HUMOR Digest - 10 Mar 1998 to 11 Mar 1998
There are 10 messages totalling 532 lines in this issue.

Topics of the day:

  1. Two Unlikely Marriages
  2. Fathers
  3. Remembering the '80's <Part 1 of 2>
  4. Work/Prison
  5. Rejected Hallmark Cards:Adult
  6. Four Strangers (clean)
  7. Top5 - 3/10/98 - Tips for Jodie Foste
  8. Airline Humor (not off)
  9. Humor - Funny Names
 10. Commercial Software Development Terminology

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Date:    Mon, 9 Mar 1998 23:30:17 -0800
From:    Stan Kegel <kegel@FEA.NET>
Subject: Two Unlikely Marriages

It was widely rumored that at one time prior to his appointment as juror
in the O. J. Simpson case, Judge Lance Ito was married to Liv Ullman,
but they divorced because of serious incompatabilities.. He has
subsequently remarried. She is unmarried, but her current heartthrob is
Jerry Mathers. If they do marry, she will probably be known as ....
Liv Ito Beaver.

Ivana Trump marries Orson Bean. She then divorces him to marry His
Majesty, King Oscar, then finds royalty unsuitable. She abdicates that
and moves into show business with Louis B. Mayer. She found the lime too
light and left it for her present husband, Norman Weiner, Her mail is
addressed to .... Ivana Bean Oscar Meyer Weiner.

------------------------------

Date:    Tue, 10 Mar 1998 03:11:09 -0500
From:    Jim Moore Jr <jimjr@QIS.NET>
Subject: Fathers

* I figured out why they call our language the "Mother Tongue".
  Fathers never get a chance to use much of it.
                                - - - - -

* Say what ya will about healthy eating and all, but I've always
  found it awfully difficult to explain to JimJr Jr who's 6'4"
  to my 6' in height, why junk food is bad for ya.
                                - - - - -

* One time my kids wanted to surprise me with a good breakfast
  in bed on Father's Day.  They put a cot in the kitchen.
                                - - - - -

* If you think about it, Adam had more trouble than any of the
  rest of us buying his Father a gift for Father's Day. I mean,
  what do you get somebody who's everything ?
                                - - - - -

* I started early teaching my kids the value of a dollar.  From
  then on, they demanded their allowances in gold.
                                - - - - -

* Y'all gotta watch yourselves with these on-line personal ads.
  A friend of mine answered a glowing one from some sweet young
  thang who described herself as a "ready to boil-over sexpot".
  Turned out, it was posted by his daughter.
                                - - - - -

*   Speaking of that, Mrs JimJr and I were on vacation in Ocean
  City with another couple one time.  Max and I were walking
  along the surf eyeing the girls on the beach sunbathing.  As
  we passed one stunning blonde, face down on a blanket, Max
  remarked, "Boy !  Look at the butt on that !!!"
    I said, "Max !  You old fool.  That's Amy, your daughter."
  He didn't look at another girl the rest of the weekend.


www.qis.net/~jimjr  ("QIS.NET")
www.geocities.com/BourbonStreet/6293

------------------------------

Date:    Tue, 10 Mar 1998 05:18:33 -0600
From:    Jennifer Walker <jkwalker@TENET.EDU>
Subject: Remembering the '80's <Part 1 of 2>

This was sent to me by a friend.  Source unknown.

Subject: Remembering the 80's

 1. your fondest childhood memory is when Skippy got his head stuck in
    the banister
 2. you relax by putting on your legwarmers and dancing to the
    "Footloose" soundtrack
 3. you think the Two Coreys are "totally awesome"
 4. you're still bitter that Wham! broke up
 5. Punky Brewster is your hero
 6. you type all of your term papers on a Commodore 64
 7. you still resent your parents for not installing a dumbwaiter in
    your house like Webster's
 8. the only video games you play are Frogger and Pac Man
 9. you're building your own Clockwork Smurf
10. your summer attire is Jellies and Jams
11. A-Ha's "Take on Me" is still your favorite video
12. you consider yourself truly, truly, truly outrageous, much like
    Jem and the Holograms
13. you wonder why more people don't wear high heels, Jordache jeans,
    and lacy ankle socks
14. you call all motorcycle cops "Ponch"
15. every time you go to the beach you look for Snorks
16. you're still upset Madonna and Sean broke up
17. you know who Stinky Sullivan is
18. you work out with "Get in Shape Girl"
19. you want to be Molly Ringwald when you grow up
20. you enjoy dancing on the ceiling and wearing your sunglasses at night
21. you know who Loverboy is
22. you think there should be a Kids Incorporated original cast reunion
23. you think of Janet Jackson as "that girl who used to date Willis"
24. you can sing the theme song to Small Wonder
25. every time you see a fountain you want to dance around it and yell
    "Fame !"
26. you still have a shoe box full of Garbage Pail Kid cards
27. you write your congressman asking him to introduce a bill to make
    "Born in the USA" the national anthem
28. you still use your Snoopy Sno-Cone machine
29. you know it's not "comma, comma, comma" it's karma
30. you stay up nights wondering what Bastian's mother's name was in
    "The Neverending Story"
31. you have nightmares about the Peculiar Purple Pieman of Porcupine Peak
32. you still practice your Care Bear Stare
33. you know that girls just wanna have fuh-un
34. you can name all The Wuzzles
35. you harbor a secret dream of being slimed by Alistair
36. you can do the Safety Dance
37. in your spare time you are writing "The Breakfast Club 2"
38. you like to "connect the dots, la la la la!"
39. someone mentions Jennifer Beals and you don't say "Who?"
40. your prized possession is a collection of "Return of the Jedi"
    Shrinky Dinks

