HUMOR Digest - 11 Mar 1998 to 12 Mar 1998
There are 11 messages totalling 519 lines in this issue.

Topics of the day:

  1. The Gourmet Dinner
  2. Doctors
  3. Top5 - 3/11/98 - Little-Known Oscar Nominations (fwd)
  4. Who's the boss?
  5. Remembering the '80's <Part 2 of 3>
  6. Marriage Bliss <adult theme>
  7. <humor> On Aging
  8. colorful forest <mildly risque, 1 strong word>
  9. Weather Haiku (adult)
 10. How cold is it
 11. Police execute dog--Bizarre

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Date:    Wed, 11 Mar 1998 00:00:45 -0800
From:    Stan Kegel <kegel@FEA.NET>
Subject: The Gourmet Dinner

Anaheim Mighty Duck superstar, Teemu Selanne, had never had his father
see him play professional hockey. He was thrilled to have his father
visit him recently to watch him play. In honor of the occasion, his good
friend, Mikkail Shtalenkov, arranged a special banquet at the renouned
local Scandinavian restaurant, Gustav Anders, where noted chef, Anders
Strandberg, prepared a gourmet dinner of the Selanne's favorite Finnish
dishes. In addition to the entire Mighty Ducts team and staff, Disney
and Orange County dignitaries attended with the entire tab being picked
up by the Duck goalie. It was a huge success. The Orange County
Register reported the next day that it was certainly a dinner worthy of
.... the father, the son and the goalie host.

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Date:    Wed, 11 Mar 1998 03:44:57 -0500
From:    Jim Moore Jr <jimjr@QIS.NET>
Subject: Doctors

*   Just about everyone has heard the phrase Stanley supposedly
  said upon finally locating the man he had searched for through
  most of Africa: "Doctor Livingstone, I presume."
    I'll bet y'all don't know the good doctor's reply though:
  "Do you have an appointment ?"
                                - - - - -

* My Doctor finally found out what I had.
  He damn near took it all too.
                                - - - - -

* A good doctor can add years to your life.
  And that's just in his waiting room.
                                - - - - -

*   A friend of mine, Tommy, was told by his Doctor that he was
  to think of his body as a home -- to keep it nice and clean.
    Ever since then, Tommy has had a woman come in twice a week.
                                - - - - -

* I had to go see a Urologist recently, and naturally the first
  thing his secretary did was take a medical history.  The first
  question was: "Do you pay your bills on time ?"
                                - - - - -

*   A Columbia Doctor's secretary called an old farmer out my way
  and said: "Your check came back."
    The old man replied, "So did my arthritis."
                                - - - - -

*   A patient tells the Doctor, "I've been going to a faith healer,
  but wasn't getting any better."
    The Doctor smiled and said, "And what dumb advice did this phony
  give you ?"
    "He told me to come see you." replied the new patient.


www.qis.net/~jimjr  ("QIS.NET")
www.geocities.com/BourbonStreet/6293

------------------------------

Date:    Wed, 11 Mar 1998 06:04:13 -0500
From:    John Vogel <jvogel@DGS.DGSYS.COM>
Subject: Top5 - 3/11/98 - Little-Known Oscar Nominations (fwd)

                         March 11, 1998

           The Top 16 Little-Known Oscar Nominations

16> Best Imitation of Acting by a Bad Martial Artist
    -- Steven Seagal

15> Best Grip -- Monica Lewinsky

14> Breast Supporting Actress -- Demi Moore

13> Actor Slammed Most Often in a Top 5 List -- Pauly Shore

12> Largest Ego Squeezed Onto a Movie Set -- Val Kilmer

11> Best Animated Film With No Plans for a Subsequent National
    Tour With "On Ice" After Its Name -- no nominations this year

10> Best Use of Erect Nipples in a Feature Length Film to Draw
    Attention from Face -- Helen Hunt, "As Good As It Gets"

 9> Best Performance by a Baldwin or Wayans -- Alec (again)

 8> Best Performance in a Romance -- Pamela Anderson Lee;
    Best Animated Long Feature -- Tommy Lee

 7> Best Performance by a Frosty Bobbing Cadaver
    -- Colin Winthorpe, "Titanic"

 6> Best Occupation for Your Character When Playing Opposite a
    Babe -- Leonardo DiCaprio's nude sketch artist, "Titanic"

 5> Fastest to be Dumped When Boyfriend Reached Stardom
    -- Minnie Driver, by Matt Damon

 4> Most Thorough Research by an Actor Who May Someday Play
    a Cowering Pretty-Boy Cellmate -- Robert Downey, Jr.

