HUMOR Digest - 9 Mar 1998 to 10 Mar 1998
There are 10 messages totalling 426 lines in this issue.

Topics of the day:

  1. Passover
  2. For Better or Worse <adult humor>
  3. A question of faith (may be off. to religious people)
  4. Let's Get Ready To Rumble!!!!
  5. (Fwd) Computer Glossary
  6. FW: A question of faith
  7. Fairy Tale (contemporary political humor)
  8. Humor: Desert Isle <adult>
  9. High Efficiency (Off to Waiters)
 10. accident

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Date:    Sun, 8 Mar 1998 23:18:41 -0800
From:    Stan Kegel <kegel@FEA.NET>
Subject: Passover

Passover is approaching. At the sedar table, every Jewish child will be
retold the story of Moses and the Pharoah, and how God brought boils,
locusts, hail and the other plagues onto the Egyptians. Yet in spite of
this overwealming evidence of God's intensions, Pharoah refused to let
the Jews go, until a tenth plague, the death of the first-born children
was inflicted on every Egyptian home, passing over the Jewish homes.
Only after this tragedy did the Pharoah relent and let the Jews leave
slavery and Egypt to begin their journey to the promised land.

This has been known for generations. What has not been known is why the
Phaaroah, in the face of such overwealming evidence would refuse to
release the Jews ater the first nine plagues. It took eight years of
research by Elizabeth Kubler-Ross, the renouned psychologist and nurse,
to find the definative answer. Dr. Kubler-Ross spent those years
studying the Dead Sea Scrolls before discovering the answer. And once
found, it was obvious.....The Pharoah was still in de Nile.

------------------------------

Date:    Mon, 9 Mar 1998 03:08:43 -0500
From:    Jim Moore Jr <jimjr@QIS.NET>
Subject: For Better or Worse <adult humor>

*   Trying to disguise his voice, Carl calls his ex-wife and
  asks to speak to himself.
    Jody, his former Mrs says, "Carl, look, we are not married
  anymore -- quit bothering me !"
    Next day, Carl calls again, resulting in the same sequence
  of events.
    The following day though when he called, his ex-wife said,
  "Listen Bozo.  I told you we're divorced, split, it's over --
  period !   We're divorced.  Why do you keep calling here ?"
    "Well Jody, it's just that I can't hear that often enough."
                                - - - - -

*   A man tells his drinking buddy, "Our sex life has really
  improved since the wife and I got separate beds."
    "How's that possible Frank ?" his friend asked.
    "Well, we have them in different apartments." Frank replied.
                                - - - - -

* Lately, it seems like every damn time I try to make my marriage
  more exciting, Mrs JimJr finds out right away.
                                - - - - -

* While attending classes to convert to Catholicism, the Yuppie
  couple learned they were to practice the rhythm method of birth
  control.  So they hired a three piece combo for their bedroom.
                                - - - - -

* Research has found that most husbands never forget the first
  time they met their wives.  It's not for lack of trying though.
                                - - - - -

* When people ask, Mrs JimJr tells them that she married me for
  my money.  She claims she has to give them some plausible reason.


www.qis.net/~jimjr  ("QIS.NET")
www.geocities.com/BourbonStreet/6293

------------------------------

Date:    Mon, 9 Mar 1998 13:47:08 +0200
From:    Maurizio Mariotti <mariotti@IAFRICA.COM>
Subject: A question of faith (may be off. to religious people)

JERUSALEM - In a surprise move today, Judaism filed suit against
the Catholic Church, claiming Catholicism copied the "look and feel"
of the religion. Judaism, which has held the patent on the concept of
a monotheistic religion for over 3500 years as well as the copyright
on Yahweh (tm) The Old Testament (tm) and the use of "CH" for the "H"
sound, is suing for 2000 years of back royalties. They are also asking
that the court disallow the use of the term "Judeo-Christian" from all
textbooks. The Pope was unavailable for comment, but a spokesman from
the Vatican stated the suit was unfounded as the patent on the
concepts shared by the two religions has long expired, and that the
suit violates the separation of church and state. More news as the
case develops.