------------------------------

Date:    Tue, 10 Mar 1998 07:05:07 -0500
From:    Terry Galan <galante@MCMAIL.CIS.MCMASTER.CA>
Subject: Work/Prison

 IN PRISON...you spend the majority of your time in an 8x10 cell.
 AT WORK...you spend most of your time in a 6x8 cubicle.

 IN PRISON...you get three meals a day.
 AT WORK...you only get a break for one meal and you have to pay for it.

 IN PRISON...you get time off for good behavior.
 AT WORK...you get rewarded for good behaviour with more work.

 IN PRISON...a guard locks and unlocks all the doors for you.
 AT WORK...you must carry around a security card and unlock and open all
           the doors yourself.

 IN PRISON...you can watch TV and play games.
 AT WORK...you get fired for watching TV and playing games.

 IN PRISON...you get your own toilet.
 AT WORK...you have to share.

 IN PRISON...they allow your family and friends to visit.
 AT WORK...you cannot even speak to your family and friends.

 IN PRISON...all expenses are paid by taxpayers with no work required.
 AT WORK...you get to pay all the expenses to go to work and then they
           deduct taxes from your salary to pay for prisoners.

 IN PRISON...you spend most of your life looking through bars from the
             inside wanting to get out.
 AT WORK...you spend most of your time wanting to get out and go inside
           bars.

 IN PRISON...there are wardens who are often sadistic.
 AT WORK...they are called managers.

------------------------------

Date:    Tue, 10 Mar 1998 09:14:29 EST
From:    JD STONE <jstone@EMH1.LEAD.ARMY.MIL>
Subject: Rejected Hallmark Cards:Adult

Rejected Hallmark Greetings

1. So your daughter's a hooker,
and it spoiled your day...
Look at the bright side,
she's a really good lay.

2. My tire was thumping....
I thought it was flat....
when I looked at the tire....
I noticed your cat... Sorry

3. You had your bladder removed
and you're on the mends....
here's a bouquet of flowers
and a box of Depends.

4. You've announced that you're gay,
won't that be a laugh,
when they find out you're one
of the Joint Chiefs of Staff.

5. Happy Vasectomy!
Hope you feel zippy!
'Cause when I had mine
I got real snippy.

6. Heard your wife left you...
How upset you must be...
But don't fret about it ....
She moved in with me

7. Your computer is dead...
it was once so alive....
Do you regret installing
Win 95?

8. You totalled your car...
and can't remember why...
could it have been...
that case of Bud Dry?

------------------------------

Date:    Tue, 10 Mar 1998 07:50:38 -0800
From:    Larry Saunders <lsaunder@PEPPERDINE.EDU>
Subject: Four Strangers (clean)

Four strangers travelled together in the same compartment of a European
train. Two men and two women faced each other. One woman was a very
wealthy and sophisticated 70 year old who was decked out in the finest
of furs and jewelry. Next to her sat a beautiful young woman, nineteen
years old, who looked like something right off the cover of a fashion
magazine.  Across from the older lady was a very mature looking man in
his mid-forties who was a highly decorated Sergeant Major in the Marine
Corps.  And next to the Sergeant Major sat a young private fresh out of
boot camp.

As these four strangers travelled, they talked and chatted about trivial
things until they entered an unlighted tunnel, and there they sat in
complete darkness and total silence, until the sound of a distinct kiss
broke the silence; followed by the sound of a loud slap.

In the ensuing period of silence the four strangers sat quietly with
their own thoughts. The older lady was thinking, "Isn't it wonderful
that even in this permissive day and age there are still young women who
have a little self-respect and dignity?"

The young woman, shaking her head and greatly puzzled, asked herself,
"Why in the world would any man in his right mind want to kiss an old
fossil like that when I'm sitting here?"

The Sergeant Major, rubbing his sore face, was outraged that any woman
could ever think that a man in his position would try to sneak a kiss in
the dark.