 3> Special "American Gigolo" Award -- James Brolin

 2> Vocal Performance from a Movie Soundtrack That Most Makes
    One Envious of Those Who Drowned in the Film Because They
    Never Had to Hear This Overdramatic Crap Over and Over
    -- Celine Dion, "Titanic"

    and the Number 1 Little-Known Oscar Nomination...

 1> Fullest Monty -- Dirk Diggler, "Boogie Nights"


[ This list copyright 1998 by Chris White and Ziff Davis, Inc. ]
[ The Top Five List   top5@walrus.com   http://www.topfive.com ]
[      To forward or repost, please include this section.      ]

------------------------------

Date:    Wed, 11 Mar 1998 07:10:24 -0500
From:    Terry Galan <galante@MCMAIL.CIS.MCMASTER.CA>
Subject: Who's the boss?

 A man goes into a pet shop to buy a parrot. The shop owner points to
 three identical-looking parrots on a perch and says: "The parrot on the
 left costs $500." "Why does the parrot cost so much?" asks the customer.
 The  owner says "Well, the parrot knows how to do legal research."

 The customer then asks about the next parrot, to be told that this one
 costs $1,000 because it can do everything the other parrot can do plus it
 knows how to write a brief that will win any case.

 Naturally, the increasingly startled customer asks about the third
 parrot, to be told that it costs $4,000. Needless to say, this begs the
 question, "What can it do?" To which the owner replies, "To be honest,
 I've never seen him do a damn thing, but the other two call him Senior
 Partner."

------------------------------

Date:    Tue, 10 Mar 1998 05:27:21 -0600
From:    Jennifer Walker <jkwalker@TENET.EDU>
Subject: Remembering the '80's <Part 2 of 3>

 41. you know whose number is 867-5309
 42. you get depressed thinking about Anthony Michael Hall's career
 43. you're starting a write-in campaign to MTV to bring back Remote
     Control
 44. you drink Diet Coke because Max Headroom told you to
 45. you consider Jo vs. Blair the major philosophical conflict of the
     20th century
 46. you have a duck phone and ride around your house on a little train
 47. you want to be one of the Solid Gold Dancers
 48. you still watch things on Beta
 49. you want to change your name to Rio and dance on the sand
 50. you know that "Weird Science" was a movie before a TV show
 51. your favorite proverb is "some like it hot and some sweat when the
     heat is on"
 52. you always waited for the Sweet Pickles Bus to visit your house
 53. your favorite party game is Hungry Hungry Hippos
 54. you saw the New Kids on the Block when they were Tiffany's opening act
 55. you liked Tom Hanks better when he was a crossdresser
 56. you know which Hollywood Square Jim J Bullock was in
 57. you practice getting in and out of your car through the windows
 58. you have the tendency to turn up the collar of your polo shirts
 59. you're still wondering who really was the boss
 60. you know what the "P" in "Alex P. Keaton" stands for
 61. you keep asking your teachers if instead of the quiz you can take
     the physical challenge
 62. you organize weekend tournaments of TV tag
 63. you still drink New Coke
 64. when you watch "Terminator 2" you wonder where Vincent is
 65. you know ALF's real name
 66. you never go out for a night on the town without frosted blue eye
     shadow and feathered bangs
 67. you can name all of the Thundercats

------------------------------

Date:    Wed, 11 Mar 1998 11:32:40 -0500
From:    Lee_Bradley <lbradley@GRITS.VALDOSTA.PEACHNET.EDU>
Subject: Marriage Bliss <adult theme>

A priest and a nun were lost in a snowstorm. After a while, they came
upon a small cabin. Being exhausted, they prepared to go to sleep.
There was a stack of blankets and a sleeping bag on the floor but only
one bed.  Being a gentleman, the priest said, "Sister, you sleep on
the bed.  I'll sleep on the floor in the sleeping bag."