------------------------------

Date:    Mon, 9 Mar 1998 07:23:26 -0500
From:    Terry Galan <galante@MCMAIL.CIS.MCMASTER.CA>
Subject: Let's Get Ready To Rumble!!!!

 After working for years, a hooker finally retired and, being afraid of
 spending the rest of her life alone, she decided to marry. She had been
 with so many perverted men over the years that she felt she needed a
 change and would only get one by marrying a virgin male near her age. She
 took out ads in newspapers around the world seeking a male virgin who was
 55 years old. She finally narrowed her choice to an Australian computer
 programmer. After a thorough background check, she was satisfied that he
 had indeed never been with a woman and they were married. On their
 wedding night, she went into the bathroom to change into her nightie.
 When she came back out, she found that her new husband had taken the bed
 and everything in the room and stacked it in one corner of the room.
 Thinking this was rather kinky, she said to her husband, "I thought you
 had never been with a woman." He replied, "That's true, but if it's
 anything like screwing a kangaroo, we're going to need all the room we
 can get!"

------------------------------

Date:    Mon, 9 Mar 1998 10:30:25 EST
From:    JD STONE <jstone@EMH1.LEAD.ARMY.MIL>
Subject: (Fwd) Computer Glossary

The Computer Expert's Glossary

ADA: Something you need to know the name of to be an Expert in
Computing. Useful in sentences like, "We had better develop an
ADA awareness."

Bug: An elusive creature living in a program that makes it
incorrect.  The activity of "debugging," or removing bugs from a
program, ends when people get tired of doing it, not when the
bugs are removed.

Cache: A very expensive part of the memory system of a computer
that no one is supposed to know is there.

Design: What you regret not doing later on.

Documentation: Instructions translated from Swedish by Japanese for
English speaking persons.

Economies of scale: The notion that bigger is better. In particular,
that if you want a certain amount of computer power, it is much
better to buy one biggie than a bunch of smallies. Accepted as an
article of faith by people who love big machines and all that
complexity.  Rejected as an article of faith by those who love
small machines and all those limitations.

Hardware: The parts of a computer system that can be kicked.

Information Center: A room staffed by professional computer people
whose job it is to tell you why you cannot have the information you
require.

Information Processing: What you call data processing when people
are so disgusted with it they won't let it be discussed in their
presence.

Machine-independent program: A program that will not run on any
machine.

Meeting: An assembly of computer experts coming together to decide
what person or department not represented in the room must solve
the problem.

Minicomputer: A computer that can be afforded on the budget of a
middle-level manager.

Office Automation: The use of computers to improve efficiency in
the office by removing anyone you would want to talk with over coffee.

On-line: The idea that a human being should always be accessible to
a computer.

Pascal: A programming language named after a man who would turn
over in his grave if he knew about it.

Performance: A statement of the speed at which a computer system
works. Or rather, might work under certain circumstances. Or was
rumored to be working over in Jersey about a month ago.

Priority: A statement of the importance of a user or program. Often
expressed as a relative priority, indicating that the user
doesn't care when the work is completed so long as he is treated
less badly than someone else.

Quality control: Assuring that the quality of a product does not
get out of hand and add to the cost of its manufacture or design.

Regression analysis: Mathematical techniques for trying to understand
why things are getting worse.

Strategy: A long-range plan whose merit cannot be evaluated until
sometime after those creating it have left the organization.

Systems programmer: A person in sandals who has been in the elevator
with the senior vice president and is ultimately responsible for a
phone call you are to receive from your boss.

i.e.  I refuse to reinstate his/her password/logon, he/she is a
menace!.......don't laugh, I've seen it happen......more than once.