And the private, grinning from ear to ear, was thinking, "What a crazy
and mixed up world this is when a private can kiss the back of his hand,
then smack a Sergeant Major in the face and get away with it!"

------------------------------

Date:    Tue, 10 Mar 1998 11:13:20 -0500
From:    John Vogel <jvogel@DGS.DGSYS.COM>
Subject: Top5 - 3/10/98 - Tips for Jodie Foste

                         March 10, 1998

          The Top 15 Motherhood Tips for Jodie Foster

15> Let Demi and Bruce's kids play with the toy guns in the
    package from Mr. Hinckley first.

14> Just one more movie and you got yourself an Oscar mobile!

13> Counting sheep to go to sleep will work only *before* the
    kid gets a look at your video library.

12> As far as actual birthing goes, we highly recommend using
    a stunt double.

11> Absolutely NO dates with Mohawk-sporting cab drivers until
    she's at least 16.

10> Your Golden Globes may require a dress shield, if you know
    what I mean.

 9> Hollywood types are phonies and kids need laughter.
    Why not settle down with a Top 5 contributor?

 8> Nicknaming the poor kid "Little Man Lactate" could result in
    him getting his butt kicked daily for the rest of his life.

 7> Rejected scripts can be used as baby wipes.

 6> Unlike "Contact", a good bedtime story should take less
    than two hours to get to its childish conclusion.

 5> Short piercing cry = "I'm hungry!"
    Long sustained wail = "Turn that crappy 'Maverick' video off!"

 4> Whatever you do, DON'T pick Edward James Olmos as the
    godfather.

 3> Not available from Gerber's: Strained fava beans & liver with
    Chianti

 2> For when baby starts asking questions: "Your father was a
    dashing Italian rogue named Envitro Fertilio."

    and the Number 1 Motherhood Tip for Jodie Foster...

 1> Need a sitter for Oscar night?  Remember:
    Joanne Woodward, yes.   Louise Woodward, no.


[ This list copyright 1998 by Chris White and Ziff Davis, Inc. ]
[ The Top Five List   top5@walrus.com   http://www.topfive.com ]
[      To forward or repost, please include this section.      ]

------------------------------

Date:    Tue, 10 Mar 1998 09:21:15 -0800
From:    Juanita Brents <Jbrents@FOUNDATION.SDSU.EDU>
Subject: Airline Humor (not off)

 Hard Landings

 Anyone who has suffered through a difficult airplane landing will
 appreciate these [supposedly] Real Stories from Flight Attendants
 apologizing for rough transport on the airlines:

    * Upon landing hard, the pilot gets on the PA system, "Sorry folks
 for the hard landing. It wasn't the pilot's fault, and it wasn't the
 plane's fault. It was the asphalt."

    * An airline pilot wrote that on this particular flight he had
 hammered his ship into the runway really hard. The airline had a
 policy which required the first officer to stand at the door while the
 passengers exited, give a smile, and a "Thanks for flying XYZ airline."

      He said that in light of his bad landing, he had a hard time
 looking the passengers in the eye, thinking that someone would have
 a smart comment. Finally everyone had gotten off except for this
 little old lady walking with a cane. She said, "Sonny, mind if I ask
 you a question?" "Why no" said the pilot, M'am, what is it?" The little
 old lady said, "Did we land or were we shot down?"

    * From a disgruntled Southwest Airlines employee: "Welcome aboard
 Southwest FlightXXX, to YYY. To operate your seatbelt, insert the
 metal tab into the buckle, and pull tight. It works just like every
 other seatbelt, and if you don't know how to operate one, you
 probably shouldn't be out in public unsupervised. In the event of a
 sudden loss of cabin pressure, oxygen masks will descend from the ceiling.
 Stop screaming, grab the mask, and pull it over your face. If you have a
 small child traveling with you, secure your mask before assisting
 with theirs. If you are traveling with two small children, decide now
 which one you love more. Weather at our destination is 50 degrees with
 some broken clouds, but they'll try to have them fixed before we
 arrive. Thank you, and remember, noboby loves you, or your money,
 more than Southwest Airlines."

    * United Airlines FA: "Ladies and Gentlemen, as you are all now
 painfully aware, our Captain has landed in Seattle. From all of us
 at United Airlines we'd like to thank you for flying with us today and
 please be very careful as you open the overhead bins as you may be
 killed by falling luggage that shifted during our so called "touchdown."

    * About 5 or 6 years ago I was on an American Airlines flight into
 Amarillo, Texas on a particularly windy and bumpy day. I could tell
 during the final that the Captain was really having to fight it,
 and after an extremely hard landing, the Flight Attendant came on the
 PA and announces, "Ladies and Gentlemen, welcome to Amarillo. Please
 remain in your seats with your seatbelt fastened while the Captain
 taxis what's left of our airplane to the gate!"