Just as he got zipped up in the bag and was beginning to fall asleep,
the nun said "Father, I'm cold."  He unzipped the sleeping bag, got
up,got the blanket and put it on her.

Once again, he got into the sleeping bag, zipped it up and started to
drift off to sleep when the nun once again said, "Father, I'm still
very cold."  He unzipped the bag, got up again, put another blanket on her
and got into the sleeping bag once again.

Just as his eyes closed, she said, "Father, I'm sooooo cold." This
time, he remained there and said, "Sister, I have an idea. We're out
here in the wilderness where no one will ever know what happened.
Let's pretend we're married."  The nun said, "That's fine by me."

To which the priest yelled out, "Get up and get your own damn
blanket!"

------------------------------

Date:    Wed, 11 Mar 1998 12:12:31 -0500
From:    JIM MICA OFFICE OF ADMISSION ITHACA COLLEGE <JMICA@OA.ITHACA.EDU>
Subject: <humor> On Aging

   Editor's Note:  This came to me with no header and no indication of
                   authorship.  It "sounds" like George Carlin!!!
		-----------------------------------------

  Age is a funny thing when you think about it....

   Do you realize that the only time in our lives when we like to get
old is when we're kids?  If you're less than 10 years old, you're so
excited about aging that you think in fractions.  How old are you?
      --- I'm 4 and a half ---
   You're never 36 and a half --- you're 4 and a half going on 5 !

   That's the key.  You get into your  teens, now they can't hold you
back.  You jump to the next number.  How old are you?   I'm gonna be 16.
You could be 12, but you're gonna be 16.

   And then the greatest day of your life happens..you become 21.
But you see, even the words sounds like a ceremony...
you BECOME 21... YES!!!!

   But then you turn 30... ooohhh what happened there??  Makes you
sound like bad milk.... He TURNED, we had to throw him out.  There's
no fun now.

   What's wrong??

   What changed??? You BECOME 21, you TURN 30, then you're PUSHING 40...
 stay over there, it's all slipping away........

   You BECOME 21, you TURN 30, you're PUSHING 40, you REACH 50...my
dreams are gone.....

   You BECOME 21, you TURN 30, you're PUSHING 40, you REACH 50 and
then you MAKE IT to 60... I didn't think I'd make it.

   You BECOME 21, you TURN 30, You're PUSHING 40, you REACH 50, you
MAKE IT to 60.... by then you build up so much speed ....
you HIT 70 !!!!!

   After that, it's a day by day thing.  After that you HIT Wednesday...
you get into your 80's, you HIT lunch.  You're TURNING 4:30, my
grandmother won't even buy green bananas....
"well it's an investment, you know, and maybe a bad one"

   And it doesn't end there..... Into the 90's, you start going
backwards.... I was JUST  92......

   Then a strange thing happens, if you make it over 100, you
become a little kid again....  I'm 100 and a half !!!!!

------------------------------

Date:    Wed, 11 Mar 1998 13:26:16 EST
From:    Cyn MacG <CynMacG@AOL.COM>
Subject: colorful forest <mildly risque, 1 strong word>

Once upon a time there was a little yellow toad crying in the forest.  The
Good Witch came along and asked the little yellow toad, "Why are you crying,
my friend?"  The little yellow toad said, "All my friends are green and I'm
yellow.  I want to be green like all my friends...sniff, sniff."  The Good
Witch replied, "No problem!"  And she tapped the little yellow toad with her
magic wand and the little yellow toad turned green...all except his private
parts, which remained yellow.  "Oh no!!" exclaimed the little toad, "I can't
go through life all green except for my private parts!  You have to make me
green all over!"  The Good Witch said, "Sorry, I don't do private parts.  You
will have to go see the Wizard!"  So, off the little toad went to see the
Wizard.