------------------------------

Date:    Mon, 9 Mar 1998 12:42:06 -0500
From:    "Musat, Bob" <Bob.Musat@TRI-C.CC.OH.US>
Subject: FW: A question of faith

> From: Andy Grossman

 With regard to the lawsuit out of Jerusalem against the Vatican I
 cantcated the internationally famous law firm of Dewey, CHeatem,
 and Howe for comment.

 They seem to believe this suit is somehow related to the conflict in
 Jugoslavia. It appears that 800 years ago everyone in the region was
 Greek and Christian, and had black hair. Since then some blondes and
 brunettes have entered the picture. Worse yet, they are mostly Moslem.
 Now, the Catholics hate the Orthodox, and the Moslems hate them both.
 And everybody hates Jews, orientals, africans, and the French.

 The pope's envoy, seeing all this hatred and recrimination, has been
 seen skulking around burned and bombed out buildings in Sarejevo, and
 other cities in the region. It is thought that he is making deals with
 the various factions to unite and attack the lawsuit against the Vatican.
 Negotiations are at a very delicate stage. There appears to be some
 agreement that the lawsuit is a spurious one.

 My informant, F. U. Howe, Esq. has informed me that they still disagree
 on aspects of the suit. The result has been 100 dead Moslems, 72 dead, or
 injured, Croats, 40 Serbians who are no longer horny.

 I will keep you informed of any new developments.

------------------------------

Date:    Mon, 9 Mar 1998 13:37:49 EST
From:    Bill Edwards <EDWARDS_BILL@COLSTATE.EDU>
Subject: Fairy Tale (contemporary political humor)

Sleeping  Beauty, Tom Thumb and Don Juan were having a terrible fight.

"I am the most beautiful person in the world," proclaimed Sleeping
Beauty.

"No, you're not," answered Don Juan and Tom Thumb. I am the smallest
person in the world," shouted Tom Thumb.

"No, you're not," said Sleeping Beauty and Don Juan.

"I've had more lovers than any person in the world," announced Don Juan.

"No, you haven't" replied Tom Thumb and Sleeping Beauty.

Well, they decided that if the three were to get along, they needed a
mediator, and decided that Merlin, clearly the smartest person in the
world, would be ideal.

Merlin agreed and summoned them all to his palace,  where he
announced he would meet with them one at a time.

Sleeping Beauty went in first and not a minute later came out
beaming. "I am the most beautiful person in the world, Merlin said
so."

In went Tom Thumb and out he came as quickly as had Sleeping Beauty.
"I am the smallest person in the world.  Merlin agrees."

In goes Don Juan and in he stays, a half hour, an hour, an hour and
a half later. Finally, he emerges distraught, muttering, "Who the
hell is Bill Clinton"

------------------------------

Date:    Mon, 9 Mar 1998 17:08:03 EST
From:    "Martha E. Frantz" <Martha.E.Frantz@DARTMOUTH.EDU>
Subject: Humor: Desert Isle <adult>

A husband and wife had been stranded on a deserted island for many
years.  The morning following a bad storm, a new guy washes up
on the shore.  The new guy and the wife are VERY attracted to each
other right away, but they realize that certain protocols will have to
be observed.

The husband, oblivious to the pheremones floating around, is very glad
to see the second man there. "This is wonderful!  Now we'll be able to
have three people doing 8-hour shifts in the watchtower instead of two
people doing 12-hour shifts."

The new man is only too happy to help, and in fact volunteers to do the
first shift. He climbs up the tall tower and stands watch, scanning the ocean
horizon for any ships.  Soon the husband and wife start placing stones in a
circle in order to make a fire to cook supper.

The new man yells down: "Hey, no screwing!"  They look at each other
and yell back: "We're not screwing!"  A few minutes later, they start to
put driftwood into the stone circle.

Again the new man yells down: "Heeey, no screwing!"  Again they yell
back, "We're not screwing!"

Later they are putting palm leaves on the roof of the shack to patch
leaks.  Once again the new man yells down from high above: "Hey, I said no
screwing!!"