    * Another flight Attendant's comment on a less than perfect
 landing:"We ask you to please remain seated as Captain Kangaroo
 bounces us to the terminal."

------------------------------

Date:    Tue, 10 Mar 1998 13:55:54 -0600
From:    "Ken Brousseau Sr." <kenbruso@IO.COM>
Subject: Humor - Funny Names

Copied from Ann Lander's Column:

 DEAR Ann Landers: I'm a cemetery buff and spend many hours every week
trudging through the cemeteries of Los Angeles County in search of odd
names.

 During my many treks, I have run across scores of offbeat names,
including: Early Byrd, Watts D. Matter, Skinny Lasagna, Elda Berry and Anna
Lovely Day.

 With all due respect to the deceased, I smile when I run across amusing
names on grave markers and wonder if the people who had to live with those
names enjoyed them or felt cursed. It's often said that a person is never
dead till he or she is forgotten, so a lot of these folks with strange
names are destined to live forever. -- R.H. in Los Angeles

 Dear R.H.: Your letter reminded me of a well-known family in Houston whose
name was Hogg. They named their daughter Ima. This is no joke. It actually
happened. Truth is indeed stranger than fiction. And funnier, too.


Note: Ann Landers is a syndicated advice columnist.

------------------------------

Date:    Tue, 10 Mar 1998 13:49:59 -0800
From:    "Michael J. Irvin" <irvinmj@WSU.EDU>
Subject: Commercial Software Development Terminology

Down to the Wire
Nicholas Petreley
InfoWorld Magazine
March 9, 1998

The official terminology guide to commercial software development

Think you understand the stages of commercial software development? Think
again. To fully understand how the process has degenerated, er, developed
from the vendor's point of view, you need to know the official purpose for
each development stage and the measurements for readiness and success of
each stage.

Alpha

The purpose of the alpha version of a program is to garner mind share. A
program is ready to be released as an alpha when programmers can get most
modules to compile without errors. If the modules combine to create a
program that does something useful between crashes, so much the better. If
the alpha is known to have severe problems, it is accidentally leaked.
Otherwise, the program is made available to download at one's own risk.

The alpha is considered successful if it stimulates media attention and
defensive reactions from the competition. All the following problems are
acceptable at this stage: It may fail to install; it may render the system
useless; it may fail to work; or it may occasionally work but cause other
programs to cease functioning. The following problem is unacceptable: It
installs, occasionally works, but does not introduce problems for at least
one competing application.

Beta

The first beta version exists to maintain or increase mind share. It is
considered ready when all of the modules compile and link without errors
and it can be installed successfully on some systems. If significant
features are missing, nonworking menus and buttons must be added to give
the impression that these features will be in the final version (this is
optional for companies with enough clout to get the press to hype the
promised features).

A first beta is considered a satisfactory success if some of the problems
in the alpha have been solved. It is an overwhelming success if it gets
positive reviews or positive quotes from analysts. And, it is a
mind-blowing success if analysts start saying this product will render the
competition dead or irrelevant.

Further betas are necessary only if the first beta program is unsuccessful.
If there are further betas, each successive beta is considered ready when
the vendor has successfully incremented the number of the beta program
(Beta 1 to Beta 2, etc.). It is customary to allow two weeks or more to
lapse between betas to give the impression that progress has been made.

Release candidates

The purpose of a release candidate is to convince people that the product
is nearing completion. The product is considered ready to be a release
candidate when the company calls the next beta a release candidate.
Subsequent release candidates, if needed, are ready when the company
successfully increments the release candidate number. A release candidate
program is considered successful and complete when the company is
reasonably sure the worst problems will remain undiscovered for at least
two weeks after shrink-wrapped copies hit the shelves.

Feature complete

A product is feature complete when the nonworking promised features are
removed and the remaining features are documented. In reality, however,
products are never merely feature complete. They always have far more
features than are documented. For more information about undocumented
features, contact the vendor's technical support department when your
program crashes.

Shipping version

The purpose of the shipping version is to fix bugs in the prior version and
to introduce incompatibilities that will force customers to upgrade
throughout their organizations. In special cases, the product is considered
ready to ship when a later ship date would render the vendor vulnerable to
organizations such as the U.S. Department of Justice. Otherwise, a product
is considered ready to ship when one or more conditions have been met: The
company runs out of development money; the press and target customers have
begun to focus on the competition; or marketing has successfully
transferred customer focus and expectations to the next version. For a
description of the next version, see alpha.


A former consultant and programmer, Nick Petreley is editor in chief
at NC World (http://www.ncworldmag.com).

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End of HUMOR Digest - 10 Mar 1998 to 11 Mar 1998
************************************************