The Good Witch continued on into the forest where she came upon a
little brown squirrel crying very hard.  "Why are you crying, little brown
squirrel?" the Good Witch asked.  "Because," said the little brown squirrel,
"all my friends are red and I want to be red, too...sniff, sniff."  "No
problem!" said the Good Witch.  And she tapped the little brown squirrel and
turned him red...  all except his private parts, which remained brown.  "Oh,
no!!" exclaimed the little squirrel, "I can't go through life all red except
my private parts! You have to make me red all over!"  But the Good Witch said,
"Sorry, I don't do private parts.  You will have to go see the Wizard!"  But
the little squirrel started crying harder and said, "But I'm new around here!
I don't know the Wizard!
How will I find him??"  And the Good Witch said, "Oh, that's easy!  Just
follow the yellow prick toad...."

------------------------------

Date:    Wed, 11 Mar 1998 14:46:15 -0400
From:    JBR Humor <jimr@POBOXES.COM>
Subject: Weather Haiku (adult)

nation's midsection:
at least eleven inches
*my* midsection: less


Original Humor Content; Featuring the Daily Monologue of the Internet
http://www.wirecom.com/jim

------------------------------

Date:    Wed, 11 Mar 1998 15:05:50 EST
From:    DHughes250 <DHughes250@AOL.COM>
Subject: How cold is it

            An annotated thermometer

     50 - Miami residents turn on the heat

     40 - COLLEGE STUDENTS STILL WEAR SHORTS
     Californians shiver uncontrollably
     Wisconsinites go swimming

     35 - Italian cars don't start

     32 - Water freezes

     30 - You can see your breath
     You plan your vacation to Australia
     Wisconsinites put on T-shirts
     Politicians begin to worry about the homeless

     25 - Boston water freezes
     Californians weep pitiably
     Wisconsinites eat ice cream
     Canadians go swimming
     Cat insists on sleeping on your bed with you

     20 - You can hear your breath
     Politicians begin to talk about the homeless
     New York City water freezes
     Miami residents plan vacation further South

     15 - You plan a vacation in Mexico
     Cat insists on sleeping in your bed with you

     10 - Too cold to snow
     You need jumper cables to get the car going

     5 - You plan your vacation in Houston

     0 - American cars don't start
     Alaskans put on T-shirts Too cold to skate

     -5 - You can cut your breath and use it to build an igloo
     Wisconsinites' stick tongue on metal objects
     Miami residents cease to exist

     -10 - Cat insists on sleeping in your pajamas with you
     Politicians actually do something about the homeless
     Wisconsinites shovel snow off roof

     -15 - Too cold to think
     You need jumper cables to get the driver going
     Only ice chunks hit the bottom of the outhouse

     -20 - You plan a two week hot bath
     The Mighty Monongahela freezes
     Japanese cars don't start

     -25 - Californians disappear
     Wisconsinites button top button
     Canadians put on sweaters
     Your car helps you plan your trip South

     -30 - Congressional hot air freezes

     -50 - Hell freezes over
     Polar bears move south

     -65 -All major universities are still open and requiring students
     to attend class! Remember the good old elementary school Days???

------------------------------

Date:    Wed, 11 Mar 1998 15:09:43 -0500
From:    rlb <rlb@DORUK.COM.TR>
Subject: Police execute dog--Bizarre

This is from rec.pets.dogs.behavior

A news article in the little local newspaper (in Gaborone, Botswana) ran
the following story...

"Police Execute Dog (dateline...Dar Es Salaam)

A dog sentenced to death by a Tanzanian court for having an offensive name
has been executed, local newspapers reported yesterday. The dog, named
"Immigration" by its owner John Kachela, was sentenced to hang by a judge
in Rukwas Province last week because its name was deemed insulting. It was
executed on Friday after an appeal was rejected. Prosecutors told the court
in Sumbawanga, western Tanzania, that Kachela had mischievously given the
dog the name of a highly respected and law-abiding government department
and compounded the crime by going to the department daily and boasting of
its name. The magistrate found Kachela guilty of scandalising the
Department of Immigration in naming his pet. He was given a suspended
six-month jail term."

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End of HUMOR Digest - 11 Mar 1998 to 12 Mar 1998
************************************************