They yell back, "And we said we're not screwing!!"  Finally the shift
is over and the new man climbs down from the tower and the husband
starts to climb up.  By the time he gets halfway up, his wife and the
new man are already screwing their brains out.

Once at the top, the husband turns around and looks down and says to
himself: "Son-of-a-gun.  From up here it DOES look like they're screwing."

------------------------------

Date:    Mon, 9 Mar 1998 23:27:10 +0200
From:    Mohamed El-Nadi <mnadi@USA.NET>
Subject: High Efficiency (Off to Waiters)

I took some clients out to dinner last week and I noticed a spoon in the
shirt pocket of our waiter as he handed us the menus. It seemed a little
odd, but I dismissed it as a random thing until our busboy came with
water and tableware; he too, sported a spoon in his breast pocket. I
looked around the room and all the waiters, waitresses, busboys, etc.,
had spoons in their pockets.
When our waiter returned to take our orders, I just had to ask, "Why the
spoons?" "Well," he explained, "our parent company recently hired some
efficiency experts to review all our procedures and, after months of
statistical analyses, they concluded that our patrons drop spoons on the
floor 73% more often than any other utensil at a frequency of 3 spoons
per hour per workstation. By preparing all our workers for this contingency
in advance, we can cut down our trips to the kitchen and save time...nearly
1.5 extra man hours per shift."
Just as he concluded, a "cla-ching" came from the table behind him and
he quickly replaced the fallen spoon with the one from his pocket. "I'll
grab another spoon the next time I'm in the kitchen instead of making a
special trip," he proudly explained.  I was impressed and said "Thanks, I
had to ask." "No problem," he answered, and then he continued to take our
orders.

As the members of my dinner party took their turns, my eyes darted back
and forth from each person ordering and my menu. That's when, out of the
corner of my eye, I spotted a thin, black thread protruding from our
waiter's fly. Again, I dismissed it; yet I had to scan the room and,
sure enough, there were other waiters and busboys with strings hanging
out of their trousers. My curiosity overrode discretion at this point
so, before he could leave, I had to ask.

"Excuse me, but... uh... what... about that string?" "Oh, yeah," he
began in a quieter tone. "Not many people are that observant. That same
efficiency group found we could save time in the men's room, too."
"How's that?" "You see, by tying a string to the end of our, eh, SELVES,
we can pull it out at the urinals, literally hands-free, and thereby
eliminate the need to wash our hands, cutting the time spent in the rest
room by over 93%!" "Oh, that makes sense," I said, thinking through the
process. "Hey, wait a minute. If the string helps you pull it out, how
do you get it back in?" "Well," he whispered, "I don't know about the
other guys, but I use my spoon."


http://www.geocities.com/BourbonStreet/4267/

------------------------------

Date:    Mon, 9 Mar 1998 20:09:03 -0500
From:    Gwendolyn E Eckman <geckman@POLARIS.UMUC.EDU>
Subject: accident

A young couple was out carousing one evening. While driving down the
highway the guy says to the girl, "If I go 100 miles an hour, will you
take off all of your clothes?" She agrees and he begins to speed up.

When the speedometer hits 100 she starts to strip. When she gets all her
clothes off, he is so busy staring at her that he drives off the road and
flips the car over.

The girl is thrown clear without a scratch but her clothes and her
boyfriend are trapped in the car. "Go get help.", he pleads. She replies,
"I can't, I'm naked."

He points to his shoe that was thrown clear and says "Cover your crotch
with that and go get help from the gas station down the road."

She takes the shoe, covers herself between the legs, and runs to the gas
station down the road. When she arrives she is frantic and yells to the
attendant, "HELP! HELP! My boyfriend's stuck!"

The attendant looks down at the shoe covering her crotch and replies with
some astonishment, "I think he's too far in!"

------------------------------

End of HUMOR Digest - 9 Mar 1998 to 10 Mar 1998
***********************************************

