets aren't
 - going as ghosts but as mattresses?
 - Should crematoriums give discounts for burn victims?
 - And whose cruel idea was it for the word "Lisp" to have an "S" in it?

------------------------------

Date:    Thu, 12 Mar 1998 18:15:41 -0800
From:    Larry Saunders <lsaunder@PEPPERDINE.EDU>
Subject: Tickle-me-Elmo

A very modest lady applied for a job at the factory where they made
"Tickle me Elmo dolls."  It was Friday and almost quitting time and
hurriedly the boss told her to report for work on Monday.  He quickly
explained to her she would be stationed on the assembly line just before
the dolls were packed into boxes.

Monday they started up the line and within twenty minutes had to shut it
down because one worker couldn't keep up.  The boss went down the line
to find the roblem.  The new employee was very busy trying to do her
part but she had a bunch of dolls waiting for her.

Closer examination showed she was sewing little cloth bags containing
two walnuts in the appropriate place on the dolls.  The boss could not
control his laughter and said, "Lady, I said to give each doll
Two----Test----Tickles..... Oh never mind!!!

------------------------------

Date:    Thu, 12 Mar 1998 22:00:52 -0500
From:    Gwendolyn E Eckman <geckman@POLARIS.UMUC.EDU>
Subject: potential Dilbert quotes

A magazine ran a Dilbert quotes contest. These are actual quotes from
managers in the business world:

As of tomorrow, employees will only be able to access the building using
individual security cards.  Pictures will be taken next Wednesday and
employees will receive their cards in two weeks.  (This was the winning
quote from Charles Hurst at Sun Microsystems)

What I need is a list of specific unknown problems we will encounter.

How long is this Beta guy going to keep testing our stuff?

E-mail is not to be used to pass on information or data. It should be used
only for company business.

Turnover is good for the company, as it proves that we are doing a good
job in training people.

This project is so important, we can't let things that are more important
interfere with it.

Doing it right is no excuse for not meeting the schedule.


No one will believe you solved this problem in one day!  We've been
working on it for months.  Now, go act busy for a few weeks and I'll let
you know when it's time to tell them.

------------------------------

Date:    Wed, 11 Mar 1998 06:40:00 -0600
From:    Jennifer Walker <jkwalker@TENET.EDU>
Subject: Remebering the '80's <part 3 of 3>

 68. you got a hankerin' for a hunk of cheese
 69. everything in your wardrobe is either pastel or fluorescent
 70. your musical inspiration is Sonny Mann
 71. sometimes you just want to shout, shout, let it all out
 72. you're planning a dream vacation to Mepos
 73. you use your Speak and Spell to phone home
 74. you know the original members of Menudo
 75. sometimes out of the blue you just got to shake your love
 76. when you're stuck in traffic you tell your car to engage Turbo
     Boost and are surprised when it doesn't talk back
 77. you remember when Vanessa sang Kareoke to "Locomotion"
 78. you know that Mr. Steele functions best in an advisory capacity.
 79. people are constantly gagging you with spoons
 80. your idea of appreciating ancient cultures is "Walk Like an Egyptian"
 81. the only thing you know about the Nazis is that they threw Indy to
     the snakes
 82. you still use your hair crimper before going out on a hot date
 83. you hatch plots to break Murdock out of VA hospital
 84. you know which five people Serpentor's DNA came from
 85. you have "We Are the World" on 45
 86. you're still sending death threats to Mr. Rubik
 87. you can feel St. Elmo's fire burnin' in you
 88. you watch NYPD Blue thinking, "Well, they're no Crockett and
     Tubbs, that's for sure"

------------------------------

Date:    Thu, 12 Mar 1998 20:14:20 -0800
From:    "Keith E. Sullivan" <KSullivan@WORLDNET.ATT.NET>
Subject: Quips & Quotes

QUIPS & QUOTES

I'M being fired for LACK OF PRODUCTION?  Are you kidding?  Why, I've won
over $5,000 playing solitaire on my computer THIS WEEK ALONE!  --G. Wise
& L. Aldrich

How many roads must a man go down before he will stop and ask
directions?!!?  --Michelle Argabrite

When women are depressed they either eat or go shopping.  Men invade
another country.  --Elayne Boosler

I've been feeling really apathetic lately.  Like today -- Jimmy cracked
corn, but I don't care.  --Howie Mandell

Any girl can be glamorous.  All you have to do is stand still and look
stupid.  --Hedy Lamarr

To me, the greatest book of all time is "The Bible" because of all that
religious stuff in it!  --Jim Rosenberg

It's a wise person who knows the difference between free speech and
cheap talk.  --Doug Larson

Ever notice that PRICE and WORTH mean the same thing, but priceless and
worthless are opposites?  --Jay Trachman

A husband is a man who wishes he had as much fun when he goes on
business trips as his wife thinks he does.  --Ann Landers

A dog doesn't want much and is happy to get it.  A cat doesn't know what
it wants and wants more of it.  --Richard Hexem

Remember that as a teen-ager, you are in the last stage of your life
where you will be happy to hear the phone is for you.  --Fran Lebowitz

We act as though comforts and luxury were the chief requirements in
life, when all that we need to make us really happy is something to be
enthusiastic about.  --Charles Kingsley

I base most of my fashion taste on what doesn't itch.  --Gilda Radner

Life is not a laughing matter -- but you can imagine having to live with
laughing?  --Leonid Sukhorukov

It's paradoxical that the idea of living a long life appeals to
everyone, but the idea of getting old doesn't appeal to anyone.  --Andy
Rooney

People who think they are thinking, are merely rearranging their
prejudices.  --J Parodi, late 20th c philosopher

If men can run the world, why can't they stop wearing neckties?  How
intelligent is it to start the day by tying a little noose around your
neck?  --Linda Ellerbee


--
Keith's Mostly Clean Humor & Weird (McHaw) List

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End of HUMOR Digest - 12 Mar 1998 to 13 Mar 1998
************************************************

